That's right....Bachelor is back!!! Farmer Chris is back to bore us all to death and subject us to a bazillion bad farm puns, such as "I'd let him plow my field" and "I can't wait to roll in the hay with him!" Now that we're only a month away from the premiere, ABC has generously let us have a peek at the ladies online, with glamor shots taken at a local JC Penney, made up job titles such as "cadaver tissue saleswoman," "WWE Diva in training," and "sport fishing enthusiast," and - my favorite - completely absurd question and answer sessions! Our ages range from 21 to 33.
A new wrinkle in the bios this year is the addition of fill in the blanks! "If I never had to _____, I would be very happy/sad." This could be fun....
....or it could be super boring. Our first girl up is Alissa, who is 24 and from Hamilton, NJ. She would be happy to never upset anyone again, and sad if she never got to play with puppies. Unfortunately for her, she's a flight attendant, so there's a 100% chance she's going to piss someone off on the next flight by calmly explaining that their guitar case is not a carry-on and cannot be stored under the seat in front of them. Rough gig. Her bio has a couple typos, which I'm blaming on her (perhaps unfairly) and her biggest achievement to date is getting a yoga certification. It's tough asking someone in their early twenties what their biggest accomplishment is. I think my biggest accomplishment at 24 was that I had somehow managed to not flunk out of college yet. Anyways I don't give her much chance of winning.
Skipping ahead a little bit, we meet Bo, a plus-size model from California. She's immediately disqualified for contradicting herself by saying she has no fears and is open to new experiences, then saying she'd be happy if she never had to skydive. Also, answering the "three people you'd like to have at dinner" with Beyonce, Rihanna, and....Mother Theresa. Again with the typos - pretty sure it's Teresa. I'm absolutely blown away with the lack of effort people put into their spelling these days. Say you went to a restaurant and ordered a burger with no pickles. Now, if that burger shows up and has pickles on it, you're kinda pissed about it, right? Now imagine you went to the waiter and said "this isn't right, it has pickles on it," and he shrugged and said "whatever, it's still a burger right?" THIS IS HOW SOCIETY TREATS SPELLING THESE DAYS. Makes me furious.
I'm now completely paranoid that there will be a typo in this blog.
Jesus, there's thirty of these girls? Let's stop breaking them down and just hand out some way too early, super-judgmental awards to the contestants.
Most Superfluous Use of the Letter E in a name: Juelia or Reegan (tie)
Girl Who Will be Hated by Other Girls Because She's Super Pretty: Tracy
I could see her walking in and all the other girls tittering "what's so special about her?" because nobody wants to admit that she's better looking than them. She's like a 2014 version of Kelly Kapowski. Also, is that a lanyard around her neck? It looks like a lanyard with one of those special keys to turn on lights in the gyms at elementary schools.
Girl Who Will be Hated Because She's "Not There for the Right Reasons:" Brittany
She's a WWE Diva in Training and is wearing the most sexually suggestive top of any of the contestants in her glamor photo. She'll be this season's Tierra/Courtney/Clare for sure. Good luck.
Girls Who Will Be Hated For No Apparent Reason: The Rest of Them
That's why we watch!
Girl Who Probably Never Took a Women's Studies Course: Jordan
Thinks the best way to impress a guy is to "do a sexy dance for him." Given the chance to be anyone for day, she'd chose this woman:
Most Confused Girl: Megan
Can't live without her phone, hates when guys text while talking to her. Wants to be a lion because "they are leaders." Pretty sure only one lion is the leader, Toots. Thinks getting drunk and puking in her purse makes her "adventurous." I hope she stays around longer than she probably should on this show.
Don't Even Bother Getting Out of the Limo: Kara
She's a high school soccer coach at 25! She's gotta be fun, right? She's from Kentucky, so she'll have an adorable accent. I'm predicting she'll be totally sweet, but completely out of her element and overwhelmed. I mean, look at the shirt she's wearing:
What is with those sleeves? Maybe she'll get lucky and Megan will assume she's a leader and help her along.
"On Paper" Favorite to Win: Kimberly
She's pretty, a yoga instructor who graduated from college with honors, loves to get dressed up, and never wants to worry about money. Sounds like a perfect match for a rich farmer. Also says one of her favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption, which is way too obvious, but everyone has seen it so it's a good conversation starter in a pinch.
Girl Who Gets My First Impression Rose: Nicole
She's the only redhead, she has the most exaggerated head tilt of any of the glamor shots, and her favorite animal is a wolf because "they're magical and bad-ass creatures." One of the only people who gave intelligent, somewhat thoughtful, and funny answers to questions. My endorsement of course means she'll be gone within the first three weeks.
Girl Who Will Get Farmer Chris' First Impression Rose: Tandra
Tall (like two inches taller than the plus size model tall) blonde with the whitest teeth I've ever seen and a "real" job (executive assistant). I think she'll stand out. I've heard some guys are into that sort of thing.....
Well there you have it. I think there's potential here, but then again I purposefully didn't watch the promo video for the season because I didn't want to be disappointed right away.
Even as I write this, I know it won't change anything. Christmas and Halloween have already won the holiday season. Thanksgiving truly is the middle child of holidays....it just kind of hangs out in the middle doing whatever it wants without anyone paying attention to it. My kids keep asking why we can't just speed ahead to Christmas. My son forgot the name of Thanksgiving the other day, asking me what that holiday coming up was called. My daughter has been watching Frosty the Snowman before bed every night and demands Christmas songs in the car now. I'm losing the fight to make Thanksgiving relevant in my own home. Maybe that's the problem...Thanksgiving doesn't have a hook for the kids. Halloween has the candy and the costumes, Christmas has the presents. Thanksgiving has turkey and mashed potatoes. Not exactly the kind of stuff kids go bonkers for.
I'm not sure how people have missed the boat on commercializing Thanksgiving, and maybe that's what I love about it. It's not promoted by the candy companies like Halloween, or exploited by everyone from Hot Wheels to Lexus like Christmas. Maybe that's what I like about it actually - it's a holiday just because. Now, let's break down the three major holidays of the season:
Federal Holiday?
Halloween: Nope. We all still have to work
Thanksgiving: Since 1863. Thanks, President Lincoln
Christmas. Since 1870 Advantage: Thanksgiving. GUARANTEED FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Stick that in your corncob pipe and smoke it, Frosty. Traditional Outfit:
Halloween:
Sexy snowman? Sexy snowman.
Thanksgiving:
Matching T-shirts for a Turkey Bowl!
Christmas:
Those smiles are masking some real shame
Advantage: Push. This one is too open for debate for me to decide. I love people's Halloween costumes (not just the sexy ones), but I think the last time I actually wore a costume was like 1993. And I'm not into the sweater thing. I just don't get it. I like that there's no pressure to impress on Thanksgiving.
Charlie Brown Special:
Halloween has the Great Pumpkin, Christmas has the Linus speech about the Angel of the Lord, and the Thanksgiving special has.....well if you can tell me one thing that happens in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, you're a better man than me.
