Bachelor 2018 Week 5: Arie You Kidding Me?

So this week kicks off in Fort Lauderdale. What happened to the budget of this show? Didn't they used to leave Los Angeles for foreign countries immediately? Now we're going to spring break locations that are affordable to the brokest of college students. Tune in next week for a trip to Paris.....Texas.

Not wasting any time, Arie shows up and takes Chelsea out on a date. The rest of the women, who apparently left every article of clothing that covered their belly button back at the mansion sit around and complain about not getting the date. But wait...Maquel is back, and she's wearing a whole dress! It's like she's the one person that misinterpreted the invitation to a party and showed up in a costume. Poor Maquel.

Chelsea and Arie cruise around on a yacht and jet ski as the other women watch them through a telescope. This is what people had to do before Facebook to see what their exes were up to with other women.

Oh, you know, just watching this bitch straddle my man on a jet ski. No big deal....

Chelsea and Arie's date is pretty run of the mill, but at dinner Chelsea really lays on the tragic backstory. Her ex was apparently rich and made her life super easy. I get the feeling he was like ten years older than her and it was a really sugar daddy situation. Anyways, after seven years, she got pregnant and he dumped her six months after their son was born. He shacked up with another woman whom he is now married to and they have a child of their own. Chelsea says "I was left with nothing but my trash bags and my possessions." Ummmmm....and the kid, right? That adorable little bugger you keep reminding everyone you're missing time with while you travel around the country with this guy and his dozen other girlfriends? Reba McEntire Colonel Sanders has a song called "Fancy" about a very poor woman whose mom buys her a fancy dress to impress the fellas at a dance so that she can escape her life of poverty. I feel like that's how Chelsea is treating being on this show. Here's your one chance Chelsea don't let me down.

Chelsea (sort of) recovers by saying "I've never had less, and yet I feel like I've never had so much," which I think is a reference to her son, but really could be to her Twitter followers. Who knows. Arie buys it though, and gives her a rose. Good for her.

Group date time, and we're going bowling at the bowling alley time forgot. It's like that scene in Field of Dreams where Ray leaves the hotel and it's 1972 again. And why does this bowling alley not have pint glasses to drink beer out of? Everyone is drinking from those cheap plastic cups that you usually see at a dentist's office or something. Seriously, they couldn't even afford Solo? What happened to you, Bachelor? The show is like Chelsea....never had so little.

Arie tells the girls at the start that they're going to have a competition: winners get to go to an after party, the losers go home. Krystal is already pounding the beer from these little cups. At one point she leads the girls on her team in a prayer in which she asks her dogs to be their angels and lead them to victory. This is hands down the craziest thing that's ever happened on the show. Anyways, Krystal's team wins, and Bekah, Kendall, a couple of the anonymous blonde girls (Jenna and Lauren maybe?) and Marikh are sent to this weird locker room type thing to think about how they just lost a chance at furthering their relationships with Arie because they suck at bowling.

Krystal lines up her shot and "oh my god! There's Bekah!"

Arie quickly surveys the winning team and realizes that he doesn't get to tongue wrestle with the 22 year old or the crazy hot chick with the dead animals, and does an about face on the sending the losers home. Sports in America today man....orange slices, trophies and dates for everyone.

Krystal is super pissed about this  (she does have a legitimate beef here I think) and just continues to drink and rage. She rips off her bowling shirt in the living room of the suite and saunters back into the bedroom to drink some more I'd presume. She emerges later and tells everyone "I packed all my stuff I'm so mad that he went back on his word." This explains why she's wearing a bathrobe. SHE LITERALLY PACKED ALL HER STUFF! Krystal does what she says, God damnit. She lets the other girls know she will not be going on their date. The girls kinda shrug and give her a Cowboy Bill farewell:

 

 At the party, Arie, ever attentive, says "hey, we're all here!" After the girls correct him, he heads out to find Krystal. Classic Bachelor move. Nine girls happy to see you, one girl pissed at you for no real reason, and you abandon  the nine normal ones to go deal with crazy. I never understand why the girls don't just disband at that point. I remember one time I was at Shari's with a girl in college (not a date, just some late night food with friends) and she got up to go talk to someone else in the restaurant. Forty minutes later, she still hadn't returned to our table, so I figured she was going home with them and left. I felt like that was the appropriate response. Turns out the guy she was talking to had recently lost his sister to suicide, which kind of explained everything. Only she never told me that was what was up, so I didn't know. Live and learn. I'm off topic.

Arie goes to talk to Krystal, who is way less angry than her prior actions indicated. She's just kind upset that he told them one thing and then did the other. Arie denies doing this, but that's exactly what he did. He tries to wriggle out of it by saying he wasn't going to cut Krystal's time short, just extend the evening to give everyone time. Because everyone wants to sit around until 4 am to have a chance to talk to you, Arie. He leaves by saying "I think you should stay in the room, and I'll talk to you in a couple days." Arie just grounded her! The other ladies should approve: I think he just proved he'll make a great father with the way he handled that situation. 

Krystal, feeling a bit sheepish for her actions, unpacks a very flowery dress that looks like you might wear to an Easter family function and sashays into the after party just as Bekah does yet another Krystal impression. Do you think the other women are like "Bekah does THE BEST Krystal impression! Hey Bek! Do it again!" or do they roll their eyes as she makes the same joke for the 1,000th time? Krystal tries to justify her actions, but she knows she just did the exact same thing she's allegedly pissed at Arie for doing, so she retreats back to her hotel suite without even talking to Arie. Probably a good move, since he grounded you and would like totally take away your cell phone for violating your curfew.

Up next is a one an one date with Tia. They take one of those hydroplane thingys around the everglades looking for gators. Arie, realizing that he hasn't compared love to a demolition derby car or a dog show or a yacht or any other date prop on the show yet, chooses this alligator to be his allegory: "Looking at this alligator reminds me that love is scary."

