Bachelorette Finale Part One: This better be dramatic

Well it's been billed as the most dramatic bachelorette finale since....the last bachelorette finale, right?  After weeks upon weeks of tears and slow violin music, we're finally ready to find out who does who wrong here.  Does Brooks walk away?  Does her brother return to saBROtage (see what I did there?) her chance at love again?  Does Drew finally admit that he's more into Chris Harrison?  Let's get this on.....

....but first let's have twenty-five minutes of recapping all the crap we've rehashed over and over and over throughout the season.  At least we got to see WAN PAAABLO again, albeit briefly.  That guy is almost a no-brainer for next bachelor, right?  He's gotta be the first person they ask...even before the weepy guitar playing sno-cone penguin Zak, right?

Des is still recapping her three finalists in the "There's Chris, and here's six compliments about him, but then there's Drew, and here's EIGHT compliments about him, but of course then there's Brooks, and here's forty-seven things I love about Brooks because he's the most perfect man EVER" style

Seriously, what is so amazing about him?  He is a nice guy and I guess somewhat attractive, but their conversations (at least the one's they've shown) haven't seemed all that intellectual or deep.  And apparently it's BROOKS that is the subject of all the angst.  A quick teaser of him telling his family he's uncomfortable proposing and then straddling the fence on his feelings about Des in a conversation with Chris....you just KNEW that with all the "I'm in love with Brooks and this competition is close to over" comments Des has made over the past few episodes this wasn't going to end well, right?  I think I've said before that I just didn't see the chemistry between them despite what they were saying, so I really should have seen this coming.  Also, I should've known that the brother lurking in the lobby when Brooks was walking through was some sort of foreshadowing.  That scene made absolutely no sense when it was shown, but if Brooks dumps Des, then "the crazy brother was right about this guy all along" aspect comes into play.

Of course, ABC doesn't take us right to the Brooks drama, and makes us suffer through a boring Drew date first.  Let's tour Antigua together, and have a large black man intimidate them into kissing in public.  I think all he had to do was say "kiss...kiss....ROB A LIQUOR STORE!" and they would've done it.

Des leads Drew down a path which Drew calls a path to (double entendre alert) a "secret garden." Sorry Drew, that comes later on tonight in the fantasy suite.  Instead you're going to talk about how much Des loved your family and smooch a little bit.

Back from commercial, they're still kissing, but the weather has changed and it's now night time.  Rain has washed out their dinner, but that's not going to ruin Des' date.  "Rain will not ruin my night with Drew" she says emphatically.  She then puts the cart before the horse and brings him into the fantasy suite before asking him if he wants to join her in the fantasy suite.  Drew then finds twenty-six different ways to say yes.  Des then goes through how her ex-boyfriend never expressed his feelings, at which point Drew says "well I totally don't have a problem telling you how I feel!"  Which completely misses the point that she already knew that and was illustrating why Drew is still around at this point.  What a dummy.  I will say this for Drew though, he's laying it all out there.

Alright...here we go!  Brooks apparently is really struggling with having an overnight date with Des.  They haven't really said this, but Brooks has to be Mormon right?  He's from Utah, he has a huge family, and some of those family members live in Idaho....is he going to play the religion card at this point?  Seems kinda sketchy to bring morals and values into the game at this stage, right?  He's never given any indication that he wasn't 100% into Des, has he?  We went through that whole "we're jogging, and we're almost at the finish line" junk.  I remember him saying how happy he was to hear that Des was almost at the finish line with him.

Brooks then goes through all the things he loves about Des and his mom and sister echo all those things, but all of a sudden the love isn't there.  This seems pretty crazy.  I love that Brooks asks his family how he has this conversation with Des.  When his mom says "you have to be honest," he almost sounds disappointed.  What, was he hoping that they were going to help him craft some sort of elaborate breakup story?  "So, I can't marry you because...ummm...because it turns out that I have a wife that I thought drowned ten years ago (surprise!)...yeah, and she's had amnesia for the past decade, but she just was struck by lightning and now she remembers me....yeah...so I can't marry you, sorry!"  What the hell man?

Chris has his date, and he spends more time describing the colors of the waters around Antigua than he does talking about Des.  I'll bet he's written some killer poems about that water.  After a helicopter ride to a private beach (yawn) Des proposes a toast.  Does she toast to their relationship, or to Chris?  Nope...she toasts to the beach!  Not a good sign, Christopher.  Chris then offers Des a piece of fruit, and Des says "When in Antigua..." and Chris follows in Drew's footsteps by saying something that doesn't need to be said.  "...Do as Antiguans do!" he gushes.  There's no ending to that saying, Chris!  Everyone knows what "when in (fill in a location)" means!  Nobody says "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."  It's just "when in Rome."  Bonus points if you use "When in Rome" no matter what city you're in.  If someone offers to take you deer hunting in Wisconsin and you say "when in Rome," then you've just moved up a few spots on my list of favorite people.  Apologies to people who say "for intensive purposes," but you're getting dropped.

Odds a poem is recited at this dinner?  I'd say 85%.  Chris may not get the chance though, because he makes the bold step of stating his desire to continue to live in Seattle.  Des is definitely not feeling this, and tries to hint to Chris that if she really loved him, he'd be willing to sacrifice and move for her.  Chris  misreads this and think she's talking about herself, so Chris barrels ahead, and Des decides to not completely ruin the mood and kill the fantasy suite portion and just flat out lies through her teeth by saying she'd be open to living in Seattle.

Also what the hell is that noise in the background of this conversation?  It's was this screechy noise that sounds something like a wind chime gone horribly wrong.  I'm glad that's over....but nope!  Here comes our poem!

Methinks Chris was ready to move on to the sexytime portion of our date, because he read that poem in record time.  It was basically just six sentences strung together with nothing significant about them.  I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but he didn't even try to throw in any horrible metaphors or similes this time.

Ok Brooks, let's get down to business.  Des can't even contain her smile as she's getting dressed and ready for this date, but Brooks is having a much different emotion going on....who better to discuss this with than the recently divorced Chris Harrison?  Brooks basically sounds like he didn't realize that marriage was a possibility at the end of this show until just now.  Chris asks him if he's not sure if he's in love or if he's just not in love with her.  Brooks says "hmmm....I'm not sure."  What a maroon.  Either you're in love with her or you're not.  Brooks then says some bullshit about love having a feeling of pain associated with it.  I don't even know what to say about that.  People who associate love with pain are the kind of people who beat their girlfriends and then say that they did it because they love them so much it hurts to see them look at other people.  Brooks then goes through all this garbage about how "the last thing he wants to do is hurt Des" which always seems funny when you know exactly what you're going to do is going to crush her.  Although then again, he's only been dating her for a couple months, so if you think about it a "real world" perspective, telling your non-exclusive girlfriend of two and a half months that you don't see a marriage in the cards for the two of you isn't that big of a deal.

Poor Des is gushing about how awesome this date is going to be and fantasizing about Brooks proposing and everything else.  This is going to be rough.  Buckle up Des!  No kissy kissy this time...and Des immediately knows something's up.  "It's amazing how you know right away that something's wrong," Brooks says.  Well, the not going in for the kiss thing is a pretty big giveaway Brooksy.  Brooks is awful at breaking up with people.  Brooks keeps talking about how amazing Des is, and how shocked he was to have a good first date.  Finally he gets to the point, but only when Des shows him the way.   Once Des says something about losing the feeling of love when they're apart, he goes 'yeah, that's what's happening."  Des finally truly grasps what's happening and starts crying.  Brooks, showing just how stupid he really is, says "please don't cry...why are you crying?"  Des is starting to get into the anger stage here and I'm fearing for Brooks' safety.  It's only a fleeting moment though before sadness overtakes the anger again and she curls up into a ball and cries it out.  Des tells Brooks she loves him, and all of a sudden Brooks is like "why didn't you say so earlier?" as if that would've made a difference.  Total D-bag move.  You can't break up with someone then say "well if you'd done this or that, things would've been totally different.  You don't get to end a relationship that's had absolutely no disagreements or bad times and not own every part of the breakup.  I award you no points, Brooks.

To hammer his idiocy home, Brooks says "it sucks that there's nothing I can say...." and then continues to talk.  He knows that nothing he says is going to make her feel better, and yet he continues to shower her with compliments.  Just go man.  Instead he's treating this like it was some sort of elaborate test to see just how much she cared about him, and he's hoping to be able to say "you passed the test!  I will stay with you!"  You're done bud.  There's no coming back from this.  You better hope your next girlfriend didn't watch this, either.  I think he even asked her  what she was going to do...as if she has any reason to tell him.  He just wanted to hear her say that she had feelings for one of the other guys and that they could console her.  No luck buddy.  Now he's crying because he didn't want to say goodbye, and yet that's exactly what he came here to do.  How did he see this going?  Was he expecting a "awwww, thanks for coming out here buddy....no hard feelings, ok?"