Advantage: Christmas
Music:
Halloween:
Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
Thanksgiving:
Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"
Christmas:
Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas"
These are the most popular songs of each season according to Billboard music, so don't get mad at me. Actually, Billboard didn't make a Thanksgiving list, giving you an idea of where it ranks. As awesome as Thriller is, it doesn't have much backing it up. Christmas gets a whole month for its music. Sure everyone's sick of it by December 15th, but for sheer volume, Christmas has this covered. Advantage: Christmas
Decorations:
Christmas used to be the undisputed king of this, but Halloween is starting to give it a run for its money. Also, the sudden, inexplicable rise of giant inflatable monstrosities is starting to tarnish Christmases once pristine reputation. Advantage: Halloween
Food:
Halloween has candy. Christmas has ham, I guess. But Thanksgiving crushes the competition here. This is a day that prompted John Madden to stuff a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey and call it a "turducken." The holiday itself is literally about being thankful for having food, so we celebrate by EATING ALL OF IT. Advantage: Thanksgiving
TV:
Halloween has a couple yearly specials (Charlie Brown, Simpsons, that new Toy Story one), and Christmas has a bazillion crappy celebrity variety shows now. Those all air in advance however, rarely on the actual day. Thanksgiving has the Macy's parade and then football....ALL DAY. Although it still baffles me that the Detroit Lions somehow secured one of the games every year. Advantage: Thanksgiving
Movies:
We don't even need to discuss this one. Advantage: Christmas
So upon further review, it seems like the holidays are pretty close according to the tale of the tape. Respect the turkey. It has feelings too.
This past Saturday I had the privilege of being a fan at one of the greatest sporting events in Oregon history. It didn't involve the TrailBlazers, Timbers, Winterhawks, Beavers, Ducks, or any other team with players who get paid to play (see what I did there?). It involved the Dark Knights of AYSO Region 870 squaring off against the Renegades.
Major League Baseball likes to promote its annual All-Star Game with the tag line "this one means something," a reference to the winning league of the game securing home field advantage for its participant in the World Series that year (go Angels!). As is the case with just about every meaningful "greatest" game played, something has to be at stake, be it a championship, rivalry, comeback story, "David vs. Goliath," matchup, whatever. There has to be a backstory.
The story of why this random soccer game between a bunch of first and second graders from Albany was so great begins about a year ago. My wonderful wife Rachel had volunteered to coach Jonah's AYSO team, and as a result would have to go through mandatory "coach orientation" prior to beginning the season. Nobody enjoys these things, but when the instructor launches into a lecture about teaching "the five principles of offensive play" to the coaches of a bunch of elementary schoolers, it gets even more unbearable. Rachel came home from that meeting with a very negative view of AYSO in general, thinking the whole organization could stand to take it down a notch on the self-importancy scale.
Fast forward a few months to the final game of the season. U-6 soccer games are just 3-on-3 scrimmages with no goalies and no score kept.....the idea behind this is to encourage having fun on the field over winning and losing I'd assume. Before the last quarter, Rachel and the opposing coach got together and agreed to let all five kids on their rosters play together for the final five minutes - because who really wants to sit on the sidelines and watch the last few minutes of their season? Who could see a problem with this? The answer to that question: Mr. Five Principles of Offensive Play, that's who. He saw this occurring from another field, made his way over to Rachel, and - while the game is still in play - proceeds to tell Rachel that she "can't do this" and that "the league will hear about this." Rachel is not exactly the kind of person you tell that she can't do something, and it'd didn't sit well with her. If he made good on his threat to narc on her to the league I can't say, because it certainly never came back to Rachel.
When this season started, Rachel noticed a familiar name on the coaching roster - yep, you guessed it. The showdown was set for the fourth game of the season. When Rachel saw that game on the schedule, she said "I don't care if we lose every other game, we will not lose that one." Keep in mind that score isn't officially kept for U-8 games either. No matter, Rachel does not like to lose. For reference, here is her reaction after losing a dance battle to her six year old son in Just Dance 2014 on the Wii:
The first few games of the season were a struggle for the Dark Knights. After dropping the first game 2-0 on a pair of own-goals, the team was completely overwhelmed in the second game, losing 6-1. Again, no official score keeping is kept, but we don't pay attention to that in this household. Coach Rachel was starting to doubt her abilities as a coach. From my sideline seat, I got the impression that the team was having a little trouble adjusting to the larger size of the U-8 field (it's probably twice as big as the U-6 version) and weren't really translating the skills and concepts they executed in practice to the games. I think there were more than a few times that Rachel and I discussed that she had a team of really good kids that just probably needed a few more games to really understand what was going on. By the third game, they'd figured it out. Rachel had asked Jonah to kind of be more vocal on the field. Our son has become a legitimate soccer nut over the past year - playing FIFA games on the iPad, watching Premier League games with me on Sunday mornings, begging Rachel and I to kick the ball around with him in the backyard during every free moment. As a result, he's starting to have a more advanced understanding of what needs to happen on the field. He took Rachel's suggestion to heart, even organizing the team into a wall in front of the goal during corner kicks without being instructed to. The Dark Knights prevailed 3-0 that day, setting the stage for Saturday's showdown.
Rachel was gradually getting more anxious throughout the week. On Thursday, she made sure to stress to the parents that they needed to have the kids there by 8:30 (our team has a tendency to show up just prior to kick.) On Friday, Jonah told me he couldn't wait to play soccer tomorrow, because he was so excited to "beat mommy's nemesis." By Saturday morning, Rachel was in a full frenzy . Her alarm went off at 5 am, so she could get her workout in and be home in time for me to go on my usual weekend 3 mile jog by 6:30. By the time I rolled out of bed at 6:45, Rachel was already back and showered. She says to me "You were supposed to be out jogging 15 minutes ago. Stick to the schedule!" Yes, ma'am. When I got back from my jog around 7:30, Jonah was already in his uniform and he and Rachel were having a rematch in Just Dance on the Wii, in which Rachel redeemed herself by crushing Jonah. "I didn't have that bad controller today" she said triumphantly.
When we arrived at the field 35 minutes prior to the 9am kick-off, I assumed we'd be the first people to the field. However, the opposing coach had beaten us there. As we set up the field, Jonah loudly asked "hey mom, which one is the coach you don't like?" Thankfully, nobody heard that, and Rachel calmly explained to Jonah that it wasn't that he was a bad guy, he just did things a different way than mommy did, and that she wanted to win to prove that his way wasn't the only way to get positive results. Then, the coach comes over to ask Rachel which sideline she preferred to be on. Up until this point of the season, the teams and the spectators had all been on the same side of the field for every game. He was adamant, however, that the teams and the fans be on OPPOSITE sides of the field. This guy is 100% by the book. Then, he comes over to Rachel with the referee to make sure that Rachel is OK with them instituting the "mercy rule" in the event that "the game gets out of hand." Rachel calmly says "That's fine, but my team's not going to need it." (Author's note: I LOVE MY WIFE.)
The game starts, and for the next forty minutes, I saw a bunch of six and seven year olds play one of the best games ever. The kids were hustling all over the field, plays were being made, and the crowd LOVED IT. I don't think I'm overstating the fact that Rachel's determination was felt by every single person there. The referee kept lauding the players' effort during the game, saying "this is one of the best games I've ever refereed" at one point. My dad, who is a life-long soccer hater, said "if every soccer game was like this one, I'd have no problem with it."
The game ended in a 1-1 tie, and nobody went home disappointed. I literally ran across the field after the game to give my wife a hug because I was so proud of the performance of her team. Also, I was pretty relieved for her. "I can live with that," she said, smiling after the game. We all could. I think she had a new level of appreciation for her nemesis too, as he turned out to be a pretty good coach who was positive and fair with his team throughout, despite the fact that we all had the impression that this was the first game they hadn't absolutely blitzed the competition. My mom said at the end of the game she noticed that our team's entire cheering section immediately stood up and cheered loudly, while the other team's fans kind of just stood up and started ambling towards the field to greet their kids, as if they weren't used to what they had just seen.
