Bachelor, Week 5 - Ben Ups his Douchiness yet Again

You betta check yourself, bitch!

With a line like that in the intro, you know it's on!  We get our lame graphic that reminds me of "where in the world is Carmen Sandiego" where a plane flies from Utah to Puerto Rico, for those people from Arkansas who don't know where either place are...I kid, I kid!  There's people in Oregon who don't know where those places are either.  But, in case you were wondering, Emily says that "Puerto Rico seems like the perfect place to fall in love."  Glad we got that out of the way early.

Courtney continues to just bash Emily in her confessionals.  I believe her when she says she'll "embarrass her."  Emily tried to tangle with her last week, and it went horribly wrong.  The date card says "Nicki" but what all the women heard was "NOT COURTNEY."  Man they hate her.  Awesome moment when the date card is read in some of the worst Spanish ever spoken.  I'm not sure if the producers were planning on embarrassing the poor girl who had to read it, or the entire Spanish speaking world, but wow. 

Nicki's getting ready for her date while the rest of girls lounge on the lawn....not sure who's winning this week so far.  Nicki informs us she'd be "bummed" to not get a rose tonight.  Bummed is what I am when Subway is out of the Italian Herbs and Cheese bread, not when the "person of my dreams" tells me our journey ends here. 

Snocones and Monsoons!  Ben claims that the rain came out of nowhere.  I'm pretty sure that afternoon rainstorms are the norm in that part of the world.  Shocking.  Nicki says that "it's not only raining, but it's SIDEWAYS raining as well!"  I didn't know that sideways rain was not the same as straight down rain.  They proceed to have a little fun with the local language (Ben is MUY CALIENTE!) and Ben says he has "a little Latin flava."  Oof.  Ben did this same thing on Ashley's season when he went around poking fun at Asian cultures on a group date.  This guy's sense of humor is horrible.  There's no depth to it.  He's an easiest joke kind of guy, no imagination whatsoever.

Oh look, a wedding!  That's convenient.  Nothing creepier than a pair of Americans dressed like drug mules with a camera crew spying on your wedding from across the street!  Wonder if they'll show up in the happy couple's wedding photos. 

Ben says that he thinks the two of them have pretty good chemistry, but he also hasn't been sucking face with her quite like the other ladies.  Ben follows the standard Bachelor date format of "have fun during the day, grill the girl on her issues at night." By saying that he wanted to "find out what went wrong" with her first marriage.  I guess maybe this is something you ask people if you've never been married, but I think it's pretty obvious that what went wrong is that they weren't in love anymore, regardless of the situation.  I guess the only thing he could glean is if Nicki just up and said that she cheated on her husband, but if she did that, she obviously doesn't know how to play this game.

Back at the house, Elyse is adamant that she deserves the one on one more than any of the other girls.  Blakely seems to think she deserves it.  Not surprisingly, the last two names left to be read for the date card are Elyse and Blakely.  Clever editing, ABC!  Blakely draws short straw.  Here's hoping Elyse goes home....she bores me.  At least Blakely says dumb stuff and can Stomp the Yard.  Elyse has no redeeming qualities that I can discern.

Ben gives Nicki the rose only because he can't find a reason not to.  She's nice and she's pretty and they can talk to each other, but really I don't see much there.  Nicki's not going to last much longer here.

Beisbol time!   Love that they went to Roberto Clemente stadium...one of my favorite all time players.  I'm not loving the statue of Mr. Clemente though...looks like he's about to chop the head off of a menacing snake with his bat/sword.

Blakely says that she's the most athletic and is going to "wow" Ben with her athleticism.  Not sure that's the best ploy.....if one girl is taking it way more seriously and bragging...that's going to turn a lot of guys off.  Chris Harrison shows up and tells the girls they're going to be competing for a romantic evening.  Lindzi gets the captains pick...meaning she gets the romantic evening no matter what. 

Two inning game?  Yikes.  Casey says the game is crazy competitive.  Unfortunately, competitive doesn't mean entertaining.  These girls are pretty bad.  I will give it to them, they can hit moderately well.  None of them can field at all - including Ben, who throws one away, probably on purpose to add to the drama.  Emily tells her team to "play good defense."  Someone should've yelled "that'd be a first."  Courtney with the best line of the night when, referring to Blakely, says "who knew strippers could play baseball?"  I'm sure she thinks her ability is going to garner her Ben's affection, but I don't think it's going to help her unless she's in a professional league. 

We're going to extra innings, but apparently we're going to see the same footage they've shown already, because I think I've seen Blakely make the same catch at shortstop three times.    Jennifer's got the weight of the game on her shoulders......and she strikes out.  Blakely looks like Michael Jordan after one of his teammates airballed a three pointer.  Blakely, sticking with her MJ persona, reams her teammates for not trying hard.  The helicopter only adds to her rage, as she wishes bad things upon the red team.  This sends her into tears.  Now the whole blue team is in tears, thinking that losing a baseball game cost them their chance at love.  Someone needs to tell these girls that Ben's probably already made his decision and is now just stringing all the other girls along for the show's sake.  If and when Jennifer gets sent home, she's going to eat a gallon of ice cream and watch Mr. Destiny and cry for six days straight. 

Romantic dinner time!  Some girls (Courtney) goes for a summer dress.  Jaime goes for cutoff shorts and a shirt that's having an identity crisis - is it a formal shirt, is it a tank top...I DON'T KNOW!  Let's cut to the unhappiest bus of all time.  Poor girls sitting in the dark crying on a school bus....yeesh.  I think that might be the place I'd least like to be in the world. 

Ben spends some quality time with Kacie B. and goes next level with his emotional talk.  I think he really does like her.  Kacie's hair kind of reminds me of Monica's in that Friends episode where they went to the Bahamas Courtney slams all the other girls (including calling my girl Jaime a "hot mess.")  Courtney then says she "needs time, not roses."  She exudes confidence.  She is the smartest girl here, hands down.  She steals Ben away, and Kacie gets pissed.  How quickly she seems to forget that she stole Ben away from a group date back in San Francisco.  Yeesh. 

Courtney wants to go skinny dipping!  Remember when Ben told Kacie in Utah that he didn't kiss her because he didn't want her to get attacked by the other girls?  Apparently Ben isn't applying the same level of courtesy to Courtney.  Although he could probably justify it by saying "the other girls already hate Courtney, so it's all good!"  Although as we cut to commercial, they make it look like Courtney holds off on nekkid time until after the group date is over.....maybe we're going with a different situation, although Ben's a moron if he thinks the other girls won't find out. 

Elyse gets her date card, which is just a formality at this point.  She then gets all emotional talking about how much she gave up for this opportunity, and if it doesn't work out she'll be crushed.  Let's say I told you you had a 1 in 25 chance of winning anything.  Would you give up everything you had...for a 4% chance?  Of course not, so why would you do it for a 4% chance at love?  Oh, that's right...you also get to be on TV and become a fake celebrity. 

Elyse goes into the date laying out all her qualities, including the great job she has that she just told us two minutes ago she "gave up."  She then re-iterates that she gave up her job to be here.  I'm confused.  Elyse then goes on to say that she ditched her best friend's wedding because she wanted to find love.  Yikes.  I'm guessing that relationship is going to be strained when she gets home.  Elyse then follows up her "I gave up a lot to be here" with "I like you, let's get married and screw everyone else."  Very, very odd conversation.  Ben's so weirded out by her casual marriage proposal that he jumps off the side of the boat....well maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but Ben definitely shifted the date from talking to action.  Hope he sends her home....I really don't think she'd see it coming.  But I do Elyse!  If not this week then soon.  Very very soon.

