Bachelor Week 4: Seoul Train

Going international this week!  Time to say goodbye to Ca-MEEEE-lah.  "It's sad to say goodbye to someone I care about," Juan Pablo laments.  "Someone I care about" sounds like something you'd say about a good friend, or an ex girlfriend that you're on good terms with, not your daughter.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies it's time to board a jet for the "home of K-Pop and Gagnam Style."  The girls start screaming, but you can tell that half of the girls have no clue where they're going yet.  Also, apparently South Korea is known for it's catchy music and nothing else.  To me, South Korea will always remind me of Janet Evans at the 1988 Olympics.  I'm not sure why, but I was completely enamored with her, she was my first Olympic hero.  Claire takes the early lead in the "Ignorant American" contest, remarking how she "doesn't even have a kimono."

The girls seem pretty chummy with each other as they tour the city and explore every inch of their hotel suite.  Seems in stark contrast to all the previews and the solo confessionals ABC shows.  True to form, as soon as Nikki starts whining about not getting one on one time, she's predictably thrown in on another group date.  I wonder if the girl chose to read the date card has to read it multiple times with the names in different orders, pausing before reading the last name each time, so that ABC can get the right shot, or if there's some tricky editing that goes on to fit the situation.  No less than one second after Nikki found out that she's on the group date, she starts trashing the other girls as "annoying" and bitching that her head is going to explode.  So much for the sorority sister-bff vibe of the previous day!

How is it that the girls have no clue where they're going?  Didn't Chris tell them that Korea was the home of K-Pop?  That's literally the only thing he told them about Korea!  Maybe some of them don't know what K-Pop is, but all of them?  Apparently Korea's biggest pop group is a group called "21."  I'd disagree because I've never heard of them and I have heard of Girls Generation.  Nikki, after a little more whining about how group dates suck (she's losing points here for pouting), all of a sudden is star-struck about meeting a group with 77 million youtube views that she'd never heard of.  Also, for reference, this catchy little ditty by Girls Generation has 114 million views:

21 (who I'm starting to think is the biggest pop group in Korea that also happens to speak flawless English for the convenience of an American television audience) asks who's going first on the dance floor, and Juan Pablo throws himself into it like the super good looking dork that he is.  Kat is consistently showing that her bucket list contains only one item: to be in a music video.  Nikki opts for the classic "I suck at this, so I'm going to make this as awkward as possible for everyone by pouting and half-assing everything" move, all the while dissing Kat for taking it seriously and actually trying to help the other girls learn the moves that come naturally to her.  Nikki is in a free fall right now on my draft board.  She needs to get back to the lovable nurse that seemed well adjusted and not crazy jealous psycho that boarded the plane to Korea.  

Cassandra does an admirable job of pretending that she's never danced in front of thousands of people  before, and Chelsie makes me feel old by saying her childhood dream was to be Britney Spears backup dancer.  Fashion in Korea is apparently thirty years behind America, because they're all dressed up in '80s garb.  The girls all love their outfits, except of course Nikki, who looks like sad, female Justin Bieber.  I could not like her any less right now.  Kat seems to think everyone's there to see her (no they're not.)  I'm confused why everyone seems to think it would be so cool to be a backup dancer.  Quick name me one backup dancer not named Federline.  NOBODY CARES IF YOU'RE A BACKUP DANCER!  If you go to an Usher concert, are you really watching the backup dancers?  When Ke$ha was on Saturday Night Live, did I pay a lick of attention to the backup dancers?  No.  Aim higher ladies!  Your dream should be to have backup dancers!  Of course, if you're willing to be one of 25 ladies in Juan Pablo's harem (and let's be honest, they'd have been on the show no matter who the bachelor was) then you're probably ok with playing second fiddle you're whole life.

Nikki gets in one more dig about Kat's dancing ability.  I'm guessing that if this date was about giving a kid an IV drip or a blood draw or something she wouldn't take over that date.  She's being very petty right now.  Kat's got her one on one time with Juan Pablo, and Nikki takes that time to trash her to the rest of the girls - and judging by their faces, they're not really agreeing with her, and Kat is using her one on one time to tell Juan Pablo about her parent's divorce twenty years ago.  How is this still an issue for her?  Why is she crying?  Look, I'm not saying that divorce isn't a traumatic thing, because it is.  But really?  

Meanwhile Elise confirms my suspicions - the girls aren't really jumping on Nikki's hate train.  Nikki, after talking about how Kat is one way around the girls and another when the camera's come on, does a bit of the same thing by shedding all her negativity and pettiness when she gets her time with Juan Pablo.  Now she's excited and "giddy."  Juan Pablo asks her how she feels about Camilla - which of course she says she loves kids and then curiously says that she's ready to be step-mom and that she's a great diaper changer.  Camilla's four going on fourteen from the clips they've shown of her....not exactly diaper age.  I suppose there's a chance that she's still in diapers, but if she is, oh my god I feel bad for Juan Pablo.  Jocie's not even 2 and a half yet, and I'm like twitching at the idea of her being in diapers for another year and a half.  

Elise, after calling Nikki the most negative person in the house, immediately says "yuck" when she realizes Nikki gets the first rose.  Kat still can't believe that her popping and locking didn't result in a rose.  Nikki now has two group dates and two roses from those dates.  I'd say she's sitting pretty.  Juan Pablo doesn't need to take her on a one on one because he doesn't need more time to see if she's worthy of continuing on the show, but he doesn't want her to feel neglected, so he pins that rose on her to let her know he's thinking about her.  Still think she's a lock for the top four, despite being a real whiny girl.

First one-on-one of the Korean adventure goes to Sharleen.  They go to a market, and here's our first mocking the local culture date of the season!  Look they wear funny, uncomfortable dresses!  Korean malls are confusing!  They eat weird stuff!  After they leave the mall, they go to a tea house and Juan Pablo looks at her like a total dork as he says "when did you start singing?"  He has the look of an elementary school reporter.  He asks basic questions and waits for the answer like he just asked a question of a presidential candidate in a debate.  

