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| Props to Morgan Nelson for alerting me that I am a genius! |
I don't want to brag, but I'm a pretty good judge of character. Speaking of Jef, he's worried that Emily is going to have that "click" with Sean on their one on one date. You know, because he absolutely doesn't. Jef is hoping to have some alone time with Emily, presumably so he can awkwardly stare and her and talk to her like he's still the nervous 14 year old in the photograph above. To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, he's "growing older, not up" I guess.
How original! Sean and Emily are taking a double decker bus around the city. Emily is acting as a tour guide, but it's blatantly obvious that she's being fed the information. We've seen this before on seasons, where Ben told us about what year the Mayans built their temples and stuff, but Emily is quoting straight from Wikipedia right now. It's like Sean's a third grader on a field trip. I'm pretty sure that neither of them were entirely sure what anything was.
Back at the ranch, Kalon, Arie and Jef are talking about dating Emily and Jef makes the comment that he's the "group date master." This is true, because I'm sure he's a fun guy to be around, but not alone with. Kalon, ever the observant d-bag, says "well, you know, every date with Emily will be a group date, because Ricki will be coming along too." It's not entirely a false statement, but of course the other guys (and ABC) are looking for any chance to twist some words around. It comes off as "Kalon's bitter and resents Ricki" which may or may not be the case. What's not up for debate is that ABC edited in that awkward laugh Kalon did after saying it from a different part of the conversation to make him look callous. This is how you make someone a villain in the reality TV world.
Back on the date, Emily gets Sean to get up on a box and wax poetic about love in a public park. It goes every bit as horribly as you'd expect a spontaneous speech in front of strangers in a public park to go. He arrogantly says that love, to him, "is a feeling most people can't comprehend." Right....all those billions of people in the history of the world that have gotten married were just posers to the love that Sean's looking for. He wants to give himself over completely to Emily, which is one of those things a vampire would say in a young adult novel. It really has no meaning in the real world.
Emily is apparently fighting a cold, because she sounds like she smoked a whole pack of Lucky Strikes before heading to dinner with Sean at the Tower of London. Emily tries to psyche him out by telling him that King Henry VIII used to behead people in this building, which is about the worst romantic date conversation ever. PEOPLE DIED IN THIS ROOM, SO YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN!! You know, because she's been engaged twice and has a child herself, so that would be just awful of Sean to have that in his past. Sean, ever the cool guy, says "what you see is what you get," and then goes over the top by saying this is the "best day he's ever had, hands down." If this is his best day ever, his life hasn't been that exciting. Hanging out in London with a chick with a cold and eating in a death chamber sounds pretty memorable, but not exactly like a "best day ever." The hyperbole continues with Emily saying she had the "best time ever," and Sean saying that they have the "best view ever." Well these two are either lying to each other, or they're in that fun dating stage where your mind convinces you that things are way, way better than they are. I remember being totally infatuated with a girl who walked dogs at the humane society once a week. At the time, I thought this was the most selfless, amazing, and altruistic act ever. In reality, it's something one does because it looks great on a resume, but I was totally smitten, so I of course gushed over this for a good month.
