Welcome to Prague! Emily says she doesn't know what to expect this week. Let me help you out Em: Lots and lots of man tears! Chris reminds everyone for the sixth consecutive week that this week is "crucial." Hometowns come up for the four survivors next week, so you really need to maximize your time with Emily guys. Jef, master of the obvious, tells us that "Emily meeting his family would be a "big deal."
Arie gets the first one on one. He seems surprised, saying "I did not expect that." Jef redeems his previously dumb comment by sarcastically saying "neither did I." Good for him. Point for Jef. I find it amazing that I'm saying this, but Jef may actually be my favorite guy left. Arie's an idiot, and we'll get to see more of his dumbassery tonight apparently. Doug..is awful. Chris is not ready for a relationship. John calls himself "Wolf" and carries death cards in his wallet. I don't think I gave the death cards enough play last week. Is this like carrying pictures of your children in your wallet, only it's your dead grandparents? Wouldn't a picture be enough. The fact that it's called a "death card" makes me think that it's got stats on it like it's a Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie card or something. Grandpa Wolf: Height 6'2 Weight 202. Occupation: Cobbler. Years active: 1934-2010. Do you trade these with other people? Would you give up both your grandparents for your friends uncle who died in Iraq on his third tour? Are people that died in odd ways more valuable? I need to know more about death cards. And Sean, well, I really have nothing against Sean other than that he seems to be winning this competition based on his looks alone, given that the only time he's really said anything significant is when he gave that regrettable public speech in England about how he was going to love better than anyone has ever loved before. So yeah, Jef's in the top two or three. Yikes. Slim pickings for the West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat.
Emily knows what Arie did last summer, and guess what? It was a producer! Scandal! Producer Cassie decides to come forward to Emily in what can only be described as an attempt to get herself some air time. I like how they try to make it out that the HAD to tell Emily after it became clear that she had feelings for Arie. Except it would've probably been a better idea to tell her right away...I agree with Emily on this one. It's not a big deal, except now that everyone's been hiding it, it has turned into a "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!" thing.
Emily and Arie sit down at a cafe. Emily essentially orders Arie a rope to hang himself with, and Arie gleefully ties the noose himself by saying over and over again how trustworthy he is and that honesty is always the best policy and how sometimes the truth hurts but it's always better to get it out there. Emily seems to be in no hurry to confront him about Cassiegate, instead opting to see how deep of a hole she can get him to dig himself into. Arie's hair seems to be getting more and more intentionally messy as the weeks go on. It's as if with each week he feels more and more convinced he will win this thing and as such can be a little more daring every week with his hairstyle.
Back from commercial, Chris Harrison lets us all down by telling us that the confrontation about this little "love triangle" happened off camera. Translation: It happened on camera, but was so brief and devoid of drama that there was no reason to show it. Not surprisingly, they tried to make a mountain out of a molehill to get people hooked into watching, as Arie basically says "it was such a small thing, there was no reason to bring it up" and Emily says "you're so right! Let's make out again! Remember when I got fake mad at you at ABC's request for not telling me Kalon was a dick? So sorry I had to do that again, but because I've already made up my mind that you're going to win this thing, I have to make things up to keep the season going."
Back at home, a guy asks "what do you think they're doing?" Doug takes the Captain Obvious crown from Jef by replying "almost certainly they're having dinner somewhere cool." Doug's so astute. The Wolf claims the second solo date. Chris wants to go Incredible Hulk because he didn't get a date, but doesn't because he knows the other guys would rat him out for being angry.
Back at dinner somewhere cool, Arie drops the "L" word and Emily eats it up. She essentially calls off the rest of the competition by declaring "if things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier." Well, if conveniently hiding a relationship with a producer on the top shelf of his consciousness isn't enough to derail the A-train, I think we have our winner. Emily has a surprise for Arie: fireworks. You know what would really be a surprise? No fireworks. She sent a dude home on a one on one date and there were fireworks! Fireworks are not a surprise on this show anymore. You might as well call Chris Harrison saying "fellas, this is the last rose of the night" a surprise.
Emily and John are going on a boat, and Emily basically says "John's going home unless he reveals he's a multi-billionaire that knows one hundred ways to make me call him Big Poppa." This seems more like a blind date than a couple that's one week away from meeting the parents. Prague may be an amazing city, but the group dates so far have consisted of lunch at a run of the mill outdoor cafe and graffiti. Ho hum. The Wolf and Emily then find a place where you attach a padlock to a fence to symbolize your love. Prague needs better ways to publicly express your love. A graffiti wall and locks? Not surprisingly, ABC gives Emily and John a lock that doesn't work. Obvious symbolism for a relationship that's going nowhere. Back at the hotel Chris, aka, Bruce Banner, is still trying not to Hulk out, although instead of a green rage monster I'm starting to think that he's going to turn into a blue crying ninny. Emilyyyyyy....you never gave me as much time as the other guys!!! Do you like them more than meeeeeeee???" I'm fully expecting him to say at some point "Be totally honest with me - and I promise I won't get mad - Do you think Arie is cuter than me?
John and Emily sit down for the serious portion of their date, and John makes the mistake of thinking that being open means telling Emily that you were cheated on in a past relationship. At least it's a mistake to me, but Emily seems to love it. I've never really got the whole "you have to tell me why you are the way you are" portion of this show. What does it matter?
I remember way back, I dated a girl who wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I felt like maybe I could figure out why she was the way she was and then get her to "come out of her shell" so to speak. Well, eventually she told me about her past and then the situation mushroomed into way more than I was expecting and our relationship deteriorated rather quickly after that. Point being, if someone's not exactly what you're looking for, don't waste time trying to figure out why they're not and start looking for someone who is. It's much easier. Especially when you're already dating five other people.
Group date time, and in another obvious moment, the guy who is freaking out the most about going on the group date, finds out he's going on the group date. Sean, decides to run around a city in a foreign country he's never been to at night to find Emily and spend a few moments with her. Incredibly, ABC tries to give us the impression that they let Emily wander the darkened alleys of Prague all by herself. As Sean bounds up the dark alley behind her, I got a very "Jack the Ripper" vibe from the whole scene.
Group date time! Chris is moody, Doug is just bursting with emotions, and Sean is content to live off the dark alley tryst they had the night before and let the other two guys play themselves out of Emily's future. Doug thinks that touring a castle in the Czech Republic is every eleven and a half year old's dream. I think that's probably true as long as the castle has an iPod with Angry Birds or maybe some knights fighting to the death. They have an incredibly awkward conversation where Doug apologizes for accidentally brushing Emily's leg. Is he serious right now? Emily finally has had enough and tries to break up with Doug. He starts to see that he's losing her, so he of course moves in for his first kiss at the most inappropriate time. Emily, somewhat sarcastically, says "thanks for that," and Doug says "Yep." You come with a quick peck on the lips and "yep?" Wow man. On the way home, Doug says that it's hard being "a single dad" and finding the right person. I really hate this guy now. The fact that you have a son has absolutely nothing to do with you going home right now, there's no need to even say that you're a single dad at this point. The only reason you say that is to imply that somehow your son back home that she's never met has hindered your chance with her, which is absolute bullshit and a cop out. Is the point he's trying to make that he'd probably have gotten a rose and found a girl if he didn't have a kid? How freaking selfish can you be? You can't talk about how awesome your kid is and how much he makes your world better when things are going well and then cry and talk about how he's holding you back when things start to go off the rails. What a cop out, and what a cowardly thing to do.
The two remaining guys get keys to try to "unlock" private time with Emily. ABC continues to poke the whiny bear that is Chris by giving him the key that doesn't work. Sean and Emily have the most boring one on one time ever, in which she says "I woke up smiling, thanks for last night" and Sean says "My family will love you" and then they kiss and we're done. Sean offers nothing more than pecs and eyes and lips, but given the competition, that places him in the 95th percentile.
Chris is bound and determined to burn himself to the ground by calling Emily out for not giving him a one on one. In the lamest excuse ever, Emily says "hey a two on one date is the next best thing, right?" Chris, after griping about it incessantly all episode, says "well I'm not going to dwell on it." Clearly. Emily then goes on to say that she only gets one rose and that rose only symbolizes "that she's ready to meet that person's family." Guess who gets the rose? Chris the whiny rage monster is bitter. Emily makes no effort to say "you know, this doesn't mean you're going home, buck up." I don't know exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "pack your bags you mopey loser."
My God, I just realized there's still forty minutes left in this show. I'm tempted to skip this date with Jef. They go to a puppet shoppe. Emily says "it's crazy, but I can see myself with Jef" which really doesn't bode well for his winning the competition. They then go to a library, where they have this exchange:
Jef: Whoa, this is crazy!
Emily: Cool, huh?
Jef: This is ridiculous!
Emily: I know right?
I hate you two.
They then enact a puppet show in the library, and it's so incredibly lame that it's actually kind of sweet. Emily may act like a sweet, Southern Belle or tell everyone that she can take her earrings off and go Hood Rat on someone's ass, but she seems most at ease when she's nerding out with Jef and his knee high blue socks. Jef winning this thing would be more shocking to me than the fact that Tyler Perry has made a fortune dressing like a grandmother named Madea. Because really, why do people like those movies?
Jef feels like he's made it to that place where people are "so excited to see that other person, and so excited to see what's to come." You know what people call that place Jef? They call it "the end of the second date." That's like the first thing that happens in a relationship! It's all downhill from there buddy. (That's a joke, Rachel.) Emily finds out that Jef stopped dating a girl because his parents didn't like her. Emily is freaked out. Remember, Jef isn't that old. He's like 24. This very well could've happend in high school, when you're supposed to listen to your parents.
Lying on the floor of the library/puppet theater, Jef decides to get serious and tackle living together and having kids. Props to Jef, because nobody else is having these conversations with her. Arie and Sean are still in the steamy romance phase, Wolf and Whiny Rage Monster are just trying to keep their head above water, and Jef is starting to actually develop a RELATIONSHIP. Jef then says "I want to marry the f*ck out of you." Sadly, I find myself starting to like this guy. Jef better wear rainbow socks and a speedo to the rose ceremony tonight to remind me that he's a moron.
