Week 3 of the Bachelor kicks off with a little teaser showing a girl we'll call Sexy Ankles showing up mysteriously. The girls hate this, because of course they're assuming there are rules when you go on a reality show. Silly girls, the only rule is that ABC hates you and will do anything in their power to make you cry and potentially damage you permanently.
Also, I discovered Fantasy Bachelor last week. For the record, my team this week consists of Lindzi, Courtney and Jamie....Lindzi and Jamie because I thought they had good chances to be picked for one-on-ones, and Courtney because there's no way in hell she's getting cut. FYI, my pick to be cut is Jaclyn, AKA "The Pot" because she said Blakely (AKA "The Kettle") had a horse face last week.
San Francisco...Ben's hometown! Wait, wasn't Sonoma his hometown last week? I'm so confused. The girls are of course already over analyzing it, saying that he's going to pick people for dates he could see fitting into his life there. I think he picks the girls he's got the best chance to do some heavy petting with, but that's just me.
Ben says the best thing about SF is that his sister lives there. This is not good for any future girlfriend/fiancee. I'm wary of guys who consult their sisters about potential dates. The sister is like a surrogate mom/wife. She fills both roles for the single brother. It's like a double dose of judgement for the girls. Yikes. I also love his sister's mock shock at the "Lindzi rode in on a horse" story. Why is this so shocking? I'm not sure anything would shock me if my friend was on a reality show. Now if you're just going on a date with the girl in apartment 4B and she shows up for your first date on a horse, NOW we've got a story!
Emily gets the first one-on-one....Fantasy bachelor team takes a hit. At least she's got a personality, so maybe the date will be entertaining. Courtney of course gets her required insult in, saying that Emily may be smarter, but she's book smart, and that's boring. This is model speak for "I'm way dumber than she is, but I'm a slut, so, advantage me!"
Emily runs to Ben on their date. She probably shouldn't have though....because Ben drops the "We're climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge!" date on her. This is a double whammy for Emily: 1.) she's afraid of heights, and 2.) who wants to climb to the top of the Bay Bridge. I mean, if you have to do something potentially fatal on your first date, why not do it on the pretty bridge that's world famous on the other side of the bay? The only two things the Bay Bridge is famous for is collapsing during an earthquake, and ruining people's commutes home. Ben makes our first big stretch in comparing relationships to ridiculous Bachelor date activities. "Overcoming fears can only make relationships stronger. If we can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there's no telling how far we can take this relationship." He's right about that, since the two things aren't even remotely related.
Emily stops halfway up, claiming she's having a panic attack. That was the calmest panic attack ever. I've never seen anyone smile during a panic attack. Also, she paused so that the girls back in the hotel can see her through a telescope. Jennifer conveniently is looking through a convenient telescope in a convenient hotel with a convenient view of the bridge. What a coincidence. Ben, in an attempt to keep Emily from panicking, decides to make her contort her body into an off balance pose to kiss him. Ben's kisses are to Emily what spinach is to Popeye, and she scales the second half of the "crazy contraption" as she calls it in less time than it took her to do the first half. Emily makes the obligatory "scary situations are good metaphors for relationships" comment, following up with the even better story about bridges bringing "two separate things together, just like Ben and me!" Somebody kill me.
Dinner time! Ben reinforces for the 90th time that the bridge was the scariest thing either of them have ever done....but then follows it up by talking about proposing to a girl who said no on national television. Personally, I'd rather climb five bridges than have to propose to someone on national TV when I knew there was a 50% chance she'd say no. Ben goes on to say that he was in love with Ashley and it was fun while it lasted. That really doesn't sound like someone who was in love to me, but whatever. Maybe he's just bitter...I'll give him a pass on that one. Emily lets him know she's an online dater.....and that a website matched her with her older brother. Oh the horror! It's not hard to imagine this happening...say the family had a beach house growing up, and both of them put down that their favorite place to go in the world was the beach. They're also probably the same religion and perhaps share the same political views from growing up in the same household. Emily asks about his former relationships (foreshadowing for the mysterious ex showing up later?) and then says that her two biggest fears are heights and rejection. I'm guessing she probably shouldn't have gone on The Bachelor then. This date is getting pretty serious pretty fast - they're talking a lot about emotions and family and fears and expectations. In any other situation, both of them would be running for the door. Ben gives her the rose, but not before another heartfelt story about his dad. Emily says the whole date was perfect, and that she can't imagine anything topping it. This of course means fireworks. Emily compares the fireworks to Ben's kissing, and then we get the conquering fears = long term happiness song and dance for the four hundredth time in the last 5 minutes.
Group Date! The date card referenced crossing something off their "Leap List." I've never heard this term, and apparently neither has anyone else, because it wasn't defined on urbandictionary.com. A google search of "Leap Lists" returns a few links to Honda's new marketing promotion and a list of Leap Years. So yeah, I'd say it's not all that common of a term. Also, I'm not sure anyone had "ski on fake snow in San Francisco on their Leap List." I think that's on mine right behind "Have a chalupa in the Oval Office."
