Oh Chad.....starting off the episode with a montage of people talking about how terrible he is. If they hadn't shown that, his "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*ck you guys, I'm gonna make her my wife" toast would've been pretty funny. This seems like a good time to mention the urban dictionary for the name Chad:
A stereotypical douchebag asshole/jock/frat boy/ with an ego the size of the planet, who needs a swift roundhouse kick to the jaw, ala Chuck Norris style (though if actually issued by Norris, this punishment may be too extreme, even for a chad). Basically, they think they're the best at everything, love to talk shit, and are a general nuisance in every way possible.
A chad is somewhat easy to sight, as they're everywhere, but the only way to know for sure is to talk to/observe one. They typically dress in a similar manner to a "bro", though are not in fact bros. They either wear the latest fashionable clothing from big brands, or highly expensive graphic tees, most likely of the MMA (Mixed martial arts) variety. They most likely sport a tribal tattoo, or something of the like. They most commonly drive V6 Mustangs, S10 pickup trucks, or crotch rockets.
The group date starts with a limo in flames. There's a firefighter in this group right? However, he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the car literally exploding a few feet away from him. Instead, Jojo shows up on a fire truck and sprays the car down with a hose. All the guys then hop on the fire truck with her and head off for their group date. Chad really Chads it up, talking about how he used to be a car salesman and how he'd show people all the crappy cars before letting them see his good cars. I'm guessing this is some sort of car dealer strategy to wear people down and make them think they have to spend more than they were originally planning to or something, but it seems risky. Like, what if the person realizes that they really don't need bells and whistles, or what if they get bored and just decide they don't need a car right now? Anyways, Chad's convinced that given enough time, every single guy will hang himself, leaving Chad as the obvious choice for JoJo. Good luck with that buddy.
Chad then continues his slow climb to peak Chad, doing pull-ups with a suitcase held around his waist. Chad's like that James dude from Desiree's season, only more arrogant and mean.
I love that on the group date they're doing firefighter drills and Luke thinks that he's got a legitimate chance to out firefight Grant, an actual firefighter. This is a trait all males have. We all think we can do things better than people that are actually doing it. I can't count the number of times I've yelled a guy making millions of dollars to throw a baseball for taking a pitch. "I would've swung at that...I could've hit that a mile," I'll mutter at the TV. Or if a guy sees some other guy making some romantic gesture at a restaurant, he'll think "I would've had the mariachi band play a different tune...that would've been way better." Which of course completely ignores the fact that he never would've even thought to have the band come play in the first place.
Predictably, the firefighter wins the firefighting competition, and just as predictably, Luke is incredibly disappointed that he couldn't defeat someone at something they do for a profession. It's like getting mad you didn't eat as many hot dogs as Joey Chestnut at the state fair or something, or that you couldn't beat Steph Curry in a free throw contest. Yet this is the mind of a man. Ladies, we can't help it. It's really not our fault.
I gotta admit, I'm kinda pulling for Wells, if only because he doesn't look like he spends six hours a day in a gym and probably doesn't drink raw eggs on a regular basis. I'm actively rooting for the dude who brought in an a capella group on night one to serenade JoJo for him.
Luke looks like he just got off the set of Grease Live. I kinda liked this guy on night one, but if he's going to pull out a comb and smooth out his hair while his leg twitches like a dog being scratched on the haunches, I'm out on him.
As a guy, I'll freely admit that I'm not big on fashion, but what is the purpose of a turtleneck that shows off your midriff? To me, it's basically the capri pants of tops....it serves no purpose other than to look ridiculous.
Wells gets the rose, much to the chagrin of T-bird Luke. It appears that our girl Jojo may have a bit of Florence Nightingale Syndrome, and gives the rose to our baby-bird-that's-fallen-out-of-the-nest Wells.
Derek, who many of my Bachelor-watching friends agree is a reality show version of Jim Halpert, gets the first date. As the happy couple exits the mansion, Jojo walks him up to a vintage baby blue convertible and coos "you like my whip?" People still refer to their cars as whips? I thought that maybe went out of style when Nelly died. What's that? Nelly's still alive? Google tells me this the the second most asked question about Nelly, behind "Is Nelly Married?" If Nelly's still alive, why isn't he making music? I always liked that guy.......