As if to add inslut to injury, Brooks has now put her in the awful position of having to do the same thing he just did to her TWICE with two other guys.  You had to live through that conversation once, Brooks.  She's going to have to do it three times.

Unless of course she realizes between now and next Monday that she actually loved Chris all along, and he's been the one from the beginning and Brooks was just an obstacle on their journey to true happiness.  Because nothing about this show makes a lick of sense.

Bachelorette Week 7: Madeira makes Michael call his Mommy

Well from a Bachelor party over the weekend to the Bachelorette!  I'm flying solo tonight with the family in Wisconsin, so I can't use the "only watch this show because my wife watches it" excuse anymore.  So here I sit in a pair of basketball shorts eating watermelon and watching very bad reality television.  You know what?  Couldn't be happier!

Well I'm hoping to get some answers to questions I had at the end of last weeks episode.  Why are all the guys crying?  Why does Des like Drew so much?  When is Juan Pablo coming back?  And why the heck is Lawyer Mike still around?

Sadly, it looks like very few of those questions will be answered tonight.  We're off to Madeira.  I swear last week they said they were going to Majorca, but whatever.  Apparently Des brought all the guys there on a yacht.  Five guys and one dude on a boat?  Psshht...we had 12 guys and one girl on a boat MUCH smaller than this at C-Runk's bachelor party this weekend.  Amateurs.

The week before hometowns always bring the pressure - people start realizing that their parents are going to be meeting this girl, and they almost take the process seriously for the first time.  Des brought out three girls from her past season, including one of my favorites - the smoking hot but incredibly boring Jackie.  Catherine is also there to dish on her relationship with Sean.  Des asks what's up with the two of them, and Catherine gives the most unemotional response ever.  "it's been a whirlwind that hasn't ended yet. He wanted a best friend, I wanted a best friend, and that's what we got.  The last thing he said to me was 'give Des good advice.'"  Nice change of subject, Catherine.  It sounded like the answer you would give when someone asked you about your marriage after 10 years, not three months of engagement.  Also, I'm pretty sure the whirlwind has stopped.  I haven't heard Sean or Catherine's names in months.

Des starts dishing on the guys.  A recap:

• Chris is supportive without having to say anything
• Brooks is positive, adventurous, and fun
• Michael is a federal prosecutor - genuine guy
• Zak is adventurous and reflective
• Drew is sweet, but she doesn't see any spice

Out of that group, I'd say Michael the Lawyer might be in trouble.  Her description of him was that he had a job.  After some more deliberation, the guys walk out to play at the pool, and the girls go super creepy stalker and break out the binoculars and judge the guys on their bodies.  Brooks is chastised for wearing a tank top, and then it's on to focusing on how many guys Des kissed again.

What the hell, ABC?  Why are we focusing on this so much with Des?  I haven't noticed her kissing any more people than any other Bachelorette or Bachelor.  Is this some sort of thing where we're trying to hammer home to TV viewers that Des is not just a cute, innocent girl?  Why we gotta make her look like a slut?  After she gives "best kisser" to Drew, Catherine asks "which guy has the biggest (-----)?" to which Des replies, "I dunno, probably Chris!" to which the girls say "hey, you never know!"  So I guess that means that Chris looks like a guy with a small package.  Good luck overcoming that stigma, buddy!

Brooks humblebrags that he's been on so many group dates, he's forgotten how to act on single dates....the implication that he's the first dude to get a second one-on-one date.  Des whisks him away in  a tiny European car, and they cruise out to some cliffs overlooking the water.  Brooks is an idiot. Just once I'd like to hear some sort of insightful statement from him.  Instead we get "thanks for inviting me on this date," and "we're not above the clouds and not below the clouds...we're like in the clouds!"  Des makes a lame "we didn't just have a breakthrough in the clouds, we had a breakthrough in our relationship!"  I still don't see it.  I just don't get them as a couple.  Des apparently does though.  She says "picture the best dream you've ever had, then times it by ten, then live it, and that's where I am."  After that endorsement, you'd think Brooks is your favorite right?  I think that might be Des' version of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you."  She'll say something just as over the top about the next guy too I'm sure.

Back at the house, the guys are anxiously awaiting the date card.  After Chris Harrison drops off a note on a small table and ding-dong ditches the guys, it is revealed that the next date will go to Chris...who apparently did an internal Tiger Woods fist pump.  Back on the date, Des toasts to "one of the best dates she's ever been on."  Brooks starts talking about how "he's not lose to his family just because they're his family."  So all the rest of us who think we're close to our family are wrong?  This is just a bizarre monologue.  Basically all he's saying is that he worries that Des doesn't want to meet his family, and doesn't want to bring home a girl that's just keeping him around because ABC won't let her cut him loose yet.  They then talk about how there are stages between like and love, and then equate them to speeds: stepping, skipping, running and finish line!  Des says she's starting to run, and Brooks is elated. S"he said she's running, and I feel like that was an honest response.  I want to start running too!" Ugh.  Also, his sweater and her dress get an "ugh."  Cue the fireworks!  Des loves that he wanted her to meet his family....as if he's going to say no.  

Next up is Chris.  He's apparently clueless as to why the date card said "let's SEA if we can find love." So the idea that you might be going out on a boat never crossed your mind, buddy?  The guys go watch  them walk off and Brooks says "oh good they're not holding hands!"  Seriously?  You're trying to glean something from their body language?  Immediately Chris grabs her hand, and Brooks gets all frowny face.  Michael says he'll break his fingers, which is a lie.  He'd coerce Mikey or James to break them for him.  He's a lawyer, right?

Chris finally grasps the "we're going on a boat" concept, and shows genuine emotion for the first time on the show.  He says "we're going to be chilling boat style, drinking some vino...." I think I liked boring Chris better.  Des asks Chris if he's the same around her as he is around his friends, and he says 100%, well..I'm not hugging everyone and holding their hands."  Goes without saying buddy.  Sometimes less is more.  During their picnic, Chris brings out a bottle and says "we're going to do a message in a bottle, but we're going to write a poem together."  GAG ME NOW.  

Experiences we share together

keep the memories close to heart

so that with time

our love never parts

No matter the distance or hours away

know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you

just as the waves crash into the shore

I long for the day I'll be with your forevermore.

That poem looks like it was written by two people that were hours apart and couldn't communicate.  Some lines are short, some are long.  Some rhyme, some don't.  Also, ending it with "forevermore" gives it a real Edgar Allen Poe-y feeling to me, and that's not a good thing.  I'm not a fan of their poetry.  Actually, I'm not a big fan of any poetry.  It's all too flowery and over the top for me.  Except haikus.  Haikus are awesome.  Here's a Bachelorette Haiku for you.

Des kisses many men

Their man junk she dreams about

Stab me with a knife

At dinner, Chris is nervous.  He's trying to tell her he loves her, but of course the only way he can do it is through the power of poetry.

Individually Defined

The strongest word with so much meaning

hard to say without a stammer

but when expressed with true feeling

sincere, for no other word can mean so much more

like the time we had atop the hotel

seventeen above

feelings had changed and were oh so real

meant to be is how I feel

our hearts are open

words expressed by you

feelings I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

appreciate your emotion you have shown

and I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

Expressed in writing 

and felt through touch

enjoy this moment

and embrace this rush

The strongest word with so much meaning

not so hard to believe its true

our hearts are open and in each kiss

I truly mean that I love you.

I guess it's the sentiment that counts, but man is that tough to read.  Des loves it.  She's blown through the roof and wasn't expecting him to say the big "L."  She's pretty happy, and her every kiss seems to say "Brooks who?"  Chris thinks he's found "the one."  Des has no words, since she seems intent on kissing Chris for the rest of her life.

Time for a date with Michael now.  Des would love having Michael in her life.  "I feel like we would have a blast together, he would have my back...I feel like he has all the qualities that would make a loyal, trustworthy husband."  You take out the word husband, and you could replace it with "Labradoodle." Seriously she just described all the qualities I'm looking for in the next pet for our family.

Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 criteria for the perfect woman.  I'm not sure what she sees in this guy.  So far he's shown only that he's a petulant tattletale who likes to back people into a corner.  Des, who apparently picked up on none of that, says that he's "the sweetest person she's ever met."  So that makes two guys that are "the sweetest person in the world."  I think they should fight for that title.  Next, it's time for two guys dressed like ice cream vendors to shove them down a hill on a couch.  What the hell is going on?  Michael gets the short straw and has to equate love to couch bobsledding.  I really love that these two guys have to push them all the way down the hill.  What kind of job is that?  "Oh, I push people on couches down hills.  It's really tough, because if you don't steer them correctly, the couch will bump into the curb at a low rate of speed."  

After a wardrobe change (Michael goes for sport coat, v-neck and jeans while Des opts for denim jacket over form fitting white dress.  Advantage, Desiree.  Michael says that date exceeded his expectation, and that he had so much fun.  Des says "awww............thanks."  Clearly, she was looking for more.  

Time for Michael to tell his sob story about being the product of a broken home with diabetes.  It's prepared him to be a good dad apparently.  Des seems content, but is definetly not feeling it the way she was on the other two dates.  My hypothesis is that she picked two one-on-one dates with her front runners, then gave the third to Michael because she knows this week she won't have to straight up diss him and listen to him try to lawyer his way out of it.  We'll see if I'm right.  Also, Michael apparently found out via a Facebook photo that his girlfriend had moved on.  Ouch.

As they wander through the streets, they come across an old women wailing away to some opera music.  They sort of stand there with an arm around each other and then finally give each other little pecks on the cheek.  I'm convinced now.  She wants Michael as a friend, but not as a lover.  He's her labradoodle.

Drew's super confident, which is funny since the previews make it look like he's not anywhere near 100% committed to this process.  Good times.  Zak sums up the absurdity of the show perfectly:  "I'm 100% in love with this woman.  I've known her for WEEKS."  Alrighty then....time for some European go-karting!  Des is ready to see the guys let loose and show her their fun sides.  Zak says "there's so many twist and turns that complicate this track..."  So basically it's not a straight line.  

After some warm-up laps, Des pits the two bros against each other, and ABC hilariously makes them talk to the cameras while wearing the helmets.  As they whip around the track, Drew tells us how the feeling you get from love is similar to the feeling from racing around the track.  Not to be outdone, Zak says the same thing in slightly different words.  Drew is bummed that he loses the race, but then issues a warning.  "I have the upmost respect for Zak, but I'm going to go above and beyond to show her how I feel."  Does Drew have a few cards up his sleeve to play?  Find out after the break!

Zak's "prize" for winning is the first time with Des.  That seems like a pretty crappy prize....you're not getting anything extra.  And, Drew gets the opportunity to leave the last impression before she gets the rose.  Drew turns on the charm, showing her his drawings and talking about how it symbolizes the feelings he felt when he kissed her.  Zak played that well.

Drew's turn.  Come, let's sit on a flimsy blanket atop some old Firestone tires!  Des really tries to get Drew to be flirty with her, but he's not going for it.  He's in total serious mode.  He wants Des to meet his sister.  Des is looking right at Drew, but he's looking at the ground.  Like, seriously not looking at her at all.  I'm really confused by this fella.  The words coming out of his mouth do not jive with they way he's saying them.  But Des is smitten.  She's all about the kissing, and Drew drops in a "I've fallen for you" which is the poor man's "I love you."  

While Drew seems to think that he'll get another chance to say "I love you" later on, Zak feels like it wasn't even necessary to say, because he was so smooth.  Rose goes to Drew, for sharing a heart wrenching story about his sister having a severe mental handicap.  Aside from the obvious reasons I would never be on the Bachelor (happily married, lacking a six-pack), I feel like I'd be instantly disqualified because I feel largely unaffected by my parents splitting up and because I have all my limbs and am not related to anyone with a deformity or handicap.  It's like a requirement now that you talk about some struggle in your life.  If you've led a happy life, you're at a serious disadvantage, so much so that you need to exploit the memory of a deceased relative or blow some unhappy moment out of proportion just to garner a sympathy rose.  Otherwise, you're seen as "not opening up."  It's a great show to watch, but seriously would it be worth it to be a part of this?

After a montage of the guys packing their bags, Des deliberates with Chris.  This is the best week she's had, which makes sense because she's more comfortable with the guys.  Chris reminds Des that she's about to break someone's heart (probably).   He brings up the fact that she'd never been to Europe again, and Des talks about how she never imagined that she'd get to travel overseas as a part of the Bachelorette.  Chris asks about the guys, and Des says that Drew is the best looking guy she's ever seen, and he's so sincere.  She then drops a bomb and has moved from running to the finish line with Brooks.  Then she starts crying.  Holy crap...how is this guy the first to win her heart?  He's so boring!  I also think this is a first for a bachelor/ette to admit to loving one of the contestants before the final rose.  Interesting.  Chris asks if the competition is over, and Des isn't ready to say that...yet.  She's still giving Chris a chance at least.  So basically it looks like all Brooks has to do is not screw up, and he'll win.  Either that, or she's giving Chris a chance to dramatically improve his poetry and seal the deal.

In the end, it's Michael the Labradoodle that gets sent packing, as I thought.  He should really be proud of the fact that he was able to lawyer his way into the final five, because he really had no business being there.  Des gets to give Michael the traditional "you're such a special guy" send-off.  He gets the "we have a great friendship" line, and then Des smartly just shakes her head and says "I dunno."  Might be the first genuine send-off ever.  Michael's still laying on the charm trying to sway her, saying things like "no girl is going to compare to you."  Guess he's going to have to settle with looking for a girl with only 47 out of 47 perfect woman categories.

He's grumpy in the limo, talking about how he's tired of being rejected, then says "this would've made his mom's life."  He then calls his mom from the limo!  His mom says "here we go again!"  Best line ever from a mom!  That just made this entire episode worth it.  So much behind those four words!  Then Michael moans 'maybe I'm just never meant to have a family!"  Oh god, cry me a river!

Next week, the return of Des' brother!  Also, there's absolutely no indication we'll get to see any of the man crying that was teased on last week's episode.  ABC's again found a way to keep me in the game to the very end.

A Twittering of a Bachelor Party for the Bros

This weekend was my brother Colin's bachelor party.  Being that I didn't know many of the guys going, and being one of only two married guys on the trip and the only person who didn't drink, I was slightly apprehensive going into the weekend.  Would I have fun?  Would the fact that I didn't drink and had a wife to answer to at home bring down the overall enthusiasm of the rest of group?  I wasn't sure, but I figured my contribution would be to drive the RV so the rest of them could drink to their livers content and not worry about driving home.  The plan was to spend the 4th of July at Gearhart beach and then take an RV over to a cabin near Odell Lake in Central Oregon the rest of the weekend. Below are some tweets from the weekend, which we tagged #allthebros

If you're missing a bro, he's probably here. We've got all of them. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

So....don't start charcoal briquettes with something called "stove and lantern fuel." #smallfire #undercontrol #4thOfJuly
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

This was no joke....the grass and sand in the backyard of this house was ablaze after people got impatient lighting briquettes.  I actually had someone hand me a couple of red solo cups and say "hey buddy, if you've got extra hands, we've got a fire out back and we could use all the water you can carry."  I'm not sure what my 24 ounces of water was going to do, but he certainly seemed to think it would make all the difference.

Wtf #allthebros pic.twitter.com/5zWrCpCV8W
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 5, 2013

That was pretty much the standard Bro attire for this beach party.

A bro just suggested it'd be awesome to launch fireworks at a cop when his back is turned and then look the other way. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

This beach is PACKED with people launching "illegal" fireworks. Not everyone is making it back to the house alive. #allthebros #gearhart
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

I don't know if any of you have ever been to Gearhart for the 4th of July, but it's insane.  People everywhere.  There's cars parked on the beach, and everyone brings an insane amount of illegal fireworks.  There's groups of people ever 50-60 feet or so setting off fireworks in the dark.  On the beach.  Many of these fireworks need to be anchored so they can launch into the air.  When you're drunk and lighting fireworks with either a lighter or, in the case one particularly drunk bro, a campfire in the middle of dozens of people, you don't have time to anchor your firework properly.  This led to fireworks tipping over on the their sides or firing off a low angles directly over people's heads.  I saw one guy light a firework no more than five feet from a group of people walking back to their car who had no idea he was there.  You know, because it's pitch black and he's wearing dark clothing.  While lighting fireworks.  It's the most unsafe situation you can imagine.  It's miraculous that nobody got hurt.

Lots of high fives after using a lighter to set fireworks off. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

There is no regard for your fellow Americans on this beach. I just had a lit Roman candle pointed at me. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

It's kind of like that movie where all crime is legalized for 24 hours down here. Natural selection may in play tonight. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

Like I said, it was scary.  It got increasingly scarier as the night wore on.

Not looking forward to the morning #allthebros pic.twitter.com/0k8eXDQxv9
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 5, 2013

The aftermath of the beach party.

I may or may not have removed the headrest from an SUV as a pillow last night while sleeping in a tent with three other bros. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

I am not an experienced bro partier.  I brought a sleeping bag, but no tent and no headrest.  I had to bum a spot in a tent and hijack a "pillow" from Grant's car.

How bros roll. #BROterhome #allthebros pic.twitter.com/xaOpd9MfHw
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

Now the real bachelor party began.  We shed some of the excess bros and got down to a core group of 10 or 12 guys and headed for Odell Lake....well sort of.

#brotrip off to rough start. Drove from Wilsonville to Portland to pick up stray bros. Now heading to Eugene. #poorplanning #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 5, 2013

After about seven very disorganized conversations, we decided to meet up with a few guys who were driving separately in Portland, with the idea of swinging by the Warm Springs casino on our way before hitting Bend and then rolling down to Odell Lake.  Once we met up with them, we finally realized that they didn't want to go to the casino and Bend on the way, because then they wouldn't be able to drink all night.  So we then headed right back down I-5 South.  It was about an hour detour that never needed to happen.

Rick Ross pandora, dice games, and hella beerz!!!! #BROterhome #allthebros
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 6, 2013

This tweet is EXACTLY what the 3 hour drive to Odell Lake was like, and really is how you could sum up the entire weekend in 140 characters or less.

How bros camp. #allthebros pic.twitter.com/6NrRAV1RAh
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 6, 2013

This house was AWESOME.  The garage had a separate apartment above it, complete with fridge and dishwasher.  The view off the back deck was spectacular.  I was pretty jealous that I didn't have access to a house like this all the time.

We are getting ready to head out in Bend. It's almost ten. We're an hour away. I'm too old for this. #brosohard #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 6, 2013

It was closer to an hour and a half.  I haven't done something like that in over a decade.  I was struggling.

I've been riding dirtbags my whole life. #stripperquotes #BROterhome #allthebros
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 6, 2013

I believe her actual quote was "I've been riding dirt bikes my whole life," but you get the idea.  Yes, we ended up at a "gentleman's club" in Bend.  It was the third time in my life I've been to one of these houses of ill repute, and probably my last.  It was entertaining, but in all the wrong ways.  I found a comfortable spot on a couch in a corner and tried to keep to myself, but it's impossible in a place like that where the ladies are doing their best to separate your money from your wallet.  One thing I learned is that I'm horrible at talking to strippers.  I tried to talk to them like actual people, but they're like actors who refuse to break character.  One girl came over to me and said "you know that dream everyone has where they're naked in front of a group of people in public?  It's funny, I don't have that dream anymore!"  I was dumbfounded.  Like what do you say to that?  I mumbled something about how it probably feels less weird with every day, and she got the hint that I wasn't interested in talking about her disrobing anymore, she quickly moved on.  Later on in the night, another girl comes over and starts chatting with us.  She said something about asking her anything, because she always tells the truth.  I said something about that being an admirable quality, and she says "well, when I used to be a really good liar, but when I was ten I got caught telling a lie and my daddy disciplined me real good, and I haven't lied since.  I don't know if she was telling the truth or lying, but either way, it was one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.  I think she intended it to be sexy, since I got the impression that everything they do is supposed to be sexy.  It was anything but.  She went by the name Vixen, and was impressed that I knew the definition of "Vixen."  This led to me telling her that I knew what a vixen was because it was the name of the girl fox in "The Fox and the Hound."  Like I said, I suck at talking to strippers.  She seemed totally flummoxed as to what to do with me, but I think maybe she hung around because I wasn't trying to talk her into taking her clothes off and was happy for the break.  She then started talking about how she was divorced and had two kids, so I gave her a few bucks just because I felt like I had to (for the kids!) and that was that.  Time for the long ride home.

Home at 3:30. #brosgohard #allthebros #andyOUT
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 6, 2013

The next day we had rented a pontoon boat on Odell Lake.  We, naturally, weren't moving too fast in the morning and didn't get out to the lake until about noon.  The weight limit on the boat was 1800 pounds or 13 people.  We had 13 people, but probably closer to 2500 pounds.  Also, it was super windy, which was really whipping the water around.  While driving out to a good spot to hang out on the lake, the surf was so bad we had to basically zig zag across the lake, because driving straight out would've sunk the boat with all the water coming over the sides.  Fortunately, the wind died down and we had a pretty good time just hanging out and swimming on the lake for about six hours.  I'm not sure the same could be said for the local wildlife:

13 bros went out on a boat, and all 13 returned. Apologies to fish for underwater firecrackers. #allthebros #imonaBROt
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 7, 2013

One guy brought Navy Seal Firecrackers, which are basically tiny explosives that will still explode underwater.  This was entertaining for about three crackers, but after that it lost its allure to me.  Not everyone got bored with it though.  There were probably fifty to sixty of these things detonated over the course of the day, most followed by at least one person giggling or going "Whooo!"

Also, apologies to other lake patrons for inappropriate chanting that rhymed with "Pluck our Chicks" #notcool #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 7, 2013

This sounds pretty vulgar (and it is) but it's something of an inside joke amongst these guys, and doesn't involve any actual "plucking of chicks" or expectation of future "plucking."  Still, it must've sounded pretty awful to other people on the lake, especially considering that there was only one girl on our boat with twelve guys.  AWKWARD.

Bro weekend starting to wind down. Just in time too...had my fill of Lil' Wayne and Kendrick Lamar. #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 7, 2013

I wrote that at about 10:30 last night, and I was under the impression that everyone was exhausted and would be going to bed soon.  I've never seen Pandora streaming radio used to the extent it was this weekend, and I probably heard the same twenty songs or so on loop for 72 straight hours.  That's probably fine when you're intoxicated most of the time, but when you're sober, it gets old.  Also, I was wrong about the party winding down.

Midnight day three. Time to sack up and pull a magic trick on all these beerz!!!! #allthebros pic.twitter.com/swlwZQVk1y
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 7, 2013

They went hard until about 3:30 am.

MVP! @AndySnacks #allthebros
— colin runkle (@crunkadunk) July 7, 2013

This was my nickname for the weekend.  I was dubbed "MVP" because, as one guy put it "I'm pretty sure someone would've crashed the RV or been arrested had you not been here."  In all, I was pretty impressed with the way these guys, most of whom had never met me, made it a point to thank me multiple times for doing all the driving.  I appreciated it, and actually had a lot more fun that I thought I would going into the weekend.  These bros were alright in my book.

The one thing I envy about people who consume alcohol is the ability to fall asleep in seconds despite loud dubstep playing #allthebros
— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) July 7, 2013

I was actually having a conversation with one bro, and he fell asleep right in the middle of it.

Hitting the bro'd. One more stop at Brodell Lake for some brokfast then this epic weekend is brover. #allthebros
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 7, 2013

Brodell Lake, nice to see you again. #allthebros pic.twitter.com/h7K6eKVE2D
— Grant Lasselle (@tnarg33) July 7, 2013

The drive back was much more low key than the drive over.  The music was a little quieter, the dice game a little more reserved, and even the traffic was surprisingly light.  I think these are all signs of a super successful bachelor party weekend.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to sleep for about 10 hours before going to work tomorrow.

Bachelorette Week 6: James vs. the World

Welcome to Barcelona!  We'll get back to James being the most recent version of "the most evil man EVER."  First though, Des seems like she's really enjoying herself.  Zak nominates Barcelona for "perfect place to fall in love" because of the appreciation for food and wine and love.  I'm pretty sure that there is an appreciation of those three things the world over, buddy.

Chris gives the guys the standard "you're going home if you don't get a rose" speech, but throws out there that Des has already determined that there won't be a cocktail party.  Is this a sign that Des has already decided who is going home this week?  We'll see.  Drew gets the first one on one, and he vows to not let his issues with James interfere with his date with Des.  Well good for him.  Of course he then mentions that if it comes up, he'll be more than happy to talk about it.

As they wander the streets of Barcelona, Drew points to a bank of what look like apartments and says "have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?"  Barcelona - where even low income housing is more beautiful than churches in America.  Drew takes a chance in a coffee shop and tells Des that his dad was an alcoholic and this is the first time he's ever told anyone this.  I'm a little confused as to why this is such an important conversation to have with Des at this moment....until he gets to the point where his dad has cancer.  He then says that "not many people know he has cancer."  Well, I hope you asked your dad if it was cool to go public with his illness, Drew!  Also, how meandering was that story?  Unless it's liver cancer, I'm not entirely sure that the two things relate into one story, but Des is on the verge of tears and does everything short of telling Drew "I'm coming to your hometown."  I'm pretty sure the start-of-the-date kiss coupled with "my dad battles addiction and is also possibly dying" have ensured he'll get a rose tonight.  Although, we haven't got to dinner yet.....