Sharleen sings for him briefly, after making a big stink about how she didn't want to sing,  and then they kiss.  Sharleen says Juan's a good kisser, but she looks awful when she kisses him.  I'd now like to take the time to thank God that there's not someone with a camera filming every kiss I share with someone, because I probably look awful too.  I mean, I'd say I'm a pretty experienced Pepsi drinker, but I still spill a little bit on my shirt more often than I'd like to admit.  Maybe she really has only ever kissed other opera singers?  They all open their mouths super wide when they're singing, maybe it translates to kissing too?  I mean, if you'd never had pizza before and then you went to Little Caesar's, you'd be able to say truthfully that it's a good pizza, right? 

Sharleen has surprised me this season - I thought I was going to hate her the first night, but since then I've found myself doing less typing and more watching when she's on the screen than any other girl.  It seems like she's surprising herself too, as she keeps saying how surprising it is how much she's enjoying Juan's company.  

Juan then asks how many kids she wants, and ABC feels now is the time to show the girls dishing about how they think Sharleen isn't down with the kids.  Renee leads the charge, even going so far as to say that she doesn't think Sharleen's coming home.  Juan continues to press, and to Sharleen's credit, she tells Juan Pablo the truth, even though she knows it's not what he wants to hear.  She can't even look at him while she tells her story of dating a guy with a daughter and how it didn't go well.  I mean, you can't think of a worse story to tell this guy.  So yes, I admire her for being honest.  And I admire Juan Pablo for acknowledging her honesty and giving her a rose.  True to form, Juan Pablo continues his streak of assuming he knows exactly what's going on in these girls heads.  Has there ever been a person more sure of themselves than Juan Pablo?  I'll bet the guy pisses pure confidence.

Group Date #2 with the leftover women.  We start with karaoke in a giant dollhouse.  Somehow, this might be the thing about Korean culture that isn't mocked by the ladies.  Next they take pictures in a photo booth and ride paddle boats shaped like enormous swans.  Naturally, this is followed by letting fish eat the dead skin off your feet.  Naturally.  This is followed by a trip to a Korean food truck type thing.  Claire just offers up out of nowhere "please tell me we're not eating octopus."  Of course, this is the #1 way to ensure you will be eating octopus.  I think Claire knows this, and ensures that they eat something semi weird that she knows she can handle, but can act like she really made a big leap to prove that she's willing to put herself out there for Juan Pablo.  Dog Lover (is her name Kellie?  I forget) makes a really tacky oral sex joke (as if the size of the octopus was the issue) and Claire dramatically chokes down the cephalopod morsel.  

After party time!  Renee gets the first one-on-one time, and says that "it's getting easier" to be away from her son.  Ben, your therapist will see you now.  Renee says how much she wants to kiss Juan Pablo, and then thinks the best way to do this is to mention kissing and his daughter in the same sentence.  Boom goes the dynamite.  Mood has been obliterated.  Juan Pablo then boasts to the camera "I've kissed six girls already, but I don't want my daughter to see me kissing twenty."  As a dad, I can safely say you only have to do something once for your kid to pick up on it.  It doesn't matter if you pick your nose once or seventeen times.  If your kid sees you doing it, they're going to think it's ok.   If you don't wear your seatbelt on one trip to the store out of hundreds of trips to the store, that's the one trip they're going to remember.  

All the girls are really hung up on this kissing business, but none more than Lauren the awkward piano cyclist.  She thinks that his refusal to kiss her means he's just not that into her.  Juan Pablo has set a precedent here, and when you change the rules of the game halfway through, people get kind of pissed.  You can't just play Calvinball with people's emotions.  Lauren's got a right to be upset.  Juan tells her to trust her gut, which is his way of saying "just send yourself home."  Renee surprisingly cedes her role as comforting mother to Andi, who is nowhere near as good at it as Renee is.  She actually said "you're probably just friends!" before she realizes the awfulness of her mistake by saying "but relationships can start as friends!"  Lauren, you got put in a really bad situation tonight, and my heart goes out to you.  

Compounding the situation is Claire playing the stupid girl.  "OMG I ATE OCTOPUS!"  I take it back, she's not playing the stupid girl, she is the stupid girl.  Juan Pablo then calvinball's the group by basically saying his no kissing rule applies only to girls he hasn't already kissed.  If he thinks Claire isn't going to tell the other girls he kissed her, he's an idiot.  I hope that kiss was good, because you just sacrificed a lot of sanity the rest of the season for a few minutes of making out.  At this point, Lauren should go home.  I never read that "He's Just Not That Into You" book, but I'd imagine that one of the chapters was "he says he's not ready to kiss you, then kisses some one else later that night."  As my buddy Charles Ramsey would say, "dead giveaway!"  Andi gets the rose, evidently for telling him he's a bad dancer.  Never underestimate the power of an insult when flirting.  We are a stupid stupid species.

Claire talks about how great stepping out of her comfort zone is.  Ugh.  Then she just starts to go into how amazing her dad was, and how she's waited for so long to find "the one" because of that when Nikki swoops in to steal him.  Claire is not happy.  Nikki's one on one time is a little more substantive, but she leaves it awkwardly when he brings up tension in the house.  Nikki's convinced Claire put this in his head, and voices this concern to Dog Lover, who is already a documented Claire hater.  Claire makes her way over to the two of them.  Rather than handle the situation with a scalpel, Dog Lover takes a sledgehammer to the situation by saying "JP told Nikki he thought there was tension in the house, and this was right after he talked to you, so Nikki thinks you told him she was a cancer to the harem."  I'm done with Dog Lover.  She's not bringing anything to the table, and it doesn't appear her dog made  the trip to Korea, so really what was the point of bringing your dog in the first place?   Claire and Nikki bicker back and forth before ending with Claire telling Nikki she wouldn't give her a rose and Nikki answering back "good thing you're not handing them out."  We'll give that point to Nikki, but barely.  She was like the least of three evils in that situation.  

