As the girls make their way down the Strip, a GIANT LED sign says "Ladies, welcome to Vegas. I'll see you soon, Ben." The girls freak out like Ed McMahon just showed up at their doorstep with a bunch of balloons and an oversized check. "When I saw that sign, it was just so.....romantic," gushes one of the girls. I feel like I need to remind her that it wasn't addressed to her. It said LADIES. Awesome.
Jojo gets the date card, and Olivia makes sure to stake her claim again. "He is MY man," she says emphatically to the camera. This is so not going to end well for her.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that these twins don't normally walk on the same treadmill together. That just looks unsafe. I kinda feel bad for them. If they weren't blonde and pretty and sorta stupid, and also on television, people would talk about how great it is that they have such a close relationship. Instead it gets played up to the nth degree so we're all supposed to hate them. Sorry girls.
Jojo's date involves a helicopter, and of course it lands in plain view of the girls up in the suite. They all gasp and ooh and ahh as the helicopter lands, the wind from the rotors toppling a flimsy table with champagne on it set up for them. Ben and Jojo duck down behind it like they're in a shootout in an old gangster movie, but instead of popping up and filling the helicopter full of lead, they stay back there and make out. Seeing Ben get on a helicopter is interesting to the other ladies, but seeing him kiss is not. They all leave, except for Olivia, who has some sort of masochistic desire to torture herself. Again, it's not going to end well.
On the date, Jojo tells Ben that "some things in her past" are preventing her from giving herself completely to another person. Ben asks if her past boyfriend cheated on her. Jojo apparently doesn't want to admit on television that she's been cheated on, so she cryptically responds "there was someone else in his life." Ben apparently isn't concerned thanking her for replying to his yes or no question with an evasive answer. Jojo feels the weight of the world has been lifted. Ben kisses her and gives her a rose. Ugh. Then the fireworks start and Ben whispers in Jojo's ear "this is my last surprise for you." NOBODY IS SURPRISED BEN! We all knew they were coming, and you didn't set this up. Of course, the only people jealous of the fireworks show are the women in the suite, who of course can see the pyrotechnics from the room.
Groupppppp Daaaaaaate! It's time for a talent show with a guy named Terry Fator. Caila grew up watching him on TV. My wife says 'I've never heard of Terry Fator." The twins are badass river dancers, Jubilee found time to learn to play the cello during her horrible murder-filled upbringing in Haiti...or maybe it was during her tour of duty in Iraq, but the rest of the girls seemed a little lost. Terry lets them know that they will be opening his show tonight in front of 1200 people. "Las Vegas crowds are the toughest in the world" he tells them helpfully. Although nobody probably is going to be too thrilled about spending however much money it costs to see a Terry Fator show and having to first sit through a bunch of shitty performances by people only on stage because Ben wants to hump them. Good luck ladies!
Olivia, she of the embarrassing cankles and feet, plans on showing them off in a bikini on stage. And boy does she. She hops out and does the least sexy dance anyone dressed in a bikini and a sparkly cape has ever done. Olivia freaks out and has a panic attack after her performance. Because that seems like the time to panic. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps she had this panic attack before and they just spliced it like she freaked out afterwards. She's convinced that Ben is mortified and gave her a "pity hug." I'm just wondering if maybe she'd feel better if she TOOK OFF THE SUPERGIRL CAPE.
At the afterparty, Caila gets the first one-on-one time, and tells us that she's nervous because this is her first group date, and she's used to getting all the attention with Ben. Perhaps she's forgotten that Ben was way more interested in Ice Cube and Kevin Hart on their one on one date. She gets over her shyness right away and goes in for a kiss. Ben lets us know she's a "tigress....she's like a sex panther!" Ben is weird. He then hangs out with one of the Laurens and uses a ventriloquist dummy to get some action. Ben seems like he's sort of a perv.
Olivia is still melting down, and apparently she got some advice from Lace and decides the best way to get over it is to drink. Olivia can't figure out what's going on, and then gives an entire interview to the camera with her fingers in her mouth like a four year old. This is a meltdown of biblical proportions. AND THE SHOW IS ONLY HALF OVER!
Lauren B. has this competition locked up. Ben is so smitten by her. Lauren says something about being nervous and Ben's all "what can I do to help you get over that?" Lauren explains that she has doubts, and Ben's like "why would you have doubts?" I'm assuming he means aside from the dozen other women he's dating, but no he genuinely can't seem to grasp why she is having doubts. Lauren's baiting the hook, talking about how "nobody falls in love on a first date," a clear hint that she wants Ben to admit that he did. He does everything short of telling her flat out that she's got this locked up. I don't think anyone else even has a chance. Backing my belief up, Ben gives the rose to Lauren B. Unless she has a boyfriend back home, or a psycho family situation on the group dates (like maybe a stuffed squirrel holding a raspberry in her basement?), she's got the win.
