Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Bachelorette Season Twelve, Episode 6: Living in a Post-Chadpocalyptic World

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while something comes before Bachelor Nation for me.  Last night, that thing was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game on ESPN.  I generally don't like missing opportunities to watch Mike Trout do things like this.  I haven't even fired up the DVR yet, and I'm already missing Chad.  But thankfully, a new episode of the show means no more Chris Harrison tweeting about soccer.  He's the worst.  Look at some of these tweets!



We're starting out alright here......



Nice....predicting a win! He believes!



Uh....I get that he's trying to be funny, but he sure sounds like he's backing out on his bold prediction of a U.S. upset pretty quickly.



Alright, so maybe he didn't believe so much......


Jesus dude...we get it.  We're not as good as Argentina.



OK man, shut the hell up now.  This wasn't the 1992 Dream Team playing Angola in the Tournament of the Americas.  But what's even better was how quickly he turned on Argentina when they struggled against Chile in the finals:



A JOKE!

Alright, let's finally get into this episode:

We start with a trip to Argentina, where JoJo tells us that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love.  Harrison tells us that, for the first time in history, we are going to have a second two-on-one date.  The guys of course freak out.  Redneck Vanilla Ice is all "on the two-on-one, someone goes home immediately after the date," as if nobody has ever seen the show before.  I guess on the off chance that some random person just turned on a show that's been on the air for 20 years for the very first time tonight, that was helpful.  Thanks, Ice.  Someone else quips that two-on-one's are "no mas....not good."  Nope...that's not what no mas means, buddy.  Good try though.

Wells gets our first date, and lets all the other guys know that he hasn't kissed her yet.  All the guys react more or less like people in the crowd at an and-1 tour basketball game when someone gets dunked on. We then get nearly everyone involved in the show telling us that Wells HAS to kiss her immediately to get it out of the way or the pressure will be so immense that the sheer weight of the moment will crush him and he'll never be able to live up to the expectations in JoJo's mind.  Nevermind the fact that Wells hasn't had a one-on-one date yet to really get the chance to get her alone.....I think the only time he did have a chance was when he was possibly suffering from heat stroke after the firefighter date.

Anyways, their date involves wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and not kissing, until they end up at something called Brute Force, which is like basically some 15 year old kids wet dream.  It involves hot women in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around, followed by starring in your own action movie where you get shot, but everyone else dies.  What the hell was that?  You're running on a treadmill, you get fake shot, but then the ladies you pass on the street are the ones that collapse?  Other countries are weird.  I wonder what we do here in America for entertainment that the rest of the world thinks is just crazy.....my vote is for themed running events.  Like you can't run in our race unless you wear a mustache, or are being chased by zombies, or some other strange thing.  I get that a ton of people love to run, but it's like the water of exercise....you should never pay for it.

Anyways, Wells finally gets his kiss when he gets his chance to be a woman in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around with JoJo.  JoJo is so proud of him for kissing her, and it looks like the guys were right.  He missed his window.  Further compounding the problem at dinner, Wells says that his last relationship fizzled and it got to the point that he was more or less living with his best friend.  JoJo says "I think that the person that I marry, that passion will always be there.  Like no matter how long we're together, I'm going to look at him and say "he's still the hottest guy in the world to me."  Jesus, I hope my wife never thought that.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up, so I took a stroll through memory lane looking at pictures of our wedding, and no joke my first reaction (after saying "who the hell are some of these people and why did we invite them to our wedding?") was "damn, I really thought I looked much better on that day than I actually did." Again, this is a good reminder to not base your relationships on the advice of a 24 year old girl on a reality show.  Nonetheless, she's still got pie in the sky hopes for her relationship, and Wells is much more of a realist.  Plus he's kind of a prude.  So he's gone.  And with that, my favorite remaining guy is toast.