I didn't notice, I was too busy running to congratulate my wife and son, who both made me pretty proud.
I know that hardly anyone's going to be interested in actually watching the game, but I posted the whole game on YouTube because it really was a game that I think our whole family will be talking about for years. If you do watch it, I apologize for the poor camera work. I take my duties as a dad far more seriously than my duties as a videographer. As a result, there's many times when I'll forget to move the camera with the action and you get a lovely shot of an empty field. Also, the battery died with about 3 minutes left in the game. Thankfully, nothing of consequence happened in those last three minutes. Anyways, here's the game, broken up by quarter:
Remember the good ol' days? When what happened in the fantasy suite stayed in the fantasy suite? Yeah, I hated those days too. The new Bachelor norm is to make like Salt n' Pepa and talk about sex all the time. But that was the end of the episode. Let's start at the beginning.
I know I missed recapping last week's episode, but it could basically be summed up by saying that the producers realized that people were paired up quicker than maybe they expected, so they had to make up a bunch of drama to fill time in order to make it to the end of the season. This is why we get multiple women pretending to be infatuated with this guy:
Sarah was so fake-infatuated that she felt the need to break up with a guy who had been nothing but respectful and nice to her from the get-go (or at least once he was rejected by Lacy). Of course, he has conveniently planned a romantic time for them on the beach just as Sarah has decided to break up with him, and she abandons her plans and gleefully runs back into his arms. Jackie wasn't quite so Brooks smitten, but still marveled at the fact he spoke Spanish and laughed at his horrible dinner jokes. In the end, Brooks and his constant jokey chatter went home, and everyone was happier for it.
So now we're down to an even dozen, and Chris Harrison has proclaimed that the "game" is about to change. Of course they all act like he's just volunteered them all as Tributes for the next Hunger Games, because Chris Harrison is pretty much their deity - or maybe their dictator. I'm not sure. Anyways, God Harrison proclaims that the couples need to decide to break-up or commit to a long term relationship. Because there is no other option. Those who break up must leave the island immediately. Those that choose to make a go of it get to stay for a few hours more. That's pretty much it. The whole thing seemed like a really anticlimactic way to end the season.
But then Michelle, designated house mother/St. Bernard nanny from Peter Pan of the group, decides that she's tired of AshLee using her mind control boobs to poison Graham's mind, and let's him know that she's not right for him and he needs to break up with her. Graham's body language response is basically "OH THANK GOD SOMEONE GAVE ME A WAY OUT." Graham offers no counterpoint to Michelle's line of reasoning, and practically skips his way over to AshLee's hut to break up with her. Then, with no explanation of why, he tells her that "he doesn't think what they have will last once they go home." Even more curiously, AshLee never asks for one. She just kind of accepts it by coldly saying "I knew it. I knew this was too good to be true." This was probably the biggest letdown in Bachelor history - that AshLee didn't beat an explanation out of Graham with a coconut, then turn her wrath on Michelle for wrecking her dream of being a Stepford Wife.
So Graham and AshLee are the first to leave. In true bachelor fashion, once you're of no use to the show, you're immediately discarded, unable to say goodbye to the people you've spent the last few weeks hanging out with. After that, the domino's start to fall: Christy and Tasos, who have known each other for all of 42 minutes of screen time, wisely decide that there isn't enough to commit to a long term relationship, though I thought it was interesting given how into Tasos Christy seemed she immediately agreed that they should just end any courtship whatsoever and just hook up in the bathroom hang out at Bachelor functions in the future. Likewise, Jackie and Zack exit stage left, because Zack is an emotionless robot and Jackie is still the attractive/boring person she always was. This leaves us with three couples who have chosen to stick it out long enough to stick it in each other in a fantasy suite:
Cody and Michelle
Sarah and Robert
Marcus and Lacy
Michelle, who spent last week perpetually changing her mind about whether or not Cody was an obsessive stalker or the man of her dreams, still can't decide. So she decides to ask an expert: Her nine year old daughter who has never met Cody. This is a terrible plan on so many levels. TV and movies always display single parent/child relationships as more of friendships, where the child is inevitably much too mature for their age. Michelle seems to have picked up on this, though it seems like those extra emotional years her daughter has picked up were transmitted from Michelle to her through the phone, to the point that they both sound like eighteen year olds. Michelle says "so I need your advice about a super-cute boy named Cody," as if this one sentence gives her daughter all the information she needs to make an informed decision. The best part of the conversation was Michelle saying "I just don't know if I want to bring him home, remember how hard it was when Matt left?" If her emotional baggage were actual luggage, then she just left four suitcases at the feet of a 9 year old bellhop and said "carry this, bitch." Her daughter responds with the lesson she's learned from watching "She's all That" and every other teen rom-com on DVD with her mom: "it doesn't matter what he looks like, it just matters that you like each other and like to do the same things." Michelle acts like her daughter is some sort of relationship oracle that just showed her the path of enlightenment. "She's such an old soul" she says, her voice full of pride. Sadly, the only reason she's like that is because you turned her from a child into your bestie and forced her to deal with things like one-night stands and adulterous relationships with NBA players because you weren't equipped to handle these things on your own, Ms. Money.
Fantasy Suite dates go great - or so we're led to believe. There's lots of making out, Sarah hopes that Robert gets to know her "in every way possible - I hope he digs deep." Michelle ruminates on what Cody's junk look likes saying "maybe it's very muscular....like the Hulk." which sounds absolutely terrifying. Lacy and Marcus just continue to make out and let their skin soak in an astoundingly unhealthy amount of UV rays....how tan can those two get? Anyways, Lacy in particular looks almost creepy she's so tannish.
The next morning, Michelle announces she is sore, and then proclaims that Cody's *beep* is amazing and we *beeped* in every *beep* of that place. Your nine year old daughter must be so proud. Cody can't stop smiling and dreamily tells the cameras "she broke the code!" which really confused me for a while as I tried to figure out what secret message Michelle cracked, but then I finally realized that Cody was just referring to himself by his own moronic nickname "Code." This is the equivalent of me saying something like "She really devoured The Snacks," which is super gross and I'd never say that in a million years. Marcus is sporting a hickey. Sarah is pissed. Apparently Robert did not explore her cave of wonders the way she was hoping. He slept in his jeans and there "was no neck sucking" she reports glumly. At this point she proclaims that if a guy won't "dig deep" and suck your neck in a fantasy suite, he never will. Seems a bit extreme, but she can't sit idly by and let two other couples have sex while she's not. So it's splitsville for the two of them, which, to be honest, was inevitable. Sarah is so self conscious that she's not even willing to wait to see what could happen with a guy who has been respectful towards her. She's already convinced herself that he sees her as flawed and therefore will never really love her. Yikes.
All this leads up to Chris Harrison trotting out pretty much the only success stories this entire franchise has ever produced: Jason and Molly, Sean and Catherine, and Des and Chris (who probably shouldn't count since they're not even married yet). Of course they're treated like King Richard returning from the Crusades, and the two remaining couples hope to soak up all the knowledge of how to turn TV trysts into lasting relationships. Unfortunately, such advice is super boring, so instead they discuss what body parts are their favorite on their significant others and what sports they played in high school. Ugh.
Finally, it's time to give out roses. Perhaps my least favorite part of Bachelor in Paradise was the weird rose ceremonies where people decided they needed to exchange vows when they hand out the roses. Cody gives a heartfelt "I'm ready to be a father to your daughter" speech, and then Michelle starts hers by saying "Cody Code: you came into my life exactly when I needed you." Cody Code! Nothing says sincerity like referring to the dude by a silly nickname.