On to the rose ceremony.  Chris comes in to set everyone on edge by reminding them how long the reject flight home is.  Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen are already safe, and joining them are Renee, Chelsie, Kelly (boooooo!), Danielle (why?), Cassandra (why the long pause before that rose?), Alison (is she Andi's sister?  I didn't even realize they were two different people until right now), Claire (he misses her kisses already!), and Kat.  Gone are Elise and Lauren the rejected kisser.  Lauren got really humiliated on this episode, and I feel bad for her.  She thinks she did something wrong, but I really think she played it well...she just never had a chance from the beginning.  Elise handled it fairly well - although it's hard to make a graceful exit with a dress that looks like a cross between a ball gown and a hooker's uniform.  She really couldn't make up her mind on that one.   Her exit is almost as conflicted as her dress, as she tries to find a respectful way to call all the other girls bitches.  

Apparently Juan Pablo feels he has set a good enough example for his daughter, because next week is all about the making out!  Eesh buddy.  In fifteen years when your daughter is asking you to hustle one boy out the back door so she can welcome another in the front, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

Bachelor Week 3 - A Great Day to be a Bach-EL-OR

Seems like it's been more than week since we saw girls dressed up as dogs or naked signs, right?  Let's get it going.  The day starts off with Chris Harrison getting a very unenthusiastic welcome from the ladies.  They wanted Juan Pabs.  Might be the first time the universally adored Chris Harrison has not been warmly received by the house.  He drops off the date card and it goes to Cassandra the "way too young to be a former" anything.

While she gets ready, Juan spends some time with his parents and his daughter.  They have an adorable lunch, which I'm ninety percent sure was adorable because they were speaking spanish.  Put it this way:  If I had said "Juan tries to get his daughter to eat three bites of food, but she negotiates for only two" it doesn't sound very interesting.  But throw in some "yo quieros" and a few "uno mas" and you've got incredible parenting from Juan Pablo.  English sucks.  I'm learning as many other languages as I can.  They are all cooler.

The date starts with Juan driving into a lake....seriously.  But this is no "Michael Scott" moment - he's driving some sort of hybrid car/boat.  At first I was thinking it was like those duck boat things, but this is like some sort of jeep/jet ski.  I imagine these things might come in handy in the drug smuggling business.  Somebody tell Tony Montana to invest in a Panther fleet!

Back at the house, Renee has some one-on-one time with girl whose name escapes me.  She tells her sob story - her mom died of melanoma and wrote a letter to get her daughter on The Bachelor - because that's every mother's dream.  And I'm sorry if this sounds callous, but there's no way her mom was so sick from melanoma that she couldn't mail a letter.  Something else is going on there.  Maybe the mom wrote the letter but realized that she didn't want one of her last acts on Earth to be championing her daughter for a reality show, then after she was gone, the letter was found and sent.  Maybe she never even wrote the letter, then after she was gone this story was fabricated.  I don't know, but I don't buy the story.

Is there anyone who doesn't feel comfortable confiding in Renee?  Does she want to move to North Albany to hang with my wife?  She could probably use someone to talk to about my unhealthy obsession with this show.

Back on the date, Juan Pablo is teaching a dancer how to dance - amazingly they're good at this!   One thing missing on this date.....conversation!  There's not talking at all.  The cynic in me says this is because she's dumb and Juan Pablo doesn't want to ruin the image here.  They finally get into talking about their kids and JP says that he "knows that she's a single mom and the kid depends on her....." does he know this, or is it just assumed?  If it is, it's probably hypocritical on Juan's part since I'm sure he'd bristle at the idea of someone saying that Camilla depended on his ex as if he wasn't part of the picture.  No issues however, he offers her the rose and she giddily accepts.

Group date time, and it's time for all the girls to try to impress Juan Pablo with their soccer skills!  Juan's playing with a few anonymous LA Galaxy players (what, was Landon Donovan busy?) and the girls are starry eyed.  Of course one of the girls mentions the only thing most of them probably know about soccer "David Beckham used to play here!"

Sharleen continues her transformation from classy, elegant, opera singer, to perky, giggly girly-girl.  Didn't see that one coming.  Time for some 5 on 5 soccer while wearing sparkly gold sports bras!  Sharleen takes some violent shots in the face and gut, but to her credit she laughs it off and keeps on playing.  As far as group dates go, that was probably one of the best - no crying, no dramatics, nobody pouted because they weren't skilled at the activity, and weirdly enough, everyone got along.  Of course, nobody's kissed him yet.....

After party time, and for once there's no rooftop pool!  Nikki gets the first one-on-one time, and asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear was coming on the show.  Without hesitation, he says "hurting other people."  Of course he wasn't concerned about himself getting hurt...he's Juan Pablo.  He knows these aren't the only 27 women in the world interested in him.  He'll land on his feet.  Most people get the chance to date maybe 2 or 3 absolutely gorgeous people in their life.  He's got ten times that, and he knows that's not even 10% of the gorgeous women he could date.  Again, it's Juan Pablo's world, y'all.

Nikki decided against kissing Pabs, and now we'll get to see if that ends up being a mistake as I'm willing to bet the other 9 girls aren't going to be so coy.

Back at the house, Elise is convinced she's getting the solo date, but instead it goes to Chelsie, who doesn't know it yet, but she's just become Elise's nemesis.

Sharleen's one-on-one time is so vastly different from the first night it's hard to believe that this is the same girl.  I'm also wondering if she's ever kissed anyone before because her mouth looked like one of those fish that latches onto the side of a fish tank to get the algae.  What the hell was that?  She sort of redeems herself on the second kiss, and the shot of her dress from the back makes me forget just about everything else (WOW).  Andi and Sharleen both feel that their kiss warranted the rose, but no!  It goes to the Nurse Nikki the Non-Kisser!  Well played Nikki.

Of course, now everyone starts to wonder if their connection is as strong as they thought....funny in that they all praise Juan Pablo for being so thoughtful and considerate of everyone's feelings and then get mad when he spends time with the other girls.  Elise seems like she backing off Chelsie when Juan Pablo comes in and apologizes to her in front of all the other girls for not taking her on a date this week, but once Chelsie's out of the house, she's trashing her as being "too young."  Yes, those extra three years you have on her have really seasoned you, Elise.  Clearly you're too mature to get catty and talk about people behind their backs....oh wait.

