Welcome back....I've got a bit of an issue with ABC apparently requiring me to watch on Sunday nights now too. Already Claire has been given the first date card? This is not ok with me, ABC. I already devote way to much time of my life to your franchise, and my kids don't really understand when I tell them that Daddy needs them to go to sleep early so that I can watch the "Batch-el-LOR" as Juan Pablo says it.
And the blindfold comes out, and the girls are having all sorts of 50 Shades of Grey fantasies as they squeal and ooh and ahh as Claire is whisked away unable to see. The big surprise is....fake snow! Looks like a fun time as they sled and dress Juan Pablo up as an 1800's snow man. It's an ultimate fairy tale to Claire. Am I the only one that gets a little Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe vibe from the fake forest they're in? If some half goat man comes running out of the trees, I'd declare this the best date ever.
Back at the ranch, the girls are talking it out, and the big scandal is that Lucy the free spirit is letting both of her spirits free. "I think she forgot to pack bikini tops" one girl laments. I think the bigger shock would be if the hippie girl actually had some sort of undergarment on. Isn't that kind of their thing, to let everything just kinda "blow in the wind?" To their credit, the other girls in the pool are just kind of rolling with it.
Claire, after a few hours of playing in fake snow, has determined that Juan Pablo is emotionally secure and will be there for her for ever and for always. This always happens to the first date girl. She's setting herself up for a trip to crazy town by herself.
Kat gets the second one on one day. I'm not sure who she is, other than the girl who actually got the rose when the princessy redhead misinterpreted Juan Pablo's accent and thought he called her name at the first ceremony.
Back on the date, Claire says that Juan Pablo is so sexy, she has to tell him how much he needs to be like her father. I want to like Claire, but she's making it really hard. This is the first time she's put herself out there since her father's passing "many years ago" as she says. No better way to ease yourself back into the world than slapping on a bikini in front of millions of people with a guy who (oh by the way) is dating 26 other women concurrently.
Juan Pablo SAYS he is glad she is opening up, but he certainly doesn't seem to be too interested in it. She's sitting there prattling on about her dad, all the while he's nibbling on her ear. Way to pay attention, bud. Of course, if she really was concerned with him HEARING her, she'd stop him and say "this is important." But no, she's totally fine with him smothering her words of woe with his Venezuelan lips. "You taste like snow" she says. IT'S FAKE SNOW!
YOU GUYS! THERE'S A SASQUATCH IN THIS FAKE SNOW FOREST! AND HE'S GOT A MICROPHONE! Oh, never mind. It's some anonymous singer trying to make good on his agent's big money gamble to get him recognized. Ironic, though, that Bigfoot is the realest thing about this date. Way to flip the script, ABC.
Quick note - Claire is amazed that it's fake snowing in a fake forest with a Sasquatch serenading her while she lightly pats Juan Pablo's hindquarters like a set of bongos. At this point Hulk Hogan could drive one of those mini Shriner's Cars that they use in parades out there and I'd barely do a double take.
I'm not even sure who the dog-lover is, but her dog is getting more airtime than she is. That's not a good sign for her. If your pet is the most interesting thing about you, you're not marriage material in my book. Also not a good sign - you're a dog lover and Juan Pablo selected a girl named Kat for a one-on-one date the first week.
Kat gushes she has never been on a private jet before (get in line, sweetheart). Then she says that she "could get used to being with the man of her dreams who likes doing 'things like that.' You know that this isn't Juan Pablo's plane, right? She's allowed her mind to run completely wild, thinking he's taking her to New York City (you know this is a one-day date, right). Instead, they don electric clothing and fly to a rave in.....Salt Lake City? Nevermind, it's not a rave, it's a 5k race? Utah finds some really inventive ways to have non-alcoholic fun, don't they? Juan Pablo looks like he was born to wear neon clothing under LED-lit trees with umbrellas in them. This is his element.
Back on the farm, the group date is announced, and Amy the Weathergirl is upset because "she came here to get to know Juan Pablo." You don't say? She's worried that there's a rose ceremony coming up and she hasn't got any time. She should take solace in the fact that the opera girl who got the first impression rose also is not going on a date, so it doesn't really mean anything....of course she won't though.
Another quick side note going back to last week - Opera Singer is different from most Bachelor contestants, and that's what I like about her (and apparently what Juan Pablo liked as well.) HOWEVER, you forfeit your right to act like you're better than other people on the Bachelor when you APPLY TO GO ON THE BACHELOR. You may be different, but you still are there fame-grabbing with the topless girl and all the people with dead relatives they're exploiting and the drunks. Own it, Brunhilde. (Sorry, that's the only opera name I know).