Marcus and Lacy are next, and Marcus is so choked up he needs to step outside. "I just wanted to spend a few moments alone" he says, as multiple cameras follow them, and the Bachelor Illuminati rush to the balcony to continue watching them. In the end, Marcus just wanted some soft sand on which to kneel so he could propose to is super tan bride-to-be. Hooray!
In all, this show was a success, even if they didn't really map out an appropriate ending to such a crazy show. Thankfully, they'll get another chance to improve on this year's surprisingly entertaining season: Bachelor in Paradise was renewed for next summer, after being the most watched new show amongst adults 18-49.
I don't care that this show is staged beyond belief. I don't care that these people are getting paid to fake fall in love. I just love that there's people willing to do this stuff for my enjoyment. It's awesome.
Let's see if we can pack all four hours of this week's goodness into one blog. The flip flopping between Monday and Tuesday's episode was impressive. For example:
Cody on Monday: Claire, I'm here for you and only you. So much so, I will give this date card away because I don't want to date anyone here. Cody on Tuesday: Michelle, it's you or nobody girl. I'm only here for you.
Side note....does Cody remind anyone else of Chris Griffin, or is it just me?
Michelle on Monday: I'll never find love! I'll never get out of Utah! Michelle on Tuesday: This thing with Cody is amazing. It's moving too fast!
Clare on Monday: Nothing will come between Zach and me! Clare on Tuesday: I'm out of here. Zach doesn't know what he wants.
Graham on Monday: AshLee is freaking me the hell out. I'm not sure I can do this. Graham on Tuesday: AshLee is like a sports car. I love driving her!
Other things that need addressing (in no particular order):
Jesse is living proof that looks will get you everywhere with some people. He fooled Jackie right up until he too Christy on a date. Christy then tells him how her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she found a bra in his bed (I'm sorry, but who are these people who forget their undergarments in other people's beds? When you're getting dressed after a covert humping, isn't that something you'd grab first? You don't just forget to put on a bra. Unless this was some sort of "Kristy found the bra but conveniently didn't see the naked girl crouched behind the laundry basket" scenario). When Jesse finds out that he denied knowing how it got there, he gleefully blurts "that's what I would've done!" Kristy, rightly says "so you've been in this situation before?" at which point Jesse just starts singing Shaggy lyrics and is saved by a "stray" dog (with a collar!), because girls love dogs and will stop whatever they're doing to pet them and baby-talk to them. Lucy then shows up, takes off her clothes and goes on a date with Jesse. Lucy says that he is "hot, funny, and smart." Nice is not a quality she saw in him. She knows he's a douche, but doesn't care. Somehow, Christy sees it as an attractive quality in men that they are willing to go on dates with her friends. Naturally, they all end up in bed together.
Lacy gets dehydrated and everyone acts like she's got bit by the Outbreak monkey. The girl straight up ran to the bathroom to throw up, and all of a sudden she needs a stretcher? Then Marcus is spooning her in a gurney while she gets checked out by a doctor? First off, if I was a doctor, I'd refuse to help anyone who was in an emergency room but felt well enough to spoon. If it's an end of life thing, that's different, but I'd refuse to administer an IV to someone whose boyfriend was rubbing his junk on her butt at the same time. OVER THE LINE. If they allow that stuff in Mexico, I'm never going. Don't trust doctors who encourage this behavior.
Marcus loves Lacy. He accidentally tells her. She's happy. He tells her for real. She's super happy. Does she say it back?
Sarah does everything short of sedating Robert and tongue raping him to get him to kiss her, and yet she thinks he's totally into her? At one point, she's sitting in his lap in a secluded pool and their faces are about three inches apart. She says something about "getting more comfortable," so he positions himself so that HE CAN NO LONGER SEE HER FACE. Basically he looked like he was getting ready to burp her. Finally he sees no other option, so they kiss, and she's super pleased to have won this battle of attrition. Of course scenes from next week make it look like she's totally into the new guy, whomever that is.
AshLee is still pissed that Clare had sex in the ocean with Juan Pablo. Why, I have no clue. Also, she thinks nobody will hear her say it because there's not a camera on her? Apparently she forgot about the giant microphone she's got taped to her ass at all times. Also, what does the fact that it's "caught on camera" matter? By the time Clare (or anyone else really) sees the footage, you'll have been long gone from the island. Such a contrived, bullshit story line.
Cody asks Clare on a date. Clare wants to talk to Zack to "see what he'd say." Zack says "I'm not going to tell you not to go." Clare says "well, what if some girl asked you on a date - would you say yes?" Zack's answer: "depends on who the girl is." Worst answer ever. Unless of course he was trying to get her to dump him, in which case, he's a genius. I vote for the latter, because when she did leave, not once did he try to stop her. In fact, HE HELPED HER PACK.
Jackie - so hot, so boring. Maybe this means she'd be the only person you could actually hang out with in a non-reality show setting. Maybe not.
Kalon (much like Lucy) was brought in just to cause a ruckus and get the hell out. Neither of them had any intention of staying. Kalon's whole goal seemed to be to test the limits of what ABC would allow him to say on air. ("I'm looking for 5'10" and some boobs," "I'd love to motorboat those things," and whatever that was he said about a "tight Mexican hole." Ugh.
Jesse's liberal use of the term "what's-her-nuts" was wonderful, and it may make its way into my daily vocabulary.
So, we've established how this show is going to go now: Every week, somebody new shows up and takes one of the veterans on a date. Then, as soon as that date is over, another new person shows up and takes the same vet on a date. DRAMA. The editors are earning their paychecks this season though: First the raccoon, then sound bites of Chris grunting over his "injured" knee as the lights go out in his hotel room with Elise. I have serious doubts as to the validity of his knee actually being injured, because these people have cameras on them all the time, yet they missed a significant event like that? No way.
All that was background noise though to the train wreck Michelle Money was this week. Let me sum up her episode: "What Marquel and I have is special. Nothing can come between us. Except that I'm going to encourage this new girl to take Marquel on a date. I can't believe he accepted the date! Screw him, I never liked him anyways. Secretly, I've been pining for Robert (who also happens to be the only guy not hooking up with anyone at the moment.) That's who I really want to date! Wait, there's Jackie! I wish she'd take her butt back to the mainland.
Nevermind the fact that we are not on an island (unless you count the Americas as the largest island since Pangea), I want her out of here because she's sooooooooo pretty. Thank God she picked that man-whore Marquel for her date...I hate that guy. Robert is amazing. He'll totally pick me over that one-armed insecure whiner Sarah....wait what? I'm going home? How'd that happen? Wait....what's Chris saying? He's giving me his rose because I deserve love? Damn right I deserve love. Even though every guy here had a chance to give me a rose and gave it to another girl, I deserve to stay here and do the other girls hair as they get ready for their dates. I'm not ready to go home to my daughter, I am going to stay on the island of Mexico until love comes my way. That next guy who gets off the plane better understand how much I love him even though I haven't met him yet."
It was exhausting watch her play the desperate old single lady. That next guy isn't going to be three steps into the compound before this happens:
Good luck, buddy. Hope you like biological clock ticking single moms.
In other news, Jackie continues to be the most attractive and boring person ever to grace the Bachelor show, Claire is distraught about her dad dying a decade ago until she sees a pregnant turtle, which apparently is her dad reincarnated to tell her it's ok to be happy, and AshLee has regained the throne of craziest person on the beach, although Graham slightly overreacted to the news that she follows his instagram feed. You could set that shit to private if you don't want crazy desperate women looking at your photos, Graham Cracker.