Chelsie's date involves eating a bunch of foreign food and then jumping off a bridge while strapped to Juan Pablo.  Sounds like a good plan.  Chelsie isn't handling the bungee jump well.  She gets her drugs mixed up when she says "this is like the high dive on crack" - I would've opted for steroids.  Then she says "on a scale of one to terrified, my terrified meter is off the charts."   Do charts have scales?  Or can scales be charted?  I don't know, but her stomach is full of Venezuelan food and her brain is full of mush right now.  She doesn't know if she's going to be able to do this.  While we're in the commercial break, let me just predict what's going to happen.

Chelsie freaks out, Juan Pablo tells her to trust him, she comes close to crying, they jump, she screams, he laughs, she talks about how she can't believe they just jumped off a bridge, Juan Pablo talks about how proud he is of her for overcoming her fears, she talks about how she never would've been able to do it without Juan Pablo, and they both talk about how their relationship has gone to another level because of this shared experience.  Also throw in some sort of "this jump symbolizes being on The Bachelor" and we're good to go.

Ok now we're back, and.....well I'll give myself an 85%.  I didn't see her hesitating for as long as she did, and I can't believe I didn't see the "hanging off a bridge" kiss coming.  Also dock myself points for the "this jump symbolizes being on the Bachelor" when I should've said "if we can jump off a bridge, we can get through anything together" comment.  That was a horrible error on my part.

Time for dinner at Pasadena's City Hall.  Chelsie calls it "the most romantic place" ever.  Every city hall I've ever seen has been the exact opposite of romantic, but Pasadena's is a little bit of a step up.  City Hall - the official location of second marriages - is now the most romantic place in the world.

Elise is still railing on Chelsie's lack of age and experience.  Kat tells her Chelsie is 25 or 26, (she's 24 according to the on screen graphics) and Elise has to sheepishly admit that she's "only" 27.  Chelsie doesn't help herself look older in the eyes of viewers at dinner as she talks about how kids are "so funny" and just basically acts like a twelve year old.  Of course, Juan Pablo acts like a 15 year old most of the time, so just roll with it.   She gets a rose (has anyone ever not received a rose on a bungee date?)

We've got a few minutes left on this date...just enough time for a private concert!  At least I've heard of Billy Currington.  While the song is catchy, their dancing is atrocious, and I'm just ready for this date to be over.  Just before we go, Juan Pablo calls her "wife material" and "a keeper."  Really?  Based on the fact that she's giddy about EVERYTHING?

Juan Pablo decides to surprise the girls with breakfast, and Kelly and Lauren are SO EMBARRASSED that JP might see them without makeup on.  Kelly, in fact, says that her grandma told her to "never let a man see you without your face on" so she hides it from JP as she walks on by. HOWEVER she has no problem talking to a camera in that exact same look.  Crazy, right?

Renee, on the other hand, rolls into the kitchen and is all "sweet, he's making breakfast!"  That right there ladies and gentlemen is the difference between your 20's and your 30's.

Juan decides that instead of having a cocktail party, they should have a pool party instead.  With his accent however, it sounds like he says "how about we have a poopatay instead?" and I think it took the girls a few seconds to comprehend what he said.  High five for language barriers!

Chicken fights in the pool apparently mean you're trying too hard.  Nobody seems to think that Renee is trying to hard despite her being out there chicken fighting.  I"m not faulting Kat at all here.  I'm sensing a bit of a rift forming between girls who like swimming at pool parties and girls who would rather not get wet.  Sharleen reverts back to first night Sharleen  and acts like she's above the Bachelor fray.  Not so above it though that she can't cry a little, check to see if the other girls are watching, and then steal a kiss from Mr. Galavais. Well played, Opera Singer.

Claire's seen enough, and decides to go shut herself in a bathroom to pout until Juan comes to tell her it's ok and make out with her.  Instead, she gets her turn with Mother Renee.  Does her "Mommy Sense" start tingling every time one of the girls starts feeling insecure?  I love that she tells Renee all the things she should be telling Juan Pablo, and yet because of the setting, nobody is willing to show weakness for fear of being cut loose in favor of the umpteen other gorgeous girls.  Finally she gets to Juan Pablo and spends her one on one time telling Juan Pablo how jealous she is all the while adamantly denying that she's jealous.  He says "I'm sorry you didn't get a date this week" and she says "it's ok."  If it was ok, why did you just cry your ass off in the bathroom and then complain to him for five minutes about how much it bothered you?  That crap wouldn't fly with me....although I've never been in that situation with a smoking hot girl in a bikini either.

Why do they keep showing us shots of the "live" wedding of Catherine and Sean?  How can we be seeing the guests already if it's live?  Are those stock shots of JP and Ashley's wedding?  I need to know these things?

Back to the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo says this is the best day yet because he got to see them in pajamas, bikinis, AND evening dresses!  Totally pig-headed and misogynistic thing to say, and yet they all think it's cute and funny.  JP's world, y'all!

Andi, Renee, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alison??, Claire, Lauren, Kelly, and Danielle get roses, in addition to Nikki, Chelsea and Cassandra, who already had roses.  Gone are Christy (who?) and Lucy the free spirit.  Christy feels she's gone because she didn't open up.  Lucy, the happy go lucky free spirit, isn't really going with the flow right now.   She's a little bummed, but at least she remembered to take her shoes off to maintain her hippie persona.

And it looks like we're done with L.A, and as we all know, once we leave L.A., we also leave any sense of sanity as well.  Everyone is a man-stealing she-bitch from hear on out, and don't you forget it!

Bachelor Week 2 - Life is about Straddling People?

Welcome back....I've got a bit of an issue with ABC apparently requiring me to watch on Sunday nights now too.  Already Claire has been given the first date card?  This is not ok with me, ABC.  I already devote way to much time of my life to your franchise, and my kids don't really understand when I tell them that Daddy needs them to go to sleep early so that I can watch the "Batch-el-LOR" as Juan Pablo says it.

