Bachelor: Women Yell All

Spurred by people calling me "soft" and "LeBron-like" for quitting on the blog midseason, I'm back to blogging.  Unfortunately, I'm back the week of the Women Tell All, which - well.....like every other "special" episode in the Bachelor universe - sucks.  It's commercials on top of commercials on top of recycled material on top of six women yelling at each other at the same time.  Oh, and Chris² head out to "crash" viewing parties.  Just the biggest crap ever.  There's absolutely no way these women decorate their house and put together tailgate worthy meals every week.  I will buy that there are small groups that "woo!" and drink every time he kisses someone, but for the most part it looks like really drunk, probably desperate women willing to make fools of themselves on national television.  I might tweet at them and invite Chris Harrison and the next bachelor/ette to come watch with me while I blog on my couch alone with a Pepsi and a blanket - that might be some pretty compelling television, as I say "dude, seriously?  Do you think anyone aside from those super drunk ladies at the fake viewing parties is buying what you're selling us right now?

When Chris introduces the ladies, and I like how they put all the girls nobody remembers in the same quadrant where they aren't going to get in the camera shots of anyone we really want to hear from.  Trina?  Megan?  Nikki?  Samantha?  All in a row together.  We get some recaps of stuff that happen - some funny stuff, mostly all the mean things the girls said about each other so that they are primed to be super-bitchy to each other.  Carley comes off looking the worst, which is funny, because during the show, all her comments seemed to make sense and was exactly what everyone else at home was thinking, but all spliced together at the same time, make her look super awful.  Britt is crying, and it's hard to pay attention, because Samantha's super revealing shirt with bits of sheer material is pretty distracting.

Britt confronts Carley, which leads to every woman talking at the same time, to the point that Harrison has to pull Britt up to the "hot seat."  I guess this was to rescue her, but it didn't really make it better.  It turned into Britt yelling at Carley, Carley trying to explain herself, Britt interrupting her before she can ever get to her point (one of which was "if you read Chris' blog..." which just made me  so sad for all these women who dated this guy and then have to log on to People.com to find out what he really thought about them after the episodes air) and then all the other women chiming in.  Jillian calls Britt the most beautiful person inside and out, which I really saw no evidence of either way.  Also, I figured out why Britt never showers - it's because she cries so much she is able to bathe in her own tears.  Another hilarious moment occurs when Britt starts telling us how she has apparently devoted the better part of her life to the betterment of children.  She's built ORPHANAGES! She coaches SOCCER!  Her occupation is listed as "waitress."

Ashley Kardashian tries to explain how they heard Britt say she was in no rush to get married, and Britt jumps in to say that she needs to love herself as a single person before she let someone else love her or something like that, which really sounds like EXACTLY what Ashley just said, but for some reason the audience applauds her.  Britt then claims that she'd still be on the show if it wasn't for Carley, which....what does that say about Farmer Chris?  She then directly addresses Carley by saying "I don't want to say you were jealous" which means "you were so jealous of me."  Britt loves playing a victim.  Her entire argument is discredited by the scene where she cried because she was afraid of heights and then has absolutely no reservations or anything about getting into a hot air balloon, which is the most terrifying height related activity you can do in my opinion.

Back from commercial, and Britt is still crying.  Or is she?  Has anyone seen one tear?  It looks like there might be some condensation under her eyes, or maybe it's just glitter.  I can't tell.  From a victim to a widow....bring on Kelsey!  Side note, I listened to a half hour interview with Kelsey this afternoon, and she was every bit as arrogant in that as she came off on the show.  She referred to herself in the third person and all that jazz.  After Kelsey's little video recap, she doesn't wait for Chris to prompt her, she just rolls into her "I'm feeling betrayed...." and on and on.  She then talks down to all the women, saying they didn't like her because she can be condescending and "use big words" as if the women all hate her because she uses the word condescending.  She then says "I don't think I'm better than these women - how do you evaluate humanity?"  She can say she doesn't think she's better than the other women, but she clearly thinks than she comports herself in a better manner than her.  She's one of those people that has wine parties and makes sure to invite people from different ethnic backgrounds so that they can talk about how open minded and diverse they are and how the rest of the world is so close-minded.  I imagine she has lots of conversations about gentrification and other "big picture" problems in the world without ever really doing anything to combat those issues.  Chris Harrison finally realizes that he needs to actually earn his paycheck and shuts the women down from interjecting because he realizes this group is about one angry comment away from turning this into an episode of Jerry Springer.

The girls finally get their moment to attack, and Kelsey is way outgunned.  She tries to hold herself to her own high standards, but she doesn't do much to combat the onslaught of verbal abuse.  The real star of this show is Ashley Kardashian's reactions to everything Kelsey says.  If she had been able to show this much variety and range of emotions with her face during the show, she might've been able to stay a little longer, but alas she only showed two faces - pouty face and tongue down Chris' throat face.  Kelsey tries to explain her "my story is amazing" comment, but it's too late for her.  Everyone's already made up their mind on her.  A great moment comes when she tells Ashley that it was very hurtful for her to imply that her husband was a figment of her imagination.  Jillian has appointed herself defender of everyone on the hot seat, and Britt, having just been eviscerated herself, says "you better be 100% sure before you say something like that, because it's really mean."

Up next is Mesa Verde Ashley!  Her highlight reel might be the first one in the history of the franchise that I wasn't annoyed to have to watch.  Ashley gives probably the most honest hot seat interview ever, talking about how bored she was, and how it's hard for her to not be silly when the cameras are on.  She's like that friend every single one of us has that says something just to see how people react, only she's way better at it than anyone you know is.  She knows exactly what's going on, but she's got everyone believing she has no grasp of reality whatsoever.  Harrison begs her to come on Bachelor in Paradise, and her reaction is "it's so weird.....that we're on TV."  True statement.  She never gets to respond, but I'd be shocked if we don't see her down in Tulum or wherever they send the people this season.  Other current season girls I'd like to see down there include Jade, Ashley Kardashian, and maybe Carley.

Jade gets her moment, and it's pretty much all about her having naked pictures taken of her at one point in her life.  If she wants to do some nude modeling again, I'm pretty sure she's got a pretty good shot of making quite a bit of money off of that.  She does say that Chris told her when she left that "it wasn't because of your nekkid pix" which means that "it was totally because you posed nude, you tramp."

Kaitlyn is up next, and why is she wearing a crop top?  Also, she's got more makeup on than she ever wore during the show...she looks like Melanie Griffith or the Joker.  I'm not liking this new look Kaity.  She's still kind of sad, and I don't like sad Kaitlyn.  Fun loving Kaitlyn is one of the best people to ever be on this show, but now we get cliché Kaitlyn, who talks about letting her guard down and being authentic and talking about how her being funny doesn't take away from who she is, whatever that means.  I will say that it's pretty evident that she's not ashamed of anything that happened on the show, which is further evidenced by none of the other girls calling her out for anything.  I think she had the easiest time on the hot seat despite being the one that came the closest out of any of girls there to actually getting married to Chris, and that's probably because she's not pretending to be anything other than who she really is and not holding back with any of her answers.

Finally, Prince Farming comes out, and we get crying Britt heading out to reenact her full length feature film length hug from the first episode with Chris.  She then goes on to say that she understands why he would've believed Carley, at which point Chris tells her that she didn't go home because of what Carley said.  Britt then says "Of course I don't think you're that small-minded."  Just an hour ago she said that she believed that she went home because of Carley's comments.  DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE HER?  I'm actually shocked that the women all had the restraint not to call her out on this right on the spot.  Incredible.

Caitlyn gets the chance to say her piece, and really the only thing that comes out of it is her asking Chris why he didn't extend the same courtesy to her the he showed Becca or Andi showed him and pull her aside and not make her stand through what is going to be a rough moment for her.  A reasonable explanation, and his response of "I kind of played that one on the fly, which was not the best way to go about things" is equally reasonable.  The civility everyone is showing each other would make Will McAvoy proud, but it makes for pretty boring TV.

Jade gets her chance to ask why he doesn't love her, and like Britt, she needs to be close to him to talk to him.  Kaitlyn was able to have a conversation with him without running out to hug him, showing she's in a more stable emotional state than the rest of them.  They then yap at each other for a while, and the only interesting moment is when Jade questions him on why he agreed to see the pictures when he said it was awkward, and that they could've saved looking at them for "some time special."  Like the fantasy suite, perhaps?

