The first batch of girls we meet include Analogy Girl (she says that she's rode horses her whole life, so she's learned to "get back in the saddle." Well that should hep her in dating), Country Chick (She shoots guns and eats fried cow testicles with her dad!), and Kacie wants a relationship like that of her dead grandparents. I can't give her a nickname because there's nothing significant about her.
Next, we get Nurse Jamie, who is super cute. Naturally, she never had a dad, her mom had "dependency issues," (which to me means she's like Kim Basinger in 8 Mile) and had to adopt her siblings. I see lots of tears from her and a great many references to her home life. Nurse Jamie is now TSE - this season's Emily. There's also a bitchy model who thinks she's hotter than everyone and deserves a 2 carat ring. So basically she acts exactly as you'd expect a model to act. Good for her.
The British Girl destroyed my belief that accents make you more attractive. Turns out that wacky is annoying in any dialect. We also get the Single Mommy who lives in a super nice place. I guess that financial planning gig is going alright for her. Seems pretty well adjusted. Surprised that she didn't mention the dad at all. Either there's no story there, or it's so juicy that it'll come out later in the season on a one-on-one date and America will give out a collective "that poor girl!" My votes on that one. No way do we not hear about the horrible ex that skipped out on his child.
Speaking of exes....our first confirmed Divorcee! She's shocked that the passion wasn't the same in her relationship four years after becoming newlyweds. Everyone person who's been married for four years just said "yeah, and?" This is the kind of girl that might fall hard and fast for Ben because he flies her around in helicopters and takes her on romantic dates in exotic locations. If she gets picked at the end though, no way does their relationship even make it to the final rose. She screams "high maintenance."
Ben does his little sit-down with Chris Harrison and references Dead Dad for the second time in twenty minutes. This sit-down is also called the "shit just got real" talk. Because the cameras following him around for the past few weeks while he sails a sailboat that was probably rented but we're supposed to think he owns it to make him seem more Bacheloriffic wasn't a clear enough sign that you were on the Bachelor. The worst part of this is that I just realized that Ashley saying no to him will be brought up roughly 7 billion times this season, meaning Ashley is going to ruin a third consecutive season of the bachelor/ette with her annoyingness. Kill me now.
Bring on the ladies! First out is Rachel...bonus points for the name and running up to Ben. Good first impression.
Erika follows with a lame "you're guilty of being sexy" line, but saves it with finger guns. Everything's better with finger guns.
Amber Bacon says that her friends call her the Baconator and then offers Ben "a taste." But wait, she's the Canadian Baconator. She clearly thinks the way to Ben's heart is through his stomach. I like her, but have no clue why.
Elyse on the other hand, thinks the way to Ben's heart is through zipper on his Dockers. She says she'll "make him sweat a little" later on in the evening. I like the contrasting tactics of the Baconator and this girl. Maybe we can settle the age old question of how to get to the heart the quickest tonight!
Blogger Jenna just butchered her first impression. That enforces my theory that some people can express themselves through the internet better than in person. So yeah, I see a little of myself in her. She should've just emailed him.
Model girl gives Ben the smolder. He loves it. Through the pants 2, through the stomach 1.
Giving someone hand sanitizer and then implying that the other girls are whores and he better wash his hands before talking to her is not a good first impression. Emily saves it by going in for the kiss. She's confident. She'll stay around for a while.
Pageant Queen humblebrags her way through her first impression. She "has no idea how she won" but has not problem wearing her sash. The other girls were hate the hell out of her.
Casey's dress is awful. She says nothing and apparently wants to let her legs do the talking. Blah blah.
Country girl tries a lame "look at me a second time" schtick. Better than mentioning Cow Balls.
Kentucky Girl's violates the first impression rule that the most memorable thing should be you, not your hook. The hat clearly dominates the first impression, and if she ever takes it off, he won't remember who she is. I predict she's gone tonight.
This season's Emily says nothing, but doesn't really have to. By far the cutest girl that I've seen so far.
Shira says she knows everything about wine, then says "just kidding" when he grills her. Oof. She's done.
Blakely seems shocked that another woman could be from her general area of the country. Claims she's "the only Southerner." She should be fun.