And the blindfold comes out, and the girls are having all sorts of 50 Shades of Grey fantasies as they squeal and ooh and ahh as Claire is whisked away unable to see.  The big surprise is....fake snow!  Looks like a fun time as they sled and dress Juan Pablo up as an 1800's snow man.  It's an ultimate fairy tale to Claire.  Am I the only one that gets a little Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe vibe from the fake forest they're in?  If some half goat man comes running out of the trees, I'd declare this the best date ever.

Back at the ranch, the girls are talking it out, and the big scandal is that Lucy the free spirit is letting both of her spirits free.  "I think she forgot to pack bikini tops" one girl laments.  I think the bigger shock would be if the hippie girl actually had some sort of undergarment on.  Isn't that kind of their thing, to let everything just kinda "blow in the wind?"  To their credit, the other girls in the pool are just kind of rolling with it.

Claire, after a few hours of playing in fake snow, has determined that Juan Pablo is emotionally secure and will be there for her for ever and for always.  This always happens to the first date girl.  She's setting herself up for a trip to crazy town by herself.

Kat gets the second one on one day.  I'm not sure who she is, other than the girl who actually got the rose when the princessy redhead misinterpreted Juan Pablo's accent and thought he called her name at the first ceremony.

Back on the date, Claire says that Juan Pablo is so sexy, she has to tell him how much he needs to be like her father.  I want to like Claire, but she's making it really hard.  This is the first time she's put herself out there since her father's passing "many years ago" as she says.  No better way to ease yourself back into the world than slapping on a bikini in front of millions of people with a guy who (oh by the way) is dating 26 other women concurrently.

Juan Pablo SAYS he is glad she is opening up, but he certainly doesn't seem to be too interested in it. She's sitting there prattling on about her dad, all the while he's nibbling on her ear.  Way to pay attention, bud.  Of course, if she really was concerned with him HEARING her, she'd stop him and say "this is important."  But no, she's totally fine with him smothering her words of woe with his Venezuelan lips.  "You taste like snow" she says.  IT'S FAKE SNOW!

YOU GUYS!  THERE'S A SASQUATCH IN THIS FAKE SNOW FOREST!  AND HE'S GOT A MICROPHONE!  Oh, never mind.  It's some anonymous singer trying to make good on his agent's big money gamble to get him recognized.  Ironic, though, that Bigfoot is the realest thing about this date.  Way to flip the script, ABC.

Quick note - Claire is amazed that it's fake snowing in a fake forest with a Sasquatch serenading her while she lightly pats Juan Pablo's hindquarters like a set of bongos.  At this point Hulk Hogan could drive one of those mini Shriner's Cars that they use in parades out there and I'd barely do a double take.

I'm not even sure who the dog-lover is, but her dog is getting more airtime than she is.  That's not a good sign for her.  If your pet is the most interesting thing about you, you're not marriage material in my book.  Also not a good sign - you're a dog lover and Juan Pablo selected a girl named Kat for a one-on-one date the first week.

Kat gushes she has never been on a private jet before (get in line, sweetheart).  Then she says that she "could get used to being with the man of her dreams who likes doing 'things like that.'  You know that this isn't Juan Pablo's plane, right?  She's allowed her mind to run completely wild, thinking he's taking her to New York City (you know this is a one-day date, right).  Instead, they don electric clothing and fly to a rave in.....Salt Lake City?  Nevermind, it's not a rave, it's a 5k race?  Utah finds some really inventive ways to have non-alcoholic fun, don't they?  Juan Pablo looks like he was born to wear neon clothing under LED-lit trees with umbrellas in them.  This is his element.

Back on the farm, the group date is announced, and Amy the Weathergirl is upset because "she came here to get to know Juan Pablo."  You don't say?  She's worried that there's a rose ceremony coming up and she hasn't got any time.  She should take solace in the fact that the opera girl who got the first impression rose also is not going on a date, so it doesn't really mean anything....of course she won't though.

Another quick side note going back to last week - Opera Singer is different from most Bachelor contestants, and that's what I like about her (and apparently what Juan Pablo liked as well.)  HOWEVER, you forfeit your right to act like you're better than other people on the Bachelor when you APPLY TO GO ON THE BACHELOR.  You may be different, but you still are there fame-grabbing with the topless girl and all the people with dead relatives they're exploiting and the drunks. Own it, Brunhilde.  (Sorry, that's the only opera name I know).

Group date time!  13 times the crazy.  Dog Lover finally gets some air time- and it turns out her name is Kelly.  She looks like a resident of Whoville.  Lauren the musician says he looks "extra hot" because he's wearing blue and he has arms or something.  I'm really waiting for the girl who says "I was a little disappointed in Juan Pablo's look today - he shaved his stubble and is wearing long sleeves.  Surprise, it's a photo shoot, and your photographer is a creepy bald dude with a blue beard.  Oh, and your co-models are dogs who apparently like to hump each other and poop anywhere they damn well please.  Seems pretty sanitary.  Apparently these people are for the ethical treatment of all animals....and that ethical treatment includes painting the dog's face blue in one instance.  Kill me now.

Chelsie makes the obligatory "what up bitches? You know, the dogs" joke.  Lame, but not as creepy as Blue Beard giggling as he tells girls that aren't professional models that they need to take all their clothes off and hold a sign in front of their naughty bits.  What the hell is wrong with this guy?  He's completely unsympathetic to their reservations.  This is a pretty impossible situation for the ladies - do you bow out and risk showing Juan Pablo that you're not comfortable with your body (something that maybe carries a little more weight because he's foreign and nudity isn't that big of a deal to him)? Does your stance against nudity make him respect that you're a strong woman who is not willing to compromise on your morals?  Why doesn't anyone offer to switch with the hippie who clearly would not have any problem holding a sign (or just standing naked next to it)?

Andi and Elise aren't feeling it.  Blue Beard goes with the total creep show move of trying to rationalize to her that the parents of her first grade students won't be focusing on her nakedness, they'll be focusing on the dogs.  What a crock of crap.  Never trust a man with a blue beard, ladies.  Elise does the sensible thing and flips costumes with Lucy, leaving Andi as the one who has to rationalize that this is for a good cause.  Seriously, it's gotta be better than the Dog Lover, who they painted to look like the world's ugliest half-dog, half-woman.  Jesus that getup is terrifying.