Bloopers come up, and the animals are funnier than any of the people.  A little creeped out that Whitney just lets her dog hump stuffed animals all the time and then says "that's what she does?"  How do you get anything done when your dog is just openly humping stuff in front of you?  I don't think I could sit there and eat my cereal and read the paper while my dog is staring at me and grinding on Buzz Lightyear, but she makes it seem like that's a normal day for her.

Ugh....three hour finale next week.  Not looking forward to that at all.  My guess is Whitney wins, because I think Kaitlyn went home only to add drama because she was the clear #2 over Becca but wasn't going to top Whitney.

Bachelor Week 6: The One Where Everyone Lies

Let's get right into this mess - Kelsey's sobbing on the floor and the girls are just sitting there completely unconcerned.  They look like they just saw someone drop a tray of their food in a restaurant - it's somewhat amusing, but also pretty annoying.  Is Kelsey making jokes about brownies?  Who makes jokes during a panic attack?  If she can make jokes, she doesn't need oxygen. Through the oxygen mask, she says she feels better, but needs to talk to Chris.  "I'm going to get a rose for sure," she says slyly, as her breath fogs up the inside of the oxygen mask.  Naturally, being the "good" guy Chris is, he comes to her, and I love how ABC leaves the medical equipment out for someone else to trip over and have a real medical emergency.  She's back, telling the girls about her harrowing journey to the bathroom, LAUGHING about how she was saying the most delirious things while she was on the floor.  This is a woman bragging about how she became so emotionally overcome that she fainted and started talking about brownies, as if any of the other women will find any of this funny.  KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, Kelsey.  I don't call my dad to discuss the Bachelor.

Chris then apologizes to the girls for canceling the cocktail party, because he's a spineless jellyfish.  He won't apologize to them for making out with other girls in front of them, but he's got to apologize for denying them more booze.  Ashley is having her own mini-meltdown, explaining how her sad story is going to be the fact that her story isn't sad or something, but then she gets the rose.  Kelsey gets the last rose, and Samantha gets sent home for never talking and McKenzie gets sent home because of course she's a mom and he just HAD to send her home to her kid because it's not fair to her and blah blah blah.  I feel bad, because McKenzie never really had a chance.  He kept her around this long because she was fun and he obviously liked her on some level, but realistically he never intended to bring a child with a child to his farm.  That's just a recipe for disaster.  Either her kid or her would've got their hand caught in a harvester or something within a few months.

Wheels up!  We're flying off to Deadwood, South Dakota on our tour of the least populated places in the United States.  Next, a tour of the hollers of Northern Kentucky!  Chris feels like a badass walking down the streets of Deadwood, mostly because he's the only person on the street, similar to how I feel like a badass walking into my daughter's preschool.  "I'm like four feet taller than you little punks, don't step to me!"  Kelsey and Britt have a conversation where Kelsey says that she's "earned" the one-on-one date, and that she's so glad that she's gotten her story off her chest, because now she "won't have to be the widow" on the date.  Ironically, you wouldn't have been the widow on the date if you hadn't told him either, because nobody assumes that someone in their twenties is a widow.  Nobody goes "I'll bet her husband died."  Or how I asked a girl in my dorm when her mom was going to show up for mom's weekend and she replies "my mom passed away when I was 14."  Never crossed my mind that someone my age would have a deceased parent, even though it's one of those things that happens.  You just don't assume people have a tragic backstory - or maybe you do if you're on the Bachelor.  Maybe every one-on-one date should just start with the Bachelor pouring a big glass of wine and saying "alright, so what's wrong with you?  Let's get this out of the way."

Becca the well-adjusted virgin gets the solo date, and of course Chris says she "looks smokin' hot on that horse."  Horses aren't sexy.  C'mon Chris.

The girls finally call Kelsey on her whack behavior, and Kelsey does her best to explain that she was so nervous and upset that she should be excused for her actions.  The girls continue to call her on her stuff, and she says in her confessional that she "gets it."  She uses big words that the girls don't understand, and that makes them nervous.  She then refers to the death of her spouse as some "bullshit" she had to get through.   I'm done with this girl.  I hope her in-laws are banging on her door right now demanding an explanation for why she thinks that the death of their son was a plot twist in her love story with a farmer who has the emotional warmth of a potato.  I just don't get how you couldn't comprehend that the words coming out of your mouth are insulting and offensive to a majority of the public.

Becca and Chris have their date, and we don't hear much of what they're saying, because it's probably boring as hell.  However, we do get hear a lot of Chris giggles.  When they finally get into what their five year plans are - it turns out neither of them really have one.  Lots of "you know, married with kids and stuff," which is something single people say as if you can map out when and where you'll be when you meet the person you love.  That's a great way to talk yourself into marrying someone you probably shouldn't marry.

Group date card shows up, and the significant part isn't who is on the card, but who isn't.  Emotionally Selfish Widow vs. Emotionally Selfish Virgin Slut.  Can I just fast forward to that part?  I don't need to see the rest of this junk.  Becca's still on her date somehow, and makes a good point that nobody wants their dad to see them kiss.  Probably should've thought about that before you went on a TV show, Toots.  At first, I thought she was going to punk out with just a tiny peck on the lips, but Chris isn't about to take that as the final act of this date.  He does the face hover thing until she forgets all about her dad watching and begins to suck face like an old school vet.  You go, Becca.  Worry about your disapproving dad later.

Group date time!  Chris tells the ladies that "country music is a big part of my life" which, I just don't even know what to say.  Look who's here to teach the ladies how to sing!  It's a couple of dudes who are in their fifties who finally got put out to pasture by ESPN College Game Day, but as a parting gift they get put on ESPN's sister station ABC for one night to try and get a few extra iTunes downloads.  Actually, only one of these guys is fifty (Big Kenny), but he looks old enough to drag the average age of the group up to sixty.  Jade is really stressed out about this...she is not confident at all.  So, in order to feel confident, she runs down the street with a washed up country rocker saying "I'm in Deadwood!" and now she's a song writing savant or something.  She's filling up the pages of her little songbook, until she sees Chris and Britt sucking face and now she needs to take another lap down a deserted street in a city with a population comparable to my high school.  Hopefully she ends up writing a "Before He Cheats" style song that involves her waiting for Chris to come back from his date with Britt with a shotgun.  That'd be fun.

What will not be fun is listening to these girls.  I will give Chris a bit of props for getting out there and singing first.  The real star of this singing thing is the diminutive banjo player with the Willie Nelson vibe.  Britt goes next and I was about to say she was terrible, but she is saved by Whitney, who we should've known would be the worst.  Her voice is tough to listen to when she talks, but I hoped it'd be one of those things like where British singers lose their accents, but nope, she's just as nasally.  Carley goes next, and pulls Chris up on stage.  This is her version of the Jillian running through mud date.  She says "I didn't see anyone else, it was just one of those moments."  Maybe because Chris and his humongous head are so close to you that he's blocking out your entire field of vision?  Jade, the girl who has told us for the last fifteen minutes how nervous she is, of course has to follow the professional singer.  She's SO nervous and knows it's going to go SO badly, but she's able to dig deep and channel her feelings for Chris through the microphone and survive the one minute song she wrote.  Probably will complete the redemption story by garnering a rose.

Two on one time yet?  Not quite - but we are teased with Kelsey trying to make Ashley feel stupid by pretending she can describe the Badlands and why Deadwood is not the Badlands.  Good luck.  Wikipedia describes Badlands this way:

Badlands are a type of dry terrain where softer sedimentary rocks and clay-rich soils have been extensively eroded by wind and water.^[1] They are characterized by steep slopes, minimal vegetation, lack of a substantial regolith, and high drainage density.^[2] They can resemble malpaís, a terrain of volcanic rock. Canyons, ravines, gullies, hoodoos and other such geological forms are common in badlands. They are often difficult to navigate by foot. Badlands often have a spectacular color display that alternates from dark black/blue coal stria to bright clays to red scoria.

Kudos to anyone who actually knew that.  I feel like a fairly knowledgable guy, but if you asked me to describe Badlands, I would've said "you know, sort of a prairie desert thing with tumbleweeds and prairie dogs."  Probably if you've actually been to the National Park, you'd know - but how many people have actually been to Badlands?  My good friend Wikipedia says that over 800,000 visited in 2011.  For comparison's sake - 1.6 million people visited the Oregon Zoo, which is known for having peacocks that attacked children.  For zoo comparison, that's about half the visitors the San Diego Zoo sees annually.  So yeah, it sounds like a big number, but you've probably only been there if your dad was tired of driving on your family's summer vacation and needed an excuse to stretch his legs between Denver and Chicago.

