Bachelorette Season 13, Week 2: BBQ, Babies, Barkfest and Basketball

Happy Memorial Day, America! Please take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives so that we could have a TV show where a woman dates 30 men at the same time, kisses about half of them, sleeps with three to five, and then gets engaged to one before dumping him and dating six more guys in Mexico next summer.  God bless you all.

Rachel's gimpy dog is a good metaphor for the guys on this show: They're good looking, happy, and will follow Rachel anywhere, but there's just something not quite right about them.

The first group date involves a cookout with drinks in fancy copper cups. Whaboom Lucas is wearing some sunglasses that look like he got them for twenty skee-ball tickets at Bullwinkles. He continues to be as annoying as possible.

Oh look, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here! Apparently Ashton's Netflix show isn't doing well, and Bad Mom's 2 isn't getting off the ground.  The guys are freaking out about changing a diaper like they're disarming an IED in Kandahar. "Anything for Rachel!" Iggy gushes.  Changing your hypothetical wife's fake baby's diaper is not exactly what Meatloaf had in mind when he said that he would do "anything for love." At least I don't think so.

Rachel says she's looking for a guy that can handle everyday things that may come up in their life. These everyday things include two mega-celebrities putting them through an obstacle course involving changing the diaper on a doll, unclogging two different drains, vacuuming while wearing a baby on your chest, and setting the dinner table and making sure "it matches." I have no idea it means to match a dinner table, Ashton Kutcher.

Furthermore, this whole obstacle course thing is bullshit. NO WIFE WANTS A HUSBAND THAT CUTS CORNERS AND DOES CHORES THE FASTEST. If you do one little thing wrong or out of order, you're just creating more work for your wife. You all fail.

Also, there is far too much baby-spiking going on. Dolls are hitting the ground left and right.  That's not funny. Nobody thinks it's funny to harm a fake baby. It's like throwing darts at a picture of the Pope - you just don't do it.

Lucas gets his one-on-one time first, and he really tones down the whaboominess.  He even reads her a terrible poem that includes the word "entile." Blake has had enough of Lucas, and of course he's had an "encounter" with Lucas before. I'm wondering if that had to do with Blake losing a girl to Lucas because he's a stick in the mud, and Lucas is entertaining.

Turns out, Blake lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure that telling Rachel this was Blake's best strategy. If she's looking for husband material, a dude who is roommates with another girl is probably not the best candidate. I want to make a joke about this girl being Whaboomed, but I can't form anything coherent. And don't you think little interviews with ex-girlfriends of the contestants would be a gold mine? I'd love it if a guy was talking to Rachel and said "I really love giving massages" followed immediately by a smash-cut to his ex-girlfriend saying "that guy NEVER gave me a massage. He would rub my back for five seconds and then kiss me on the head and roll over and go to sleep."

Peter's date involves a private jet to Palm Springs for a dog party. A PARTY FOR DOGS. Rachel refers to her dog Copper as her "dog child." I'm respectful of people who love their pets. I get it. Dogs are awesome. I just don't get it when you treat a dog like a person. Throwing a birthday party for a dog....I'm ok with that. Any excuse to have other people over for a BBQ or a party is fine with me, but when you invite other dogs and put hats on them and sing happy birthday and bake your dog a cake...that's too much. That's the kind of people I felt were at "Barkfest." There's a pool for dogs. There's a photobooth - for dogs. Rachel leaves her "dog child" unattended in a swimming pool while she schmoozes with Pete....not very motherly. Also, the dog's cast has sequins, and I hate everything now.

Having a gap in your teeth adds character? At first I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but taking a step back, as someone with premature gray hair that never thought about dyeing it because it wouldn't be me, I can kinda get on board with this. These gap-toothed people have their heads on straight. Pete's my new front-runner.

Kareem Abdul Jabaar is here for the group date! This is a man who was named a cultural ambassador for the United States! This show can truly make anyone act like an idiot. You'll be surprised to learn that most of these guys are terrible at basketball. The only guy who has even a little bit of game is DeMario, and his team lost.  This is a bad sign for him. When you're the best player out there and you can't pull your team to a win in a game against other chumps....this does not speak well to your character.

Speaking of game, however, it turns out DeMario had a girlfriend right up until he went on the Bachelorette! Hilarity ensues when DeMario sees his ex and immediately recognizes her and says "ohhhh who is this?" He's not fooling anyone. He then tries to downplay the relationship, but his ex is having none of it. She's ready to swear "on her father's grave" that DeMario never dumped her. The most important thing to DeMario is not Rachel right now. It's his image.

Then we get Rachel telling us how she's "keeping it 100" and this isn't a game for her. The guys, rather than being thrilled that a guy who looked like a front runner twenty minutes ago just sabotaged himself, instead are acting like they're pissed off DeMario lied to them. I don't get how this makes sense, but ok. Rachel talks about how she needs to look past the charm and see what these guys true character is, then gives Josiah the rose after he gives like the schmooziest charmy smarm speech about how much it hurts him to see her hurting. It hurts me to see you act like this, Rachel.