I think the fact that I'm getting off topic is a bad sign for this season. Jojo is boring as hell. She's note cute enough (like Ali or Des) to carry the show, she's not crazy enough (like Ashley) to make it interesting....I'm not sure what she brings to the show.
Back at the house, Singing James is leading the guys in campfire singalongs. You have to admire a guy that can get 12 other dudes to break out in a song about a girl. He's basically Maverick trying to pick up Charlie in the bar. Maybe he's kind of missing the whole "I'm also a kickass fighter pilot" aspect, but that makes it even more impressive. Guys usually follow the Alpha male. James is definitely not an Alpha. Speaking of Alphas.....
Chad is a treasure. He just tried to say that nice guys are assholes and that he, being an asshole, is actually the nice guy. He's found a dopey sidekick in Canadian Daniel to agree with everything he says. They then compare the guys in the house to protein shakes. Because, when you're a Chad, you stick to what you know. If it wasn't protein shakes, it was going to be colognes, or crossfit workouts.
Back on the group date, Jojo's dress is covered with LED lights like a goddamned electric christmas tree. Oh wait, maybe those are just sequins. For a second I thought she borrowed David Hasselhoff's jacket from his Berlin Wall performance:
Jojo's style icon
Derek, by virtue of being our first one-on-one dater, gets the first opportunity to tell his sob story. He can't quite get it out though, until after he hears Jojo say how much our boy Ben Higgins hurt her. His story: I loved a girl, and she loved someone else. Welcome to the freaking club, buddy. I was just talking to a friend today about a girl I met in college that I hit it off with. She went to a college in California, and I made plans to go see her over spring break. Sometime between the time I left Oregon and arrived in the Bay Area though, she decided that her ex-boyfriend deserved a second chance and I was given money for an oil change and sent on my way back to Oregon. Granted, we weren't in a serious relationship, but it definitely hurt, and it definitely made me feel like a fool. Point is, it happens to everyone. You're not special because you got dumped.
Next up is some fun Disney cross-promotion, with ESPN personalities Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. They put the dudes through a series of goofy challenges starting with guys doing their best celebration dance. None of them are great, but Jordan's "rodeo" beats out Nick's "shower" in my opinion. The shower makes no sense at all.
This is followed by dizzy-bat proposals. Chad doesn't like the guys "lovely words" so he opts for the direct "will you marry me?" When he gets razzed for not being very romantic, he says JoJo is being a little "naggy," and then justifies his actions by saying "Me man. They boys. Me not let girl tell me what to do. Girl like man who tell them what to do."
Afterwards, Chad gets bashed by all the guys for being Chad, and Chad uses the Donald Trump response of "I'm being real and telling it like it is." After that though, he definitely states a strong case of "I'm not going to pretend I'm in love with you already. If these guys tell you they're in love with you because of what they saw on TV, that's weird." I hate to say it, but Chad's right here. He's done a good job of redeeming himself. The "naggy" thing was way premature, and I think it's a fine line between being honest and being Chaddish. He's gonna ride that line all season I think.
The guys are then ranked by Max and Marcellus, but curiously they only go Top 3. Is this another example of participation trophy society? We can't let anyone know they came in last? I want to know if Jordan, Christian, or Saint Nick came in last......actually I don't need to know. It was totally Christian. That guy bothers me.
In a classic Bachelor move, they send all the guys to their own room for no apparent reason other than to have them argue with Chad. Singin' James says he has a long memory and won't forget that Chad called him a liar. Something tells me his guitar doesn't scare The Chad.
Later, at the cocktail party, JoJo says that "James may not be the best athlete, but he came in first in the power rankings, so I'm going to pay attention to James tonight." God damnit Jojo. This statement is so weird. So James wasn't a factor because he's not in peak physical condition? How can this be when you just gave Wells, the male version of Olive Oyl, a rose on the last group date? James then goes on to say a lot of sweet things that show him to be a nice and thoughtful guy, even if he did have to write them down. Girls love notes. Why do girls love notes? I get the power of the written word, but it's easy. I'm way cooler online than I am in person. You know why? Because I can actually take my time and try a few different ways of saying things until I find the best way to say it. Chad wouldn't have called JoJo naggy in a chat room. He'd have had time to delete it and phrase it better. Notes are Cliff Notes for conversations. I don't know if girls fail to realize this, or are impressed that a guy would take the time to make sure he got the words just right. Me personally, I'd give more points for an unscripted attempt at romance that fell flat over a rehearsed perfect speech, but that's just me. And this is coming from someone who loves writing. James gets a kiss, which would be more significant if he wasn't the fifth or sixth guy this episode to climb that peak.