Moving on.....Arie takes Tia to Gerald's house. I don't get the sense that this place is a hotel or a B&B or anything like that. It's just the shack of a dude that lives in the Everglades, seemingly miles from any other humans. Gerald is exactly the kind of person you would expect to live in such a place. He's very friendly, but you get the sense he's either hiding from the law or is required by the law to live out here. Gerald built this place with his bare hands after it burned to the ground "in the first part of 2000." WHO BURNED IT DOWN AND WHY, GERALD? Gerald likes to go "froggin'," which Tia helpfully describes as shining a spotlight on a frog and spearing it with a ten foot pole. Froggin' is not a healthy way to spend your time, Gerald. 

Tia wins the award for first girl to tell Arie she loves you, as she shyly avoids eye contact in her JC Penney Jr. Prom dress. Arie also looks like he's headed to Jr. Prom, in clothes he found in the back of his father's closet from twenty years ago. Nothing about this dinner says "romantic meal for two people contemplating marriage," including the giant neon sign behind them that says "LIVE BAIT." Nonetheless, they have maybe the most in depth conversation two people have had on this show in quite some time.....even going so far as to discuss their thoughts on God and if they can work out a relationship despite having differing theological viewpoints. They then kiss at the table before walking up by the Live Bait sign and kissing again. "I've been waiting for you to push me up against something," Tia coos, as Arie strokes her collar bone as he makes out with her? Seriously, what is that? It's not normal, and it makes me think that Arie has been taking lessons from Gerald on how to seduce women and murder them in the Everglades.

With all the dates done, it's time for the cocktail party. I'm expecting all the girls to have one on one time with Arie, but instead they all spend their one on one time with Krystal. It's amazing how, season after season, these girls always get so wrapped up in what the villain is doing and take their eyes off the prize. Bekah, Tia, and Kendall all confront Krystal who just continues to say the same thing over and over again: "I was hurt and who hasn't lashed out in that situation?"

Kendall does actually talk to Arie too, and she has this book of 100 questions. This was a popular thing in the 1990s....I remember having a book of questions and writing my answers down in it, but Kendall has made her own questions. Arie asks for #99 (his racing number) and she flips through and reads it:

"If you were amongst a tribe of people who had the ritual of eating the bodies of recently deceased people, would you try human flesh?"

I don't think I'd ever want to date Kendall, but God damn I need that woman in my life. She can be my neighbor. We'll invite her over for pizza and board games every Friday. I'll bet she gives the best answers in Balderdash. 

Krystal (ugh) also gets her moment with Arie, and she tries to wriggle her way out of trouble by suggesting that the date triggered her PTSD because her mom (who was emotionally unavailable) worked in a bowling alley, and the men she brought home from this bowling alley would make her promises and then not follow through. That's right, Arie.....she just compared you to the guy who picks up the shoe girl at the bowling alley and tells he loves her so he can sleep with her. Yikes. Arie does not seem to be buying it. "We just had our first fight!" Krystal jokes. "Could be our last fight too" Arie quips back, in the first likeable moment he's had all season. 

Take that, Krystal!

On most girls, I feel like that line might've sent them into tears. However, we're dealing with a girl who prayed to her dogs to deliver a bowling victory. Then again, those angel bowling dogs delivered, so I'm sure Krystal's convinced that it's their last fight because once they're rid of all these other bitches and living together in Scottsdale they will never be angry with each other again.

Rose Ceremony time! Only real drama is if Krystal will get a rose. She does, meaning Maquel, Ashley and Marikh are sent packing. Rough week for Maquel - grandpa dies, returns to the show to go bowling in Ft. Lauderdale, and then is sent home again. If she'd milked the dead grandpa thing another week, she'd have been cruising the Seine by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Those are the breaks, kid.

Bachelor 2018 Week 4: Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

And that number is 14....as in Bekah is 14 years younger than Arie. This is a huge problem, apparently. You know what isn't a big deal? Maquel's age. She's 13 years younger than Arie, but nobody seems to care about that.

Harrison shows up and sends the girls into conniptions because they're heading to South Lake Tahoe! Ten years ago I probably would've been annoyed with the unnecessary distinction of "South" Lake Tahoe, but then I moved to North Albany, and now I totally get it.

Seinne gets the first solo date of the Tahoe portion of our journey. Arie goes parasailing with Seinne, and Seinne tells us that parasailing is "almost like flying" and "about letting go." Actually, it's exactly like flying, and it's not about letting go because you are literally attached to a rope. Parachuting....that's about letting go. Didn't this girl go to Yale?

Arie then tells Seinne that he likes doing things outdoors, and that's what he loves about Scottsdale. The average high temperature in Scottsdale is over 100 degrees all summer and that sounds miserable to be outside. I guess the temps being in the sixties and seventies all winter would be nice though.

So far this episode sucks. Seinne is too chill to be interesting, and Arie just can't carry a conversation. The boring episode is salvaged a little bit, but unfortunately it's because Maquel's grandfather died. She's heading out, and the other girls just sit on the couch and watch her cry and pack in silence. I can't tell if this is bullshit editing by ABC to make the girls look like heartless monsters or if they're actually all that psychotic. Either way, I feel terrible for Maquel.

The group date names are announced, and it's only significant because Bekah isn't named, meaning she gets the one on one. Krystal is pissed and doesn't understand why he'd take someone so young on the date. The translation is that she is pissed he didn't take her on another one on one date. I'll never get why every season there's always one girl that thinks she's the only one on the show and doesn't understand that for there to even be a show, he has to at least pretend to like a few other girls. Actually, he doesn't even have to pretend...he just has to go on dates with other girls so ABC can pretend he likes them. Krystal sucks

Back on the solo date, Seinne tells Arie she wants him to teach her how to wink. Can you learn how to wink, or is it like rolling your tongue? I have no idea, so I googled "learn to wink." There are some great suggestions like "focus on your eye and think 'move, move, move'" and "hold one eye open with your fingers while you close the other one." Tell me you wouldn't love to see Arie trying to train Seinne's eyes to wink. Instead, Arie laughs his weird semi creepy laugh and then we move on. Seinne is now reminding us that there were no fairy tale love stories involving black women pre-Princess and the Frog. She says something about how she feels like her being on this show is something young black girls can look up to. I can't tell if she actually thinks that, or if she's using that Yale education to put Arie on the spot and feel like he's letting all the girls from minority races down if he lets her go. It's a pretty strong play though either way.....and it works. She gets the rose.

