Bachelor Season XX, Week 9: I Love You, Two?

I think this whole episode can be summed up in one GIF:

Really, I don't need to write anything else. I'm going to, but I don't need to.

Ben talks up Jamaica as the best place to fall in love, but at this point, you can totally tell that he's just saying it because he has to.  The show is starting to show the weight of its twenty seasons just a bit, and this is one of the biggest ways.  I think the show could spice things up just a little bit by dropping a few of the cliches....lose the "perfect place to fall in love," "love is like (insert activity here)" analogies, and maybe tone back the "girl has been holding something back and hasn't opened up or let her guard down" nonsense.

Caila gets the first date, and it's basically the Little Mermaid experience: a secluded boat ride, no talking at all, with a Jamaican dude along for the ride getting frustrated that nothing is happening.  Tell me you didn't expect that raft guide to turn around and say "kiss de gurl!"

Caila feels awkward because, you know, she's in love with a guy that's dating two other girls.  I swear, it's like these girls never watch the show. Caila finally works up the muster to tell Ben she loves him, and he smiles and kisses her, and acts like this was what has been holding their relationship back. "If I'd only known she loved me!" he gushes.  Give me a break.  Nobody buys this, idiot. They make out while fireworks erupt all around them, and he leads her to the fantasy suite.  Stuff (probably) happens.  Morning comes. She says I love you again.  He pats her on the head. (Not really, but pretty much.)

Up next is Lauren.  He says his biggest problem is that she's too beautiful, and he doesn't feel like he's good enough for her.  The release some turtles into the wild.  They take in a reggae band.  Ben tells Lauren she's too good for him.  She tells him I love you.  He says "I love you, too. I've known I love you for weeks." She cries.  This is groundbreaking stuff for The Bachelor.  Never before has ILY been said before the final rose.  They go to the fantasy suite.  Stuff happens.  How do we know stuff happens?  Because ABC makes a point to show us a close up shot of Lauren's dress crumpled up on the floor next to the bed as they make out over breakfast. Can you imagine being Lauren's parents, or little brothers?  You've probably got friends over watching with you, because your daughter/sister is a bonafide TV star for the past ten weeks, and you get to see her dress in a wad by the side of the bed?  I wouldn't be surprised if everyone got up and started dancing like there was some insane dunk at some inner city playground.

JoJo's up last, and before the date, Ben makes sure to tell us that, if he's not sure he's in love with JoJo by the end of the date, he's got to send her home. Ya think?  They take a helicopter to a waterfall.  JoJo wears a bikini that almost makes me want to say "I love you" to her myself. So, yeah, I'm not surprised when Ben reciprocates her profession of love.  JoJo's brain breaks for a second:

Best. What? Ever. #TheBachelor https://t.co/MBLgZ9zzIM

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 1, 2016

They head to the fantasy suite.  Stuff (probably) happens.

At this point we can recap Ben's thought processes here.  We know he didn't think he was in love with Caila leading up to the date, despite saying that he had the "deepest relationship" with her.  We also know that he's been in love with Lauren "for weeks."  Again, his words.  Leaving JoJo out of it, he slept with Caila knowing that he was already in love with Lauren. And that's only if the dates actually happened in the order they aired.  If he actually went on the date with Lauren or JoJo before the date with Caila....that's some cold blooded stuff.

Now let's throw JoJo in.  He knows he's in love with Lauren.  He knows she's in love with him.  He knows he's not in love with Caila.  He apparently thinks he might be in love with JoJo, and he's willing to jeopardize what he has with Lauren for a chance to find love with JoJo?  What kind of gambling is this?  When you've got a sure thing, you need to push away from the table, bro.  It's absolutely mind boggling to me that he'd push his luck with JoJo when it's pretty clear he's been head over heels for Lauren since at least that night in Mexico where he wandered all over town with her while the other girls sat by the pool watching Jubilee self destruct. This guy is an idiot.  I mean, I get that JoJo is beautiful and looks pretty amazing in a bikini, but is it really worth it?

Back to the show, Ben realizes he has to tell Caila.  AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, Caila comes bounding up behind him like some sort of extra in a Caribbean production of Bambi and surprises him, to tell him she loves him (again) and squeeze a couple extra minutes with him out of this show before the rose ceremony.  He dumps her and says "he's told two women he loved them, but he wasn't quite there with her."  She's upset, and wants to know if he knew this before he took her on a date and let her tell him she loved him and let him do naughty stuff to her in the fantasy suite.  He plays stupid and says he wasn't decided on anything until this week, but that's bullshit because he told Lauren he's known for weeks.  So he's lying to someone....probably himself mostly.  See ya on the Bachelorette in a few months, Caila.

Rose ceremony time, and Lauren and JoJo size each other up.  This is the best rose ceremony I think I've ever seen.  Both women are entirely confident that they've already won this thing.  Ben tells us that he "doesn't want to hurt either woman."  Again, he's lying, because he has every opportunity to tell these girls that he's in love with them both and to bear with him while he makes the decision, but he conveniently leaves that out.  JoJo makes a toast "to love and meeting Ben's family" as she stares down Lauren like she's some sort of speed bump she's about to run over.  Lauren for the first time looks like "maybe Ben isn't telling me everything here."

This is going to end so badly, you guys.  I can't wait!

Bachelor Season XX, Week 8: HOMETOWNS

Ah, hometowns.  The time when everyone stops pretending that it's easy to marry someone you've only known for a month and gets real....well at least real-ish.  To the tape!

Hometown #1: Amanda (Orange County, CA)
Pre-family visit activity: Day at the beach.  Amanda shows up wearing tiny jean shorts and what looks to be the bottom half of a sweater.  The physics of what keeps that thing from falling to her waist are taught in a science class higher than anything I took.  Ben's got on a shirt and shorts.  Naturally, Amanda's kids show up wearing dresses and laced up knee high native-American moccasins.  Ben is nervous about what to do with the kids.  "They'll love it if you chase them," Amanda suggests.  Because all kids love being chased by strangers.  The older daughter seems fine playing with this guy, but the younger daughter, Charlie, is having none of it.  At one point, Ben picks her up like Arnold Schwarzenegger picking up a kid on his first day undercover in Kindergarten Cop - just hold her at arms length and talk to her like she's a puppy.  This whole thing is kind of weird.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Calling your girlfriend by your mom's name.

It could've been worse - the family kinda treated him with kid gloves, raising the point that "you can't go to the gym with your buddies" whenever you want with kids.  Ben says he never even considered being a step dad until he was dating Amanda, a woman who has kids.  Probably a good plan.  I don't know many men who go around trying to find single moms to date so they can become dads right away.  That's borderline creepy.  Amanda breaks down talking to her mom, saying "I think I've been so focused on the kids because that's what happy families do." No, that's what good parents do.  Also, for someone so focused on her kids, I was a little put off by her taking an upset Charlie to her crib, dropping her in there without a word and walking out to talk to Ben some more.  I'm sure there's some study that says putting your kids in a room by themselves when they're hysterically crying is good for them, but it makes me uncomfortable.

