OK, maybe it was only a week, but it gave me a chance to look up one of my favorite Sir Mix-a-Lot songs "The Boss is Back". If you're upset about the lost week of Bachelorette blogging (and I got at least one text message to that effect), please contact Grant and Bryony Lasselle, as their wedding weekend left me far too exhausted to watch and blog at the same time on Memorial Day.
Now, onto the week. We've got a two on one date, or as I like to call them "a chance for two guys to talk crap about each other behind each other's backs as much as possible." Guess what? It's time to pack everyone's bags, because we're leaving Charlotte! Ol' Chris Harrison hasn't even got the words out of his mouth before the fame-hungry men breathlessly ask "where we goin?" You'd think they were sick of Charlotte or something. Good thing if they get married, they'll be living somewhere else, right? Oh wait......
Off to the Bahamas! Doug gets the first date, then explains to the guys that "he put his whole life on hold" as if the other guys hadn't. The other guys are giving him a little bit of a bad time....especially Arie. Doug has been playing the good parent the entire time, so naturally he goes into a string of profanities that would make the house guests of Jersey Shore blush. The other guys pick up on the fact that he's a bit on edge, so they do what any group of guys would do in that situation: They start busting his balls. Doug does nothing to help himself out, by trying to be serious when everyone else is having a good time. I used to try the "guys I'm being serious" tactic when I was younger, and my brother and friends turned it into a game they called "Andy Ego Day" in which they put an arbitrary point system in place based on the reaction I gave. I'm not sure what a "c'mon bro" would've scored, but Arie got quite a few of those from ol' Dougy.
On the date, Doug morphs back into "aw shucks" dad and tells Emily he became who he is today by "being a dad." He then proceeds to say that he started his own charity, which I'll admit is fairly impressive. He then borrows a line from the title of a popular documentary and says "Superman wasn't showing up." I can't decide if this is a corny way of working the fact that he watches documentaries into his conversation, or if it's just a douche move and he was trying to pass it off as his own line. Either way I wasn't impressed. Emily then says she'd like to send Doug's son a postcard. Doug gets all excited, and says "what kid wouldn't want a postcard from his dad?" You know who wouldn't like a postcard from their dad? A kid who's with their parent so there's no need to send a postcard! Also, I don't know a kid who wants a postcard from his dad and the girl he's in the Bahamas with that they've never met. Doug left that part out.
Emily tries to grill Doug on his faults at dinner, and Doug goes Captain America and says his biggest fault is that he's too good of a dad and that he didn't wash his ex-girlfriend's car enough. Emily claims that she knows that Doug isn't so happy all the time, and there has to be more to him than being "Austin's dad." I thought this was a very astute observation of Emily's, but when she asks again, Doug goes "well, what are your faults?" I'm not claiming to be a love doctor or anything, but even I know that it's a bad idea to ask a women to list the things she doesn't like about herself without offering up anything of substance about yourself.
Doug then explains that he's not going to kiss Emily because his grandpappy told him that a girl will let him know when she wants to be kissed. He then goes third person and says "Emily will let Doug know when she wants a kiss from Doug." Again, I'm no expert, but if you've got limited time with a girl, there's umpteen other guys vying for her affection, then you might as well give kissing a shot. I mean, if you want to marry this girl, you probably need to know if you have sexual chemistry, right? This is another beef of mine with this show...the guys seem to acknowledge the fact that this courtship is on an accelerated time frame, yet handle it in the wrong ways. This leads to some awkward staring at each other and the ultimate sign of a mediocre date when dinner ends with a "well, should we go?" Oof. Doug's stock tanked more than Facebook's in our house tonight.
Group date time. I always love the group dates where the girl sits off to the side while the guys compete in some asinine "challenge" to get to drink too many cocktails in Emily's presence and say a bunch of stuff they'll regret when they see it on TV once it airs. In this case, the "date" is the dudes splitting into two teams and having a boat race. Yellow team wins. The red team is crushed. Charlie is so upset at the fact that he lost a boat race that he starts crying and says he's "so embarrassed." Apparently Massive Head Wound Charlie doesn't need the cocktails to say things he'll regret.
At the cocktail party, Ryan toasts to his "trophy wife" Emily. The cocktails are flowing freely tonight, boys and girls! Arie does the smart thing and takes Emily off away from everyone else for some alone time. Then he does what Doug should've done and kisses her. Emily tells him to "be patient," which makes me think he'll be around for a while. Well, that and the fact that he's the only guy who doesn't piss me off right now.
Next up for sloppy seconds with Emily and her community blanket is Jef, who says things like "you're totally cool, and like the I just get so pumped up to be around you, because, like, you're really super fun, and gosh, you're awesome." I have no clue what Emily sees in him. Of course, Jef doesn't capitalize on this and goes for the Doug option of wrapping up a date by saying "well, should we get going?" Oof.
Next up is uber-bro Ryan, who has set a record for going from Andy's favorite, to Andy's mortal enemy in about two and a half episodes. He actually opens up his conversation by saying "there's a lot of depth to this...to me." Yeesh. Emily then gets in her required "Extreme Southern Accent Rant" and Ryan, who, exudes confidence 24/7, then gets all shaky and basically says "how could you kiss Arie in front of me? I thought you were into me?" I get the feeling Ryan's looks have muted the words coming out of his mouth with the ladies for many, many years. I hate this guy.