While Andi finds a stray piece of machinery to worry on, Juan Pablo saunters over to say "hey I'm going to be naked too, so it's all good.  She says "I can tell Juan Pablo is out of his comfort zone" which is an outright lie.  That guy has been naked with more than one girl and a camera before, I can almost guarantee it.  In the meantime, the girls seem to think that no dogs anywhere will get adopted if they don't take their clothes off or let themselves be painted to look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain.  Give me a break.  Nobody is going to adopt a dog because they watched this episode of the Bachelor.  Maybe, MAYBE, a portion of the money made off that calendar will go to animal adoption, but I doubt it.  Also, are they going to show us how to get our hands on that calendar?  Because if they don't offer that info up on the show, they really aren't concerned about helping dogs at all.  You know Blue Beard isn't.  He's trying to figure out which one of these dogs he can shave to use their fur for a poofy hat he can put on a naked model.

AFTER PARTY!  Nobody's painted up, nobody's naked (YET!).  Shockingly, this party takes place at a rooftop pool.

First up with one on one time is Cassandra, the 21(!) year old former NBA dancer who has a son named Trey.  Is that Trey, as in slang for a three pointer?  I'm saying there's a 75% chance that kid is the illegitimate offspring of an NBA player.  Cassandra claims that her son is writing in a journal to her every night.  Can I call BS?  He's 2!  I gave my 2 year old daughter a pen tonight and told her "only color on the paper"  She mangled the paper and then drew all over a cd case.  My six year old son keeps a journal. The other day he wrote "IM GoiG to MY GraMMU AND POOPa toDay.  I wootin Ta Leev oon ChristmaMas eav."  Not going to lie, I'm super proud that Jonah can write something that I can decipher.  I just don't think she's going to get much out of the chicken scratch her son writes.  Is it mean to guess that if he could write legibly, he'd probably write "where's my dad?"  Just kidding.  I know that's mean.  But you probably nodded, so I'll save room for you on the bus to hell, too.

NOTE: I've since been informed that it was actually Renee's son who is writing a journal, not the two year old.  I was typing and not watching and missed the transition from Cassandra to Renee.  I'm leaving that paragraph in though, because I find it funny.

Victoria may be joining us.  She's hammered.  She claims she's not, but saying "HEEEEEEEY ROOMIE" is a dead giveaway.  Victoria gives us some classic drunk girl quotes like "life is about straddling people....and things." and "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."  You go gurl.  You may be competing with that one dude on Emily's season that got super hammered on the first night and had to be sent home for drunkest contestant ever.

Victoria is drunk in the hot tub - always a bad combo.  It's getting worse, as she twerks alone and rambles about straddling and heimlich maneuvers.  Victoria goes to encroach on Nikki's alone time, then backs off and goes to cry in the bathroom.   Renee, the elder stateswoman of the group, does the motherly thing and goes to see what's wrong.  Victoria has locked herself in a stall though, so Renee does the classy thing and shimmies under the door like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment.  Between  Victoria's irrational sobs and profanity laden rants, Renee rubs her shoulder and says the biggest lie ever uttered on the show:  "Everyone's so glad you're here."  Victoria excuses herself from the show at this point, and yet another sasquatch looking dude (this one a production assistant) has to explain to her that he can't let her leave because he hasn't booked her a flight or a cab or anything and it's probably not a good idea for a girl in her state of inebriation to be stumbling down a downtown LA street barefoot in a bikini.  Not to be deterred, she's starts prancing like a deer for some reason and frolics her way back into her bathroom stall of safety.

Juan Pablo, after being summoned by a surprisingly rational Lucy, goes to talk to Victoria.  She has none of it though, and Juan Pablo is unwilling to Zeta-Jones his way into the stall.  I do like the fact that he gives it two quick attempts to talk to her, then just backs away.  He gives the girls a "don't go to hard on her, this is a rough situation" speech, which the other girls EAT UP.  I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo has never had a bad day in his life, and has never slept a night alone since he was 18 years old, unless it was by his choice.

Back at the house, the girls sit around in their bikinis and recap Victoria's antics.  Somehow, Victoria parlayed this into a private hotel room and some one on one time at the hotel.  She completely mishandles the situation, trying to shrug it off by saying "I guess I should apologize or whatever."  Then she says she had a good time up until her "bathroom incident."  The longer Juan Pablo sits there and says nothing, the more she owns up to it.  She starts to take responsibility for her actions a little more in a futile attempt to salvage her time on the show.  I like that Juan Pablo allowed her to own up to her actions before cutting her loose.  As messy as that situation could've been, they both kind of handled it well, to the point that I don't even think Victoria was upset that she was getting dumped in a very abrupt manner.

Time for the cocktail party/rose ceremony and the girls are freaking out because "so much is still up in the air" and "anything could happen."  Cassandra is really worried about what Juan Pablo is thinking, which doesn't make much sense based on what we saw on camera.

Juan Pablo does a lot of little things that make it impossible for these ladies to be upset at him even when he whisks off another girl.  He was respectful when referring to Victoria and then explains that he's going to talk to the girls who didn't go on dates first and then actually goes to meet Amy and take her hand rather than making her walk all the way across the room to him.  It's a subtle thing, but I think that women really respond to those things.  Take notes, guys.  Juan Pablo is taking us all to school.

Cassandra again is struggling - this time with the English language. "I just feel like this whole situation is just hard to like put all the other girls aside and like focus on our....thing...and it's like also hard for me because I have like my son..."  She then goes off to cry over pictures of her son.  I was going to make a "come on, nobody just has 4x6's with them anymore" but I suppose they do take away all of your digital media devices.  She starts crying, and once again, Renee gets to play the motherly role.  If Juan Pablo is looking for someone to be a mother to his daughter, Renee is the clear choice at this point.  Close second is Nurse Nikki.

