Bachelor 2019, Hometowns: Asking Permission

Hometowns are typically my least favorite episode, because it's always just the same 25 minute date four times in a row. They do some activity that is usually not exciting (my town has horse drawn carriages! Here's my high school! I used to get in so much trouble in this park!) and then the families get their moment of fame.

I'll be honest, I barely paid attention. I know Cassie's dad went with the "Nothing you do or say will impress me" bit, and Hannah had the old dad, and Tayshia's dad was the "lemme be real with you" dad, and Caelynn had the dad who isn't really her dad and knows what it means to earn Caelynn's love dad. And that's really what this episode was all about. Asking dads for permission to marry their daughters.

I was kind of taken aback by Bachelor Twitter being so up in arms about this. There seemed to be three general beefs with the asking the father bit:

She's an Independent Woman, She Can Make Her Own Decision!

Example Tweet:

STOP ASKING MALE PARENTAL FIGURES FOR *PERMISSION* TO MARRY A WOMAN. (Yes, this is the hill I will die on.) #TheBachelor

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) February 26, 2019

Here's the thing - 150 years ago, you probably needed a father's permission to marry his daughter. It was how things worked back then. But like most things with time, this has changed, hasn't it? Now, it's more of a "I'm declaring my love for your daughter, I hope you're on board with that." I would venture to guess that most guys talk about marriage with their girlfriends before going to her dad about it. And I would venture to guess that even if the dad said "I'm not so cool with this," most guys are going to ask anyways, because it is the woman's decision, not her father's. But you know, Twitter got big mad about this anyways.

Why Didn't You Ask The Moms, You SEXIST PIG?

Example Tweet:

What 👏🏻 about 👏🏻 mom's 👏🏻 approval 👏🏻 though? #TheBachelor

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) February 26, 2019

You know why you don't ask for mom's approval? Mom will give you her opinion without you even asking. No mom in the history of moms has not made it abundantly clear if she's cool with you marrying her child from the get go. Colton probably knew the answer from all the moms by the way they passed the potatoes at dinner.

Also, Colton says he did ask:

SPOILER ALERT: I did #TheBachelor https://t.co/HI4cYXJsQh

— Colton Underwood (@colton) February 26, 2019

How Can He Ask Permission From These Men When He Knows He's Not Proposing to Three of Their Daughters?

Example Tweet

Honestly, I think it’s shitty that they ask every dad for permission. It’s one thing to lead on the girl, but to make her whole family get THAT invested is kind of messed up. #TheBachelor

— Bach Tweets (@BachBatch) February 26, 2019

You guys have seen this show before, right? I think this happens every season. The Bachelor says something like "I'd like to know I have your blessing," and the dad pauses for an awkwardly long time, then says "Son," pauses again for an awkwardly long time, then says something like "IF she's the one at the end, and IF you two keep progressing in your relationship, and IF she accepts your proposal, then you have my blessing."

And I think that's the important takeaway here....it's a TV show. This is not real life. You don't meet four girls' families in a week. you don't get to the point of wanting to marry four girls at once, you don't take twelve girls to Phuket or Istanbul or Venice or wherever they go. It's all entertainment. I guarantee if ABC had good footage of Colton asking a mom for mpermission, they'd have shown it. If the mom freaks out and says no....that'd be in there. But a majority of this country grew up in a patriarchal society, so we're comfortable with the construct of a guy asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. (Side note: I cringed every time Colton said "man to man...." during the episode. Like, stop trying to put yourself on the level of the girl's dad. You're not there yet, and even if you were, you pretend like you aren't. I could see forward thinking women all across the country pouring themselves another glass of wine every time those words came out of his mouth.)

Anyways, Caelynn went home, and Tayshia's probably next and we're going to be left with the two young blonde girls without any baggage or any sort of personality really.....just like Arie picked Lauren last year. Are all the winners really young and blonde, or is that just the perception? When I think of The Bachelor, I think of a dude proposing to Emily Maynard every time.

Bachelor 2019, Week Six: WHO DO YOU BELIEVE

We're still in Vietnam and Colton's giving us another Blair Witch style vlog.......We can't get this guy a kickstand for his phone? Colton reminds us that as the competition continues and the remaining ladies dwindle, the decisions he make get bigger and mean more. Thanks for explaining to us how competitions work.

