We get our recap of JoJo's time on the Bachelor with Mr. Higgins: She wore a unicorn mask, introduced herself as Joelle (which apparently nobody paid attention to), was almost blown off a roof by a helicopter before taking cover behind a cheap cocktail table, then had her declaration of love reciprocated with a promise that she would never be blindsided, only to be told "I'm in love with you....but not as much as this ditzy blonde over here." Also, her brothers are huge dicks.
This show is charming in the way that every bachelor/ette has to spend the first segment of the show saying the same things (I had my heart broken, I never thought in a million years that I'd be the bachelor/ette, bring on the girls/guys!) and walk around on beaches in as few clothes as possible. Despite the fact that we know this stuff is coming, we still all eat it up.
Next comes the standard alumni pep talk. Kaitlyn, Ali, and Des all tell her to make out with as many people as possible, but then back that up with "you can't focus on how hot they are, because that turns into lust. You need to focus on compatibility and who you can build a relationship with."
Oh really, ladies? That's what you should focus on if you want a strong, long lasting relationship? Watch your ass, Dr. Phil. These ladies are solving all the world's problems. After a toast to all the men, JoJo talks about not letting the ladies down. If Juan Pablo couldn't tarnish the legacy of the franchise, JoJo would basically have to get pregnant by a stagehand or do cocaine in a bathroom with Chris Harrison to torpedo the show.
Let's meet some guys!
First up is San Francisco firefighter Grant. He enjoys fighting fires because he likes doing stuff when people are in a bad spot. Heart of gold on this guy.
Next we have Jordan the football player. He's Aaron Rodgers little brother. His sob story is that his brother is awesome and he's always been compared to his big bro, and he was so hellbent on chasing down his football dreams he didn't marry some girl that was probably just with him because he was as close as she'd ever get to Aaron Rodgers.
Alex the Marine was on a fast track to nowhere until he enlisted in the armed services. He also has a twin Marine brother. I wonder if they go on covert ops all the time like those twins on Quantico?
Next we have James the huge dork. His shtick is that he watches the bachelor because his mom was a big fan. He even does brackets with two random people and a kid that probably hates her life right about now.
Evan the hipster used to be a preacher, now he gives people penile enhancement drugs. Everything he says is a veiled penis reference. Could be funny, but his delivery is a little stiff.
Ali, plays the piano, reads books with a real effeminate dog. Because he is from a foreign country, all of his siblings are insanely successful. This lead to a lot of stress in his life, so now he surfs all day and skateboards around with his girly dog. Of course he's a bartender.
Up next is a crossfitter who is also a telecom consultant. He's motivated because he's biracial. His grandpa is a racist, and for some reason, his younger siblings live with him. This guy has NO BAGGAGE WHATSOEVER.
Texas Luke is pretty much a stereotype of Texas come to life. He's a rancher/war veteran who likes to lean against barns with one leg bent behind him. I'll bet he likes steak too.
After a short break, JoJo arrives at the house and we can get this night started in earnest. I still wonder if the icebreaker scenes are thought up by production assistants on their own, or if the guys have any input on them at all. We're going to rank these intros on a scale of 1-10, based on a few criteria:
- Memorability: Will you remember the person's name tomorrow morning because of their intro?
- Delivery: Do they seem at least slightly natural when addressing JoJo, or do they stammer and basically look like they'd rather be anywhere else?
- Originality: Have we seen this before, or is it something new?
Derek: This guy was way nervous, goes straight for the "you're super hot" compliment, and then backs it up with "I find your sense of self sexy." I have no idea what that means.
Score: 3
Grant: Grant vows to not do what Ben did to her and fall in love with two girls on the show. JoJo misses an opportunity to put him on his heels and say "big talk considering I'm the only girl here." Grant the firefighter. Helping people by doing stuff and not falling in love with imaginary women. Must be nice to attractive though.....
Score: 2.5
James F.: He's not here for a rose, he's here for a relationship! Confident, direct, looks her in the eye. Not exactly memorable though.
