Well it's been billed as the most dramatic bachelorette finale since....the last bachelorette finale, right? After weeks upon weeks of tears and slow violin music, we're finally ready to find out who does who wrong here. Does Brooks walk away? Does her brother return to saBROtage (see what I did there?) her chance at love again? Does Drew finally admit that he's more into Chris Harrison? Let's get this on.....
....but first let's have twenty-five minutes of recapping all the crap we've rehashed over and over and over throughout the season. At least we got to see WAN PAAABLO again, albeit briefly. That guy is almost a no-brainer for next bachelor, right? He's gotta be the first person they ask...even before the weepy guitar playing sno-cone penguin Zak, right?
Des is still recapping her three finalists in the "There's Chris, and here's six compliments about him, but then there's Drew, and here's EIGHT compliments about him, but of course then there's Brooks, and here's forty-seven things I love about Brooks because he's the most perfect man EVER" style
Seriously, what is so amazing about him? He is a nice guy and I guess somewhat attractive, but their conversations (at least the one's they've shown) haven't seemed all that intellectual or deep. And apparently it's BROOKS that is the subject of all the angst. A quick teaser of him telling his family he's uncomfortable proposing and then straddling the fence on his feelings about Des in a conversation with Chris....you just KNEW that with all the "I'm in love with Brooks and this competition is close to over" comments Des has made over the past few episodes this wasn't going to end well, right? I think I've said before that I just didn't see the chemistry between them despite what they were saying, so I really should have seen this coming. Also, I should've known that the brother lurking in the lobby when Brooks was walking through was some sort of foreshadowing. That scene made absolutely no sense when it was shown, but if Brooks dumps Des, then "the crazy brother was right about this guy all along" aspect comes into play.
Of course, ABC doesn't take us right to the Brooks drama, and makes us suffer through a boring Drew date first. Let's tour Antigua together, and have a large black man intimidate them into kissing in public. I think all he had to do was say "kiss...kiss....ROB A LIQUOR STORE!" and they would've done it.
Des leads Drew down a path which Drew calls a path to (double entendre alert) a "secret garden." Sorry Drew, that comes later on tonight in the fantasy suite. Instead you're going to talk about how much Des loved your family and smooch a little bit.
Back from commercial, they're still kissing, but the weather has changed and it's now night time. Rain has washed out their dinner, but that's not going to ruin Des' date. "Rain will not ruin my night with Drew" she says emphatically. She then puts the cart before the horse and brings him into the fantasy suite before asking him if he wants to join her in the fantasy suite. Drew then finds twenty-six different ways to say yes. Des then goes through how her ex-boyfriend never expressed his feelings, at which point Drew says "well I totally don't have a problem telling you how I feel!" Which completely misses the point that she already knew that and was illustrating why Drew is still around at this point. What a dummy. I will say this for Drew though, he's laying it all out there.
Alright...here we go! Brooks apparently is really struggling with having an overnight date with Des. They haven't really said this, but Brooks has to be Mormon right? He's from Utah, he has a huge family, and some of those family members live in Idaho....is he going to play the religion card at this point? Seems kinda sketchy to bring morals and values into the game at this stage, right? He's never given any indication that he wasn't 100% into Des, has he? We went through that whole "we're jogging, and we're almost at the finish line" junk. I remember him saying how happy he was to hear that Des was almost at the finish line with him.
Brooks then goes through all the things he loves about Des and his mom and sister echo all those things, but all of a sudden the love isn't there. This seems pretty crazy. I love that Brooks asks his family how he has this conversation with Des. When his mom says "you have to be honest," he almost sounds disappointed. What, was he hoping that they were going to help him craft some sort of elaborate breakup story? "So, I can't marry you because...ummm...because it turns out that I have a wife that I thought drowned ten years ago (surprise!)...yeah, and she's had amnesia for the past decade, but she just was struck by lightning and now she remembers me....yeah...so I can't marry you, sorry!" What the hell man?
Chris has his date, and he spends more time describing the colors of the waters around Antigua than he does talking about Des. I'll bet he's written some killer poems about that water. After a helicopter ride to a private beach (yawn) Des proposes a toast. Does she toast to their relationship, or to Chris? Nope...she toasts to the beach! Not a good sign, Christopher. Chris then offers Des a piece of fruit, and Des says "When in Antigua..." and Chris follows in Drew's footsteps by saying something that doesn't need to be said. "...Do as Antiguans do!" he gushes. There's no ending to that saying, Chris! Everyone knows what "when in (fill in a location)" means! Nobody says "when in Rome, do as the Romans do." It's just "when in Rome." Bonus points if you use "When in Rome" no matter what city you're in. If someone offers to take you deer hunting in Wisconsin and you say "when in Rome," then you've just moved up a few spots on my list of favorite people. Apologies to people who say "for intensive purposes," but you're getting dropped.