Sibling Factor: Almost none.  I think she had a sister, but she was pretty unremarkable.  Not sure she even talked.

Hometown #2: Lauren (Portland, OR)
Pre-family visit activity: Walking around downtown Portland and eating at food carts.  If I was going to give someone a tour of Portland, it'd probably include that.  I approve.  They end up a the whiskey library, something I've never heard of, but looks pretty cool. Lauren coos "I could sit in a room in total silence with Ben and be totally fulfilled."  I think she forgot to mention that that room needs to be filled with a wall of whiskey bottles from floor to ceiling. Lauren also gets docked for offering up that Portland is the City of Roses but not being able to back up her claim when Ben asks where the roses are.  I thought the Portland Rose Garden was prett y common knowledge.  I guess not.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Having your hand graze someone's butt on the bus when it stops abruptly.

Really not too awkward at all.  I was a little uncomfortable with the families insistence on calling her LoLo, as it's not a nickname that's ever been alluded to before on the show, and really, her going to by LoLo would've solved the four Lauren problem we had early on.  In what would be a common theme, the parents want to know what it is about their daughter that Ben likes.  Ben gives non-answers most of the time. I will give him credit for one thing: when Lauren's dad asks how Ben is handling meeting four families, he immediately answers "not well." It was probably the most real, honest answer anyone has ever given on this show.

Sibling Factor: Her sister was off the charts the star of this family. Before Ben and Lauren show up, she whines to her parents "If I brought a guy home after a month, you would have a lot of questions." Even better was the mom saying "well yeah, but that's you.  This is our LoLo," as if Lauren's judgement is above reproach, but her sister could be prone to bringing home a pimp or drug dealer at any moment.  There's a real sense of jealousy I got from her, as she tells Ben "my sister is pretty, smart, motivated, basically amazing....what do you see in her?" Ben starts crying.  Lauren's sister is all too eager to console him with a hug, as if to say "if it doesn't work out.....call me."  Bonus awkwardness in the final scene as the credits roll as her teenage brothers inquire about the fantasy suite.  Ben says "I'll never put your sister in a position that would be demeaning to her." Dude, you can't talk about "positions" when referencing the fantasy suite.  Guess the kinky stuff is out, Lauren.

Hometown #3: Caila (Hudson, OH)
Pre-family visit activity: A walk around her high school/college? I'm not sure what that was.  This is followed by a trip to her dad's toy factory to makea playhouse.  I thought this was fun and cool, but I seriously wonder what happens to that custom toy house if he picks someone else.  It'd be so ABC to film it being dropped off at Caila's house as she returns home after being dumped.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Asking the woman next to you on a cross-country flight when she's due when she's not pregnant.

Caila's dad makes a big deal about how awesome it is to marry a Philippino, which just seems stereotypical.  Nobody says "I hope you're ready to marry a Mexican, their families are awesome!" or "When you marry a white person, just know that they'll all act like they're super close, but really they just talk shit behind each other's backs, yet still demand everyone bend over backwards to make it to Easter dinner despite not going to church together since 1994." Caila has the emotional maturity of a twelve year old.  She continually calls her mom "mommy" and gushes about how Ben is "the one." Where her dad told her to calm down and be pragmatic about this, her mom is like "girl you get downstairs, jump into his arms, wrap your legs around his waist and show him how much you love him!" Those Philippino women......

Sibling Factor: Nil.  There's a brother, he says nothing.

Hometown #4: JoJo (Dallas, TX)
Pre-family visit activity: Talking about her ex-boyfriend.  Chad conveniently has been stalking her house and waiting for her to return to give her flowers.  Either that, or he's been buying a fresh bouquet of roses every day and placing them on her doorstep every day she's been gone.  Given that the dude is trying to get back together whith her over the phone, I'd guess the first.  He makes the very unconvincing argument of "baby, now that you're not around, I totally get how awesome it was to have you doing my laundry and making my food." She doesn't buy it, but she's clearly rattled.  Ben is also put off....as apparently this has happened to him before.  I can relate.  One time in college, I met a girl through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty well.  She invited me to visit her over spring break at her college in California.  I headed off on the ten hour drive, calling her before I left.  She was stoked.  I was stoked.  Somewhere outside of Redding, I called again and left a message.  By the time I arrived, something was clearly off.  The next day she let me know that her ex had called while driving down and wanted another chance. She was considering it, and therefore offered to pay for my oil change and sent me on my way.  Not the best spring break I ever had.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level:

I just don't think it could've been more awkward.  Her mom's face has been pumped so full of botox she looks like the cheshire cat.  Her dad just looks like he gave up about thirty years ago and has just let his wife and his kids spend his money with impunity since.  Mom seemed to have no clue how the show worked, and was like "you love him, he loves you, what's the problem?" When JoJo says "well, there's three other girls" she was genuinely shocked.  And then there were her brothers.

Sibling factor: Holy mother of God.  There's being protective of your sister, and then there's these guys.  Their concern seemed less out of protection, and more out of some form of jealously that JoJo would rather sleep with Ben than them.  The way they ran to hug her when she came through the door was weird, and it just got worse from there.  JoJo's brothers and Catherine's (Sean's season) sisters would probably get along great.  Ben was in the impossible situation of not being able to express how he really feels about JoJo while being told that they question his sincerity of feelings for their sister.  Also, where the hell was JoJo while this was going on?  Literally the entire family is there bagging on Ben, while she's doing what?  Playing Xbox?  Powdering her nose?  I don't get it.  I'd have told her her journey was over just for that.

Rose Ceremony

Dress Rankings

JoJo - snazzy red number.  She looked good.
Lauren - Simple black dress.  I also liked this.
Caila - Her emotional age might be 12, but that floral print looked like something on a 65 year old couch.
Amanda - Britney Spears called from 1999.  She wants her dress back.

There was no build up at all, no drama.  Amanda's the odd girl out.  She handles it like a champ, not crying, not getting angry, just saying that she wished he hadn't made her drive out here to be sent home.  She lives in LA right?  How far did she really have to go?  In any event, she left in such a way that Ben has to be wondering if he made the right decision.  Did he make this based on the kids? Will he regret that later?  Who knows.  All we know is that he tells more than one girl he loves her next week.  One time in college, my roommate invited two girls he liked to the same party at our house.  They found out.  I didn't go well.  I'm sure Ben's strategy will go much better.

Bachelor Season XX, Week 7 - Ba da ba ba ba, I'm Hating it

Crazy to think we're already down to six ladies.  The Ridiculous Six head to Ben's hometown of Warsaw, Indiana for the week. Ben tours his hometown in a vintage pickup truck that obviously doesn't belong to him.  I'll bet he drives a Prius.  I love how they try to hammer home to all of us that Ben lives on a farm, despite the fact that his parents have this enormous house on a lake with a boat dock.

