Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies it's time to board a jet for the "home of K-Pop and Gagnam Style." The girls start screaming, but you can tell that half of the girls have no clue where they're going yet. Also, apparently South Korea is known for it's catchy music and nothing else. To me, South Korea will always remind me of Janet Evans at the 1988 Olympics. I'm not sure why, but I was completely enamored with her, she was my first Olympic hero. Claire takes the early lead in the "Ignorant American" contest, remarking how she "doesn't even have a kimono."
The girls seem pretty chummy with each other as they tour the city and explore every inch of their hotel suite. Seems in stark contrast to all the previews and the solo confessionals ABC shows. True to form, as soon as Nikki starts whining about not getting one on one time, she's predictably thrown in on another group date. I wonder if the girl chose to read the date card has to read it multiple times with the names in different orders, pausing before reading the last name each time, so that ABC can get the right shot, or if there's some tricky editing that goes on to fit the situation. No less than one second after Nikki found out that she's on the group date, she starts trashing the other girls as "annoying" and bitching that her head is going to explode. So much for the sorority sister-bff vibe of the previous day!
How is it that the girls have no clue where they're going? Didn't Chris tell them that Korea was the home of K-Pop? That's literally the only thing he told them about Korea! Maybe some of them don't know what K-Pop is, but all of them? Apparently Korea's biggest pop group is a group called "21." I'd disagree because I've never heard of them and I have heard of Girls Generation. Nikki, after a little more whining about how group dates suck (she's losing points here for pouting), all of a sudden is star-struck about meeting a group with 77 million youtube views that she'd never heard of. Also, for reference, this catchy little ditty by Girls Generation has 114 million views:
21 (who I'm starting to think is the biggest pop group in Korea that also happens to speak flawless English for the convenience of an American television audience) asks who's going first on the dance floor, and Juan Pablo throws himself into it like the super good looking dork that he is. Kat is consistently showing that her bucket list contains only one item: to be in a music video. Nikki opts for the classic "I suck at this, so I'm going to make this as awkward as possible for everyone by pouting and half-assing everything" move, all the while dissing Kat for taking it seriously and actually trying to help the other girls learn the moves that come naturally to her. Nikki is in a free fall right now on my draft board. She needs to get back to the lovable nurse that seemed well adjusted and not crazy jealous psycho that boarded the plane to Korea.
Cassandra does an admirable job of pretending that she's never danced in front of thousands of people before, and Chelsie makes me feel old by saying her childhood dream was to be Britney Spears backup dancer. Fashion in Korea is apparently thirty years behind America, because they're all dressed up in '80s garb. The girls all love their outfits, except of course Nikki, who looks like sad, female Justin Bieber. I could not like her any less right now. Kat seems to think everyone's there to see her (no they're not.) I'm confused why everyone seems to think it would be so cool to be a backup dancer. Quick name me one backup dancer not named Federline. NOBODY CARES IF YOU'RE A BACKUP DANCER! If you go to an Usher concert, are you really watching the backup dancers? When Ke$ha was on Saturday Night Live, did I pay a lick of attention to the backup dancers? No. Aim higher ladies! Your dream should be to have backup dancers! Of course, if you're willing to be one of 25 ladies in Juan Pablo's harem (and let's be honest, they'd have been on the show no matter who the bachelor was) then you're probably ok with playing second fiddle you're whole life.
Nikki gets in one more dig about Kat's dancing ability. I'm guessing that if this date was about giving a kid an IV drip or a blood draw or something she wouldn't take over that date. She's being very petty right now. Kat's got her one on one time with Juan Pablo, and Nikki takes that time to trash her to the rest of the girls - and judging by their faces, they're not really agreeing with her, and Kat is using her one on one time to tell Juan Pablo about her parent's divorce twenty years ago. How is this still an issue for her? Why is she crying? Look, I'm not saying that divorce isn't a traumatic thing, because it is. But really?