Group date time! 13 times the crazy. Dog Lover finally gets some air time- and it turns out her name is Kelly. She looks like a resident of Whoville. Lauren the musician says he looks "extra hot" because he's wearing blue and he has arms or something. I'm really waiting for the girl who says "I was a little disappointed in Juan Pablo's look today - he shaved his stubble and is wearing long sleeves. Surprise, it's a photo shoot, and your photographer is a creepy bald dude with a blue beard. Oh, and your co-models are dogs who apparently like to hump each other and poop anywhere they damn well please. Seems pretty sanitary. Apparently these people are for the ethical treatment of all animals....and that ethical treatment includes painting the dog's face blue in one instance. Kill me now.
Chelsie makes the obligatory "what up bitches? You know, the dogs" joke. Lame, but not as creepy as Blue Beard giggling as he tells girls that aren't professional models that they need to take all their clothes off and hold a sign in front of their naughty bits. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's completely unsympathetic to their reservations. This is a pretty impossible situation for the ladies - do you bow out and risk showing Juan Pablo that you're not comfortable with your body (something that maybe carries a little more weight because he's foreign and nudity isn't that big of a deal to him)? Does your stance against nudity make him respect that you're a strong woman who is not willing to compromise on your morals? Why doesn't anyone offer to switch with the hippie who clearly would not have any problem holding a sign (or just standing naked next to it)?
Andi and Elise aren't feeling it. Blue Beard goes with the total creep show move of trying to rationalize to her that the parents of her first grade students won't be focusing on her nakedness, they'll be focusing on the dogs. What a crock of crap. Never trust a man with a blue beard, ladies. Elise does the sensible thing and flips costumes with Lucy, leaving Andi as the one who has to rationalize that this is for a good cause. Seriously, it's gotta be better than the Dog Lover, who they painted to look like the world's ugliest half-dog, half-woman. Jesus that getup is terrifying.
While Andi finds a stray piece of machinery to worry on, Juan Pablo saunters over to say "hey I'm going to be naked too, so it's all good. She says "I can tell Juan Pablo is out of his comfort zone" which is an outright lie. That guy has been naked with more than one girl and a camera before, I can almost guarantee it. In the meantime, the girls seem to think that no dogs anywhere will get adopted if they don't take their clothes off or let themselves be painted to look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain. Give me a break. Nobody is going to adopt a dog because they watched this episode of the Bachelor. Maybe, MAYBE, a portion of the money made off that calendar will go to animal adoption, but I doubt it. Also, are they going to show us how to get our hands on that calendar? Because if they don't offer that info up on the show, they really aren't concerned about helping dogs at all. You know Blue Beard isn't. He's trying to figure out which one of these dogs he can shave to use their fur for a poofy hat he can put on a naked model.
AFTER PARTY! Nobody's painted up, nobody's naked (YET!). Shockingly, this party takes place at a rooftop pool.
First up with one on one time is Cassandra, the 21(!) year old former NBA dancer who has a son named Trey. Is that Trey, as in slang for a three pointer? I'm saying there's a 75% chance that kid is the illegitimate offspring of an NBA player. Cassandra claims that her son is writing in a journal to her every night. Can I call BS? He's 2! I gave my 2 year old daughter a pen tonight and told her "only color on the paper" She mangled the paper and then drew all over a cd case. My six year old son keeps a journal. The other day he wrote "IM GoiG to MY GraMMU AND POOPa toDay. I wootin Ta Leev oon ChristmaMas eav." Not going to lie, I'm super proud that Jonah can write something that I can decipher. I just don't think she's going to get much out of the chicken scratch her son writes. Is it mean to guess that if he could write legibly, he'd probably write "where's my dad?" Just kidding. I know that's mean. But you probably nodded, so I'll save room for you on the bus to hell, too.
NOTE: I've since been informed that it was actually Renee's son who is writing a journal, not the two year old. I was typing and not watching and missed the transition from Cassandra to Renee. I'm leaving that paragraph in though, because I find it funny.
Victoria may be joining us. She's hammered. She claims she's not, but saying "HEEEEEEEY ROOMIE" is a dead giveaway. Victoria gives us some classic drunk girl quotes like "life is about straddling people....and things." and "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch." You go gurl. You may be competing with that one dude on Emily's season that got super hammered on the first night and had to be sent home for drunkest contestant ever.
