Happy Memorial Day, America! Please take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives so that we could have a TV show where a woman dates 30 men at the same time, kisses about half of them, sleeps with three to five, and then gets engaged to one before dumping him and dating six more guys in Mexico next summer. God bless you all.
Rachel's gimpy dog is a good metaphor for the guys on this show: They're good looking, happy, and will follow Rachel anywhere, but there's just something not quite right about them.
The first group date involves a cookout with drinks in fancy copper cups. Whaboom Lucas is wearing some sunglasses that look like he got them for twenty skee-ball tickets at Bullwinkles. He continues to be as annoying as possible.
Oh look, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here! Apparently Ashton's Netflix show isn't doing well, and Bad Mom's 2 isn't getting off the ground. The guys are freaking out about changing a diaper like they're disarming an IED in Kandahar. "Anything for Rachel!" Iggy gushes. Changing your hypothetical wife's fake baby's diaper is not exactly what Meatloaf had in mind when he said that he would do "anything for love." At least I don't think so.
Rachel says she's looking for a guy that can handle everyday things that may come up in their life. These everyday things include two mega-celebrities putting them through an obstacle course involving changing the diaper on a doll, unclogging two different drains, vacuuming while wearing a baby on your chest, and setting the dinner table and making sure "it matches." I have no idea it means to match a dinner table, Ashton Kutcher.
Furthermore, this whole obstacle course thing is bullshit. NO WIFE WANTS A HUSBAND THAT CUTS CORNERS AND DOES CHORES THE FASTEST. If you do one little thing wrong or out of order, you're just creating more work for your wife. You all fail.
Also, there is far too much baby-spiking going on. Dolls are hitting the ground left and right. That's not funny. Nobody thinks it's funny to harm a fake baby. It's like throwing darts at a picture of the Pope - you just don't do it.
Lucas gets his one-on-one time first, and he really tones down the whaboominess. He even reads her a terrible poem that includes the word "entile." Blake has had enough of Lucas, and of course he's had an "encounter" with Lucas before. I'm wondering if that had to do with Blake losing a girl to Lucas because he's a stick in the mud, and Lucas is entertaining.
Turns out, Blake lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure that telling Rachel this was Blake's best strategy. If she's looking for husband material, a dude who is roommates with another girl is probably not the best candidate. I want to make a joke about this girl being Whaboomed, but I can't form anything coherent. And don't you think little interviews with ex-girlfriends of the contestants would be a gold mine? I'd love it if a guy was talking to Rachel and said "I really love giving massages" followed immediately by a smash-cut to his ex-girlfriend saying "that guy NEVER gave me a massage. He would rub my back for five seconds and then kiss me on the head and roll over and go to sleep."
Peter's date involves a private jet to Palm Springs for a dog party. A PARTY FOR DOGS. Rachel refers to her dog Copper as her "dog child." I'm respectful of people who love their pets. I get it. Dogs are awesome. I just don't get it when you treat a dog like a person. Throwing a birthday party for a dog....I'm ok with that. Any excuse to have other people over for a BBQ or a party is fine with me, but when you invite other dogs and put hats on them and sing happy birthday and bake your dog a cake...that's too much. That's the kind of people I felt were at "Barkfest." There's a pool for dogs. There's a photobooth - for dogs. Rachel leaves her "dog child" unattended in a swimming pool while she schmoozes with Pete....not very motherly. Also, the dog's cast has sequins, and I hate everything now.
Having a gap in your teeth adds character? At first I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but taking a step back, as someone with premature gray hair that never thought about dyeing it because it wouldn't be me, I can kinda get on board with this. These gap-toothed people have their heads on straight. Pete's my new front-runner.
Kareem Abdul Jabaar is here for the group date! This is a man who was named a cultural ambassador for the United States! This show can truly make anyone act like an idiot. You'll be surprised to learn that most of these guys are terrible at basketball. The only guy who has even a little bit of game is DeMario, and his team lost. This is a bad sign for him. When you're the best player out there and you can't pull your team to a win in a game against other chumps....this does not speak well to your character.
Speaking of game, however, it turns out DeMario had a girlfriend right up until he went on the Bachelorette! Hilarity ensues when DeMario sees his ex and immediately recognizes her and says "ohhhh who is this?" He's not fooling anyone. He then tries to downplay the relationship, but his ex is having none of it. She's ready to swear "on her father's grave" that DeMario never dumped her. The most important thing to DeMario is not Rachel right now. It's his image.
Then we get Rachel telling us how she's "keeping it 100" and this isn't a game for her. The guys, rather than being thrilled that a guy who looked like a front runner twenty minutes ago just sabotaged himself, instead are acting like they're pissed off DeMario lied to them. I don't get how this makes sense, but ok. Rachel talks about how she needs to look past the charm and see what these guys true character is, then gives Josiah the rose after he gives like the schmooziest charmy smarm speech about how much it hurts him to see her hurting. It hurts me to see you act like this, Rachel.
DeMario's back! He's hanging out in the street begging for another chance, but it's still about restoring his character. You've gotta admire the lengths he's willing to go to try to come off looking good in this situation. It's also pretty cute that the guys don't think security and Rachel can handle DeMario without their assistance.
TO BE CONTINUED
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