Lauren gets the first one-on-one, and Ben drives her around to see Warsaw.  Fun facts about Warsaw - The Plumlee Brothers are from Warsaw, as well as Tom Metzger - A white supremacist who was grand wizard of the KKK in the 1970's. He takes her to see the movie theater where he shared his first kiss.  Ben then goes into great detail about this first kiss, and then re-enacts the whole scene with Lauren, who is forced to play the role of the 12 year old girl who laughed at Ben when he asked her all those years ago. Seemed a bit weird and creepy to me. After that, they drive past his church, which is massive. A couple quick searches on the internet let me know that roughly 25% of the population of the town goes to this church.  That is just nutty to me.....lots of groupthink in this community.  The date continues on to the youth center, where Ben used to work.  They spend time playing with kids, but curiously not together.  Ben plays with the boys, Lauren plays with the girls.  Ben consoles a crying kid named Eric, and Lauren exclaims "I've never seen anyone interact with a kid the way Ben did." As a flight attendant, you'd think she would've consoled a kid a time or two.  Teachers, doctors, coaches....she's never seen anyone say "you look like you need to have some fun?" I'm all for giving Ben credit - he's active in his community, works with kids...these are good things - but let's not act like he's the first person to do these things.  The director of the center calls everyone together and challenges Ben to a bet that Ronnie, a special needs kid, can hit a shot from mid-court.  If he makes it, Ben has to kiss Lauren.  Why we're doing this in front of elementary school kids is beyond me. There's no discussion of what happens if Ronnie misses.  Turns out Ronnie is known as "half-court Ronnie" and is some sort of basketball shooting savant, because he drains the shot and shows absolutely no emotion as he nails it.  Everyone around him goes nuts, but Ronnie is cool as a cucumber, as if to say "you really thought I'd miss?" I like Ronnie.  He's the real MVP of this skit.  Ben and Lauren then sneak off to kiss in semi-discreet areas of the rec center, I assume to not suck face right in front of the kids.  However, since the cameras still need to see them, they aren't exactly out of sight. This whole thing is kinda weird.  I'm happy when this date is over.

Up next, Ben takes JoJo to Chicago.  Because the date card can never be entirely straight forward, it says "let's find love in the Windy City." I was actually surprised when none of the girls asked where the Windy City was.  Sadly, I spoke too soon, as one of the girls remarks "the Windy City?  I suppose it is windy here" as we come back from commercial.  They head to Wrigley Field, where Ben explains that his dad and him love the Cubs.  JoJo has never played baseball before, and it shows.  She awkwardly pitches underhand to Ben, who stops her to say "this has always been a dream of mine, let me soak it in."  My dreams usually involve hitting a fastball off of Kerry Wood or Greg Madddux, not a real estate agent from Dallas named JoJo in a "Mrs. Lasselle" jersey, but whatever.  They then make out in the outfield, which is kind of cool, but also weird because the jumbotron is showing every tongue-wrestling moment in 1080p HD on a 100 ft screen directly behind them. I actually kind of hope that ABC just added that in post-production, because I can't imagine that's very much fun for Ben or JoJo.  JoJo then asks Ben what the large board with scores on it is.  "That's a scoreboard" Ben says.  "Oh come the f*ck on!" yells Andy at his television.

The three-on-one date is weird, as Ben sits on a truck on a farm and watches the girls fly kites.  Nothing of any consequence happens, until he gives Amanda the rose and says "so....Amanda and I are going to continue this date, so ya gots to go" to Becca and Caila.  It was a little brusk and cold hearted, and I get the sense neither of them really has a chance to win.

On the date with Amanda, Ben says that the point of bringing them all to Warsaw was to envision what normal life would be like, and one of the normal things he likes to do is to go to McDonalds.  I call huge bullshit.  For one, there are billions of "normal" things that you can do on a date in your hometown that don't involve a fast food restaurant that literally nobody over the age of 16 is going to take a date to.  Second, there's this:

This is some of the worst product placement ever. Ben's "normal" visit to McDonalds involves the world's friendliest cashier complimenting the beauty of his date and chatting him up about everything  If this was a normal trip to McDonalds, everyone would be pissed off that it was taking this douche so long to order.  He then says that he's "always wanted" to get behind the counter of a McDonalds.  NOBODY DREAMS ABOUT WORKING AT MCDONALDS! This is like the shittiest item from the shittiest bucket list of all time. So long as you aren't a felon (and probably even then), you can probably get a job at a McDonald's tomorrow.  The two of them then serve people in the drive thru, completing this normal time at McDonalds.  My normal trips to McDonalds involve me sitting at a table by myself, staring at my Double Quarter Pounder, crying in shame and whispering "I wish I knew how to quit you."

Emily gets the final date of the week, and she gets to go to Ben's house and meet his parents.  She takes this as a good sign.  It's not.  Emily tries way too hard to oversell herself, rambling and saying things you never say to parents the first time you meet them.  Things like "If I could just sit on my couch and watch movies all day every day, I would."  While I have no doubt this is true (and I would love to do that as well), you say something like "I love to read" or "I love volunteering" or anything that doesn't immediately make them picture you as a lazy waste of space.  Mama Higgins actually breaks down into tears when talking to Ben saying "I heard her talk a lot about her dreams and aspirations, but I didn't hear anything about your aspirations!" What kind of nonsense is this?  The woman is supposed to put her own dreams on the back burner for your Benny?  Way to set women back fifty years, Mama Higgins.  Because Ben is incapable of disappointing his parents, he dumps Emily immediately, saying "I don't see you ever being my wife." Again, there's no good way to dump someone, but this probably isn't the best way.  Essentially, he says that she's not mature enough for him, and then Emily proceeds to have one of the most mature exits in Bachelor history.  She's obviously upset, but she holds it together. Good for you, Emily.  You came in as a total joke, but left with a decent shot to be the Bachelorette...of course your sister might have to come too, and then it's just ridiculous.

Rose ceremony takes place on the steps of what looks to be a spooky abandoned courthouse...giving it the look of a horror movie set, and not the location of a ceremony to extend a rose to a woman that may be your wife.  Amanda, Caila, Lauren, and JoJo get the golden tickets to hometowns, leaving Becca out in the cold, and one season of the show closer to being the real life 40 year old virgin.  She's only got like 8 more seasons of this to go.  I love how Becca is seen as a failure, despite the fact that she's beaten out roughly 45 of the 50 women she's been up against on this show over two seasons.  Only on the Bachelor could you be in the 90th percentile of desirability amongst some of the most attractive women in the country, and view yourself as a failure.  My guess is she goes on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, says 'to hell with my morals,' hooks up with Chris Bukowski and then ends up marrying Jared from Kaitlyn's season.