Score: 5
Robby: Says something about wandering the streets for weeks, drinks wine from a bottle. I'm not sure what his deal is.
Score: 4.5
Alex: Says "you look great, I'm nervous."
Score: 3
Will: The Civil Engineer goes for comedy, attempting a mixed up notecard gag. It's original, but everyone knows that engineers are not funny.
Score: 3
Chad: Goes for a double hand hold, stare into the eyes move. He then stumbles over his words before saying "I'm looking forward to taking this ride with you." This guy sucks.
Score: 1.5
Daniel: Goes for an internet meme that involves his name. The only people over 25 who get that spend way too much time on the internet (i.e. me) or watch Ellen (i.e. also me). Straight up eye-humps her as he talks to her. This is our creepy guy.
Score: 2
Ali: Gets the super optimistic rom-com music as he gushes over her looks. Seems genuine though
Score: 4.5
James Taylor: Sings a song on his guitar, absolutely kills it. I like this guy.
Score: 8.5
Jonathan: A half Scot-half Chinese dude from Canada. Goes for the "half Scot below the waist" gag. JoJo either doesn't get it, or wants him to flat out say "I have a huge Scottish penis on my tiny Chinese body." Nothing about this goes well, but he's memorable.
Score: 4
A quick break while we get a scene of kilted Jonathan walking in and all the guys (particularly his fellow Canadian Daniel) basically giving him the stink eye and telling him he's an idiot for wearing something that very well could be meaningful to him. I don't think the guy has a chance in hell, but it's not because he's wearing a kilt. These bros are not very inclusive, and I hate most of them already just because of this.
Saint Nick: Not entirely sure if this guy is an actual contestant or what. Gives her a gift.
Score: 5
Chase: Wears a fake mustache and says "I mustache you a question, but I'm going to shave it for later." *groan*
Score: 3.5
Jake: He's an architect. A landscape architect. He's a gardener.
Score: Incomplete (literally all we got to see was him saying "I'm an architect.")
Sal: Gives her a couple of balls (blue, of course) and gives her permission to squeeze his balls if she gets stressed. I'd absolutely love it if later on in this episode she just walks up and yanks on his scrotum. Be the best moment of all time.
Score: 5
Coley: Real estate guy wants to take her off the market. Way too formulaic buddy.
Score: 1
At this point we get more of the guys who think that because they were in the first limo, they have some sort of seniority and get to pass judgement on all who come after them. I hate these guys. Robby is the worst. Well...Daniel's the worst, but it's pretty obvious he's here to be terrible and is probably not going to survive the night. So Robby is the worst, because we're going to have to see a lot more of this arrogant swimmer.
Brandon: A total slacker bro who tries the "I don't even know who you are" approach. This approach will work great on some girls, and on others it'll piss them off. I'd guess Jojo is more the former, but we'll see.
Score: 4
Nick: Does the splits and then kinda dances with her. Kisses her hand.
Score: 5
Vinny: Prepared a toast. A piece of toast. GTFO Vinny. You did not have a toaster in the limo, and I refuse to believe you toasted that shit at the Holiday Inn continental breakfast this morning and have been carrying around ever since. Your toast means you're toast.
Score: 2
Peter: Gives her a giant heart and says he wants to be her "man crush Monday." Nobody over the age of 22 is doing #mcm dude.
Score: 1.5
Evan: Goes straight to "God Bless America" with his eyes closed...calls her "girly."
Score: -2
Wells: Brings an a capella group, but doesn't sing with them. He hired some dudes to make an impression for him. I think this is terrible, like pronouncing to the world that you have no talent, but you know some dudes who are that will show that talent on your behalf if you pay them. Shockingly, everyone seems to think this was a brilliant move.
Score: 6
Christian: Our biracial crossfitting sibling raising telecom consultant shows up on his motorcycle and I swear JoJo almost lost her underwear when she heard the engine on that motorcycle.
Score: 7
Luke: Our living representation of Texas shows up on a
Score: 6
Finally she comes inside. We're treated to a montage of guys talking about how hot she is, Santa saying "jojojojo" like he's having a holly jolly orgasm, and some guy Freudian slipping and saying "breasts" instead of "dress."