Group date time.  The group date involves playing soccer on the streets of Argentina.  James spends the entire time talking about how much better looking the other guys are, and how much of a dork he is and on and on and on and on.  How he's not cool like them....how he doesn't feel like he deserves to be there.....how he can't compare to any of them.  It was really pathetic to listen to actually.  Then, he gets some alone time with JoJo, and lays out that Jordan acted like a dick in a game of poker.  When JoJo presses him for more details, he just kinda says "ya know...he's Jordan Rodgers.  He's on magazines (what magazine is that?), he's the be-all-end-all.' and then mumbles a lot until he says "gosh you're pretty, can I kiss you now?"  If you have to ask, you don't deserve it man.  This lack of confidence thing is killing me.

JoJo wants to get to the bottom of this, so she calls Jordan aside and says "James told me you were acting entitled during a poker game...what's up/"  Jordan's a little taken aback, and frankly so am I.  Have we ever had the Bachelorette or Bachelor straight up roll over on their informant like that?  Also, there's gotta be footage of this poker game, right?  One of the other guys had to be in the room, right?  Where's their commentary on the incident?  Where's the grainy security cam feed?  C'mon ABC!

In the end, Redneck Ice gets the rose.  It really wasn't in doubt....JoJo was pretty much giving him a handy through his jeans during their one-on-one portion.  All the while, Redneck Ice is stream of consciousness talking about moments and being with her makes him happy that he doesn't care if it's only five minutes a week and how its crazy that the two of them found each other on a reality show and I don't even know why he's still talking since she's running her hand up his groin.......She's already accepted your offer dude, stop trying to persuade her!

Finally we get our two-on-one between Chase and Derek.  Chase and Derek both suck, so this is a toss up.  Chase is just kind of that guy that never really does anything to distinguish himself, and Derek is that guy who thinks the other guys are too macho and he's the sensitive one that understands her better than any other guy ever could, and just has an insanely inflated view of himself, but thinks it's OK because he masks it in a quiet, calm demeanor.

They go to a tango dancing lesson, and really all I want in my life is that dance instructor say "yes!" over my shoulder all day while I do daily activities.  With her accent, it sounds like "jess....jess!" and she sounds so goddamned sincere in her praise for their bad dancing, it's no wonder Derek thinks he's nailing it.  I swear to God if she followed me around while I mowed the lawn, my grass would be immaculate all the time.  "jess Andeee, zat is muy bueno!"

In the end, JoJo has only one rose to give, and she gives it to Chase, which was the right decision, because he wouldn't have cried in the van like that ninny Derek!  As some Madonna wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina," Derek says stupid things like "Obviously Chase is more her type, and that's why he got the rose," and "that's not me...I'm just Derek, and Derek is imperfect" as tears run down his cheek and he scolds himself for crying.  I'll bet when he walked into his office this morning, everyone who watched the show just bit their lip and muttered "Don't cry" to him as he passes their desk.  What a moron.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, where Jordan tells JoJo his intent is to propose to her at the end of the season, which of course she eats up.  James knows he's in trouble now....and launches into another round of "I'm not worthy" comments.  Take your crappy arm tattoo and your guitar and go, James.

JoJo gives roses to Jordan, and Robby, who join Redneck Ice and Chase as safe....leaving Alex, who really didn't get a chance to go full arrogant short man now that Chad is gone, and James "I'm not Worthy" Taylor.  JoJo has a fake panic attack and demands another rose.  She claims it's because she's too conflicted to send one home, but in reality this had to happen because we have another show to fill before hometowns and Well's one-on-one departure created a one dude shortage that the producers must've not anticipated.  I mean, they even made JoJo go to a concert by herself that she was supposed to hit up with Wells.  At least I finally got an answer to my question about if the elaborate nightcap to dates get used even if the guy doesn't get  rose.