Elyse apparently didn't talk to the other girls about Ben's dinner conversation, because she just opens herself up to be bombarded with tough questions by saying "do you have any concerns?"  To her credit, she handles his questions well.  Ben stays silent however, and she just keeps on talking, which makes it worse.  Oof.  Ben says "he knows what he needs to do."  That doesn't sound good.  There's lots of pauses and "unfortunatelys" in his speech.  She's not getting the rose!  He then makes it worse by saying "I've got better relationships  already with the other girls than I could ever have with you."  That was the opposite of letting her down easy.  That was tying a two ton weight to her legs and dropping her off a bridge.  Wow.  Elyse wants to know what she did wrong.  She's really trying for a sympathy stay of execution, but Ben just strokes her hair and reiterates that he likes the other women more than he'll ever like her.  This ain't a game to Ben.....he's SURRIOUS.  Elyse still thinks she screwed up and did something wrong.  I don't think anyone understands how egotistical that statement is.  The implication is that he couldn't possibly love someone more than her unless she made some sort of serious mistake.  Is this how her life has gone?  Has she gotten every man she's ever wanted?  If so, I have to wonder about the caliber of men she's dated in the past.  This is a pretty person problem.  I think I learned about not getting the girl you want in about second grade.  Humbleness...pass it on!

Back at the hotel, the girls seem shocked and slightly upset that he'd send a girl home despite the fact that they get pissed whenever he spends time with one of them.  Courtney continues her mastery of the other girls, saying crazy, off the wall stuff that gets the girls focused more on her than on Ben.  She's exactly like Michelle on Brad's season, only she's BETTER.  She's Michelle 2.0.  I still think she'll end up losing to Lindzi or Kacie B or Jennifer.  Ben says "this is a bad idea, but I want to spend more time with her."  Translation "I REALLY REALLY WANT TO SEE HER NAKED."  Ben's brain has time travelled back to when he was 15.  Courtney says she's worried that the girls will hate her when they find out, as if she doesn't already know that they do.  You're not fooling anyone Court - we know you don't give a damn about the other girls' feelings at all.

Cocktail party time!  Emily asks if anyone feels good.  Courtney says "she does" which is the truth.  Emily takes it as arrogance.  Emily is completely thinking herself out of this competition.  Jennifer thanks Ben for their date in Park City.  Ben says it was "rad."  I can't tell if this is a compliment or something you say when you don't know what to say.   Ben says their conversations are easy, then stops talking and makes out with her.  It is easy when you're not talking, isn't it?  Blakely says she's had a revelation that she can't wait to tell Ben.  This should be good.  I thought she was building up to "I love you" but she goes a completely different direction and essentially says "I love myself" thanks to you.  I think Ben got thrown for a loop there too....but then Blakely shows her appreciation by tongue wrestling with him.  Ben says he's blown away by her honesty. 

Courtney decides to stir the pot and starts the skinny dipping conversation.  Jennifer starts treating this like a slumber party after the middle school dance asking who's gone skinny dipping and where.  Why would you want to know this stuff, Jennifer?  Is there really an OMG factor in what people have done when you're in your late 20's and 30's?  It's shocking when a 17 year old has skinny dipped in a public pool.  It's not when a 27 year old has.

Emily starts her alone time with Ben by saying that she hasn't thought about Courtney all week, but then follows it up by talking about how Courtney is a weirdo.  Ben tells her the same thing he told her last week, drop it or you're going home.  Emily says "I think he hates me."  I think she's trying to get sent home now.  She's found a way to get herself kicked off without admitting she doesn't want to be with Ben or really admitting that he doesn't want to be with her.  Kind of like when people say they're to focused on a career to have a relationship right now.  You create an issue to "block" whatever it is you're supposed to want but don't really want.  I'm on to you now Emily.

Rose Ceremony time!  Rachel or Casey S.  is going home...that's my prediction.  Could be Jamie though.  She's getting absolutely not airtime, which is a shame.  She's gorgeous.  She must have a trainwreck of a personality, otherwise Ben is an absolute moron...she gets a rose, so I hold out hope that she gets a one on one date next week!  Rachel gets a rose too....Casey S is on the chopping block...but she's safe!  Emily is now dead girl walking, and she knows it.  Blakely does not have the look of a woman who has "found herself."  She looks like a woman who needs a rose to feel any sense of worth as a woman. 

What just happened?  He sent Jennifer home?  How the hell did that happen?  Apparently "Rad" does not mean "good date" in Benspeak.  I'm really, really surprised about that one.  Ben's got some 'splaining to do.  Jennifer too wonders what she did wrong, only in her case, she's justified because Ben really didnt' give her any indication she was in trouble.  He talked about how easy their conversations were.....bad form by Ben there.  This is tragic for her.  Ben is a Douchebag.  He's actually the worst kind of Douchebag - the kind that thinks he's a nice guy.   Bachelor Ben, I hate you.
Ben then says "We're going to the most romantic city in Central America....." which is met with a lot of blank stares because I think if you asked 80 people what the most romantic city in Central America was, you'd get 75 different answers.  Panama City!  It's got a canal! and stuff! 

Tune in next week, when Ben apparently listens to the other girls about Courtney (boy that's gotta piss Emily off), and something horrible happens to Casey S!

The Bachelor - Winning!

Utah!!  One of the most underrated states in terms of natural beauty.  My favorite family trip as a kid was to Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah.  Absolutely an awesome place.

However, it wasn't nearly as awesome as the resort the women stayed at this week....wow!  Of course Kacie B. thinks it's the "perfect place to fall in love."  She says that now, but next week when they're in Saskatchewan, THAT will be the perfect place.  Just once I want someone to say "not gonna lie, this place is not nearly as cool as I thought it'd be,"  or "I hate the food here" or something.  Kacie continues by crying and looking out on the scenery because he's dating someone else.  Did she get the first one-on-one?  I think she did.  Never fails that the the first solo dater gets butt hurt because she shared the first "connection" with the bachelor.  Frank got all sketchy on Ali, Ashley was a goddamn mess on Brad's second season....Kacie B. looks like she's joining the club.  She even goes all tragic hero when Ben picks up Rachel, saying "at least I got to see his face, and he knows I'm still here."  Yeesh.

By the way, my fantasy team this week is Jamie, Monica, and RACHEL!  One on One points right out the gate on this one!  I also picked Elyse to go home. 

Ben calls his date with Rachel "more down to Earth."  YOU TOOK A HELICOPTER TO A SECLUDED LAKE!!!!  Ben wastes no time whipering "it's so quiet" before moving in for a kiss on a canoe named Jupiter.  Who names a canoe?  Is this a thing?  And the bugs have to be taking away from the ambience, right?  That's a lot of bugs buzzing around!  They dock the Jupiter for some good champagne and horrible  conversation.  This is not looking good for my fantasy team.  I'd send her home.  Ben, despite having to resort to pointing out a beaver dam that he obviously couldn't care less about to keep the conversation going, says "they have a connection."  I've determined that the term "we have a connection" means "she gives me a boner" to Ben.  This guy is awful. 