As they wander down an alleyway, they stop to listen to some music, and Des says "Barcelona brings out my emotional artistic side, which I love."  I wish we could see some sort of sign of this, but alas, this seems like the same Des we always see.  Drew decides to show his spontaneous side and yanks Des away from dinner to push her up against an alleyway wall so he can make out with her. Des is REALLY REALLY digging it.

Quick break to go over the group date, which involves soccer.  James keeps the theme of some guy wearing hot pink at all times, but Kasey is sure that the group date is going to turn "stormy" for James after Drew tells Des about his eavesdropping conversation.  Drew decides to wait until after he gets the rose and is safe to drop the bomb on Des.  Smart move by Drew.  Don't throw it out there until after you're safe and don't let her anger towards James (or the fact that you're a tattletale) cloud her decision.
Des finally lets her artistic side show, stringing together a stream of expletives that would impress Eminem (who needs to cuss on his raps to sell records, unlike Will Smith.)

Back with the guys, Drew recaps for us (for the 97th time!) what James said, as if Michael, Casey and all of America for that matter don't already know.  Kasey seems pissed that he now has to balance James' drama with furthering his relationship with Des.  Only if you want to buddy.

Juan Pablo's name translates directly into "you have no chance with Des" according to Brooks, and they're probably right.  I read somewhere that the best way to impress a girl is to find something that you're very good at, no matter what it is, and do that a lot in front of her.  Confidence is key, and Juan is in his element.  After Des walks out with a professional women's team, the guys all channel their inner cavemen and make some of the most ridiculous statements ever in regards to how bad they're going to beat these girls.  Methinks perhaps ABC wanted to set up the foreshadowing for a female beatdown of the guys.  And yep, that's what happens.  The girls let them score the first two goals, and then IT IS ON.  The girls mercilessly pound the goal, which is being defended by James, the worst goalie in the history of the world.  He was worse than the goalie in Kicking and Screaming that doesn't realize he needs glasses.  His best attempt at a block reminded me of the opening credits of that MTV cartoon Daria.  What the hell man?  Have a little fun out there!

On the after party portion of the night, and Chris gets the first alone time.  Time for some poetry!  Des reads a crummy poem to Chris, which he of course loves.  I suppose it's a good sign that she took the time to compose a poem for him.  Kasey, meanwhile, can no longer contain his anger towards James and confronts him, yet again recapping the "Mikey told you he can get tall, rich, beautiful girls on my boat in Chicago" junk.  After the commercial break, we get to hear the conversation AGAIN.  Jesus.  Enough.  Time for some action.  James immediately goes on the defensive, somehow targeting Michael and sort of mocking him for not being on a one-on-one date.  Bad move.  Don't drag Michael in, who already scorched the earth with Ben's corpse.  Now Michael's firing back, and James again screws up by saying "that's heresy!"  YOU DON'T LAWYER A LAWYER!  Now there's a lot of mocking people going on, to which James finally admits that, yeah, he had the conversation, but he was just being a bro and going along with Mikey's conversation.  Of course the guys take the stance that "we would've told him it wasn't cool dude" which of course they didn't because they pretended to be asleep like little bitches.  I hate all these guys.  PICK JUAN PABLO ALREADY!!!

Sadly, Des decides to not issue a rose, and instead wants to discuss "the conversation with James."  I feel bad for Juan Pablo and Chris, who have seemingly stayed above the fray, yet don't get a chance to feel completely safe that they'll be around for another week or so.  Des says "James doesn't know what's about to hit him."  Oh I think he does Des...he's been getting hammered for the past 20 minutes.

Maybe James doesn't know what's going on, because he casually LAYS DOWN ON THE COUCH.  How is that the body language you present when you're about to get reamed?  What a moron.  Fortunately, once the actual conversation starts, he looks a bit more contrite.  James takes the always popular "blame the guy who isn't around to defend himself" excuse.  When Des doesn't buy that, he switches to "the other guys are jealous of me, and they GANGED UP ON ME!"  Seriously, is this guy seven?  He pouts on the soccer field, he blames other people, he complains that he's being picked on, and then he starts crying.  Kill me now.  This guy has got to go home.  The best part of that conversation was Des asking him what mean things the guys said to him, and he says "they said this, and that is valid, and this that and the other...."  Way to be descriptive Jimmy.

In the end, Des decides to sleep on it - which is another way of saying "review the videotape."  James meanwhile has decided to adopt an angry, vengeful persona and someone's going to get suplexed before the night is over.  He's decided that this is the guys banding together to push him out because he's the frontrunner and he's not going anywhere.  Shockingly, despite all his posturing on the ride home, he's coldly respectful when he opens the door, saying "Gentlemen, goodnight." and walking out of the room.  Well played, James.

Zak gets the "drama hangover" date, which might be a good thing for him.  JP got the "post Bentley" date on Ashley's season, and was able to put on a good enough display to ride it all the way to an accepted proposal.  Zak's got the perfect personality to turn that frown upside down.  He might've just hit on the perfect storm of Bachelor circumstances to ensure himself a spot in the finals.  After referring to Barcelona as a "hub for art," Zak and Des head to an art studio to draw some stuff.  Specifically, they draw each other, and Zak makes Des look like Medusa wearing red lipstick.  I don't think I've ever genuinely laughed out loud at something that happened on this show.  It was horrendous, and he knew it.  Des loved it, and this is a rare "real" moment on the show where I could see a couple not on a reality show actually experiencing something similar.  It didn't involve a staged polka band, or a helicopter ride or Darius Rucker.  It was an actual date.  Of course the date is then blown up with a surprise nude model guy, who takes his job SERIOUSLY.  He was in the zone, despite the fact he has these two amateurs goofing around in the studio.  Having never been a nude model, I can't speak to the mindset you need to have to do it, but I guess it makes sense that you don't want to be a goofy nude.  You don't want people laughing when they think of you naked, I suppose.

Back at the house, James gets Drew alone to hash things out.  Sans alcohol, the conversation starts out much more civil than the previous night.  Things deteriorate quickly, however, when Drew gives us our 1,000th recap of the bus conversation.  Lots of yelling ensues, and James seems oblivious to the fact that talking about being the next Bachelor could in some way be construed as  "the wrong reasons."  James is correct that it that is a conceivable outcome, but much the same way that you don't talk about who you might date if you ever divorced your wife in front of her friends, you don't talk about "post bachelorette" with other contestants.  He's an idiot.

Des calls James out for a walk to a random set of stairs.  She claims she's sending him home, but the fact that she mentions this before the conversation takes place makes me think that he may just be able to talk himself back into this thing.  And you know what, it's working!  Des is conflicted, and meanwhile the v-neck posse is peeping from the balcony.  James is selling himself hard, even using the line "I feel more alive than I ever have" at one point.  He does a great job of putting his own head on the chopping block - offering to go home right now if she has any doubts, and he totally respects her decision no matter what it is.  It works!

James strides back into the room confidently and says "what's up guys?"  Now we're getting back into what a dick James is - and he's not doing himself any of the favors he just did down on the stairs with Des, actually saying that becoming the bachelor would be a "win-win" situation.  This sends the other guys into a frenzy.....Drew says "I don't understand why she hasn't called him a pig and a deceitful jerk and slapped him."  What Drew really means is "why doesn't she believe me?"  Des likes all these guys, and now she's hearing two different sides of the same story from them.  That's gotta be a hard decision. Imagine if a coworker who you have a good relationship with tells you that your significant other said something shady, yet when you ask your significant other about it, he/she explains it a different way.  Who do you side with?  You know somebody's going to be pissed and get their feelings hurt.  It's a difficult situation, but when it comes down to it, you're going to side with the  person you feel more strongly for.  Maybe that's James in this situation.  Des already said that she almost resents the guys for putting her in this situation.  In the end she sends Kasey, Juan Pablo, and James home.  That's a pretty big cut this late in the game.  Kasey and James going home is kind of a way of leveling out the playing field.  And now my boy JP is gone....I'm not sure what to do now.  I guess I throw my support behind Zak the uber positive?  I dislike about everyone else. Ah well...on to Majorca, right?