"Hey Steph Curry, as you move on to the Western Conference Finals, how do you feel?"
"Well I mean, these games don't mean as much as the games back in the first round or in the regular season you know. It's pretty relaxed."

Vietnam ends our overseas adventure, as we head back to Denver....which means a visit with Ben Higgins. Ben let's Colton know that nothing he's done yet will prepare him for the hometowns and what's coming up. These are problems that will make you jump a fence.

This still hasn't happened, btw

Ben Higgins seems like a fine individual, but he is like the opposite of what I want to see on my TV. Being a good listener does not make for entertainment in my book. He gives solid, common sense advice (be honest about how you're feeling, level with the girls) and sends Colton on his merry way.

Colton and his dog are waiting for the ladies, and he immediately dismisses six of them to take a walk in the park with Tayshia. They walk all over downtown with his ancient labrador....seriously that dog looks exhausted and not at all like a city dog. They wander into an ice cream shop, and then buy salmon for dinner....and then stop for a drink? Don't you need to get that salmon into a fridge rather quickly?

Colton recaps the fact that all the ladies that left last week told him to watch his back, and that he knows they weren't talking about Tayshia. How he knows this is beyond me, because he didn't ask Sydney or Demi or Katie who they were talking about.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie discuss how nasty is was of the girls to "drop bombs" on Colton before they left, but "at least they didn't name names," which is a weird thing to say unless you think that they were talking about you. Of course they follow this up by saying that nobody left s all the close with them, so even if they do say something they can be like "you can't speak about me, you don't know me!"

Tayshia, meanwhile, has no qualms saying that it's Cassie and Caelynn. They're talking about being the next bachelorette and that they aren't going to be ready to get engaged and talking about where they're going to go and what people they're going to meet after the show.

First off......how many conversations have you ever had about the people you're going to meet in the future? This just seems like a real weird conversation to have. Colton's genuinely freaking out, and says "I had no questions for Cassie and Caelynn....and now I do." Really? No questions? So you were prepared to propose to either of them? By process of elimination by the way, we can determine that Colton thinks one of the Hannahs, Heather or Kirpa is the problem....or at least that's what he's telling us.

Tayshia is prepping Colton for her family, and basically is saying that her dad is not cool with her dating on television and he's gonna be predisposed to hate Colton, in part because of how hurt she was by the end of her last relationship. Colton fires back that he's not proposing if he doesn't have the father's blessing. "Call me old fashioned" he says. My opinion on asking the father's blessing is that you're not so much asking for permission anymore as you are giving the dad a heads up. Sort of a respect thing. I'm trying to think if my wife's parents had said no if I would've just broken up with her. I'm 99% sure I would've proposed to her anyways, though maybe not in front of her parents like I did. That probably would've been awkward.

Also, it's curious to me that Tayshia kept saying "my last relationship" while talking to Colton, but used the phrase "my divorce" at the end after he gives her the rose. Is she downplaying it, trying not to draw attention to the divorce thing? Like he'll forget she was married if she just calls it a relationship? A quick google search revealed to me that she actually dated some dude between her divorce and the start of the show....so was her dad more upset about the couple months boyfriend than the divorce, or is she conveniently forgetting to mention that guy to Colton? Also, this is why I typically try to avoid reading anything online about the show because I want to experience the show in a bubble. It's way more fun to me to see the show as ABC is trying to present it and take everyone at their word. It's hard to make fun of people when you know they're playing a role or just repeating something a producer whispered in their ear.

Colton and Caelynn go snowboarding, and she super sucks. Nonetheless, Colton tells her she's a natural and that he was very proud of her effort. Thanks coach!

He then drops the bomb on Caelynn that Tayshia is talking about her being there for the wrong reasons. Caelynn please her case, telling Colton that only she knows if she's ready for marriage, and guess what, she totally is! Immediately Caelynn turns into a mob boss, talking about F that girl for putting my name in her mouth and how she better get a rose so she can call "that stupid bitch out." Wow. Also, this just reminded me that three weeks ago Caelynn shared a super personal, emotional and moving story about being a sexual assault survivor....and literally nobody remembers that anymore. Now she's the girl with the potty mouth that is ready to punch a ho for spreading lies. She also makes sure to tell us that she's the only one falling in love with Colton. Awesome little drop there. Nobody loves him like I do.