Victoria is drunk in the hot tub - always a bad combo. It's getting worse, as she twerks alone and rambles about straddling and heimlich maneuvers. Victoria goes to encroach on Nikki's alone time, then backs off and goes to cry in the bathroom. Renee, the elder stateswoman of the group, does the motherly thing and goes to see what's wrong. Victoria has locked herself in a stall though, so Renee does the classy thing and shimmies under the door like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment. Between Victoria's irrational sobs and profanity laden rants, Renee rubs her shoulder and says the biggest lie ever uttered on the show: "Everyone's so glad you're here." Victoria excuses herself from the show at this point, and yet another sasquatch looking dude (this one a production assistant) has to explain to her that he can't let her leave because he hasn't booked her a flight or a cab or anything and it's probably not a good idea for a girl in her state of inebriation to be stumbling down a downtown LA street barefoot in a bikini. Not to be deterred, she's starts prancing like a deer for some reason and frolics her way back into her bathroom stall of safety.
Juan Pablo, after being summoned by a surprisingly rational Lucy, goes to talk to Victoria. She has none of it though, and Juan Pablo is unwilling to Zeta-Jones his way into the stall. I do like the fact that he gives it two quick attempts to talk to her, then just backs away. He gives the girls a "don't go to hard on her, this is a rough situation" speech, which the other girls EAT UP. I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo has never had a bad day in his life, and has never slept a night alone since he was 18 years old, unless it was by his choice.
Back at the house, the girls sit around in their bikinis and recap Victoria's antics. Somehow, Victoria parlayed this into a private hotel room and some one on one time at the hotel. She completely mishandles the situation, trying to shrug it off by saying "I guess I should apologize or whatever." Then she says she had a good time up until her "bathroom incident." The longer Juan Pablo sits there and says nothing, the more she owns up to it. She starts to take responsibility for her actions a little more in a futile attempt to salvage her time on the show. I like that Juan Pablo allowed her to own up to her actions before cutting her loose. As messy as that situation could've been, they both kind of handled it well, to the point that I don't even think Victoria was upset that she was getting dumped in a very abrupt manner.
Time for the cocktail party/rose ceremony and the girls are freaking out because "so much is still up in the air" and "anything could happen." Cassandra is really worried about what Juan Pablo is thinking, which doesn't make much sense based on what we saw on camera.
Juan Pablo does a lot of little things that make it impossible for these ladies to be upset at him even when he whisks off another girl. He was respectful when referring to Victoria and then explains that he's going to talk to the girls who didn't go on dates first and then actually goes to meet Amy and take her hand rather than making her walk all the way across the room to him. It's a subtle thing, but I think that women really respond to those things. Take notes, guys. Juan Pablo is taking us all to school.
Cassandra again is struggling - this time with the English language. "I just feel like this whole situation is just hard to like put all the other girls aside and like focus on our....thing...and it's like also hard for me because I have like my son..." She then goes off to cry over pictures of her son. I was going to make a "come on, nobody just has 4x6's with them anymore" but I suppose they do take away all of your digital media devices. She starts crying, and once again, Renee gets to play the motherly role. If Juan Pablo is looking for someone to be a mother to his daughter, Renee is the clear choice at this point. Close second is Nurse Nikki.
Juan Pablo again says all the right things (the guy is a WIZARD) and Cassandra is totally back on track. Juan Pablo says that she knows what a mom is. I'll give him that. She could explain to you what the word mom means (while only using the word "like" four times!) and probably also spell it. Beyond that, I'm not sold. She's 21 for God's sake. If I'd been a father at 21 I would've failed miserably at parenting. There's no way I was equipped to care for a small person at that point in my life. Sure, there are some people that are mature enough at 21 to handle things like that (I know a few) but none of them were unemployed former cheerleaders who thought the best parenting decision they could make was to go on a reality show.
At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo pardons Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharlene, Renee, Some girl whose name I couldn't understand and am pretty sure hasn't been on the show up to this point, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy, in addition to Claire, Kat, and Kelly. Gone are Amy and Chantel. Once again, the African American contestant gets an "affirmative action" pass on night one, only to be dispatched shortly thereafter.
Well, judging from the previews for next week, Juan has completely thrown out Sean's advice to not kiss a girl in front of the other contestants. That's OK though, because I wouldn't trust anything Sean told me either. I still hate that guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment