Bachelorette Week 3 pt.1

Poor Bachelorette.  It keeps getting pushed further and further down my priorities list, falling behind NCAA baseball this week.  I'm not particularly interested in Andi or any of these guys really, so this is going to be struggle the rest of the season.  On deck tonight:  Our requisite extreme sports date, Boyz II Men, and old people makeup.

LA dates are over, but Andi is super excited to be going to Santa Barbara.  Budget must be getting lower....a whopping trip of 100 miles.  Andi gets to stay all week, but the guys are bussing it up there?  C'mon ABC.  Ten million viewers and you can't splurge a little? 

Up first is Nick V.  They go for a bike ride, and play in the sand, but almost all of the conversation is voiceover work.  Not much of them talking to each other.  Apparently I'm not the only person picking up on this, because back at the house F1 bro Andrew is breaking down Nick's chances with Marcus.  The chances he comes home are "50/50" according to them, and he's not "committed to the process."  This is just a strange date with lots of small talk.  Finally, they have a substantive conversation about - what else - the process.  Nick deploys the standard "I just don't know where I stand" conversation, or the conversational version of George Strait's "Check Yes or No."  Hilariously, as Nick starts talking about how he'd love to exit this date feeling like Andi could be the one, we get a shot of them hugging on a mountain and Andi saying "we could just be silent up here."  In other words "don't talk dude, you'll ruin it."  What a boring first segment.  Nick, America wants to send you home.

Time for a romantic dinner at...a courthouse?  Really?  What is it with ABC and courthouses?  Nothing screams romance like a courthouse.  Everyone knows the most romantic weddings happen at courthouses, so why not dinners too?  Andi is done messing around - she gives Nick the "why are you single?" question, which always strikes me as funny.  Why is Andi single?  Is she trying to say that Nick is out of her league?  No, this is the ABC way of getting to the tragic backstory of how Nick broke up with his last girlfriend.  Synopsis:  He dated his high school girlfriend off and on for eight years, met someone else, got engaged to her way too fast because she was new, and they broke it off before tying the knot.  Sounds pretty standard.  Andi is impressed that he "talks about it" and is "more open."  Again, this is not something that anyone should feel the need to keep secret.  Nick's idea of a romantic relationship is "we could be dating other people, but we don't want to."  Because nothing says romance like "Bitch don't step out of line, because I could find another you in a second."  I kind of get what he's saying - I think I've brought up my "relationships are like steak dinners" correlation before:  If you go to a restaurant that serves a good steak that you really like, it doesn't mean that there's not another restaurant anywhere that wouldn't serve a steak that you like just as much, or maybe even better.  You just keep going to the same restaurant because it is delicious and makes you feel good and why risk eating a crappy steak somewhere else hoping to recreate what you already have?  COMMIT TO THE STEAK.  You'll be happier. 

Anyways, Nick gets a rose.

Time for the group date - and the guys freak out at the sight of the limo's in the driveway.  Riding in a limo was cool when I was in seventh grade.  I'm not sure it has the same effect in your thirties.  Andi is super excited to throw a curveball at the guys...with Boyz II Men singing.  At least the three remaining members.  Apparently one dude left due to back problems and became a terrible actor.  He was set to rejoin the group in 2011 for a reunion album/tour, but talks broke down like his back, and that's that.  People who were once a part of a group that left the group willingly and went on to better things:  Justin Timberlake.  That's it.  You can say Lennon or McCartney, but really were they bigger as a solo act than they were as Beatles?  No.  Today's lesson is apparently "DON'T MESS WITH A GOOD THING.

Eric, who has a look on his face that looks like he may not fully know who Boyz II Men is,  nonetheless says "I think I touched my first butt to I'll Make Love to You" in seventh grade.  Yay Eric!  Bradley has the look of "I'm going to try WAY TOO HARD to win this rose today.  The guys are terrible singers.  Not so shocking.  Singing is hard.  There's a reason we all have the music up so loud in the car when we sing along with the iPod...it's because we all don't want to hear our own voices.  These dates are all about having fun and not caring that you look stupid, because no matter what you do, you're going to look stupid.  Speaking of looking stupid, Bradley's doing the thing where he holds his hand over his ear to really "hear" himself sing.  Maybe this is a thing singers do that actually helps, but it just looks like you're trying to hold in an imaginary earpiece.  I always assumed that's what it was, and anyways I think it looks stupid when Mariah Carey does it, so when everyone else is present in the room and Bradley's off in a corner singing to himself, it looks extra dumb.

Surprise, they're singing at an actual concert!  I love that they're wearing Boyz II Men style outfits from 1994.  Not even Boyz II Men is wearing those.  Also, why is the crowd more interested in getting video on their phones of the bachelors than the actual singers?  Ridiculous.  Bradley is working it....Eric actually does a decent job (he's good at EVERYTHING!!!)  Other highlights include the Formula One Bros bro hugging while singing, and Andi saying "these guys are butchering the song but they think they are doing such a good job."   Literally, nobody could think they were doing a good job.  Holy hell that was terrible, but probably a lot of fun.  I've done karaoke exactly three times in my life - I sang "Bust a Move" at my high school graduation all night party, I sang "Highwaymen" with my buddy Dave at this dive bar in Brookings, Oregon, and I sang "I Want it That Way" at our wedding reception in Wisconsin with my brother.  Nobody ever clapped for me.  Even at my own wedding.  I'm that awful.  I doubt I'll ever do it again.  The one exception would be if my kids start getting a little too full of themselves and I see a good opportunity to embarrass the hell out of them. 

Time for the post group date pool party....only it looks pretty cold, judging from Bradley's Brokeback Mountain style sheep's wool jacket.   Andi decides she wants to mess with Cody by saying "some of the guys say he's got a girlfriend......and she's a STRIPPERRRRRRRRRR!"  What a terrible prank.  Her sense of comedic timing is terrible.  She didn't let him twist nearly long enough.  There needed to be a lot more of him stuttering and getting angry and whatnot.  Instead all we got is Cody going "errrrrr......"  Wheels turn slow in that meathead's brain. 

Awkward moment of the night:

Marquel:  What's your favorite color?
Andi:  Is black a color?
Marquel:  Duly noted!

Meanwhile the other guys are going way off the deep end now - lots of "she's flawless" and "you're the first girl in forever that I've been excited to see."  This is in stark contrast to Single Andy Lasselle, who was excited to see EVERY GIRL.  Josh gets a kiss, and grunts like he's lifting a refrigerator every time he comes up for air.  It must work though, because he gets the rose.  Marcus, who also got a kiss, is not happy at all.  But he's not jealous, cause you know "what we have together is so much more than anything she has with the other guys."  There's a whole lot of insecurity wrapped in that bravado, Marcus.

JJ's up next, and their date consists of dressing up like old people.  Kind of odd that they're spending the first however many hours of their date are spent not seeing each other, but it probably forces them to actually talk to each other.  Once dressed up, they head off to the park to "fool some people."  I'm not sure how they're fooling people....their idea of how old people talk is awful.  Apparently Andi is one breath away from dying and JJ just got punched in the nuts. 

Meanwhile, back at the house....Smooth Ron drama!  He's on a cell phone angrily shooing away the cameras, who respectfully keep filming him from further away.  Classy, ABC.  Given that Smooth Ron hasn't shown us much smoothness since his initial conversation with Andi, my theory is that Ron just isn't feeling Andi and wants off the show.  However, since they're pushing this "Andi is the perfect woman that everyone wants" angle, they need to manufacture some drama to get him off the show. 

JJ and Andi spend the rest of the day treating their date like an episode of Jackass, doing young people things while they look like old people.  They're playing football!  They're doing pushups!  They're swinging on a tire swing! 

Ron's far too smooth to risk not getting the girl on national TV, so they employ the "my friend died" excuse.  I love that the guys feel bad for Ron because they know he wants to be there.  Nevermind the dead close friend, such a bummer that you had to leave the Bachelorette!!  The whole thing seems weird....if he really wanted to be there, he couldn't have at least told Andi goodbye?  I'm not buying the story here.

Dylan needs to tell Andi his story.  But first he's going to tell the guys and all of us:  His sister OD'd on drugs, then his brother got more into drugs as a result of this and OD'd himself.  Very sad.  Doesn't make you more dateable.  JJ got a rose, and he didn't need to drop a sob story on her to get it.

As the guys hem and haw about who gets a rose.  Marquel says "everyone deserves a rose."  Very youth sports of you, Marquel.  Hope you brought Capri Sun for everyone too.  Andi brings up the Ron situation, saying "I care for everyone here....  This is real life....  Everyone have a good night!"  Interesting pep talk there Andi.  Eric thanks Andi again for his first date then tries to very unsubtly figure out how the other dates have gone by saying "that was best date, right?"  Before Andi has to maneuver that minefield, Nick V. orders up a delivery of a bouquet of flowers.  Nice timing, Nick.  Eric is not accustomed to being one-upped, and it shows.  He's out of his depth now.  Quick, where's a mountain to climb? 

Andi is excited that the guys are bringing it and being thoughtful.  Hate to break it to her that all guys are like that at first.  You know why?  Because there's an unlimited number of options of things you can do.  The first gift I got Rachel was a soccer ball and tickets to the Women's World Cup semifinals.  HOW DO I EVER TOP THAT? 

Speaking of being thoughtful, apparently Formula One Bro Andrew snagged a girl's phone number at dinner last week, and it's up to Playboy Josh to get to the bottom of this.  We get our first "for the right reasons" reference, but Andrew is having none of it.  "I'm not going to engage in this with you guys" he huffs as he walks away.  Not to be outdone, JJ and Josh follow him up the stairs, recapping the whole situation to him again as the poor camera guys struggle to keep up.  Andrew is taking the fifth here. 

I like that the guys gave him a chance to explain himself before they take it to Andi.  Let's be honest here, Andrew probably didn't have a chance.  Andi and Andrew?  It's just too much.  During this drama, Marcus steals off to get some kisses and give her a note.  Andrew feels attacked because "he's a threat."  Andrew, who has now crafted his story, says that some girl handed him his number and that's the end of the story.  If that's the case, then he really doesn't have anything to apologize for.  If some girl gave me her number out of the blue, I'd tell everyone about it, because that would be AWESOME.  Would I do anything about it?  Of course not, I love my wife.  But everyone likes being desired.  Then it breaks down into "who found out what when" and Josh goes Mike Gundy reference, bellowing "I'm a grown ass man."  Andrew then shows a complete misunderstanding of how a dating show works, saying "I thought we were all in this together!"

Time for the roses....of course nobody lets Andi know what's going on, because it's probably a non-issue that they're trying to make sound bigger than it is.  Andi gives the guys the "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" pep talk, and then hands out roses to Marcus, Brian, Marquel (black is her favorite color!), Tasos, Meathead Cody (again?), Patrick, Farmer Chris, Eric (his chance at love is not dead yet!),  Dylan of the drug family, and Andrew the number getter.  Gone are the opera singer who thought being able to sing a Boyz II Men song would make her fall in love with him, and then goes real melodramatic style, crying and sobbing "I just want to love and be loved,"  and Brett the hairstylist. Basically roses were given to Eric, Marcus, and a bunch of guys who don't really have a shot.

Bachelorette Week 2 - Beefcake!

I need to apologize, I'm really slacking on watching this season.  It's been relegated to watching on my lunch break on Tuesdays.  Last week it took a backseat to getting caught up on Game of Thrones, this week it took a backseat to Godzilla.  I give Godzilla two thumbs sideways.  It was entertaining, but needed more Brian Cranston.  I love giant monsters and I get that you kind of have to suspend reality to even accept these movies, but the monsters in this movie looked so insane that I hard time even getting into it.  Plus, Godzilla might be the most un-athletic looking monster in history:

 

 



Seriously...he looks like a bear that just feasted on salmon for a good three months and is getting ready to hibernate.  I don't want to give away the movie, but Godzilla basically hangs out that the bottom of the ocean for hundreds if not thousands of years waiting for other monsters to show up and then battles them before going back into the sea.  Basically a flimsy story with kickass special effects. 

Now back to our Bachelorette - Where Andi is STILL trying to come to grips with being the bachelorette.  How is this so surreal to her?  She's already been through this.  She's done the rose ceremonies, and because you're past contestant who finished in the final four, you're one of only three ladies that could even be considered for this role.  Her competition was Claire and Renee this time, and Claire's bizarre family (and crazy personality quirks) probably excluded her from consideration and Renee went and found herself a man the old fashioned way, so it was pretty much down to her.  Not that big of a shock to anyone except her.

Harrison comes in and reminds the guys that this will end up with Andi being one of their wives, which is "pretty crazy" when you think about it.  I agree.  You'd have to be crazy even attempt to find a spouse this way.

Dead Guy Eric gets the first date.  The guys try to psych Eric out telling him how nervous he's going to be.  Andi shows up wearing half of a tank top in a corvette (which is the only way Bachelorettes travel, by the way).  The guys come out to give them a shirtless send off - I'm pretty sure that you can fit all the clothes you need to wear on this six month show in a carry-on.  Eric finally starts to annoy me, bragging about camping with a witch doctor and responding to the question "do you know how to ride a motorcycle?" by saying "yeah, I actually rode one half way across Africa a few months ago."  We get it dude, you're so international."  After some frolicking on the beach, a helicopter shows up, and Eric - Mr. Travel - has to act like he's totally geeked to be getting into a helicopter, even though he rode on the skids of one over Victoria Falls throwing MRE packages to malnourished Maasai children last week (just kidding - I think.)

So they take the chopper from the beach to the mountain, where Eric seems in awe of the speed at which helicopters fly (we went from the sand to the snow in twenty minutes!  It's like a sci-fi novel!)  Eric then lets us know that he loves the beach and the mountains, as if this is a coincidence and that 85 percent of the world loves mountains and beaches.  Andi says "this is insane" which I think is her catch phrase.  And then the world's ultimate bro and Olympic Snowboarder, Louis Vitto, shows up to help them snowboard.  I feel bad that our nation's Olympians have to make money giving lessons to lame reality show contestants - can't we just pay Olympians already?  Louis gives them some super basic instructions and then looks for any way possible to get the hell out of there.  Andi purposely runs down Eric and that's about it.  Andi marvels at Eric's snowboarding skills, gushing "he's good at everything!"  If by everything you mean traveling around the world (which I guess is a "skill"), making sand castles, snowboarding and combing his immaculate hair, then yes.  He gives nice compliments about her bringing hot chocolate too, as if it was Andi's idea to bring a thermos on this date.  He's a keeper!

The night wraps up at a mountain chalet. Eric says that day has been unforgettable so far, which apparently means that he could develop amnesia later on in the night.  Andi challenges him to name three things he's not good at, but he kinda stops after saying "playing the piano."  Eric then tells a story about how he was in Syria and militants thought he was a spy and thought he was going to die, but he was able to talk about how he was there to talk about the happiness of Syrians and the militants let him go.  This guy is clearly very proud of the life he leads, which I commend him for, but I see how his stories could get very, very grating after a while.  Like, if you were married to this dude, or his friend, or a relative would you EVER tell a story in his presence?  You start talking about the time you found a baby bird in your yard and nursed it back to health, and he says "I know exactly how you feel!  When I was summiting Mt. McKinley, I came across a bald eagle that had fallen out of its nest.  It had a broken wing and a Grizzly bear was coming into eat it.   I was able to talk the bear down by telling it of the unbreakable spirit of the bald eagle, and, after making a splint out of the branches of a  nearby douglas fir, I chewed up some raw salmon and fed it to the eagle until it came to think of me as its mother." 

Their night concludes with them talking about children and how he is open to marriage because he discovered only recently that people don't turn into completely different people after tying the knot and her giving him a rose.  Oh and then they roast marshmallows while Eric tells yet another story about roasting a marshmallow over a volcanic vent in Guatemala.  Well, I'm pretty much done with him now.   My bald eagle story gets more plausible every second.  Obviously it's sad that he's dead, but he lived a pretty full 31 years it sounds like.  Me?  I once went to Canada, so perhaps I'll live to be 120.

Back at the house, the guys are able to infer from the date card that they'll be getting into some state of undress on the group date.  One guy, whose name escapes me, says "he's excited to drop trou."  Ok then. 

Excited to be Naked with ten other dudes turns out to be Craig.  He already loves her.  Marquel the Cookie Monster seems to prefer wrestling bears than to be getting bare.  Andi thinks the guys are going to be "shocked."  Despite the fact that they've been speculating about getting undressed since the date card showed up, the guys all of a sudden do seem a little surprised to be dancing nekkid.  Why is it that the only way the bachelor seems to know how to "give back" to charity is to be naked.  Surely there have to be some other talents these people have, right?  Then again, these guys aren't exactly the brightest. The guys are split into three groups (firefighters, cowboys, and soldiers) plus two solo acts.  Craig is....what the hell is Craig's deal?  He's awestruck by how sexy Josh is, and just can't stop giggling.  Cody the meathead says "life is good," because he gets to take his clothes off for a sexy girl.  Actually, for a guy that obviously spends an insane amount of time on his body, this is probably the perfect "date" for him.  He doesn't have to deal with all those annoying things like conversation and caring about what the other person is saying.  I imagine that at some point in his life, he's been on a date with a girl, and she's started talking about her passion for shelter pets and he's just cut her off by taking his shirt off.  "Enough of you, LOOK AT MY ABS!"  Sadly, it's probably worked for him too.

Oh look, Sharleen and the Dog Lover are here.  Of course they're still in LA!  Craig is STILL awestruck by Josh's body...this is getting awkward.  Nick the golfer apparently shows everyone his naughty bits, and someone decides to give Chris Harrison a lap dance.  Funny, but also weird.  Marcus plays up the "holy crap I'm nervous to be a solo act." part, and Andi acknowledges it despite probably being the one that picked him out to be a solo act.  Of course, Marcus was able to pick Andy out of the crowd and that helps him calm himself.  Because if there's anything that calms me down, it's taking my clothes off on a first date. 

Craig just can't WAIT to get into the booze.  Andi's boobs on the other hand, can't WAIT to get out of her dress.  Holy crap.  Brian pulls Andi aside, and she says how impressed she was that he didn't look nervous.  He also reiterates that seeing Andi calmed him down and reminded him that this was "for a good cause." 

Josh wants to not be stereotyped as a "player" athlete - claiming he's shy.  Andi says "you didn't look shy on stage" to which he replies "well, I'm not going to be shy once I'm naked."  That seems like the PERFECT time to get shy.  Maybe I need to devote the next two years to my body and see if that changes my mind, but I'm still thinking it'd be a good time to get shy.

Craig continues his man-crush with Josh's body...and holy shit he's an annoying drunk.  The Opera Singer sings opera, and then Craig delivers the question of the night:  "What is the worst thing about your parents....BOOM!"   So fantastic.  Andi starts talking about how she can't even concentrate because things are getting "so crazy downstairs."  As if this is everyone and not just Craig.  Andi is not happy that people are having fun that doesn't involve her.  "They're here to date" she snarls.  Well, Andi, I'm sure your night is wall to wall with conversations and dating, but these guys are spending hours hanging out with each other and alcohol just waiting for their fifteen minutes with you.  Nick's got his trunks on, so obviously the pool was a possibility for the night.  Even if it wasn't, THERE'S A POOL THERE WITH A HOT TUB.  Patrick got shoved into the stove, and is deeply offended.  Everyone is all a tizzy that this happened to Andi - how could Craig ruin her night like this?  How dare he?  However, nobody is pulling him aside to say "yo buddy, this is about her, not you."  Andi now questions if these guys are here for the right reasons.  THERE IT IS!  We didn't even make it through week 2 before questions people's intentions for the show, despite the fact that almost nobody is actually on this show for the right reasons (see the fact that Sharleen and Kelly have seemingly quit their jobs post-bachelor to hang out in LA.)  Andi applauds Marcus for taking
control of the situation.  By taking control, she means he was the first person after Craig's antics to have one-on-one time with her.  This earns him the rose for the night. Right place, right time buddy.

Cookie Monster didn't get one-on-one time because he sat back.  That doesn't stop him from blaming Craig, however.  Bad move, Cookie. 

Chris the hipster farmer has his one on one date.  He goes to get ready and quips "Time to put some lipstick on this pig."  Farmer Wit!  Time for some horse racing.....Andi decides to get dressed up like it's the 1940's, which is great, if a little confusing...if for no other reason than because we see Andi walking around all dolled up while people in "Tap Out" T-shirts and jean shorts wander around in the background.  Chris makes a joke about how his horse is "running sideways" which makes me laugh because I picked out Bayern as my horse in the Preakness the other week, and sure enough my horse trotted sideways and then proceeded to get smoked in the race.  Of course his horse wins.  The sweet old couple that also got dressed up for the act.  Of course, we have to get the "advice from the old people."  Was it coincidence that this old dude is the only other person wearing a bowtie at the track?  Or is this a plant to get us to picture what Andi and Chris could look like in 55 years? 

Andi's catch phrase of "this is insane" is quickly getting replaced by "stop."  Your horse wins?  Stop.  You know how to ride a motorcycle?  STOP.  You know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich?  STOP!!!  Chris tells us his story of woe, how he was once engaged.  If you're keeping track at home, Eric was almost killed by Syrian militants and Chris had an engagement broken off.  Of course he claims that he didn't "know in his gut" that she was the right person, which is super easy to say in hindsight.  However, nobody gets engaged to someone they're not sure at the time they want to marry.  Chris, who is sweating like the pigs he farms, claims that despite his past, he KNOWS that Andi is the one.  I just....I mean....well maybe he meant....nope.  I got nothing. 

Chris gets the rose, but Andi has one more surprise.  It's concert time!  This Wild Life (which could be called This Wild Beard) is out on the track for a private show!  Good thing for This Wild Life that Andi offered him the rose, right?  Otherwise they end up playing a concert for lonely Andi and the old couple? 

Time for a cocktail party, and Andrew (one of the Formula One bros.) sets the tone for us by telling us that there is tension.  Thanks, buddy.  I think he even threw out the statement "aside from the guys with the roses, anyone could be going home."  Yup.  Andi's got another dress on cut down to her navel, and Nick V. who looks a little like Gionvani Ribisi to me, gets some one on one time right off the bat.  I wonder if ever in the history of the show someone has been able to save themselves from chopping block at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  He made a good impression apparently though, because Andi makes it seem like he's definitely safe.  Marquel has striped socks, a checkered shirt, and a camouflage looking tie on.  That's the kind of thing that I guess is "fashion" yet I think looks insane. 

Andi is clearly loving the guys telling her how amazing she is, and they're working it.  Josh is all a flutter, talking a hundred miles an hour - and Andi eats up every second of it, before pulling him in for a kiss.  Safe to say we'll be seeing him next week. 

One guy we won't see next week is Craig, but he's going to try like hell to change that.  Craig decides that the best way to apologize is to sing her a song.  This is probably a good move if you can sing, but he clearly can't.  Wow buddy.  Never a good sign when the other guys are laughing and not saying "damn, Craig really made up for it." 

At the rose ceremony, Eric, Marcus, and Chris will be joined next week by Smooth Ron (who is so smooth he doesn't even need to appear on the episode to get a rose), Dylan, JJ the Pantsapreneur, Marquel the Mismatched Cookie Monster, Formula One Bro Andrew, Tasos the unremarkable, Josh the confident guy who has Andi convinced he's shy, Meathead Cody, Nick V, Patrick the other Formula One Bro, Brian the confident stripper, Brett and his mullet.  Leaving us with Nick the Golfer, Drunk Craig, Opera Singing Bradley, and some guy trying really hard to be Adam Levine with non-prescription glasses.  That guy turns out to be Carl the firefighter.  I almost didn't recognize him.  Pro Golfer Nick wonders when he's going to get a break.  Because, you know, being a pro golfer sucks.  Andi tells Craig he'd still have a chance if he hadn't gotten so drunk, but seriously he was so annoying he'd probably have gone home anyways. 

Bachelorette - Andi's Back...does anyone care?

Welcome back for another season ABC's smash hit "Why the Heck do we Watch this Crap?"  We've got a bachelorette in Andi that acted all doe-eyed and weak-kneed around Juan Pablo right up until she wasn't.  Now we get to watch a bunch of guys act all doe-eyed and weak-kneed around Andi right up until they don't, and she gets to act all offended by it.  God Bless this show.

The show starts off on a somber note, acknowledging the death of Eric, who of course was an amazing person who never did anything wrong in his life that everyone loved unconditionally, as it is with all people who die too young.  I'll bet Donald Sterling would've gotten a flowery send-off if he'd kicked the bucket in his twenties too. 

Let's recap Andi's job.  She's a federal prosecutor who loves her job...loves putting the bad guys away.  She's on the streets taking pictures of graffiti and she loves it!  So naturally, she's quitting to be a three month celebrity.  This seems like the most awful idea ever.  Somehow, her parents seem excited about this.  Their daughter just quit her job to go on what can only be described as a three month long spring break for young professionals.  "Next time I come home, I'll be bringing two guys!" she says, as her dad dies a little bit inside. 

Andi seems a little TOO excited to be the bachelorette in my opinion.  She's just a little too pleased with herself in these little vignettes.  When we come back from break - the dudes!  Oh, and also a stalker.  Oh ABC, we're resorting to crazy made-up storylines to drum up drama ten minutes into the season?  Woo hoo!

I love how Andi feels like "this is crazy."  She's already gone through all this!  She knows what happens on this show.  Literally how could you be overwhelmed?  She's worried about how the guys are going to respond to her....despite all the guys come into the show knowing who the girl is.  Fortunately, her sister is here to advise her to kiss as many dudes as possible or something.  Andi's sister is "so proud" of her to be on this show.  It's not like there's a whole lot of qualifications to being the bachelorette other than being attractive and outgoing. 

Let's meet the guys:  Wait, no introductory videos of the guys?  How am I supposed to make a knee jerk over judgmental reaction on these bros?  The cliché train is in full effect as Andi reiterates how "amazing" and "crazy" it is to be here and how "her husband could be in one of those limos."  All we need is a "right reasons" reference and she's hit for the cycle!

The guys pull up and one describes her smile as "devastating."  I suppose this is a compliment, but devastating would also describe Hurricane Katrina or Elin Nordegren picking up Tiger's cell phone that night in November 2009 (that was five years ago already?)  Marcus says "you look amazing.  I have a lot to give and offer."  That's it buddy?  Good luck.  Chris, the farmer from Iowa is next.  I've never seen a farmer with hair like that.  JJ's rocking the bowtie and is excited to be starting this "love quest."  NEXT.  Marquel is rocking a pretty loud pink checkerboard shirt, but he doesn't seem as confident as his attire applies.  Up next is some dude who brought a lock and wants to pretend they are in Paris.  Cody shows up in a tight white t-shirt and decides to impress her by pushing the limo, pretending it broke down.  He's a complete meathead who, not surprisingly, is a personal trainer by trade.  NEXT.  Rudie is up next, and as an attorney, goes with some arts and crafts project that looks like a 4th grader made it.  I'm sure it's one of those things that sounded great in his head (she's an attorney, I'm an attorney.......this will be GREAT!) but it didn't seem to make its mark.  Next up is a long haired doctor with a big smile and horrible jokes.  Further proof that most doctors have horrible people skills.  Patrick hops out with a soccer ball and reminds us that Juan Pablo was an asshole.  It seems that he may be getting the Voldemort treatment (he shall not be named!)  Amal's icebreaker is "my name's like "anal" with an M."  Another bow-tied dude shows up with a lamp he stole from the hotel.  Quirky, and probably effective if you're trying to sleep with a girl tonight (he's fun and spontaneous!) but it's probably not going to land you a spouse. 

Craig blows out some champagne and says he's a hugger.  That guy's going home early.  Smooth Ron from Israel shows up, and immediately tells Andi what's what.  "I'm going to get a drink and we'll talk later."  It wasn't a suggestion, it was a demand.  Smooth Ron is very smooth.  Not as smooth is Bradley, who kicks over a plant or something on his way into the mansion.  Nick the pro golfer shows up in a golf cart.  Coach Brian is up next but his game plan is a little weak - act like you don't know how to tie a tie and say how happy you are that she was the bachelorette.  Mike the Bartender looks a little too much like Doctor Bad Jokes....never thought that the bartender and doctor would cancel each other out.  Next up is the dead guy, and holy crap he's charming.  He starts talking about travelling the world and gives her some Peruvian dolls given to him by a girl in the Andes (get it!) mountains.  Sweet Jesus, how do you follow that?  He's an EXPLORER!!  Well, if you're Josh, you say "hey I'm a pro baseball player and I just moved to Atlanta, so we're like already neighbors."  Strong play....move to her hometown before the show starts.  Why don't more people do this?  You know who you're going to be vying for, why not move to their location and eliminate the whole "where are we going to live if we end up together" conflict?  Strong play, Josh.

Lots of hoots and whistles from the guys as she walks in.  Now she knows what it's like to be a stripper at a private party.  Congrats, Andi.  Andi says she feels it - that the love of her life is in the room.  She follows that up with "I'm not sure who it is though."  Yikes.  Josh keeps the cliché train rolling, saying "my mom loves you."  Marquel has a passion for cookies, and I'm loving how excited he is about this.  You go Marquel!!



Come to Papa!!!
 

 Dead Guy Eric continues to impress, talking about base jumping, sky diving visiting 195 countries...forget the Dos Equis guy, we might have actually lost the most interesting men in the world.  RIP Eric.  Your candle burned out long before your legend ever will.

Outside we get the reveal of our stalker - and is that Chris, the most un-athletic yet in-shape guy of all time?  Guess we'll have to wait - because Opera Guy is showing off his pipes.  Meanwhile Andrew and Patrick discover that they'd rather give each other roses than Andi.  Seriously, did they move closer to each other on the couch when lustily discussing Formula 1 race car drivers?  Chris Harrison confirms that Chris B. is in fact our stalker.  Harrison tries to play it off like Chris B. was so taken by Andi that he has to meet her.  Harrison says "how did you even know we were filming today?"  Chris B. says "I didn't, that's why I've been out here for seven days!"  So he's been driving up to the mansion every day for a week dressed up with flowers?  I don't buy it at all.  I also don't buy that he's so in love with Andi that he has to meet her.  This is all about getting his name buzzing on Twitter again.  It's really sad that some of these contestants become so consumed by the show that they literally cannot separate themselves from the character they are on TV.  He can no longer be Chris.  He HAS to be Chris the guy who was on Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad.  Poor guy.

Hip Farmer says he grows "corn and soybeans and feeds animals and stuff."  Andi pretends to be interested in farming, but the extent of her enthusiasm is that she "likes outdoor space."  Wonder how she likes sitting in a John Deere 5950 when the AC goes out and the radio only gets one country station?  Because that's FARMING.

Frist impression rose actually goes to Nick, who apparently has some sort of connection with Andi.  Nick seems as dumbfounded as I am about this.  Now it's time to get real and send home some guys who really never had a chance.  JJ the "pantsapreneur" is worried, but I wouldn't be if I was him.  He's a pantsapreneur!  We don't know what in the hell that is, so I have to assume that at some point during the show they will explain why they gave him that occupation.  He'll be safe.  Other guys I hope are safe are Smooth Ron and Cookie Monster.  The two Formula One bros can go....I'm sure they'll have a great first date at the race track. 

Andi choses to keep Nick (duh), JJ (told you!), Dead Guy Eric (sympathetic front runner), Cookie Monster (C is for Marquel!), Champagne poppin' Craig (why?), Tasos (speaks a foreign language), Josh the Atlanta baseball player, Coach Brian, Opera Singing Brad, Marcus (also speaks a foreign language), Andrew the Race Car Bro, Smooth Ron (oh yeah), Carl (?), Hip Farmer Chris, Dylan another mystery man, Brett the Lamp Stealer, Patrick the Race Car Bro (Andrew will be so happy!), Cody the Meathead Car Pusher, and Nick the golf dude.  Gone are the bartender and doctor (they did cancel each other out!), the surfer bro, Anal Amal, our dorky attorney (who doesn't get that if she wanted an attorney, she could've just stayed at her job in Atlanta), and Josh B. who is mad that he's talking to the camera instead of up there with all the other guys.  Josh B. is SUPER BITTER.   Wow.  That was one unhappy camper.  Also feel bad for Dr. Long Hair, who exited with the super depressing line "Well, I'm not going home to much...."  Poor guy.

Coming up on this season:  Lots of macho posturing and #ManTears!  It's never quite the fairytale these ladies think it's going to be, is it?

Paging Ralph Miller

Seriously bro - anytime you want to, you know, come back to life and coach again, we're waiting.

OSU's basketball season came to a merciful end yesterday with a 96-92 loss to Radford yesterday in the CBI Tournament.  In case you don't know what that is, all you need to know is that my late grandfather called it the "Crud Bucket Invitational."  In case you've never heard of Radford, they're a small school somewhere in Virginia.  Typing this while simultaneously watching the Ducks beat BYU in the NCAA tournament makes this officially the low point of the Craig Robinson era. 

How did Oregon State basketball get here?  Oregon State went to the NCAA tournament in 7 of 10 years from 1979-1989.  Then Ralph Miller retired.  In 1990, Jimmy Anderson, Miller's top assistant, guided a Gary Payton led squad back to the tournament, where they lost to Ball State.  The last 25 years have been awful for a once proud program.  How bad?  As Craig Robinson left the podium last night, he said "if I get fired, it's been nice knowing you guys."  Oregon State's own coach is cracking jokes after losing at home to a Big South school in front of an announced crowd of less than 1,400 people.  The reason he's able to crack jokes is because either he doesn't care if he gets fired, or he knows it's a long shot that he will be fired because of the athletic department's financial situation.  Maybe a combination of the two.  Either way, it's terrible, and it's not the first time he's made a strange statement that seems to indicate he's not that interested in being the Beavers coach:

• In a January 21st story in the Oregonian, he said that, if he were "out of a job" and Princeton offered him an athletic director position, "that would be the one place" he'd go for.  I don't think I've heard a coach discuss his next job while still in season at his current job.  At the time, the Beavers were 10-7 and had just come off a win over the Ducks - a time when you'd think his job security would be at a high point.  Furthermore, if he was out of a job, he'd only consider working at one place?  Is he ready to retire?  Clearly not, as he said he "wasn't burned out yet" in the same story.  To make things even stranger, I can't find anything online that lists Craig Robinson as a potential candidate, other than the speculation coming from his own mouth.  It almost seems like he's putting himself out there for it.
• In the March 4th Daily Barometer, when speaking about senior Roberto Nelson, Robinson said "“The fact that that kid (Nelson) is going to have a degree from Oregon State is almost as shocking as the fact that we’re sitting here with an opportunity to be .500.”   To me, that sounds like he's calling his team "lucky" to be winning half their games.  It also sounds a little bit like he thinks Roberto Nelson should not be a college student, but whatever. 

So what happened with Craig Robinson?  When he was hired, the consensus was that Oregon State needed to hire a "system" coach who would be able to bring some structure to a program that seemingly had no offensive direction under Jay John.  In his first season, he led a team that went winless in conference play to a  respectable 7-11 conference record and a postseason championship (albeit in that very same Crud Bucket Invitational.)  Multiple, multiple times, Robinson has referred to the players on that team as not skilled or talented enough to compete at the Pac-10 (now Pac-12) level.  Yet, by slowing down other teams with an unorthodox 1-3-1 zone spearheaded by an incredible athlete in Seth Tarver (a guy with no real basketball "skills")  and playing a deliberate outside-in offense run through Roeland Schaftenaar - a 6'10" guy who was too scrawny to play inside and too slow to play outside, but could pass the ball exceptionally well - he was able to get other teams to play at the Beavers pace and win some games they probably shouldn't have.  And I think that early success, coupled with the whole "my sister is the First Lady" business ultimately did him in.

The early success breathed some life into a once proud fan base.  They wanted to know what was next.  What was next was a fairly highly regarded recruiting class that included Joe Burton, Roberto Nelson, and Jared Cunningham.  Joe Burton fit the style Craig Robinson had played the previous year - he was a point guard trapped in a post players body - the other guys were gunners.  They were built to play fast.  Robinson made a point to tell everyone that they were going to play faster once they got "good" athletes in the program.  He was going to get rid of the 1-3-1 defense (probably the team's biggest weapon) and play more man to man.  All of this sounded great.  The only problem?  I don't think Craig Robinson is comfortable coaching that style of play.  He played at Princeton - an Ivy League school that doesn't offer athletic scholarships and has such stringent academic requirements that they automatically disqualify themselves from a large majority of recruitable athletes.  His only college coaching experience prior to Oregon State was an assistant at Northwestern and two years as a head coach at Brown, which both have the same built-in disadvantages that Princeton has.  So for the last 35 years or so, the only basketball he's been around has been played with inferior athletes that play below the rim.  Yet his plan was to recruit athletes and completely change his system - a system that probably got him the job in the first place.  Washington State had a similar situation, and they turned to Tony Bennett, who was able to implement an offensive system based on relatively un-athletic white guys like  Taylor Rochestie and Robbie Cowgill and go to the Sweet Sixteen despite ranking 226th in the nation in points per game.  Tony Bennett went on to Virginia, where he's got his team a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament despite ranking (you guessed it) 289th in the country in points per game.  He's stuck with his system, despite having unquestionably better athletes than he had at Wazzu.  Craig wanted to have a sexy program to recruit sexy players, and it's backfired big time.  He brought in guys like Ahmad Starks, who in three years obliterated just about every 3 point record Oregon State has.  Problem was, he got obliterated on the defensive side of the ball.  He brought in Eric Moreland, another freak athlete, who has been suspended for parts of each of the last two seasons and gives off the impression that he's only playing college basketball until the NBA comes calling, even if the NBA seems to have "lost" his number like that hot girl in your physics class that keeps telling you "oh yeah, we'll hang out......sometime."

So now he's got guys who can score, and score in bunches.  The team averaged 60.8 points per game in his first season.  In his second year, they averaged 60.3.  This year - 75.8 points per game.  So great...we can score now.  Problem is, they still can't defend anyone.  Points allowed per game have gone from 63.3 his first year to 75.6 this season, 306th in the nation.  Yet he's continued to play primarily man to man.  Why, I have no clue.  Craig Robinson likes to quote his father's advice often.  One of the most popular ones is "you don't always get what you deserve, but you deserve what you get."  Well, my dad taught me a few things too, amongst them "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and "dance with the one that brought you."  Robinson abandoned everything that had made him successful.

A big complaint I've heard this season is that Craig Robinson doesn't seem to "care" anymore if they win or lose.  Detractors point to how demonstrative he was on the sidelines his first few years, when you could hear him yelling "MOVE!" at players from the top row of Gill Coliseum as the gum flew out of his mouth.  This season, he did a lot more sitting on the bench watching.  I don't think it was a lack of caring, I think it was a genuine lack of not knowing what to do.  He'd implemented a system that put the onus on players to be able to stop the guy they were guarding one-on-one.  Similarly, the offense was based less on ball and player movement and more on guys being able to create their own shots.  So what do you tell guys to do...play better?  He basically put himself in a position where all he could say was "you guys have to work harder."  He's out of options.

Also out of options - Bob DeCarolis.  What's he to do?  Despite public perception that he's neglected basketball during his tenure, he's invested many resources in basketball.  That new practice facility was built at Robinson's behest that they needed it to compete.  Robinson smartly capitalized on the little success he'd had early on, and forced DeCarolis' hand as he extended his contract not once, but twice.  He's owed around $3 Million over the next few seasons.  Fire him, and you're essentially doubling the expense on a coach.  That's money the athletic department doesn't have, as they're still paying off improvements to Reser Stadium and that basketball practice facility.  Those shiny new facilities that Oregon State has don't come cheap.  Plans are already in the works to sink more money into both Reser and Goss Stadiums.  Attendance is plummeting for basketball, and football attendance isn't exactly skyrocketing.  Donations to the athletics department have plateaued despite the ever increasing expenses.  While the new media deal with ESPN/FOX and Pac-12 Network promised upwards of $20 Million a year, it isn't delivering near that yet, and it's not like all that is "new" money. 

So say they do fire him (or he leaves for the Princeton job that he may or may not be a candidate for) - who do you get?   I see a few different "types" of coaches out there:

• Established coaches at Mid-Majors with NCAA Tournament experience

Examples:  Mark Few, Shaka Smart
Fan Interest:  High.  Fans love these guys
Odds of Hiring:  Low - These guys are in super high demand by every major school that's under performing.  Many of those schools have deeper pockets, more fertile recruiting bases, and better facilities than Oregon State.  Only way they're coming to Oregon State is if they throw a ton of money at them.  Money they don't have.

• Retired Legends

Examples:  Bobby Knight, Larry Brown, Dick Bennett
Fan Interest:  High. Everyone loves a big name
Odds of Hiring:  Low.  They're super expensive (Larry Brown's ASSISTANT is reportedly getting almost $1 Million this year at SMU), and not likely to be interested in the long term success of the program.  They'll try and assemble a team as fast as possible, win early, then take a quick second retirement as the white knight of the program.  Either that, or it won't work because the game has passed them by and then you're stuck paying an enormous salary for a name that's not getting results and isn't really interested in changing anything because this is most likely his last job anyways.

• Cast-Offs from other Programs

Examples:  Ernie Kent, Larry Eustachy, Bobby Petrino
Fan Interest:  Medium.  Fans love that these guys win, but also realize they were fired from their old jobs for a reason (usually some sort of indiscretion.)
Odds of Hiring:  Medium.  Again, these guys usually are able to capitalize on name recognition and cost a pretty penny, though maybe not top dollar because they're "damaged goods."  I personally tend to think that these types of coaches would only come here to re-establish themselves as coaching elite and then look for a job with a commensurate level of esteem.  Not the best for the long term health of the program.

• Assistants at Successful Programs

Examples:  Josh Pastner, Jay John, Jimmy Anderson
Fan Interest:  Medium.  They love the association to greatness, even if they've never heard of the guy. 
Odds of Hiring:  High.  These coaches are typically hungry to make a name for themselves, and will come cheaper than someone with head coaching experience.  It's not the worst strategy, although it hasn't exactly worked for Oregon State in the past (see above examples).  You need to pick a guy from the right coaching tree.  For example, every single assistant coach on Bo Ryan's first staff at Wisconsin 9 years ago is coaching their own team in the NCAA Tournament this year.  Conversely, Lute Olsen's assistants have largely flopped. 

• Flash in the Pans

Examples: Andy Enfield, Craig Robinson, Eddie Payne
Fan Interest: Low/Medium. 
Odds of Hiring:  High.  These guys have seemingly come from nowhere, but had one or two good seasons at basketball outposts (Craig came from Brown, Payne from East Carolina).  Neither was an established success.  Both had forgettable runs (although Payne's teams were probably the most fun to watch in the post-Miller era at OSU).  They're easy to hire, because they want to "strike while the iron is hot" so to speak.  They're also probably the most risky, because you have nothing to judge them on.  Picking one of these guys is like putting $100 on Green 00 in blackjack because you just saw some guy just win $1 Million doing that.  They're relatively cheap.  Not a good bet in my opinion.

• Lower Division Successes

Examples:  Scott Rueck, Mike Dunlap, Mike Leaf, Bo Ryan
Fan Interest: Low.  They've never heard of the coach or the school he's at, so why should they care?
Odds of Hiring:  High.  Their current salaries are well below market value for a Pac-12 coach, plus most of them are hyper-competitive and want to be able to prove themselves at "the next level."   They've put in a decade perfecting their craft, and know how to SUSTAIN success at an institution. This is the best path available to Oregon State at this point.  They might not have experience recruiting high profile kids, but they know how to get the most out of the guys they have.  They know what kind of players work for them, and which ones don't.  I've always been a believer that recruiting doesn't need to be taught anyways.  It's all about relationships.  If you're a well-liked person, you'll do fine in recruiting.  Barack Obama and John McCain couldn't be more different in terms of political experience, but which guy won?  The "cool" guy who people liked and was a better public speaker.  Recruiting is all about perception...Craig Robinson got high profile kids to come to Oregon State, but once they were here, he couldn't lead them anywhere.  Chris Petersen at Boise had no chance bringing in guys getting offers from school like USC and Washington, but he took those guys he could get and he WON.  A LOT.  Same thing with Mark Few at Gonzaga.  And really, the same thing with Mike Riley.  He's got the same disadvantages (perceived or otherwise) as Craig Robinson and doesn't bring in anyone that even sniffs ESPN's top recruits....yet he wins consistently because he knows what he wants to do and what he's good at.  Then he goes out and finds kids that can do what he requires them to do. 

So there you go.  That's my quick recap of why Oregon State sucks, and what I think is the best way for them to get better.  In lieu of a coaching change, I'd urge Craig Robinson to look back at what he was able to do with a bunch of guys that went 0-18 in conference the year before and start teaching these guys the way he taught them.

Bachelor Finale: America Doesn't Care if You Love Someone or Not, YOU WILL SAY IT.

I can't say I'm sad that this season is over.  I've never had higher hopes for a Bachelor and been more disappointed.  He just turned out to be kind of a boring doof.  He was much more interesting when I knew nothing about him.  Chris Harrison has promised us a Bachelor Finale unlike anything we've ever seen before.  Unless someone is going to die tonight (besides America's collective soul that is) I don't believe him.  Gotta love the audience looking like some Romans ready to watch a couple gladiators meet their demise at the hands of a pack of bloodthirsty tigers.  Chris is teasing that, perhaps, Juan Pablo wasn't here for love.  I think we can just assume he picks nobody at this point, but let's let ABC try and boggle our minds.

We start with Juan Pablo in his salmon shorts hanging out with his family.  Juan tells his family that Clare is from Sacramento and that he's not telling them anything else.  Perhaps that's because there's nothing else to say?  "Clare is from Sacramento, her family is insane, and (earmuffs Camilla) we had sex in Vietnam," probably isn't the best intro.

Clare is so turned on by Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter.  I'm so creeped out by this.  Apparently Clare's entire family speaks Spanish, except for of course Clare.  Like Jason Derulo says in that song "her booty don't need explaining." She's too pretty to learn another language.  She definitely seems like she doesn't fit in at the dinner table with his family.  She's kind of off in the corner just hanging out watching him interact with his family.

Next, Clare gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo's mama, who tells her he's hyperactive and rude.  Apparently mom's not his biggest cheerleader.  Clare is unfazed...rather she seems relieved that his mom thinks he's a dick too.  Next up is Juan Pablo's cousin, who straight up asks if she's in love and then follows up with "Juan Pablo likes to cut and run, are you going to hang in there if he's ready to throw in the towel?"  Juan Pablo's family is doing a great job of trying to scare her off, but then Papa Pablo gets in there and starts smooth talking her, to the point that she gives him little "besitos."  I think we see where Juan Pablo gets it.

The fact that this is a two hour show, and fifteen minutes in Clare's date is over makes me nervous.  How many segments of fans saying what they think is going to happen, and how much "expert" commentary are we going to get from girls Juan Pablo dumped and of course Sean, who would never turn down an opportunity to peddle his "aw shucks" schtick are we going to have to sit through?

Juan Pablo's excited because he hasn't seen Nikki in "a couple days."  There is definitely some confusion amongst Juan Pablo and his family as to what state Kansas City is in.  I'll give them a pass, because it would seem pretty stupid to someone from another country that there is a Kansas City that isn't in the state of Kansas.  I'll actually give Nikki some credit for not being a geography snob and explaining the situation, or maybe I should give ABC credit for cutting that out.  Either way, I'm glad we didn't sit through that.

Papa Pablo isn't being as smooth with Nikki as he was with Clare.  He goes straight into a "Juan Pablo is a selfish dude.  Good luck with that" routine.  Next up is Mama Pablo, who is much nicer and friendly with Nikki than she was with Clare.  I'm picturing Juan Pablo's parents in their hotel room flipping a coin to see who gets to be the "bad cop" with the girls.  Juan Pablo's cousin again goes into the "Juan Pablo might take off, can you handle that?" What is it with this guy?  Did Juan Pablo send him out to be the bad guy, plant the seed and force an argument between him and the girls later that gives him an excuse to walk away?  Nikki's response is "a relationship without fights has no passion" which is bullshit.  I'll never buy into the "love hurts" philosophy, or that "you don't care if you don't fight."  It's more of an individual personality thing.  Some people like to fight.  Some people don't.  Doesn't mean either way is right or wrong, or that one style works better than another.  There's my little monologue for the night.

Moving on, we get to listen to the crowd.  Chris Harrison picks out some people to talk to.  The first lady is terrified for the girls, concerned about the family warning the girls off.  He then finds a guy brave enough to admit that he's "Team Nikki" before awkwardly answering a question about his wife.  I'll bet their they're passionate, and yet his wife didn't fly off the handle about him admitting he was "Team Nikki."

Next we get the alumni view of the show.  Kelly is concerned that girls aren't concerned enough, Catherine says that she "likes Juan Pablo as a person" which is stupid because he is a person.  Does this mean she hates him as a dog?  I know I hate those dogs that pretend to be people.  There's our first filler segment that I hated.

Commercial comment - How far has Diddy fallen that he has to have someone else's song be the soundtrack to his own commercial?  C'mon man.

Time for more Clare time - in a helicopter!  ABC almost broke a streak there I think.  Juan Pablo has nothing but good things to say about Clare, but Clare is super pissed off about something Juan Pablo says.  This sounds exactly like what happened with Andi.  Well maybe not.  Apparently Juan Pablo said something perverted to her, and now Clare's ready to bail.  So much for that conversation she had with JP's cousin about hang in in there through the good times and bad.  This is a classic breakup technique - overreact to something minor (I'm assuming it's minor, because unless he said "it's a good thing you're pretty, because I'd never be with you otherwise" how could one comment joking or not derail this so fast) - so that you don't have to explain the real reason you want to break it off.  I've done it before, and I've had it happen to me before.

Clare isn't ready to let it go - she wants Juan Pablo to talk it out.  She says "you made a comment about something we did in private" and how he didn't know know her at all.  Juan Pablo sticks to his guns and refuses to apologize.  Clare apparently thinks that he's only interested in their physical relationship.  Juan Pablo says "I don't need the physical anymore from you."  I want to chalk this up to a language/cultural misunderstanding, but the fact that he's saying "I don't need to touch you anymore five seconds after begging her for some besitos seems disingenuous at best.  Pretty much it sounds like "if you're going to give me an easy way out of this relationship, I'm going to take it, because Nikki has got her life way more together than you do."

Clare doesn't understand why he has doubts.  Let me remind her that she hasn't admitted to him that she loves him yet either.  She keeps reiterating that she is falling in love with her.  They have some sort of conversation about kissing....where Juan Pablo seems to feel he has the upper hand because she "broke the kissing rule."  Neither of them seem to be getting the desired result out of this conversation.  Clare's done with the kissing...she wants serious conversations.  Juan Pablo, who seems to be oblivious to Clare's needs at the moment, says he's going to "move in a little closer."  Clare's still not giving in, so he resorts to a completely new tactic - complete submission.  "I'll put a baby - twins! - in you in 14 months and I'll move to Sacramento!!!"  Clare needs to get some legal advice from Andi, because she clearly doesn't understand that a confession made under duress is not admissible in court.  Juan Pablo then resorts to playing the song that big hairy dude sang to them in the fake snow in LA, which makes Clare all wobbly in the knees and now it's time to make out.  BESITOS FOR EVERYONE!!!

Incredibly, Clare still admits that she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her as much, but she's convinced enough to want to marry the guy.  Back in the arena of the fans, everyone is pissed at Clare for giving in.  C'mon people, what have you seen from her that makes you think she wouldn't fold?

Harrison teases Nikki's date as "a date with the man she THINKS she's in love with."  This can't be good.

Nikki's looking for a little confirmation of his feelings for her.  Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.....You know you're not going to get what you want here.  Juan Pablo does that thing where he asks her what her concerns are, and she says "you seem kind of guarded and you don't really open up."  Juan Pablo says "nope, that's all in your head," or at least that's what his dismissive response implies.  Nikki seems pretty concerned, but not concerned enough to press the issue.  Nikki asks him what he's going to do when he doesn't have a private island anymore.  His answer - "I'll be watching TV in my bed or in my office...probably alone."  OUCH.  At this point I think Juan Pablo is playing a game with all of America - he's trying to singlehandedly destroy the what's left of the fantasy that the Bachelor Franchise peddles.  He's out to prove that whomever the bachelor is just has to be attractive and have a pulse to get these ladies to say yes to whatever he asks.  He wants to show America these girls will accept a proposal from a completely perverted dolt who gives them no positive reinforcement.

Juan Pablo continues to ignore or not pick up on any of the signs that Nikki is putting out there.  She says she's nervous, and rather than put her at ease, he says "I'm nervous too."  She gives him a card telling her how much she loves him, and he says "thank you."  Then, without another word, he kisses her forehead and says "I'll see you tomorrow."  Maybe Juan Pablo thinks he's keeping all of America on the hook by stonewalling both girls so that we have no idea what he's really thinking.  Or maybe he's a moron.  Nikki is left in tears.  Back in the live audience arena, people are not happy.  Their reaction:

Let's finish this off, ok?  Claire finds the largest earrings her ears can support, Nikki's words of excitement definitely don't match the look on her face, and Juan Pablo stares at the ring he got from Neil Lane.  Apparently that conversation didn't go well either, because they cut Neil's face time, which I thought was mandated by their advertising agreement.

Time for one of the ladies to get off the boat, but who is it?  Clare!  Going first usually means you're getting dumped.  The lack of music is kind of making this dramatic.  Now the music is back, and Claire's talking about how she hasn't been in love since before her dad died, and we're back on track with a typical final ceremony.  Clare can barely contain her nerves.  Juan Pablo tells her...well you know what he tells her... and then of course he makes her bare her soul and tell her how awesome he is and how much she believes in him.  Kind of sweet.  He says she's unbelievable and amazing...and he's dumping her.  He goes in for the goodbye hug, and she stops him dead in his tracks and the crowd goes wild.

Time for Clare to start rolling - she's pissed.  She goes off on him, telling him that he could've told her he didn't care for her at any point, which is completely untrue because he has to keep two people to the end because otherwise there wouldn't be a show.  She then gets nasty, telling him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and when he tries to tell her the moment he made his decision, she walks away.  Juan Pablo, in what may be the single greatest moment in the history of this show, casually quips "Glad I didn't pick her!" Unreal...such a petty, bitter statement.  This guy is a world class A-hole.  This guy better hope and pray that Nikki says yes, because I think he might find dating anyone with even a modicum of self respect to be a tough proposition.

I'm imagining Juan Pablo dating some girl who doesn't know he was on the show and thinking he's golden.  Then she googles his name and he's dead meat.  Poor Camilla.  I hope her mom is a steady presence in her life, because this is just a mess.  How can you go on this show when you have a kid?  It's incredibly selfish in my opinion.  You're towing your kid along for one of the most ridiculous rides ever.

I almost forgot we're not done yet.  Nikki gets her time to talk about how much she wants to marry him, and to thank him for being so amazing.  I can't wait to hear her reaction to watching the Clare situation.  But first she says she loves him.  True to form, he tells her he loves "so many things about her."  He's going to let her twist 'til the final second.  Actually he's going to make her twist a little longer than that - he's not proposing.  Not only that, he tells her that HE HAS A RING IN HIS POCKET that he's not going to use.  Way to dangle the carrot in front of her a little longer, Juan Pablo.  If they're still together on the after the final rose I'll be shocked.  Actually, I'm shocked that he didn't show it to her and say "if you play your cards right, Toots, you might see this on your finger, so start putting out and stop asking me about my feelings.  BESITOS NOW, BITCH!"  This guy.....

After the final rose time - and Clare's up first.  She's still mad that she said "tell me if you have any doubts, because if you do I'll leave" and he didn't send her home.  She still seems oblivious to the fact that the show rules all.  Harrison presses her to say what it was he said on the helicopter, and she says "it's not something I care to repeat."  My wife thinks it's because she's going to sell an exclusive story to a tabloid.  Maybe the FCC said "you can't say that on TV!!" although I doubt it, because I watch a lot of shows with censor bars and bleeps.  Maybe it really wasn't that bad, and she realizes that keeping it a secret allows people's minds to run wild.

Claire goes on to say that this was the first time in her life that she was able to stand up to a man like she's some sort of beacon of truth that women can look up to.  Nevermind the fact that she didn't stand up to him until AFTER SHE HAD BEEN DUMPED.  This is why Andi is the next Bachelorette and you aren't....she stood up to him before he had a chance to dismiss her.

Next up is Juan Pablo, who comes out to the most pitiful pity-applause in the history of the show.  He makes sure to get out that he's emotional because of the conflict in Venezuela, which is a nice gesture but also acts as a good way to shield himself from the harshness of the crowd.  Juan Pablo makes a good point in that they take over 600 hours of film and compress it into less than 20 hours, but it's too little too late.  Juan Pablo keeps up the "I'm honest and people are going to get hurt sometimes" routine, and then he says to Chris "so what did Clare say about me?"  Incredible.  This guy is amazing.  He's trolling for information about his ex on live television.

Nikki's up next, and she right of the bat confirms that they're very happy and that she's very much in love, and yet Juan Pablo still hasn't told her he loves her.  She says "it's in his actions - I know he cares about me.  He wouldn't be here if he didn't care about me."  These are the words of a desperate woman.  It's like she's got Stockholm Syndrome or something.

This is officially the most awkward and uncomfortable hour in this show's history.  Even the people who paid to get into the audience don't want to be there anymore.  The big surprise that Chris Harrison has been teasing all night?  It's that Juan Pablo and Nikki are together and happy.  #EPICFAIL.  Juan Pablo just trolled the entire nation for two and a half months.  Chris is demanding Juan Pablo tell America that he loves Nikki.  Juan Pablo says he's not going to say it, and the crowd moans its disapproval.  I'll agree with him on this - the first time he says that he loves her should be to her, not to Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo is now talking about people on message boards saying mean things and this somehow ties into him not saying "I love you."  Sensing his moment to shine, Sean says that "everyone is different and does things differently, but I know that I couldn't wait to tell Catherine I loved her."  The crowd roars its approval, and Juan Pablo is now vilified for not telling Nikki he loves her when he doesn't.  Juan Pablo isn't giving in.  Nikki says the only intelligent thing on this entire hour of television, saying "a lot of people have come up here and said they were in love when it was apparent they weren't."  The audience and the Chris Harrison are out for blood.  They want Juan Pablo to make his grand announcement of love and propose to Nikki on the spot.  Instead, we're left with a pretty complicated scenario that plays out more like "real" relationships do off screen.  Chris Harrison is so pissed, he exits the hot seat arena during the commercial rather than sit around an chat.  Back from commercial, Chris Harrison says "We're back - Nikki is in love, Juan Pablo is in love but won't say it."  Holy crap man, stop badgering the witness.  If he says "I'm not in love with her" you hammer him, and if he says nothing, he's admitting by omission that Chris is right that he's in love and not saying it.

Juan Pablo wants to keep things private.  Sean butts in and says "it's not private after the show." Which is a bit misleading because he went on Dancing with the Stars and had his wedding on national television, and shows up every time the show calls him.  There's plenty of Bachelor alums that are pretty anonymous (anyone know what Tierra is up to today?  What about Courtney Robertson?) by choice.  I have no doubt that if Juan Pablo and Nikki can weather the next six months or so, people will lose interest and move on.  They'll only be in the news if they want to be in the news.

Now we get the worst kept secret in world - Andi is the Bachelorette.  We get to see a nice puff piece of her walking through Atlanta's rougher neighborhoods taking pictures of graffiti with her iPhone and saying things like "I mean, that's just like 'Welcome to the Gang."  I don't like her, but she's not afraid to say what she's thinking, so her season should much different from this season.

Perhaps the perfect way to end this terrible season is this exchange between Chris and Andi:

Chris:  What happens if on the final day you say "I love you, I love you, I love you," and the guy you pick says "I like you a lot?"

Andi:  I'll say "where's the other guy?  Can I have a do-over?"

That's what this show wants.  They want to see two people say they love each other, even if it's not true at all.

Bachelor Women Tell All: Bitches Unite!

Ok, so tonight's the night that everyone goes from pretending Juan Pablo is the greatest man to ever grace the planet to pretending that he's the most self centered, arrogant, soulless d-bag ever to put on pants.  Let's just all agree that the only reason he's on TV is because he has a body most men couldn't get if they lived in a gym and speaks adorably broken English.  OK?  Moving on....

I see one guy in the crowd!  It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap.  OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago.  Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....

Oh no.....

no.....

nonononononononono

Not Catherine and Sean.  Let's talk about them having sex.  Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long!  Hahahahaha.  Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon.  Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon.  Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S.  How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy.  Let's just all pretend that never happened.

Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets.  Let's pretend this never happened either.  I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.

Ok, now it's finally time to start the show.  Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close.  We've got quite a few people we barely remember.  Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is.  This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down.  He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.

Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli.  "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra."  "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus?  Your arguments are invalid Kelly.

A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show.  Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things?  Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler.  The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals.  Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.

Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean.  Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming.  Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this.  That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo.  Incredible.

Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain.  We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember.  They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.

Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis.  It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions.  Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street."  Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down.  Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.

Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not."  Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird."  The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect.  Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.

There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.)  Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo.  My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away?  Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away.  For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot.  Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.

Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite.  She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity.  To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?"  I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.

The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again.  She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be.  So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this.  Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation?  Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space.  At least I hope everyone does that.  Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.

Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!"  With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.

Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd.  He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room.  I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America.  We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case.  We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.

Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people.  Juan Pablo points out that leaving  a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)

In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue.  I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality.  Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now.  Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers.  Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done.  Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them.  We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.

And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other  Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!!  It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest.  His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready."  Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?

Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations.  Glad this season's going to be over soon.  I can't take all the angst.  I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.

Bachelor: Fantasy Suites are Brought to you by the Letters "O" and "K"

Back already?  This season's really racing towards the finish line.  We're off to St. Lucia.  Juan Pablo says "oh St. Lucia, you are so pretty."  Um....Juan Pablo, you know you aren't dating the island right? You're not impressing it with your sultry accent and pouty smile.

Claire is up first, and she tells us that she couldn't have imagined a year ago that she would be in St. Lucia with the man of her dreams falling in love.  She can't think of a more romantic place to get engaged.  I think we've already hit our cliche quota for the whole episode.  Claire's super excited about the day, but she says she's on the fence about spending the night in the fantasy suite.  To that I say bullish*t.  She goes on to explain that she's still thinking about how the late night romp in the ocean in Vietnam, and that she's not sure that they'll set the best example for Camilla.  I get that, but this seems like one of those instances where she'll put up just a modicum of resistance before letting Juan Pablo reassure her that there won't be any cameras and Camilla won't be able to see them do things that would make Tiger Woods blush.  She goes on to say that tonight just may be the perfect time to tell him she loves him...you know, right before she turns down an offer to spend the night.  Riiiiiiiight.

Juan Pablo says that "tonight is a good night to figure out how I feel about Claire, and it's a chance to get to know each other better - a LOT better."  Claire, on the other hand wants to talk about Camilla.  "He wants to find a suitable stepmom for his daughter, and I want to let him know that it's important to me."  Nope, Juan Pablo wants to talk about how preeeeeety your dress is, and how much preeeeetier it will be on the floor at the foot of the bed.  The card comes out, and Juan Pablo defers to Claire, who dredges up the Vietnam conversation again.  I'm sure she's saying something worthwhile, but I'm too distracted by her dangly earrings, which are swinging back and forth like a grandfather clock hopped up on cocaine.  I feel like those earrings are going to have her earlobes touching her shoulders by the end of the night - they look like they weigh a ton.  Predictably, Claire expresses her hesitations, and then immediately accepts the offer to spend the night.  Also predictably, Juan Pablo makes a comment about her preeeeety dress.  Juan Pablo really, really, REALLY wants to hear Claire tell her he loves her.  He's been hounding all the girls for a week or two to give up the goods.  Claire obliges, giving her best duck face as she says "I'm loving falling in love with you."  That leads to some making out, and Claire saying that Juan Pablo "melted her."  I know someone else who melted..... I don't think it's necessarily a good thing.  More hot tub making out...and we're left to wonder what happened in the fantasy suite.  (They totally did it.)

Time for Andi's fantasy date.  She's taken to a local seafood fiesta, where they play the drums with some local musicians.  Juan Pablo says that "if I want someone to just go with the flow, Andi's the girl."  Because so many times Juan Pablo's had a girl turn down his idea for a date because she didn't feel up to it.  After drum time, Juan Pablo starts feeding some local children in one of the weirdest scenarios I've ever seen.  A few weeks ago we were stuck at the San Francisco Airport for half a day, and there was this dad there that was just out there high fiving random kids and having conversations with them like they were old friends, and it was super uncomfortable.  I love kids, but there's got to be a feeling out period.  You don't just go buy a kid a lemonade because you're sitting at the same table as them.  Maybe that's just me.

After some pick-up soccer, Juan Pablo squires his lady away in a dune buggy to a waterfall.  They recap their time with Andi's family, where Juan Pablo recaps his conversation with her dad in one of the worst American accents ever.  It sounded nothing like her dad....pretty comical.  Then they strip off their clothes and frolic around under the waterfall.  Well, Juan Pablo keeps kissing Andi's neck.  She just kinda sits there and lets him nibble.  Later on at dinner, Juan Pablo tells Andi that he's been thinking about her saying "I want badly to fall in love" and how he doesn't want this to feel forced.  Basically he's looking for her to say that she loves him.  She just says that she does want to love him, but she's not going to force it for his daughter's sake.  He's satisfied, she seems happy, but then she needles him about what else he is concerned about.  Here we go.  She keeps asking him what he thinks about and he says he thinks about a lot of things....among them if she's going to be a good mother.  His answer - "I don't know."  Yikes, not a good sign for Andi.   He didn't exactly give her a ringing endorsement there.  Fantasy Suite Card comes out, and Andi says "if this is a relationship you're serious about" and Juan Pablo says "absolutely, we can answer a lot of your questions."  The mood going into her fantasy suite is much different than it was with Claire.  This seems less.....fun.  It seems more like a closed door business negotiation than "OHMIGOD THE CAMERAS ARE FINALLY GONE LET"S DO THIS."  Nonetheless, Andi is on "Cloud 9.  But not for long......

Juan Pablo wakes up, and is pretty happy about how the night went.  They talked for hours and hours and laughed....everything is great!  But...where is Andi?  Oh she's on a spirit walk.  She couldn't wait to get out of there.  The night was a disaster, and she really hopes he didn't think that was a good date.  Well I think we can rule out a made for TV wedding between these two.  Andi JUST NOW started to realize that Juan Pablo always changed the subject when she brought up feelings or serious questions.  Andi's not dumb....she's been looking for a way out for a long time, but needed to wait until the cameras were off.  She's been totally fine with everything we've seen from Juan Pablo all season.  She needed some time away from the camera so nobody could refute her version of what happened.  She's a lawyer, she didn't want a smoking gun where we could see her laughing and snuggling all night while Juan Pablo talked about himself.  She just found her get out of jail free card.

I'm sure we'll get back to this later, but it's time for Nikki's da....OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING?  She looks like she's getting ready to star in a Native American themed Pornographic Film.  Pocohontas.....more like Poke-a-Hot-Ass, Amirite?  Juan Pablo says she smiled when she saw her family, and she smiled when she got here today, so he knows she's excited.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.  They kiss as Nikki tries to reassure herself that Juan Pablo's kisses are his way of saying he loves her.  They then run out into the ocean - well Juan Pablo runs into the ocean.  Nikki sort of wades out into a wave before getting shoved back to shore like a piece of drift wood.  THE WAVE IS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP, NIKKI!  Hesitation will take you back to the beginning.  You need to dive into it fearlessly if you want to reach the calm, peaceful waters.  Anyone who's watched this show knows that!  Her fantasy suite deliberation lacks any hesitation however.  While Claire and Andi expressed reservations before accepting, Nikki was practically grabbing the key and heading for the room before the whole card has been read.   Despite her eagerness, she needs to sit pensively on the couch and bite her lip for a while before finally outright saying "I love you."  That's a win for Nikki right there.  Claire kind of hedged by saying "I'm loving falling in love with you" and Andi...well apparently Andi hates his guts, so I'll say Nikki's the front runner here.

Time for some deliberation with Chris Harrison. Juan Pabs is conflicted.  Juan Pablo says he "feels good."  Chris says "what does that mean?"  Juan Pablo replies, "it means I feel good about the girls."  Glad we got that cleared up.  Further muddling things, Juan Pablo says he "has no idea" what he's going to do.  Probably not a good sign that he doesn't have a front runner at this point.  He can see himself with any one of the three.  "Ay yay yay" he says for the hundredth time this episode, so you know how serious he is about this.  Time for the girls to leave  him a personal message.  Nikki's is pretty standard, she's glad she got to tell him she loves him, she's honored that she got to meet his family, and she's excited about where this is going.   Claire goes into her whole "this is a fairy tale" thing.  Andi is smiling as she goes into her video....clearly she's enjoying this.  This is her end game.  This is her moment where she takes control of the situation and leaves on her terms and lets the whole country know that she won't be "one of many" to any man.  I only wonder how long she's been planning this.  Again, there's no tears.  There's no "I trusted him and he betrayed me."  This is a power play, plain and simple.  I don't think she can sit there and talk about Juan Pablo being dishonest when it's pretty clear to me that she's been playing along the whole time.

Andi is going to follow Sharleen's lead, only she's not going to handle it with half the grace that Sharleen did.  She leads right off with "I realized I wasn't in love with you."  Juan Pablo, says "that's OK...if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be."  Andi is not happy that Juan Pablo is taking this so well.  She's pissed that he's not begging her to stay.  This is not how she saw this going.  I'm on Juan Pablo's side here.  But she missed weddings to fly around the world with him!  Everything that Pabs is saying makes sense...right up until he says "you only have to think about one guy....I've got other people to think about."  That might not have been the best thing to say.  "But you never listened to me!" she whined.  She's mad that he brought up he had an overnight date with Claire.  I'd counter that it can go two ways...to pretend that nothing is going on with the other girls is a little disingenuous and can backfire as well.  She wants Juan Pablo to "feel something."  Well, he feels angry.  He's had enough of being attacked.  They have some discussion that involves Renee and him saying "default." I didn't really understand what they were talking about.  Andi then goes on about how he doesn't know her religion, her political views, how she wants to raise her children.  Juan Pablo says "if I don't know those things, it's because you didn't tell me."  Juan Pablo then hilariously asks her "fine then, what's my religion?"  Andi fires back "Catholic" to which Juan Pablo has no response.  He really walked into that one.  According to Wikipedia, 92% of Venezuela is Catholic, so she didn't even need to know to get that one right.  Oops.  Andi again waits for him to try to talk her out of this or something, but he says "I appreciate your honesty 100%, thanks for coming."  Well there you go.

Honestly, I think she was going home this week anyways, so this really didn't change the game at all anyways.  Andi says "nobody wants to be with someone who is that honest and puts you down."  I'm not sure I ever saw him put her down.  I'm sure she took some stuff as disrespectful and hurtful, but I didn't get that.  Andi tries to self-diagnose the situation in the van, and she does a pretty good job when she says "are my standards so high that I'll never find what I'm looking for?"  My guess is...yep.

Back from commercial, and Juan Pablo does kind of get one final jab in at Andi by saying "she wanted to go home, but I have other women here, so it's OK." The way he said it made it clear he knew that would drive her up a wall that he used that phrase.  Andi, who apparently is taking the van all the way around the island, is still whining about how rude and awful Juan Pablo was to her, and that she hopes for everyone's sake he treats Nikki and Claire differently.

Chris drops the bomb on Nikki and Claire that they are the two final contestants, and Nikki wants answers.  She needs to know why.  My question for her is "why do you care?"  Clearly you didn't want her to be here instead of you, so what does it matter.  You'd think that a smile would come across her face after the initial shock wore off, but no.  "It's bittersweet because I'm sad for Andi."  Really?  Claire has a more rational reaction:  "Nikki and I are completely different women, so it's interesting that we're the two left."  Agreed, but it fits with my belief that there's not one type of woman or one specific woman that people are "meant to be with."  It's ok to love two different types of women.  When I think about the women I dated before I met Rachel, it's almost comical how different they are from her.  And you know what?  I honestly liked them all, in part because of the things that differentiated them from other women.  Peanut butter and chocolate is amazing, but then again it goes well with jelly too.  Remember that, y'all.