Oh, and I still miss Chad

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Monday, June 20, 2016

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 5: Alex is the New Chad

Two weeks removed from Chad whistling in the woods like Omar through the streets of Baltimore, we're finally back, and the guys are having a funeral for The Chad.  They chuck his protein powder off the deck and basically celebrate the fact he's gone....except he's not.  Hilarity ensues as Evan, who looks like he has flecks of protein powder all over his shirt, says "I hope he's not here for his protein powder."  Jordan says "now would be a great time for you to be genuinely sorry and make those of us moving on feel better."  Jordan can't help himself.  He should just walk away but instead he keeps rubbing it in Chad's face that Chad's going home and he's staying.  Wimpy Evan, who would cross the street if he ever saw Chad coming down the sidewalk towards him, feels like a real tough guy when he's surrounded by the other guys dating the girl he wants, and says "you got your wallet? 'Cause you owe me a shirt."  Evan, you owe me an apology for taking up screen time.

Chad finally leaves (more like a lamb than a lion), and the guys have some sort of rave/cupcake party to celebrate.  This is weird.

At the cocktail party, JoJo cautions the guys that Chad's departure should let them know that she's serious about this process.  Chase and JoJo bounce around in some balls, Robby feels like he's miles ahead of the other guys, which is weird, because America just logged on to abc.com to remember who he was.  He gets a kiss though, and all the other guys see it.  Hilariously, they just kind of sit there and sip their drinks and stare, avoiding eye contact with each other......almost like they're at a seedy strip club.

Some guy I don't recognize (James F.)  wants to read JoJo a poem:

Her heart is like a treasure, her dream's not far away.  And whenever she decides to had someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she.

He claims he wrote this poem weeks ago for her and it's just something he couldn't keep to himself anymore. I just love the juxtaposition of a boxer writing poems.

Not to be outdone, Luke the Soldier lets her know how much faster his heart beats when he sees her.  Tough guys show their soft side!  AWWWWWWWWW.

Jordan's having none of it.  He shows his horny side by shoving her in a corner and loving up on her.  Evan's all mad that the guys are cutting in front of him....yet makes no attempt to remove himself from the bar.  I hate it when this happens.  There's literally nothing preventing you from interrupting someone or waiting outside the door to grab some time with her.  In fact, I'm sure the producers would love it if you'd just barge in there and say "sorry bro, you know how it is!" I also love the guys starting to realize that there's a little Chad in all of them.  Release the beast guys!

Jordan, Luke, and Alex have roses, and they're joined by Derek, Robby and Chase, who are all so similar they might as well be triplets.  Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously?), and James Taylor land roses, leaving James the Boxing Poet, Damn Daniel, and Evan (who says his heart is "on blast," which definitely doesn't mean what he thinks it means),  to sweat out the final rose.  In the end, it's Evan who was worried he didn't have enough time with her to make an impact.  I think that's exactly why he won though....she hasn't had enough time to see how he's basically Captain America before he gets the super serum, only he's also got Ted Cruz's personality.

James the Boxing Poet learns that girls really don't like poetry as much as romantic comedies made him think they do, and he's shocked he's going home.  Daniel says something incoherent, and that's that.  JoJo lets the guys know they're "going international." Cue B-Legit and Too $hort!

Apparently they're going to some place in Uruguay....where "South America's super-elite go to play." You know the guys are saying "please let it be Monaco or Ibiza or some other place I've even heard of." I promise you not one of those guys could identify Uruguay on a map.  I feel confident in this, because I couldn't identify Uruguay on a map.  Had no clue it was on the coast.  Could've sworn it was landlocked.  Go figure.

Evan says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean.  Didn't realize Uruguay was an island, idiot.  Uruguay looks way more modern than I expected.  Robby says The Grand Hotel is....Grand.  Robby also would like you know that blue whales are blue, the Great Lakes are great, and that a harbor seal lives in a harbor.  Jordan gets the one on one date, and the guys are pretty much like "screw that guy." Basically it's Jordan's fault that he played football and that the producers put him on two sports themed group dates. Jesus they need to get these guys something to do while they wait around.  It's like they're so bored they have nothing better to do than hate on whomever isn't in the room at the time.  I know...let's let them read a magazine!  What's that?  The only magazine they have is an In Touch mag with an exclusive interview with JoJo's ex that says he was hooking up with her the entire time she was filming the Bachelor?  DRAMA.  Of course these super secure, manly guys are going to shrug this off as a dude who is a little bitter that his super hot ex girlfriend is a household name looking to get a little fame of his own, right? I suppose that might happen.....right after Evan leaves the show to track Chad down for his $20 for his shirt.  This is about HONOR.