In the upcoming scenes, it looks like Des gets destroyed by some insincerity on the guys part.  Yikes.  That was a lot of crying.  Like a LOT.  Looks like a pretty entertaining end of the season eh?

Bachelorette Week 5: And there goes Meathead #1

After the pre-show teasers, it seems like Des is starting to doubt the process.  I don't want her to not give it 100%, so I need to set an example and blog at 100% too, right.  A refreshed, rededicated blog is coming your way....RIGHTNOW.

Welcome to Munich!  Bros on a Train!  Things always start to go a little sideways once you get off of the North American continent, and the guys are so giddy, they're fired up over a slow motion jousting competition between two animatronic dudes on a giant cuckoo clock thingy.  Let's hope they put that enthusiasm into their dates.

Chris shows up to harsh everyones buzz by announcing the dreaded 2 on 1 date is looming.  Then there's a lot of mangled German speaking by Chris and the dudes, and some guy says "I think this hotel is one of the nicest in all of Germany."  I'm glad he's able to level such a broad, sweeping statement after visiting all of ONE HOTEL IN GERMANY.  Anyways, Chris (not the host, although that would be AWESOME) gets the one on one date, and it's the typical first date overseas - wander around a foreign land mocking local culture!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bryden is really not feeling that this is for him.  He looks really sad, like his owner forgot to throw the ball for him in the yard before he left for work.  If Bryden leaves, I'm not sure there's a decent guy left for her.  In the biggest cock block ever, Bryden's going to head out into a city of over a million people to find their date and lower the boom.  Meanwhile, Chris and Des are speaking horrible German, laughing while wearing traditional German Lederhosen, and dancing to polka music...which by the way, are there really people with horns just playing in the middle of a square in Munich, or is this another example of ABC saying "what's the most stereotypical German thing we can think of to make them do?"

Bryden catches up with them after ABC makes him hilariously ask random people on the street if they've seen television cameras "filming people."  Do production assistants no longer carry cell phones?  Do their BlackBerry's not work in Europe?  Bryden politely waits for a song to end.  Chris then is the most gracious man to ever be interrupted on a date, actually hugging Bryden and telling him "of course it's OK...just bring her back!"  Chris, she's not a 1997 Ford Taurus, she's the girl you want to marry!  Methinks he probably had an idea this was coming, but he dutifully plays dumb for the cameras.  Now he seemingly starts to realize that this could ruin the rest of his date.

Bryden feels like this was the right time for him to leave - right after he gets a free trip to Germany.  He knew back in Atlantic City that he wasn't really feeling this, yet he flies across the pond just to not go on a date and head home.  Chris says she doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants to get back to the date, but they spend the whole meal time rehashing the whole ordeal.  Chris reiterates that he's not going to leave, and in a subtle nod to the departed Bryden, says that their time together has been "awesome."  They then toast over gigantic beer mugs, which causes my sneaky-funny wife to quip "I'm excited to see how the rest of their date goes after chugging those monsters."

We'll have to wait to find out though, because first we find out that Miami Lawyer Michael and Everyone's Favorite Sleazy Single Dad Ben are going into the Date of Death - two men go in, only one  will come out.  Michael is already practicing his opening and closing statements ready to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he is just slight less shady than Ben, and therefore deserves to stay a little longer.

Now we're back at something called the Munich Residenz, where Des drunkedly trips over the curb....those beers are working their magic.  Furthering the fact that they're drunk, Des seems to think that Chris is a "special guy."  He's like the opposite of a special guy....he's about as run of the mill as they come - although you could argue that run of the mill is special in this house of meatheads.  There's lots of nervous giggling and rambling on this date, and then Chris goes way goofy with a poem that he either didn't write or is too drunk to remember the words to.  Is the poem really as impressive if you can't memorize it?  Wouldn't it be way more romantic if he'd committed his words of love to memory?  Chris gets the rose, and a kiss from a sleepy eyed Desiree.  But wait, there's more!  A guy in the corner of the room on a piano that nobody saw before?  Was he over there smirking and rolling his eyes while Chris looked down at his shoes and read a mediocre poem?  I sure hope so!  Love how Chris says "this is perfect, we're getting a private concert from Matt Light (or is it White?), as if we all should know who he is.  Shame on us America, for not knowing who this dude is.  So far this season, we've seen Andy Grammer, Soulja Boy, Darius Rucker, and now Matt Light/White.  I could pick exactly one of those people out of a lineup, and it's because of his time with the Blowfish.  I couldn't name one Darius Rucker solo album.  Matt looks like it takes all of his energy to sing the high notes...I'm worried for the blood vessels behind his eyes.  Chris is pretty sure that Des loves him, because of how she kisses.  I'd like to remind him that she's had a giant beer and a couple glasses of wine tonight....and girls always kiss a little differently when they're tipsy buddy.  Let's see if you get that passion when she's sober big fella.

Group date time on a mountain that Des calls "Zoupitza" (It's really Zugspitze).  German is a rough language to try to speak when you don't know what's going on.  It's the highest peak in Germany apparently.  Drew is excited to share this with Des...."she's seeing something she's NEVER seen before."  Apparently Drew is a world traveler and comes to Zoupitza twice a year.  I don't know why this sounded so condescending to me, but they way he said it reminds me of how excited I was to take Jonah to the zoo for the first time.

Of course there's a yodeler.  Props to Juan Pablo for trying super hard to say "yodeler."  I don't understand why they all have to put their arms around the guy as if he's some sort of goofy sideshow act, like the little person at the Corvallis Knights games that goes by the name "Lil' K" and wears the number 1/2 on his jersey.  Can't we give him like a name that doesn't focus on his smallness, like "Sir Strikeout" (cause they're the Knights) or something?  I'm always blown away by this.  Isn't yodeling like a serious thing in the Alps?  I really dislike how every time they go overseas on this show it turns into "look how weird foreign cultures are!"  Zak says "he's kind of a funny guy...I don't know how to take some of those notes he hit."  Take them as an extremely difficult talent that you can't do, you super enthusiastic idiot.

After mocking their elders, it's time to ride a sled down a hill.  "it's like a black diamond hill with major freeway, rush hour style pileups!'  Or it's a well manicured slope with eight people on it.  They should try to get in a bounce house with a bunch of six year olds at Wacky Bounce, because that seems way more dangerous than what they did.  I did appreciate Drew's "I'm just going to crash into Des and hope I don't hurt her too bad so that I can apologize and get a hug" tactic.  Reminds me of the time we thought it'd be a good idea to lob water balloons at the girls sunbathing at the sorority across the street in college.  I think in our heads we saw it going one of two ways - either they'd laugh and we'd get into a flirtatious water fight with some bikini clad sorority sisters, or they'd be mildly upset and we'd get to take them to an apology dinner.  I failed to see option three - where the water balloon lands in an adjacent pile of bark mulch, coating the girls and their blanket in little dirty bits of wood.  Oh I ended up apologizing alright, and getting to do a load of laundry for them as well.  But hey, good luck with that tactic, Drew!

Back at the house, awkwardness is really dominating the room as Michael and Ben aren't even trying to hide their hatred for each other anymore, and poor Chris is just trying to blend into the couch cushions so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire.  This should be good.

Back on Zugspitse, it's an ice mansion!  What's the point of an ice mansion?  Do people actually stay in these things?  I know that James Bond did in one of those Pierce Brosnan flicks, but all I remember is rapid ice melting and people drowning.  Not my idea of fun.  Do like the polar bear ice sculpture in the corner though...that was a nice touch.

Mikey and Des are making the Zuccarelli family snowmen.  "This could be me," Mikey says as he points to a amorphous blob of snow.  How right you are, Mikey, how right you are.  They have some sort of awkward conversation that is interrupted by Zak, goofily yodeling in the background.  "Grrr, Mikey no like Zak!" Mikey grumbles to the camera.

New development, the guys don't like James anymore.  Their reasoning is something along the lines of "He doesn't treat us like he does the girl he's trying to marry!" I never understand the "bros before ho's" mentality of the guys on the Bachelorette.  Brooks creepily peeps on a James/Desiree make out session from an ice hallway.  At this point I think all the guys hearts are turning into hard blocks of ice.

As if things weren't weird enough on here, Brooks somehow garners the rose on this date.  If he hadn't been ice-peeping, I don't think I even would've known he was on this date.  How did that happen.  I'm almost as baffled as James, who snottily says "at this point, I'm focusing on my relationship with Des and I don't really care about what happens with the other guys."  He is turning into the new Ben...maybe just in time, because he might not be coming home from this date, am I right?