Group date is Shakespeare time. Emily's voice continues to deteriorate, but Doug the Overly Happy Dad says that Emily is being a "Super Awesome Trooper," which is funny, because I think that's what my son wants to be for Halloween. Kalon gets to play Romeo and of course says "I'm not surprised, I was born to play this role." Arie is proving that race car driving and acting are mutually exclusive talents, and Travis is owning it and doing what everyone should be doing, having a good time. Kalon is making the fateful mistake that the person who performs the best on the group date activity will impress the bachelorette. Being a serious actor will not make you good husband material. Remember when Ben had all the girls play baseball in Puerto Rico? Blakely dominated, but went home like the next week. Nobody cares that you can make a backhanded stab of a groundball in the hole at short. Right on cue, Emily says that Kalon needs to chill out because he's "not on Broadway." EXACTLY. Not to be outdone, Arie is taking it too far in the other direction and getting all mopey that he has to play a woman. It's a play, you're acting, nobody gives a crap. Time to start the play....John says that Emily is the "most beautiful Juliet he's ever seen," which probably means he thinks she's prettier than Claire Danes or that one girl in his sophomore English class that played Juliet in the school play. Doug, who I'm now convinced lives his life by the motto "an empty glass is still full of air" hops on the hyperbole bandwagon and says he's going to play the "best woman anyone's ever seen." Emily says that she "loves seeing all the guys interact with each other." I'm not sure what this means...is she hoping to go on group dates even after selects a "winner?" Kalon goes for super intense Romeo, and Emily is not having it. She rather bluntly says that he was given the most romantic lead and it was the least romantic scene. This is extremely unfair to Kalon, as I'm sure that if Sean or Arie had gone for intense Romeo, she would've eaten it up talking about the passion behind his words or some crap like that. This, coupled with his flippant remark about Ricki earlier probably has earned him a helicopter ride home.
Glass Always Full Doug says "you gotta have fun because she's worth it. I signed on to do this, so I'm going to give it my all." This includes speaking like he just inhaled helium and got kicked in the balls and passionately kissing John the Wolf's cheek. I hate Doug. Arie, for all his bitching and moaning, goes out there and has fun and holy shit does Emily love it. Ryan's built up this kiss in his mind forever, and then goes out like a punk with a dainty kiss...or does he? In a brilliant bit of improvisation, Ryan puts off dying just long enough to go back in for a second kiss. Emily likes it, and all the guys look like someone just got the last cotton candy at the county fair after they waited in line for thirty minutes. Emily calls him a good kisser and calls him the "perfect Romeo." You know, if Romeo were a self-centered former football player. Also, props to the guys for pretending the kiss "didn't count" because it was part of a play. Looked pretty real to Emily and Ryan.
Time for the wrap party. Doug's thanking his lucky stars that he got to experience something new...in this case dressing like an old woman in a play. Cross that one off your bucket list, Dougy Doug! Arie and Ryan at times seem more interested in beating each other rather than winning Emily's hand. Ryan gives us another glimpse into the Gospel of Ryan by telling us that "when a girl says that you're trouble but smiles while saying it, she probably wants to get in trouble." Preach on, Father Ryan! He then pulls out a necklace for her, which of course is her favorite color, which of course Ryan claims he knew. When did he get that? Did he pack it along with him before the trip started? Did he run down to the local shop...er...shoppe during someone else's scene in the Shakespeare Festival? Or did an ABC producer slip it into his hand right before his alone time and say "why don't you give her this...it's her favorite color!" I go with option C. Emily, somewhat cryptically, says "this is a huge surprise - for so many reasons!" Ryan, too busy high fiving himself on the inside, doesn't swallow the verbal lure that Emily just dangled in front of him.
OK, now onto the real drama of the night...someone besmirches the name of "Lil' Ricki." Of course, Kalon's "baggage" comment isn't on film, despite the fact that ABC has cameras on these guys all the time. What I'm getting out of this is that Kalon sees the writing on the wall that he's going home and like a spoiled kid that slowly realizes he's not going to get the new toy he wants, lashes out at the easiest target around. Of course, Doug turns this into an attack on all children, especially his and threatens to "throw Kalon on the ground." Well, that'll certainly make him think about what he's done, Doug. Kalon, to his credit, doesn't try to shy away from what he says, but does say that he wished he'd said "responsibility" instead of "baggage." Not good enough for the nine other guys, who are all out the slay the dragon that has sullied the name of their fair princess Emily. Doug, never missing a chance to prove his moral compass always points North, elects himself to be the bearer of bad news. Emily is so mad she is planning on turning into the Female Redneck Incredible Hulk, or in her words "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods on his ass." I have no clue what this means, although the impression I get of West Virginia is that there aren't many "hoods" for the rats to come out of. Nonetheless, Emily is bound and determined to rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Doug, somehow has made himself Emcee of this show. I actually like him less than Kalon. Kalon, to his credit, tries to own it and explain, but Emily is so angry that she won't even let him speak. Ironic, in that she seemed to despise that quality in Kalon himself. After taking a walk to turn herself back into Bruce Banner, chastises the guys for not telling her sooner. Arie says "I'm so glad you sent him home, because it was eating me up not to tell you that Kalon was a dick." So then why didn't you tell her? Also, by not handing out a rose and basically making the guys feel like they let her down, just ensured that they're going to snitch on each other for EVERYTHING the rest of the season. Awesome.