Back on the one-on-one, JoJo knows a girl that dated Jordan, and heard he was a shitty boyfriend.  After making out with him for a while, she suddenly decides it's time to confront Jordan about his past relationships.  JoJo's like "you weren't a great boyfriend" and Jordan's like "yeah, well that was then, and I'm different now." JoJo says "did you cheat?" and Jordan says "No." and JoJo says "I wish I could read your mind," because apparently she doesn't understand the word "No." Clearly she doesn't believe him.  Jordan says "if I cheated, it was emotionally." and all of a sudden JoJo's totally cool with everything.  So....don't make out with any girls, but flirt all you want?  I don't really understand what the purpose of this whole conversation was.

JoJo's still on Cloud 9 from her date with Jordan....until a producer slaps the magazine in front of her and says 'we need to address this...the guys have seen this." Jojo's response is perfect "My guys?!?!?" Holy crap lady....get over yourself.  Also, these producers have no shame at all.  JoJo goes to tell the guys that her ex is a bad person and the guys are like "this is a total non-issue, don't sweat it." OH MY GOD.  Alex even has the audacity to talk about how crazy it is to talk about a relationship in a public forum.  YOU'RE ON A REALITY SHOW! ALL ANYONE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.  I'm so done with this season.  Give me Chad or give me death.

The group date involves sand surfing, which really doesn't look like much fun.  Thankfully the rain cuts this portion of the date over.  Also, I bagged on Wells pretty hard on the first night, but he's definitely my favorite from here on out.

Redneck Vanilla Ice is wearing ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and a sport coat.  He lets JoJo know he doesn't care what's in the magazines, he can look into her eyes and know he doesn't need outside validation.  Not sure what that means, but he gets a kiss.  James Taylor believes she's there for the right reasons.  He gets a kiss.  Wells doesn't want to dwell on the past or talk about people named Chad anymore.  He gets a kiss.  Derek breaks rank and starts whining about how he's having trouble seeing her hook up with other guys.  He's having the classic "I got the first one on one and now I'm not getting any attention." moment.  Altruistic Alex says "I think everyone thinks Derek is a nice guy, but I don't like him." Well I know Alex is a moron, but I don't like him.  Take that, you tiny douche.  JoJo also is not on the same page as Alex, as Derek gets the rose

Robby gets the date, and that gives us a good time for our first "Bachelorette Math" segment!  Jordan says "with Derek getting a rose, if Robby gets a rose, and I already have a rose....there might be only five or six roses on that table guys!" I'll bet these guys minds are blown when they play musical chairs at family reunions.  Wait....you're taking another chair away?  But....you just took one away last round!  This is WAY TOO FAST!"

Also, I don't know if I'm paying more attention than in the past, or if my eyes have been opened to the editing that happens on this show, but the alleged conversation where Alex confronts Derek about playing the pity card was so chopped up and awkward that there's no way it went down any way near how they portrayed it.  What is indisputable though is that Alex is sitting cross legged in a chair wearing a zip up sweatshirt with no shirt underneath, sipping a drink and saying thinks like "oh yeah.  We done." Alex is awful.

Robby uses his dinner date time to say that his best friend drove off a bridge, and because of that, he quit his job, moved, and just HAS to tell JoJo he loves her.  JoJo's response is "Thank you." Under normal circumstances, that's the kiss of death.  Instead, Robby gives us some mumbo jumbo about love being a magical force that pulls two people together and he just KNOWS he wouldn't be feeling as strongly as he did if she didn't feel it at least a little bit too.  This sounds like a good excuse for me to use when I decide to go out to lunch with the intentions of getting a somewhat healthy sandwich and end up driving right past Pita Pit and pulling into the drive thru at McDonalds.  "I really have no choice.  That double quarter pounder loves me so much, I can't resist it." Then there's fireworks.  Robby's had the best day of his life. JoJo's like "I totally did this exact same thing Tuesday with Jordan, so......"