Jef says that the two guys that should be scared of going home are Chris and Wolf. I guess Doug was able to give the Obvious crown back to Jef before he left. Emily calls Chris Harrison in for a chat and tells him her mind's made up and there will be no rose ceremony tonight. This whole episode has been geared towards driving Chris over the edge, and boy is it working. That guy is a ticking time bomb. Of course, even though Emily has made her mind up, they let the guys sit around for a while so Chris can freak himself out as much as possible. He's now at the point where he feels he needs to do anything possible to show her how much she should keep him, even if that very thing is what will make her more convinced his ass needs to go. This should be good.
Three roses. Jef and Arie get the first two, and guess what? We're down to Wolf and Chris. Who will she choose? Harrison shockingly tells us that this is the final rose of the night. Before Emily can make her decision, Chris goes into his last ditch effort. Arie is shocked that Chris would interrupt a rose ceremony, as if the sacred tradition of Bachelor/ette rose ceremonies is not something to be trifled with. You don't F*CK with TRADITION, Chris!" Chris, tries his hardest to tell Emily how much he loves her and how much he wants to be with her, and in true Bachelor/ette fashion she gives him the rose because everything we've seen all episode has led us to belive he was going home, and I fell for it. I'm an idiot. I pride myself on my knowledge of this show, and I just got led down the primrose path by Chris Harrison and his merry band of puppetteers.
Adios to the Wolf, who really had no chance. His name is Wolf and his occupation is "Data Destruction Specialist." The guy named the Wolf specializes in making information disappear. Sounds like a mafia hitman or something. He says he shared things with her that he doesn't normally share with people....except you know the 10 million people who watch every week.
So Chris, Arie, Jef, and Sean are the final four. Does anyone realistically see Chris making it beyond next week? I don't see it.
Also, the Glass House looks awful.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Men Riding Donkeys
This week they announced the cast for Bachelor Pad 3, and lo and behold, my boy Tony Pieper will be back for another round of showing America how much he loves and misses his son. I guess an optimist would say that he tried to find love with Emily on the Bachelorette but it didn't work out, so he's going to give it one more shot to find a wife who would also be a good mother for his son. A pessimist would say that he overplayed the "I miss my son" card with Emily and she sent him home because of it, so now he's back to try and earn some more TV time with some girls with less reliable moral compasses on the Bachelor Pad. As I'm typing this, I'm actually wondering if maybe ABC asked Tony to really emphasize how much he missed his son to try to make some drama out of nothing on the season, and when it backfired, they apologized by offering him a spot on the Pad. Lord knows that you don't go to the Bachelor Pad looking for a mother for your kid. It's all drunken hookups, backstabbing, and games where you throw eggs at people you think are less attractive. Then again, Lindzi from Ben's season is doing it, and I thought she came through the Bachelor franchises rigmarole with more of her dignity intact than just about anyone ever has. I said this before Tony went on the 'ette and I'll say it again: I hope he gets whatever it is he's hoping to get out of his time on reality TV.
On to Croatia! Emily tells us that Croatia is "really like being in another world" and that it's "like going back in time." These things really confuse me, because how many other worlds has Emily been to? In what movies do you go to another planet and it looks like Eastern Europe? Also, judging from the hotel room the guys are staying in, Croatia is not that far back in time. Like maybe 2009. Has electricity and everything! Also, Ricki has gone back to Carolina with the nanny, making the decision to move the show to Carolina in the first place that much more bizarre, although it'd be kind of cool if they started taking the show on the road and setting up in the hometowns of the bachelor/bachelorette. Just don't pretend to make it about the kid, because this process is clearly not about Ricki.
First date goes to Travis. They walk through old town, and Travis pretends to like the pistachio ice cream Emily gets. Then they try to balance on some stone that apparently will make you lucky in love if you can balance on it topless. Emily says they're not leaving until one of them succeeds, but makes no attempt to take her own shirt off. Neither does Travis, although he does try to balance. Emily pouts to the cameras that she didn't get to see what was under that shirt. Apparently abs are high on Emily's list of requirements in a suitor. Lil' Ricki ain't getting no daddy with a flabby tummy y'all! After some awkward dancing in front of a street musician who looks like he wants nothing more than for the obnoxious Americans to leave, Travis declares the date to be a 10 on a "scale of 8." Who uses an 8 point scale? Rachel says people in Mississippi do because they don't usually deal with numbers as high as ten. She beat me to that joke. I do like Travis though, as he seems to be one of the genuine good guys on this show who isn't really that concerned with his image. The dinner goes smoothly, but there's no passion, and Emily gives him the boot. Nice guys do finish last in North Carolina apparently. Emily says that in a lot of ways this was "so perfect, but in the biggest way it wasn't." I'm still trying to figure out how there's less passion with Travis than their is with Jef the middle school lover, but whatever. Travis cries on his way out, then throws his umbrella away in the rain in mock anger. I'm wondering how many times they shot that before he was able to do it without smiling or laughing and saying "I'm sorry, you guys really want me to throw an umbrella against a wall?" Nobody throws an umbrella. There's no satisfaction in it, especially when it's opened. You can't get any velocity on it as the wind resistance immediately slows it down and makes you look like a sissy. It's like throwing an uncrumpled sheet of paper. When you throw something out of anger, you're trying to inflict damage on either the item you threw, or the item you're throwing at. An opened umbrella won't accomplish any of that. Feel bad for Travis.
Onto the group date. They're watching Brave, which is about a Scottish princess who has to marry one of three guys, but she's a badass who wants to choose her own fate. Emily loves the movie, the guys pretend to love the movie, and now it's time to have the guys compete in their own version of the Highland Games. Of course, they'll be wearing kilts, and it's time for the Americans to bash everything about other cultures! We're wearing skirts! This is worse than wearing the dress in the Shakespeare festival! What a Scottish movie and Croatia have to do with each other I have no clue, but Disney was going to get their movie plugged come hell or high water! Also, they're riding donkeys because that's the traditional mount of Croatian warriors. This makes me wonder how many times Croatia has been conquered over the centuries, because I'll bet it's a lot. An army of donkeys? I hope the march into battle to this song C'mon Croatia, you're better than that. Chris loses the first round by shooting a bow and arrow in the most effeminate way ever. Pretty awesome. Next event is caber toss, and Chris volunteers in an attempt to redeem himself, but fails at that too. Shawn throws the log and it breaks, and apparently this is due to his huge muscles and no the log falling on the ground at an awkward angle. Emily thinks he looked freaking hot and his hotness broke the log or something. Whatever. Next up is something that is essentially one on one tug of war with a stick instead of a rope. Again Chris is up first, and he picks Doug for his opponent, an again he's soundly defeated. All his losing makes an impression on Emily though, and she gives him the Bravery Cup, a ficticious award given to the person who fails the most spectacularly.
The cocktail party goes pretty routinely. Sean says he's having "strong feelings" that he hasn't had in a long time. Arie continues his mission to say whatever he thinks Emily wants or needs to hear regardless of if he means it or not. This time he's apologizing for London, where he didn't stick up for her enough. She brushes it off, saying she held him to a higher standard than the other guys, which I suppose you should do if a guy keeps telling you how special you are and how much he cares about you and all he wants are your kisses and blah blah blah. Actions speak louder than words Arie, remember that. The only action Arie seems to know is tongue action, because they're at it again on a dark street.
Jef, bless his heart, is so totally stoked that he's finaly kissed a girl that he can't wait to do it again. I swear this guy is 14 years old. Emily wants to know what took him so stinking long to make a move. Jef says it's because he was scared of her. I think what he really means is that he was scared of rejection, but whatever. Emily asks him if that's really the reason, or if he was playing some sort of "hard to get" game with her. Jef tells her he thinks she's "freaking awesome." This is not a man capable of playing mind games with a girl. I'm still confused as to how she feels more passion with this dinkus than Travis, but whatever.
Chris uses his one on one time to say the most confusing sentence ever. "If I ever love you, I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I'm in this forever." What the heck does that mean? Does he love her and just can't tell her yet? Is he telling her that he doesn't feel the passion yet, but he sees the potential? I have no clue. Emily apparently understands enough to give him the rose, much to the chagrin of Arie, who pouts that every time he thinks he's getting a rose, he doesn't. Guess you'll have to settle for those kisses instead, Mr. Racecar Driver.
Ryan's one on one date is up next, and he starts off the date by talking about how he's such an optimist and he's always seeing the positive in everything and how Emily's the pearl in this world and all the other guys are about to throw up. Rachel says that Emily seems exhausted before they ever get off the couch . Ryan's talking about how he's a safe driver and "never gets in accidents." This is true of everyone until, of course, they get in their first accident. He's really hamming it up, and Emily seems to love it. She says that they have great chemistry. Translation is that she thinks he's attractive. They go oystering, and then some old Croatian yells at them and shows them a yellowed picture of himself from fifty years ago. Who he was and why he felt compelled to convey his autobiography to these two is beyond me. Ryan repeats the trophy wife comment, and Emily bristles. Ryan then explains that a trophy is something that exemplifies the best things in life and that she is the best things in life. This satisfies Emily enough that she doesn't smack him.