Sorry, back to the group date.  Britt has somehow garnered the special alone time of tonight's group date, and she somehow seems surprised that they end up a Big and Rich concert.  Hilarity ensues when Big and Rich sing on stage while nobody is looking at them because they're staring a dorky farm guy making out with a girl who hasn't showered in six weeks.  Britt gets the rose (she stole that shit from Jade) and then they dance on stage to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.  Chris is trying to sing along with the words, but gets them completely wrong.

Also awful, is that Chris and Britt walk back in and Chris says "so I gave Britt the rose, see y'all tomorrow!"  I mean, I get that it's awkward, but if you wanted to smooth things over with the girls, at least stick around for half an hour or so and let the girls vent to you.  Take one on the chin bud.  Poor Britt instead is left to say "sorry girls, I just went to a concert with him." Like really, all he had to say is that "I had a great time, but I could only take one girl to the concert, and Britt was that girl tonight."  I think they'd all have still been upset, but maybe they wouldn't have felt embarrassed.  Or maybe you invite them all to the concert? You can still pull Britt up on stage and give her the rose.  However, that doesn't make for as many unstable, weepy girls.

Finally, it's time for the main event.  Bottom line, I hope Chris pulls a fast one and leaves them both on top of Mount Rushmore as he departs in the helicopter alone.  Chris says "it's going to be awkward" because he can't envision two more different girls being on this date, pretty much confirming that the people on the dates aren't chosen by the Bachelor himself.  Anyways, their 2 on 1 date is a bed on some carpets in the middle of some flags that were borrowed from the corners of the local AYSO field.  In an even weirder twist, when it's time for Chris to have time with just one of the girls, they take blanket the size of our bathtub mat and chat on the other side of a dirt hill.  This makes no sense to me.  Ashley uses her one on one time to tell Chris how awful Kelsey is.  Chris seems to take what she says to heart, saying "the person I want to be my wife is going to be comfortable in group situations."  Kelsey uses her time to....I shit you not.....explain that she's prepared to be a wife because she's been one.  I'm speechless.  Her qualifications for being the love of his life is that she was the love of someone else's life.  Chris, being the idiotic idiot that he is, thinks it'd be a good idea to tell Kelsey that Ashley said she's fake.  Way to go buddy.  Incredibly, Chris then sends Kelsey back to sit on the romantic bed without him.  Kelsey says that she doesn't appreciate what Ashley did, but that she still respects her.  Ashley gets up and leaves, at which time Kelsey says - very respectfully - that Ashley needs to go play dress up and that she's not even near Kelsey's level. Ok then, glad we got that straight.

Ashley, logically, wants to know why Chris ratted her out.  Chris, who apparently was watching the little haboob of emotional anger he stirred up with some binoculars from a dust hill.  Chris stammers over his words for a while, then says "I couldn't lie" as if he didn't rat her out immediately and wilted under intense cross examination from Prosecutor Kelsey.  This was not A Few Good Men.  However, since turnabout's fair play, he narcs on Kelsey, telling Ashley "she said it was a difference of maturity."  Chris then ends this awful display of how to be respectful to people by telling Ashley he's letting her go because he doesn't think she'd be happy in Iowa.  Never asks her what's she thinks, just tells her what he thinks she thinks.  Kelsey tries to eat the grin that comes over her face, but fails.  The girls back at the hotel room get to see a PA grab Ashley's bag, and they are not happy.  Chris, the world's most oblivious man, tells Kelsey "I don't know if you knew this, but I just sent Ashley home."    In a hilarious move, Kelsey apologizes to Chris for having to go through that and hugs him.  And then....YES YES YES YES......he send Kelsey home because he's just not that into her either.  And he's leaving them both out in the BADLANDS!  Brilliant!  The girls are treated to Kelsey's bag getting unceremoniously yanked away, and then the party starts.  The girls break out the champagne and start dancing on the couches.  Kelsey again tells us how "immeasurably blessed" she is, which I guess would be a good lesson for us all to realize that even at our worst, being alive and American is truly a blessing, but you know we're supposed to think she's talking about how lucky she is to have a dead husband AND get dumped on national television!  She's a SURVIVOR.

Tune in next week, when Chris says - and I kid you not - that he didn't know that Kelsey would go confront Ashley.  Keep selling that shit, Pinocchio.

Bachelor Week 4 - Virgin Territory

Took a one week hiatus - just wasn't feeling it last week.  It was MLK day, and after spending the day having fun with my kids, I wasn't really in the blogging mood.  I did watch, so here's a quick rundown of my thoughts:

• Jimmy Kimmel really wanted to have sex with those girls!
• Kaitlyn's been so funny and off the wall this season, I didn't realize she had a fantastic body until week 3.  That might be a first on the Bachelor.  Also - who still wears crop tops?  Are those still a thing for women?
• Apparently America is still not ready for Jillian's jelly.  Her body really is too bootylicious for us. (And let's be honest: any chance to listen to Destiny's Child is worth it, right?)
• Chris may be a good guy, but he's a terrible liar.  The whole time they were at that wedding they "crashed," I kept expecting him to just start crying and yell "I can't take it anymore!  We're not supposed to be here!" At least his future wife won't have to worry about him lying to her about hooking up with the runner-up.  She'll know right away.
• With Ashley not going psychotic during the daytime farm challenge date, I think it's safe to say her bizarre behavior is related to her drinking alcohol (or a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs).  Some people get happy, some get angry....Ashley worships onions and thinks she's in:

• Let the above video be Exhibit A as to why all dates should start at 11:00pm at the earliest

Alright, let's get this week going!

Harrison starts things off by telling the ladies that Chris' sisters will be picking who gets the one-on-one date.  I'm not sure why, but the girls seem super excited about this.  I suppose that whomever they pick will feel like she's already been accepted into the family and therefore have Alpha status over the rest of the pack.  However, I think it's more likely that the sisters say "well, I suppose we have to pick one, and this girl is the one we least want to kill right now."

Date time, and the card says "let's do what feels natural."  Now everyone's playing "The Imitation Game" trying to decode what Chris means, as if he writes these things himself.  I find it so amusing that these girls seem to actually think that if they wear makeup on the date, that may be the deciding factor in him keeping them around, as if anyone's has ever been kicked off for misinterpreting a date card.  However, Mesa Verde is still around, so who knows what this dude's criteria are for a spouse.

The girls take off in a couple classic cars with Chris.  Ashley Kardashian says that "driving is one of the sexiest things a guy can do." Nice to know that I'm at my peak sexy on my way to work every morning.  Chris is excited to see how the girls react to being in nature.  Really, this looks like the pool party they had last week only with a larger pool and less clothing, as Kardashian takes her top off and Kaitlyn removes her bottoms.  Honesty, Intelligence, Humor, and Public Nudity are the pillars of any healthy marriage, duh!

Back at the house, the sisters have shown up.  Jillian and her blacked out booty are sleeping out in the sun while the girls get to know the sisters.  This censorship bar is starting to get on my nerves.  Whitney gets the first time with the sisters, and I love that they have notes.  At least someone is taking this farce seriously.  Britt is up next, and she's intimidated that there's three of them.  Is she complaining that it's unfair that he has three sisters?  That's kind of one of those variables you can't control, sweetie.  I also love that when the girls are asked about living in Iowa, none of them say much about it, more "well if you love someone, you'll go anywhere" as if Iowa is the last exit on the highway to Hell.  

Back on the group date, Chris tells the girls he's having a great time at the lake with the girls in their swimming suits.  Kelsey on the other hand is not having a great time.  In her defense, when's the last time a group of people over the age of 10 played Red Rover?  That is STUPID.  Tough luck for you, Toots - you're CAMPING!  Yet again, Chris gets to put on more clothing while the girls are forced to pitch tents in bikini's - something no normal person does.  In a the least shocking turn of events ever, Ashley Kardashian and McKenzie the Teen Mom who believes in aliens have trouble putting up a tent.  Other things those two probably have trouble doing:  Using the popcorn button on a microwave,   opening doors that include a lock AND a deadbolt, sinks that have separate knobs for the hot and cold water, and telling time on a clock that isn't digital.  

Key moment from the sister interviews:  Cruise ship Carly starts crying when they ask how she is "in relationships."  Bottom line, she's never had a guy treat her nicely and she doesn't have the love that her grandparents had.  I think it's probably a bad idea to tell the people deciding your dating fate that you're a terrible judge of character and date guys that treat you terribly.  Then again, she's trapped on a cruise ship, so her options are probably pretty damn limited.