 Time for the group date. Arie takes the ladies out into the woods to have a survival date with the straight up creepiest couple in Reality TV history. This serial killer looking dude and his British wife are super excited to get these girls to pee in canteens in case they need to drink it....as if they're going to be out in the Tahoe wilderness for a month instead of two hours. Arie then drinks his "pee" which is actually apple juice. Marikh says that Gandhi drank his own pee because he thought it was nutritious, which is the kind of fake news bullshit that is ruining America. Donald Trump would be super proud of that one.

Up next is some bug eating and then a nature hike to a secluded hot tub. Krystal tries to canoodle up to Arie, which leads to one of the best moments in Bachelor history in my opinion. Caroline and Tia then cuddle exactly like she's cuddling with Arie and say "we have strategy too!" which kills the cuddle vibe for Arie and also tips Krystal a little closer to crazy town. Now all of a sudden she's too mature to be in the hot tub and starts talking about how she feels like she's in high school and everyone's in love with the camp counselor. If that's what happens at high school girls camps, I need to advise every adult male to not be a camp counselor unless they want to end up on Nancy Grace.

At the post party, Arie tells Lauren that "he should take her on a date" and he tells Kendall "She is so brave" because she ate a bug. The way Arie talks to them kind of reminds me of that nervous interview guy that Chris Farley used to play on SNL....."remember that time you ate a bug and then we kissed? That was awesome."

Krystal then dominates the remainder of the night, whining to Arie about how ostracized she feels and blah blah blah. She then whispers to Arie that he should tell Tia, who is tryign to interrupt, that he needs one more minute, which is diabolical...and totally works because Arie is a total wuss. She then calls Tia and Caroline over to tell her that they hurt her feelings by poking fun at the fact that she was cuddling with the only man in the hot tub. Krystal then tells Tia that she is here for Arie, otherwise she wouldn't be putting up with her bullshit. Amazing.

Tia then cries on Arie's shoulder....not because Krystal is frustrating her, but because she's scared of how much she likes him.

Thankfully this date comes to an end, and Tia gets it. Krystal is flummoxed. Arie wastes no time in leaving the girls to kill each other, as he all but sprints out of the room and says "welp see ya later!" What a douche. I don't get what these girls see in him really.....maybe he's better off camera, but all I see is a sorta good looking guy with really dumb jokes and no ability to engage in a serious or deep conversation. If you were the Bachelorette and signed up all the realtors in Scottsdale, would he even make it out of the first night?

Arie and Bekah like to talk about how deep and enriching their conversations are, but all we hear is talk about the weather and how they've never been to Tahoe and how good they are at kissing each other and how pretty the water is and holy shit it's all just filler between kisses. I don't care if you guys are just horny for each other, but don't patronize America by telling us how deep you are.

I thought about typing everything that these two said to each other to illustrate how insanely inane the conversations these two have are...but it really just ended up being both of them saying "like" and "you know" to each other sixty billion times

Arie wraps up the date by threatening to send her home because "she's the most amazing person he's ever met in his life, but he NEEDS a wife." He doesn't, he just sends gives her a rose and tells her he's lucky she's there. He'll send her home next week.

Arie then kills the cocktail party and makes all the girls start sweating by heading straight to the rose ceremony. I like how it's seen as a kind gesture to the girls going home to make them get all dressed up and then send them home before the free food and booze at the fancy party. Krystal then pulls a Krystal and steals Arie away during the rose ceremony to get her final word in. I'm looking forward to all the girls accepting roses and then immediately giving them back if Krystal doesn't go home. It'll be like that scene in Rudy where all the players lay their jerseys down until Rudy gets to play.

Also, why don't all the other girls then demand the same amount of one on one time he just gave Krystal? That only seems fair and if Arie is willing to hear one girl out and not you, then you don't want to be with him anyways. It's a bold move and one I think would win the hearts of America.

Lauren, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Kendall, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kendall join Tia, Seinne and Bekah with roses. Gone are Caroline and Brittney. I had Caroline going far because she seemed like one of those under the radar girls that is just nice and easy to get along with but doesn't do anything that merits TV time. Will Maquel make a re-entry next week? Will Krystal be murdered in her sleep?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Bachelor 2018 Week 3: How Many Traumas Can One Girl Endure?

We come back and the girls are all emotionally and physically drained from talking and drinking all night. I love how many of them wear glasses when they're not trying to impress Arie. I don't think I've ever noticed that before.

Chris Harrison gets his screen time by telling the girls that "behind every man is a strong woman....and we're going to put that to the test tonight." It's time for GLOB.

Arie is wearing a mask like the dorkiest Zorro of all time. We're gonna fake wrestle. We've got some sixty year old wrestling chicks: The Farmer's Daughter and Little Egypt. Little Egypt is pissed they're not pretending to be hurt and smiling. Little Egypt is all of a sudden turning into a military drill sergeant, calling people bitches and questioning if their mom's know how to spell their names. I love Bibiana's reaction of "bitch you don't even know my mom." There are some very sensitive people here. Tia quits too. Some people take themselves too seriously. I don't get why they're having so much trouble with the acting part. They're all doing a pretty good job of acting like they're interested in Arie.

Tia is taking it especially hard, crying and afraid she's going to get hurt. The classic "Imma cry and pout until Arie shows me attention." The girls come up with wrestling names like "Sex Kitten," "Gold Digger," and "Bridezilla." Not much imagination, but then again the costumes are all they have to go off of. It's not like they really had much time to craft a persona.

Kenny from last Bachelorette shows up to wrestle Arie. I have to admit that while they are terrible wrestlers and their costumes and personas are cheesy as hell, I'm still enjoying this group date more than most. The goofy costumes seem to be helping them remember that this is just for fun and not super serious, and they're actually enjoying it and having a good time. Marikh and Lauren B. do what I could only describe as "interpretive wrestling." It's all slow and graceful and seems like it needs a soft violin solo as a backing track.