Then it's onto dinner, where Ryan throws more smooth lines that Emily tries to act offended at but smiles so big you know she loves every minute of it. Ryan, he of the eight page note that sunk Tony in week two, pulls out yet another note with twelve qualities he wants in his wife on it: Loyalty, Logic, Encouraging, Faithful, Nurturing, Confident, and Magnetic, Loves to Laugh, assertive, unselfish, sexy personality, and someone who catches his eye, and he says "you see I put that one last, but I also put it in bold." As he's trying to say "it's not that important to me and YET IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME. What an enigma Ryan is!! Emily says that "she feels the need to be perfect around him all the time," to which Ryan responds "that is a great point and very smart of you to bring up." He then drops it and apparently that's the end of the conversation. Does he not value her opinion enough to offer a counterpoint? He then switches the subject to the rose, and Emily tells him she sees a lot in him, but doesn't think that they are looking for the same thing in a relationship and therefore can't give him the rose. Ryan, master manipulator that he is, latches onto the indecision in Emily's voice and body language and attacks her as making a rash decision in not giving him more time. Ryan is showing no intention of leaving the table, and Emily is showing no urgency in excusing him, almost as if she (or ABC) WANTS HIM TO TALK HER OUT OF LETTING HIM GO. What? Contrived drama on a reality show? For shame! Ryan, ever the wordsmith, says "sometimes you make the right decisions and sometimes you make the wrong decisions....time will tell." He's trying to be serious, but it reminded me of Rosie Perez in White Men Can't Jump when she says sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you tie, you really win or lose." Emily channels her innner Disney Princess and takes control of the situation and tells him again that he's not getting the rose. Ryan then says something incredibly logical and thoughtful in that he "hates hearing her say that she doesn't think she makes him happy, because he does enjoy their time together." A very good statement, but then he follows it up by saying "you have to trust yourself, but you're making the wrong decision." Welcome back, arrogant Ryan! We get a shot of the guys high fiving over Ryan's departure, and then back to Ryan, who, as he's getting into the reject taxi, says "when you look at me, you're looking at a winner." Something tells me he'll get over this pretty quickly.
Side note: That's at least the third person that's been sent home on a one on one date. The guys may hate the group dates, but it seems that she's using the one on one dates as a last chance for guys she's thinking about sending home. You're pretty safe if you're on the group date.
Arie apparently bribes the production team into getting extra one on one time and sneaks over to Emily's room to cuddle in bed and kick Ryan while he's down. Much like with Kalon, Arie feels fine talking about what a dick Ryan is after he's gone, but this time Emily seems to appreciate it this time around. How this situation is any different I don't know, but I'd say we already know who this season's winner is.
Emily breaks with Bachelor tradition by saying "I think if I was sending someone home tonight, it'd be John." This probably means that John is going to redeem himself in a big way at this cocktail party, and guess what? He does! He carries his grandparents funeral cards in his wallet, and in the world's largest coincidence ever, his grandpa died 9 years ago today! All of this is very touching to Emily, who knows what it's like to have someone close to her die (just like everyone else in the world too). Now she's conflicted. He loved his grandparents! He's probably good husband material!
Doug, who I see even less passion in than Travis or Jef, gets all uncomfortable and awkward when Emily tells him to touch her. She says that she loves that people call him "Humble Doug," which of course he humbly answers "It's just a name." He then humbly says that he's less sure of his place and may have in fact taken a step back tonight. What a humble guy. He then cries when thinking about his son and America OD's on humble pie.
Emily says that Ryan told her he couldn't believe she was giving up on the chance that something could be there, and that's really stuck with her. So much so that she doesn't want to give up on that chance with the other guys! In a cruel twist of fate, confident Ryan's confident words end up bolstering the chances of the other guys. Emily continues with her strange mixed messages by saying "I'm not 100% sure of what I'm doing, but I'm sending some people home anyways, sorry guys!" Chris, who would've been executed in old time Scotland for being the worst Highlander ever, is safe, and the other roses go to Arie, Shawn and Jef. Emily then gets all conflicted and walks out of the room without a word. She goes and talks to Chris, who tells her she makes the rules. She then hands him the rose and walks back into the room and, in the most nervous way ever says "I can't hand out the final rose." But wait! Here comes Chris with an extra rose! They're both safe! Emily was just faking the nervous tension! What a performance...you don't think she was purposefully playing with their emotions do you? What a great way to find a husband.
Time for scenes from next week, and apparently Arie used to hook up with a producer. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Probably helps you get on the shows if you know someone who works on them. Also, we get our nice little parting scene of the guys trying to ride the donkeys. Rachel says she'd rather watch two hours of them trying to ride a donkey than a regular episode of the bachelorette. Sadly, I agree with her, although you can't really blog about a two hour donkey ride, can you?
On to Croatia! Emily tells us that Croatia is "really like being in another world" and that it's "like going back in time." These things really confuse me, because how many other worlds has Emily been to? In what movies do you go to another planet and it looks like Eastern Europe? Also, judging from the hotel room the guys are staying in, Croatia is not that far back in time. Like maybe 2009. Has electricity and everything! Also, Ricki has gone back to Carolina with the nanny, making the decision to move the show to Carolina in the first place that much more bizarre, although it'd be kind of cool if they started taking the show on the road and setting up in the hometowns of the bachelor/bachelorette. Just don't pretend to make it about the kid, because this process is clearly not about Ricki.
First date goes to Travis. They walk through old town, and Travis pretends to like the pistachio ice cream Emily gets. Then they try to balance on some stone that apparently will make you lucky in love if you can balance on it topless. Emily says they're not leaving until one of them succeeds, but makes no attempt to take her own shirt off. Neither does Travis, although he does try to balance. Emily pouts to the cameras that she didn't get to see what was under that shirt. Apparently abs are high on Emily's list of requirements in a suitor. Lil' Ricki ain't getting no daddy with a flabby tummy y'all! After some awkward dancing in front of a street musician who looks like he wants nothing more than for the obnoxious Americans to leave, Travis declares the date to be a 10 on a "scale of 8." Who uses an 8 point scale? Rachel says people in Mississippi do because they don't usually deal with numbers as high as ten. She beat me to that joke. I do like Travis though, as he seems to be one of the genuine good guys on this show who isn't really that concerned with his image. The dinner goes smoothly, but there's no passion, and Emily gives him the boot. Nice guys do finish last in North Carolina apparently. Emily says that in a lot of ways this was "so perfect, but in the biggest way it wasn't." I'm still trying to figure out how there's less passion with Travis than their is with Jef the middle school lover, but whatever. Travis cries on his way out, then throws his umbrella away in the rain in mock anger. I'm wondering how many times they shot that before he was able to do it without smiling or laughing and saying "I'm sorry, you guys really want me to throw an umbrella against a wall?" Nobody throws an umbrella. There's no satisfaction in it, especially when it's opened. You can't get any velocity on it as the wind resistance immediately slows it down and makes you look like a sissy. It's like throwing an uncrumpled sheet of paper. When you throw something out of anger, you're trying to inflict damage on either the item you threw, or the item you're throwing at. An opened umbrella won't accomplish any of that. Feel bad for Travis.
Onto the group date. They're watching Brave, which is about a Scottish princess who has to marry one of three guys, but she's a badass who wants to choose her own fate. Emily loves the movie, the guys pretend to love the movie, and now it's time to have the guys compete in their own version of the Highland Games. Of course, they'll be wearing kilts, and it's time for the Americans to bash everything about other cultures! We're wearing skirts! This is worse than wearing the dress in the Shakespeare festival! What a Scottish movie and Croatia have to do with each other I have no clue, but Disney was going to get their movie plugged come hell or high water! Also, they're riding donkeys because that's the traditional mount of Croatian warriors. This makes me wonder how many times Croatia has been conquered over the centuries, because I'll bet it's a lot. An army of donkeys? I hope the march into battle to this song C'mon Croatia, you're better than that. Chris loses the first round by shooting a bow and arrow in the most effeminate way ever. Pretty awesome. Next event is caber toss, and Chris volunteers in an attempt to redeem himself, but fails at that too. Shawn throws the log and it breaks, and apparently this is due to his huge muscles and no the log falling on the ground at an awkward angle. Emily thinks he looked freaking hot and his hotness broke the log or something. Whatever. Next up is something that is essentially one on one tug of war with a stick instead of a rope. Again Chris is up first, and he picks Doug for his opponent, an again he's soundly defeated. All his losing makes an impression on Emily though, and she gives him the Bravery Cup, a ficticious award given to the person who fails the most spectacularly.
The cocktail party goes pretty routinely. Sean says he's having "strong feelings" that he hasn't had in a long time. Arie continues his mission to say whatever he thinks Emily wants or needs to hear regardless of if he means it or not. This time he's apologizing for London, where he didn't stick up for her enough. She brushes it off, saying she held him to a higher standard than the other guys, which I suppose you should do if a guy keeps telling you how special you are and how much he cares about you and all he wants are your kisses and blah blah blah. Actions speak louder than words Arie, remember that. The only action Arie seems to know is tongue action, because they're at it again on a dark street.
Jef, bless his heart, is so totally stoked that he's finaly kissed a girl that he can't wait to do it again. I swear this guy is 14 years old. Emily wants to know what took him so stinking long to make a move. Jef says it's because he was scared of her. I think what he really means is that he was scared of rejection, but whatever. Emily asks him if that's really the reason, or if he was playing some sort of "hard to get" game with her. Jef tells her he thinks she's "freaking awesome." This is not a man capable of playing mind games with a girl. I'm still confused as to how she feels more passion with this dinkus than Travis, but whatever.
Chris uses his one on one time to say the most confusing sentence ever. "If I ever love you, I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I'm in this forever." What the heck does that mean? Does he love her and just can't tell her yet? Is he telling her that he doesn't feel the passion yet, but he sees the potential? I have no clue. Emily apparently understands enough to give him the rose, much to the chagrin of Arie, who pouts that every time he thinks he's getting a rose, he doesn't. Guess you'll have to settle for those kisses instead, Mr. Racecar Driver.
Ryan's one on one date is up next, and he starts off the date by talking about how he's such an optimist and he's always seeing the positive in everything and how Emily's the pearl in this world and all the other guys are about to throw up. Rachel says that Emily seems exhausted before they ever get off the couch . Ryan's talking about how he's a safe driver and "never gets in accidents." This is true of everyone until, of course, they get in their first accident. He's really hamming it up, and Emily seems to love it. She says that they have great chemistry. Translation is that she thinks he's attractive. They go oystering, and then some old Croatian yells at them and shows them a yellowed picture of himself from fifty years ago. Who he was and why he felt compelled to convey his autobiography to these two is beyond me. Ryan repeats the trophy wife comment, and Emily bristles. Ryan then explains that a trophy is something that exemplifies the best things in life and that she is the best things in life. This satisfies Emily enough that she doesn't smack him.