Jade snags the coveted sister's pick solo-date, which is a royal ball from 8 to midnight.  "It's like Cinderella!" Britt coos, as if she's just solved the evil troll's riddle and now gets to cross the bridge.  However, I'm willing to bet this is EXACTLY what it's like - because there's a new Disney Cinderella movie coming out soon.  We all think of Disney as this wonderful company that makes movies for kids and runs a theme park, but we forget they also OWN OUR SOULS.  You don't think unless the mouse tells you what to think first.  We're all slaves to Mickey:

As the camping date wears on, the alcohol starts to take it's inevitable toll on Ashley, transforming her from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Mesa Verde.  She's singing crazy songs that nobody's ever heard and expecting people to join in, and Kelsey the pouty widow is trying to turn on the charm with Chris, laughing like there's no tomorrow.  Actually, if she keeps laughing like that, there probably is no tomorrow for her.  Can you imagine hearing that laugh every day for the rest of your life?  I've never been a fan of writing a person off because of one negative trait - I wouldn't stop dating someone just because they were messy or just because they liked pickles or because they sang the wrong words to a song everyone knows the words to - but that laugh would just grind on me like a stone on a knife, until I eventually used that knife to end someone's life.  Maybe my own, maybe hers....but that laugh would be an accessory to murder.  

Ashley uses her one on one time to ramble about the moon and tell him how much she loves him and peck him on the lips and tell him to "let that resonate in your mind."  Fantastic.  She's the best.  

Close runner up is Ashley Kardashian who calls this the "craziest night of her life" and then tells Chris that it's "so hard for her to like a guy" but that Chris makes her feel like she has a unibrow and that somehow means she has to inhale his lips and then pause and say "Like seriously, you don't even know."  Shockingly, she doesn't get the rose she so desires (it goes to Kaitlyn) and Ashley seems to think that this means that Chris thinks she's a slut.  

So to prove how unslutty she is, she crawls into his tent at night to tell him she's a nerd and "inexperienced in every way" as she continues to stare into his eyes and, of course, suck face with him as she tells us all that she's "not a hook-up girl."  

Side note:  I can't wait for the episode where two girls sneak out of their rooms/tents/whatever to "surprise" the Bachelor as he's sleeping at the same exact time.  I picture them meeting at the door and playing dumb with each other like they don't know why the other one is there, then calling each other sluts for trying to sneak some extra booty time with the Bachelor.  After God knows how many seasons of watching this show, I feel like I'm entitled to produce/direct at least one episode, right?

Now with everyone back at the house, Ashley Kardashian finds out that she's not getting to be the princess, and she is PISSED.  How dare they not pick her for this date?  Meanwhile, props to ABC for doing all the interviews with Jade while she has absolutely no makeup and looks as plain and ordinary as possible so that the "transformation" once it's over will make her look incredible.  Also, SURPRISE!  Here's the clips from the new Cinderella movie that inspired the look she's wearing tonight!  SHOCKER.

Time for the date, and Chris is nervously practicing his ballroom dancing.  Jade shows up and says "Chris is there smiling at me, and I had....like....permasmile all the way down the stairs!  Permanent smiles only last for a flight of stairs.  Apparently I need to update my personal definition of permanence.  Chris and Jade bond over their own respective failed engagements and shared midwesternness.  Chris then says the words every girl wants to hear on a date - "My sisters knocked it out of the park. Like FOR REALS."  This is totally like a fairy tale!  Everyone remembers that scene where Prince Charming leans over and says "damn Cinda-relly, you are totes amazing!"  Then we get to watch them dance while watching movie Cinderella dancing and an orchestra plays.  Alas, midnight is fast approaching, and our princess has to run away.  Will she leave a shoe on the steps?  Nope...there's a pre-placed shoe for her to run past.  Also, call me crazy, but it seems like he's way more into her than she is into him.  Perhaps that's just because she's a normal person and not a psychotic virgin skank or a teen mom or a cruise ship singer that hasn't seen a man her age since the SS Desperation shoved off six months ago, but I'm not getting the vibe that she's head over heels for this guy - not that I blame her.  She seems fairly grounded despite being a model.  She launched her own cosmetics line, which at least shows she's got a good head on her shoulders.

Group date #2 involves six girls in wedding dresses and a "let's get dirty" date card.  Jillian is like that girl in first grade that always wears a football jersey and pouts when her mom makes her wear a skirt for Easter service.  Chris thinks that the girls think that they're going to be doing something romantic, clearly forgetting the "let's get dirty" date card that he (allegedly) wrote for them.  Nope...they're going to something called Muckfest MS - which is a sort of Tough Mudder race for charity.  Whitney, who I was giving the benefit of the doubt as being one of the few smart girls on the show (along with Katilyn and Jade) thinks that "muck" is a combination of mud and smuck, despite not knowing what "smuck" is.  

Remember when Carly bested Jillian in the farm Olympics?  Apparently, that was the equivalent of Western Oregon beating Oregon State, because Carly tapped out super early on this challenge.  She does win quote of the episode when she says "she quit at the big balls, because then she was just offended."  Maybe she's the third smart girl?  Jillian predictably dominates and thinks she's won, but it's really Becca who wins the date, as Chris spends most of the time on the course walking with her. 

And now a quick list that I think sums up this episode:

Things that will win you a rose:

• Having a sense of humor
• Eye contact
• Confidence
• Letting Chris talk about himself
• Not being a skank

Thinks the girls THINK will win you a rose:

• Taking your top off
• Being a virgin
• Laughing hysterically at everything he says
• Drinking milk straight from the goat
• Running really fast
• Talking about yourself constantly and explaining why you're so awesome

Jillian somehow avoided the booty censorship bar on her date, but then spends the entire date talking about herself.  Chris says he's thinking about unicorns (why?) and then Jillian asks him if he'd rather have sex with a homeless woman or abstain from sex for five years (hilariously mixed in with her saying "so far it's going really well."  Chris then grabs the rose and tells her she's beautiful, and then of course tells her he's not giving her the rose.  She of course is devastated and all that confidence that she had while asking him how bad he wants to have sex with the crazy bird lady from Home Alone 2 is gone and she's crying and talking about how nervous she's been all night.  Adios, Jillian.  I'll miss your rectangular black ass more than you know.

No Chris, you can't have sex with me.  You kissed Ashley Kardashian....I will not be some virgin whore's sloppy seconds.

Back at the house for the cocktail party, and now that Jillian's gone the girls know that Chris is serious about finding his wife.  Time to ratchet up the crazy.  Megan's first to board the crazy train, talking about how she wants Chris to know that she's here for him only and then forgetting what she's talking about, and then pulling a blindfold out of her cleavage and feeding him fruit and saying that he can only use three of his five senses despite only hindering his sight.  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?  I have absolutely no clue how she thought that would let him learn anything about her other than that she watched some movie where people had sex on a kitchen floor in front of an open refrigerator.  

Challenger #2 for the crazy belt is Ashley Kardashian who still needs to clarify that she is in fact a virgin.  Incredibly, it seems she's taking the advice of a girl who was impregnated as a teenager that Chris will find her more attractive because of this.  Incredibly, it looks like she may be right, as Chris tells her he is really impressed by her virginity and that he totally respects it.  However, at no point has Ashley ever implied that this was her CHOICE.  She's played more of the "sex just is something that hasn't happened for me because I'm a big dork that has some sort of comedic mishap every time sexy time is about to happen."  Despite her telling him, and him saying he respects it, she then flips out because he didn't make out with her instantly.  I wonder why not?  Maybe because you just told him he was getting the wrong impression of you and you wanted him to know that you're not a sex crazed hook-up girl?  

As her downward spiral of Chris being virginity aware, McKenzie takes it upon herself drag her in front of the rest of the girls like it's some sort of narcotics anonymous meeting and say "this is my friend Ashley, and she's a virgin.  She's dealing with it as best she can, and she just really needs your support."  

Enter Becca, who is the EXACT OPPOSITE of Ashley.  She's the Harvey Dent to Ashley's Two-Face.  Becca lets the rest of the group know that she too is a virgin, and in a calm and rational manner, says "it's a choice I made, and it hasn't come up at all, so I haven't told him."  Becca is now my favorite.  It's the reason in college I didn't walk into parties and tell everyone "hey I don't drink, so DON'T OFFER ME A DRINK!"  Becca wins the week.