After wrestling, Arie takes the girls to a swanky trailer park complete with a rustic barn with couches in it.  Krystal gets the first one on one time, and Arie straight up tells her she's sexy and that it's hard for him to focus on the other girls when she's on a group date. Dial it back a little Arie. Krystal asks if she should hang back a little on the group dates or be more aggressive, and Arie tells her "you do you" because either he's too much of a wuss to tell her what he wants, or because he wants to be a vague as possible to make her overthink it so she does something really dumb. I don't think he needs to worry about that with Krystal....she's gonna do something dumb no matter what. I can't tell if she's a crazy genius or if she's just straight crazy. The voice, the velvet hot pants get-up she has on, the strange questions (everyone having a good time tonight? Does everyone feel like they had quality time with Arie?)....it's all sort of crazy.

Speaking of crazy, Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which makes Krystal immediately think "I need to be more aggressive." Well done, Arie. Your vagueness let her create her own crazy narrative. Bekah hasn't been aggressive at all that I've seen. She just kinda does her thing and lets Arie come to her. Nonetheless, Krystal decides that the way to combat her laid back coolness is to get more in Arie's face and cause more of a scene. It's like seeing a guy talking to the designated driver at the bar and vowing to get drunker to get his attention.

Krystal has already decided that she and Arie are destined to be together and she's just gotta put up with these bitches for ABC's sake. She again vows to up the aggressiveness.

Lauren S. gets the one on one date. The date card says "you had me at merlot." Lauren says "I'm thinking this date has to do with wine." I'm thinking Lauren isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She shows up at the airport and Arie says he has a surprise for her. His surprise is that they're going to wine country. Worst. Surprise. Ever. You shocked literally no one. Lauren S. does her best to seem surprised, saying "shut up!" The date seems pretty wooden. Lauren says she hasn't been lost in the moment in a while, and maybe she's forgotten how to. I think it means she's not really into Arie.  Arie asks how she came to be on the Bachelor, and Lauren starts talking and may still be talking by the time you read this. Her story is about some specific work event, and then all of a sudden she says "by April, I was ready to be out." This somehow parlays into talking about her mom's eye infection and lord knows what else. She's sabotaging herself, but she doesn't really seem that upset about it. Arie then grabs the rose and tells her that he "really wanted this for us" but he's sorry he can't keep her away from her family.

That's a Bachelor series first! I've never seen the "family excuse" dumping used on anyone who wasn't a single parent. He basically just told her she needed to spend more time with her mommy. I'll never understand why the guy with all the power and a full stable of other ladies ready to date him back at the mansion feels the need to say things like "I wanted this so badly for us," or "I'd hate to keep you away from your family." That family thing is  bullshit, by the way. Whomever Arie picks has a family, I assume (unless it's Krystal.) I'd assume whomever it is loves their family and thinks that family is the "most important thing in the world." Is Arie going to move his mother-in-law to Scottsdale so as not to separate his bride to be from his mom? Of course not. So don't tell me that this six week vacation you're on is doing some irreparable harm to Lauren's relationship with her mom.

"Well, I used to be really close with my daughter, but then she went to Europe for a couple weeks and everything went to shit."

Krystal goes into mom mode and tells all the other women that Lauren S. was a beautiful soul and this shows how serious Arie is and blah blah blah. Really all that was was an excuse to mention to the women that she'd been on a one on one and a group date. Classic villain move.

The group date is a bunch of dogs. If I told you one of the girls on this date had a traumatic experience, you might think it would be someone other than Annaliese, because she's already had her trauma moment. Well, you'd be dead fucking wrong. Annaliese has apparently experienced every kind of trauma you can experience as a child. ABC raises the bar on reenactments by showing a tiny child and a growling dog. It really was Emmy worthy. Way to keep evolving, The Bachelor.

Anyways, the dog date sucks. I don't even understand what's going on. They're trying to make the dogs sit, but the dogs are wearing costumes? Is like a broadway production with dogs? How is it possible that none of these dogs understand simple commands like "sit?" Where did these dogs come from? I'm assuming Mexico, because their understanding of the English language was not good.

Arie and Annaliese have some of the worst one-on-one time in the history of the show. She's says she's nervous and she has a hard time reading him. Arie looks at the ceiling and says "yeah, it's hard. This place is cool though." That's pretty easy to read. In fairness, Annaliese gets the hint and grabs her jacket and pretty much starts booking a flight back home.

Arie and Becca then call each other dorks and Arie says he totally thought she was cool when she was hula hooping around her neck. They then kinda giggle at each other and make out. They're perfect for each other and quite possibly nobody else in the world.

Also, can we talk about Arie stroking everyone's collar bone when he's talking to them? What is that? I feel like it's a middle school move of "I want to touch your boob but I'm scared to tell you that so I'm just going to get as close as possible to let you know my intention and hope you take it from there."

Bibiana sets up an outdoor bed. She says "being in a cabana and gazing at the stars" is her. Tragically, Lauren B. stumbles across it and takes advantage. Bibiana comes to check out why her bear trap caught the wrong bear, but in maybe the cruelest twist, Arie asks her to give him and Lauren five more minutes. Bibiana deadpans to the camera "the struggle is real." Bibiana gets my rose this week and every week. She's like a human meme.

Bibiana's bed worked so well for Arie with Lauren B., he uses it again to get Bekah horizontal. It's almost like Bibiana is his personal date doctor. "Trust me dude, you get these girls on this bed and looking through the telescope, and they'll let you touch a lot more than their collarbone. I mean, it'd work on me......I could show you....please let me show you......"

Annaliese has decided that she's gotta kiss Arie if she has any chance of coming back next week. She leads him on a tour of the mansion and asks him for a kiss because she's heard that the girls have to make the first move, and Arie straight up shuts her down. As if that isn't a big enough sign that he's not that into her, she needs to hear from him that he's dumping her.

Once Annaliese opens the door for herself to go home, Arie walks right on through. "I hadn't thought much about sending you home, but now that you bring it up, yes. I think you should go home."
  
Bachelor Life Lesson #684: Never make it easy for the guy to dump you. Asking him if he's thinking about dumping you is a great way to do that.

In the end, Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittney, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jaclyn, and Marikh get the roses. My personal favorites Annaliese and Bibiana are sent packing along with Lauren S.