You know who Emily doesn't hate? Jef. I'm done trying to figure out Emily. She gave Jef, the lost puppy that just wants his belly rubbed and to be told that he's a good boy, the rose. If she's looking looking for a man to take a little control in her house and take all the parenting duties off her shoulders as she claims she is, then she's barking up the wrong tree with Jef.
Now we get our required reminder that Emily is a mom as we see Ricki and her lounging by the pool. I'm still confused as to why it's ok for Ricki to fly all over the country with her mommy, but she couldn't fly out to LA for the first few weeks of the show. But whatever.
Back at the house, the guys are trying to figure out if John or Nate are coming back. The consensus seems to be that John the Wolf is coming back because he's older. Young guy Chris takes offense to this, probably because he saw the disappointment on Emily's face when he told her he was 25 last week. I'm guessing that Doug's "I'm the mature, responsible dad" schtick is starting to wear thin on the guys. I mean, I only see him two hours a week and the guy is killing me. They are with him 24/7!
Anyone else wonder who Ricki is hanging out with while Emily is on these dates? Did Grandmama Maynard come along, and they're just not telling us about it, or is Emily leaving her with like an ABC production assistant? Rachel says it's Grandmama. I'll give Emily the benefit of the doubt and say that Grandma's on Ricki duty, but I wouldn't be shocked if they stuck some intern from Syracuse on babysitting duty for nothing more than a few credits. Then again, if you're an intern and you're flown to the Bahamas, wouldn't you watch a kid for a few hours and not complain?
On the date, Nate turns into a huge mess. First he butchers the pronunciation of "quinoa" at dinner and then talks about how amazing his family is. More amazing than his family though, are his friends. They're apparently so amazing that he starts crying just talking about them. John wins this date by default just by not crying. Emily then sends Nate home to his amazing friends who will hug him and tell him that Emily just didn't get to know the "real Nate." They'll also probably compliment him on his pink v-neck shirt/beige jacket combo as well. Back to your little cocoon of trust, Nate.
Back on Mommy duty, Emily grills Ricki on her homework. Emily is excelling, and it's all thanks to the foreign tutor! Looks like Rachel and I were both wrong....it wasn't grandma, it wasn't a PA, it was the hired nanny/tutor! Atta way Emily!
Alejandro the mushroom farmer gets first crack at Emily before the rose ceremony and promises to let her into the passion in his life if she keeps him around. Emily fills him with a bunch of empty platitudes that leave him probably thinking he's getting a rose, but more likely he's heading home. Jef, meanwhile, continues to piss me off by wearing shorts and knee-high blue socks. He just can't wear pants and shoes like a normal person...no, he has to prove how unique and quirky he is by rocking knee high blue socks at a cocktail party. He just wants people to acknowledge his quirkiness. Go throw your skateboard into the bushes off my tv, Jef. I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality. Ugh.
Ryan continues his campaign to prove how awesome he is by talking about how God blessed him as "romantic, athletic, and charming." Arie tries to interrupt Ryan's one-on-one time, but gets there a little too late (or was held up by ABC) as their conversation is pretty much wrapped up by the time he gets in there. He tries to needle Ryan by sarcastically asking if he minds if he butts in, but Ryan shrugs it off and starts monologuing about how the other guys know he's a threat and feel the need to try and knock him off his pedestal.
Shawn uses his good looks and questions about her daughter to establish he's not on the chopping block tonight and get a little tounge action. That's pretty much all I have to say about Shawn tonight.
Doug, again playing the mature, responsible dad card, tells Ryan that he "doesn't need to kiss Emily" to know where he stands with her, but knows other guys are doing that. It's funny that these two guys are using two completely different strategies to both prove that they're superior to the other guys.
Chris calls Doug out. This is like a scene out of a Rocky V where Tommy Gunn feels the need to challenge Rocky because he thinks Rocky is standing in his way of greatness despite the fact that he's done nothing but help poor Tommy. And much like Tommy Gunn, Chris can't see through his own hubris until he's gotten his ass handed to him by Doug, who barely had to say anything to win that battle. Chris basically punched himself out on that one. It was super entertaining to watch though, so thanks for that Chris.
Time for a deliberation....Chris questions her relationship with Jef, and she keeps saying that she hopes there's romance there. However, when Chris brings up Arie, she starts blushing and smiling ear to ear. Can we just end the contest now? I like that Emily says that she knows that Ryan's playing her. You'd think that this would mean that Ryan's going home, but I'm guessing that she keeps him around for TV's sake before cutting him loose later on. My guess for tonight's elimination is Alejandro. Rachel's is Long Haired Michael. Her choice is better than mine. In fairness, I completely forgot about Long Hair, so it's like he's already off the show anyways.
Apparently two bachelors are going home tonight! Rachel and I could both be right, but Massive Head Wound Charlie would be another good elimination. Alejandro gets the rose, so he will get to talk about how passionate he is about mushrooms next week. Charlie looks like he's having trouble processing this information. Michael gets teary eyed and says he's never been in love, but that's it. Charlie is disappointed that he doesn't get to continue on this "beautiful journey." I have a feeling that the beautiful journey has more to do with the Bahamas and less to do with his relationship with Emily.
Well that was a pretty entertaining episode....my faith in the Bachelorette has been renewed! Tune in next week when good mom Emily tells someone to "get the f*ck out!"
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