Bachelor Season XX, Week 6: The One Where Everyone Acts Like an Idiot

What the hell was that?  That was one of the more frustrating episodes I've ever watched.  It was as if everyone did the exact opposite of what you would expect them to do.  Let's recap:

We start with the conclusion of last week's rose ceremony, where Ben pulled Olivia aside.  Instead of asking her why other girls are saying she's rude and mean to them, he essentially asks her why she's not getting along with his ten other girlfriends.  Olivia gives the standard "I'm not here to make friends, I'm an introvert  (an introverted TV newsperson - right), blah blah blah.  Ben eventually has heard enough and has made his point that she's on thin ice.  As I said last week, he's made his point, now he can send her home without a rose at the next rose ceremony. More on this later.  The girls see Ben come back with Olivia still holding a rose and they're not happy about it. "This means someone that deserves to be here is going home," one of them whines to the camera.  This line of thinking holds no merit, as the only reason anyone deserves to be there is if Ben still wants to have sex with them. Ben made the decision that he'd rather have sex with Olivia than Jennifer, and as a result sent her home.  The girls always seem to forget that being nice won't carry the day in most situations.  The same reason they probably dated a meathead quarterback in high school over the nice kid with bad acne in the drama class that volunteered at a soup kitchen and helped them with their math homework.

The group travels to the Bahamas and Chris Harrison makes an appearance to let the ladies know there will be a one-on-one, group, and a two-on-one date.  Caila is the "lucky" winner of the one-on-one.  Leah is pissed.  She's the only person remaining to not get a one-on-one, and is clearly upset that Ben chose to go on a second one-on-one with Caila before giving her a shot.  As if to grind the knife further, Ben sits on the couch right between Caila and Leah before talking about how excited he is to go on his date.  Again, more on this later.

Caila and Ben go out to partake in one of Ben's "favorite activities:" deep sea fishing.  How deep sea fishing became the favorite activities of this dummy from Indiana is beyond me.  That's like a Hawaiian saying their favorite activity is building a snowman. Just imagine this, but with Lilo instead of Anna:

The date itself is pretty unremarkable, other than Ben grilling Caila for some juicy backstory on her life that she's unwilling to give up.  She then says some weirdly vague bullcrap about feeling "like I'm in love with you" but being unable to fully love someone because she's afraid of hurting him.  Ben says "you're hurting me right now" and Caila apologizes.  Ben then says that her confusion and non-answers are sexy because they prove she's not happy all the time.  I give up on this dude.  "By all means, Caila, stop smiling and being fun to be around.  It turns me on so much when you talk in circles and confuse the crap out of me."

Caila also makes reference to Leah being upset that Ben picked her for a second one on one, but refuses to name her when Ben grills her for information.  Ben sucks.  More on that later.

The real fun of this episode starts with the group date, which involves taking a boat to a small island inhabited by swimming pigs.  Ben thought it'd be fun to get everyone in a bikini and feed pigs chicken sausages.  A few things I really like; women in bikini's, tiny uninhabited islands, chicken sausage, and pigs.  What I do not like is all of these things together.  This group date was the equivalent of puppymonkeybaby.

It is not sexy in any way when a girl is running for her life holding a processed meat tube over her head as a ravenous pack of pigs bears down on her.  Poor JoJo at one point was nearly dragged under by an unstoppable porcine wave.  Of course, Ben immediately says "this date is great.  Everyone's having a great time with the pigs.  Some girls are feeding them, others are trying to pick them up! Some girls are having the pigs chase them around!" No Ben, those girls are running for their damn lives.  Those pigs are trying to eat their little piggies.  The only direction Ben gave the ladies was to cross their arms over their chests to get the pigs to stop.  In reality, all that gesture accomplishes is keeping their bikini tops on as the pigs rake their grubby hooves all over them in search of more hot dogs.  What a nightmare.

Ben continues to show he has his finger on the pulse of the ladies by pulling JoJo aside and saying "isn't this great?" JoJo can't even lie to him and tell him she's having a good time.  She's like "you get that this is weird for everyone, right?" Ben does not get it.  Instead of sympathising with JoJo, he instead basically chides her for not supporting HIM.  "You get it, though JoJo.  Out of everyone here, you know how hard this is for me."  For you?  Poor Benny, having to figure out how to juggle dating nine women so desperate for his attention they're willing to be eaten alive by pigs to prove how much they love him.  What an idiot.  No girl is going to give him that validation....

.....except Becca.  When he pulls Becca aside, she says "yeah it's tough, because it's pretty obvious you have a real strong connection with Lauren B.  But I'm OK with that, because I like you so much."

I'm pretty sure that Becca just said that she was totally cool with him being madly in love with someone else because she likes him enough to let him do that.  Suddenly her virginity makes so much more sense.  Her boyfriends don't have sex with her because they're too tired from BANGING THE OTHER GIRLS SHE'S OK WITH THEM BANGING! What a disaster.

Ok, back to Leah.  She's desperate to stay around, because, much like Becca, she's so into this guy who is so into other guys that she needs to find a way to be with him.  Leah hatches a plan to sabotage one of the other girls relationships with Ben.  Incredibly, she decides to go after Lauren B. It's become clear that all the girls understand that Ben feels differently about Lauren B. than all the other girls.  You don't bring down the biggest wildebeest on a hunt, Leah. You peel off the slowest, ugliest animal in the herd and you kill it.

Anyways, Leah's plan almost works to perfection, as Lauren B. interrupts her just as she's telling Ben what a manipulative witch she is.  Ben immediately tells Lauren that he really likes her, but this one negative comment he got from a rival girl  has him all flustered.  Somehow, Lauren B. doesn't put it together that Leah might've been the culprit.  She goes back to all the other girls and sobs to them about how someone told Ben she was mean.  Leah walks in and says "someone said you were mean? Well it wasn't me!" Jesus, way to go Leah.  She played that about as cool as Jim Carrey after he farted in the elevator:

As if to double down on her idiocy, Leah then goes to see Ben again later that night.  She tells the cameras that she's going to give Ben one last chance to get to know her, and then proceeds to spend all her time bad-mouthing Lauren again.  Not surprisingly, Ben says "yeahhhh I think we're done here" and sends her home.  Another one of my favorites melts down.  Lauren B, you're all I have left.

The two-on-one date between Haley and Olivia could've been much more awkward and memorable, but the terrible weather they had cut this bit short.  Nobody was really interested in hanging out on that island longer than they had to.  Ben goes totally cold-blooded and picks up the rose before escorting Olivia down the beach to tell her "you see this rose? This rose is not for you." and leaving her alone on the beach as he prances back down to Haley to roll around on a blanket with her, before boarding a boat with her and leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts.  I did get a kick out of Olivia pleading her case by trying to distinguish herself from the other dumb girls by saying "intellectual things are my jam" and then telling Ben "she's come to a lot of important realizations lately." Ben questioned her on this, and not having anything really to say, she just blurted out "I love you." What a mess.