This week's top 4: Bekah, Becca, Chelsea, and Tia. They all put up strong showings.

Bachelor 2018, Week 2: Bumper Car Trauma

They should never air this show on the same night as the national championship. It just sucks.

Arie is riding a motorcycle as the girls talk about how much of a hunk he is. Harrison hypes the girl up and they girls giggle uncontrollably as he whips the date card out of his back pocket.

Do the Damn Thing Becca gets the first one on one! I'm 0-1 on my fantasy picks (I had Annaliese.) Arie and Becca ride off into the California foothills on his motorcycle. Back at the house, Chelsea says she loves the adrenaline of putting herself behind something that might be a little more powerful than her. I immediately picture her at a gun range getting all geeked as she fires round after round into a dummy as she pictures whatever person had the misfortune of getting on her bad side that day. Chelsea scares the shit out of me.

Not to be outdone though, Krystal goes full Debbie Downer, saying that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and that she's seen "a lot of people who were killed or lost body parts." That wouldn't stop her from going on the motorcycle, mind you....but she would have to pull Arie aside to let him know about these hundreds of dismembered motorcyclists that she's come across. "It's probably a good thing he didn't pick you then" one girl quips, and I instantly like her more even though I can't remember her name (I think it's Sienne, like the minivan only cooler).

Becca's date consists of a trip to try on dresses with celebrity designer Rachel Zoe, who I had to google because I'd never heard of her. I saw a tweet earlier today where she thanked Arie for having her on the show, but I assumed she was like a Lifetime Channel reality show host or something. Turns out she's got more followers than there are residents in the state of Oregon, and she is kind of a big deal. Becca says that Minnesotans don't have days like this very often, and I don't know how to break it to her that celebrity designers don't personally select your dress for your first date with a minor celebrity in Oregon or Texas or New York all that often either.

Arie then gives her a pair of Louboutins and Neil Lane sends some random guy with a case full of jewelry to complete the ensemble. Every man in the world is like "I once had a pair of Jordans that came in a case like that." As a guy who would rather wear a hoodie and Chuck Taylors, I never understand the allure of putting a $3,000 pair of shoes on. Walking on a couple mortgage payments seems like a bad idea.

Even better, ABC sends her back to the mansion to show off all the swag that Arie didn't buy her (ABC picked up the tab). The girls are way more jealous of the fact that she got dresses and shoes than that she spent time with Arie. At dinner, Becca says she spent "seven years on and off" in a relationship. Arie asks what made it a seven year relationship, and it's because he was dating her when her dad died of brain cancer. I don't know what the percentage of people in their 20's whose fathers have passed away, but according to The Bachelor, roughly 50% of the country is fatherless or orphaned before they can rent a car.

Krystal gets the next one on one, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Becca got a motorcycle ride, Krystal gets a private jet. Arie's taking her to Scottsdale. Krystal is loving getting the tour of Arie's first job at Pizza Hut, his first kiss under some trees on side of a random street (really, Arie?) and Arie spent a lot of time in the principal's office. Such a bad boy. Arie has a bunch of photos of him as a child and old videos of him at his house, which is super weird because nobody my age I know has these photos in their house...those stay at the parents until they die, right? Given that this is The Bachelor, it's safe to assume Arie's parents died traumatically, but that's not the case...they're off to meet the 'rents. Arie says that this is the first time he's brought a girl home since Emily. I don't now if he meant the first time he's brought a girl and a film crew, but c'mon man.

Arie's parents have been married for 36 years. Krystal immediately says "I'm sure it hasn't all been rainbows, right?" GTFO, Krystal. This is a super beef of mine, that it's just assumed that everyone who is married has big fights and comes close to breaking up and that you have to "survive" a marriage. It's just not the case. Krystal drops the ominous "I'm not close to my family, and I know that's important to Arie." The girl with the heart of gold that gives random paper bags to homeless people doesn't have room in her life for her family? I can't wait to hear this story.

Good thing it's time for the emotional dinner! Krystal's parents divorced when she was really young. She calls it "non traditional." Her dad wasn't part of her life, and her mom was there but "emotionally unavailable." She had to buy herself a blanket at nine years old. Her brother is homeless and got beat up. His hair got singed somehow. She wanted to help him, but he just wanted a bus ticket to Venice. This being The Bachelor, I immediately thought Italy and that it was a strange place to send your homeless brother. Futhermore, if my brother was living on the streets and wanted a bus ticket to go live on the streets again, I'd tell him to stop being dumb and come live with me.

Krystal gets a rose and a concert from Connor Duermit who despite having 2,500 Twitter followers to Rachel Zoe's 3.8 million is every bit as famous as her in my eyes because I'd never heard of either of them before tonight. She's on cloud 9 and is convinced that her relationship is stronger than anyone elses.

Krystal is worried that jealousy will creep in if she tells the girls about their date, so she opts for being coy and evasive about what happened on the date, which of course makes the girls think that she's hiding something amazing and makes them super jealous.

Here's a tip: Girls just don't like other girls, especially other girls that have something that they want. I just had a conversation with my daughter tonight about how her best friend at school told her she wanted to play with someone new today, but then she played with McKenna who isn't new at all and somehow this was McKenna's fault for stealing her BFF. THEY ARE SIX YEARS OLD. There's a lot of talk about how girls are taught to not support one another by the media and society (I guess this means men) but damned if I can figure out how my daughter figured this out watching My Little Pony and Mosha and the Bear. I think it's just ingrained in them the way it's ingrained in boys that peeing outside is more fun than peeing inside.

Group date time....time to drive cars for a demolition derby. Somehow the sight of a 36 year old man driving a beat up 4-door sedan with flames painted on the side drives these women crazy. In Albany that would land you a post on Albany Happenings with someone telling other women that they need to watch out for the sketch dude with the flames on his car cuz he's probably a tweaker. The girls are mostly having fun decorating their cars and driving around slamming into trash cans to prepare. Bibiana screams "I don't even have a license!" as she plows through a trash can. She then says she wants to do this when she gets back to Miami, which should make every pedestrian nervous.

