There's times when I think Walmart is the worst thing ever. Then there's times when you find a fantastic deal and think "Walmart is the best thing ever!" This weekend I experienced both at the same time.


Rachel and I were in the market for a new grill. We've been using a Coleman "Road-Trip" portable grill for the past 4 years as our main BBQ machine. It worked great when we lived in an apartment and didn't have a lot of space, but now that we have a house with a backyard, we felt it was time for an upgrade to a stainless steel behemoth that cook a entire cow at once. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.

After browsing through a few stores up in Salem, we came to Wal-Mart. They had a grill that looked great, had a side burner, and 50 inches of cooking surface. I think they do grill size the same way they do TV sizes, so that gives you an idea of what we're dealing with here. Best part? It's only $200! Had I been by myself I would've bought it on the spot and headed home to set it up. However, I was with Rachel, and she's nothing if she's not a patient shopper. So we file the grill under "potential purchase" and decided to get some lunch and see a movie while we think about if we want to buy it or not. When we decided that this was the grill we wanted, we headed to the other Wal-Mart in Salem (more on our way home) to make our grilling purchase. While there, we also bought a propane tank, a grill cleaning tool and an OSU grill cover. Total price: $250! I'm think we're getting away with robbery here.

Then we get home and find out that the grill is dented to hell. Looks like an elephant sat right on it. So we load it back in the box and head to Lebanon (closest Walmart to our house) to return it. There we are told that we can't return the grill because we didn't purchase it there. Upon asking for a second opinion on the matter at customer service, we're told that it won't be a problem. Good to see everyone's on the same page. So we think we're fine, until we encounter an unforseen problem. Lebanon Walmart doesn't have the same grill. So it's back on up to Salem.

This time we pull up to unload the grill and this total stoner dude is working. He says he's going to get a cart, and I think he means one of those flatbed carts that they use at Costco all the time. Oh no. This guy comes back with something that looks like one of those crates you got your milk carton from in the cafeteria on wheels. I swear this thing was like 1/4th the size of the grill. He pulls it up behind my car and proceeds to help me lift the grill out of the back of the car. However, he forgot that things on wheels roll on hills, and our milk-crate goes rolling away. I track it down, and the guy has to call the Wal-Mart greeter over to help us. Larry was his name. Larry's one of those over-helpful fellas that loves his job because he can talk to people, but hates his job because he feels he should be fighting the Nazi's in a foxhole or something. I liked Larry actually.

Anyways, Stoner asks Larry to hold the cart. But Larry being Larry, he doesn't want to hold the cart. No.....Larry wants to lift the grill out of the back of the car. This is the most action Larry's seen since Vietnam, and he's not about to let it pass him by. So I end up holding the milk-crate. Larry's ambition was quite a bit larger than his logic however, and he tries to hold the box by the top as they lift it out of the car. The box rips, and the grill slams about 3 feet to the ground. Stoner is delighted at this, and starts doing the stoner giggle. Larry is pissed at himself. I'm pissed that this is taking so long. That's when I realize Rachel went to customer service like 10 minutes ago to get an exchange receipt and still isn't back. No clue what happened to her. We'll get back to that later.

So we finally wheel the grill back in on the little milkwagon and I head over to pick out a new, undented grill. Stoner McBurnout is right behind me with the milkwagon. Once I find a grill I look at him, and he's got this puzzled look on his face. "Dude, I don't think we have any more carts." He's seriously perplexed by this situation. I calmly say "Well, how about we take the faulty grill off the cart we have right here, and put the new one on it, and then we can put the old one back on the cart when we're finished?" He says "Oh, I guess that'll work. Either that, or we can put the grill on top of a regular shopping cart. Would that work for you?" Seriously. I was amazed. So I say "At this point, I'll use whatever will get this grill into the back of that car without denting it." So he goes and gets a shopping cart. We balance the grill on top of the cart, and he says "you think it'll stay all the way to the car?" I say "It better." He says "I'm going to let you do this then." The guy did not have the confidence in himself to wheel a shopping cart 100 ft to a car without causing damage to anything, be it cart, human, car or grill. So I wheel this out to my car. When I get out there, Stoner is nowhere to be found. Larry notices this and sees a chance at redemption. So Larry and I get the grill in the back of the car and everything's kosher. Larry feels competent again and I have an undamaged grill.

But where's my wife?

She's still at Customer Service, waiting for the girl to get off the phone. Apparently they don't handle many returned grills, because the entire Walmart organization seemed confused by the situation. Customer Service Girl is trying to tell Rachel that she needs to bring the grill to customer service so they can verify that it is faulty. Rachel says "why don't you just call down to the Garden Center and confirm that we returned a faulty grill?" What a novel idea? After a few more non-problems that had to be sorted out, we finally got out of there.

I love Walmart, but I hate Walmart.