Britt loses her damn mind (first impression rose syndrome) and pulls Chris aside to chastise him for giving roses girls who take their tops off and telling him that "a lot of girls" thought about going home after the camping date (so, Kelsey) and that she needs to know why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn.  Unsurprisingly, Chris is not thrilled with being called a manwhore who is picking his wife based on how drunk/slutty the girl is.  So he does what anyone would do:

HE CHASTIZES THE GIRLS AND TELLS THEM TO LEAVE IF THEY DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE'S PICKING A WIFE.  

Really?  The nice guy just basically said "There's the door if you don't like watching me make out with other women."  I'm starting to see a few cracks in the Prince Farming mythology.  I see a guy who likes things done his way and doesn't handle criticism well at all.  Hope you don't read my blog, Bro!  

He then starts handing roses by saying "things are working for me."  Basically, "don't question how many times I make you parade around in a bikini and make out with other women in front of you, this  process is THE BEST way to find a wife.

The usual suspects get a rose, but also some girl named Samantha who I swear to God I didn't know was on the show.  Ashley Kardashian gets the rose - probably because he's hoping she snaps out of her virgin alter ego and goes back to letting him rub her magic belly button and getting a wish wrapped in a tongue.  

Hitting the bricks are Mesa Verde, Juelia the widow, and some other girl I don't really recognize (The Bachelor website tells me her name is Nikki).  Juelia gets the "you're so special because your husband committed suicide" talk and that he's doing her a favor by sending her home to her daughter.  He's really lucky he got meet her and then drops the line every single person loves to hear:  "someone will find you someday."  

Tune in next week when Kelsey apparently plans some sort of deceptive maneuver to win Chris' heart that involves dressing like a 1950's secretary, only to have her plan thwarted by Ashley Kardashian who thwarts said plan by wearing a dress that would barely fit a fourth grader.  Kelsey then apparently sees her plan unraveling before her eyes, so she beats the shit out of herself in the bathroom to the point that she needs medical attention in attempt to get  a rose using the "you can't give the girl in the hospital the boot" loophole last used by Tierra (she of the inner sparkle) on Sean's season.

To quote Bart Scott:

Bachelor Week 2: What Won't These Girls Do?

Welcome back!  ABC's wasting no time getting into it tonight, so I won't either.  Picking up right where we left off  at the House of Regret, Kimberly is going to give it the old college try.  The girls are all pissed, and wait it's morning already?  Holy crap they keep those girls going all night!  No wonder they're so drunk and disorderly by the rose ceremony.  Chris calls in Harrison to discuss, saying "one of the girls, didn't get a chance to talk her....and she wants to get another shot."  He calls her "one of the girls" because he still has no damn clue what her name is.

Chris, incredibly, keeps Kimberly around even walking hand-in-hand with her into the room to meet the other girls.  That's the way to amp up the crazy meter, bro!  Of course, the girls roll their eyes, act pissed off, and then hug her and welcome her back with open arms.  Kimberly basically dribbled out the clock, thinking she had a one point lead when she was actually losing, then successfully lobbied the referee to put a few more seconds on the clock.  Rather than be mad at the ref for allowing this farce to continue, the girls instead praise him for "keeping them on their toes" and "not playing by the rules."  The lengths these girls will go to to keep the image of the 'perfect' bachelor in their minds is staggering.

I have no sense of time on this show, because apparently the sun is coming up, giving the impression that they had a day off, but Harrison is asking Chris is he remembers anything from last night.  Harrison preps the ladies as Chris grooms his facial hair in a pair of tight shorts and hops into his outdoor shower, which......who has one of those?  Harrison makes sure to remind the ladies where Chris lives, all but drawing them a map to his front door.  Good times.  Group date is out, and of course Kimberly is on the date.  The girls aren't happy about it.  Megan is jealous, apparently not realizing that this means she's still eligible for the first one-on-one date.

The date card said "show me your country," so naturally they head to downtown LA and have a rooftop pool party.  Nothing about that screams country to me, but conveniently the girls have all worn their bikinis for country time.   Kimberly gets some one on one time, and Chris dorkily pretends that he's never met her and walks around the corner and introduces himself.  Kimberly of course loves it.

Ok what the hell are Jillian and Megan doing?  Despite it being obvious Jillian is wearing a bikini bottom, ABC feels the need to blur out her ass.  They've decided to sneak over to Chris' house and look around.  Fun fact:  Chris leaves his house unlocked and also parks his motorcycle inside.  Megan, apparently still drunk from the night before, straps on Chris' helmet and goes Gus Frerotte on every hard surface in the house.

Coincidentally, I feel like doing that too.  You can sum up Chris' remaining ladies in four words:  So hot, so dumb.  

Chris meanwhile is parading the ladies down a busy street in LA in their bikinis.  Ever the gentleman, he allows himself to put a shirt back on.  He leads them to a fleet of tractors and NOW the girls get why the date card said "show me your country."  I don't really understand when or why the date cards became so important that every girl has to break it down like the goddamned DaVinci Code, but it's like nobody can breathe easy until they understand why the date card says "country" on it.  Chris thinks the girls are looking "smoking hot" on the tractors, as if the tractors somehow made them sexier.  Don't let Chris near Kenny Chesney y'all.

The slowest "race" ever ensues as the tractors are either rigged to not be able to shift or the girls are incapable of learning how to shift them.  Chris says it's like like watching old people walk down the street with walkers.  The less crazy Ashley wins, and we flash back to the house where the non-daters are hearing about Juelia's sob story.  Her husband committed suicide right after their daughter was born.  Oh, and their daughter's name is Ireland, or judging by her mom's name, it's probably Iereland.  

This group date seems to be going horribly as Chris does a terrible job of carrying the conversation and tells the girls how hard it is to date six girls at one time, completely ignoring the fact that it's probably harder to be one of the six girls dating him.  So he says he needs to finish the night off with just one girl, and he picks Mackenzie.  Unbelievably, the remaining girls APPLAUD Chris for being such a gentleman and letting them know how hard it is for him.  When I die, if I'm lucky enough to make it into Heaven (which watching this show probably doesn't help), I hope everyone there gets the chance to be the Bachelor or Bachelorette for a while.  Just treat people like crap, remind them how hard it is for you to have so many girls blinded by your looks and completely fabricated and puffed up status as an ideal spouse that you could date a different one every day FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH, and then have them thank you for treating them like crap.  It's incredible.

Tara somehow seems to think that the fact that she only had a 16% chance of getting the one-on-one time on this date and didn't get it somehow means she's a failure.  Luckily, her friends Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Johnnie Walker are probably waiting for her back at the ranch.

Mackenzie, leads off their dating time by noticing his ears were once pierced, and then talked about how she's "super observant."  This is a girl who didn't know what alfalfa was.  She then compliments Chris on his big nose and asks if he believes in aliens.  The reason she's so nervous is because she hasn't told him she has a vegetable kid and she hasn't had a date in a year because of it.  Why is this so nerve wracking?  Is she ashamed that she has a kid that she claims is the light of her life?  Chris, not having any clue how to react to this news, says "wow, you're raising him all on your own? That must be so tough!"  She then follows it up by saying "yeah, and I worked all the way up until I had him!" as if every working woman doesn't do the same thing, because, you know, they want to take as much of their maternity leave AFTER the kid is there.  Then again, this woman decided it'd be a good idea to leave her one year old for up to three months to chase a 1/30 chance of catching a husband.  Actually, it's probably more likely she left her son to try to cash in on on her TV celebrity.   Also, she's a dental assistant, not a construction worker.  Let's not act like she was lifting cinder blocks or something at work.

Mackenzie reveals to the girls that Chris kissed her multiple times, and they're all shocked.  I love how they NEVER expect that other girls will kiss their man, and then get pissed when they ASK if he kissed her and she TELLS them.  The nerve of some people.

I'll give Megan this - she didn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the date card meant.  She didn't even know what the date card was.  She thought it was a love note, allegedly.  So we're supposed to believe that she didn't know anything about the show before applying to be on it?  She did zero research after being selected to be on it?  C'mon son.  The date card said something about "love being a natural wonder" so obviously they're going to some sort of national park or monument or something.  Hilariously, the first thing they see is the Hoover Dam, which is the exact opposite of a natural wonder.