More girls running to meet Ben in skimpy dresses! Oh look, they're driving Honda's! Synergy people! Honda's let you put a digital wallpaper on the dashboard - because what cars need are more things to draw your eyes away from the road. I'm confused as to why only two girls had to carry ski's up the hill - did they volunteer to show Ben they weren't girly girls, or did they draw the short straw? Why not make all the girls carry them to thin out the herd? Fortunately, all the girls wore bikinis and were giving matching tube socks and stocking caps!
Bad skiing montage!
Worst quote ever goes to Ben: "Butt skiing backwards is on my leap list!"
Lindzi's starting to get jittery about getting the first impression rose and not going on a date yet. Lindzi thinks she's being overlooked, which is insane, because if I picked a girl based on a first impression, I'm not going to dismiss her without giving her a chance to make good on that first impression. Can you imagine going to the rose ceremony and saying "your first impression was great, but then these other girls licked my tonsils, so I gotta pick them...sorry!" Classic over analysis. Meanwhile, Brittney gets the second one-on-one, and Lindzi and Courtney didn't go on the group date, so I am a huge failure at Fantasy Bachelor. Brittney is not stoked to go on the date with Ben apparently, as she expresses reservations. Probably thinking about what her grandma will think of the way she represents herself. She's seen the way the other girls are acting, and probably thinks she needs to out-whore them to win, and that's just not what grandma Cheryl would want!
Back on the group date...ski time's over already? Think about how much money they spent on that for about three minutes of footage! Ben takes the girls to a bar, shots are flowing and Ben says "I don't think there's going to be any drama tonight!" Ben is an idiot. He brought Blakely, right? Rachel says she sees a different side of Ben tonight, which is funny, because he seems exactly the same as the first time we saw him on the Bachelorette last year. This guy is definitely not an onion - there's no layers to him. Rachel gets a kiss, which of course is in plain view of the other girls. They seem bitter. Kacie (smartly) kidnaps Ben and takes him on a walk, which will drive the other girls insane. Nice move on her part.
Brittney just bailed on the date! Says it's hard not knowing where she could've gone with Ben. How do you not go on the date just to see what it's like with him? She's interrupting the group date to say she's leaving! Ah Ben, so much for your drama-less night. Ben doesn't seem upset. He actually gives a shrug and then says "say hi to Grandma" on her way out. I'm pretty sure Ben is drunk. Rachel gets the rose. By Bachelor standards, that was an extremely un-dramatic group date. These people are boring. Apparently the producers noticed that too, because we're sent to commercial with the teaser that they're bringing in Sexy Ankles!
Points for my fantasy team! Lindzi gets the sloppy seconds on the one-on-one! The bitterness she displayed about not getting a date before is completely gone, so apparently she wasn't too upset about it. Ben and Lindzi take a cable car on wheels, which seems like it's cheating to me. It's like catching a fish in a trout farm - sure you're fishing, but you're not really fishing.
The date takes a "night at the museum" vibe as they take their flashlights into an abandoned building where some guy with goofy hair is at the top of a marble staircase singing with his guitar. Lindzi tells us that it's Matt Nathanson, which, given the way she's portrayed herself as a down home country girl, I have to believe that she really had no clue who the hell he was. I know I had no clue who the dude was. She also says that she usually doesn't "kiss boys" on first dates, but I'm guessing she also doesn't usually have private concerts from recording artists on first dates either. Ben then takes her to a bar, but he calls it a "speakeasy." This confirms it for me: Ben is either a time traveler or a douche.
....Sadly, my blog didn't save and I lost the rest of my post before I got to publish it. I don't have it in me to recreate it, so here's the highlights that I can remember.
*Ben took Courtney to a balcony that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe. He took a girl he's supposedly considering for marriage to a spot that a politician banged a movie star behind his wife's back. Classy. Courtney didn't care because she probably doesn't know who JFK was.
*Shawntel's back! She was shown driving a car, probably a Honda, but ABC missed a chance to give her a car with the digital wallpaper that could've had Ben's picture on it. She could've talked about it giving her the motivation to go in there and piss off all the other girls. Honda should be pissed too. I need a job as a producer on this show.
*Speaking of Shawntel, she got a few new nicknames: Courtney calls her "What's her Butt" and Jaclyn "The Pot" calls her "Brad's Dumpster Trash." I'm officially changing her nickname from "The Pot" to "Ben's Dumpster Trash," and yes I did this before she got eliminated.
*Speaking of her elimination, it let to our third consecutive week of locked door bathroom crying! The streak is alive!
*My fantasy stats: Courtney and Lindzi got kisses, Lindzi got a one on one, Courtney, Lindzi, and Jamie all got roses, and Jaclyn got the boot. Turned out to be a pretty good night.
*Shawntel also got the boot, after only 45 minutes of airtime. Nice tease, ABC. This was almost as big of a letdown as the tsunami episode of Hawaii Five-0, where they hyped it for weeks only for us to find out it was a false alarm in the first ten minutes of the show. I'm also convinced that Ben whispered in Shawntel's ear as she walked out "Hey, after the show's over and I'm engaged to one of these psychos, I know a balcony that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe that we should meet up at."
Alright that's it. Sorry for the computer error on my part, but think of it this way...I probably just saved you fifteen minutes of your day! Use that time to get a car insurance quote with GEICO.
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