Time for a rose ceremony at a rainy horse ranch. Derek mans up and calls the guys to task for calling his rose a pity rose.  For whatever reason, this rankles the guys...because he's doing this on a rose ceremony night.  JOJO ISN'T EVEN THERE YET.  My man Wells is the only one who seems to think that Derek should be commended for addressing it directly.  Alex can't believe he brought up this "petty bullcrap."  Didn't Alex bring this up like the night before?  Wasn't petty then, was it dude?

Of course, all this is rendered moot when Harrison arrives to tell the guys that there won't be a cocktail party.  My newest theory is that they shoot Harrison telling the guys there won't be a cocktail party every week, regardless if there is going to be one or not.  Then they have the cocktail party anyways, and just cut it out if the episode can survive without it.  There's no way they rent out these elaborate venues and then don't use them, right?

So three guys are going home.  My prediction is Evan, James Taylor, and Vinny are going home, but we'll see.  I was wrong....James Taylor got the rose and firefighter Grant heads home, removing the last non-white person from the show.  Forgot about the Aryan factor! Rookie mistake.  I'll take solace in the fact that Evan is gone from my TV a month or so...until the men tell all when he'll ask Chad for $20 again, then probably be announced as a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise.


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Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 4: First Rule of Chad is Don't Talk About Chad

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Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 3: You Can't Bully a Bully

Before we get going tonight, I'd like to recommend that all fans out there in Bachelor Nation read Courtney Robertson's book.  I've provided the link to the Oregon Digital Library Consortium, because while I'd recommend you read it, I'd never recommend you spend money on it.  While it's a blatant attempt to cast herself in the best possible light and sell books by bad-mouthing Ben Flajnik and pretty much anyone else she could, it does offer some good insights (rarely, but they're in there) into what goes on behind the scenes and how involved Bachelor producers are in how the girls act and what actually happens on the dates.  I know Andi Dorfman just wrote a book too, but it's not in the library (yet), and apparently she doesn't name names...rather calling every guy by a number in the order they got out of the limo to talk to her.  I'm sure there's some good stuff in there too, but it just seems like the sole purpose of calling guys by numbers instead of their names is to make us all have to rewatch the first episode or do some research online to match a name with a number.  Reading books is hard enough without the writer actively making it more difficult for us readers.

Ok on to the episode:

Oh good....a two night Bachelorette event.  The only good thing about this is that it means I don't have to sit through a stupid rose ceremony tonight.  We start with some bleary eyed dudes around a messy house.  Robby says that it's indicative of what went on at the rose ceremony.  So....Chad drank all that alcohol and threw carrots on the ground?  It looks more like a rebel Easter Bunny had a bender.

Chase gets the one on one date.  America says:
The date card says "let's get physical." So they go to a bikram yoga studio run by a lady named Himalaya Bell.  You might be thinking to yourself "Himalaya Bell...what a ridiculous name.  Who names their kid after a mountain range.  There aren't many Ozark Martins or Pyrenees Bradshaws running around.  BUT WAIT.  Because this is America, where nobody can spell their own name anymore, her name is actually Hemalayaa Behl.  The only time I do yoga is on the Wii Fit, and I call my digital trainer Jessica. Perhaps I should call her Jehsika.

Hemalayaa says "Hi JoJo!" when they walk in, as if she knows who she is, then asks how long her and Chase have been "intimate." This then leads to them grunting and thrusting their pelvises before throwing a temper tantrum Ms. Behl refers to as an "angergasm."  This isn't a real thing right?  Nobody actually does this, right?  They then straddle each other and make out. Jojo feels safe in his arms.  We all know how dangerous those Yoga Studios for horny people are.  As they continue to make out and straddle each other.  Hemalayaa and her sidekick (we'll call him Andes) strangely disappear.  I'd say it was to give them privacy, but these yoga people seem to be impervious to awkwardness and I would guess that normally they'd be close enough to touch knees with the sweaty couple. Thank God for our first commercial break.