Megan says something about how how crazy it is that she's on the show, given that it's happened so fast...a peculiar statement, which leads to Megan telling him how her dad died a month or so before the show started.  Chris, never says "I'm so sorry for your loss" or anything else, just "I'm lucky you still came!"  Way to win her over buddy.  He offers her the rose, she accepts, and smooching continues.  Megan seems to be instantly falling into the "first solo date" trap, where she thinks she's the only one he's got eyes for.  Will be interesting to see how she handles the other girls going on dates now.

Group date time, and the card says "til death do us part"  Somehow, none of the ladies think this has anything to do with a wedding, which was my original thought.  The girls are taken in their limo to an abandoned building, and all of a sudden they're freaking out.  Britt says this is her worst nightmare.  I know my worst nightmares involve being in a limousine on a dating show and being a part of an obviously fake horror movie scene.  Nonetheless, the  actors in zombie makeup scare the bejeesus out of all of them, as they all jump into each others lap to get away from the window as one of them snarls at them.  Good plan Chris.  Every girl wants to date a guy that scares the shit out of them.  Of course it's entirely probable that later on in the show, one or more of these girls will talk about how Chris' calm, strong presence was the only reason they were able to survive the haunted house.

Kelsey, who seems to be the sentimental favorite of every woman in my office, gives us a run down of how terrified they were when the door opened, but *surprise* it's Chris!  She then laughs like the Wicked Witch of the East and says "oops!'  The more crazy Ashley re-assumes her crazy persona, threatening to shoot everyone there.  As the zombies start coming out, and they just light them up with paintballs.  How much do you get paid to put on zombie makeup and let people shoot paintballs at your head?  Crazy Ashley continues her reign as she says she feels like she's a Mesa Verde, which has nothing to do with abandoned buildings or industrial warehouses or zombies or anything else.

Back at the house, Jordan is drunk as a skunk - she's twerking, and talking about Jillian's ass - which is apparently so sexy that it must be censored even in jeans.  Nikki Minaj can get her Anaconda video on TV, but Jillian's butt in some Wranglers is OFF LIMITS.  Not everyone thinks it's sexy though - Jordan thinks she needs to trim the hairs in her butt-crack, which.....why has she seen Jillian's ass crack?  What is going on in that house?  How often does the Bacardi truck back its way down the driveway to deliver more rum?

Back at the zombie warehouse, Kaitlyn gets some one on one time, but also hilariously mimes Crazy Ashley eating a rose.  Kaitlyn does a really overdone Canadian accent - which of course Chris says is "super sexy" - and gets a kiss. Next up is Crazy Ashley who wants to play hide n' seek, still thinks she's at Mesa Verde, somehow thinks she's in a dome, and then asks if he's afraid of spiders or snakes or jumping.  I will give Chris this - he completely takes everything she says in stride, without letting it get him flustered.  I'm flustered, however.  Did ABC put a mentally ill person on national TV so we could make fun of her?  Are they pretending to put a crazy person on TV so we can make fun of her? Despite her obvious mental deficiencies, Chris says "I still need time to figure her out" as if he's some sort of psychiatrist who could win a Nobel Prize if he unlocks her mind.

The Britt-Chris show picks up where it left off last week, with dorky "free kiss" notes and lots of making out and discussions of how perfect they are together.  Predictably, he gives the rose to the girl he describes as a 'firecracker' and now Britt's gripping, as if she honestly believes that a rose was guaranteed to her every week.  This should end well.

I gotta say, having a two hour episode where I can fast forward through commercials following last week's three hour marathon show makes me feel like this is a breeze to get through.  We're already to the cocktail party?  Whitney leads off the party with her nasally voice that reminds me of Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers by giving him a bottle of whiskey to remind him of Iowa.

Ashley is nervous that she's a virgin, but apparently this isn't a big deal to her, but it is to Mackenzie, who wishes she was still a virgin because "all guys love taking a girl' virginity" according to her.  In typical 24 year old virgin fashion, she makes him rub her magic lamp belly button ring so he can have three wishes and then proceeds to eat his face.  She also makes some sort of comment about how she needs to let him know that she's goign to be a "good time for the rest of his life."

Britt is not handling this well at all.  Clearly she had already taken a trip to the DMV to get her name officially changed to Britt Soules.  Jordan goes in for a drunken conversation, but can't close the deal, even telling Chris that "she was coming in for the kill" but then backs off.  Only on The Bachelor will the virgin give you three wishes on her belly button ring and the drunk twerking girl not make out with you.  This show is amazing.  It's like a choose your own adventure book with typos.  When you decide to get pick up the hitchhiker, you end up getting home safely, and when you pass him by you still end up waking up in a hotel bathtub packed in ice with a note telling you that your kidney has been taken and 911 has already been called to your location.

Chris is ready to send some girls home.  Logic would say Crazy Ashley, Jillian (due to her inactivity), and maybe Kimberly who just got a pity week are sure bets to go home.  Britt gets the first rose, which throws me for a loop, because if anyone was a candidate for a Stage 4 freakout as she has to wait for the last rose, she was it.

Also safe are a lot of other girls we haven't seen much of (Sam?  Tandra? Amber? Carly?)  Jillian thinks he calls her, but instead takes Juelia.  Jillian tries to backtrack, but slips on the carpet and lets out a crazy cackle laugh to rival the one Kelsey gave us earlier.  Not to be outdone, Chris gives his own high pitched giggle, and this season is definitely the most annoying laughter season of The Bachelor EVER!

In the end, Tara the drunk sport fisher does in fact go home alone again, Kimberley was a pity choice, Jordan will always wonder if she should've gone in for the kill, the stewardess will have to find someone else to be smoking hot on her flight.  During the farewells, Chris whispers "you're so pretty" to her as he lets her go.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?  Tara's really not handling this well.  She says this will "haunt her for the rest of her life."  Something tells me that by the end of this season, she'll be thanking her lucky stars she didn't end up with this giggly douche.

Bachelor Season 19? How is that possible?

Before we get started, I need to invite you all to join a Bachelor Bracket - that's right...let's see who knows the most about a completely staged reality show.  So click the link and join in the fun!  Alright, lets get to it.

This three hour premiere even has a red carpet.  Look, there's Sean and that girl whose name I can't remember!  There's some dude taking selfies with lonely women!  Chris Harrison tells us this season has a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a good girl with an x-rated past, and two widows.  So two completely overblown stories, and two ladies capitalizing on deceased loved ones.

Now we go to Chris on a motorcycle.  Dudes in leather jackets on motorcycles are supposed to look badass, but Chris is wearing a helmet that makes him look like this:

Also, let's just get one thing straight right now:  The Prince Farming thing is complete crap.  Farmers are dirty, dirty people.  They deal with pig crap and dust and grease and all sorts of nasty stuff.  Think of common sayings associated with farmers:  farmer tans, farmer blows, etc.  Not sexy.  And oh god, they got Cody Code out of Michelle Money's clutches to train Chris by carrying hay bales and calf raises on the side of a barn.  Apparently there are no 24 hour fitnesses or crossfit gyms in Iowa.  Also, a quick google search confirms that Michelle Money has cut Cody loose and is now a host on some morning talk show in Utah.  Shocking.

Two quick observations:

1. For Bachelor alums, the season premieres and Men/Women Tell All/After the Final Rose shows are like their Super Bowls.  I can honestly say I haven't thought about Marcus and Lacy or Cody and Michelle since Bachelor in Paradise ended.  And I'm going to stop thinking about them as soon as this show is over. But tonight, 19 million people or whatever are saying "oh yeah, those guys!" and they can somehow parlay that into a way to make enough money to not really do anything the rest of the year.  Amazing.
2. Watching TV shows on demand is not something I do often (or ever really).  I'm just now learning that I can't fast forward through commercials.  This is going to be a long night.

Marcus and Lacy are out to talk about planning their wedding, and I don't think it's a good sign when Harrison asks if they're still madly in love and Lacy nervously nods and Marcus says "we're keeping on keeping on."  Yikes.  Lacey then makes a really poorly delivered "80/40" joke, and...we're done with them.

Now we get into the girls.  First up is Britt, a cute waitress from Hollywood, CA who apparently doesn't have sex with her boyfriends but offers free hugs to people on the Hollywood Strip.  Sounds like a good way to end up in a serial killer's basement, but good for you Britt.

Next we get a cross-fitting news producer from DC named Jillian who looks like she may be a former cheerleader or gymnast.  She seems super intimidating.