Fast forward a few hours and it's time for a creepy walk through the dark woods.  Ben monologues about getting Rachel to open up, and how he's not giving up on her.  How badly does this guy want a little over the jeans rub and a tug?  He's not looking for a wife...at least not yet. 

Group date card comes out......Jamie's on it, more points for me.  Monica's not....that's a wasted pick this week for me.  Emily clears her throat before saying Courtney's name...way to poke the bear Emily.  Good luck with Hurricane Courtney. 

Rachel is killing this conversation.  Rather than talk about herself, she says "I'll talk about myself, but you need to ask me."  Basically says "you carry this conversation."  Ben, despite this being the most boring and uninteresting conversation ever, is convinced that this is going somewhere.  He then gives her a rose, but says nothing about her personality at all but compliments her physical appearance and says he "likes kissing her."  He's going to keep her around so he can see her in a bikini.  I have Ben's horniness to thank for those fantasy points. 

Ben on a horse.  If I was on this date, I would've opted for this entrance, but whatever.  The girls love it, especially Lindzi, who is a horse fetish.  Nikki again, has no words for the situation.  She clearly only reads illustrated books.  Kacie continues her epic struggle for Ben's attention.  Courtney continues her dominance in the facial expression category....the girl is a champ.  To her credit, she seems to have a pretty good pulse on the competition.  She's picking her spots and every move she makes has double impact...to lure Ben in and to make the other women so mad they overreact and flip out. 

In perhaps the strangest move ever, all the girls leave Ben in the water with Courtney to fish while they drink on the banks.  Nice plan ladies.  Even more dumbfounding, they seem pissed at Courtney for staying out there with him.  Lindzi at least gets back in the water, but opts for a move I perfected in middle school - just kind of hang out on the periphery and hope the object of your affection notices you.  It never works.  You end up looking like a creepy peeper/stalker.  Predictably, Courtney catches a fish (probably because she was FISHING instead of drinking) and all the girls chalk it up to bad luck rather than continuing to fish.  Courtney is an evil genius. 

Cocktail reception time!  There's a Waldorf Astoria in Park City...who knew?  Side note - I had to book a room at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC for one of our employees last month, that place is not cheap.  ABC doesn't skimp on this.  Amazingly, the girls seem more interested in not hurting each others feelings than actually getting Ben's attention.  They try to make a pact to not interrupt each others alone time.  Nikki, our girl of few words, smartly says "f that" and goes to interrupt Casey S.  She plays the sympathetic role, mentioning her boss just died before she came and she's out to live life to the fullest.  She hits the jackpot, because Ben experienced a death just prior to filming as well.  Good time, gets a kiss, and then Samantha interrupts.  Nikki, not realizing the irony of this, gets pissed.  Samantha looks pretty drunk and may be trying to play the ditzy blonde role.  She kinda shoots herself in the foot by trying to play coy while at the same time calling Ben out for not giving her one on one time.  Ben, to his credit, doesn't play her game and flat out tells her she's on group dates because she hasn't proven she deserves more than that to this point.  At this point Samantha is dead girl walking.  She tries to recover, but she's toast.  In a very telling statement, she says what hurts the most is that "Ben wasn't into her."  Not that her heart got broken, not that she never got a chance to show him who she was, but that he didn't find her interesting/pretty enough.  Silly narcissist.  Ben's not playing around.  He sent three girls home last night (four if you count the one that evicted herself) and he's boucing people mid-group date this week. 

Jennifer, the best kisser according to Ben, gets a one-on-one.  Monica and Elyse get the dreaded dateless week.  Kacie B. gets the alone time she craves, and Ben does the classic "I wanted to show you affection in front of the other girls, but I didn't want them to be mad at you" move.  In reality, he doesn't want them to be mad at him.  Ladies, take it from me....if he's not showing you affection in public, he's not committed no matter what he says.  Courtney gets her alone time, and instead of using it to focus on the good stuff, she goes "damn you Ben, you leave me alone with these bitches and you need to just propose to me now despite the fact that there's six episodes left."  Ben, not wanting to piss her off before getting his nooky nooky, gives her the rose to appease her.  Bad move Ben, she's going to use this tactic on you again in future weeks and you'll have set a precedent.  Kacie B, is pissed that her moment got overshadowed by Courtney's moment.  She'll be even more pissed when she sees this episode and finds out that their moment was just Courtney complaining that Ben was showing the other girls attention.  Again, the evil genius is winning. 

We're going to go a little outside the box here and equate The Bachelor to Professional Wrestling.  The Evil Genius never wins!   Hulk Hogan would always get his ass kicked all over the ring for about 20 minutes before rallying at the very end by channeling some higher power.  The bad guy would just keep firing punches at Hulk's head even though it was clear that the only thing this was accomplishing was tiring out the bad guy and making it easier for the Hulkster to complete the comeback by dropping  his leg on their chest, getting the 3 count, and hoisting the belt over his head.  Don't be surprised if Courtney continues to look like the front runner until the very end, when Ben picks some sweetheart like Kacie B. or Lindzi or Jennifer.  That's my prediction at least.

Jennifer gets the fear = love date.  Poor girl.  Jennifer thinks the "No Trespassing" sign is a "bad sign."  I'd argue that it's a good sign because it accurately and concisely conveys its point, but whatever.  Jennifer goes on to say that she "knows nothing about craters" as if there's a whole lot to know about empty holes.  Ben says they're getting into the crater in a way most people wouldn't.  Seeing how craters usually are just big holes, I'd again argue that everyone goes in the same way....through the top of the hole.  Relationships are like giant craters to Ben - you just throw yourself at the bottom and hope you don't die.  Jennifer basically says that the crater is the perfect place to fall in love - go figure.  So if you're scoring at home, add Park City and a crater to the list of places you can fall in love.  Jennifer and Ben continue their date by riding inside a giant pair of BluBlocker sunglasses on a chairlift.  Seriously, what was that? 

Back at the house, the girls are wondering what to do about Courtney.  Monica, who has completely shed her "closet lesbian" persona from the first night, says perhaps the most sane thing of the entire season.  "Why waste your time talking about another girl?  True colors will show, and I'm not worried about it at all."  My preseason favorite got off to a rocky start, but she's sticking around despite not having any meaningful time at all with Ben. 

Back on the one on one day, Jennifer gets the rose and then gets a concert?  Unlike Lindzi's Matt Nathanson experience, Jennifer has to share her concert with a couple thousand people.  Also unlike Matt Nathanson, I've heard of Clay Walker.  Jennifer says "Clay Walker is a superstar."  I say Clay Walker WAS a superstar.  Jennifer looks genuinely estatic.   She's got a good chance to be this season's Hulk Hogan. 

Rose ceremony time!  Courtney says "I'm waiting for a bomb to go off."  This is The Bachelor's version of foreshadowing.  I'm going out on a limb and saying a bomb will go off.  Ben asks Monica to chat, and we immediately cut to the other girls talking about Courtney.  Monica STILL hasn't got any meaningful on screen time with Ben.....and yet she's still here.  Same goes for Jamie, Casey S. and Elyse.  One of them has to go home tonight, right? 

