Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (Part 2)

We've reached the part of the show where I start to question why I still watch this show. We've already met our cast of characters, and for the most part, they are who we thought they were. There's nobody at this point in the show that is going to emerge as a new villain, and it'd be a big surprise at this point to find out one of them has a child or girlfriend or some other shocking revelation. So we've reached the point where she basically goes on dates and then acts like she has a really tough decision to make on every single guy. Shoot, once this Kenny/Lee thing plays out, we won't even have any beef amongst the fellas any more.

Kenny goes on the best censored rant in history as he calls out Lee for his behavior. His daughter must be so proud. Rachel sends Lee home, and Lee immediately tells Rachel that Kenny cussed him out, calling her "sweetheart." Kenny, unable to accept the fact that he's still in the running, leaves Rachel in the chopper to again tell Lee he's a snake and that he needs to be a better person. Such an insane miscalculation on his part. Sort of like Donald Trump winning the election then continuing to push his insane theory that he actually won the popular vote too, Kenny is unable to accept a win without claiming total domination.

Oh it's happening, sweetheart

Incredible restraint by Rachel to not leave Kenny in the Norwegian wilds with Lee.  I would've loved that move. Kenny lecturing Lee, Lee laughing his ass off as the helicopter's blades start turning, Kenny all of a sudden realizing what's going on, standing there dumbfounded as the helicopter lifts off, hovers for a second over them as Rachel drops the rose out the door and flies away. Tell me I couldn't write this show.

A little self congratulation is necessary every now and then

In the end, Kenny gets the rose after explaining himself again to Rachel. She buys it, but I'm pretty sure we still have yet to see anyone survive a two-on-one date and go on to win the rose. I may be wrong on that, but I don't think I am. Kenny then calls his daughter and she's pretty adorable and I hope he makes it to hometowns so we can see more of their interactions. Best part of the show by far.

Rose ceremony time, and Josiah keeps talking about how confident he is, and how good he feels. Kiss. Of. Death. Rachel sends him and Anthony home. I didn't even know who Anthony was. Josiah goes off on most of the Caucasian people left on the show as "poor choices" for Rachel to keep around over him, though in his defense Alex is kinda weird and Adam did bring a creepy doll. Those are legitimate things to be confused by.

Off to Denmark. Eric snags the one on one date - touring Copenhagen. Eric's on a bridge. Rachel shows up on a boat. Eric yells "hey girl! We here!" Rachel should just keep that boat moving, but unfortunately she decides to dock. Eric tries to get in the boat, Rachel gets out. Then they both get in. Just stay in the boat, Rach.

They find a public hot-tub park. Have you ever been to public park in a big city? Do you ever feel safe there? Well, now add hot tubs and alcohol. Seems totally safe. Not surprisingly, a strapping Danish bloke hops up and yells "welcome to Denmark while exposing his Danish Stick Loaf.

When someone invites you to a Danish hot tub park

At dinner, Rachel and Eric talk, and Eric says "with everything I've been through...." which leads Rachel to ask him what all he's been through. What he's been through, evidently, is not getting enough hugs from his mama. Eric always has run from love, because he didn't get it from his mom and it was so unfamiliar to him. Not with Rachel though! Now he's finally realized that love is not something to run from! Rachel says "I am bringing something out of him that he never had before." Brilliant, Eric. Talk about your past struggles, say you're ready to move on, and presto you've got a girl putty in your hands. it all seems great until Rachel says "I don't know what's going to happen....." which probably means Eric is going home as soon as his rose immunity expires.

Rachel, to Eric next week

 Group date time - Rachel makes the boys row a boat across a fjord. On the opposite side, there are two guys "fighting" with swords. Fighting is a pretty liberal term.

Today we fight like Vikings!

Viking games basically involve knocking someone out of a circle by various methods. In one version you have to hold onto a stick. In another, you can't use your hands. In one you have to take a flag outside of a circle, and in yet another, you have to hold one of your legs behind your back. In the end, Kenny and Adam go at each other with swords and shields. Kenny wins (duh) but they both end up bleeding, which is an appropriate metaphor for the show: nobody leaves without a scar.

The rest of the group date involves making out with pretty much everyone (except for Matt, whom Rachel asks "how's Kenny?) This is really not a good sign, Matthew.

Not looking good, bro

Kenny then has the "my daughter needs to know if I'm gonna marry you, so tell me now if I'm going to marry you" conversation. As it always happens, Rachel says right now she can't commit to that, so she has to let him go home to his child. I'm not a big fan of using the kid as a reason to blame this relationship for not moving forward excuse. If Rachel didn't want to become an instant mom, she shouldn't allow dudes with kids on the show. I would think she has that sort of veto power. Or is it the sort of thing where ABC tells her "yeah, you don't have to pick him, but we gotta put a single dad on the show because America loves single dads. You can just tell him he needs to go home to be with his kid week 5 though." Being a kid of a cast member on a Bachelor Nation show has to be tough. You gotta go to school and hear people say "yo, saw your dad got dumped last night because his tv girlfriend didn't want to meet you." That can't be fun.

Why would you go on this show, Dad? WHY?!?!?

Will gets a date, and it basically involves a trip to Sweden and  ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND. Will smiles a few times, Rachel doesn't. Will tries to charm her, Rachel actually rolls her eyes a little at one point, and he's going home. At least you got to go to Sweden, right dude?

So, if you're keeping track: On this episode we've now said goodbye to five dudes. Let's make it a six pack, shall we? Time for a rose ceremony at the end of an episode.....a rarity these days. Rachel then says that being in Denmark reminded her of the Shakespeare quote from Hamlet "to thine own self be true." Do we really think that Rachel pulled this information from her memory banks? I'm guessing she saw it in the gift shop at the castle when they walked by. She has to excuse herself because this decision is so hard on her, then dumps Alex. Wasn't really that tough, was it? She didn't really have any chemistry with Alex that I saw.

Mercifully, this two day saga has come to an end, and we can get back to only wasting two hours of our lives a week again in July. See y'all then!