Annaliese is not having fun though. She's having flashbacks to a traumatic bumper car experience she had as a child. If you came here looking for me to make fun of her, you're going home dissappointed, because THE SAME SHIT HAPPENED TO ME. It was at Oaks Park in about 1985 or 1986. Somehow I got hit and my funny bone went numb. Scared the hell out of me and I started crying. The crying kid on the bumper car track is like chum in the water around a bunch of great white sharks. Kids two or three times my age were taking full runs at me from across the arena and lighting my ass up. My mom risked her life running out amongst these bloodthirsty savages to rescue her first born.

Annaliese, you are not alone. I too am a survivor of bumper car trauma.

Chris Harrison then ruins my somber vibe by saying "Annaliese just took a big one in the back" and I can't take it seriously anymore. Thanks for that sophomoric slap to the face, Chris.

 

Chelsea gets the first one on one time at the after party, and uses it to tell Arie that she's a single mom. It's a big deal for her, and Arie lets her know he's taking it seriously by making out with her. Close your eyes, Sammy...it's time for Mama to get down to business.

While the other girls go and talk to Arie, Bibiana spends her time watching and making snide comments about not getting time. This then gets to the point where she just quits on the night, saying "it's too late, do you really think I want to talk to him like this?" Classic "I'd rather quit than fail" response. Bekah the braless nanny gets a really involved kiss, but Sienne gets the rose because she went to Yale. Seriously, I think that's why she got a rose. Arie thinks she's smart. Let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Stay in school, bust your ass and get a degree from an Ivy League school, and you too could impress a guy with a high school diploma who drives cars and used to work at Pizza Hut. Sky's the limit, ladies.

At the cocktail party, Arie presents Brittany with a certificate for being "Most Hardcore," He then greets Braless Bekah by saying "where do you want to go?" The guy was seriously so excited to get her alone, I thought he was going to take her to like his private villa thing down the hill, or maybe just bail on the rest of the ceremony and take her to a hotel, but no...they go to the front porch, where they act like a couple of teenagers talking about how they didn't think the other liked them and then kissing and touching each other in places that are appropriate but hint that you'd like to inappropriately touch them.

Krystal then wants to say hi after not seeing him for a few days, and Bibiana is still glued to the couch and getting pissed. In fairness, she's not the only one that is pissed that a girl with a rose wants to talk to Arie. You'd think that after 22 seasons of the same shit happening these girls would not be shocked, but here we are. Bibiana is burning all the goodwill she had with me flipping out about this.

Finally, Bibiana gets her time! It's a pretty mundane conversation, but then Krystal interrupts Bibiana and SHIT. IS. ON. Bibiana clearly thinks every girl in the room has her back, but as nobody pipes up to support her, she keeps giving nervous glances like "c'mon girls, you're with me, right? RIGHT?" and getting no support whatsoever. I think maybe she's realizing that she's out on this limb by herself, but then she stands up and yells "mic drop!" and walks out. You can't fake mic drop yourself, can you? Anyways, she's convinced that the only reason she could possibly go home is Krystal's meddling, and vows to come find her after the show. Bibiana is crazy.

Roses go to Becca, Krystal, Sienne, Maquel, Jaclyn, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Lauren B., Annaliese, Kendall, Hardcore champion Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana! I'm happy that she's sticking around for more crazy moments, but we could've had one REALLY crazy moment if she'd gone home. In this case, I'll take quantity over quality.

Gone are Lauren G., Valerie, and Jenny, who doesn't even say good bye to Arie as she ghosts him on the way out the door. Arie of course follows her and says "give me a hug at least" as he hugs her as she stands straight as a statue. There was not comforting her there, Arie. Arie tells her her's not feeling it and that he's gotta make tough choices. Jenny says that this thing isn't for her, and that she made some friends and Arie says "hope you find what you're looking for" and hugs her  emotionless body again. Jenny says this is the first time she's ever been dumped, which seems doubtful since she's single and on a reality show trying to hook a husband. Good luck though.

We close with a clip of Kendall introducing Arie to one of the animals in her taxidermy collection. It's a seal named Mugatu. "He's kinda janky because he's vintage." I expected to be weirded out by her taxidermy collection, but this is actually super interesting to me and I wonder if she's named all her animals and if she's created personality traits for all of them.

So yeah, if I'm Arie, I'm giving her a one on one date next week.

Bachelor 2018, Episode 1: I Literally Hate this Season

Let's get the cliches out of the way early: Love is like a race. This is the most important race of Arie's life.

Who is Arie you ask? The second most famous person named Arie Luyendyk. Arie Sr. is a two time Indy 500 winner. Arie Jr. sucks at kissing and reality shows. I'll bet his dad is always like "you know, I didn't need ABC to hook me up to date 25 women at a time son. Step your game up."

We get a recap of Arie's first go round on this show, which is a good reminder that Emily Maynard was the absolute WORST at breaking up with people. It was basically sit them down and then start crying and don't say anything. Then the guy would be like "welp I'm out" and then she'd say "don't go, why you gotta be like that?" EVERY TIME. It was just as painful five years later.

Oh by the way, it's been five years since Arie was on the show. If you've been on this show in the last five years and got passed over for the Kissing Bandit, you have nobody to blame but yourself. A half decade of dudes weren't good enough to get picked over this jamoke.  Even after getting dumped by Emily, he flew to her house and left his journal on her doorstep. In any other situation, an ex-boyfriend leaving his (probably heavily edited) love journal on the doorstep of your house where your young child lives is probably grounds for a restraining order.

Arie has apparently moved on from his brief stalker phase, and is now in real estate...which means he borrowed some money from his dad and bought some houses....news flash, it's going well for Arie.

After some very generic advice from Sean and Catherine (basically be yourself, be respectful, don't forget you're 36 and way too old be acting like a horny college kid), we get to meet some ladies!

Chelsea is 29 and from Portland, Maine. She's a single mom. As she makes a healthy meal for her young son, she wants a man who is going to teach her toddler to be a good dad. The next shot is of her at a bar drinking hooch with her girlfriends. Looking for a guy to be the parent so she can reclaim the years she lost being a single mom. Got it.