Emily tries to confront Ben about Courtney, and it goes horribly wrong from her perspective.  Ben basically tells her "Don't tell me what I should be doing." and warns her that she could be going home if she pushes this.  SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO MONICA.  Casey S, shockingly, is friends with Courtney and defends her to Emily.  Who knew?  In typical girl fashion, Casey immediately runs to Courtney to rat out Emily.  Despite Casey's insistence that Courtney is a "nice person," Courtney proceeds to say that Emily is "an idiot" and can't believe she's "that dumb."  Real nice person.  That scene where Casey and Courtney are talking was super creepy.  It came off looking like Courtney was using Casey for information and Casey hadn't quite figured it out yet.

All of a sudden the girls start talking about who has learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than in the past two years.  A few girls raise their hands.  Courtney didn't, and apparently that makes her a bad person.  Emily is all over her.  Courtney says she felt like she was in a sorority.  I tend to agree.  Emily tries to go toe to toe with Courtney, but ends up looking stupid.  Monica goes Mother Hen on Emily and gives her advice.  I take back what I said about Monica shedding her closet lesbian tendencies.  It was almost like she was grooming Emily for a future encounter.  She even referred to herself as "Mama Bear."  Please keep this girl around Ben, I want to see where this leads!

Elyse got a rose...didn't see that coming.  It's down to Monica or Emily....I think Mon's going home.  Too bad.  Mama Bear gets the boot.  It's a bummer, because she really never seemed to even get a chance.  I didn't expect her to melt down in the limo, but melt down she does.  She completely overreacts, claiming that, because she didn't win a reality show, love doesn't exist.  Man the range of emotions on this show are amazing.  She went from "I'm not concerned" to "don't let 'em get to you kiddo" to "I'm going to be a spinster living with cats' in about 30 minutes of airtime! 

Not the best episode, but, unlike Once Upon a Time, I'll be back next week for some more!

We've gotten soft

A while ago, a friend of mine shared a link with me that listed Corvallis as the "least likely community in America to suffer a natural disaster."  I think maybe we've gotten a little too comfortable with our surroundings.

Everyone in Oregon knows that when it snows in Portland, or anywhere in the Willamette Valley for that matter, people freak the hell out.  The news crews scramble every available reporter to every overpass, hill, pretty looking snow covered bush and park with kids building snowmen in a fifty mile radius.  They give cute names like "winter blast 2012" to the weather system, then fill up 25 of the available 30 minutes with forecasts, coverage, and viewer photos of animals in an inch of snow.  That's a whole 'nother blog post right there - people taking completely uninteresting pictures of their animals and submitting them to news stations. 

The forecasts are what really kill me though.  They usually start out saying "we've got a very good chance of seeing some white stuff come down...as much as a foot in some areas!"  Everyone goes apeshit at this point, thinking they live in the area that will get a foot of snow.  Let's say this happened during the 4 o'clock news.  (Side note:  I saw a news station tout itself as the "Most watched news at 4!"  This just means you're popular with people who likely don't have jobs.  Congrats!) By the 5 o'clock news, the "chief meteorologist" will say "This system is really unstable, so it's hard to predict, but the possibility is still there for ten to twelve inches."  At 6 o'clock, they'll say "we're still tracking this storm, and there's a lot of variables, but I'll have a much more detailed forecast by 11.  So then you watch Jeopardy! and get your kids tucked into bed, maybe watch a little CSI: NY or NCIS: LA or HIMYM or some other show with an annoying acronym, and now it's time for the 11 pm news.  Surprise!  The system stalled out, and now we're looking at anywhere from a light dusting to two inches in higher elevations.  This happens every damn time, and I'm sick of it because I'm a huge sucker that, like everyone else, loves it when it snows around here.  I want it to happen so badly, that I'm getting out of bed three times a night to peek out the window like an 8 year old who doesn't want to go to school the next day.  And Rod Hill or Seth Wayne or Joseph Calbreath is always letting me down. 

I'm not the only sucker though.  School districts all over the area close schools for a trace amount of snow.  I swear that every school superintendent and decision maker in this state must live on Mount Crumpit.  OSU was on a two hour delay Tuesday, and I swear to you I made it to work faster than I have in months because the roads were clear and everyone else was at home.  Wednesday was the kicker.  Schools were on delay again because of the conditions, but it was 40 degrees!  I understand that there's probably a small (SMALL!) group of students/faculty that live in outlying areas of higher elevation that may need to allot extra time to get into town, but come on!  We essentially delayed classes because of a big rainstorm.  This is OREGON.  It rains like 66% of the time during the winter!

Of course I write this the day that someones car is swept out of a grocery store parking lot and into a creek, killing at least one person.  I still chalk that one up to operator error more than mother nature.  That never would've happened at a Market of Choice is all I'm saying.  Also, this is happening, so maybe the rain is a bit extreme....but still none of this should cause the two hour delay of a major public university.  These are isolated incidents....it's not like Highway's 34 and 20 are covered in water and there's no access to the school.  Yet.

A further example of the wussification of Oregon could be found later Wednesday when Kerr Administration Building was closed for a bomb scare.  It turned out to be a cardboard box filled with surplus computer equipment.  My question is "what made this package suspicious?"  If I saw a cardboard box anywhere in this building I wouldn't think twice about it.  If I saw one anywhere on campus I wouldn't think twice about it.  Now, if I was a secret service agent or police officer and it was during an event that would have some high profile person there (and no, I don't think the president of Oregon State qualifies as high profile - and besides he was in Portland on business yesterday.  A bomber would've known this) then maybe I get a little jumpy about a box.  But if the only thing that made this box suspicious was that it didn't say "surplus computer equipment" on it, then I think we're just getting a little too paranoid around here.

"These Girls are Going to Hate me!"

Week 3 of the Bachelor kicks off with a little teaser showing a girl we'll call Sexy Ankles showing up mysteriously.  The girls hate this, because of course they're assuming there are rules when you go on a reality show.  Silly girls, the only rule is that ABC hates you and will do anything in their power to make you cry and potentially damage you permanently. 

Also, I discovered Fantasy Bachelor last week.  For the record, my team this week consists of Lindzi, Courtney and Jamie....Lindzi and Jamie because I thought they had good chances to be picked for one-on-ones, and Courtney because there's no way in hell she's getting cut.  FYI, my pick to be cut is Jaclyn, AKA "The Pot" because she said Blakely (AKA "The Kettle") had a horse face last week. 

San Francisco...Ben's hometown!  Wait, wasn't Sonoma his hometown last week?  I'm so confused.  The girls are of course already over analyzing it, saying that he's going to pick people for dates he could see fitting into his life there.  I think he picks the girls he's got the best chance to do some heavy petting with, but that's just me. 

Ben says the best thing about SF is that his sister lives there.  This is not good for any future girlfriend/fiancee.  I'm wary of guys who consult their sisters about potential dates.  The sister is like a surrogate mom/wife.  She fills both roles for the single brother.  It's like a double dose of judgement for the girls.  Yikes.  I also love his sister's mock shock at the "Lindzi rode in on a horse" story.  Why is this so shocking?  I'm not sure anything would shock me if my friend was on a reality show.  Now if you're just going on a date with the girl in apartment 4B and she shows up for your first date on a horse, NOW we've got a story! 