Amanda is a ballet instructor from Illinois with Rapunzel-sized eyes.  She lives at home with her mom because she doesn't like to cook or clean.  I don't like to do those things either, sweetheart, but I still got my own place and dirtied the hell out of it.  Why don't you just admit that being a ballet instructor pays terribly?

Whitney is a fertility nurse with a nasally voice and the best hair on someone wearing scrubs this side of Dr. Meredith Grey.  She's also go a tiny dog that she wants Chris to be the daddy of.  She's off my list.

Mackenzie is a 21 year old with a kid named after a vegetable.  Little Kale is super cute, and mommy says she has way more fun hanging out with a toddler than people her own age apparently.  a mature thing for a mom to say.  Why does she like Chris?  Because she "thinks he's hot..." Ok, maybe not so mature.

Next we get a flight attendant whose name I missed and I'm not going back because I'm already going to be up way too late tonight, but she made a comical "no smoking on this flight, unless you're smoking hot" joke.  I laughed.  Points for her for owning an absolutely terrible joke.  The follow-up skit about handing a rose to a creepy looking fake passenger did not go over nearly as well.

Kelsey is our first widow.  I don't really get why she never mentions his name or we don't see a picture of them together though.  Unless of course his family is horrified at the idea of their dead son's widow paddle boarding in a bikini on a reality dating show while talking about how much she loved her deceased husband.  That might have something to do with it.

Back on the red carpet, we've got a countdown to the first limo, and there's 30 minutes until that happens.  Jesus, how have I only been typing for half an hour?  Andi and Josh are here, talking about how people stop them all the time and tell them how supportive they are of their relationship.  These two clearly enjoy their pseudo-fame.  Speaking of pseudo-fame, I'm cracking up seeing some of the former cast members who aren't in relationships cultivated on TV just kind of milling around in the background with a drink in hand, waiting for someone of the opposite sex to recognize them.

Now we get to recap how terrible Juan Pablo was/is.  Bottom line, the guy took a stand and wasn't going to let America dictate when and how he told his girlfriend that he loved her for the first time.  Nikki says "we tried, we real life tried.  Not just TV tried," which I have no idea how that means.  This conversation is like five minutes too long, as Nikki finds a million ways to say "we're two different people."  ABC seems to think that people really turned in to hate on Juan Pablo, which.....really?  I really could do without this bullcrap filler television.  Can we get to the limos already?

Answer:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA No way!  We OWN you, Lasselle.  First watch these commercials (I gotta say that while I hate Diet Coke, the "what if life tasted as good as Diet Coke?" commercial is pretty good) and let Harrison fire us up with "are we ready to start these Bachelor viewing parties?" As if most of us suckers haven't been sitting here watching crap for the last hour.  Screw you, Harrison.

Soules is (finally) back in his Great Gazoo helmet telling us how much he hates wearing super expensive clothes and having people take his picture, all while smiling and making "this is harder than harvest!" jokes.  Harvest might challenge "journey" and "love is like" comments on this show.  Official "harvest" mentions: 3.

Rapunzel says that his smile is a "panty dropper."  This woman lives with her mother, don't forget.  First limo pulls up, and we immediately go to a commercial.  How many people watch this show, and how much money does ABC rake in on this?  It's got to be an astronomical amount.  What other reality shows do you know are talked about weekly on a sports talk show (Petros and Money) or broken down on a "sports" website (Grantland)?  I feel like the show's actually getting MORE popular, which is pretty nuts for a show that's been on this long.

Britt's out of the limo first, and she gives him the longest hug in introduction history.  She looks a little desperate and crazy.  She gives him one of her patented "free hug" fliers.  Whitney tells Chris that she wouldn't be here if it wasn't him.  Kelsey the first widow says she was nervous getting out of the limo and then she saw Chris and suddenly she's no longer nervous.  Megan the Makeup Artist gets out of the limo and Chris says "Hello. Blondie!"  Then he follows up that by saying "you're beautiful.  Blue eyes, oh my God!"  Somebody get this guy a new pair of boxers.  Come on man.  As he's done with every girl so far, he's makes some sort of "these girls are so hot!' comment under his breath as she walks away.  Reagan the human tissue seller brings a human heart as her ice breaker - just kidding, it's totally fake!  Tara the sport fisherman enthusiast shows up in jean shorts and boots because "this is me." which seems like a pretty good strategy actually.  She then immediately changes into a cocktail dress (after ordering a cocktail) and sneaks back into the limo to reintroduce herself as a girl who can be taken out of the country, but the country can't be taken out of her.  Somehow her "I've gotta be me" act seems like it's going to turn into a "I'm going to do a bunch of wacky stuff that will probably get me sent home tonight, but then I can just say that Chris couldn't handle the real me and I wasn't going to pretend to be this perfect trophy wife for anyone!"

The bad ice-breakers continue as some girl stays in the limo and whips out a note asking Chris to close his eyes and turn around.  It's Rapunzel the crazy, although she's dressed like Jasmine in her belly shirt.  She goes for the "secret admirer" tactic as she saunters inside without ever letting him see her.  I wonder if she remembers that the secret admirer bit didn't work for Chris, and that's the reason he's the Bachelor now.  Maybe that's her angle all along...she wants to be the next Bachelorette!  She's not here for the right reasons!!!  Some girl puts a penny in his shoe, and then we get Kaitlyn  who says she'd let him "plow the f*ck" out of her field any day.  Chris is completely befuddled.  She then wipes some glitter of his face and yells "WHO IS SHE?" in his face, which would have been hilarious if she hadn't gone way over the top with the field joke.  I like her though.  She'll be good entertainment.

Chris awkwardly makes a "are you sure you all are at the right house?" joke as if someone else was waiting for multiple limousines full of well dressed women. Kaitlyn then trumps his joke with her own dirty joke about a walrus and a "tight seal" which, holy crap this chick is crazy.

Britt gets the first one-on-one time and talks about her hugs can be his safe haven and any time he's having any sort of a feeling whatsoever, her tiny arms are there to give him a dainty hug.  Some other girl tries to impress Chris by saying she was "literally in Peru literally hiking Macchu Pichu when she literally looked down an picked up a stone that is literally shaped like a heart."  Literally I hate your braggy story.  You remind me of Eric on Andi's season, and we all know what happened to him.  (If you don't, he told amazing stories of his travels around the world, and then he died on one of those travels.  Don't brag about your travels.)

There's 15 women there, and they're all predictably worried about where everyone else is rather than taking advantage of the diminished competition.  Then Harrison shows up with his first impression rose and now it's "real" for the girls.  But first, let's go back to the studio, where ABC has flown in six farmer's wives from Chris' hometown to talk about what a great guy he is.  Am I the only person who thinks that all six of these ladies look related?  Just how small is his hometown?


Chris shows incredible idiocy when he can't figure that the secret admirer is the only woman there that he hasn't seen already.  Then we get a lot of talk about how big Amanda's eyes are and lots of close up shots of her eyes as she says stuff like "eye contact is important," and "I feel like I'm staring at him."  Let's hope that on her first one on one date he takes her to a museum or something and we get to see her looking through a magnifying glass, or maybe they go to see that Big Eyes movie in a cross promotion.

Finally we get back to the limos to meet the remaining ladies.  Or not...first we get more shots of Lacy and Marcus not looking in love and a chat with Clare, whose cheekbones seem to have migrated north.  Is this some makeup trick, or did she have some work done?  In any event, she looks way overdone.

Nicole, one of my preliminary favorites hops out wearing a fake pig nose and i'm like "oh my god I might've picked a real loser."  However, she's followed up by the WWE diva-in-training in what looks like a "sexy bride" Halloween costume with a #soulesmate sign and a girl in a pink prom dress with a karaoke machine, so I think she's probably safe.  Hang in there Nicole!

Tracy, a 4th grade teacher, reads a note from one of her students that says "pick my teacher so that she doesn't end up sad an alone with 9 cats."  She wins the walk-ups in my opinion.  There's a lot of confident girls interrupting conversations and girls who aren't confident enough to interrupt, moaning about how they're not getting any time.  Bring on the irrational panicking!

Looks like the Crazy Title is taken by the Brooklyn Hair Stylist who starts going nuts about onions and then wants to pick one off a tree saying "if it's a pomegranate then God bless it."  She then pulls it off the tree and says "I feel powerful" but starts laughing before they can edit it out, perhaps giving us a peek behind the curtain of ABC showing us that she won't be around for longer than tonight and told her that she had an opportunity to get a little more screen time if she acted nuts.  Tara on the other hand, just looks drunk.  Some people on this show have acted drunk before, but Tara looks exactly like every drunk girl I remember encountering in high school and college.  She is legitimately drunk.  This could get better in the last 45 minutes!