After some tears from both of them in interviews, they have dinner and Caelynn has changed her tune. No more attempting to plot how to kill Tayshia, now it's all "I'm so in love with you and I want babies and I pray to God that it's us at the end of this." Colton is convinced, and they kiss and a rose is conveyed. So now he feels that Tayshia lied to him? Is he going to discuss this with her? I bet not.

Hannah B. gets the final one on one of the week, so that means Hannah G, Kirpa, and Heather are group dating it, which makes sense because they all got one on ones in Asia, but of course they flip out and think it means he's not into them, even though he just made out with them all over Vietnam.

Caelynn and Cassie have a very staged, very unbelievable conversation about how they can't believe Tayshia would say things like that about Caelynn. Caelynn of course confronts Tayshia, who is totally down to discuss this.

Tayshia then tells Caelynn that she has no real proof of her doing anything wrong, just that she talked to all the other girls, and they came to the same conclusion that the other girls must be talking about Cassie and Caelynn.

So a group of girls got together to discuss who they think is a fake ass skank and came up with.....THE ONLY TWO GIRLS THAT WEREN'T IN THE CONVERSATION! SHOCKING! Also, Tayshia definitely made it sound like she had heard these conversations that Cassie and Caelynn allegedly had, right? So why didn't that come up when she was talking directly to Caelynn? Her whole argument was that her and the other girls assume Cassie and her are fake because it's clearly not themselves! Tayshia is dead to me. Get her out of here.

At least the next date is Hannah B., who is way too crazy to be fake. Colton takes Hannah to meet his family. I don't know that is a great sign for Hannah B....I don't remember someone getting the family date mid-season actually being the winner at the end.

Colton's dad basically tells him not to trust any of the ladies over his own gut. Colton's dad seems like a good dude. Colton's dad asks him to tell him about Hannah, and Colton says she's incredible and amazing and she told him she loves him.....but he's not there yet. He then says he's 100% sure of Tayshia and Caelynn, even though he knows one of them is lying to him.

This is why Colton is an idiot.

Really seems like he's about to dump Hannah B. because he's just not that into her. Way to take her to meet your parents then, bro. If you're his parents, aren't you like "WTF did we just do that for? Great to see you and all, but you brought us a lame duck?"

Colton asks Hannah what makes her so sure about her feelings for him. She says she doesn't date to date, she dates for marriage, which is important at her ripe old age of 24. Apparently it's still 1754 in Alabama. Hannah continues to tell him how sure she is, while he doesn't smile once. She's toast. Colton basically says he's not ready for Hannah, so she's done because he can't shake her father's hand if he has any doubts about their relationship.

Hannah handles this like a champ. She basically doesn't beg him for anything, says "I've given you what I've got, not sure what else you want." Colton then says "I'm sure there's someone out there for you, to which Hannah basically responds "not shit dude." Hannah might be my favorite exit ever here.

Colton then acknowledges that he's a complete moron for sending a girl home that he knows is there for the right reasons. Good for him, but still, c'mon bro.

Back at the house, the girls all look shocked that Hannah went home, but you know they understand that means they don't have to win the group date rose to stay around....so good for them.

The group date is a train ride. I love the train, so Colton is definitely winning my heart on this one. Colton cautions the girls that they need to be sure about their relationship. Heather basically jumps up and says "well that's it for me! See ya bud!" Colton is also cool with this decision, so they share Heather's first last kiss and she hops on the train leaving the other girls and Colton stranded in the middle of nowhere until the next train shows up.

Kirpa and Hannah G. talk about how Cassie's gotta know the other girls are talking about her motivations and she shouldn't be surprised they hate her. Good times. Cassie pleads her case, and Colton seems to buy it. He asks Kirpa who is doing things right and wrong, and Kirpa says that Cassie and Caelynn "acted defensive" when Colton told them about Katie's warning. Colton then is basically like "durrrrr...idk.....what do I do?"