Granny in a boot! Ah, she's introducing her granddaughter. Interesting tactic. Other girls will hate Britney. How come they didn't to bring their grandmas?? That bitch had a better idea than me! Baconator leads the charge of hating on other people's hook. She's clearly thinking she's already losing. Mix that belief with some alcohol, and we've got a recipe for some drama later tonight!
Accountant uses numbers.....I was bored by the time she got to her second statistic. God accounting is boring.
Accent girl is brutal. Please send her home now.
Anna either thinks she's so hot that she will make it on to the next round, or she knows her personality will torpedo her. I'm hoping for #2.
Monica, my preseason favorite, goes for the "I miss my dog" tactic. If this leads to Ben making his awful dog voice noises, she's going to lose her status. Judging from Ben's reaction, she's not his preseason favorite.
Jaclyn goes for the double hug, and Single Mommy is wearing a very un-single mommy dress. Hope her son isn't allowed to watch.
And horse girl immediately makes everyone forget about granny, pageant queen and big hat. She's clearly the most hated. Gang's all here, bring on the drinks and behind the back shit talking!
Nikki says at least 40 words before saying Ben leaves her "speechless." Nikki continues her verbal assault on Ben's cuteness by saying he's "beyond words." She's trouble. Of course Ben says he loves her energy which will make her more insane. Nice job getting in his ear, ABC.
Love that Granny doesn't sugar coat it for Brit, saying she's "definitely got competition." She's hit that age where the filter is gone. Too bad Ben has a better connection with Grandma than Brit. At least we won't have to go through the awkward rose ceremony where he has to dump her in front of her granny.
Blakely has a tattoo that is vaguely reminiscent of Casey's "guard and protect" tat. Extra negative points for the tat having the generic "love is patient, love is kind." on there. In contrast to that blandness, Germ Girl is rapping. Sadly, she has to read it off a napkin. She'd get my first impression rose if she'd memorized this.
What is shocking to me is that so many of these girls talk about how they watched his season, or are fans of the show, and yet they make the SAME MISTAKES the girls of previous seasons make. Courtney is making a strong play for this season's Michelle Money. All she's missing is mentioning fireworks!
Cat Fight! Blogger Jenna picks a fight with my favorite Monica accusing her of the dreaded "not being here for the right reasons." Blogger then says that "she's real." Monica dismisses her, but in a twist I didn't see coming, is a lesbian and starts hitting on Blakely, the only Southerner alive. I'm not sure what Monica sees in Blakely, other than the fact that she's got a huge rack. It's entirely possible that Monica is a post-op transsexual. And she was my preseason favorite! Monica is like that team you have in your final four bracket every year that gets bounced by a 13 seed in the first round. She's my Kansas Jayhawks.
Blogger Jenna again proves that bloggers have no social skills by completely hyperventilating. She's also trashed. I hope she disables comments on her blog, because she's not the kind of person that handles conflict well. Jenna and Monica have the worst conversation in the world, that ends with Jenna saying something about sharing a tampon. Is that what Jenna thinks lesbians do? I don't know much about lesbians, but I'm sure that doesn't happen. Blogger is losing it FAST. The internet clearly ruined this girl. Ben tries to calm her down, but Blogger starts a long run on sentence filled with crazy analogies. She also looks like she might vomit at any second. She doesn't want Ben to think she's a mess...probably because she is.
Horse girl gets the rose....Ben says it's not about the horse, and that's probably true. The girls will believe nothing other than it was about the horse. Horse girl is public enemy #1 for the night. My guess is that Bitchy Model and Lesbian Monica (if she sticks around) take the crown before too long. FWIW, Nurse Jaimee would've got my first impression, although the tragic background will do her in before too long.
We get an ad for Work It. Guys dressed as women! The economy is THAT bad. I'm guess so is the show. No way that makes it six episodes.
Rose ceremony time! Jenna composes herself in time to make the start of the Rose Ceremony all about her. Apparently she summoned the strength to go out there from her own advice in the blog. She's might think the lesbian is here for the wrong reasons, but my guess is she's here for blog hits.
Blakely's boobs got a rose. Good for them. I can't figure out anything else even remotely redeeming about her. Lesbian Monica is happy for
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