Then it's onto dinner, where Ryan throws more smooth lines that Emily tries to act offended at but smiles so big you know she loves every minute of it. Ryan, he of the eight page note that sunk Tony in week two, pulls out yet another note with twelve qualities he wants in his wife on it: Loyalty, Logic, Encouraging, Faithful, Nurturing, Confident, and Magnetic, Loves to Laugh, assertive, unselfish, sexy personality, and someone who catches his eye, and he says "you see I put that one last, but I also put it in bold." As he's trying to say "it's not that important to me and YET IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME. What an enigma Ryan is!! Emily says that "she feels the need to be perfect around him all the time," to which Ryan responds "that is a great point and very smart of you to bring up." He then drops it and apparently that's the end of the conversation. Does he not value her opinion enough to offer a counterpoint? He then switches the subject to the rose, and Emily tells him she sees a lot in him, but doesn't think that they are looking for the same thing in a relationship and therefore can't give him the rose. Ryan, master manipulator that he is, latches onto the indecision in Emily's voice and body language and attacks her as making a rash decision in not giving him more time. Ryan is showing no intention of leaving the table, and Emily is showing no urgency in excusing him, almost as if she (or ABC) WANTS HIM TO TALK HER OUT OF LETTING HIM GO. What? Contrived drama on a reality show? For shame! Ryan, ever the wordsmith, says "sometimes you make the right decisions and sometimes you make the wrong decisions....time will tell." He's trying to be serious, but it reminded me of Rosie Perez in White Men Can't Jump when she says sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you tie, you really win or lose." Emily channels her innner Disney Princess and takes control of the situation and tells him again that he's not getting the rose. Ryan then says something incredibly logical and thoughtful in that he "hates hearing her say that she doesn't think she makes him happy, because he does enjoy their time together." A very good statement, but then he follows it up by saying "you have to trust yourself, but you're making the wrong decision." Welcome back, arrogant Ryan! We get a shot of the guys high fiving over Ryan's departure, and then back to Ryan, who, as he's getting into the reject taxi, says "when you look at me, you're looking at a winner." Something tells me he'll get over this pretty quickly.
Side note: That's at least the third person that's been sent home on a one on one date. The guys may hate the group dates, but it seems that she's using the one on one dates as a last chance for guys she's thinking about sending home. You're pretty safe if you're on the group date.
Arie apparently bribes the production team into getting extra one on one time and sneaks over to Emily's room to cuddle in bed and kick Ryan while he's down. Much like with Kalon, Arie feels fine talking about what a dick Ryan is after he's gone, but this time Emily seems to appreciate it this time around. How this situation is any different I don't know, but I'd say we already know who this season's winner is.
Emily breaks with Bachelor tradition by saying "I think if I was sending someone home tonight, it'd be John." This probably means that John is going to redeem himself in a big way at this cocktail party, and guess what? He does! He carries his grandparents funeral cards in his wallet, and in the world's largest coincidence ever, his grandpa died 9 years ago today! All of this is very touching to Emily, who knows what it's like to have someone close to her die (just like everyone else in the world too). Now she's conflicted. He loved his grandparents! He's probably good husband material!
Doug, who I see even less passion in than Travis or Jef, gets all uncomfortable and awkward when Emily tells him to touch her. She says that she loves that people call him "Humble Doug," which of course he humbly answers "It's just a name." He then humbly says that he's less sure of his place and may have in fact taken a step back tonight. What a humble guy. He then cries when thinking about his son and America OD's on humble pie.
Emily says that Ryan told her he couldn't believe she was giving up on the chance that something could be there, and that's really stuck with her. So much so that she doesn't want to give up on that chance with the other guys! In a cruel twist of fate, confident Ryan's confident words end up bolstering the chances of the other guys. Emily continues with her strange mixed messages by saying "I'm not 100% sure of what I'm doing, but I'm sending some people home anyways, sorry guys!" Chris, who would've been executed in old time Scotland for being the worst Highlander ever, is safe, and the other roses go to Arie, Shawn and Jef. Emily then gets all conflicted and walks out of the room without a word. She goes and talks to Chris, who tells her she makes the rules. She then hands him the rose and walks back into the room and, in the most nervous way ever says "I can't hand out the final rose." But wait! Here comes Chris with an extra rose! They're both safe! Emily was just faking the nervous tension! What a performance...you don't think she was purposefully playing with their emotions do you? What a great way to find a husband.
Time for scenes from next week, and apparently Arie used to hook up with a producer. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Probably helps you get on the shows if you know someone who works on them. Also, we get our nice little parting scene of the guys trying to ride the donkeys. Rachel says she'd rather watch two hours of them trying to ride a donkey than a regular episode of the bachelorette. Sadly, I agree with her, although you can't really blog about a two hour donkey ride, can you?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Snitches get Roses
High five to Jonah and Jocelyn for falling asleep at 7:45, so we can watch the Bachelorette in real time. Maybe I can get to bed before 11 on a Monday night for once! Before we get into this week's episode, let's take a minute to remember what I said about Jef last week: "I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality." Well guess what folks!
I don't want to brag, but I'm a pretty good judge of character. Speaking of Jef, he's worried that Emily is going to have that "click" with Sean on their one on one date. You know, because he absolutely doesn't. Jef is hoping to have some alone time with Emily, presumably so he can awkwardly stare and her and talk to her like he's still the nervous 14 year old in the photograph above. To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, he's "growing older, not up" I guess.
How original! Sean and Emily are taking a double decker bus around the city. Emily is acting as a tour guide, but it's blatantly obvious that she's being fed the information. We've seen this before on seasons, where Ben told us about what year the Mayans built their temples and stuff, but Emily is quoting straight from Wikipedia right now. It's like Sean's a third grader on a field trip. I'm pretty sure that neither of them were entirely sure what anything was.
Back at the ranch, Kalon, Arie and Jef are talking about dating Emily and Jef makes the comment that he's the "group date master." This is true, because I'm sure he's a fun guy to be around, but not alone with. Kalon, ever the observant d-bag, says "well, you know, every date with Emily will be a group date, because Ricki will be coming along too." It's not entirely a false statement, but of course the other guys (and ABC) are looking for any chance to twist some words around. It comes off as "Kalon's bitter and resents Ricki" which may or may not be the case. What's not up for debate is that ABC edited in that awkward laugh Kalon did after saying it from a different part of the conversation to make him look callous. This is how you make someone a villain in the reality TV world.
Back on the date, Emily gets Sean to get up on a box and wax poetic about love in a public park. It goes every bit as horribly as you'd expect a spontaneous speech in front of strangers in a public park to go. He arrogantly says that love, to him, "is a feeling most people can't comprehend." Right....all those billions of people in the history of the world that have gotten married were just posers to the love that Sean's looking for. He wants to give himself over completely to Emily, which is one of those things a vampire would say in a young adult novel. It really has no meaning in the real world.
Emily is apparently fighting a cold, because she sounds like she smoked a whole pack of Lucky Strikes before heading to dinner with Sean at the Tower of London. Emily tries to psyche him out by telling him that King Henry VIII used to behead people in this building, which is about the worst romantic date conversation ever. PEOPLE DIED IN THIS ROOM, SO YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN!! You know, because she's been engaged twice and has a child herself, so that would be just awful of Sean to have that in his past. Sean, ever the cool guy, says "what you see is what you get," and then goes over the top by saying this is the "best day he's ever had, hands down." If this is his best day ever, his life hasn't been that exciting. Hanging out in London with a chick with a cold and eating in a death chamber sounds pretty memorable, but not exactly like a "best day ever." The hyperbole continues with Emily saying she had the "best time ever," and Sean saying that they have the "best view ever." Well these two are either lying to each other, or they're in that fun dating stage where your mind convinces you that things are way, way better than they are. I remember being totally infatuated with a girl who walked dogs at the humane society once a week. At the time, I thought this was the most selfless, amazing, and altruistic act ever. In reality, it's something one does because it looks great on a resume, but I was totally smitten, so I of course gushed over this for a good month.
Group date is Shakespeare time. Emily's voice continues to deteriorate, but Doug the Overly Happy Dad says that Emily is being a "Super Awesome Trooper," which is funny, because I think that's what my son wants to be for Halloween. Kalon gets to play Romeo and of course says "I'm not surprised, I was born to play this role." Arie is proving that race car driving and acting are mutually exclusive talents, and Travis is owning it and doing what everyone should be doing, having a good time. Kalon is making the fateful mistake that the person who performs the best on the group date activity will impress the bachelorette. Being a serious actor will not make you good husband material. Remember when Ben had all the girls play baseball in Puerto Rico? Blakely dominated, but went home like the next week. Nobody cares that you can make a backhanded stab of a groundball in the hole at short. Right on cue, Emily says that Kalon needs to chill out because he's "not on Broadway." EXACTLY. Not to be outdone, Arie is taking it too far in the other direction and getting all mopey that he has to play a woman. It's a play, you're acting, nobody gives a crap. Time to start the play....John says that Emily is the "most beautiful Juliet he's ever seen," which probably means he thinks she's prettier than Claire Danes or that one girl in his sophomore English class that played Juliet in the school play. Doug, who I'm now convinced lives his life by the motto "an empty glass is still full of air" hops on the hyperbole bandwagon and says he's going to play the "best woman anyone's ever seen." Emily says that she "loves seeing all the guys interact with each other." I'm not sure what this means...is she hoping to go on group dates even after selects a "winner?" Kalon goes for super intense Romeo, and Emily is not having it. She rather bluntly says that he was given the most romantic lead and it was the least romantic scene. This is extremely unfair to Kalon, as I'm sure that if Sean or Arie had gone for intense Romeo, she would've eaten it up talking about the passion behind his words or some crap like that. This, coupled with his flippant remark about Ricki earlier probably has earned him a helicopter ride home.