Kirpa and Cassie then start yelling at each other about what Katie said while Colton waits patiently six feet away off camera...I'm assuming at least. There's nowhere else for him to go right? He had to hear that whole thing. He's only sending one girl home here, and it would seem Hannah G. is safe as he just made out with her harder than any other girl last week in Vietnam, so it's either Cassie or Kirpa in my mind. He backed Caelynn, will he back Cassie too, or is he going to try to split the difference and say "well maybe one girl was being shady, I'll put my money on it being Cassie and Cassie only."

Colton gives Hannah G. the rose and sends her back to the other girls to tell them what happened. Hannah G. then says that Cassie and Kirpa had an altercation where they each stated their opinions. VERRRY descriptive Hannah!.

All of a sudden, Caelynn just waltzes into the group date. I love that the group date happens while the girls that are safe are just down the hall. Phenomenal. Caelynn basically says "don't send my friend home, she's awesome and the other girl is a lying liar." That's good enough for Colton, as he sends Kirpa home.

Incredible that he kept Tayshia around despite clearly not believing her that Caelynn and Cassie are fame whores. He sent literally everyone else that had a problem with the two of them home this week. What super sucks is that these girls aren't really going to see each other again save for rose ceremonies the rest of the season. 

Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Colton's Been Warned (again, and again, and again.....)

We pick up where we left off - with Colton walking down the beach. I've never seen a guy who handled confrontation so poorly. Every time the girls get grouchy with each other and look to him to settle the dispute and he has to head off by himself and the producers have to send out the Bat-Signal to scramble Chris Harrison from wherever he is to talk him down.

Onyeka and Nicole keep their silly feud up, with Onyeka saying the classic line "nobody here can say that I bullied them....except for you." Onyeka then proceeds to interrupt and talk over Nicole, all the while proclaiming innocence in this spat. She's awful. Nicole's not much better. Colton is a dummy.

Rose ceremony time! Colton talks about how emotional and hard it is for him to hear two girls argue about something that doesn't even involve him. How hard it is to get rid of two girls he's barely given a minute of time to when he's got a dozen or so other girls he clearly likes more just waiting to comfort him. C'mon son.

As if there was any doubt, Onyeka and Nicole are sent home as the last rose goes to Sydney. Nicole, as is her way, cries on the way out. I don't know if it's telling or not, but Nicole hugs all the girls and says goodbye and Onyeka just bounces without so much as a wave. I think we know who the girls sided with in this argument.

Next stop Vietnam! Let's get Colton's selfie vlog for the week. The sheer number of cuts in this forty-five second video makes me think it probably took him twenty minutes to get out four coherent sentences. The girls take a tour of the resort and oooh and ahh at all the things that look exactly like the last resort they stayed at. And look, I get that everyone has the urge to yell "Good morning, Vietnam!" but it's one of those jokes that you know is gonna be stupid before you say it. Also, I'd be willing to bet none of those girls have seen a move that came out before they were all born. I haven't seen the movie. It's never on TV, and it's not in the Redbox. I'd say 75 to 80% of the viewers haven't seen the movie, and probably don't know what that line is from.

Hannah G gets the first one on one of the week and they make out wrapped up in seaweed. They make out in mud. They make out in a shower. It's like a PG-13 version of a Dr. Seuss book.

Would you could you in a shrub? Would you, could you in a tub? Try it, Try it, and you'll see!
Say, I do like Hannah G. And I will kiss her in a bush. And I will touch her perfect tush!

If Colton likes you, he's gonna make out with you. If he wants to be your gay best friend, he'll talk to you about why he's a virgin. End of story.

Hannah asks him what his favorite part of the day was, and she can't even finish her sentence before he blurts out "the shower!" God, what a child. Hannah does the best she can to keep him from getting too excited, calmly saying "I like showering too."

Hannah then tells her story of her parents divorce, and how she knew it was over when her mom drove across the lawn that her dad mowed three times a week.......which then leads Colton to say he doesn't talk about his parents divorce much either. You know who doesn't talk about their parents divorce much?

This is gonna blow your mind

EVERYONE!