Juan Pablo again says all the right things (the guy is a WIZARD) and Cassandra is totally back on track.  Juan Pablo says that she knows what a mom is.  I'll give him that.  She could explain to you what the word mom means (while only using the word "like" four times!) and probably also spell it.  Beyond that, I'm not sold.  She's 21 for God's sake.  If I'd been a father at 21 I would've failed miserably at parenting.  There's no way I was equipped to care for a small person at that point in my life.  Sure, there are some people that are mature enough at 21 to handle things like that (I know a few) but none of them were unemployed former cheerleaders who thought the best parenting decision they could make was to go on a reality show.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo pardons Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharlene, Renee, Some girl whose name I couldn't understand and am pretty sure hasn't been on the show up to this point, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy, in addition to Claire, Kat, and Kelly.  Gone are Amy and Chantel.  Once again, the African American contestant gets an "affirmative action" pass on night one, only to be dispatched shortly thereafter.

Well, judging from the previews for next week, Juan has completely thrown out Sean's advice to not kiss a girl in front of the other contestants.  That's OK though, because I wouldn't trust anything Sean told me either.  I still hate that guy.

Bachelor Premiere - Do you Juan to Juatch Juan Pablo this Juanuary?

Juan-uary is off and running, finally.  I have been as excited for Juan Pablo to get more airtime than any heterosexual male should be and even I think that ABC has over done the whole build-up to this season.  The Polar Vortex may have slowed the blog down for a week, but I'm well rested and ready to make some very superficial judgments on the fame-whores out to win Juan-Pablo's heart...or at least a couple hundred new twitter followers.  I'm going to skip the whole "countdown to Juan Pablo" thing, let's just get into the actual season premiere - bring on the ladies!

We start with the JPMM - Juan Pablo Make-out Montage and then the tears start flowing.  The Latin Lover will be breaking hearts left and right apparently.  Then we get JP talking his life over a series of shots of him making ridiculous faces during photo shoots.  Seriously, does he ever smile normally, or is it always a sarcastic look?  Oh yes, and he has a daughter.  Camilla is the center of his universe.  Make sure you remember that....it'll come up about sixty six thousand times in the next few months.

I think the accent is going to serve him well.  He can be a complete idiot and say things like "I'm the first Latin bachelor...I speak the language of loooooove" and everyone will think it's adorable.  A guy from Boise, Idaho says that and he looks like a fool.  Do people in other countries find American accents appealing?  I doubt it....we don't even find the way we talk ourselves appealing, so why would they?  

First commercial break, and ABC is now leaving a "bachelor will return" border around the commercials?  Seriously?  Seems kind of irrelevant in this day and age, where everyone's TV tells them what show is on when they switch the channel, but whatever.  Pay those bills, ABC.  I will give them credit for also showing the logo of the company whose commercial is airing, many commercials these days don't make it easy to identify the product being advertised just by watching.  

We're back, and oh goody it's Sean.  Juan says "who else was I going to call?"  How about ANYONE ELSE?  We get a bunch of buzz-words from Sean - "this will be a journey" "when that first limo rolls up, then it'll get REAL."  Juan wants to call it an adventure rather than a journey.  Not exactly a big leap, but at least it's different.  Sean's sage advice is to not kiss a girl in front of the other girls.  Solid advice...but I can imagine ABC is already plotting ways for some of the girls to "accidentally" stumble across an encounter.  

Sean also says that Catherine wasn't even on his radar for the first month....isn't the taping only about six weeks?  Crazy.  He then tells what may very well be a bullshit story about his dog getting sprayed by a skunk at 2 am and that making him realize he's in love with Catherine.  I guess I shouldn't say that, because just about everyone has an "aha" moment where they realize that their significant other is THE ONE, and it's usually some completely mundane thing that happens to just about every couple.  It's just that usually I would assume that moment before the engagement.  It's an early reminder to suspend your version of reality when you're watching the Bachelor.

Interesting that Juan Pablo has seemingly given his daughter more airtime already than Emily's daughter got her whole season.  Not sure what it means, but just an observation.  

Let's get a look at the ladies!

First up is Chelsie, the 24 year old Science Educator (don't most people call this a teacher?)  who apparently likes soccer.  She then hides in some weeds and thinks learning bad Spanish will help her impress Juan Pablo (it probably won't.)

Renee, the real estate agent evidently likes long walks on the beach as we see her walking at both sunrise and sunset, in bikinis, in dresses, on rollerblades, with her son, with her son and birds.....pretty much any scenario you can envision someone walking on the beach, she did it.  Good thing Juan Pablo lives in Miami!

Andi, the federal prosecutor, was one of my preseason favorites, but she's already annoying me with her staged courtroom scene.  It took me all of 15 seconds to flip on my favorites.  She just seems like she's acting about EVERYTHING.  She can't even put on her sunglasses in a manner that you can't tell she's on camera.

I missed the masseuse's name, but that's ok because she's pretty much awful.

NIkki, the pediatric nurse, seems awesome.  Seems like a normal person (so far.)  She can take Andi's place in my preseason favorites.

Lauren is a mineral coordinator.  What the hell is that?  I'm not a big fan of how they try to sexy up everyone's job title.  She was dumped by her fiancé over the phone.  Bummer for her.

Valerie is a personal trainer... of goats?  She's shoots arrows and isn't afraid to scratch out eyeballs.  Terrifying.  Watch out for her.

Lacy the elderly care girl has a crazy life.  9 special needs siblings and running elderly care facilities?  NO wonder she's single....how's she have time to date?  Good luck to her.

Claire the hairdresser is part Mexican.  Good for her?  I'm not sure why that's relevant. Her dad died though (sad) and she's looking for a man to replace him.  Still weirded out by the whole "I want to date a man like my dad" thing...she was one of my other preseason favorites. Not the most impressive impression.

Chris is here, and he surprises Juan - there's two additional ladies added to the talent pool!  Why?  Are they people we're familiar with?  What's the point of only adding two?  I don't get it. 

Casandra the "former NBA dancer" is unemployed because she's an idiot.  She just kind of stares at Juan Pablo for a while.  Ugh.  