Odds a poem is recited at this dinner? I'd say 85%. Chris may not get the chance though, because he makes the bold step of stating his desire to continue to live in Seattle. Des is definitely not feeling this, and tries to hint to Chris that if she really loved him, he'd be willing to sacrifice and move for her. Chris misreads this and think she's talking about herself, so Chris barrels ahead, and Des decides to not completely ruin the mood and kill the fantasy suite portion and just flat out lies through her teeth by saying she'd be open to living in Seattle.
Also what the hell is that noise in the background of this conversation? It's was this screechy noise that sounds something like a wind chime gone horribly wrong. I'm glad that's over....but nope! Here comes our poem!
Methinks Chris was ready to move on to the sexytime portion of our date, because he read that poem in record time. It was basically just six sentences strung together with nothing significant about them. I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but he didn't even try to throw in any horrible metaphors or similes this time.
Ok Brooks, let's get down to business. Des can't even contain her smile as she's getting dressed and ready for this date, but Brooks is having a much different emotion going on....who better to discuss this with than the recently divorced Chris Harrison? Brooks basically sounds like he didn't realize that marriage was a possibility at the end of this show until just now. Chris asks him if he's not sure if he's in love or if he's just not in love with her. Brooks says "hmmm....I'm not sure." What a maroon. Either you're in love with her or you're not. Brooks then says some bullshit about love having a feeling of pain associated with it. I don't even know what to say about that. People who associate love with pain are the kind of people who beat their girlfriends and then say that they did it because they love them so much it hurts to see them look at other people. Brooks then goes through all this garbage about how "the last thing he wants to do is hurt Des" which always seems funny when you know exactly what you're going to do is going to crush her. Although then again, he's only been dating her for a couple months, so if you think about it a "real world" perspective, telling your non-exclusive girlfriend of two and a half months that you don't see a marriage in the cards for the two of you isn't that big of a deal.
Poor Des is gushing about how awesome this date is going to be and fantasizing about Brooks proposing and everything else. This is going to be rough. Buckle up Des! No kissy kissy this time...and Des immediately knows something's up. "It's amazing how you know right away that something's wrong," Brooks says. Well, the not going in for the kiss thing is a pretty big giveaway Brooksy. Brooks is awful at breaking up with people. Brooks keeps talking about how amazing Des is, and how shocked he was to have a good first date. Finally he gets to the point, but only when Des shows him the way. Once Des says something about losing the feeling of love when they're apart, he goes 'yeah, that's what's happening." Des finally truly grasps what's happening and starts crying. Brooks, showing just how stupid he really is, says "please don't cry...why are you crying?" Des is starting to get into the anger stage here and I'm fearing for Brooks' safety. It's only a fleeting moment though before sadness overtakes the anger again and she curls up into a ball and cries it out. Des tells Brooks she loves him, and all of a sudden Brooks is like "why didn't you say so earlier?" as if that would've made a difference. Total D-bag move. You can't break up with someone then say "well if you'd done this or that, things would've been totally different. You don't get to end a relationship that's had absolutely no disagreements or bad times and not own every part of the breakup. I award you no points, Brooks.
To hammer his idiocy home, Brooks says "it sucks that there's nothing I can say...." and then continues to talk. He knows that nothing he says is going to make her feel better, and yet he continues to shower her with compliments. Just go man. Instead he's treating this like it was some sort of elaborate test to see just how much she cared about him, and he's hoping to be able to say "you passed the test! I will stay with you!" You're done bud. There's no coming back from this. You better hope your next girlfriend didn't watch this, either. I think he even asked her what she was going to do...as if she has any reason to tell him. He just wanted to hear her say that she had feelings for one of the other guys and that they could console her. No luck buddy. Now he's crying because he didn't want to say goodbye, and yet that's exactly what he came here to do. How did he see this going? Was he expecting a "awwww, thanks for coming out here buddy....no hard feelings, ok?"
As if to add inslut to injury, Brooks has now put her in the awful position of having to do the same thing he just did to her TWICE with two other guys. You had to live through that conversation once, Brooks. She's going to have to do it three times.
Unless of course she realizes between now and next Monday that she actually loved Chris all along, and he's been the one from the beginning and Brooks was just an obstacle on their journey to true happiness. Because nothing about this show makes a lick of sense.
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