Seriously.....my parents got divorced when I was around ten. It sucked. It sucks for everyone involved, every single time. You know how often that comes up? NEVER. Nobody wants to hear about it, nobody wants to relive that, and almost always everyone ends up just fine in the end and you realize that it's probably for the best that the marriage ended when it did. So don't act like you're more ready for marriage because your parents got divorced.

The group date starts with Colton fighting off a couple of Vietnamese ninjas. Ah yes, the group date where we teach a bunch of emotional girls to punch, then have them practice on each other and act shocked when someone takes it too far or someone gets hurt.

Up first is Heather and Sydney, who shriek and hug each other for a couple minutes. Hannah B. and Cassie go next, and it's not much better. Honestly, I'm shocked they didn't make Hannah and Caelyn punch each other for old times sake. Finally, Demi and Katie duke it out. Katie is here to win and punches Demi in the face a couple times. Demi is not pleased. She basically curls up in a ball and curses the heavens that this happened to her. Colton looks like having girls fight is not a sexy as he thought it'd be. He cancels the rest of the fights, which I think was a strategic play to make sure Caelyn and Tayshia didn't get their pretty faces bruised. Colton says "I wanted this to be fun for everyone." Really? Who thinks punching each other is fun in a competitive setting? Nobody wants to get beat in front of a guy that can dump you based on the results of your stupid boxing match.

I love that as they walk away from the Vietnamese dojo, Demi is holding the trophy. Of course Colton gives the trophy to the worst participant. That's so on point for him.

Tayshia and Colton talk about their relationship in broad generalities that never really get to what they actually feel. Tayshia says she doesn't know how she's feeling, but it's because she's been burned before and she wants Colton to have that curiosity about her as well. Colton says he likes her because she's calming and he looks forward to these moments every week and he wants to know more about her everytime he sees her because he's never dated this many women before. They kiss and apparently they're both good now.

Katie gets her one on one time, and she cries about how she doesn't want Colton to think she's not trying. Colton says he likes seeing her doubt herself because.....I'm not sure why. Something about different sides of her and how seeing someone be neurotic and self conscious makes him get a clearer picture of who she is.

Up next is Hannah B., who decides not to show Colton a different side. She just shows him her teeth and crazy eyes and giggles a lot. Her days are numbered I think. They then do a ninja stick competition, which pisses Sydney off. Sydney is not a play with a stick kind of girl. She's serious and mature, and she wants Colton to know that.

She goes straight in on Colton basically saying "I would rather be doing this on a one on one date, but god damnit you haven't given me a one-on-one date and I need to know why!" Colton responds by saying "I'm just not that into you" without actually saying it. It was a masterful sidestep really.

Demi calls her mom, who is out of jail with Colton. This is apparently her ploy to show him a different side of her. But when you're on speaker phone with your boyfriend and you have to tell your mom you're proud of her for making it through jail and that you "know she's being a good girl," does that actually help him picture a life with you down the road? To me, it says "holy buckets, this girl's mom was in jail....and not for the first time!" That's a hard hurdle to overcome when you've got plenty of attractive, smart women who don't have felons for mothers you can date. I think this was the first mistake Demi has made.

Tayshia and Sydney continue to chide the other girls for having fun and giggling. Love is serious apparently, and you're enjoying your time you clearly aren't there for the right reasons. Sydney then goes back to Colton and asks for more attention from him. Colton really REALLY hates being questioned, and bristles at the fact that Sydney isn't appreciative of his methods. Then Sydney goes further, saying he's been making easy decisions with his roses and his date choices - basically saying he's a horny dumbass distracted by big boobs and shiny lights. Sydney then basically dumps him, saying this isn't working for her. Colton says he's upset, but doesn't really say why. I'm sure Sydney thinks it's because she's leaving, but I think it's because she called him shallow....she even says "Don't get distracted by shiny things" as she leaves! I mean, it would just be easier to just say "Tayshia. You should pick Tayshia."

Colton then gives a speech to the other women about how Sydney leaving made him think about how much more he can give to all of the remaining women. IMMEDIATELY, he gives the rose to Tayshia, which seems to be the opposite message from what he just said. Whatever dude, you do you.