So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head! I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best. And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves. Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump. OK, here we go:
Robert - Was he even there? His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much. More on that later.
AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy. AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy. Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini. Who does that anymore? Do girls still own overalls? I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's. Why would I think this? Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:
Graham - He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself. In other words, he's full of crap. He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her.
Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare. The end.
Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch. You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later). It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family. If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm. It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
Marquel - Oh, Marquel. He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way. During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group. Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans. Classy. Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this:
Marcus - Still a dick. Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters. The guy is a huge asshole.
Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO. Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW. Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons," surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise. To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date. Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments. Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin. Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert. Best flame-out in a supporting role. Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
Clare - Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name. Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.) Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean." Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican. Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish. No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account!
Chris B. - Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose. Pretty boring actually. So why is he second on the list? Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon."
Elise - Where do we begin? With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces? As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much? Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?" Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is. Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?" Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!" I mean...it was just incredible. She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player. She's the best. Don't ever change Elise.
So Bachelor in Paradise is my new favorite "reality" show. It really only took one episode. Why? Let me count the ways:
Level playing fields. When there's only one girl or one guy, by the end of the season you're sick of hearing the same person say the same things over and over to different people. With multiple conversations between multiple people, there's a lot less chance of fatigue on the viewers part
Nobody worries about being there for the right reasons. If a guy/girl doesn't like someone, then it's on to the next one. Thank God for that.
The return of Michelle Money. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has ever given better confessional interviews. She's the best.
MIND GAMES. Everyone is just angling to stay around. If you don't have a connection with the Bachelor/ette, you can deceive him/her to keep you around, but in the end, you're going to end up on an altar with the choice of accepting it (think Emily Maynard accepting Brad's proposal and then dropping him before the rose ceremony, making you look crazy) or turning them down (think Brad again giving a rose to nobody, making him look callous). On this show, you just say your feelings changed and bang, you're hooking up with someone else next week. The possibilities are endless.
New blood. I love the bringing in of a new person every week. It's almost like a tournament where the best teams get a bye. If you don't like any of the guys this week, just flirt with one enough to make him think you're in, then pounce on the fresh meat the next week. But what happens if you don't like the new guy either? DRAMA
It's just brilliant, and kudos for the casting choices to ABC. Now for some first episode awards:
BEST PRODUCER AWARD
To whichever person put together that brilliant scene where Claire let all her emotions out to a wayward raccoon, who probably wasn't even there. Great job, ABC.
You talkin' to me?
BIGGEST A-HOLE
To Marcus. "HUH?" you say? Well, hear me out. Marcus' first interview on the show is about how he's still not over Andi. So much so, that he can't hang out with everyone else. In fact, he needs to be alone. In the water. Wearing an obnoxiously orange speedo. In plain view of everyone else. I used to play this game when I moved to a new school in seventh grade, Marcus. I'd get to the cafeteria as fast as possible at lunch so I could grab a table by myself and see who would come sit with me, so I'd know who my potential new friends were. It's basically saying "do you like me?" without having to sound desperate. The only difference is that we were fishing with different bait. I had bad acne and was socially awkward, and he has perfectly groomed body hair and eyes that ladies invent adjectives about. So of course some slightly drunk and horny coed is going to come over to say hello. You can't play the "I'm not in this fishing tournament, but I'm going to put my pole in anyways" game, Marcus. Then, he goes on a date with Sarah and makes out with her. Really looking lovesick, buddy. Then, when Lacy, who took your orange speedo bait, goes on a date with Robert, you get all "oh boo hoo, I'm getting my heart broken again!" and proceed to tell Sarah that you're into Lacy, but that she deserves a rose so you will give one to her. Translation: YOU HAVE ONE ARM AND YOU NEVER LET ANYONE FORGET IT AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES. ABC of course makes him give out his rose before Robert, and of course he forgets all about who deserves what and gives the rose to Tits McGee because he knows she's going to be easier to hook up with. Nobody's forgotten that the lie detector indicated you've slept with over twenty women, buddy. He's an A-Hole.
CRAZIEST
AshLee, and it's not even close. Somehow convincing herself that because she's there to hook up with Graham means he's there to hook up with her is insane. Want to know how crazy she is? She's so crazy that no other girl will even talk to Graham, Claire backed out of a date to calm her down, and Graham is so terrified he can't even think about handing a rose out to anyone else. She's next level crazy.
WORST ACTOR
Claire. Look, we all know by now that ABC directs these people to say certain things or give roses to certain people. The key is that the people need to deliver those lines in a way that looks like they weren't coached. Claire is terrible at this. When she was crying to that raccoon, she's looking directly at a cameraman. When she said "I don't even know what a vista is, but I'm looking at one!" She's got a twinkle in her eye that says "I know exactly what a vista is!" And nobody believes for a second that you had a dream of yourself standing on top of some ruins. I love that she's on the show because she's willing to do literally anything the producers ask her to, but at least sell it a little better.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"She has this look like she's plotting how to kill you and your whole family, and it makes you feel like girl is going to lose it." Honorable mention go to Claire's "vista" statement, and Lacy suggesting that she's "80/40" on her decision, despite the fact that she has no decision to make since the guys are handing out the roses this week. In the end, it was Michelle's delivery of the crazy line that carried the day.
MOST COWARDLY ROSE
To Ben, who told Daniela and all the viewers that he just wanted to have fun and that he wasn't feeling a connection with anyone so he was going to pick the person who he would have the most fun with, yet when he's faced with picking Daniela or one-armed Sarah, he picks the biggest wet blanket in the history of reality television, and now we get to hear all next week from Sarah how she was really nervous that she wasn't going to get a rose and she didn't really know Ben was interested in her, so she is trying to fight the feeling that she only got the rose because of her missing arm. Even though that is probably the only reason she's still around. Thanks Ben.
I seriously can't wait for next week. After Andi's season, I thought I was out. But damned if ABC didn't do the damn thing with this show. I'm all in.
I have to admit, this season is really making it hard to maintain my enthusiasm for blogging. I'd like to thank the few people who have told me they enjoy reading these, it makes it a lot easier to get through Andi's pandering to the camera and some of the dumbest, most boring people around. Now that Marquel is gone...I've got nobody to root for. We've spent three weeks dangling this idiotic secret admirer letter in front of our noses like a moldy carrot nobody wants to eat, we just want to get it out from in front of our f*cking faces. I mean, the only way it's even remotely compelling is if it's from someone who she either already kicked off the show, or was never on the show to begin with. I mean, if this guy's still on the show and unable to tell her how he feels about her to her face, doesn't that say something about how ready he is to start a relationship with her? The last time a secret admirer letter wasn't creepy was junior high, and even then it was pretty skeezy.
Anyways, off to Venice. The guys meet Andi, and they seem pretty shocked that there's no date card. Is this really a big deal to them? Cody is convinced he'd get the first one on one date, which of course means he won't. And of course the date goes to Nick, the guy Cody went off on for being an arrogant douche and called "bro" fifty thousand times last week. DRAMA!
Side note: Venice looks awesome. I'll add that to my list of cities I want to visit but won't see until the kids are out of college. Andi says "I know this probably wasn't a popular choice with the guys, but they need to trust me." So they're all supposed to be ok with you taking the same guy out over and over? If they are, they aren't here for the right reasons, Andi.