Glass Always Full Doug says "you gotta have fun because she's worth it. I signed on to do this, so I'm going to give it my all." This includes speaking like he just inhaled helium and got kicked in the balls and passionately kissing John the Wolf's cheek. I hate Doug. Arie, for all his bitching and moaning, goes out there and has fun and holy shit does Emily love it. Ryan's built up this kiss in his mind forever, and then goes out like a punk with a dainty kiss...or does he? In a brilliant bit of improvisation, Ryan puts off dying just long enough to go back in for a second kiss. Emily likes it, and all the guys look like someone just got the last cotton candy at the county fair after they waited in line for thirty minutes. Emily calls him a good kisser and calls him the "perfect Romeo." You know, if Romeo were a self-centered former football player. Also, props to the guys for pretending the kiss "didn't count" because it was part of a play. Looked pretty real to Emily and Ryan.
Time for the wrap party. Doug's thanking his lucky stars that he got to experience something new...in this case dressing like an old woman in a play. Cross that one off your bucket list, Dougy Doug! Arie and Ryan at times seem more interested in beating each other rather than winning Emily's hand. Ryan gives us another glimpse into the Gospel of Ryan by telling us that "when a girl says that you're trouble but smiles while saying it, she probably wants to get in trouble." Preach on, Father Ryan! He then pulls out a necklace for her, which of course is her favorite color, which of course Ryan claims he knew. When did he get that? Did he pack it along with him before the trip started? Did he run down to the local shop...er...shoppe during someone else's scene in the Shakespeare Festival? Or did an ABC producer slip it into his hand right before his alone time and say "why don't you give her this...it's her favorite color!" I go with option C. Emily, somewhat cryptically, says "this is a huge surprise - for so many reasons!" Ryan, too busy high fiving himself on the inside, doesn't swallow the verbal lure that Emily just dangled in front of him.
OK, now onto the real drama of the night...someone besmirches the name of "Lil' Ricki." Of course, Kalon's "baggage" comment isn't on film, despite the fact that ABC has cameras on these guys all the time. What I'm getting out of this is that Kalon sees the writing on the wall that he's going home and like a spoiled kid that slowly realizes he's not going to get the new toy he wants, lashes out at the easiest target around. Of course, Doug turns this into an attack on all children, especially his and threatens to "throw Kalon on the ground." Well, that'll certainly make him think about what he's done, Doug. Kalon, to his credit, doesn't try to shy away from what he says, but does say that he wished he'd said "responsibility" instead of "baggage." Not good enough for the nine other guys, who are all out the slay the dragon that has sullied the name of their fair princess Emily. Doug, never missing a chance to prove his moral compass always points North, elects himself to be the bearer of bad news. Emily is so mad she is planning on turning into the Female Redneck Incredible Hulk, or in her words "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods on his ass." I have no clue what this means, although the impression I get of West Virginia is that there aren't many "hoods" for the rats to come out of. Nonetheless, Emily is bound and determined to rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Doug, somehow has made himself Emcee of this show. I actually like him less than Kalon. Kalon, to his credit, tries to own it and explain, but Emily is so angry that she won't even let him speak. Ironic, in that she seemed to despise that quality in Kalon himself. After taking a walk to turn herself back into Bruce Banner, chastises the guys for not telling her sooner. Arie says "I'm so glad you sent him home, because it was eating me up not to tell you that Kalon was a dick." So then why didn't you tell her? Also, by not handing out a rose and basically making the guys feel like they let her down, just ensured that they're going to snitch on each other for EVERYTHING the rest of the season. Awesome.
Back at the hotel, we learn that Ricki thinks a dragon lives at Buckingham Palace, and that Emily calls her Goose. OK then.....
One f Jef gets his date at what might be the most perfect time for him. Of all the guys, he's probably the one that worships Emily the most and is most likely to tell her exactly what she wants/needs to hear without her feeling like he's putting the moves on her. Time for a spot of tea...as Jef gets absolutely upbraided by Jeanne, the domineering tea expert who is going to make sure that they never ever screw up tea time again. Little does Jeanne know that this West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods Girl just wants her PB&J with the crust on, bitch! Jef, true to form, tells Emily exactly what she wants hear, that he called Kalon out when he said the baggage thing. Also, Emily apparently needed to hear that Jef thinks that Ricki is an expensive handbag that he wants to keep forever....cause that's not creepy at all. Jef says he wants to get "above it all" so of course they take a glorified Ferris wheel over London to eat dessert. Emily, not willing to let a bad thing go, spends most of their dessert talking about Kalon and Jef just constantly builds her up, telling her that "it's so cool" that she cusses at mean men. Emily keeps talking about how she "almost" beat the crap out of Kalon, but found a little bit of restraint. She sounds like that annoying little guy that only acts tough when his three friends who play football are around. Emily goes hypothetical on Jef, asking what would happen if she moved to Salt Lake with Ricki. Jef, says that'd be awesome because he could have dance parties with Ricki while Emily goes out. In what world does any of that happen?
Meanwhile, back in Austin, Texas, Brad Womack throws an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at his flat screen and cries himself to sleep. Seriously, did she just propose moving to SLC to live with Jef, after basically saying that moving to Texas was a deal breaker with Brad, a guy she agreed (in principle) to marry? He wears knee high blue socks! And, honey, Texas is a lot more like North Carolina than Utah is (says Andy, the guy who's never been to North Carolina.) Jef, who is still waiting for the PERFECT time to kiss Emily, misses about seventeen almost perfect moments before finally biting the bullet and basically begs her to kiss him. It would've been sweet....if these two were not old enough to vote.
Back at the hotel, Emily turns the cocktail party into the Spanish Inquisition and accuses everyone of letting her down, when Kalon's the only one that really insulted her. Arie tries like hell to get out of the hole Emily has put him in, but the only tool he has is a shovel of a brain. He says some b.s. crap about how he didn't want to ruin his time with her talking about the other guys and that she "clearly had the situation handled." Hilariously, the two guys that are doling out advice on what should've happened are the two guys that have roses. Another point that seems to be lost on Emily is "when were these guys supposed to tell her?" Were they supposed to torpedo their group date by telling her before they went? Or the night before when they are sequestered and forbidden by ABC from talking to her? It seems like it came out at the appropriate time...when the date was over, everyone had had time to talk to her without this cloud hanging over everything, and of course when everyone was sufficiently plied with liquor to muster the courage to discuss such an awkward situation.
At the rose ceremony, Doug gets the first rose, further driving home the "rat out the other guys and you'll be rewarded" theme of the second half of this episode. Other roses are handed out, until Arie and Alejandro are the only two left. Arie might see this as a wake up call that he almost went home, but he should look at this as a positive. Apparently Emily had Arie so built up that it really crushed her that he didn't beat up Kalon so she decided to make him squirm a little bit. Basically he's still a front runner, but he hasn't won the race yet. Arie apparently got the message, because the upcoming scenes show him mustering up the courage to go talk to Emily about Ryan's antics.
God bless this crappy, crappy show.
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| Props to Morgan Nelson for alerting me that I am a genius! |
I don't want to brag, but I'm a pretty good judge of character. Speaking of Jef, he's worried that Emily is going to have that "click" with Sean on their one on one date. You know, because he absolutely doesn't. Jef is hoping to have some alone time with Emily, presumably so he can awkwardly stare and her and talk to her like he's still the nervous 14 year old in the photograph above. To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, he's "growing older, not up" I guess.
How original! Sean and Emily are taking a double decker bus around the city. Emily is acting as a tour guide, but it's blatantly obvious that she's being fed the information. We've seen this before on seasons, where Ben told us about what year the Mayans built their temples and stuff, but Emily is quoting straight from Wikipedia right now. It's like Sean's a third grader on a field trip. I'm pretty sure that neither of them were entirely sure what anything was.
Back at the ranch, Kalon, Arie and Jef are talking about dating Emily and Jef makes the comment that he's the "group date master." This is true, because I'm sure he's a fun guy to be around, but not alone with. Kalon, ever the observant d-bag, says "well, you know, every date with Emily will be a group date, because Ricki will be coming along too." It's not entirely a false statement, but of course the other guys (and ABC) are looking for any chance to twist some words around. It comes off as "Kalon's bitter and resents Ricki" which may or may not be the case. What's not up for debate is that ABC edited in that awkward laugh Kalon did after saying it from a different part of the conversation to make him look callous. This is how you make someone a villain in the reality TV world.
Back on the date, Emily gets Sean to get up on a box and wax poetic about love in a public park. It goes every bit as horribly as you'd expect a spontaneous speech in front of strangers in a public park to go. He arrogantly says that love, to him, "is a feeling most people can't comprehend." Right....all those billions of people in the history of the world that have gotten married were just posers to the love that Sean's looking for. He wants to give himself over completely to Emily, which is one of those things a vampire would say in a young adult novel. It really has no meaning in the real world.
Emily is apparently fighting a cold, because she sounds like she smoked a whole pack of Lucky Strikes before heading to dinner with Sean at the Tower of London. Emily tries to psyche him out by telling him that King Henry VIII used to behead people in this building, which is about the worst romantic date conversation ever. PEOPLE DIED IN THIS ROOM, SO YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN!! You know, because she's been engaged twice and has a child herself, so that would be just awful of Sean to have that in his past. Sean, ever the cool guy, says "what you see is what you get," and then goes over the top by saying this is the "best day he's ever had, hands down." If this is his best day ever, his life hasn't been that exciting. Hanging out in London with a chick with a cold and eating in a death chamber sounds pretty memorable, but not exactly like a "best day ever." The hyperbole continues with Emily saying she had the "best time ever," and Sean saying that they have the "best view ever." Well these two are either lying to each other, or they're in that fun dating stage where your mind convinces you that things are way, way better than they are. I remember being totally infatuated with a girl who walked dogs at the humane society once a week. At the time, I thought this was the most selfless, amazing, and altruistic act ever. In reality, it's something one does because it looks great on a resume, but I was totally smitten, so I of course gushed over this for a good month.