Kirpa gets the final date of the week, and miraculously, her chin is completely healed. No mark whatsoever. It's been what, a week since she got stitched up? I call shenanigans. Colton then takes a girl on a boat ride for the third date in the last four. At least on this one, there's an activity.....diving for urchins! They catch one urchin, then get back on the boat. There's very little making out. Usually not a good sign with this guy.

Kirpa opens up about her previous engagement. They were together for eight years! He was saving himself for marriage despite being with the same woman for eight years! Kirpa is 26. She was with the same dude from high school on for eight years, they got engaged, and they didn't have sex, and then they broke up before getting married? HOW ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE FOR EIGHT YEARS AND BREAK UP BEFORE GETTING MARRIED? This just blows my mind. At no point in eight years did you reach a point where you thought "maybe this guy isn't the one" and then you get engaged and now figure it out?

Here are my options for how this went down:

1. She cheated on him, and that's what caused the engagement to be called off.
2. She made some very poor decisions in high school.
3. She started dating the kid next door when she was 10, they got "engaged" in middle school, then broke up after high school.
4. This relationship started normally enough....maybe when she's a junior in high school. They broke up a year ago, Kirpa was way past ready to have sex, and went crazy for a year or so before ending up on the Bachelor.

She then says that she doesn't want to get engaged again unless she's sure it's the right person, but tells Colton that she feels like she'd be open to getting engaged next month if things keep progressing as they are. She says this without smiling and with barely any eye contact. I don't believe her.

Demi's decided it's time to have sex with CoCo as she calls him. This is either going to be amazing for her or completely backfire.

It backfires immediately. Colton sits her down on the couch and tells her she's not the one and it's not going to happen and sends her home. Holy hell. I mean, I knew he wasn't going to pick the tiny sexpot with the felon mom and the outgoing personality, but I didn't think he'd just cut her straight off before a rose ceremony. Honestly, this is the best thing that could've happened to Demi though. She instantly went from the crazy villain to a sympathetic girl from a broken home who just got dumped. People will love her now, and she'll be a sneaky dark horse candidate for Bachelorette.

Rose Ceremony time! Colton skips the cocktail party, sending Chris Harrison to tell the ladies so that they can appropriately freak out. In the end, it comes down to Katie and Heather. He gives the rose to Heather. Katie doesn't seem pleased. The conversation he had with Katie definitely made it seem like he was looking forward to continuing the journey with her. She's not having it. She tells Colton that she wished she got more time with him. Colton says he was excited about her, but she didn't "let him in." Katie then tells him the same thing Sydney did: "be smart about the girls who are left."

Colton then amazingly says that he dumped Demi because he thought Sydney was talking about her, and implies that he dumped Katie because he thought Demi was warning him about her. Now he doesn't know who Katie's talking about. So he does what Colton does...Immediately tells the group what some girl just told him privately. Bizarrely, Tayshia turns to Kirpa and says "let's take this thing. It's going to be the two of us at the end. I can feel it." OK...........

Then we get previews of Colton jumping the fence, girls crying, Colton crying....it's all very strange. Maybe we'll get answers next week, but I sort of doubt it. They've got a lot of mileage out of this fence jumping thing, seems like a Week 9 sort of thing.

Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Cry-land

Thailand! Thailand has a reputation of being a very un-virgin location, yeah? This should be interesting.

I always crack up thinking about the person who ding dong ditches and leaves a date card. Like are the girls told to wait thirty seconds before heading to the door, or is some production assistant on a dead sprint into the bushes to get out of the shot? How many times have they had to turn the girl around and say "you grabbed the card too fast, can you go back inside and come out again....only this time look more nervous!"

As the girls discuss obvious things like "I feel like the girls who have had one-on-one dates are further along with Colton than the rest of us," Heather is awarded the first one-on-one of the episode. She's definitely going to have her "first kiss" on national television. Do we really buy that a girl as attractive as her has never been kissed? Maybe we're talking no tongue?