The non dating guys give us the requisite "this hotel is amazing!" plug - I wonder how many people make their travel plans based on where ABC puts people up during this show. They walk around and order pizza and take pictures with pigeons. What I don't understand is why Andi would think a one-on-one date would prove to her that Nick's performance on the last group date was an aberration...wouldn't throwing him in another group date figure this out a little better? Apparently not, as Andi feels "much better" about Nick now. Every season is the same...the group dates are always disasters, everyone puts on their best face during the one-on-ones, and then it goes back to drama central the next time everyone's together. Rinse, wash, repeat.
Meanwhile, the group date card comes, and Cody's not on it. He does an idiotic dance and eloquently states his feelings by saying "one-on-one...me." This guy is so going home on this date. He's a complete idiot. He's getting ready to show Andi he's more than muscles and a nice tan and a Chris-Griffin-from-Family-Guy voice. Sadly for him, those muscles are the only reason he's still around, and once Andi gets to know "the real Cody," he's going to be on his way back to the states to eat his egg white omelets and crossfit classes. I love all the "aww, buddy!" comments Cody gets from the other guys. It's like when the autistic kid finally checks into the last basketball game of the season.
Time for dinner at something called a Masquerade Hall. Italians made places specifically to mingle while concealing your identity? Furthermore, I love the irony of people on the Bachelorette using this place to help Andi find out just who Nick is. They again go over what a Grinch Nick was on the group date. Cody gets brought up, and Andi says "I find it very attractive when a man is liked by other men," which may be the weirdest statement ever. I get that you want to be able to hang around other people with your significant other....but I've never been like "you know what makes that person super attractive? Other people like them!" Andi asks Nick if he feels he's a front-runner, to which he replies with something about how special their connection is. I wasn't really paying attention because I was distracted by the pouty duck face Andi put on. So annoying! How do you have a serious conversation with someone who is making that face at you? It looks like she's bored/not buying it/drunk/disinterested. This is the opposite of what she's actually feeling, because she's totally digging him and gives him a rose. They then go over being in a Masquerade Ball and how he's been hiding his feelings behind a mask and oh my God make it stop.
Group date time, and Andi's hand wringing over her secret admirer letter. Andi takes them to a castle filled with suits of armor and swords. She's super enjoying hanging these guys out to dry. She looks like she's really excited to find out the results of this test, when we all know that she's going to be devastated by whatever she finds out. Already, Chris is like "I've been hiding something from her." Josh is wondering if he's going to get tortured. Clearly they know how reality shows work.
Andi goes first. "Is Italy your favorite country in the world?" She says yes. I say bullshit. She'd live there if it was her favorite country. Why wouldn't you live in your favorite country? The guys go next, and the questions are the standard "are you here for the right reasons?" "are you ready for marriage?" Until Dylan gets going. "have you slept with more than 20 women?" "Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" He answers both these questions incorrectly from the perspective of what Andi's probably wanting to hear. Then he tells Andi he's not feeling well and needs to go home. Wow. Andi then acts like he's her seven year old son and asks him where it hurts. Unbelievably Dylan responds like a seven year old by patting his belly and his head. This was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Ferris Bueller is proud of that performance, Dylan. He's my front runner to go home at the end of the show tonight now. Chris 'fesses up to being the secret admirer in one of the least surprising reveals ever.
The scary Italian lie detectors reveal the results and tell us know who lied, but they omit Dylan. The guys know Andi lied about Italy being her favorite country. Turns out Andy Lasselle is a human lie detector. Andi ends up ripping up the results of the test, robbing us of any sort of resolution and rendering the entire date worthless. Why go on a date where you're going to be separated from the guys for most of the time and then not get any sort of payoff? Holy crap I hate this show.
Brian then gives Andi the most unsuccessful lie detector test ever. Then he asks her three questions: "Is your name Andi?" "Have you ever been in love?" and "Do you want to make out?" She says no to which Brian giggles and screams "you're lying!" and gets his kisses. He then tells the camera "I think Andi was surprised that I showed initiative." I think she probably was surprised that Brian was able to make a move so far from a basketball court.
Marcus then wins the night by telling her he was thinking about leaving, but then saying he loves her and getting a pretty serious make out session. Andi can't believe that this amazing man who loves her thought about leaving. I'd be real surprised if anyone else got the rose tonight. Josh completely botches the lie detector follow up time by saying "I'm glad you ripped up the results" Andi starts in with that attitude she reserved normally for Juan Pablo. Josh forgot the cardinal rule of dating Andi....it's all about Andi, and you do not question her motives or her methods. Eric found that out when he said that he felt she was acting in front of the cameras, and NOW HE'S DEAD. Coincidence? I think not.
Chris reveals to Andi he's the secret admirer and gets his kiss, which is not nearly as romantic as the Marcus make out sesh. High five for the sly butt caress though, Chris. You're not such a shy farmer either. Maybe you're actually a Naughty Farmer:
Of course, Andi gives the rose to Chris, making me look stupid. You know what's even stupider? Giving a rose to a guy for revealing he wrote you secret admirer notes over the guy who straight told you he loved you. Marcus, you got hosed buddy.
Since Nick wasn't on the group date, JJ takes it upon himself to be salty about everything. He's tired of everyone fist bumping and giving "atta boys" to each other. JJ's finding it harder to enjoy other people's success on this "journey," but feels he has to, or be branded an a-hole. He's got a point. (see: Douchebag, Nick).
Andi says that "her relationship with Cody is definitely the furthest behind (because you haven't taken him on a one-on-one date yet, idiot), but that's why I waited this long to see if maybe it takes Verona to bring out the romance between us." If it takes an Italian village to make you guys feel like kissing, I'd say you probably already know your answer, Andi.
They go to something called a "Juliet Club." Apparently people write letters to Juliet asking for romance advice. So they're looking for romance advice from one of the most romantic characters in literary history, and instead they get advice from Cody. This is almost like those commercials where people go into fancy steakhouses and find out they're eating Walmart meat. Of course they read a letter from a guy who really likes this girl, but always shares his time with her with a bunch of other guys. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
Time for dinner, and Chris chooses the sport coat/V-neck combo. His V-neck is more like a V-navel. That thing's cut deeper than the Grand Canyon. Andi counters with a leather jacket and tight, flesh colored pants. A match made in heaven! Cody, of course, has written his own letter to Juliet. He praises Juliet for living the greatest love story of all time.....which always cracks me up because it ends in a murder/suicide. How is that more romantic than being married for 70 years? McAdams and Gosling probably have a better claim on the "greatest love story."
Cody starts going off on how much he loves Andi, and Andi just breaks down and starts crying and feels that she's not deserving of his affection, so she sends his ass home. Cody, despite his over-bubbly enthusiasm, doesn't seem that fazed by the whole thing. Just kind shakes his head and says "well, that sucks." Cody's bag gets pulled out of the hotel, and the reaction from the guys is "meh." Despite not really feeling any sort of romantic affection for the guy, Andi cries some big ass crocodile tears and talks about how hard it was. Were I Cody, I would've said "if it's breaking you up this much to send me away, shouldn't that tell you something?" Then hop in the van and let her stew on that for the rest of her life. BOOM.
Cocktail Party time! Chris and Nick are safe. My guess for the guy joining Cody on his way out is Dylan. Nick grabs Andi immediately, and the guys are all bitter. I'd love to see all the guys just standing at the door saying "hey can I steal you for a second?" Andi, of course, loves it and says that Nick "is a man." Dylan comes in to steal her, and Andi looks like the cheerleader who's dad walked in while she was getting handsy under the blanket during a movie on the couch. The guys start in on Nick for not respecting the "bro code." How dare you try to spend time with her?