Back at the hotel, we learn that Ricki thinks a dragon lives at Buckingham Palace, and that Emily calls her Goose. OK then.....
One f Jef gets his date at what might be the most perfect time for him. Of all the guys, he's probably the one that worships Emily the most and is most likely to tell her exactly what she wants/needs to hear without her feeling like he's putting the moves on her. Time for a spot of tea...as Jef gets absolutely upbraided by Jeanne, the domineering tea expert who is going to make sure that they never ever screw up tea time again. Little does Jeanne know that this West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods Girl just wants her PB&J with the crust on, bitch! Jef, true to form, tells Emily exactly what she wants hear, that he called Kalon out when he said the baggage thing. Also, Emily apparently needed to hear that Jef thinks that Ricki is an expensive handbag that he wants to keep forever....cause that's not creepy at all. Jef says he wants to get "above it all" so of course they take a glorified Ferris wheel over London to eat dessert. Emily, not willing to let a bad thing go, spends most of their dessert talking about Kalon and Jef just constantly builds her up, telling her that "it's so cool" that she cusses at mean men. Emily keeps talking about how she "almost" beat the crap out of Kalon, but found a little bit of restraint. She sounds like that annoying little guy that only acts tough when his three friends who play football are around. Emily goes hypothetical on Jef, asking what would happen if she moved to Salt Lake with Ricki. Jef, says that'd be awesome because he could have dance parties with Ricki while Emily goes out. In what world does any of that happen?
Meanwhile, back in Austin, Texas, Brad Womack throws an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at his flat screen and cries himself to sleep. Seriously, did she just propose moving to SLC to live with Jef, after basically saying that moving to Texas was a deal breaker with Brad, a guy she agreed (in principle) to marry? He wears knee high blue socks! And, honey, Texas is a lot more like North Carolina than Utah is (says Andy, the guy who's never been to North Carolina.) Jef, who is still waiting for the PERFECT time to kiss Emily, misses about seventeen almost perfect moments before finally biting the bullet and basically begs her to kiss him. It would've been sweet....if these two were not old enough to vote.
Back at the hotel, Emily turns the cocktail party into the Spanish Inquisition and accuses everyone of letting her down, when Kalon's the only one that really insulted her. Arie tries like hell to get out of the hole Emily has put him in, but the only tool he has is a shovel of a brain. He says some b.s. crap about how he didn't want to ruin his time with her talking about the other guys and that she "clearly had the situation handled." Hilariously, the two guys that are doling out advice on what should've happened are the two guys that have roses. Another point that seems to be lost on Emily is "when were these guys supposed to tell her?" Were they supposed to torpedo their group date by telling her before they went? Or the night before when they are sequestered and forbidden by ABC from talking to her? It seems like it came out at the appropriate time...when the date was over, everyone had had time to talk to her without this cloud hanging over everything, and of course when everyone was sufficiently plied with liquor to muster the courage to discuss such an awkward situation.
At the rose ceremony, Doug gets the first rose, further driving home the "rat out the other guys and you'll be rewarded" theme of the second half of this episode. Other roses are handed out, until Arie and Alejandro are the only two left. Arie might see this as a wake up call that he almost went home, but he should look at this as a positive. Apparently Emily had Arie so built up that it really crushed her that he didn't beat up Kalon so she decided to make him squirm a little bit. Basically he's still a front runner, but he hasn't won the race yet. Arie apparently got the message, because the upcoming scenes show him mustering up the courage to go talk to Emily about Ryan's antics.
God bless this crappy, crappy show.
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