At dinner, JoJo says she felt "connected" to Chase when she was sitting on his lap and their genitals were separated by spandex and not much else.  Chase says that's important to him as a "child of divorce."  Oh man.  That's his big reveal?  His parents got divorced, and he doesn't want to go down that road because he saw how bad his parents felt when it happened. That's probably a good thing buddy, because it means they actually cared about each other.  Anyways, given that Chase's big unhappy past story is that his parents got divorced, I think that means he's probably a decent, drama-free dude who might actually be a good husband.  Personally, he seems like the best candidate for the next Bachelor.  The ladies love the sensitive, sweet, clean cut dudes.

Back at the house, Chad says he'd rather pass on the group date to have a one on one later.  Cue the freakouts by the other contestants!  OH MY GOD HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO ON A GROUP DATE. This leads to Evan the boner doctor asking for a Sharpie to cross Chad's name off.  Evan's the scrawniest dude left, so of course Meathead Chad attacks him first, telling him to stop talking.  Jordan then really escalates things by suggesting that Chad sucks at spelling, and now it's on.  Cue the "you're a failed football player" blast.  If by failed you mean he was a two year starter at an SEC school who got a shot with three NFL teams and a CFL team, then sure, he's a failure.  I'd call that pretty damn good though.  Alex then gets into the fray too, condescendingly calling Chad "bro."

In the limo on the ride to the date, one of the guys says he thinks Alex is going to snap and throw down with Chad soon.  Alex says "somebody needs to bring this up in front of of JoJo.  Alex, the big, tough, strong, war veteran, is trying to suggest that someone else call Chad out because he's too scared to do it himself.  What a douche.

Their date is to get on stage and tell their embarrassing sexual stories to a group of strangers.  DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS STUFF? Like, people pay money to listen to other people talk about how they lost their virginity?  Why would you do this? I'm only on board with this if JoJo goes first.  Otherwise, it's total bullcrap.  Don't ask someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself. Chad's not into this, and I agree.

Evan feels that Chad "broke the man code" last night (by eating too much meat?) and so he's going to tell sexy Chad stories or something.  Alex is like "yeah do that!" Let's push the scrawniest dude to antagonize the guy who does pull-ups with a suitcase around his waist.  This should be good.  As Evan gets going on the dangers of taking steroids and implies Chad's on the juice.  Alex is nodding enthusiastically and like "oh I can't wait for Chad to kill Evan."  Chad's turn comes up, and he says "this is about the future and goes in for a kiss with JoJo, who gives him the cheek.  Alex can't handle how great this is.  He's chest bumping people and celebrating like he just won $10,000 at the blackjack table.  Chad is understandably pissed that Evan implied he took steroids in front of JoJo. JoJo's playing innocent and like she doesn't understand why this is happening.  C'mon JoJo. Chad shoves Evan, and Evan's like "what are you mad about? It's comedy dude."

Chad's an ass, but he's right.  In a moment I watched probably ten times, Chad walks by Evan and fakes like he's going to hit him.  Evan jumps like he just touched an electric fence, and then says "don't you put your hands on me dude."
The role of Evan will be played by Mark Sanchez tonight


At the cocktail party, Jordan says he's made mistakes in the past putting his career and other things (women?) in front of his girlfriend.  JoJo says "I know what you mean. I didn't open up on last season for like five weeks!"  JoJo kisses him .  Alex says he's there to "ride or die" Alex sucks.  Chad's pissing everyone off, so then they interrogate him yet again.  This time Vinny asks the questions.  Chad tries a bit of revisionist history by saying Evan's trying to intimidate him.  This is just insane. ABC sure made it seem like Evan's shirt ripped, but it seems like it's fine.  Evan demands an apology.  Chad says "leave me alone." I swear to God, if Alex has a conversation with Evan coming up here where he says "we got him right where we want him...just sit right next to him when JoJo comes back in and say something steroid related.  He'll go completely nuts! It'll be great." I'll lose it.  Alex is like a drug dealer using children to move his product so he doesn't get busted himself.  He's more than willing to let Evan get his ass kicked to get Chad out of there.  Nevermind it'll probably get Evan the boot too....that's not the point.  Alex is officially my least favorite guy.  Chad may be arrogant, but he's not trying to hide anything.  Alex on the other hand thinks he's perfect.  Plus, he chest bumps guys after telling sex stories.  It's creepy.