JJ goes in for the kiss, Brian reads a note (the coward's way out), and Marcus reiterates how much he loves her. Josh and Andi have another grouchy conversation, which should end with Josh angrily yelling "Damnit Andi, I love you! Don't you understand that?" But of course it doesn't. Even if he didn't mean it, it'd be a pretty good way to extend your stay on the show.
Andi and Harrison have a talk, which would've been much better if Harrison had pulled out a second copy of the lie detector results and asked Andi again if she'd like to see them, but of course he doesn't. Really missed a golden opportunity there, ABC.
Finally, we get to the rose ceremony, and Andi sends home.....JJ. Well, I should've known the guy who said "one of us is going home at the end of the week, and I have no clue who it's going to be and it scares the hell out of me." FORESHADOWING.
Two episodes a week is just too much. I've been putting off this episode all week - too tired from coaching little league, catching up on other shows, a trip to urgent care for my son's broken arm.....and actually being somewhat occupied at work. But no longer! The DVR has been cleared, as has my desk. I've got my lunch (chicken apple sausage and Greek yogurt - but not mixed together because that's gross)...let's get it on!
We're down to 13 guys, and we're in Connecticut. I actually like that the recent trend has been to travel around the lower 48 for a few weeks before heading out to Saint Tropez or something. Let's see some of the cool places in this country. However, Chris the Farmer leads us off by showing just how clueless most of America is about geography by saying "I've always wanted to travel to New England, it's like the Heartland, but on the east coast!" You know, but minus the farms and plains. This is a close second to whomever that girl was that told Juan Pablo that New Zealand reminded her of Ohio. Eesh.
First date is for Dylan, and they're taking a steam train. But rather than just taking the train, they're going to be driving it! Everyone into the engine car. Andi says "I hope Dylan's happy he got the date card, this is a BIG date!" He better be happy he's getting a date, Andi. You know, because he supposedly wants to marry you. The whole "hey I'm going to make you shovel coal" threat turned into Andi playfully tooting the horn.
As they cruise through Connecticut past people's houses and stuff, Andi just kind of stares out the window, while Dylan says "this is very New England" while he nervously strokes his own neck. These two aren't connecting so well. What will pick this up? Talking about failed past relationships! Dylan uses the "my ex is engaged now" story to segue into the "my brother is dead" story. Andi, who then goes into a whole "I can tell Dylan wants to burst out and tell me his story" monologue, somehow doesn't take the bait to follow up with the obvious "so what happened with your brother?" question. I recognize that this isn't normal first date banter, but he definitely brought it up, and you are basically speed dating, so it's seems pretty logical for her to inquire. I mean, it's not exactly like he beat around the bush when he asked "so what happened?" about her 3.5 year relationship.
This whole date sucks. They aren't talking to each other about the one thing they obviously both want to talk about. Back at the house, Josh has the unfortunate luck to be the last name written on the date card, so he has to play the bitter "but I wanted the one-on-one date!" guy. Dylan is still talking about how he's nervous, but "don't you worry, Andi, you'll see the real Dylan later!" Andi says "I can tell you're nervous, but maybe it's more than nerves." Ya think? He already mentioned his brother is dead.
Dylan goes into his story, but when he mentions that it's "just him and his mom," Andi says "yeah, you mentioned that." So why is it that when Dylan says that his sister passed, Andi just kind of nods. At this point, you know that both of his siblings are dead, and there's no look of anything other than "ok, continue...." on her face. Having two siblings OD is tragic. Yet somehow, Andi turns this around on herself, saying "it's a big honor for someone to open up to me of all people." YOU'RE DATING HIM!!!!
Then we hit a new low point in Bachelor History when Andi brags about how she "knew" there was a reason his guard was up, and she had to figure it out, and in turn Dylan brags about how "low" his guard is because he "just told her more than most of his friends know." If you're Dylan's friend, aren't you kind of pissed that he just opened up to a national TV audience before you...someone who, as a friend, probably said numerous times, "I'm here for you buddy, literally anything you need let me know." I'd be furious...but you know in that "I can't be that furious because you just went through something incredibly tragic and everyone copes differently so I'm unable to judge you" sort of way. They then have a conversation about how the rose isn't a pity rose, even though that's what it seems like. I'll let my friend Annie sum this is up, as she said it perfectly on facebook last night:
Annie ThomasMy thoughts exactly re: this original question. I MUST REVEAL MY SOB STORY WITHOUT DELAY. Also don't give me a pity rose, but really, you know, do. Group date time! It's time to for some WNBA action. Of course, some guy has to say "oh man she looks so hot!" which is, you know, incredibly offensive and will get you slapped either with a fist or a lawsuit if you said it in any other scenario that involved ten guys strolling towards a girl all by herself. Time for white guy trash talking! All of a sudden they start talking more mess than Payton, and talking like they grew up playing hoops at Rucker Park in Harlem. Cue Andi in a too large jersey mean mugging as she walks in with equally stone faced WNBA players. Now we find out if ten normal guys could beat five elite female athletes. The answer is, predictably, no. Let's switch this up and have the guys play each other? Coach Brian of course takes it way too seriously, drawing up plays, giving a "defense wins championships" speech. In the other locker room, Josh and the guys do the dorkiest locker room cheer ever: "Who are we? FIVE HEARTS!!!" Andi is impressed by false bravado, turned on by guys being intense in competition. I can personally attest that this is most likely bullshit, because I don't think there's anything Rachel likes less about me than my hyper competitiveness on the basketball court. I can't remember how many times she'd come to a rec league basketball game of mine and roll her eyes as I shoved some guy who was invading my personal space or did some sort of primal scream after missing a shot I felt I should have made. Maybe women differ on thinking this trait is attractive....or maybe it's just that women dig that about guys they're trying to date, and once they have them, it becomes a bit tiresome. More likely, girls like guys who are good at stuff. If you're a really good fly fisher, or you're a really good singer, my guess is that girls are going to be drawn to that because of your talent. However, if you're a terrible golfer, but buy the Calloway X-Hot Driver for $400 and drag her out to the links every weekend to sit in the cart while you hack your way to 26 over par 98, she's probably not going to admire your passion for the game. Patrick is excited that his team is winning, because then they'll be going on a date "just the five of us!" Really man? This is like being excited that there's only five people in your taxi instead of eleven. Sure, your face isn't smashed against the back window anymore, but you're still cramped and uncomfortable. Brian is calling out defenses, moving guys around the court, and just basically destroying the competition. Andi is excited to share some time with the red team because "they were awesome." She's heartbroken that the white team got their asses kicked. Josh is pissed, and has the look of someone who may resort to blaming his teammates for the loss. Meanwhile, Tasos and Chris have the look of some guys who are just happy the game is over. They then try to cheer themselves up by saying "we played way harder than anyone on their team did." Well, "A for Effort" Guys! As we cut to the commercial, we're left with a hilarious shot of a dejected Josh lingering in the shadows of a women's basketball court that he just got his ass kicked on as we hear five grown man chant "Rosebuds" over and over again, celebrating beating five guys in a game of basketball that means they get to all five fawn over the same girl for a few more hours. I mean, has there ever been anything lamer than this? They popped champagne over a pickup game in an empty arena! Furthermore, it seems like there's six guys on this winning team. They had a sub! Of course they won. I call shenanigans. Eric gets the first solo time. Andi says Eric is great, but their relationship has stalled. Eric acknowledges he's actually terrible at basketball. This is Andi's way of saying "dude