DeMario's back! He's hanging out in the street begging for another chance, but it's still about restoring his character. You've gotta admire the lengths he's willing to go to try to come off looking good in this situation. It's also pretty cute that the guys don't think security and Rachel can handle DeMario without their assistance.

TO BE CONTINUED

Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 1: C'mon Rach!

Well, we're here for the Jackie Robinson of Bachelorettes, Rachel! I'm actually wondering if Jackie Robinson's name is brought up this season, which I think might be a bit of an insult to Jackie Robinson. Like Mr. Robinson, Rachel is the first of her race to do something. Unlike Jackie Robinson, I don't think people are throwing stuff at her bus, refusing to work with her, sending her death threats, or anything nearly on level with what Jackie Robinson went through. It's like calling the kid who stages a protest for third graders to be able to use the soccer field at recess the Martin Luther King Jr. of Oak Grove Elementary.

So we start with our totally unoriginal segment of Rachel and her life.  She's still claiming to be a trial attorney, even though we know she's been doing reality tv for over 9 months now. I about died when we see a clip of her "in action" in the courtroom and she objects based on "speculation" and side-eyes the other attorneys as the "judge" says "sustained." Do lawyers throw shade in the courtroom often? If so, I need to go to more trials.

On to the guys...let's see what we got:

• single dad pro wrestler
• 31 year old lawyer whose mom died 15 years ago and is now forced to wander through the park with his labradoodle.
• A bench pressing Russian computer coder who is definitely going to be getting a call from the FBi
• A Bay Area start up guy who has dance parties with about thirty of his family members all the time
• The Whaboom guy (holy hell)
• A guy who claims he's super horny because he works out all the time and talks about sex all the time
• Diggy the fashion dude with enough shoes to fill an entire house
• A prosecuting attorney whose brother killed himself and claims he cut his brother's lifeless body down from a tree as a seven year old, and was saved by an attorney who told him he "had the best grades"

Now we get all the girls who were dumped by Nick to advise Rachel on who she should date and how she should do it. They all end up talking about how much they love each other and how much they mean to each other and there are tears and champagne and then it's time for the driveway first impressions.

The first limo includes:

• Peter, who introduces himself as "from Wisconsin, but not Nick!"
• Josiah, who opts not to bring up his brother's suicide, but opts for lame legal term
• Brian, who goes with some Spanish and then says "have you ever dated a Colombian guy?"
• Kenny, the pro wrestler who calls her "Pretty Rachel" and goes from some dance moves

There are some other guys who don't get much airtime: A firefighter who picks her up, a guy who goes with an Urkel themed ice breaker, Diggy says he hopes he can teach her to Diggy, another guy asks if he can show her his buns (a Jamaican pastry), and a guy who smashes some ice with a sledgehammer, and the guys who already got to meet her at After the Final Rose.

Fred, who was a third grader at the same school when Rachel was an eighth grader, A guy who describes himself as a tickle monster, and then a whole bunch of gimmiky guys who show up with a dummy, a vaccuum cleaner, a penguin suit, an ambulance, and a few more guys who  play it fairly straight.

And now we're at the point where the guys all start to realize they aren't the only man on the show and multiple guys say things like "yo there's a lot of dudes here." Whaboom shows up and he's the worst. I'll bet the Tickle Monster is happy he showed up though - it's always nice to know you're not the weirdest person in the room.

ABC went and made a whole thing out of the guy bringing a creepy dummy version of himself. They gave the dummy a French voice, posed him by the fire with a champagne flute, and all sorts of stuff. I felt like it needed to be acknowledged, but I hated every second of it, and that's all I want to say about it.

Bryan speaks some more Spanish and then aggressively attacks her face with his mouth. She digs it. Rachel likes where DeMario's "headspace" is. I don't know what this means.

Hilarity ensues when the guys start stacking up five deep to talk to her. I actually laughed out loud when one guy interrupted her, only to be interrupted immediately by another guy who says "he just wanted to let you know that I wanted tot talk to you."

Blake has had enough of Whaboom. "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion who always pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under your seat," he whines. I don't know about you, but there is nobody like that at my family reunions. There's nobody like that at your family reunions. Blake's family sounds terrible.

Blake then doubles down by lecturing Whaboom Lucas about his motives. Blake then tells the camera that he believes good triumphs over evil, but if the girl picks evil, well then he's not backing down. So....if she doesn't pick him, he's going to not accept that and make her mind up for her? Good luck with that strategy, Blake.

Brian gets the first date rose, and celebrates by using his tongue to clean her esophagus.  Calling him an aggressive kisser is like calling Lionel Messi a good soccer player or saying Adele's voice is decent.

In the end, a bunch of dudes go home, and a bunch of dudes stay, including Whaboom, which, incidentally, is the sound a fist makes when it connects with his face.