Back at the house, Luke says he's going to cry in a corner if JoJo gives the date to someone else.  Singin' James gets the date, and Luke doesn't follow through on his promise to cry.

Chad walks past every one-on-one date and then makes snide comments to the camera.  Chad's mean, but funny.  Chad has his time with JoJo, and says that Evan was trying to "bully the bully" which JoJo doesn't understand.  Of course, then Evan comes to interrupt Chad, which sort of backs up what Chad's been saying.  Evan uses his time to say he "needs to be stronger."  I assume this means talking more and connecting with JoJo.  Nope.  It means telling her he's going to leave if Chad stays. So...he's going to prove his strength by leaving if the mean guy stays?  JoJo should send them both home....this is clearly not about her.  I'd say "if you guys are so concerned about each other, then you're both out." The problem with this is that it'd be a win for Alex.

Incredibly, I'm rooting for her to send Evan home, just to see Alex's reaction.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LEATHER ON THIS SEASON?

Holy crap, it looks like I'm going to get my wish.  JoJo's giving him the "you're great, but..." speech.  And then she gives him the rose.  I don't even know what to say right now. He calls this a "win for his kids" and says "guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!" Screw this.  JoJo isn't even trying to find love.  She's a straight up shill for ABC and their ratings.  I'm with Chad on this (again) Did you see the way she kissed him?  That's the way you kiss your toddler when he's got a boo-boo.  She has no interest in Evan.  Chad is in disbelief that she gave him a rose, as am I.  Chad picks a bad moment to call this out though, and JoJo is not impressed.

Derek, despite not having any noticeable beef with Chad, says he doesn't feel safe.  This led to a ridiculous scene of a security guard watching Chad sleep.  Give me a goddamn break.  There's camera's all over that place.  No way does a security guard need to be standing in a doorway watching people sleep.

James Taylor, a guy I kinda liked before this date, is not impressing me now.  His energy level is almost too much.  I feel like I'd need a nap by noon every day if I hung out with him.  JoJo seems to like it, but it's almost like the way girls act around their gay male friends in movies.  James, despite being charismatic enough to make it onto a reality show, always things girls are talking to him because they're interested in his best friend Marcus. Anyone else want to meet Marcus now?  He gets a rose, sings a song on his guitar, JoJo cries, and they make out.  I'm willing to bet actual money that he wouldn't have got that kiss if he didn't have his guitar.  Him and his guitar are like Sampson and his hair.

Daniel.....Oh man.  He tells Chad he's making Daniel look bad by association and tells him to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini.  "Don't be like cancer man.  Be more like genital warts." Good pep talk Daniel.  Chad intelligently says nothing, and continues to chew on a piece of lettuce like a goat.

I forgot there's probably no rose ceremony tonight! We get a shot of the guys working out with actual weights, which totally makes me wonder why the hell he was doing pull-ups with a suitcase last week.  Harrison shows up to tell the guys there won't be a cocktail party. The guys are bummed.  Surprise! JoJo's coming for a pool party all day!

Evan pulls Harrison aside and says he doesn't feel safe despite the security guards being around.  Political correctness has now come to the Bachelor, where everyone needs to have a safe space.  Chris tells Chad that guys say he's taking steriods.  Chad says "I couldn't sneak those in here!" Not exactly a denial, bud.  Chris asks him to smooth things over.  Chad's response: "I'm going to rip arms and legs off and throw torsos in the pool."

For the first time ever, I'm thankful that it's to be continued.  It's past midnight and I'm exhausted, but if this thing was going to keep running, there's no way I could turn it off right now.

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