The tension in the limo as Michael and Ben ride to meet Des for this cage match of love.  Michael is talking about putting Ben on trial....a move that I'm sure he thinks he's going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben needs to go home, but will probably end up garnering some sympathy for Ben in Des' eyes.  Time will tell.

On to the awkward park bench chat!  Ben tries a joke about Texas being so flat that you can watch a dog run away for three days - and nobody laughs.  Michael says "I embrace the confrontation and I think Ben knows that."  Ugh.  Des suggests a polar bear plunge, sort of like the girls did in Canada on the last season of the Bachelor....only this water looks a hundred times colder than that water did.  I gotta think Des is joking, and turns out she is.  Instead they're going to take some sort of navigable hot tub out onto the water.  I gotta say that Des' enthusiasm for this contraption is infectious...I'm kind of excited for her!  Unfortunately, much like the Grand Canyon, the "awesomeness" of the "hot tug" is fleeting....next thing you know, you're stuck in the middle of a lake with two dudes who hate each other.

Michael decides that court is now in session and starts the trial of Ben.  Much like I thought, his offensive on Ben is making Des uncomfortable, and she immediately picks up on Michael's tactic.  All Ben has to do at this point is not retaliate and he's got this in the bag.  With what he's saying to the cameras however, it doesn't look like this is going to happen.

Back at the house, the guys are talking about how the Chicago meatheads have been having a conversation about how this is going to make their lives great once they get back to the Windy City.  NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS ALERT!!  The guys are bound and determined to defend Des' honor at the rose ceremony tomorrow night.

Michael continues his assault on Ben at dinner, attacking Ben for not going to church on Easter even though all the other guys went, and not mentioning his son on Easter.  Look, I'm not saying that what Michael is saying doesn't have merit, but if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who don't like me and are constantly trying to get under my skin, I'm not going to be all chatty about my son either.  Ben's playing this exactly right though, excusing himself from the table.  Des is grumpy, Michael all of a sudden realizes "hey, this might not be the right tactic."  Ben waits long enough for Des to come to him, then plays the wounded single dad perfectly.  It's not going well for Michael.  Des says that she wants to know why he feels so passionate about exposing Ben as a fraud.  Puzzling, since that's what it seemed like he was trying to do at dinner and she got all mad at him.  Michael spends all his one on one time talking about Ben, which is usually the kiss of death on these things.

Des throws a curveball though, and follows the "don't get involved with the person everyone else hates" theory.  THE DEFENSE RESTS!!!  Ben gets his walking papers, and then goes on and says everything you'd expect an asshole to say.  "She picked him over ME?  How did he make it further than I did? Where are we getting drunk tonight?  How soon can I be seen with someone else in public?"  Any sympathy you garnered during that brutal cross examination just vanished in the back of that spite-filled limousine, Benjamin.  You better hope nobody shows your son a copy of this season in a few years, buddy.

Time for a little tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison.  Chris is going to get to the serious stuff, but first he goes all middle school sleepover on Desiree and asks who's the best kisser.  I'm surprised he didn't say "truth or dare!" first, then tell her to prank call Brooks and ask him if his refrigerator was running.

Let's bring on the guys.  Des does the "we don't need a cocktail party" trick, she's got her mind made up.  Kasey and Drew are pissed....what are we gonna do??  James says he's confident in his relationship, and whatever happens, he's cool with it.  Behind him, Drew is wearing the face of someone about to commit a murder.  I'm not liking the energy coming from his face right now.

Why are we making such a big deal out of Des' first time being in Europe?  Chris has brought it up about three times tonight.  Have you not lived until you've been to Europe?  Has everything I've done in my life been meaningless since I've not yet been to the Old World?  Poor Drew is about to pass out from the anger bubbling up inside him.  Oh what I wouldn't give for him to just blurt out "James is using you!" right now.  That would be the best moment in this shows history!  Unfortunately, Drew gets a rose, and it's down to Meathead Mikey vs. Meathead James.  Bummer for those bros.  Maybe he should've put a little more effort into his lump of snow-family that he built.

He, of course, is shocked.  "How could she not want to know me better?"  The problem is that Mikey sees himself like an ocean when he's really like that little pool of water at the end of your children's Crocodile Mile.

Mikey's depth is not what he thinks it is

Looking forward to next week when the tears start really flowing!

Bachelorette Week 4 - Atlantic City Sucks

The episode started off with Chris telling the guys they were going to Atlantic City.  I can't remember who said it, but one of the guys said "This is going to be great!  Des is going to be there!"  At first I thought he was a moron, because OF COURSE SHE'LL BE THERE, but I slowly realized that that was the only nice thing he could say about Atlantic City.

That's how I felt about this episode.  The only nice thing I can say about it is that Des was there.  She sent home the spousal abuser after committing 87 health code violations and a candy shop, the guys had a Mr. Bachelorette pageant in a high school gym where they all did meathead things, and then she toured an area damaged by hurricane Sandy and gave some old couple a night on the town and then treated them to some Darius Rucker music, which I'm sure they thought was too damn loud and said at least one time "what's a Hootie?"  Oh, and the Zack who keeps his shirt on went home. 

The End.

Bring me something better next week, ABC.

Bachelorette Week 3 - The Return of Juan Pablo

Welcome back everyone, looks like quite a bit of drama going down tonight, so let's get to it.

Ben's still in his "me against the world" mentality.  He doesn't care if everyone ends up hating him, so long as he gets Des in the end.  As usual, this is probably the appropriate attitude to have when on a show where the goal is to get married to a specific woman, but that doesn't change the fact that publicly announcing it makes you kind of a asshat.

Dodgeball for a group date?  Sounds good!  I love the pro dodgeball players.  The guy throwing a ball off a wall from five feet away and stomping off like IronMan after blowing up a tank was classic.  Gotta love people who take their hobbies seriously, right?  Michael, the Miami lawyer, says "I definitely get what Des meant by "love is a battlefield" now."  Yep, love is like dodgeball.

I'm also confused by this "group date."  Des is practically an afterthought on this date.  She's spending more time hanging out with Chris Harrison than the guys.  Has she even said a word?  The red team is doing "what time is it?" chants, while the blue team does some sort of strange high school volleyball bounce around cheer.

The first round goes to the blue team after a one-on-one battle between Chris and Drew.  Amusing that the two scrawniest guys avoided getting hit the longest.  Drew really plays up his final throw, explaining that he had a ball come "right to him," and in "one fluid motion" winged the ball at Chris for the victory.  What really happened was he picked a ball up off the ground, took about six steps and threw a ball at a scrawny, un-athletic dude who was too slow to get out of the way.

In fact, all these guys are playing up this thing.  They're talking about not being able to see the balls whizzing past them and whatnot.  The final round starts with Brooks hurting his finger, and Des coming to his aid like he's been shot.  It's a finger!  Ronnie Lott cut one off to finish a football game!  The blue team wins, but Des brings everyone along to the after party anyways.  This is cool on the Bachelorette, but Sean did this on the Bachelorette and all the girls got PISSED.  Big difference between guys and girls.

Meantime, Brooks is hooked up to oxygen?  For a finger?  He passed out?  He kicked his bed out of pain?  This guy went to the Tierra school of overexaggerating injuries.  Anyone who thought their first date was "magical" can just forget about him winning.  Des will act all sympathetic for a while, but no girl wants a namby pamby man.  Last night I was having issues with some pain in my left shoulder area, and I was a little worried I might be having a heart issue.  Rachel said "stop freaking out, it's probably a pinched nerve or something, let me give you a massage."  She proceeded to dig her well sharpened elbow into my back for about twenty minutes.  Her plan was to show me what real pain was, I think.  Point is, she wasn't interested in my complaining about my injury....she wanted a real guy who would suck it up and deal with it.  As always, I'm amazed she agreed to marry me.

Brad (or Gay Brad as Rachel calls him) tells Des he has a kid and baby mama drama.  It involves alcohol and a restraining order, but of course he didn't do anything wrong.  I'm pretty sure he just disqualified himself, but kudos for being honest.

Brooks shows back up and tries to say that "it's not a big deal, just a broken finger."  Nice try, but last scene you were laid up on a stretcher taking oxygen.  I'd hate to be around when this guy gets a paper cut - I imagine ice packs, Bubble Guppies bandaids, and maybe some tylenol being involved.  Rachel thinks he may be gay as well.  She thinks that's the twist this season....Des got 24 gay guys and one straight guy, and she has to find the guy who likes girls.  She might not be wrong.....Brandon is getting all weepy about her dancing with Chris, who maybe had the most ungrateful reaction to getting a rose on a group date ever.  Not even a full smile, just a half smirk and an emotionless "thank you for this."  I don't see him winning this thing either.  Maybe my dude Juan Pablo has a chance!  The language barrier may work in his favor....the other guys may know how to speak English, but they certainly haven't mastered it.