Caroline is 26 and has sold $5M in real estate in under a year, which apparently means she's really good at her job. Zillow says the Ft. Lauderdale market sucks, so maybe she is good at her job. Or maybe she sold one $5M house to like a rich friend of her parents as a favor. Who knows. She awkwardly strokes the head the baby of a couple of clients. If my realtor touched my infant, I'd think about getting a new realtor, but that's just me. Again, maybe they’re friends, and she pressured them into buying a house so she could seem successful. I am super skeptical of everyone on a reality show.

Maquel has a weird name and is from Utah. She's also 13 years younger than Arie...so good luck. She'll stick around for a while because she's pretty attractive, but if I'm stereotyping a young cute blond from a small city in Utah, I'm guessing she's led a fairly sheltered life.

Up next is a skydiving nurse from South Carolina named Nysha who loves getting gunshot victims because "the more blood the better." She looks like she weighs about 87 pounds. I don't see her and Arie being compatible.

Remember Raven from Bachelor in Paradise? Well, apparently they couldn't get her to come back on, so they got her best friend Tia from small-town Arkansas to come on and play the small town southern belle on the show. She likes to shoot guns and farm and stuff.

Kendall from Los Angeles likes dead animals (she collects taxidermy) and plays the ukulele. She also wears tight pants and crop tops. Avoid at all costs, Arie.

Up next is Bekah, who is basically a cross between Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell, and your next door neighbor from back home. She's a nanny who is also a badass rock climber. America is already in love with this lady. She'll end up getting dumped on a 2 on 1 most likely and will get a very lengthy segment on After the Final Rose where she will get a bigger ovation than whomever Arie picks.

Up next is Marikh who likes to spar with pink gloves in public places. She also "owns" an Indian restaurant with her mom. Her mom is sweating over a hot stove while Marikh just hangs out in a cute dress and distracts her mom from the meal she's preparing. I don't like Marikh.

Krystal is an online fitness coach. She sets up a camera and goes through a workout by herself on a beach. Being an online fitness coach looks super lonely and kinda sad. Even sadder though, her brother is homeless and doesn't want her help, so she gives healthy snacks to other homeless people. Krystal's life seems exhausting and sad. I hope things work out for her, but it probably won't be on this show.

Limo time! One of the girls tells the others that "one of us could LITERALLY be engaged to Arie." The word literally is literally overused. My son has adopted the word literally into his daily vocabulary, and so now every time I hear someone use it in a place that it doesn't really need to be used, I think "that's something a fourth grade boy would say."

The limos show up, and there's lots of screaming and "he's such a stud" comments.

Super realtor Caroline does a decent ice breaker with the "we're both realtors and maybe at the end of this we'll both be off the market" joke. It goes over well.

Chelsea the single mom comes out and goes super serious and says "there's a lot to get to know," but doesn't really elaborate. It was sorta ominous.

Kendall the taxidermy lover is next and is so nervous she can't even be weird. That was not a good intro.

New to the show Sienne is next. Her favorite animal is an elephant, so she gives him elephant cufflinks and tells him elephants represent loyalty and are a symbol of good luck. Plus they never forget! I love stuff like this. Say Arie just doesn't really like her, or isn't super into the animal symbolism. Is he now obligated to wear some weird themed cufflinks that mean nothing to him? If he doesn't come find her later, or forgets her name, is she going to be like "God Damnit! Elephants never forget! How come he couldn't remember me?" I've already turned Sienne into "Weird Elephant Lady" in my mind. I hope every episode has a clip of her telling Arie or the other girls some random facts about elephants.

Next is Raven Tia. She proclaims that she's from Weiner, Arkansas and then presents him with a toy weiner. I couldn't tell if it was a hot dog or a penis, but she says "please tell me you don't already have a little weiner...." so definitely a penis. Tia is going to kill me all season.

Bibiana is up next. She's got an accent and goes with a lame "you have my heart racing," gag. She is a bundle of nervous energy as she gushes to the camera about how her babies will have blue eyes like Arie and yada yada yada. I like her. She's my favorite so far.

Bri from Portland, Oregon is up next. She tosses him a softball because she used to play softball and is also a sports reporter. She covers the Ducks from Comcast Sports Northwest, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to like her or not.

Things start moving pretty quick from there. One girl slaps a "nice butt" bumper sticker on his ass and says "you don't put a bumper sticker on a ferrari, but why not an Arie?"

Krystal the super emotional fitness coach makes him close his eyes and place his hands on his heart and give thanks for the moment. Krystal is exhausting.

Chelsea the single mom says that "the hair is down and the boobs are out." She laments that every girl is gorgeous and that she "wants to feel insecure, but there's not threat." Chelsea is 100% insecure of her mom bod. Chill out, Chelsea. She's not gonna last long.

America's sweetheart Bekah isn't content owning the hearts of 85% of America, so she shows up in a 1965 Mustang convertible and captures the other 15%. Bekah is killing it. This show could be wrapped up by the second hour tonight.

Jenna shows up and says that she's "actually pretty happy with hour her life is going." Good sign, I guess. She then does a lot of hand motions and gestures to explain that she is missing a big strong man in her life. Jenna commands your attention. The other girls are going to hate her.

Jessica is a TV host and apparently acts like it even when she's not on local television at 6 am. Super perky, gives Arie a rock and acts like it's the coolest rock ever. Jessica is super high energy.

Becca makes Arie get down on one knee and ask her if she's ready to "do the damn thing." Well I missed that question in the fantasy league this week. Damnit Becca. I can't be mad at her though, she's pretty fun. I like her.

There's still a whole limo to go? Goodness. The first of the Laurens (there's always a handful of Laurens) shows up and is fun. Then another Lauren shows up and looks like she's about 40 years old. She kinda looks like Diane Sawyer. A third Lauren who is also blonde shows up. Fortunately the fourth Lauren is black and will not be mixed up with Diane Sawyer Lauren or the two young blonde Laurens.

Ashley gives him a checkered flag and there's some "finish line" jokes. Arie dryly remarks to himself that the race car jokes crack him up. I love that a majority of America thinks that making the most obvious joke or commenting about the most well known thing about a person is the way to win them over. It'd be like someone trying to impress me by commenting on my lovely white head of hair. I get it, I'm young to have the same hair color as Santa. You will not be guaranteed a second date by comparing me to Santa.

