Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 1: C'mon Rach!

Well, we're here for the Jackie Robinson of Bachelorettes, Rachel! I'm actually wondering if Jackie Robinson's name is brought up this season, which I think might be a bit of an insult to Jackie Robinson. Like Mr. Robinson, Rachel is the first of her race to do something. Unlike Jackie Robinson, I don't think people are throwing stuff at her bus, refusing to work with her, sending her death threats, or anything nearly on level with what Jackie Robinson went through. It's like calling the kid who stages a protest for third graders to be able to use the soccer field at recess the Martin Luther King Jr. of Oak Grove Elementary.

So we start with our totally unoriginal segment of Rachel and her life.  She's still claiming to be a trial attorney, even though we know she's been doing reality tv for over 9 months now. I about died when we see a clip of her "in action" in the courtroom and she objects based on "speculation" and side-eyes the other attorneys as the "judge" says "sustained." Do lawyers throw shade in the courtroom often? If so, I need to go to more trials.

On to the guys...let's see what we got:

• single dad pro wrestler
• 31 year old lawyer whose mom died 15 years ago and is now forced to wander through the park with his labradoodle.
• A bench pressing Russian computer coder who is definitely going to be getting a call from the FBi
• A Bay Area start up guy who has dance parties with about thirty of his family members all the time
• The Whaboom guy (holy hell)
• A guy who claims he's super horny because he works out all the time and talks about sex all the time
• Diggy the fashion dude with enough shoes to fill an entire house
• A prosecuting attorney whose brother killed himself and claims he cut his brother's lifeless body down from a tree as a seven year old, and was saved by an attorney who told him he "had the best grades"

Now we get all the girls who were dumped by Nick to advise Rachel on who she should date and how she should do it. They all end up talking about how much they love each other and how much they mean to each other and there are tears and champagne and then it's time for the driveway first impressions.

The first limo includes:

• Peter, who introduces himself as "from Wisconsin, but not Nick!"
• Josiah, who opts not to bring up his brother's suicide, but opts for lame legal term
• Brian, who goes with some Spanish and then says "have you ever dated a Colombian guy?"
• Kenny, the pro wrestler who calls her "Pretty Rachel" and goes from some dance moves

There are some other guys who don't get much airtime: A firefighter who picks her up, a guy who goes with an Urkel themed ice breaker, Diggy says he hopes he can teach her to Diggy, another guy asks if he can show her his buns (a Jamaican pastry), and a guy who smashes some ice with a sledgehammer, and the guys who already got to meet her at After the Final Rose.

Fred, who was a third grader at the same school when Rachel was an eighth grader, A guy who describes himself as a tickle monster, and then a whole bunch of gimmiky guys who show up with a dummy, a vaccuum cleaner, a penguin suit, an ambulance, and a few more guys who  play it fairly straight.

And now we're at the point where the guys all start to realize they aren't the only man on the show and multiple guys say things like "yo there's a lot of dudes here." Whaboom shows up and he's the worst. I'll bet the Tickle Monster is happy he showed up though - it's always nice to know you're not the weirdest person in the room.

ABC went and made a whole thing out of the guy bringing a creepy dummy version of himself. They gave the dummy a French voice, posed him by the fire with a champagne flute, and all sorts of stuff. I felt like it needed to be acknowledged, but I hated every second of it, and that's all I want to say about it.

Bryan speaks some more Spanish and then aggressively attacks her face with his mouth. She digs it. Rachel likes where DeMario's "headspace" is. I don't know what this means.

Hilarity ensues when the guys start stacking up five deep to talk to her. I actually laughed out loud when one guy interrupted her, only to be interrupted immediately by another guy who says "he just wanted to let you know that I wanted tot talk to you."

Blake has had enough of Whaboom. "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion who always pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under your seat," he whines. I don't know about you, but there is nobody like that at my family reunions. There's nobody like that at your family reunions. Blake's family sounds terrible.

Blake then doubles down by lecturing Whaboom Lucas about his motives. Blake then tells the camera that he believes good triumphs over evil, but if the girl picks evil, well then he's not backing down. So....if she doesn't pick him, he's going to not accept that and make her mind up for her? Good luck with that strategy, Blake.

Brian gets the first date rose, and celebrates by using his tongue to clean her esophagus.  Calling him an aggressive kisser is like calling Lionel Messi a good soccer player or saying Adele's voice is decent.

In the end, a bunch of dudes go home, and a bunch of dudes stay, including Whaboom, which, incidentally, is the sound a fist makes when it connects with his face.