Emily gets the first one-on-one....Fantasy bachelor team takes a hit.  At least she's got a personality, so maybe the date will be entertaining.  Courtney of course gets her required insult in, saying that Emily may be smarter, but she's book smart, and that's boring.  This is model speak for "I'm way dumber than she is, but I'm a slut, so, advantage me!"

Emily runs to Ben on their date.  She probably shouldn't have though....because Ben drops the "We're climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge!" date on her.  This is a double whammy for Emily:  1.) she's afraid of heights, and 2.) who wants to climb to the top of the Bay Bridge.  I mean, if you have to do something potentially fatal on your first date, why not do it on the pretty bridge that's world famous on the other side of the bay?  The only two things the Bay Bridge is famous for is collapsing during an earthquake, and ruining people's commutes home.  Ben makes our first big stretch in comparing relationships to ridiculous Bachelor date activities.  "Overcoming fears can only make relationships stronger.  If we can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there's no telling how far we can take this relationship."  He's right about that, since the two things aren't even remotely related. 

Emily stops halfway up, claiming she's having a panic attack.  That was the calmest panic attack ever.  I've never seen anyone smile during a panic attack.  Also, she paused so that the girls back in the hotel can see her through a telescope.  Jennifer conveniently is looking through a convenient telescope in a convenient hotel with a convenient view of the bridge.  What a coincidence.  Ben, in an attempt to keep Emily from panicking, decides to make her contort her body into an off balance pose to kiss him.  Ben's kisses are to Emily what spinach is to Popeye, and she scales the second half of the "crazy contraption" as she calls it in less time than it took her to do the first half.  Emily makes the obligatory "scary situations are good metaphors for relationships" comment, following up with the even better story about bridges bringing "two separate things together, just like Ben and me!" Somebody kill me.

Dinner time!  Ben reinforces for the 90th time that the bridge was the scariest thing either of them have ever done....but then follows it up by talking about proposing to a girl who said no on national television.  Personally, I'd rather climb five bridges than have to propose to someone on national TV when I knew there was a 50% chance she'd say no.  Ben goes on to say that he was in love with Ashley and it was fun while it lasted.  That really doesn't sound like someone who was in love to me, but whatever.  Maybe he's just bitter...I'll give him a pass on that one.  Emily lets him know she's an online dater.....and that a website matched her with her older brother.  Oh the horror!  It's not hard to imagine this happening...say the family had a beach house growing up, and both of them put down that their favorite place to go in the world was the beach.  They're also probably the same religion and perhaps share the same political views from growing up in the same household.  Emily asks about his former relationships (foreshadowing for the mysterious ex showing up later?) and then says that her two biggest fears are heights and rejection.  I'm guessing she probably shouldn't have gone on The Bachelor then.  This date is getting pretty serious pretty fast - they're talking a lot about emotions and family and fears and expectations.  In any other situation, both of them would be running for the door.  Ben gives her the rose, but not before another heartfelt story about his dad.  Emily says the whole date was perfect, and that she can't imagine anything topping it.  This of course means fireworks.  Emily compares the fireworks to Ben's kissing, and then we get the conquering fears = long term happiness song and dance for the four hundredth time in the last 5 minutes. 

Group Date!  The date card referenced crossing something off their "Leap List."  I've never heard this term, and apparently neither has anyone else, because it wasn't defined on urbandictionary.com.  A google search of "Leap Lists" returns a few links to Honda's new marketing promotion and a list of Leap Years.  So yeah, I'd say it's not all that common of a term.  Also, I'm not sure anyone had "ski on fake snow in San Francisco on their Leap List."  I think that's on mine right behind "Have a chalupa in the Oval Office." 

More girls running to meet Ben in skimpy dresses!  Oh look, they're driving Honda's!  Synergy people!  Honda's let you put a digital wallpaper on the dashboard - because what cars need are more things to draw your eyes away from the road.  I'm confused as to why only two girls had to carry ski's up the hill - did they volunteer to show Ben they weren't girly girls, or did they draw the short straw?  Why not make all the girls carry them to thin out the herd?  Fortunately, all the girls wore bikinis and were giving matching tube socks and stocking caps! 

Bad skiing montage!

Worst quote ever goes to Ben:  "Butt skiing backwards is on my leap list!"

Lindzi's starting to get jittery about getting the first impression rose and not going on a date yet.  Lindzi thinks she's being overlooked, which is insane, because if I picked a girl based on a first impression, I'm not going to dismiss her without giving her a chance to make good on that first impression.  Can you imagine going to the rose ceremony and saying "your first impression was great, but then these other girls licked my tonsils, so I gotta pick them...sorry!"  Classic over analysis.  Meanwhile, Brittney gets the second one-on-one, and Lindzi and Courtney didn't go on the group date, so I am a huge failure at Fantasy Bachelor.  Brittney is not stoked to go on the date with Ben apparently, as she expresses reservations.  Probably thinking about what her grandma will think of the way she represents herself.  She's seen the way the other girls are acting, and probably thinks she needs to out-whore them to win, and that's just not what grandma Cheryl would want! 

Back on the group date...ski time's over already?  Think about how much money they spent on that for about three minutes of footage!  Ben takes the girls to a bar, shots are flowing and Ben says "I don't think there's going to be any drama tonight!"  Ben is an idiot.  He brought Blakely, right?  Rachel says she sees a different side of Ben tonight, which is funny, because he seems exactly the same as the first time we saw him on the Bachelorette last year.  This guy is definitely not an onion - there's no layers to him.  Rachel gets a kiss, which of course is in plain view of the other girls.  They seem bitter.  Kacie (smartly) kidnaps Ben and takes him on a walk, which will drive the other girls insane.  Nice move on her part. 

Brittney just bailed on the date!  Says it's hard not knowing where she could've gone with Ben.  How do you not go on the date just to see what it's like with him?  She's interrupting the group date to say she's leaving!  Ah Ben, so much for your drama-less night.  Ben doesn't seem upset.  He actually gives a shrug and then says "say hi to Grandma" on her way out.  I'm pretty sure Ben is drunk.  Rachel gets the rose.  By Bachelor standards, that was an extremely un-dramatic group date.  These people are boring.  Apparently the producers noticed that too, because we're sent to commercial with the teaser that they're bringing in Sexy Ankles! 

Points for my fantasy team!  Lindzi gets the sloppy seconds on the one-on-one!  The bitterness she displayed about not getting a date before is completely gone, so apparently she wasn't too upset about it.  Ben and Lindzi take a cable car on wheels, which seems like it's cheating to me.  It's like catching a fish in a trout farm - sure you're fishing, but you're not really fishing.

The date takes a "night at the museum" vibe as they take their flashlights into an abandoned building where some guy with goofy hair is at the top of a marble staircase singing with his guitar.  Lindzi tells us that it's Matt Nathanson, which, given the way she's portrayed herself as a down home country girl, I have to believe that she really had no clue who the hell he was.  I know I had no clue who the dude was.  She also says that she usually doesn't "kiss boys" on first dates, but I'm guessing she also doesn't usually have private concerts from recording artists on first dates either.  Ben then takes her to a bar, but he calls it a "speakeasy."  This confirms it for me:  Ben is either a time traveler or a douche.  

....Sadly, my blog didn't save and I lost the rest of my post before I got to publish it.  I don't have it in me to recreate it, so here's the highlights that I can remember.