Spray Tan Amber says "she's seen a lot of dicks." Ali makes him smell her armpits. Some girl wearing a mask (because Arie was the kissing bandit, duh) shows up obviously not really 100% on board with being dubbed the mask girl. Does she wear it all night, or reveal her face during their one on one time?

Maquel shows up in an Indy Car, but she's not even driving it! She's like a passenger in the back seat like a damn kid. Maquel is going to be a frequent target of my snarky comments I think.

Bekah finally gives America a reason to maybe question their love for her a little bit as she rolls her eyes and says "I'm not concerned with these other girls at all" as she seductively swirls her whiskey and takes a healthy swig. Actually who am I kidding, this makes her even more awesome.

TV host Jessica makes the second "literally" comment, saying she "literally couldn't stop staring" at Arie. Jessica does not get a rose from me.

Finally the introductions are over as all 29 women are in the house. 29! Why do we have so many? It just means that we don't get to know most of them. I think the show would be better with 20 women max, but nobody asks me....at least not yet.

Single mom Chelsea steals the first one on one time. She refers to herself as mysterious. Who describes themselves as mysterious? She's interrupted by Maquel, and Chelsea is "not surprised" because "of course the girl that shows up in a race car would interrupt me." She refers to Maquel as the girl who makes all the noise," and LITERALLY (see what I did there?) no other girl has any clue who she's talking about.


Indian Marikh says that she was super nervous, but once she saw Arie she was "instantly calm." I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Some girl whose name I think is Brittany "low key" has a surprise for him. I don't think that's how you use that term correctly. Anyways, her low key surprise is a couple of battery powered cars for kids that they race around the driveway. This leads to her getting a kiss and quickly saying "you ARE a good kisser." She then gushes that "he LITERALLY has the softest fucking lips ever." Shoot me now. At least she didn't say that she was going to keep it 100.

Mama Chelsea is pissed. Someone other than her got the first kiss. Maybe if you had used your time to kiss him rather than trying to pretend you're some sort of mysterious secret agent with classified information, you'd have gotten further along.

Taxidermy Kendall apparently smuggled a ukulele in her dress....where did that come from?

Black Rachel makes him close his eyes and jams some food in his mouth and says "guess what fruit that is." It's a pineapple, one of the most easily recognizable flavors in the world. She then tells him pineapple is her safe word. What. The. Hell.

Jenna the hand gesture girl is still moving around all over the place. She either drank 45 Red Bulls in an effort to stay up all night at this cocktail party or is on drugs. She's super entertaining though, and keeps giving Arie that "you keep me around and I'll get naked" look, so not surprisingly Arie is kinda into her.

Mask girl is named Annalise, and she's having a normal conversation with Arie once he takes off the mask. She doesn't come off as the kind of person who would've preferred to wear a mask, She's in my top 5 right now for sure.

Do the Damn Thing Becca brought index cards with questions from her mom to ask Arie. Different, but I can dig it. Becca's a top 5er too.

Seems like there's an inordinate amount of real estate professionals on the show. I'm wondering if this is intentional because ABC is already planning a Flip or Flop style show with Arie and his new Bride to be buying and selling houses together....hmmmm.

The first impression rose comes out, and it becomes a massive rush to talk to Arie. Krystal congratulates him on being the Bachelor and says "that's so exciting!" Arie quickly says "we don't have a lot of time, I'd like to know more about you." First thing out of her mouth is not about her job or her pets or her family or where she's from or her fears or her most embarrassing moment....nope. She says "I'm a Libra."

Way to maximize your time, Krystal.

Chelsea, who was so pissed she got interrupted by Maquel, is now interrupting people. How quickly the shoe shifts to the other foot. Chelsea is basically telling Arie what he needs to do and that she's always going to be there for him....then sticks her tongue in his mouth. God damn I hope her son never sees this....that was ridiculous. To double down on her ridiculousness, she then strolls back into the room and says "you guys, I just met Arie for the second time! He's still cool and down to Earth," as if it's been years since she was with him and not two hours. Not exactly #momsohard right now, Chelsea.

TV host Jessica lost her dad a few years ago, but don't worry, he met Arie, so he approves. No explanation of how her dad met Arie, or why they cheered for him during Emily's season, or why she and her dad were bffs and bonded over the Bachelor. You gotta follow up on some of this stuff, Arie.

America's Sweetheart Bekah asks Arie to list three things that make him excited to be alive, and the first thing he says is EXCITEMENT. I can't even comprehend that level of dumb.

After that, he says pizza.

Bekah says mountains and the smell of pine trees,  the feeling where you like someone but you don't know if they like you.....Bekah's playing chess and Arie's playing checkers.

First impression rose comes out and it goes to.......single mom Chelsea? Arie this was not a good choice.

Chelsea says she is not a competitive person, but when she sees something she wants, she goes for it.

Sad Fitness Coach Krystal thinks that if she hadn't let Chelsea interrupt her, it'd be her getting the rose instead. Her life is LITERALLY one tragedy after another. Good thing she stays so positive.

Roses go to Single Mom Chelsea (first impression), Do the Damn Thing Becca, Indian Marikh, Taxidermy Kendall, Black Lauren, Tragic Fitness Coach Krystal, America's Sweetheart Bekah, one of the young blonde Laurens, an Elephant Never Forgets Sienne, $5M real estate Caroline, Brittany the literal lip kisser, My favorite Bibiana, Masked woman Annalise, Red Bull Jenna,  Punk Disney Princess Valerie, Jaclyn (?), Jenny (?), other young blonde Lauren, Ashley (?), Not Raven Tia, and Utah Maquel.

Gone are Spray Tan Amber, Pit Sniffer Ali, TV host Jessica, Oregon Bri, Diane Sawyer Lauren, and a host of other girls who never made an impression on the show at all.

In the race for the most tragic exit on the first night, it's a tie between TV host Jessica crying that now that Arie has rejected her, her long dead dad will never meet her husband, and Spray Tan Amber thinking she screwed up and let down her family because her mom told her it was "her turn."

As Arie said to close the show out.....let the journey begin!