Group date is Shakespeare time. Emily's voice continues to deteriorate, but Doug the Overly Happy Dad says that Emily is being a "Super Awesome Trooper," which is funny, because I think that's what my son wants to be for Halloween. Kalon gets to play Romeo and of course says "I'm not surprised, I was born to play this role." Arie is proving that race car driving and acting are mutually exclusive talents, and Travis is owning it and doing what everyone should be doing, having a good time. Kalon is making the fateful mistake that the person who performs the best on the group date activity will impress the bachelorette. Being a serious actor will not make you good husband material. Remember when Ben had all the girls play baseball in Puerto Rico? Blakely dominated, but went home like the next week. Nobody cares that you can make a backhanded stab of a groundball in the hole at short. Right on cue, Emily says that Kalon needs to chill out because he's "not on Broadway." EXACTLY. Not to be outdone, Arie is taking it too far in the other direction and getting all mopey that he has to play a woman. It's a play, you're acting, nobody gives a crap. Time to start the play....John says that Emily is the "most beautiful Juliet he's ever seen," which probably means he thinks she's prettier than Claire Danes or that one girl in his sophomore English class that played Juliet in the school play. Doug, who I'm now convinced lives his life by the motto "an empty glass is still full of air" hops on the hyperbole bandwagon and says he's going to play the "best woman anyone's ever seen." Emily says that she "loves seeing all the guys interact with each other." I'm not sure what this means...is she hoping to go on group dates even after selects a "winner?" Kalon goes for super intense Romeo, and Emily is not having it. She rather bluntly says that he was given the most romantic lead and it was the least romantic scene. This is extremely unfair to Kalon, as I'm sure that if Sean or Arie had gone for intense Romeo, she would've eaten it up talking about the passion behind his words or some crap like that. This, coupled with his flippant remark about Ricki earlier probably has earned him a helicopter ride home.
Glass Always Full Doug says "you gotta have fun because she's worth it. I signed on to do this, so I'm going to give it my all." This includes speaking like he just inhaled helium and got kicked in the balls and passionately kissing John the Wolf's cheek. I hate Doug. Arie, for all his bitching and moaning, goes out there and has fun and holy shit does Emily love it. Ryan's built up this kiss in his mind forever, and then goes out like a punk with a dainty kiss...or does he? In a brilliant bit of improvisation, Ryan puts off dying just long enough to go back in for a second kiss. Emily likes it, and all the guys look like someone just got the last cotton candy at the county fair after they waited in line for thirty minutes. Emily calls him a good kisser and calls him the "perfect Romeo." You know, if Romeo were a self-centered former football player. Also, props to the guys for pretending the kiss "didn't count" because it was part of a play. Looked pretty real to Emily and Ryan.
Time for the wrap party. Doug's thanking his lucky stars that he got to experience something new...in this case dressing like an old woman in a play. Cross that one off your bucket list, Dougy Doug! Arie and Ryan at times seem more interested in beating each other rather than winning Emily's hand. Ryan gives us another glimpse into the Gospel of Ryan by telling us that "when a girl says that you're trouble but smiles while saying it, she probably wants to get in trouble." Preach on, Father Ryan! He then pulls out a necklace for her, which of course is her favorite color, which of course Ryan claims he knew. When did he get that? Did he pack it along with him before the trip started? Did he run down to the local shop...er...shoppe during someone else's scene in the Shakespeare Festival? Or did an ABC producer slip it into his hand right before his alone time and say "why don't you give her this...it's her favorite color!" I go with option C. Emily, somewhat cryptically, says "this is a huge surprise - for so many reasons!" Ryan, too busy high fiving himself on the inside, doesn't swallow the verbal lure that Emily just dangled in front of him.
OK, now onto the real drama of the night...someone besmirches the name of "Lil' Ricki." Of course, Kalon's "baggage" comment isn't on film, despite the fact that ABC has cameras on these guys all the time. What I'm getting out of this is that Kalon sees the writing on the wall that he's going home and like a spoiled kid that slowly realizes he's not going to get the new toy he wants, lashes out at the easiest target around. Of course, Doug turns this into an attack on all children, especially his and threatens to "throw Kalon on the ground." Well, that'll certainly make him think about what he's done, Doug. Kalon, to his credit, doesn't try to shy away from what he says, but does say that he wished he'd said "responsibility" instead of "baggage." Not good enough for the nine other guys, who are all out the slay the dragon that has sullied the name of their fair princess Emily. Doug, never missing a chance to prove his moral compass always points North, elects himself to be the bearer of bad news. Emily is so mad she is planning on turning into the Female Redneck Incredible Hulk, or in her words "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods on his ass." I have no clue what this means, although the impression I get of West Virginia is that there aren't many "hoods" for the rats to come out of. Nonetheless, Emily is bound and determined to rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Doug, somehow has made himself Emcee of this show. I actually like him less than Kalon. Kalon, to his credit, tries to own it and explain, but Emily is so angry that she won't even let him speak. Ironic, in that she seemed to despise that quality in Kalon himself. After taking a walk to turn herself back into Bruce Banner, chastises the guys for not telling her sooner. Arie says "I'm so glad you sent him home, because it was eating me up not to tell you that Kalon was a dick." So then why didn't you tell her? Also, by not handing out a rose and basically making the guys feel like they let her down, just ensured that they're going to snitch on each other for EVERYTHING the rest of the season. Awesome.
Back at the hotel, we learn that Ricki thinks a dragon lives at Buckingham Palace, and that Emily calls her Goose. OK then.....
One f Jef gets his date at what might be the most perfect time for him. Of all the guys, he's probably the one that worships Emily the most and is most likely to tell her exactly what she wants/needs to hear without her feeling like he's putting the moves on her. Time for a spot of tea...as Jef gets absolutely upbraided by Jeanne, the domineering tea expert who is going to make sure that they never ever screw up tea time again. Little does Jeanne know that this West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods Girl just wants her PB&J with the crust on, bitch! Jef, true to form, tells Emily exactly what she wants hear, that he called Kalon out when he said the baggage thing. Also, Emily apparently needed to hear that Jef thinks that Ricki is an expensive handbag that he wants to keep forever....cause that's not creepy at all. Jef says he wants to get "above it all" so of course they take a glorified Ferris wheel over London to eat dessert. Emily, not willing to let a bad thing go, spends most of their dessert talking about Kalon and Jef just constantly builds her up, telling her that "it's so cool" that she cusses at mean men. Emily keeps talking about how she "almost" beat the crap out of Kalon, but found a little bit of restraint. She sounds like that annoying little guy that only acts tough when his three friends who play football are around. Emily goes hypothetical on Jef, asking what would happen if she moved to Salt Lake with Ricki. Jef, says that'd be awesome because he could have dance parties with Ricki while Emily goes out. In what world does any of that happen?
Meanwhile, back in Austin, Texas, Brad Womack throws an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at his flat screen and cries himself to sleep. Seriously, did she just propose moving to SLC to live with Jef, after basically saying that moving to Texas was a deal breaker with Brad, a guy she agreed (in principle) to marry? He wears knee high blue socks! And, honey, Texas is a lot more like North Carolina than Utah is (says Andy, the guy who's never been to North Carolina.) Jef, who is still waiting for the PERFECT time to kiss Emily, misses about seventeen almost perfect moments before finally biting the bullet and basically begs her to kiss him. It would've been sweet....if these two were not old enough to vote.
Back at the hotel, Emily turns the cocktail party into the Spanish Inquisition and accuses everyone of letting her down, when Kalon's the only one that really insulted her. Arie tries like hell to get out of the hole Emily has put him in, but the only tool he has is a shovel of a brain. He says some b.s. crap about how he didn't want to ruin his time with her talking about the other guys and that she "clearly had the situation handled." Hilariously, the two guys that are doling out advice on what should've happened are the two guys that have roses. Another point that seems to be lost on Emily is "when were these guys supposed to tell her?" Were they supposed to torpedo their group date by telling her before they went? Or the night before when they are sequestered and forbidden by ABC from talking to her? It seems like it came out at the appropriate time...when the date was over, everyone had had time to talk to her without this cloud hanging over everything, and of course when everyone was sufficiently plied with liquor to muster the courage to discuss such an awkward situation.
At the rose ceremony, Doug gets the first rose, further driving home the "rat out the other guys and you'll be rewarded" theme of the second half of this episode. Other roses are handed out, until Arie and Alejandro are the only two left. Arie might see this as a wake up call that he almost went home, but he should look at this as a positive. Apparently Emily had Arie so built up that it really crushed her that he didn't beat up Kalon so she decided to make him squirm a little bit. Basically he's still a front runner, but he hasn't won the race yet. Arie apparently got the message, because the upcoming scenes show him mustering up the courage to go talk to Emily about Ryan's antics.
God bless this crappy, crappy show.
Monday, June 4, 2012
So I Took a One Year Hiatus...
OK, maybe it was only a week, but it gave me a chance to look up one of my favorite Sir Mix-a-Lot songs "The Boss is Back". If you're upset about the lost week of Bachelorette blogging (and I got at least one text message to that effect), please contact Grant and Bryony Lasselle, as their wedding weekend left me far too exhausted to watch and blog at the same time on Memorial Day.
Now, onto the week. We've got a two on one date, or as I like to call them "a chance for two guys to talk crap about each other behind each other's backs as much as possible." Guess what? It's time to pack everyone's bags, because we're leaving Charlotte! Ol' Chris Harrison hasn't even got the words out of his mouth before the fame-hungry men breathlessly ask "where we goin?" You'd think they were sick of Charlotte or something. Good thing if they get married, they'll be living somewhere else, right? Oh wait......