*Ben took Courtney to a balcony that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe.  He took a girl he's supposedly considering for marriage to a spot that a politician banged a movie star behind his wife's back.  Classy.  Courtney didn't care because she probably doesn't know who JFK was.

*Shawntel's back!  She was shown driving a car, probably a Honda, but ABC missed a chance to give her a car with the digital wallpaper that could've had Ben's picture on it.  She could've talked about it giving her the motivation to go in there and piss off all the other girls.  Honda should be pissed too.  I need a job as a producer on this show.

*Speaking of Shawntel, she got a few new nicknames:  Courtney calls her "What's her Butt" and Jaclyn "The Pot" calls her "Brad's Dumpster Trash."  I'm officially changing her nickname from "The Pot" to "Ben's Dumpster Trash," and yes I did this before she got eliminated. 

*Speaking of her elimination, it let to our third consecutive week of locked door bathroom crying!  The streak is alive!

*My fantasy stats:  Courtney and Lindzi got kisses, Lindzi got a one on one, Courtney, Lindzi, and Jamie all got roses, and Jaclyn got the boot. Turned out to be a pretty good night.

*Shawntel also got the boot, after only 45 minutes of airtime.  Nice tease, ABC.  This was almost as big of a letdown as the tsunami episode of Hawaii Five-0, where they hyped it for weeks only for us to find out it was a false alarm in the first ten minutes of the show.  I'm also convinced that Ben whispered in Shawntel's ear as she walked out "Hey, after the show's over and I'm engaged to one of these psychos, I know a balcony that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe that we should meet up at."

Alright that's it.  Sorry for the computer error on my part, but think of it this way...I probably just saved you fifteen minutes of your day!  Use that time to get a car insurance quote with GEICO.

Bachelor, Week 2 - Ben LOVES Scotch

What no time at the bachelor mansion?  Ben sends the girls to his hometown right off the bat....what a great way to make the girls feel it's serious right from the get go.....this should lead to even more crazy over the top feelings.

Ben has fond memories of his father....just like every other person everywhere whose father was not an abusive alcoholic.  Let's not glorify the fact that he loved his dad, OK ABC?

Kacie gets the first date, which is good because I don't think anyone remembered who she was.  Also, love when there's two girls on the show with the same first name.  Kacie B. makes her sound like a spice girl, or a fourth grader.  Either way, it's amusing to me.

Ben says that "Southern women are very family oriented."  A nice sentiment, until you realize that you could probably replace "Southern" with Hispanic, African, Midwestern, Mormon, Pacific Islander, or pretty much any other group of people.

I was willing to give ABC the benefit of the doubt when Ben "runs into" a few friends on the street, but when Kacie B. finds a baton in a candy shop....that's just ridiculous.  I know there's always band props when I walk into See's Candy.  I hope that on the next date the epidemiologist girl just "happens" upon a Petri Dish in a Starbucks.

Ben really misses his daddy.  He's really laying down the "this is where I'm happy and this is where I'm staying" law.  It's admirable that he's big on family and all that, but I worry about his prospects for a lasting relationship if he's not at least flexible to moving for his future spouse.  Makes me wonder what else he's going to be inflexible on.  Of course he's got the major hammer of being The Bachelor so none of the girls want to argue or question him for fear of being eliminated. 

Ben starts the "Ben and Kacie Future Wedding Slide Show" by saying "Oh you're your dad is so Southern!"  I just wonder what would've happened if Kacie was from Mexico City...."Oh, he's so Mexican!"

I understand that I'm super fortunate to have my dad still in my life, but let's remember here that Ben was an adult when his dad died.  His dad wasn't ripped from his life when he was 8 or something.  The guy just seems a little over sensitive to me.  Maybe that's because I'm under-sensitive.  Kacie B. sure seems to love it.  I'd always assumed that tears on a first date weren't a good idea regardless of your gender, but apparently it's OK....provided you're a rich winemaker with the unlimited resources of ABC at your disposal, and also that girl is in a competition with 17 other women for your affection.

Commercial break!  First you take the jumbo jack, then you add two tacos.....

Group dates.....always awesome.  Ben remarks that "that's a lot of pairs of legs."  Classy. 

Ben talks about some playwrights and the girls start thinking about Broadway.  It's lame to say this after the fact, but I totally knew it was going to be kids.  I'm not sure if this was to judge their mommy potential or what.  This is awful.  Blakely saves this segment by wearing something that I'd put on my 8 month old daughter.  Props to ABC for editing it make it look like the 8 year old boy was digging the busty moron...nothing like portraying a fourth grader as a sexual being to America. 

Back at the house, Courtney is being a bitch!  Shocker!

Back at the community theater, Ben is doing is best to embarrass the hell out of all the women, making them wear horrible costumes in front of the entire town of Sonoma.  This is another major flaw of The Bachelor - they always put the women in super awkward situations and then the guy will try to equate this unrealistic scenario to an actual relationship.  He'll end up sending a girl home because she'll either take it too seriously or not seriously enough.  Pretend this wasn't a TV show and you overheard a guy at Safeway say "Yeah, I had to cut her loose because she just didn't get into her Gingerbread Man character in a fourth graders play." 

Does anyone think that the kids came up with this play?  I imagine these kids sitting down with a production assistant and throwing out ideas and the P.A saying "great idea Timmy, but what if we had him dress like a sheep and then strip down to his loincloth when the dragon blows on him?"  WOW ABC....just WOW. 

And right on cue, Ben says that the women "proved they are comfortable in their own skin" by acting like farm animals in a horrible play. Tune in next week when Ben says something like "this girl can't handle the pressure of a long term relationship.  I mean, did you see the way she freaked out about hang gliding over shark infested waters?"

Group date after party!  Ben wants to get into more "serious" conversations with the women - while they're wearing bikinis of course!  Ben gets "major points" for being good with kids.  He'll score more points later in the season when he's good with dogs...and then teaches them about wine...and then takes them on a helicopter tour of the coastline.....

Life sucks when you're 34 and the other girls are referring to you as a Cougar.  Bummer for Blakely.  Samantha is so upset the Blakely is attractive and sexual that she cries in a bathroom stall.  For some reason, Jaclyn and Jennifer, who are supposedly competing against Samantha for Ben's affection, are concerned that she's essentially removed herself from the contest.  That makes two bathroom cries in two episodes...let's see how long this streak lasts!

Date card time...."Courtney, let's spin the bottle!"  A very unsubtle reference to a wine themed date.  Of course Courtney goes low brow and says that she "thinks this means they're going to make out."  Erika confesses that she knows Courtney is trying to get under the other girls skin....and that it's WORKING!"  In most forms of battle, it's an advantage to know your opponent's strategy, so you can counter it.  Erika seems to be bucking conventional wisdom and instead trying to win by submitting to her opponents tactics. 

Ben and Jennifer have a conversation in a candle lined hot tub that is best summed up as "I wish we didn't have to have small talk before making out, but lest we look too much like horny 15 year olds, let's sit really close to each other reminisce about the things that happened less than one hour ago!" 

Jennifer is shocked that he's making out with someone else not more than five minutes after shoving his tongue down her throat!  To this I say "that's what you get for being a creepy peeper trying to spy on other people's one on one time!"  The accountant has trouble handling a social situation....shocking!