I hate your stories, and I'm going to set you up to fail." Eric says "I'm frustrated that everything is so formal, but it is what it is." Andi, then says "well that's the way it is!" So let me get this straight: Eric says "this format isn't really me, but I'm making the best of it because I like you." Andi says "I understand that this isn't the ideal setting for you, but I'm holding that against you anyways." Well Eric, I'd say your doomed. Then, unbelievably, Andi chastises him for only telling her about his work and his travels.....WHICH IS THE ONE UNIQUE AND INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE GUY! "You never talk about your family!" she whines. Eric says "fine, I'm going to tell you about my family." He then talks about how he traveled around the country to see everyone! Way to go bud. He then reveals that he was raised Mormon, and then says that leaving his religion felt like leaving his family, but that it wasn't that big of a deal because his family loved him and they had a good relationship. Andi apparently got the answers she wanted, to the point that she feels their relationship has moved forward. You know, after they got to spend some time alone together, which is pretty much the only way any relationship moves forward. Brian is still feeling the high of basketball victory, and needs to get back onto the court to be back in his element. Brian then says "I love scoring points, but seeing you in a jersey was the best." They then have that weird conversation where a girl tries to impress a guy by throwing out random sports terminology like "this is for the MVP" which is absurd because you can't win the MVP when you're the only one on the court. Like if you miss, who's the MVP? The rim? Rim's not a player! Ha ha, Andi! Of course he makes a half court shot, and Andi says "he didn't just make it, it swooshed right in!" Swooshed! Of course the fact that he swooshed it makes him infinitely more desirable to Andi and she must be kissed by this sexy half-court shot swoosher immediately! Side note: We just had that whole #yesallwomen movement start up, bringing to the forefront of society that seedy side of gender relations where men feel women should be impressed by the fact that they are men and submit to them because of their prowess. It's a problem. What's also a problem is this woman Andi being held up to us by ABC as a woman whom men will literally compete to be next to essentially throwing herself at a guy because he can put a ball through a hoop from fifty feet. It's insane. Andi is BEGGING for a kiss, and instead, Brian goes in for the bro hug. Well at least we know Brian does view her as a conquest. Good for you Brian....unfortunately Andi is looking for a take charge kind of guy. Nick is that guy, apparently. He's all over her. He's so into her that he can't even put his drink down while they kiss. So of course, the rose goes to....Brian? Let's break this down: Brian: Good at Basketball, says she "looks hot in a jersey," made a half court shot, didn't kiss her, totally misread the situation Nick: Repeatedly tells Andi how much he likes her. Kisses her, holds her hand. Andi says "he gets me. He sees all of me, of who I am." Moral of the story: Guys that are good at sports get the girl. Yet somehow we're still surprised when an athlete has multiple children with multiple women, or is accused of sexual assault. It's because their whole lives, women like Andi keep reaffirming to them that women are turned on by the fact that they can dunk a basketball and look good in a tank top, to the point that they'll completely overlook a guy that, you know, cares about them to chase a jersey. AMERICA!!!! On a more positive note, we're moving on to a one on one date where at least people act somewhat rationally. UNFORTUNATELY, we've made it to the extreme sports date of the season. I can't get over the fact that Marcus is keeping his scarf on to repel down a building. A SCARF!!!! We're talking about how intense this activity is, and this dude is wearing jeans and a scarf. Despite all the hand wringing before hand, Marcus calmly leans off the edge and says "oh this is easy!" Andi is not quite convinced, and will not step off the edge. Marcus says "I'm way more scared than you, I promise." LIES. He then says "Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, hon, Andi, Andi, Andi," until she finally realizes she's OK. They then go over the side, and Marcus asks her about her mother and they have one of the dumbest conversations ever about how bad her mom is at golf. Instantly, all of her fear is gone, and she's swinging around like a ninja to get a kiss. Also, they happen to be repelling right past the suite the guys are in. Marcus asks if they can kiss in front of the other guys, and Andi says "no." Juan Pablo just threw something at his TV and said "I would've totally kissed in front of them to make them jealous, but ESSSS OKAY!" Marcus and Andi are proud of each other, and couldn't have gotten through this without each other. I'm about to throw up my lunch. Time for dinner, at the "oldest working inn in America." Marcus toasts their day together, calling something he was able to do while wearing a scarf and jeans the "toughest time in his life." Marcus asks to cover up the rose, which Andi seems to think means he doesn't realize what a catch he is. Marcus was dumped 3.5 years ago, and this is the first time he's been able to trust a woman since. Andi, a prosecutor, says she trusts people immediately. Maybe it's a good thing she quit her job. Talk talk talk...he gets a rose. They go to a concert and dance in front of a bunch of strangers who just want to see themselves on TV. ROMANCE. He says he's falling in love with her, Andi has the look of a drunk girl who really appreciates having a guy to prop herself against as she sways to the music. As Andi sups her hot cocoa and ponders the upcoming rose ceremony, she's given a love letter from a secret admirer. Don't really understand the whole "secret admirer" idea. Tell someone you love them, but you don't want them to know who you are? It's like a gateway note to stalkerism. Plus, in a competition where you could be going home in a few hours and lose your window, it's not like after you've been cut you can say "but I wrote you that letter!" and get back on the show. Brian, who has a rose and is safe, says he's "confident" going into the rose ceremony. Well done buddy. Tasos, who tried so hard and yet was never even seen on the court, steals her away. Andi says she likes that he's doing something different or something, but then says that it's "on the guys to stand out, and it's not about the little things or the gimmicks, it's about them." I'm a little confused. Tasos is talking about being true to himself, just as Brian comes up to steal Andi away. Tasos, true to himself, says "no problem buddy!" and removes himself from the room. Brian takes her back to the basketball court, the only place he's apparently able to function, and finally gives her that kiss. I'm starting to wonder if he has to turn on Jock Jams and introduce himself by saying "AND NOW, AT COACH, , 5'11" FROM PENNSYLVANIA...BRIAN OSBOURNE!!!" before having relations with a lady in his bedroom. Eric's up next, and he's apparently worked himself into a lather since their last conversation where she questioned him not opening up. Eric's grumpy, and he's going to let Andi know that, in fact, he is the open one.....she's the one not talking about herself! "I want to date a person, not a TV actress." Uh oh, you're in the Pablo Zone now buddy. Eric's about to get taken down. Eric's trying to be honest with her, and says she's got a "poker face" on. Eric tries to say "this is you being real" as she starts railing on her. Eric's point is that he feels she hasn't been comfortable, but Andi does not like her motives questioned. They go around and around in circles where Eric says "I see the real Andi when we're alone, and I see a different Andi when the other guys are around." Andi gives him the "you have no idea how hard this is to me to stay up so late and then have to send somebody home...." What I get from that is that Andi would really rather be sleeping than talking to some of these guys, which I think is Eric's point. Eric doesn't really seem to understand that it's a TV show and that she has to kind of pretend there's a relationship with some of these guys to an extent. They both agree that a relationship between the two of them isn't going to work, and then Andi yells at all the other guys about how offensive the "poker face" comment was. However, all I think about is this Lady Gaga and this:
Anyways, this guy who really drank from the cup of life and wanted everyone and everything to be authentic and genuine in his world, is dead. That is pretty sad, because he appeared to be someone who really enjoyed being alive. Chris and Andi talk about what a great guy he was and it's unfortunate how they said goodbye, and oh yeah, Tasos is gone. So much for being yourself, buddy.