Chad then gives us a rundown on why all the guys are pathetic: Christian is fake and rehearses everything in his head before he says it. Again, I hate that I agree with him. Alex is too short. Not sure how Chad knows what JoJo likes. Nick tries too hard. Given that he showed up as Santa on night one, this is a hard point to argue with. And Jordan is fake. I can't understand his hatred of Jordan, other than he's threatened by him.
Chad gets his Chad time, and now he's explaining that the naggy thing was a joke. I can't be real and be a joke too. Jojo's convinced that Chad is overcompensating for something. This is a textbook move of the girl who likes a guy despite his general douchebaggery. "There has to be a reason he's an ass, and if I can just find out what it is, I can make him a good guy!" Turns out Chad's mom died recently, and he inherited his dead mom's tiny puppy. This is catnip for Jojo. Cue the makeout session! Chad's already sure he's got this thing locked up...but......
James gets the rose. Chad's shortlived nice-guy phase is over. Look the hell out, house. If Jojo pulled him aside and tried to explain why he didn't get the rose right now, I'm 99% sure Chad would hang himself. He'd just start talking and hating on everyone, and then eventually call Jojo stupid for wasting her time with the other guys. It takes talent to talk and tie a noose at the same time, but it's only a matter of time before Chad masters it.
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| Chad as he talks to JoJo |
At the rose ceremony, Chad tries the "I'm not here to make friends" tactic that has been attempted many, many times on this show before. It always ends the same. It'll keep you around for a few weeks, but very rarely does it get you all the way to the end. The only person to successfully pull this off was Courtney Robertson, who won only because she was also a freaking model and Ben Flajnik was a horny idiot. JoJo is not a horny idiot, at least that I can tell so far.
Chad's alone time rubs the guys the wrong way, and Alex needs to get to the bottom of this. "Why were you outside?" "What was happening outside?" "How did Jojo come to be there?" "What did you talk about?" Alex has watched A Few Good Men a few too many times. Calm the hell down, man.
Next the guy have a problem with Chad eating food. Again, why are we criticizing him for eating? There's plenty of reasons to hate Chad. The fact that he was smart enough to stand outside so Jojo would see him first, and likes to eat free food are not two of the reasons. I actually love that Chad not only knows that the guys hate him, but that he knows EXACTLY HOW TO TWEAK THEM. He's planning on talking to her again, just so Alex can issue a Code Red on him for talking to Jojo TWICE IN ONE NIGHT!
Even better, he cuts off Alex! This is a brilliant gameplan. I was sure that Chad would end up hanging himself with the noose he was making, but really he's about to hand it to Alex, who will walk right into it. Incredible move, Chad
Up next, the Mean Girls Club surrounds Chad to complain about him eating food and talking to JoJo. Chad is an asshole, but he's winning this night. Hands down. He then goes to interrupt Evan the Penis Enhancer. In what may be the saddest moment in the history of this show, Evan sits on the couch and tells the guys what happened and then hangs his head like a dog that just pissed on the carpet, and gets a consoling squeeze on the shoulder from the Hipster. THE HIPSTER! I just feel so bad for Evan. He helps guys get boners for a living and can't stand up for himself.
Alex may be short, but he's not afraid to stand tall to Chad. I love it when guys try to intimidate other guys by calling them "bro." "I ain't scared of you, bro. I can promise you that." Chad's had just about enough of this, and threatens to remove Alex's teeth from his mouth. Keep it together Chad. If you can just keep your cool, these other guys will actually fall for your plan and hang themselves.
I think it's telling that Wells, Derek, and James are the guys who already have roses tonight. They're like the three least macho guys in the room - Hipster and Dr. Boner don't count, as they're aren't even men. I fully expected both of them to get sent home, but Dr. Boner stood tall. In addition to Hipster Brandon, Superfan James can go back to watching the show on TV, and some other dude, I think it was the dorky engineer with the bad jokes, all go home.
Tune in next week, when Chad sneers at romantic gestures and drives guys crazy with his eating habits!