The episode ended with a rose ceremony and the lesser of the two remaining Lauren's being sent home.  The previews for the rest of the season look intriguing as Ben is evidently going to pull a reverse Brad Womack and propose to two women as opposed to none.  Or probably not.  Damn you, ABC and your misleading edits.

Bachelor Season XX, Week 5: You Probably Don't Know what Mexico City is Known For

A bit delayed this week (my wife took the computer last night while she put our daughter to bed, then fell asleep herself), but here's a quick an dirty rundown of the night:

Ben followed in the footsteps of so many Bachelors before him and woke the girls up at an insanely early time - if I were the girls, I'd be nervous at how easily the hotels they stay at give up room keys - and of course they all freak out at being seen in such a disheveled state.  Lauren H. in particular had a rough time being seen in her retainer.  With the retainer in and her hair a mess, she kind of looked and sounded like one of my all time favorite movie characters:

Single Mom gets the date, and of course she wakes up looking a little like Ariana Grande in the Bang Bang video.  I'm wondering if she went to bed like that, or got up at 2 am to get ready and then pretended to be asleep again when the cameras come.  Assuming it's the latter.  They went hot air ballooning over an ancient city called Teotihuacan.  They then ate dinner and she talked about how she married too young and got pregnant twice and some other stuff, but to be honest, I was super bored and her voice annoyed me, so I mostly watched Ted Cruz try to kiss his daughter on a loop for the entirety of this date.  Seriously, I can't get enough of this clip:

On to the group date!  They made Mexican food or whatever, but really all you need to know is Jojo said this:

Nobody talks like this in real life.  NOBODY.

At the afterparty, Jubilee talks a good game about getting to Ben first and making her presence felt, but she puts forth hardly any effort as Olivia once again crowbars her way into Ben's personal bubble.   As Olivia says that making food with Ben (that the chefs thought was terrible by the way) made for the "best day ever," Jubilee commands one of the other girls to go break them up so that she can talk to Ben.  Why another girl would do this for her, I have no idea.  Anyways, nobody accommodates Jubilee, and she's getting madder and madder as Ben grabs girl after girl to talk to first.  Except Lauren B.  He doesn't so much talk to her as plant his DNA all over her mouth with his tongue in every corner of the city.  Because nothing says romance like aggressive kissing in a Mexican alley.  He is clearly smitten with Lauren B. in  a way he's not with the other girls.

Finally, he comes a-calling for Ms. Jubilee, who is bound and determined to make him pay for disrespecting her all night. She starts by refusing to hold his hand in front of the other girls.  She claims that this is because she "doesn't want to offend anyone." At first this logic made no sense to me, but remember how the girls basically thought that the back rub he gave her after Lace went home was tantamount to Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee on a boat, I kind of get where she's coming from.  She then chides Ben for making her have to wait and watch him date other girls and OH MY GOD do we have to do this every season? There's always one girl who fails to grasp the realities of the show she's on and demands to be treated like she would be if she weren't on television. They love the fancy clothes and extravagant dates in exotic locations, but are completely unwilling to accept the pesky little detail of the twenty other women and cameras everywhere that make the other stuff possible. It always cracks me up when the girls play the "you need to prove to me that you like me more than the other girls" card on this show.  I know that probably works for them back in the real world.  Back home, there's not twelve girls that look incredible in bikinis hanging on his every word either.  Why would Ben waste his time and energy with the one girl basically begging for him to prove his affection when the other ten girls just light up when he walks into the room and looks in their general direction?  Don't make it hard on yourself, Jubes.  She then says "I look at the Laurens (blonde) and the Olivias (blonde) and the Beccas (blonde) and realize that I'm not that kind of girl.  I think this is a subtle reminder to Ben that she's not white and reminding him that some people might see him as racist for dismissing her, but it's too late though: she asks if he sees a future together, and he says "based on the other relationships, I'd have to say no." Then, amazingly, he asks her if she would agree that it's time for her to go home.  Because yes, she'd much rather go home than continue traveling the world on ABC's dime, Ben.  What a dummy.

He then returns to the group and makes an overdramatic speech that involves the term "Jubilee was someone who from the very beginning intrigued me greatly." Like I said, I think he realized this might be the only chance a dorky white guy from Indiana would ever get to date a black girl and then break up with her for no apparent reason without repercussion.  Jubilee just made the whole process easier for him by getting all clingy.  I kept waiting for the shot of Jubilee talking in the car to her mom, but then I remember that everyone she know is dead, except for her commanding officer and whomever it was that taught her to play the cello.  She'll be alright. Oh, and somehow Olivia gets the rose, despite Lauren B. getting most of his time (and his tongue). This will be important later.  Also, the girls are PISSED at his decision.  Also important.

Lauren H. gets the second one-on-one date, which involved Mexican fashion week.  Ben tells us that a lot of people don't know that Mexico City is known for its fashion, which seems like a huge contradiction to me.  How can something be "known" if most people don't know it.  Most people don't know that I'm known for being the best Bachelor blogger on the internet either.  Lauren H. is nice, they seem to get along well, but the rest of the date is boring. She gets a rose.

Prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all talking and Amanda is talking about her baby daddy and all the fun stuff that comes with sharing custody, and Olivia says "this sounds like an episode of Teen Mom that I watched." Now, Olivia is like 23 years old and probably doesn't have any friends who even have kids yet, so I'm willing to give her a little grief and then move on.  The girls, however, are not as understanding.  Granted, Olivia's a much bigger annoyance in their lives than mine, so their anger is more of a "lifetime achievement award" towards Olivia than anything else.

Remaining Twin (I think it's Emily) is really upset about all this and calls Dumped Twin (Haley).  Remaining Twin has been the most likable she's been all season this episode, but as soon as she gets on the phone with her twin, it's like she morphs into this ditzy valley girl instantly and starts talking in a whiny voice and everything is SO DRAMATIC.  I just watched an Episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about the phenomenon of "revertigo" - where you change and evolve over time, but when you see someone from your past, you instantly become who you were the last time you were with them.  Like Lily in this scene with her high school friend Michelle.  Anyways Remaining Twin decides to tell Ben how terrible Olivia is, and once she becomes the Jackie Robinson of tattling, the other girls line up for their turn in the big leagues.  One after another, they all tell Ben what a monster Olivia is to them.

Now Ben's in a situation. He's already given Olivia a rose, but she's also clearly someone that everyone else hates. He postpones the rose ceremony to talk to Olivia, and that's where this episode ends.  Will he take back the rose?  I don't think so. Ben's been very conscious of other people's feelings throughout this season, and I don't think he'll want to be the first bachelor to rip a rose away from someone.  More than likely, he'll just tell Olivia "look, the other girls hate you, and now I have to pay more attention to that.  Watch yourself." and then sit back and watch the fireworks next week as Olivia self destructs and either sends herself home or he can be entirely justified in dismissing her. If you start messing with the sanctity of the rose, I'm not sure what the point of the show is anymore.