Before we get into her date, we get a shot of Elyse being mopey because she didn't get a second one-on-one date before other girls got their first shot. This seems like code for "Colton is a mess, I'm not feeling him anymore, I'm gonna get myself out of here." The show can't have Colton seeming undesirable, so of course she's gotta flip it around and act like she's TOO in love with him. If she had a kid, she could just suddenly start missing her kid and bail, but she doesn't have card to play.

Colton is such a dummy. He says he hears the sound of hope in a conch, blows kisses to monkeys, but not before asking Heather if she blows kisses, as if kiss-virgins are so nervous about it they don't even blow kisses.

The date is.....not going well. I don't know if it's the sexual tension, or if two virgins are like magnets of the same polarity that repel each other, but it's rough. Colton follows up his classic "Singapore has the lights and the buildings" by saying about Thailand 'these rocks...the greenery....it's incredible." This guy definitely reads at a fifth grade level.

Heather explains that she went out with a guy for 8 months without kissing him. She said she was trying to force herself to like him because he had everything she was looking for. So she was forcing it without kissing him? This guy was willing to date her for 8 months without getting a kiss? I'm flummoxed. Colton tells her the date was an absolute blast and then explains that he likes her and then just basically says he wants to kiss her, but doesn't say it directly. "I'm looking forward to experiencing new first things with you...." stuff like that. She gets the rose. They walk along the beach, there's fireworks.....they kiss!

Look, kissing someone for the first time is nerve wracking. Kissing anyone for the first time is terrifying (or at least it was to teenage me). You don't know if they'll like it, you don't know if you're any good at it.....so why on God's green Earth would you agree to do that on national television? Props to Heather though, she pulled it off like a veteran kisser.

She gets back to the house (where the girls have been debating whether or not she's coming back) and Elyse is getting dolled up like it's rose ceremony night. Heather tells the guys she got kissed, and that she's super excited that Colton wants to move forward with her, and Elyse just bounces. Just gets up and walks out the door while Heather keeps talking. Super rude, but I'll go out on a limb and guess Elyse isn't hear to make friends. Sydney says "she looked good though," which is so not a thing a guy would ever say.

The dress and bouncing out while all the other girls are in a central location makes me think Elyse is going to talk to Colton....and I'm right. Elyse starts by saying that "I think you could see that the last time we talked that I wasn't myself." Colton gives no indication that he agrees, but Elyse continues undeterred. Colton tries to explain to her that he's been in her situation and he knows what it's like, but Elyse has already made her mind up that she's out of here.

"I don't give up on relationships," says the guy who has broken up with 15 girls in the past month. "especially ones where I'm excited and see a future." Yeah, those are the ones I tend to try and keep going too, buddy.

Elyse is doing a terrible job of convincing me that she really is upset to be leaving. Her cry seems fake, she keeps covering her face to hide tears that aren't there....but of course Colton blames himself. "I've had people give up on me in the past," he moans. Don't worry buddy, there's 14 other girls that are waiting to whine to you about each other and your relationship with them.

Group date time....it's time to walk through the jungles of Thailand! They find the Thai Bear Grylls to show them how to survive. Joe finds all the craziest things in the jungle - bugs, eels, scorpions, snakes...... It looks sweaty as hell in this jungle. Joe splits them into three teams to find ways to survive, only one of which has Colton on it. Hannah, Hannah, and Demi form the greatest team in the history of any competition. They're the Golden State Warriors of reality television. They decide to "work smarter, not harder" so they find a cab and head to a hotel and grab some burgers and booze. This show isn't even trying anymore. Onyeka produces an empty handkerchief that she says has some bugs to eat in it, but conveniently drops the non-existent bugs. This date sucked. Tayshia is on Colton's team, and she decides they need to divide and conquer to survive, so she sends the other two girls to find food while her and Colton make out...only they don't go anywhere even close to far enough apart to make this plan make any sense. Why do you need to split up if you're going to kiss him in plain sight of the other girls anyways? God damnit this show doesn't even try half the time anymore. This whole date gets an F-. They can't even pretend that this is real anymore.

Cassie is the only one left and gets the second one-on-one. Heather grabs her one on one date, and then....touches Cassie's foot? What is that? Why is she caressing her foot? She's touching Cassie with more passion than she showed on her date with Colton! Maybe Heather's chyron should read "Never Been Kissed....BY A MAN."