Meanwhile Elise confirms my suspicions - the girls aren't really jumping on Nikki's hate train. Nikki, after talking about how Kat is one way around the girls and another when the camera's come on, does a bit of the same thing by shedding all her negativity and pettiness when she gets her time with Juan Pablo. Now she's excited and "giddy." Juan Pablo asks her how she feels about Camilla - which of course she says she loves kids and then curiously says that she's ready to be step-mom and that she's a great diaper changer. Camilla's four going on fourteen from the clips they've shown of her....not exactly diaper age. I suppose there's a chance that she's still in diapers, but if she is, oh my god I feel bad for Juan Pablo. Jocie's not even 2 and a half yet, and I'm like twitching at the idea of her being in diapers for another year and a half.
Elise, after calling Nikki the most negative person in the house, immediately says "yuck" when she realizes Nikki gets the first rose. Kat still can't believe that her popping and locking didn't result in a rose. Nikki now has two group dates and two roses from those dates. I'd say she's sitting pretty. Juan Pablo doesn't need to take her on a one on one because he doesn't need more time to see if she's worthy of continuing on the show, but he doesn't want her to feel neglected, so he pins that rose on her to let her know he's thinking about her. Still think she's a lock for the top four, despite being a real whiny girl.
First one-on-one of the Korean adventure goes to Sharleen. They go to a market, and here's our first mocking the local culture date of the season! Look they wear funny, uncomfortable dresses! Korean malls are confusing! They eat weird stuff! After they leave the mall, they go to a tea house and Juan Pablo looks at her like a total dork as he says "when did you start singing?" He has the look of an elementary school reporter. He asks basic questions and waits for the answer like he just asked a question of a presidential candidate in a debate.
Sharleen sings for him briefly, after making a big stink about how she didn't want to sing, and then they kiss. Sharleen says Juan's a good kisser, but she looks awful when she kisses him. I'd now like to take the time to thank God that there's not someone with a camera filming every kiss I share with someone, because I probably look awful too. I mean, I'd say I'm a pretty experienced Pepsi drinker, but I still spill a little bit on my shirt more often than I'd like to admit. Maybe she really has only ever kissed other opera singers? They all open their mouths super wide when they're singing, maybe it translates to kissing too? I mean, if you'd never had pizza before and then you went to Little Caesar's, you'd be able to say truthfully that it's a good pizza, right?
Sharleen has surprised me this season - I thought I was going to hate her the first night, but since then I've found myself doing less typing and more watching when she's on the screen than any other girl. It seems like she's surprising herself too, as she keeps saying how surprising it is how much she's enjoying Juan's company.
Juan then asks how many kids she wants, and ABC feels now is the time to show the girls dishing about how they think Sharleen isn't down with the kids. Renee leads the charge, even going so far as to say that she doesn't think Sharleen's coming home. Juan continues to press, and to Sharleen's credit, she tells Juan Pablo the truth, even though she knows it's not what he wants to hear. She can't even look at him while she tells her story of dating a guy with a daughter and how it didn't go well. I mean, you can't think of a worse story to tell this guy. So yes, I admire her for being honest. And I admire Juan Pablo for acknowledging her honesty and giving her a rose. True to form, Juan Pablo continues his streak of assuming he knows exactly what's going on in these girls heads. Has there ever been a person more sure of themselves than Juan Pablo? I'll bet the guy pisses pure confidence.
Group Date #2 with the leftover women. We start with karaoke in a giant dollhouse. Somehow, this might be the thing about Korean culture that isn't mocked by the ladies. Next they take pictures in a photo booth and ride paddle boats shaped like enormous swans. Naturally, this is followed by letting fish eat the dead skin off your feet. Naturally. This is followed by a trip to a Korean food truck type thing. Claire just offers up out of nowhere "please tell me we're not eating octopus." Of course, this is the #1 way to ensure you will be eating octopus. I think Claire knows this, and ensures that they eat something semi weird that she knows she can handle, but can act like she really made a big leap to prove that she's willing to put herself out there for Juan Pablo. Dog Lover (is her name Kellie? I forget) makes a really tacky oral sex joke (as if the size of the octopus was the issue) and Claire dramatically chokes down the cephalopod morsel.