Seems like more than a few girls are going with the "I can speak a little Spanish!" routine, but not Lucy the Free Spirit....she's barefoot and looks like she's just champing at the bit to take some psychedelic drugs and dance naked around a fire.  She can leave whenever she wants.  

Chelsie the science educator makes a really bad chemistry pun, and I'm not really on board with her.  Some other girl is from Forty Fort, PA - kind of like I'm from Porty Port, Oregon.  

I'm convinced everyone will hate Valerie by the end of the night, and Ashley the 25 year old has a voice like a 40 year old 1960's prostitute, but the big cliffhanger is.....a pregnant girl in the limo! She's making such a show of how hard it is to get out of the limo, this has got to be a joke.  

....and it is!  Claire went for the "I'm going to scare the shit out of you" impression.  Better than the Masseuse (her name is Amy) and her "i'm here for you because it's you" line.  I'm not even sure what that means.  Some super southern girl gives him a fishing hook, Lacy the Champion of the Underpriviledged gives him some drugs (just kidding they're Red Hots!), and Sharleen the Candian Opera Singer from Germany seems very different from your usual Bachelor competitors.  I'll be interested to see how she gels with the other girls.

Andi comes in last, and Juan Pablo seems to be digging her.  I'll admit she was much more likable in that encounter than in her little intro video.  Time for a little interaction!  Let's get the drinks flowing and the judgmental bitching rolling!

Amy the weather girl has HUGE FACIAL FEATURES. Her eyes and her mouth seem to take up her whole face. She thinks he's way better looking in person.  Another girl goes all valley girl and says "Ohmigosh I'm gonna die he's so cute."  Juan comes in and makes a lot of jokes and the girls love it, and then all of a sudden a wedding reception breaks out.  Photo booths and some music...Juan Pablo is ready to shake up this show.  

Nikki gets the first on screen one on one time, and she makes a really good impression - on me at least.  I like her.  Renee and Juan Pablo bond over the fact that they're "single parents."  They call each other Mami and Papi....ugh.  My favorite part of their conversation is that Juan has a huge lipstick smudge on his check the whole conversation.  

Juan thinks Lacy is a "happy camper."  I think she's a few logs short of a campfire.  Still better than Amy the masseuse, though...she's insane.  She loves his socks, and thinks he's beautiful and that they probably have a lot in common.  What that is, I'm not sure, since she seems to be enjoying the massage more than Juan Pablo.   If she doesn't go home tonight, she's this season's ABC mandated "the crazier you are the longer we'll make Juan Pablo keep you so viewers will turn in to see what whacked out thing you do this week."

First impression rose is out, and the girls are starting to freak out.  Maggie the Southern Stereotype says the rose "is not just a rose it's her future."  Good times.  Elise believes in love at first sight with JP...obviously he didn't feel the same, because he couldn't remember her name.  Bad sign for her chances.  The girls that aren't as outgoing are starting to panic because they haven't got their time, which may bring out some panicky craziness.  It looks like Lauren - the girl with the great life but sucky love life - might be our woman!  She's crying and asking the other girls how to get time with him.  Now she's hyperventilating and talking about how she's always positive and confident except for this situation..you know where you have to have those two qualities.  She's doing a great job of pouring her heart out to the other girls...a move that won't get her anywhere.  If one of the other girls drags her over to Juan Pablo and says "you need to talk to her" I'm going to flip out.  She reminds me of that one awkward girl in the sorority that all the sisters look out for and try to find some guy to take pity on her at a party.  In their minds, they're being "good sisters" looking out for her, but in reality they just want someone else to listen to her craziness so they can make bedroom eyes at they guy at the beer pong table.  Of course the guy that finally relents will make out with her and then not call her, which starts the cycle all over again.  

Lauren's only a few months out of a broken engagement.....she clearly shouldn't be here.  ABC really took advantage of this girl.  Shame on them, but then again, it's going to make for good tv for us, so shame on me too?  

Southern girl giggles that her first time on an airplane was coming out to see Juan Pablo...she's SO SOUTHERN!  Andi seems to be right up JP's alley, and Sharleen keeps reinforcing that she's different in a good way...opera singer from Canada and all.  Sharleen really tickles JP's fancy, so much so that he gives her the first impression rose.  She doesn't seem very enthusiastic about the whole deal.  He likes that she's different, but I think she's probably looking for someone who's EXACTLY like her.  I love how confident he is that she's being quiet and awkward because she's nervous, and it never enters his mind that she might not be interested in him.  The other girls are pissed that he wasted the rose on a girl who doesn't appreciate it.  She was going to have enough trouble fitting in before this.  She could be our candidate for this season's girl who excuses herself from the competition.

Time for the rose ceremony already?  Sometimes I feel like it takes forever to get to this point in an episode, but tonight I feel like it got here too soon.  I hope that continues as the season rolls on.  

Safe are Claire the Part-Mexican Pregnancy-Faker, Nikki the Nurse (my new favorite), Renee the Beach-Walking Mami, Andi the Camera-Conscious Prosecutor,  Alli the girl I don't remember seeing tonight, Chantal the girl in a blue dress who also happens to be african american, Some girl with her dog, Lauren the Piano Player, Cassandra the Idiot NBA Dancer (formerly), Emile the Random Girl, Chelsie the Bubbly Science Educator, Kat (not Kylie the redhead who REALLY wants a rose), Victoria the unremarkable, Christy the Impossibly Blonde, Lucy the Free Spirit (boy that really pissed off a few girls.) Elise (who will now believe her own love at first sight nonsense), and Amy (the weather girl with large facial features).

Gone are Maggie the Southern, Ashley the 1960's prostitute, Amy the Psycho Masseuse, Kylie the Attempted Rose Usurper, Lauren the recently engaged,  and a few other girls that weren't worth the goodbye screen time.   Surprised that Valerie is gone...she seemed like an obvious villain for the season.  Also surprised Lacy the Elderly Care girl is gone.  She seemed like a good bet for the "she's just too nice to not give a rose to" girl of the season.  

Season's just heating up...and looking at the scenes from upcoming episodes, our impossibly adorable bachelor is going to drive these ladies to unprecedented levels of craziness!