Alex grabs her right off the bat, and of course everyone says "look at this douchebag talking to her first." I'd like to see an episode where nobody goes to talk to her because nobody wants to be "that guy." Once the seal has been broken though, we see guy after guy stammering and talking about how struck they are by her beauty.
Until we get to
Will, our civil engineer goofball, goes for the paper fortune teller move. 1000% the fortune under every paper flap was "you're about to get kissed." Jojo kisses him like the five year old he's acting like, and mercifully Jordan shows up an Crocodile Dundee's him. Poor Will. He got the kind of kiss a kindergarten teacher gives a kid with a skinned knee, and Jordan gets a kiss that leaves Jojo muttering "his butt....his butt...." over and over.
Wells apparently got the a cappella group for the whole night to follow him around and serenade Jojo. Wells sucks. Chad makes sure to mention that he's "financially" ready to take the next step of having a relationship with a girl. Very "Pretty Woman" of him. Daniel continues to creep everyone out and tries to explain his terrible meme intro. This isn't going well for quite a few guys, but Daniel in particular, who then starts mentioning everything he's drank and poking people in the belly button and is speaking with more and more of a Canadian accent every night. Then the clothes come off and he's in the pool. Dancing Nick is also super drunk and brings her glass of water while she's talking to the cameras. Vinny, not to be outdone, follows him in there and says "I will never let you beg for my love on a bathroom floor." I hope being drunk is fun as hell, because these people look dumb as hell.
Ali the surfing bro plays the piano like he's giving a concert. It always cracks me up when people with world class talent break that talent out on a first date. "Why don't you just sit there and watch me do this incredible thing and then tell me how awesome I am at doing this thing?" People are weird.
Jojo grabs the first impression rose, and it seems like it's a three horse race between Not-Aaron Rodgers, Singing James, or Texas Luke. Not Aaron gets the rose, giving the rest of us hope that Aaron and Olivia Munn show up at some point this season.
Chad the overconfident douchebag is convinced that Jordan is a fraud, and can't wait to expose his fraudulence to Jojo, but he's not sweating that he didn't get the first impression rose, because he knows that Jojo's attracted to him and he's definitely going to be around tomorrow. Chad might be worse than Robby. Can I just call them Chobby? Because they're pretty much the same.
Just before we get to the rose ceremony, another limo shows up! In it is maybe the worst non-Juan Pablo person to ever grace the Bachelor screen...Jake Pavelka. This guy had the most awkward televised interview I can remember, and prompted one of his bachelor brethren to utter "I'm about to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka!" which is still in the top ten moments in the history of the franchise in my opinion.
Jake is 38. JoJo is 25. Apparently they're good family friends. Jojo says "he's like a brother" which is definitely not a good start Jake's time on the show. Because of the age difference, I tend to get a little queasy when he says something like "for a long time...." because Jojo was 18 when he was a contestant the first time. Turns out he's not here to bone Jojo, just to make sure she's open to getting boned by lots of guys and not focusing on just one. Is this part of Jake's redemption tour? That was awkward.
Mercifully, we get to the roses.
Safe: Not Aaron Rodgers, Texas Luke, Wells the talentless guy with talented friends, Singing James, Firefighter Grant, Derek the anonymous, Crossfit Christian, arrogant Chad, Chase, Marine Alex, Robby the Douche (Chobby lives!), Slacker bro Brandon, Boxing James, Surfer bro Ali, Saint Nick, Goofy ass Will the engineer, James the fan, drunk Vinny, Evan the Boner Whisperer, and Drunk Daniel get roses.
WTF moment of the night: Daniel getting a rose. This is a new trend in the Bachelorverse: the obviously insane person getting a rose and being kept around for no apparent reason other than to get people to watch. We'll call this the Lace Morris Free Pass.
Stay tuned for future episodes where Chad maybe/probably kills someone and threatens the brother of the king of Wisconsin. It's hard to piss off 'Sconnies, but this guy definitely found one way to do it.
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