Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (part one)

This episode was very boring, let's just get that out of the way. It's hard to write about boring material, so I'm going to supplement this with a buttload of gifs. Enjoy!

Kenny doesn't seem to understand how aggression works. Him whispering "you're a little bitch" and "I'm going to end you," is pretty damn aggressive. I mean, which is more scary: someone very angry yelling crazy stuff, or a person who is very calm and in control whispering threats of your impending death?

Worse than that was Lee saying "I don't like confrontation." This is akin to the Pillsbury Doughboy saying he doesn't like being poked in the belly.

Does he look like he dislikes this?

Jack Stone was then sent home on a one-on-one. The only thing I could see that Rachel and Jack had in common is that they'd both probably be better off dating another man on the cast.

I wasn't sure about that joke either.

Tickle Monster went home, and we're off to Norway.

Brian gets a date, they rappel of a ski jump, Rachel decides he's so perfect he must be lying about something and there has to be some sort of a catch. Turns out the "catch" is that Brian was "too skinny" in high school and the girls didn't pay him any attention. Boo freakin hoo Brian, it must suck to be an attractive skinny man. You get no sympathy points for having acne either, because what teenager doesn't deal with bad skin? He then tells her he loves her, and she gives him props for being so vulnerable and putting himself "all the way out there."

Heard that before........

There's a group date coming that involves playing team handball in spandex that we're going to have to sit through before we get to the main event of Kenny vs. Lee in a two on one date. Lee says "I don't think I've ever seen a two on one date where both guys have come home before.

Have you ever even watched this show, bro?

 I'm pretty excited for this team handball group date, as handball is my favorite sport American's have no clue how to play at the Summer Olympics. It's basically on par with curling for me. I mean...look at this:

That's pretty cool, right? Unfortunately, the guys don't play like that. They play more like this

Ok maybe not, but it's awkward and funny like them playing

Will tries to make the most of his time with Rachel, saying that he needs to let her know who he really is. He says something about knowing Nick hurt her, and around the same time, he got hurt by someone he loved "very much." That person picked someone else, and he says "for a while" he didn't think he would ever put himself out there again. So what was that "for a while?" It couldn't have been more than a month tops. Since everything moves at light speed on this show, I'll allow it.

And what the hell is going on with Josiah? He goes into a story about his dad telling his mom on their second date that the Lord put it in his heart that they were going to marry, and now he would be remiss if he didn't tell Rachel that she was the woman of his dreams. He says this as he strokes her shoulder. Rachel doesn't buy it for a second and says that he never asks questions about her or anything that he didn't read on the internet about her. Josiah, without missing a beat, says "that is an excellent point, you're very perceptive and I love that about you."

Did Josiah even hear what she said?

Josiah continues his string of confusing statements, criticizing Lee for being from the South, when he himself is from Florida. Off they go into the Norwegian wilderness.....or as Lee calls it "the land of the vikings." Lee's objective is to kill Kenny with kindness, Kenny's is to "focus on Rachel." Here's thinking they both fail.

Kenny starts his alone time talking about how he's looking for a woman his daughter can look up to and emulate...this is good! Then he goes on to say "the only thing I'm going to say about this is that Lee is a snake and I called him a snake and I yelled at him." Did Kenny accomplish his objective?

 

Lee decides to go on the offensive, telling Kenny called him a bitch, said he would sh*t in his boots, and forcibly yanked him out of a van. Nothing about Rachel, no kindness at all towards Kenny....this is clearly going well. Objective accomplished?

The episode ends with Kenny laughing like one of the hyenas in Lion King and saying that Lee is going to get "washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny." 

This is a good place to say "to be continued" because I'm going to need a while to unpack that sentence....see you tomorrow!