Becca gets a one on one date including a wedding dress. One of the twins says "I'd love to marry Ben on my first one on one date" which basically sums up everything wrong with America today. Becca throws on the wedding dress, and I have to admit that she looks amazing. Ben gets down on one knee asks Becca to marry.....other people with him. Apparently he's ordained.
I feel like people who get married in Vegas don't really buy into the whole ceremony thing in the first place, so agreeing to have this doofus marry you is just another decision in a long line of decisions that these couples have said 'f*ck it, why not?" to. And just when I think this whole bit can't get any dumber, Ben says this:
"I say 'kiss the bride' and the first couple I marry, kisses. How amazing is that?"
What was he expecting? Were they not going to kiss? They just got married, so I hope they're in love and kiss all the time. Hopefully they kiss a little better and with more passion than that creepy Asian couple did, but still!
Becca then really brings this thing down by telling Ben that she wants to marry him. Really? Becca the virgin, Becca the girl that spent all of Chris' season seemingly indifferent to the entire Bachelor idea, now has decided after watching a bunch of people on their second, third, and possibly last chances tie the knot in front of a guy who got ordained that morning that NOW she's ready to get married.
Ben and Becca then have a real awkward conversation about sex that involves Becca essentially saying that Chris creeped her out and that she really wants to have sex, but is holding off for personal reasons. Ben then asks if it's hard not to have sex. I can say as someone who has never drank alcohol that it's a lot easier to not do something if you've never done it. If Becca were to slip and break her vow of chastity, I think it's gonna pretty hard for her to say "nah, I"m not doing that again." And what happens if she does get married to Ben, and then they break up two months later? Doesn't that ruin it?
Ben throws a curveball and asks for a two on one date with the twins. I don't think theres' any way either of these girls come back to the hotel after this date. I mean, they're already in their home town.....ABC can save a ton on travel costs if they drop the girls here rather than fly them to Iceland or Guam or something first. Further pointing to the saving travel costs, they have the date at their home. Hope their bags are in the trunk of that limo.
One of the twins (I'm really not paying attention to who is who) throws her sister under the bus, saying that she feels she has a better connection with Ben than the other one does. Didn't see that coming. Mom tries to be supportive of both the girls, but basically makes the decision for Ben, saying that Halie takes a while to open up, but knowing that she doesn't have that luxury in this situation. Ben says goodbye to Halie, then makes out with Emily in the limo as they drive away from her heartbroken sister. Bad form by both of you. You can't make out with a girl immediately after you dump her sister! This has to be a law written down somewhere.
Time to hand out the roses! Wouldn't it be an awesome twist if Emily doesn't get a rose tonight? Oh man I would love that. I mean, it's completely heartless and a terrible, terrible thing to do to Emily, but as a TV viewer that would just be the best.
I jumped the gun a little bit, apparently, because the rose ceremony will have to wait until after Olivia train wrecks her way out of a rose. She gives him this awkward speech about how awkward she is, Ben cuts her off mid-sentence to say "stop apologizing for being yourself" and so then she goes straight for the kill, saying "I'm 1000% in with you because I'm falling for you." Ohhhhhhhhh-livia. Not good. Joelle then gives her a lecture for telling someone that they love them before knowing those feelings were reciprocated. Olivia, backed into a corner, says "oh they were reciprocated." Joelle's gives her a look the basically says:
Finally going to the rose ceremony, and Emily does not have a rose yet! My dream is still alive! In addition to the girls that already had roses, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily (boo!), Caila, Amanda, Jennifer, and Leah take home roses. The last rose comes down to Amber, Olivia, and Rachel. I'd give it to Rachel based on process of elimination, as she's the only one that hasn't annoyed the crap out of me the past two weeks. Sadly, Ben is beholden to the ABC Overlords and gives the last rose to that big bag of crazy we call Olivia. Her fall from week one until now has been stunning.
Amber, now a three time loser, should probably just retire from television at this point. She can't leave without getting her final screen time, crying pitifully on a lounge chair poolside. This is just so sad. You knew this was probably going to happen, you put yourself in this situation, and yet you act like this came out of nowhere? Goodbye Amber. Don't ever come back.