Back at the group date after party, Colton tells Tayshia he liked the initiative she showed, and then -

Nevermind, nobody cares about that. I need to know what happened to Kirpa's chin. Did she slip and fall? Did she get punched? Did a monkey attack her? Did one of Elyse's seventeen curling irons burn her? I need to know!

Ok we're back. Hannah B. and Colton discuss the zombie apocalypse, and Colton states that if there was a zombie apocalypse, he'd want Miss Alabama by his side.

Next we get Onyeka saying that, before Elyse left she told her that Nicole wasn't here for the right reasons. Fuggin' Elyse man. What a terrible exit. Not only does she put on her "you're gonna miss this" dress, not only does she rudely interrupt Heather's first kiss story, NOT ONLY does she basically break up with Colton by saying that she likes him too much and that it's not fair that he likes her too and that's why they can't be together, she also decidess to tell the most irrationally confrontational girl in the house that one of the quietest contestants is a snake. Way to throw a grenade in the bunker, Elyse.

Fuck this.....this turns out to be a fake news situation. I feel like the show is trying to teach America that you can't always believe what you hear. In this situation, Onyeka plays the role of your MAGA loving uncle, who continues to post fake memes on Facebook about Hilary Clinton. Of course, when you present him with factual evidence that Hilary did not run a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor, he switches his argument to "Well, I still don't like that nasty woman!" which is exactly what Onyeka does. Now that she's been presented with a firsthand account that Nicole did not want to use the show to get out of Miami (who wants out of Miami? Isn't it like a desirable destination?), she starts talking about how Nicole cries all the time and she never liked her anyways.

Colton takes Cassie on....the exact same date he took Heather on? Well, minus the rocks and the greenery. They just basically make out on a boat. Do you think the boat driver is like "kill me now?" He just drives the boat around while two people dry hump like he isn't even there. Rough gig.

Back at the house, the girls discuss how much Colton likes Cassie. This date involves no talking and all kissing. Meanwhile the water taxi dude is probably still just sitting there listening to a podcast and watching them make out. He gives her the rose before they even discuss anything of any consequence. After the rose presentation, Cassie and Colton discuss the fact that they are at different points in their sexual lives. Cassie talks about how hard it is to tell some of her family members that she's not a virgin. This conversation makes no sense. She's asking Colton how he deals with being a virgin because she wants to know how to deal with not being a virgin? I'm so baffled by what is happening right now. How is this an actual discussion? Anyways....this competition to be the first to touch Colton's penis is just about wrapped up. Cassie is the clear frontrunner. How will they ever keep this show going for another five weeks?

Oh I know.....let's throw some drama in there and mess everything up! Kirpa's still there with her busted up chin...I really hope she explains that to him. Oneyka and Nicole continue their cold war over fake news that was either started by Elyse or completely misinterpreted by Onyeka, I'm not sure which. Nicole says he's not looking for an "Instagram Husband," and I'm instantly googling the term Instagram Husband. Apparently it's someone who takes pictures for his blogging wife. Nicole is doing a great job of stating her case...and then she just can't help herself and says that Onyeka is just not right for him and he could never be with her because of how Onyeka treats Nicole.

Onyeka tells Colton she would never call anyone mentally unstable, and then immediately we get a shot of Onyeka talking to the camera saying "I've never been called a bully - Nicole is literally a psycho." It's just.....too much. Either these people are dumb, or the show thinks we're dumb.

Now we're going to parse words about if calling someone mentally unstable is the same as saying that someone is emotionally unstable. This is such a microcosm of our society today, where we argue about the words used rather than the intent behind them.

Colton comes over to try to calm the situation down, but it doesn't help. They continue to argue. Onyeka says she's never said anything offensive to anyone, forgetting that she blew an air horn in Catherine's face and said Colton was drowning in bitches. Colton's over it and walks away. Onyeka FINALLY realizes that maybe her schtick isn't playing well and starts apologizing to Colton, who dismisses her and walks away. The girls wonder if Colton's about to call it quits. Because...what? That's an option? Just stop the show with 14 girls remaining and pick nobody?

TO BE CONTINUED...........