And I'll just end this now, because clearly I'm tired. I just tried to defend the structure and morality of The Bachelor television series.

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Bachelor Season XX, Week 4 - Vegas Baby!

As the girls sit and discuss how "things aren't the same anymore...I feel like something's going to happen today."  As if they expected to stay in L.A. the entire time.  C'mon ladies.  Chris comes in and tells them "Ben's no longer in Los Angeles." After the girls have mild panic attacks for no reason, they find out they're joining him in Vegas.  My wife is watching with me tonight, and her first words are "why are they so excited to go to Vegas?  I have no desire to go there."  My wife would be a terrible contestant on this show.  I'm sure America would love her.

As the girls make their way down the Strip, a GIANT LED sign says "Ladies, welcome to Vegas. I'll see you soon, Ben." The girls freak out like Ed McMahon just showed up at their doorstep with a bunch of balloons and an oversized check.  "When I saw that sign, it was just so.....romantic," gushes one of the girls.  I feel like I need to remind her that it wasn't addressed to her.  It said LADIES.  Awesome.

Jojo gets the date card, and Olivia makes sure to stake her claim again.  "He is MY man," she says emphatically to the camera.  This is so not going to end well for her.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that these twins don't normally walk on the same treadmill together.  That just looks unsafe.  I kinda feel bad for them.  If they weren't blonde and pretty and sorta stupid, and also on television, people would talk about how great it is that they have such a close relationship.  Instead it gets played up to the nth degree so we're all supposed to hate them.  Sorry girls.

Jojo's date involves a helicopter, and of course it lands in plain view of the girls up in the suite.  They all gasp and ooh and ahh as the helicopter lands, the wind from the rotors toppling a flimsy table with champagne on it set up for them.  Ben and Jojo duck down behind it like they're in a shootout in an old gangster movie, but instead of popping up and filling the helicopter full of lead, they stay back there and make out.  Seeing Ben get on a helicopter is interesting to the other ladies, but seeing him kiss is not.  They all leave, except for Olivia, who has some sort of masochistic desire to torture herself.  Again, it's not going to end well.

On the date, Jojo tells Ben that "some things in her past" are preventing her from giving herself completely to another person.  Ben asks if her past boyfriend cheated on her.  Jojo apparently doesn't want to admit on television that she's been cheated on, so she cryptically responds "there was someone else in his life." Ben apparently isn't concerned thanking her for replying to his yes or no question with an evasive answer.  Jojo feels the weight of the world has been lifted.  Ben kisses her and gives her a rose.  Ugh. Then the fireworks start and Ben whispers in Jojo's ear "this is my last surprise for you."  NOBODY IS SURPRISED BEN! We all knew they were coming, and you didn't set this up.  Of course, the only people jealous of the fireworks show are the women in the suite, who of course can see the pyrotechnics from the room.

Groupppppp Daaaaaaate! It's time for a talent show with a guy named Terry Fator.  Caila grew up watching him on TV.  My wife says 'I've never heard of Terry Fator."  The twins are badass river dancers, Jubilee found time to learn to play the cello during her horrible murder-filled upbringing in Haiti...or maybe it was during her tour of duty in Iraq, but the rest of the girls seemed a little lost.  Terry lets them know that they will be opening his show tonight in front of 1200 people.  "Las Vegas crowds are the toughest in the world" he tells them helpfully.  Although nobody probably is going to be too thrilled about spending however much money it costs to see a Terry Fator show and having to first sit through a bunch of shitty performances by people only on stage because Ben wants to hump them.  Good luck ladies!

Olivia, she of the embarrassing cankles and feet, plans on showing them off in a bikini on stage.  And boy does she.  She hops out and does the least sexy dance anyone dressed in a bikini and a sparkly cape has ever done.  Olivia freaks out and has a panic attack after her performance.  Because that seems like the time to panic.  I'm starting to wonder if perhaps she had this panic attack before and they just spliced it like she freaked out afterwards.  She's convinced that Ben is mortified and gave her a "pity hug." I'm just wondering if maybe she'd feel better if she TOOK OFF THE SUPERGIRL CAPE.

At the afterparty, Caila gets the first one-on-one time, and tells us that she's nervous because this is her first group date, and she's used to getting all the attention with Ben.  Perhaps she's forgotten that Ben was way more interested in Ice Cube and Kevin Hart on their one on one date. She gets over her shyness right away and goes in for a kiss.  Ben lets us know she's a "tigress....she's like a sex panther!" Ben is weird.  He then hangs out with one of the Laurens and uses a ventriloquist dummy to  get some action.  Ben seems like he's sort of a perv.

Olivia is still melting down, and apparently she got some advice from Lace and decides the best way to get over it is to drink. Olivia can't figure out what's going on, and then gives an entire interview to the camera with her fingers in her mouth like a four year old.  This is a meltdown of biblical proportions.  AND THE SHOW IS ONLY HALF OVER!

Lauren B. has this competition locked up.  Ben is so smitten by her.  Lauren says something about being nervous and Ben's all "what can I do to help you get over that?" Lauren explains that she has doubts, and Ben's like "why would you have doubts?" I'm assuming he means aside from the dozen other women he's dating, but no he genuinely can't seem to grasp why she is having doubts.  Lauren's baiting the hook, talking about how "nobody falls in love on a first date," a clear hint that she wants Ben to admit that he did.  He does everything short of telling her flat out that she's got this locked up. I don't think anyone else even has a chance.  Backing my belief up, Ben gives the rose to Lauren B.  Unless she has a boyfriend back home, or a psycho family situation on the group dates (like maybe a stuffed squirrel holding a raspberry in her basement?), she's got the win.

Becca gets a one on one date including a wedding dress.  One of the twins says "I'd love to marry Ben on my first one on one date" which basically sums up everything wrong with America today.  Becca throws on the wedding dress, and I have to admit that she looks amazing.  Ben gets down on one knee asks Becca to marry.....other people with him.  Apparently he's ordained.

I feel like people who get married in Vegas don't really buy into the whole ceremony thing in the first place, so agreeing to have this doofus marry you is just another decision in a long line of decisions  that these couples have said 'f*ck it, why not?" to.  And just when I think this whole bit can't get any dumber, Ben says this:

"I say 'kiss the bride' and the first couple I marry, kisses.  How amazing is that?"

What was he expecting?  Were they not going to kiss?  They just got married, so I hope they're in love and kiss all the time.  Hopefully they kiss a little better and with more passion than that creepy Asian couple did, but still!

Becca then really brings this thing down by telling Ben that she wants to marry him.  Really?  Becca the virgin, Becca the girl that spent all of Chris' season seemingly indifferent to the entire Bachelor idea, now has decided after watching a bunch of people on their second, third, and possibly last chances tie the knot in front of a guy who got ordained that morning that NOW she's ready to get married.