Off to the Bahamas! Doug gets the first date, then explains to the guys that "he put his whole life on hold" as if the other guys hadn't. The other guys are giving him a little bit of a bad time....especially Arie. Doug has been playing the good parent the entire time, so naturally he goes into a string of profanities that would make the house guests of Jersey Shore blush. The other guys pick up on the fact that he's a bit on edge, so they do what any group of guys would do in that situation: They start busting his balls. Doug does nothing to help himself out, by trying to be serious when everyone else is having a good time. I used to try the "guys I'm being serious" tactic when I was younger, and my brother and friends turned it into a game they called "Andy Ego Day" in which they put an arbitrary point system in place based on the reaction I gave. I'm not sure what a "c'mon bro" would've scored, but Arie got quite a few of those from ol' Dougy.
On the date, Doug morphs back into "aw shucks" dad and tells Emily he became who he is today by "being a dad." He then proceeds to say that he started his own charity, which I'll admit is fairly impressive. He then borrows a line from the title of a popular documentary and says "Superman wasn't showing up." I can't decide if this is a corny way of working the fact that he watches documentaries into his conversation, or if it's just a douche move and he was trying to pass it off as his own line. Either way I wasn't impressed. Emily then says she'd like to send Doug's son a postcard. Doug gets all excited, and says "what kid wouldn't want a postcard from his dad?" You know who wouldn't like a postcard from their dad? A kid who's with their parent so there's no need to send a postcard! Also, I don't know a kid who wants a postcard from his dad and the girl he's in the Bahamas with that they've never met. Doug left that part out.
Emily tries to grill Doug on his faults at dinner, and Doug goes Captain America and says his biggest fault is that he's too good of a dad and that he didn't wash his ex-girlfriend's car enough. Emily claims that she knows that Doug isn't so happy all the time, and there has to be more to him than being "Austin's dad." I thought this was a very astute observation of Emily's, but when she asks again, Doug goes "well, what are your faults?" I'm not claiming to be a love doctor or anything, but even I know that it's a bad idea to ask a women to list the things she doesn't like about herself without offering up anything of substance about yourself.
Doug then explains that he's not going to kiss Emily because his grandpappy told him that a girl will let him know when she wants to be kissed. He then goes third person and says "Emily will let Doug know when she wants a kiss from Doug." Again, I'm no expert, but if you've got limited time with a girl, there's umpteen other guys vying for her affection, then you might as well give kissing a shot. I mean, if you want to marry this girl, you probably need to know if you have sexual chemistry, right? This is another beef of mine with this show...the guys seem to acknowledge the fact that this courtship is on an accelerated time frame, yet handle it in the wrong ways. This leads to some awkward staring at each other and the ultimate sign of a mediocre date when dinner ends with a "well, should we go?" Oof. Doug's stock tanked more than Facebook's in our house tonight.
Group date time. I always love the group dates where the girl sits off to the side while the guys compete in some asinine "challenge" to get to drink too many cocktails in Emily's presence and say a bunch of stuff they'll regret when they see it on TV once it airs. In this case, the "date" is the dudes splitting into two teams and having a boat race. Yellow team wins. The red team is crushed. Charlie is so upset at the fact that he lost a boat race that he starts crying and says he's "so embarrassed." Apparently Massive Head Wound Charlie doesn't need the cocktails to say things he'll regret.
At the cocktail party, Ryan toasts to his "trophy wife" Emily. The cocktails are flowing freely tonight, boys and girls! Arie does the smart thing and takes Emily off away from everyone else for some alone time. Then he does what Doug should've done and kisses her. Emily tells him to "be patient," which makes me think he'll be around for a while. Well, that and the fact that he's the only guy who doesn't piss me off right now.
Next up for sloppy seconds with Emily and her community blanket is Jef, who says things like "you're totally cool, and like the I just get so pumped up to be around you, because, like, you're really super fun, and gosh, you're awesome." I have no clue what Emily sees in him. Of course, Jef doesn't capitalize on this and goes for the Doug option of wrapping up a date by saying "well, should we get going?" Oof.
Next up is uber-bro Ryan, who has set a record for going from Andy's favorite, to Andy's mortal enemy in about two and a half episodes. He actually opens up his conversation by saying "there's a lot of depth to this...to me." Yeesh. Emily then gets in her required "Extreme Southern Accent Rant" and Ryan, who, exudes confidence 24/7, then gets all shaky and basically says "how could you kiss Arie in front of me? I thought you were into me?" I get the feeling Ryan's looks have muted the words coming out of his mouth with the ladies for many, many years. I hate this guy.
You know who Emily doesn't hate? Jef. I'm done trying to figure out Emily. She gave Jef, the lost puppy that just wants his belly rubbed and to be told that he's a good boy, the rose. If she's looking looking for a man to take a little control in her house and take all the parenting duties off her shoulders as she claims she is, then she's barking up the wrong tree with Jef.
Now we get our required reminder that Emily is a mom as we see Ricki and her lounging by the pool. I'm still confused as to why it's ok for Ricki to fly all over the country with her mommy, but she couldn't fly out to LA for the first few weeks of the show. But whatever.
Back at the house, the guys are trying to figure out if John or Nate are coming back. The consensus seems to be that John the Wolf is coming back because he's older. Young guy Chris takes offense to this, probably because he saw the disappointment on Emily's face when he told her he was 25 last week. I'm guessing that Doug's "I'm the mature, responsible dad" schtick is starting to wear thin on the guys. I mean, I only see him two hours a week and the guy is killing me. They are with him 24/7!
Anyone else wonder who Ricki is hanging out with while Emily is on these dates? Did Grandmama Maynard come along, and they're just not telling us about it, or is Emily leaving her with like an ABC production assistant? Rachel says it's Grandmama. I'll give Emily the benefit of the doubt and say that Grandma's on Ricki duty, but I wouldn't be shocked if they stuck some intern from Syracuse on babysitting duty for nothing more than a few credits. Then again, if you're an intern and you're flown to the Bahamas, wouldn't you watch a kid for a few hours and not complain?
On the date, Nate turns into a huge mess. First he butchers the pronunciation of "quinoa" at dinner and then talks about how amazing his family is. More amazing than his family though, are his friends. They're apparently so amazing that he starts crying just talking about them. John wins this date by default just by not crying. Emily then sends Nate home to his amazing friends who will hug him and tell him that Emily just didn't get to know the "real Nate." They'll also probably compliment him on his pink v-neck shirt/beige jacket combo as well. Back to your little cocoon of trust, Nate.
Back on Mommy duty, Emily grills Ricki on her homework. Emily is excelling, and it's all thanks to the foreign tutor! Looks like Rachel and I were both wrong....it wasn't grandma, it wasn't a PA, it was the hired nanny/tutor! Atta way Emily!
Alejandro the mushroom farmer gets first crack at Emily before the rose ceremony and promises to let her into the passion in his life if she keeps him around. Emily fills him with a bunch of empty platitudes that leave him probably thinking he's getting a rose, but more likely he's heading home. Jef, meanwhile, continues to piss me off by wearing shorts and knee-high blue socks. He just can't wear pants and shoes like a normal person...no, he has to prove how unique and quirky he is by rocking knee high blue socks at a cocktail party. He just wants people to acknowledge his quirkiness. Go throw your skateboard into the bushes off my tv, Jef. I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality. Ugh.
Ryan continues his campaign to prove how awesome he is by talking about how God blessed him as "romantic, athletic, and charming." Arie tries to interrupt Ryan's one-on-one time, but gets there a little too late (or was held up by ABC) as their conversation is pretty much wrapped up by the time he gets in there. He tries to needle Ryan by sarcastically asking if he minds if he butts in, but Ryan shrugs it off and starts monologuing about how the other guys know he's a threat and feel the need to try and knock him off his pedestal.
Shawn uses his good looks and questions about her daughter to establish he's not on the chopping block tonight and get a little tounge action. That's pretty much all I have to say about Shawn tonight.
Doug, again playing the mature, responsible dad card, tells Ryan that he "doesn't need to kiss Emily" to know where he stands with her, but knows other guys are doing that. It's funny that these two guys are using two completely different strategies to both prove that they're superior to the other guys.
Chris calls Doug out. This is like a scene out of a Rocky V where Tommy Gunn feels the need to challenge Rocky because he thinks Rocky is standing in his way of greatness despite the fact that he's done nothing but help poor Tommy. And much like Tommy Gunn, Chris can't see through his own hubris until he's gotten his ass handed to him by Doug, who barely had to say anything to win that battle. Chris basically punched himself out on that one. It was super entertaining to watch though, so thanks for that Chris.
Time for a deliberation....Chris questions her relationship with Jef, and she keeps saying that she hopes there's romance there. However, when Chris brings up Arie, she starts blushing and smiling ear to ear. Can we just end the contest now? I like that Emily says that she knows that Ryan's playing her. You'd think that this would mean that Ryan's going home, but I'm guessing that she keeps him around for TV's sake before cutting him loose later on. My guess for tonight's elimination is Alejandro. Rachel's is Long Haired Michael. Her choice is better than mine. In fairness, I completely forgot about Long Hair, so it's like he's already off the show anyways.
Apparently two bachelors are going home tonight! Rachel and I could both be right, but Massive Head Wound Charlie would be another good elimination. Alejandro gets the rose, so he will get to talk about how passionate he is about mushrooms next week. Charlie looks like he's having trouble processing this information. Michael gets teary eyed and says he's never been in love, but that's it. Charlie is disappointed that he doesn't get to continue on this "beautiful journey." I have a feeling that the beautiful journey has more to do with the Bahamas and less to do with his relationship with Emily.
Well that was a pretty entertaining episode....my faith in the Bachelorette has been renewed! Tune in next week when good mom Emily tells someone to "get the f*ck out!"
Now, onto the week. We've got a two on one date, or as I like to call them "a chance for two guys to talk crap about each other behind each other's backs as much as possible." Guess what? It's time to pack everyone's bags, because we're leaving Charlotte! Ol' Chris Harrison hasn't even got the words out of his mouth before the fame-hungry men breathlessly ask "where we goin?" You'd think they were sick of Charlotte or something. Good thing if they get married, they'll be living somewhere else, right? Oh wait......