Britt gets the first impression rose, after being the first person out of a limo and the first girl profiled on the show.  She then gets the first kiss and holy crap they're about to talk about how they finish each others sandwiches and how their mental synchronization can have but one explanation.  Kristoff needs to show up immediately to remind these two what happens when you get engaged to someone you just met THAT NIGHT.  Hopefully he doesn't leave her to die and try to kill her sister.

Back at the studio, Michelle Money somehow snuck in and throws out "Britt doesn't shower!" comment.  Meanwhile, the Iowa ladies just say "that's our Chris" which could either mean "he's always falling in love way too quick," or "dude is a complete player."  For our sake, I hope it's the latter, because that will make for much better television.

Good news, we're at the rose ceremony!  Bad news, there's still half a freaking hour of this thing left. my laptop is about to die, and I'm in serious need of a Pepsi, but it's almost midnight and drinking a Pepsi now seems like a terrible idea.

Crude Jokes Kaitlyn gets the first rose, followed by Last Out of the Limo Jade, Samantha the Unremarkable, Ashley the potential twin of Samantha, Tandra the Tall, Anonymous Nikki, Kelsey the Widow, Megan the Beautiful Blue Eyed Blondie, Elisa the Flight Attendant, Token Minority girl, Juelia of the extra E, Becca the sparkly, (Tara the drunk is really starting to lose it), Trina (yet another anonymous blonde), and then Chris has to leave, presumably because he's concerned about Tara.  I'm concerned about the girls standing around Tara, because one of them is about to get puked on.  Chris discusses with Harrison, and they have a meeting of the minds over what the proper protocol is with issuing roses to the drunkest person there.  Historically, super drunk people have not been moved along.  Chris makes the good point however that it has been a long night and he gets how the situation could lead to over serving yourself.  Also collecting roses are Jillian, Jordan, Mackenzie, Whitney, Carley the Cruise Ship Singer, and.....Ashley the onion/pomegranate aficionado.  Once again, my initial favorite goes home night one.  Chris gives Nicole the "you're amazing" line on her way out.  Ouch.  Big Eyes is also gone, and she starts crying, which could potentially end the drought in Southern California.  At least she has a loveable chameleon waiting back home in her tower for her.  In my initial blog about the ladies a few weeks ago, I speculated that "on paper" Kimberly the yoga instructor was a potential favorite.  She's out.  I did get right my "don't even get out of the limo pick" with Kara however.  Kimberly, however, is not going down without a fight.  In a Bachelor first, Kimberly returns from rejection to beg for her reality TV life.  Why not, right?  What's she got to lose?  In true ABC fashion, we'll have to wait until next week to see if she is able to change Chris' mind.  You'd think Chris, the genuine farmer guy that we've all been led to believe he is, will politely tell her how incredible she is, and then stick to his guns in fairness to the women he picked.  Very rarely has someone pulled off the unexpected return to the show with any success. Kacey B tried it with Ben without any success, and who can forget Chris Bukowski's pathetic pandering at the gates during Andi's season?

And mercifully, this three hour tour has come to an end, although I'm not entirely sure it ended any better than the three hour tour of the SS Minnow.  Hopefully that's the last extended Bachelor of the season, but my guess is "probably not."

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

That's right....Bachelor is back!!!  Farmer Chris is back to bore us all to death and subject us to a bazillion bad farm puns, such as "I'd let him plow my field" and "I can't wait to roll in the hay with him!" Now that we're only a month away from the premiere, ABC has generously let us have a peek at the ladies online, with glamor shots taken at a local JC Penney, made up job titles such as "cadaver tissue saleswoman," "WWE Diva in training," and "sport fishing enthusiast," and - my favorite - completely absurd question and answer sessions!  Our ages range from 21 to 33.

A new wrinkle in the bios this year is the addition of fill in the blanks!  "If I never had to _____, I would be very happy/sad."  This could be fun....

....or it could be super boring.  Our first girl up is Alissa, who is 24 and from Hamilton, NJ. She would be happy to never upset anyone again, and sad if she never got to play with puppies.  Unfortunately for her, she's a flight attendant, so there's a 100% chance she's going to piss someone off on the next flight by calmly explaining that their guitar case is not a carry-on and cannot be stored under the seat in front of them.  Rough gig.  Her bio has a couple typos, which I'm blaming on her (perhaps unfairly) and her biggest achievement to date is getting a yoga certification.  It's tough asking someone in their early twenties what their biggest accomplishment is.  I think my biggest accomplishment at 24 was that I had somehow managed to not flunk out of college yet.  Anyways I don't give her much chance of winning.

Skipping ahead a little bit, we meet Bo, a plus-size model from California.  She's immediately disqualified for contradicting herself by saying she has no fears and is open to new experiences, then saying she'd be happy if she never had to skydive.  Also, answering the "three people you'd like to have at dinner" with Beyonce, Rihanna, and....Mother Theresa.  Again with the typos - pretty sure it's Teresa.  I'm absolutely blown away with the lack of effort people put into their spelling these days.  Say you went to a restaurant and ordered a burger with no pickles.  Now, if that burger shows up and has pickles on it, you're kinda pissed about it, right?  Now imagine you went to the waiter and said "this isn't right, it has pickles on it," and he shrugged and said "whatever, it's still a burger right?"  THIS IS HOW SOCIETY TREATS SPELLING THESE DAYS.  Makes me furious.

I'm now completely paranoid that there will be a typo in this blog.

Jesus, there's thirty of these girls?  Let's stop breaking them down and just hand out some way too early, super-judgmental awards to the contestants.

Most Superfluous Use of the Letter E in a name: Juelia or Reegan (tie)

Girl Who Will be Hated by Other Girls Because She's Super Pretty:  Tracy

I could see her walking in and all the other girls tittering "what's so special about her?" because nobody wants to admit that she's better looking than them.  She's like a 2014 version of Kelly Kapowski.  Also, is that a lanyard around her neck?  It looks like a lanyard with one of those special keys to turn on lights in the gyms at elementary schools.

Girl Who Will be Hated Because She's "Not There for the Right Reasons:" Brittany
She's a WWE Diva in Training and is wearing the most sexually suggestive top of any of the contestants in her glamor photo.  She'll be this season's Tierra/Courtney/Clare for sure.  Good luck.

Girls Who Will Be Hated For No Apparent Reason:  The Rest of Them
That's why we watch!

Girl Who Probably Never Took a Women's Studies Course:  Jordan
Thinks the best way to impress a guy is to "do a sexy dance for him."  Given the chance to be anyone for day, she'd chose this woman:

Most Confused Girl:  Megan
Can't live without her phone, hates when guys text while talking to her.  Wants to be a lion because "they are leaders."  Pretty sure only one lion is the leader, Toots.  Thinks getting drunk and puking in her purse makes her "adventurous."  I hope she stays around longer than she probably should on this show.

Don't Even Bother Getting Out of the Limo:  Kara
She's a high school soccer coach at 25!  She's gotta be fun, right?  She's from Kentucky, so she'll have an adorable accent.  I'm predicting she'll be totally sweet, but completely out of her element and overwhelmed.  I mean, look at the shirt she's wearing:

What is with those sleeves?  Maybe she'll get lucky and Megan will assume she's a leader and help her along.

"On Paper" Favorite to Win:  Kimberly
She's pretty, a yoga instructor who graduated from college with honors, loves to get dressed up, and never wants to worry about money.  Sounds like a perfect match for a rich farmer.  Also says one of her favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption, which is way too obvious, but everyone has seen it so it's a good conversation starter in a pinch.

Girl Who Gets My First Impression Rose:  Nicole
She's the only redhead, she has the most exaggerated head tilt of any of the glamor shots, and her favorite animal is a wolf because "they're magical and bad-ass creatures." One of the only people who gave intelligent, somewhat thoughtful, and funny answers to questions.  My endorsement of course means she'll be gone within the first three weeks.

Girl Who Will Get Farmer Chris' First Impression Rose:  Tandra
Tall (like two inches taller than the plus size model tall) blonde with the whitest teeth I've ever seen and a "real" job (executive assistant).  I think she'll stand out.  I've heard some guys are into that sort of thing.....

Well there you have it.  I think there's potential here, but then again I purposefully didn't watch the promo video for the season because I didn't want to be disappointed right away.