Ben and Becca then have a real awkward conversation about sex that involves Becca essentially saying that Chris creeped her out and that she really wants to have sex, but is holding off for personal reasons.  Ben then asks if it's hard not to have sex.  I can say as someone who has never drank alcohol that it's a lot easier to not do something if you've never done it.  If Becca were to slip and break her vow of chastity, I think it's gonna pretty hard for her to say "nah, I"m not doing that again." And what happens if she does get married to Ben, and then they break up two months later?  Doesn't that ruin it?

Ben throws a curveball and asks for a two on one date with the twins.  I don't think theres' any way either of these girls come back to the hotel after this date. I mean, they're already in their home town.....ABC can save a ton on travel costs if they drop the girls here rather than fly them to Iceland or Guam or something first.  Further pointing to the saving travel costs, they have the date at their home.  Hope their bags are in the trunk of that limo.

One of the twins (I'm really not paying attention to who is who) throws her sister under the bus, saying that she feels she has a better connection with Ben than the other one does. Didn't see that coming. Mom tries to be supportive of both the girls, but basically makes the decision for Ben, saying that Halie takes a while to open up, but knowing that she doesn't have that luxury in this situation.  Ben says goodbye to Halie, then makes out with Emily in the limo as they drive away from her heartbroken sister.  Bad form by both of you.  You can't make out with a girl immediately after you dump her sister! This has to be a law written down somewhere.

Time to hand out the roses! Wouldn't it be an awesome twist if Emily doesn't get a rose tonight?  Oh man I would love that. I mean, it's completely heartless and a terrible, terrible thing to do to Emily, but as a TV viewer that would just be the best.

I jumped the gun a little bit, apparently, because the rose ceremony will have to wait until after Olivia train wrecks her way out of a rose.  She gives him this awkward speech about how awkward she is, Ben cuts her off mid-sentence to say "stop apologizing for being yourself" and so then she goes straight for the kill, saying "I'm 1000% in with you because I'm falling for you." Ohhhhhhhhh-livia.  Not good.  Joelle then gives her a lecture for telling someone that they love them before knowing those feelings were reciprocated.  Olivia, backed into a corner, says "oh they were reciprocated."  Joelle's gives her a look the basically says:

Finally going to the rose ceremony, and Emily does not have a rose yet!  My dream is still alive! In addition to the girls that already had roses, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily (boo!), Caila, Amanda, Jennifer,  and Leah take home roses.  The last rose comes down to Amber, Olivia, and Rachel.  I'd give it to Rachel based on process of elimination, as she's the only one that hasn't annoyed the crap out of me the past two weeks.  Sadly, Ben is beholden to the ABC Overlords and gives the last rose to that big bag of crazy we call Olivia.  Her fall from week one until now has been stunning.

Amber, now a three time loser, should probably just retire from television at this point.  She can't leave without getting her final screen time, crying pitifully on a lounge chair poolside.  This is just so sad. You knew this was probably going to happen, you put yourself in this situation, and yet you act like this came out of nowhere?  Goodbye Amber.  Don't ever come back.

Bachelor Season XX, Week 3: Priorities

Welcome to the annual MLK Day Edition of the blog!  I'm always home with the kids by myself on this day (for which I'm very grateful, don't get me wrong) but it usually leads to me being mentally exhausted by the time I get around to watching The Bachelor.  This could lead to me either missing some really obvious jokes, or being way meaner than usual with the "ladies."  Let's hope for the latter!

Olivia spend $40K on clothes?  I'm trying to figure out how that's even possible.  It's like the Powerball meme that was going around last week:  if Olivia split her clothes up amongst the entire country, every woman in America could have a v-neck white t-shirt and one shoe.

Lauren B. gets the first date. Caila says he looks "very handsome in powder blue," as if she'd say he looked like a bum in periwinkle or some other generic t-shirt.  Lauren gets her date, and we're treated to this season's first "ABC has a sense of humor" date - take the flight attendant to an airport!  Of course, she's never seen a biplane before, which makes zero sense to me.  It seems like 85% of the airports I have been to have a biplane affixed to the ceiling. Has she never read a Peanuts comic strip?  (don't answer that.)

Anyways, they do a flyby on the Bachelor mansion, as all the girls halfheartedly pretend to be offended for the cameras, though I think their annoyance probably comes more from production assistants interrupting their sunbathing time and momentarily having to pull their lips away from the straws on their fruity drinks to make them look at the plane in the sky.  Up in the plane, Lauren and Ben kiss with all the passion of a mother bird feeding her chicks.  The rapid fire pecking is further hindered by the microphones on their headsets preventing full lip to lip contact.  I see nothing romantic about this date at all - it's loud, the wind is blowing, you're wearing ridiculous helmets and you can't move.  Unless there's some hand action going on in that cockpit, I'm not seeing either of them really enjoying this all that much.  Though I guess there's a view.

The plane lands, and Ben gives Lauren a piggy back into a field that looks like the sort of place you'd dump a body if you never wanted it to be found.  There's nothing out here...at all.  Except of course, the hot tub Ben and Caila shared with Kevin Hart last week.  Because you can't take a girl on a date without seeing her in a swimsuit.  Ben is making this pretty easy on himself: "Oh look, let's share a cockpit with no room for you to get away from me......what? there's an empty field with a hot tub in it? What are we going to do with this?" This is how a nice guy acts dirty without having to seem like a perv....give her no choice other than to make out with you.

Meanwhile, Caila's crying back at the house thinking about how her "one on one" date involved two celebrities and a hot tub in a dirty ass store in a run-down neighborhood.  Wait till she hears that Lauren got a hot tub in a meadow with nobody around for seventeen miles!

As Lauren and Ben transition to dinner, Ben asks how some guy hasn't "snatched her up" yet.  Translation: you're super hot and don't seem insane, so what am I missing? Lauren claims she's very picky, and that's because of her dad.  Her dad is the most amazing person alive, so good luck comparing to him! I'm still not cool with girls saying that they want a guy just like their dad (or guys saying they want a woman just like their mom).  It's like saying you want your steak to be just like your salmon.  They're both amazing, but in different ways, and there's nothing wrong with letting steak be steak and salmon be salmon.

In a weird role reversal, Ben gives Lauren his tale of woe.  Typically it's the contestants playing the pity card on the Bachelor.  Makes me think he's working hard on getting her to like him.  She could be around for a while.  Dinner adjourns, and they head to the barn to listen to some country singer I've never heard of, and the look on Lauren's face lets me know she's about as familiar with country music as she is with vintage airplanes.  She gets the rose.

GROUP DATE!

Time to play soccer at the Los Angeles Coliseum! Am I the only one wondering why they're not using the Rose Bowl?  That's an infinitely more iconic soccer stadium.  Wikipedia let me know that, aside from a handful of Gold Cup matches, LA Coliseum has only really hosted one other soccer tournament:  Something called the Marlboro Cup which is about as prestigious as the title sponsor implies.  On the other hand, the Rose Bowl played host to probably the most important women's soccer game of all time and also the 1994 Men's World Cup final.  I'll bet I'm probably one of three people watching the bachelor who cares about this.