Off to the Bahamas! Doug gets the first date, then explains to the guys that "he put his whole life on hold" as if the other guys hadn't. The other guys are giving him a little bit of a bad time....especially Arie. Doug has been playing the good parent the entire time, so naturally he goes into a string of profanities that would make the house guests of Jersey Shore blush. The other guys pick up on the fact that he's a bit on edge, so they do what any group of guys would do in that situation: They start busting his balls. Doug does nothing to help himself out, by trying to be serious when everyone else is having a good time. I used to try the "guys I'm being serious" tactic when I was younger, and my brother and friends turned it into a game they called "Andy Ego Day" in which they put an arbitrary point system in place based on the reaction I gave. I'm not sure what a "c'mon bro" would've scored, but Arie got quite a few of those from ol' Dougy.
On the date, Doug morphs back into "aw shucks" dad and tells Emily he became who he is today by "being a dad." He then proceeds to say that he started his own charity, which I'll admit is fairly impressive. He then borrows a line from the title of a popular documentary and says "Superman wasn't showing up." I can't decide if this is a corny way of working the fact that he watches documentaries into his conversation, or if it's just a douche move and he was trying to pass it off as his own line. Either way I wasn't impressed. Emily then says she'd like to send Doug's son a postcard. Doug gets all excited, and says "what kid wouldn't want a postcard from his dad?" You know who wouldn't like a postcard from their dad? A kid who's with their parent so there's no need to send a postcard! Also, I don't know a kid who wants a postcard from his dad and the girl he's in the Bahamas with that they've never met. Doug left that part out.
Emily tries to grill Doug on his faults at dinner, and Doug goes Captain America and says his biggest fault is that he's too good of a dad and that he didn't wash his ex-girlfriend's car enough. Emily claims that she knows that Doug isn't so happy all the time, and there has to be more to him than being "Austin's dad." I thought this was a very astute observation of Emily's, but when she asks again, Doug goes "well, what are your faults?" I'm not claiming to be a love doctor or anything, but even I know that it's a bad idea to ask a women to list the things she doesn't like about herself without offering up anything of substance about yourself.
Doug then explains that he's not going to kiss Emily because his grandpappy told him that a girl will let him know when she wants to be kissed. He then goes third person and says "Emily will let Doug know when she wants a kiss from Doug." Again, I'm no expert, but if you've got limited time with a girl, there's umpteen other guys vying for her affection, then you might as well give kissing a shot. I mean, if you want to marry this girl, you probably need to know if you have sexual chemistry, right? This is another beef of mine with this show...the guys seem to acknowledge the fact that this courtship is on an accelerated time frame, yet handle it in the wrong ways. This leads to some awkward staring at each other and the ultimate sign of a mediocre date when dinner ends with a "well, should we go?" Oof. Doug's stock tanked more than Facebook's in our house tonight.
Group date time. I always love the group dates where the girl sits off to the side while the guys compete in some asinine "challenge" to get to drink too many cocktails in Emily's presence and say a bunch of stuff they'll regret when they see it on TV once it airs. In this case, the "date" is the dudes splitting into two teams and having a boat race. Yellow team wins. The red team is crushed. Charlie is so upset at the fact that he lost a boat race that he starts crying and says he's "so embarrassed." Apparently Massive Head Wound Charlie doesn't need the cocktails to say things he'll regret.
At the cocktail party, Ryan toasts to his "trophy wife" Emily. The cocktails are flowing freely tonight, boys and girls! Arie does the smart thing and takes Emily off away from everyone else for some alone time. Then he does what Doug should've done and kisses her. Emily tells him to "be patient," which makes me think he'll be around for a while. Well, that and the fact that he's the only guy who doesn't piss me off right now.
Next up for sloppy seconds with Emily and her community blanket is Jef, who says things like "you're totally cool, and like the I just get so pumped up to be around you, because, like, you're really super fun, and gosh, you're awesome." I have no clue what Emily sees in him. Of course, Jef doesn't capitalize on this and goes for the Doug option of wrapping up a date by saying "well, should we get going?" Oof.
Next up is uber-bro Ryan, who has set a record for going from Andy's favorite, to Andy's mortal enemy in about two and a half episodes. He actually opens up his conversation by saying "there's a lot of depth to this...to me." Yeesh. Emily then gets in her required "Extreme Southern Accent Rant" and Ryan, who, exudes confidence 24/7, then gets all shaky and basically says "how could you kiss Arie in front of me? I thought you were into me?" I get the feeling Ryan's looks have muted the words coming out of his mouth with the ladies for many, many years. I hate this guy.
You know who Emily doesn't hate? Jef. I'm done trying to figure out Emily. She gave Jef, the lost puppy that just wants his belly rubbed and to be told that he's a good boy, the rose. If she's looking looking for a man to take a little control in her house and take all the parenting duties off her shoulders as she claims she is, then she's barking up the wrong tree with Jef.
Now we get our required reminder that Emily is a mom as we see Ricki and her lounging by the pool. I'm still confused as to why it's ok for Ricki to fly all over the country with her mommy, but she couldn't fly out to LA for the first few weeks of the show. But whatever.
Back at the house, the guys are trying to figure out if John or Nate are coming back. The consensus seems to be that John the Wolf is coming back because he's older. Young guy Chris takes offense to this, probably because he saw the disappointment on Emily's face when he told her he was 25 last week. I'm guessing that Doug's "I'm the mature, responsible dad" schtick is starting to wear thin on the guys. I mean, I only see him two hours a week and the guy is killing me. They are with him 24/7!
Anyone else wonder who Ricki is hanging out with while Emily is on these dates? Did Grandmama Maynard come along, and they're just not telling us about it, or is Emily leaving her with like an ABC production assistant? Rachel says it's Grandmama. I'll give Emily the benefit of the doubt and say that Grandma's on Ricki duty, but I wouldn't be shocked if they stuck some intern from Syracuse on babysitting duty for nothing more than a few credits. Then again, if you're an intern and you're flown to the Bahamas, wouldn't you watch a kid for a few hours and not complain?
On the date, Nate turns into a huge mess. First he butchers the pronunciation of "quinoa" at dinner and then talks about how amazing his family is. More amazing than his family though, are his friends. They're apparently so amazing that he starts crying just talking about them. John wins this date by default just by not crying. Emily then sends Nate home to his amazing friends who will hug him and tell him that Emily just didn't get to know the "real Nate." They'll also probably compliment him on his pink v-neck shirt/beige jacket combo as well. Back to your little cocoon of trust, Nate.
Back on Mommy duty, Emily grills Ricki on her homework. Emily is excelling, and it's all thanks to the foreign tutor! Looks like Rachel and I were both wrong....it wasn't grandma, it wasn't a PA, it was the hired nanny/tutor! Atta way Emily!
Alejandro the mushroom farmer gets first crack at Emily before the rose ceremony and promises to let her into the passion in his life if she keeps him around. Emily fills him with a bunch of empty platitudes that leave him probably thinking he's getting a rose, but more likely he's heading home. Jef, meanwhile, continues to piss me off by wearing shorts and knee-high blue socks. He just can't wear pants and shoes like a normal person...no, he has to prove how unique and quirky he is by rocking knee high blue socks at a cocktail party. He just wants people to acknowledge his quirkiness. Go throw your skateboard into the bushes off my tv, Jef. I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality. Ugh.
Ryan continues his campaign to prove how awesome he is by talking about how God blessed him as "romantic, athletic, and charming." Arie tries to interrupt Ryan's one-on-one time, but gets there a little too late (or was held up by ABC) as their conversation is pretty much wrapped up by the time he gets in there. He tries to needle Ryan by sarcastically asking if he minds if he butts in, but Ryan shrugs it off and starts monologuing about how the other guys know he's a threat and feel the need to try and knock him off his pedestal.
Shawn uses his good looks and questions about her daughter to establish he's not on the chopping block tonight and get a little tounge action. That's pretty much all I have to say about Shawn tonight.
Doug, again playing the mature, responsible dad card, tells Ryan that he "doesn't need to kiss Emily" to know where he stands with her, but knows other guys are doing that. It's funny that these two guys are using two completely different strategies to both prove that they're superior to the other guys.
Chris calls Doug out. This is like a scene out of a Rocky V where Tommy Gunn feels the need to challenge Rocky because he thinks Rocky is standing in his way of greatness despite the fact that he's done nothing but help poor Tommy. And much like Tommy Gunn, Chris can't see through his own hubris until he's gotten his ass handed to him by Doug, who barely had to say anything to win that battle. Chris basically punched himself out on that one. It was super entertaining to watch though, so thanks for that Chris.
Time for a deliberation....Chris questions her relationship with Jef, and she keeps saying that she hopes there's romance there. However, when Chris brings up Arie, she starts blushing and smiling ear to ear. Can we just end the contest now? I like that Emily says that she knows that Ryan's playing her. You'd think that this would mean that Ryan's going home, but I'm guessing that she keeps him around for TV's sake before cutting him loose later on. My guess for tonight's elimination is Alejandro. Rachel's is Long Haired Michael. Her choice is better than mine. In fairness, I completely forgot about Long Hair, so it's like he's already off the show anyways.
Apparently two bachelors are going home tonight! Rachel and I could both be right, but Massive Head Wound Charlie would be another good elimination. Alejandro gets the rose, so he will get to talk about how passionate he is about mushrooms next week. Charlie looks like he's having trouble processing this information. Michael gets teary eyed and says he's never been in love, but that's it. Charlie is disappointed that he doesn't get to continue on this "beautiful journey." I have a feeling that the beautiful journey has more to do with the Bahamas and less to do with his relationship with Emily.
Well that was a pretty entertaining episode....my faith in the Bachelorette has been renewed! Tune in next week when good mom Emily tells someone to "get the f*ck out!"
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