Blakely and her super annoying personality get the rose.  I'm convinced that either Ben gave her the rose because he knew it would piss off the other girls and wanted to see how they handled it, or ABC figured it out and made Ben do it...because Blakely is clearly about as deep as a parking lot puddle and not marriage material.  I'm a little disappointed that Monica and Blakely didn't continue their first night flirtations, because I thought that the bisexual storyline would've really drove some of the girls into hysterics.  Apparently Monica is a huge bummer when not completely trashed, because she's been nonexistent in this episode.  Somebody get that girl another Mojito!

Model Courtney gets to meet Scotch, the dog/son of Ben.  Ben says he wants to take Courtney on this date to show her Sonoma.  What he really wants to do is show her how his tongue feels on her tonsils.  Wait...I spoke too soon.  Ben wants to show her how he makes creepy howling noises while he squats over his dog's ass! In case you didn't get to see this hot mess - here's a picture I took with my iPod Touch:

Wow.  Just....Wow.

The bad date continues with Courtney talking about how hard it is to be a model because she's too beautiful to be asked out on dates....a problem that we can all relate to.  She also says Ben is a "good dad" because he puts a blanket on a shivering dog.  This reminds me of a Chris Rock skit about people taking credit for things they're supposed to do (warning:  very bad language in that link). 

Courtney says Ben has a "winning" personality.  I'm guessing his competition in this personality contest was a cardboard box and a bag of snap peas.  I'm not sure if Courtney is "all in" on Ben yet, but he's clearly smitten on this one.  She's going to be around for a long time, much to the chagrin of the other ladies I'm sure.  Ben says "I know you have trust issues, but I want you to trust me."  Not sure that was the most persuasive argument he could've made.  As soon as the date's over, Courtney goes from "Ben's so dreamy" to "I got the rose, bitches!"  thanks to some clever editing.  I wonder how often watching the season on TV causes tension between the couple...when they get to see all the crap they talked about the other contestants.  ABC probably works against themselves if their goal truly is to help this guy find a mate.  Good thing that's not really their goal.

Back at the house....Horse girl makes the most of her brief time with Ben.  She's growing on me.  She's does a good job of carrying the conversation without dominating it - a great quality. 

Samantha does not make the most of her time - saying that she's sorry she freaked out, because that's so not who she is.  The second someone says "that's not who I am," you know THAT'S EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE! Blakely of course butts in and sends the whole house into a frothy lather.  Now we transition into another Bachelor staple - girls getting pissed at a girl who already has a rose for interrupting a conversation, instead of doing the exact same thing to her, or - and I'm just throwing this out there - telling her it's NOT OK to interrupt and showing her two drink carrying butt the door.  Instead we'll just get madder and madder until we're more focused on tearing each other apart instead of impressing the guy we desperately want to validate our existence.  Courtney may be an narcissistic megalomaniac, but props to her for sitting back and watching the girls disrupt erupt.

Oh joy....Jenna's back, using the shovel that is her brain to try to dig herself out of the hole she put herself in last week.  Her verbal diarrhea is impressive.  I'm going to start a reality dating show where the contestants don't meet....they just chat online.  Jenna will be in my first cast, and I'll bet she wins.  Poor blogger misses her MacBook Pro.  It's like sending Thor into battle without his hammer. 

Blakely apparently forgot her own advice to "focus only on Ben" because she's now crying in a corner of the Samsonite museum.  It's almost like she built a fort out of suitcases.  All because a girl with a horsey face told her she has a horsey face or something like that.  Nurse Jamie gets her first screen time, and spends it telling Ben that she wants to know him better, but doesn't want to talk to him because the other girls might feel threatened or something like that.  Horrible.

Ben says he gets why the girls don't like Blakely, but then immediately contradicts himself and says he needs to talk to her to figure out what's going on.  She decides to stay in her suitcase fort.  Jenna meanwhile is hiding in a bed.  Ben is now playing the most tearful and annoying game of hide and seek ever.  I'd revoke Blakely's group date rose and email Jenna to hit the bricks. 

Jenna knows she's done, because she's doing the vomit face again during the rose ceremony.  She then has the best post eviction interview ever....taking all the blame off herself and placing it on the other women for "distracting" Ben.  Really?  The other girls didn't tell Ben that she "acted like a man" she did that all on her own.  Apparently she thought it would be better to be humiliated by others than by her own actions on national TV.  Unfortunately, she's the only one who believes that.  This is like the time when I was a little kid and I had to pee with no hope of making it to a restroom and pretended that I tripped, peed myself, and then got up and pretended I had fallen in the world's most inconvenient puddle.  Keep in mind this was a sunny day.  Point is, nobody would ever buy that story, but in my mind this was my best option of getting out of my current humiliation.  I feel for you Jenna, I really do.

New Season, Same Bachelor

I gotta hand it to The Bachelor....they stick with what works.  You know what you're going to get.  You know you're going to get a reference to dead relatives (Ben in the first two minutes references the father who died over five years ago), you know you're going to get a girl with a tragic story, and you know there's going to be some "shocking twist" that ends up not being shocking because ABC will tease it going into every commercial break and in every ad during the week leading up to the episode (This season it's the grandma on crutches.)  Let's get started.

The first batch of girls we meet include Analogy Girl (she says that she's rode horses her whole life, so she's learned to "get back in the saddle."  Well that should hep her in dating), Country Chick (She shoots guns and eats fried cow testicles with her dad!), and Kacie wants a relationship like that of her dead grandparents.  I can't give her a nickname because there's nothing significant about her.

Next, we get Nurse Jamie, who is super cute.  Naturally, she never had a dad, her mom had "dependency issues," (which to me means she's like Kim Basinger in 8 Mile) and had to adopt her siblings.  I see lots of tears from her and a great many references to her home life.  Nurse Jamie is now TSE - this season's Emily.  There's also a bitchy model who thinks she's hotter than everyone and deserves a 2 carat ring.  So basically she acts exactly as you'd expect a model to act.  Good for her. 

The British Girl destroyed my belief that accents make you more attractive.  Turns out that wacky is annoying in any dialect.  We also get the Single Mommy who lives in a super nice place.  I guess that financial planning gig is going alright for her.  Seems pretty well adjusted.  Surprised that she didn't mention the dad at all.  Either there's no story there, or it's so juicy that it'll come out later in the season on a one-on-one date and America will give out a collective "that poor girl!"  My votes on that one.  No way do we not hear about the horrible ex that skipped out on his child.

Speaking of exes....our first confirmed Divorcee!  She's shocked that the passion wasn't the same in her relationship four years after becoming newlyweds.  Everyone person who's been married for four years just said "yeah, and?"  This is the kind of girl that might fall hard and fast for Ben because he flies her around in helicopters and takes her on romantic dates in exotic locations.  If she gets picked at the end though, no way does their relationship even make it to the final rose.  She screams "high maintenance."

Ben does his little sit-down with Chris Harrison and references Dead Dad for the second time in twenty minutes.  This sit-down is also called the "shit just got real" talk.  Because the cameras following him around for the past few weeks while he sails a sailboat that was probably rented but we're supposed to think he owns it to make him seem more Bacheloriffic wasn't a clear enough sign that you were on the Bachelor.  The worst part of this is that I just realized that Ashley saying no to him will be brought up roughly 7 billion times this season, meaning Ashley is going to ruin a third consecutive season of the bachelor/ette with her annoyingness.  Kill me now.