After party time! Renee gets the first one-on-one time, and says that "it's getting easier" to be away from her son. Ben, your therapist will see you now. Renee says how much she wants to kiss Juan Pablo, and then thinks the best way to do this is to mention kissing and his daughter in the same sentence. Boom goes the dynamite. Mood has been obliterated. Juan Pablo then boasts to the camera "I've kissed six girls already, but I don't want my daughter to see me kissing twenty." As a dad, I can safely say you only have to do something once for your kid to pick up on it. It doesn't matter if you pick your nose once or seventeen times. If your kid sees you doing it, they're going to think it's ok. If you don't wear your seatbelt on one trip to the store out of hundreds of trips to the store, that's the one trip they're going to remember.
All the girls are really hung up on this kissing business, but none more than Lauren the awkward piano cyclist. She thinks that his refusal to kiss her means he's just not that into her. Juan Pablo has set a precedent here, and when you change the rules of the game halfway through, people get kind of pissed. You can't just play Calvinball with people's emotions. Lauren's got a right to be upset. Juan tells her to trust her gut, which is his way of saying "just send yourself home." Renee surprisingly cedes her role as comforting mother to Andi, who is nowhere near as good at it as Renee is. She actually said "you're probably just friends!" before she realizes the awfulness of her mistake by saying "but relationships can start as friends!" Lauren, you got put in a really bad situation tonight, and my heart goes out to you.
Compounding the situation is Claire playing the stupid girl. "OMG I ATE OCTOPUS!" I take it back, she's not playing the stupid girl, she is the stupid girl. Juan Pablo then calvinball's the group by basically saying his no kissing rule applies only to girls he hasn't already kissed. If he thinks Claire isn't going to tell the other girls he kissed her, he's an idiot. I hope that kiss was good, because you just sacrificed a lot of sanity the rest of the season for a few minutes of making out. At this point, Lauren should go home. I never read that "He's Just Not That Into You" book, but I'd imagine that one of the chapters was "he says he's not ready to kiss you, then kisses some one else later that night." As my buddy Charles Ramsey would say, "dead giveaway!" Andi gets the rose, evidently for telling him he's a bad dancer. Never underestimate the power of an insult when flirting. We are a stupid stupid species.
Claire talks about how great stepping out of her comfort zone is. Ugh. Then she just starts to go into how amazing her dad was, and how she's waited for so long to find "the one" because of that when Nikki swoops in to steal him. Claire is not happy. Nikki's one on one time is a little more substantive, but she leaves it awkwardly when he brings up tension in the house. Nikki's convinced Claire put this in his head, and voices this concern to Dog Lover, who is already a documented Claire hater. Claire makes her way over to the two of them. Rather than handle the situation with a scalpel, Dog Lover takes a sledgehammer to the situation by saying "JP told Nikki he thought there was tension in the house, and this was right after he talked to you, so Nikki thinks you told him she was a cancer to the harem." I'm done with Dog Lover. She's not bringing anything to the table, and it doesn't appear her dog made the trip to Korea, so really what was the point of bringing your dog in the first place? Claire and Nikki bicker back and forth before ending with Claire telling Nikki she wouldn't give her a rose and Nikki answering back "good thing you're not handing them out." We'll give that point to Nikki, but barely. She was like the least of three evils in that situation.
On to the rose ceremony. Chris comes in to set everyone on edge by reminding them how long the reject flight home is. Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen are already safe, and joining them are Renee, Chelsie, Kelly (boooooo!), Danielle (why?), Cassandra (why the long pause before that rose?), Alison (is she Andi's sister? I didn't even realize they were two different people until right now), Claire (he misses her kisses already!), and Kat. Gone are Elise and Lauren the rejected kisser. Lauren got really humiliated on this episode, and I feel bad for her. She thinks she did something wrong, but I really think she played it well...she just never had a chance from the beginning. Elise handled it fairly well - although it's hard to make a graceful exit with a dress that looks like a cross between a ball gown and a hooker's uniform. She really couldn't make up her mind on that one. Her exit is almost as conflicted as her dress, as she tries to find a respectful way to call all the other girls bitches.
Apparently Juan Pablo feels he has set a good enough example for his daughter, because next week is all about the making out! Eesh buddy. In fifteen years when your daughter is asking you to hustle one boy out the back door so she can welcome another in the front, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.
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