Chris and Des get a private concert that isn't all that private, as the other guys can see what's going on.  I will give kudos to the singer...her voice was pretty intoxicating.  A heck of a lot more romantic than that Andy Grammer fella from last week.  Unfortunately I didn't catch her name.

DRAMA TIME!!  Chris tells Des she's got some news about one of the guys.  Maybe it'll have to wait, because it's time for Des's #date with #Kasey.  Or not......time to talk to Brian first!

Brian is kind of an anonymous guy, I'm not sure I know anything about him.  Des says "Brian has been trying to get a one on one date since day one!"  I'm not sure how that's a bad thing....unless of course you have a girlfriend!  OH GURRRLLLL - you got served.  I'm not sure how you get away with going on a reality show while having a girlfriend and think you're not going to get caught.  Which brings me to this week's segment of

Andy Lasselle's Advice for Guys Cheating on Their Girlfriends
When attempting to cheat on your girlfriend the first rule is this:

• DON'T GO ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED REALITY SHOW TO DO IT

If you want to end a relationship, there's plenty of ways to do it that don't involve publicly humiliating your current girlfriend, whom you must have, at one time, had a modicum of respect for.  Furthermore, there's much easier ways to get a little side action without competing against 24 other dudes in activities like creating bad rap videos and playing dodgeball.  I don't know how you think you're not going to get caught in this little adventure either.  "Honey, I gotta go away for anywhere from 3 days to 3 months....it's a thing for work.  I'll call you when I can, ok?  Oh, and don't watch ABC or visit their website for a while, got it?  Ok love you buh-bye!"

I'm pretty sure this thing is staged, because nobody is as stupid as the paragraph I wrote above, right?

I love that Brian is wearing a pink v-neck for this conversation.  I also love that the other guys are all huddled in the kitchen taking this in.  This girl looks like she's old enough to be Brian's mother.  She apparently is a mother.  She's come equipped with FACTS too.  She knows dates, she's confirmed six or seven other girls that he's hooked up with (IT'S VERIFIED).  This is a crazy scene.  All four people are talking, Chris Harrison has already sentenced Brian to death essentially, Stephanie apparently chucked some rocks at this guys face.  SHE THREW ROCKS AT HIS FACE.  And we're all mad at this guy for wanting to date someone else?  I'm dumbfounded by this.  The rock throwing has completely changed my view of this situation.  I absolutely would date someone who did not throw rocks at my face over someone who did use my face for rock target practice.  No wonder he wasn't honest with her...if he told her the truth, she might've stabbed him with a tree branch or something.  Des sends him home....Chris acts as if this guy is the most horrible person in the world and asks him to leave this place immediately....but not before the camera crew follows you in front of all the other guys up to the messiest dorm room you've ever seen to pack his crap.  Des says she needs to trust her intuition and hope its right.  Apparently it's not, because Brian had you fooled until his leather pants wearing mom/girlfriend traipsed in there to verbally assault him.  Des reiterates that Brian was not here for the "right reasons."  Apparently "trying to get away from a rock throwing psycho" is a wrong reason.  Des pleads with the guys "if you're hiding anything, tell me now."  As if anyone's going to say "You're right!  I have a girl back home too!"  Nice try, ABC.

Brandon apparently thinks Brian leaving a single mom is the worst thing ever, because now he's crying.  I can't believe I picked this guy as my favorite on the first night.  Juan Pablo is now Numero Uno in my book?  Who?  Juan.  Who Juan?  Juan Pablo.  Can we get him some airtime please?

Juan Pablo time will have to wait, because Kasey gets to #danceonabuilding with Des.  Des is glad to be on this date because Kasey is so #fun and #trustworthy.  How she knows these things is beyond me.  Must be that razor-sharp intuition of hers.

Dancing on the side of a building is a thing?  Why is that a thing?  Why is called Bandalooping?  Kasey thinks they're sharing a moment that nobody else will share.  Clearly he's never watched a season of this show.  Apparently they got really tired and sucked at bandalooping, so they quit and decide to eat dinner instead.  No speech about "it was amazing that we competed this difficult task together, we can definitely overcome anything now!"  Des seems grumpy.  Dinner's no better, because there's a full-scale tornado going on out there.  They can't even talk about anything, so they decide to jump into a pool, which of course is freezing.  Kasey tries to make the best of it, but they somehow end up kissing with towels on their heads, which is just awful.  Des is completely not feeling this, but she gives him the rose anyways.  I think she just felt she couldn't ditch the guy after one of the biggest #fail dates of all time, since it really wasn't his fault.  He won't stick around long though.

Group date time, and we're stagecoaching it out to a ranch.  Des is dressed like a turn of the 20th century prostitute, and she's kicking a guy off a balcony.  Turns out this date is a fifteen minute infomercial for The Lone Ranger.  Yawn.

First "bootcamp" activity is lassoing.  Why do they have pink ropes?  What is the purpose for the pink ropes?  They also get to practice "quick drawing" a pistol and punching people.  Now they get to put it all together in the worst movie scene of all time.....

UNTIL JUAN PABLO KILLS IT.  He's kicking dirt on people, cussing in Spanish....I love this guy.  His reward is getting to watch The Lone Ranger in the barn with Des.  They don't spend very much time actually watching the movie, instead flirting and making out.  I'm not sure this was the best way to plug your movie, ABC...."Pay $11.25 to not watch our movie and make out!"  At least Juan Pablo hasn't proven himself to be an idiot yet.  He's still in the running to win this thing.  If anyone else gets the rose, I'm not sure I understand the point of this show.

Bryden gets to sit in a tree with Des for some alone time, and of course he thinks that it's "awesome."  Bryden is a nice guy, but he might be "too nice" to win this competition.  Des has to basically draw him a map to her face again to get a kiss, but of course he thinks that kissing her is "awesome," and he "wants to do it again."  He's a child, but I like him.

Shirtless Zak is growing on me.  He's over the top enthusiastic, but at least he's not whiny, like our next guy, Meathead James.

Meathead James is having a nice, fun conversation with Des, until he drops the bomb that he's worried about his dad, who has pancreatic cancer or something.  He then basically says "I hope you see a future for us, because ol' Dad is sick, and I might need to go home if you don't give me a rose tonight."  What a smooth move.  Des falls for it, and gives him the sympathy rose.  Juan Pablo got hosed.

Des says "the rose to me represents time....more time."  James says "this rose represents that our feelings are the same."  Clearly not, but good try buddy.

We can't end this episode without a little Ben drama, right?  Why is he wearing a tankini and hot pink shorts?  He heads Des off at the pass to talk her ear off about how he doesn't want to be in the "dad zone."  They make out, and then Ben says 'remember it's our little secret!"  Yeesh.  Ben continues lie to the guys about everything.  Of course he makes the mistake of lying to Meathead James and Meathead Mikey - two guys Rachel has dubbed "the Chicago Mafia."  They take Ben out to "whack" him or something...even bringing their Miami Lawyer Michael with them to make sure they don't do anything that can be pinned on them or something.  How many times do we have to have these conversations.

Brandon has another horrible one on one time with Des....talking about throwing a ball with some random dude that was boning his mom when he was a kid and then saying he had a secret to tell her and going in for the most awkward kiss ever.  So awkward that Des laughs all the way through it, yet Brandon seems to think it was amazing.  He's clueless, and I'm sad for him, because he clearly doesn't get it.  He's going to get dismissed and he's going to be shocked by it.  I feel bad for people who never seem to be able to see their role in their own failures.  It's got to be hard going through life thinking that you've done everything right at every turn and then getting dumped again and again.  Self-reflection is a powerful tool that everyone should have in their toolbox.

Time for the rose ceremony (finally.)  Roses go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak the Enthusiastic, Broken-Finger Brooks, Skinny Drew, The Other Drew, Gay Brad, Miami Lawyer Michael, Chicago Mafia Mikey, and Ben.  Confusion covers Brandon's face like a cloud rolling in off the coast.  He still doesn't get it.  He goes right on the offensive telling Des "you're making a huge mistake, I don't understand."  Des says tersely "you're a great guy, just not for me."  I feel like she handled it pretty well.....oh God no, she's following him out.  Do not give this guy anything else.  She tells him she needed to send him home now before he got any further in, and he's dumbfounded.  "Once again, someone left me" he moans.  As Coolio once said "you can't help me if you can't help yourself." Good move Des.