Bring on the ladies!  First out is Rachel...bonus points for the name and running up to Ben.  Good first impression.

Erika follows with a lame "you're guilty of being sexy" line, but saves it with finger guns.  Everything's better with finger guns.

Amber Bacon says that her friends call her the Baconator and then offers Ben "a taste."  But wait, she's the Canadian Baconator.  She clearly thinks the way to Ben's heart is through his stomach.  I like her, but have no clue why. 

Elyse on the other hand, thinks the way to Ben's heart is through zipper on his Dockers.  She says she'll "make him sweat a little" later on in the evening.  I like the contrasting tactics of the Baconator and this girl.  Maybe we can settle the age old question of how to get to the heart the quickest tonight!

Blogger Jenna just butchered her first impression.  That enforces my theory that some people can express themselves through the internet better than in person.  So yeah, I see a little of myself in her.  She should've just emailed him.

Model girl gives Ben the smolder.  He loves it.  Through the pants 2, through the stomach 1.

Giving someone hand sanitizer and then implying that the other girls are whores and he better wash his hands before talking to her is not a good first impression.  Emily saves it by going in for the kiss.  She's confident.  She'll stay around for a while.

Pageant Queen humblebrags her way through her first impression.  She "has no idea how she won" but has not problem wearing her sash.  The other girls were hate the hell out of her.

Casey's dress is awful.  She says nothing and apparently wants to let her legs do the talking.  Blah blah.

Country girl tries a lame "look at me a second time" schtick.  Better than mentioning Cow Balls.

Kentucky Girl's violates the first impression rule that the most memorable thing should be you, not your hook.  The hat clearly dominates the first impression, and if she ever takes it off, he won't remember who she is.  I predict she's gone tonight.

This season's Emily says nothing, but doesn't really have to.  By far the cutest girl that I've seen so far.

Shira says she knows everything about wine, then says "just kidding" when he grills her.  Oof.  She's done.

Blakely seems shocked that another woman could be from her general area of the country.  Claims she's "the only Southerner."  She should be fun.

Granny in a boot!  Ah, she's introducing her granddaughter.  Interesting tactic.  Other girls will hate Britney.  How come they didn't to bring their grandmas??  That bitch had a better idea than me!  Baconator leads the charge of hating on other people's hook.  She's clearly thinking she's already losing.  Mix that belief with some alcohol, and we've got a recipe for some drama later tonight!

Accountant uses numbers.....I was bored by the time she got to her second statistic.  God accounting is boring.

Accent girl is brutal.  Please send her home now.

Anna either thinks she's so hot that she will make it on to the next round, or she knows her personality will torpedo her.  I'm hoping for #2. 

Monica, my preseason favorite, goes for the "I miss my dog" tactic.  If this leads to Ben making his awful dog voice noises, she's going to lose her status.  Judging from Ben's reaction, she's not his preseason favorite.

Jaclyn goes for the double hug, and Single Mommy is wearing a very un-single mommy dress.  Hope her son isn't allowed to watch. 

And horse girl immediately makes everyone forget about granny, pageant queen and big hat.  She's clearly the most hated.  Gang's all here, bring on the drinks and behind the back shit talking!

Nikki says at least 40 words before saying Ben leaves her "speechless."  Nikki continues her verbal assault on Ben's cuteness by saying he's "beyond words."  She's trouble.  Of course Ben says he loves her energy which will make her more insane.  Nice job getting in his ear, ABC. 

Love that Granny doesn't sugar coat it for Brit, saying she's "definitely got competition."  She's hit that age where the filter is gone.  Too bad Ben has a better connection with Grandma than Brit.  At least we won't have to go through the awkward rose ceremony where he has to dump her in front of her granny.

Blakely has a tattoo that is vaguely reminiscent of Casey's "guard and protect" tat.  Extra negative points for the tat having the generic "love is patient, love is kind." on there.  In contrast to that blandness, Germ Girl is rapping.  Sadly, she has to read it off a napkin.  She'd get my first impression rose if she'd memorized this.

What is shocking to me is that so many of these girls talk about how they watched his season, or are fans of the show, and yet they make the SAME MISTAKES the girls of previous seasons make.  Courtney is making a strong play for this season's Michelle Money.  All she's missing is mentioning fireworks! 

Cat Fight!  Blogger Jenna picks a fight with my favorite Monica accusing her of the dreaded "not being here for the right reasons."  Blogger then says that "she's real."  Monica dismisses her, but in a twist I didn't see coming, is a lesbian and starts hitting on Blakely, the only Southerner alive.  I'm not sure what Monica sees in Blakely, other than the fact that she's got a huge rack.  It's entirely possible that Monica is a post-op transsexual.  And she was my preseason favorite!  Monica is like that team you have in your final four bracket every year that gets bounced by a 13 seed in the first round.  She's my Kansas Jayhawks.

Blogger Jenna again proves that bloggers have no social skills by completely hyperventilating.  She's also trashed.  I hope she disables comments on her blog, because she's not the kind of person that handles conflict well.  Jenna and Monica have the worst conversation in the world, that ends with Jenna saying something about sharing a tampon.  Is that what Jenna thinks lesbians do?  I don't know much about lesbians, but I'm sure that doesn't happen.  Blogger is losing it FAST.  The internet clearly ruined this girl.  Ben tries to calm her down, but Blogger starts a long run on sentence filled with crazy analogies.  She also looks like she might vomit at any second.  She doesn't want Ben to think she's a mess...probably because she is. 

Horse girl gets the rose....Ben says it's not about the horse, and that's probably true.  The girls will believe nothing other than it was about the horse.  Horse girl is public enemy #1 for the night.  My guess is that Bitchy Model and Lesbian Monica (if she sticks around) take the crown before too long.  FWIW, Nurse Jaimee would've got my first impression, although the tragic background will do her in before too long.

We get an ad for Work It.  Guys dressed as women!  The economy is THAT bad.  I'm guess so is the show.  No way that makes it six episodes.

Rose ceremony time!  Jenna composes herself in time to make the start of the Rose Ceremony all about her.  Apparently she summoned the strength to go out there from her own advice in the blog.  She's might think the lesbian is here for the wrong reasons, but my guess is she's here for blog hits. 

Blakely's boobs got a rose.  Good for them.  I can't figure out anything else even remotely redeeming about her.  Lesbian Monica is happy for them her too. Casey's legs also get a rose.  So do Finger Guns, Single Mommy and Divorcee.  Lesbian's in!!!!  Once Blakely got the nod, you knew she would be in.  ABC had to mandate that one.  Blogger gets the last rose, in another ABC pick.  Baconator gets the heave ho, proving definitively that the fastest way to man's heart is through his penis, not his stomach.  I would've kept her around.  She goes way over the top in her compliments of Ben on her way out, and then erases everything she said by blasting his choice in women.  Classic "he doesn't want me, because he's shallow" defense.  Then we get a montage of women wondering what the hell is wrong with them.  Hopefully the first of many.  I was right on most of my predictions of who would stay (Emily, Monica) and who would go (Big Hat, Girl who knows nothing about wine.)  I'd have kept Baconator in Bloggers place, but ABC blocked that move.  Tough luck for Ben.....great for viewing America!