No matter, because here come Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara, my two favorite U.S. women's soccer players!  Sometimes The Bachelor just gets me. I also love that they get to wear shirts identifying them as World Champions....do you think they ever wear those shirts around?  Surprise, surprise, the girls suck at soccer.

Back at the house, Jubilee is complaining about how much more complicated she is than all the other girls...to one of the other girls.  Jubilee thinks that Caila and Lauren B. are pretty similar, and that they're Ben's type.  Aside from the skin tone, I'm not sure their personalities are anything alike.  Caila is loud and outgoing and giggly - Lauren B. is much more "let's go antiquing and drink fancy wine." But I guess when you're stuck in a house all week with nothing to do but drink and think about how you're not on a date, your mind tends to draw conclusions that aren't there.

Time for the girls to play some soccer! Winners get an after party, losers take the reject bus home, where they get to silently glare at all the other girls on their team for not being better at a sport they've never played before. Whatever helps you sleep at night.  Ben gives the girls a pep talk that involves the line "we're playing for not only tonight, but this moment." Also, who picked out these uniforms, Sepp Blatter?

Shushanna cramped up, and the stripes team wins.  Shushanna ends up crying on the bathroom floor, cursing her leg muscles for not being there for the right reasons and preventing her for having more time with Ben. Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara silently run away, horrified that girls actually act like that in the real world.  And here they thought they were inspiring women to be more independent and confident.

Olivia takes advantage of the extra time at the afterparty to steal Ben away immediately and then wonder why the other girls seem threatened by her. Ben responds by saying he wouldn't have given her the first impression rose if he didn't think she could handle it.  Ben, you didn't elect her ambassador to Iraq.  You gave her a rose that basically means "I hope to see you in a hot tub later on this week." While Olivia is off telling Ben how much she's missed him in the past three days, the girls are busy talking about how she has fake boobs, bad breath, and ugly toes.  The fake boobs thing seems like a pretty standard girl insult. "At least I didn't pay for my body!" says the girl who spends $800 a month at the salon and an additional $200 for a personal trainer.  The bad breath thing seems dubious, since Olivia's mouth opens so wide I have a hard time believing it's not well ventilated.  And the toes? How do you criticize someone's toes?  Toes are basically your body's external appendix - they're there, but evolution is pretty much trying its damnedest to make them obsolete.  Jami decides that she's not interested in being catty about Olivia's appearance, but has no qualms being catty and ratting out the other girls to Olivia.  She tells Olivia that the girls were picking apart her appearance, and Olivia instantly says "this is about my cankles, isn't it?" Jami tells her it's her toes, and Olivia has a look of utter disgust.  "They were critiquing my....TOES?" It does seem petty, doesn't it? But then....."I mean, I know my toes are ugly - I HATE my toes!" What?  How disgusting are these toes?  Is she some sort of super attractive, tall hobbit?  I need to see these things!

Olivia's feet

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date of the episode, and she's clearly socially awkward.  In her defense, she has been in the military and is an orphaned Haitian refugee....so maybe not her fault.  Maybe she'll calm down when it's just her and Ben.

NOPE. She hates caviar so much she spits it out.  Ben asks if she is "adventurous with food" and she says "I'm adventurous, but not with food.  My go to food is hot dogs."  I can't tell if this is a sexual innuendo or not.  Jubilee seems like the kind of girl that will say all sorts of ridiculous stuff just to keep a guy's interest.  They start getting along a little better, and this of course leaves to a hot tub.  Ben gives her a wolf whistle because he's classy like that, and then they discuss Jubilee calling him a "white boy" and how Jubilee thinks he courtesy laughs at everything the girls say, but he genuinely finds her funny.  Uhhh.....I'm not sure what to think of this.  Ben keeps saying that Jubilee "stretches me" and "challenges me." I'm trying really, really hard not to think that this is a "I've never dated a minority thing, and this gives me a chance to experience that before settling down" thing for Ben, but that's sure what it seems like.  Sort of a "I'd never date a girl like Jubilee in real life, but here I can do it WHILE ALSO DATING SEVENTEEN BLONDES!" I think she makes it through this week, but she's probably gone next week.

Dinner time, and Ben is treating this meal like he's Barbara Walters and Jubilee is one of the twenty most interesting people of 2015. "Why can't you go back to Haiti?" Jubilee says she can't go back because her whole family died.  HOW? WHY? Was this an earthquake situation?  Ben then tries to build her up by talking about how proud he is of her overcoming the mass extinction of her family allowed her to become a bachelor contestant.  She seems like a nice girl, but also a hell of a lot of work.  I feel like at least twice a week you'd have some sort of exhausting conversation about the state of your relationship with her.  Nonetheless, you can't send a girl packing after she tells you she literally has no family.  She gets a rose.

Back at the mansion, the girls are convinced that Ben sees a future with Jubilee, which they don't understand because they don't like her.  It's not even a thought in their mind that it could just be a pity rose.  Ben comes in for the cocktail party and tells the girls that he's "a little down" because some family friends died in a plane crash.  A little down? Olivia then steals him and tries to get out in front of the "I have bad cankles" storyline before one of the other girls drops the bomb.  Cankles - the struggle is real. Olivia is crying because her calves are poorly defined.  WIFE HER NOW BEN!

"What are you thinking Jubes?" Jubilee says "I'm thinking about how to make him feel better." Seems like a perfectly logical response, but somehow this leads to another conversation about how she's not friendly with the other girls.  It probably doesn't help that she's walking around holding a rose that all the other girls covet and dropping it on the table and saying "what's up ladies?" like it's a straight flush at the final table of the World Series of Poker.  She then gives Ben a massage to help him relax.  The other girls see this fully clothed back rub and act like she just dropped her pants and said "come and get it, big boy." Girls are so weird.

Amber, girl who has rose, has issues with Jubilee having a rose.  In fairness, Jubilee grabbing a blanket and going to take a nap is not really how this show goes.  Amber then basically commands her to come be judged by a group of ladies, and Jubilee is having none of it, probably because she doesn't want to use her military training to end these judgey mean girls lives.  So she storms off to a bathroom to pout.  This of course catches the attention of Flo-Ben-ce Nightingale, who needs to make sure everyone feels good.  Amber clearly hasn't picked up on Ben's need to make sure everyone feels loved and welcomed.  She comes over to explain to Ben why the girls don't like Jubilee IN FRONT OF JUBILEE. She then talks about Jubes like she isn't even there, and then Ben responds by telling Amber "what I like about Jubilee" like Jubes isn't even there either.  Ben should've shut Amber down immediately.  He's rapidly losing control of this situation, and it looks like the girls forgot he's dealing the with the death of friends thirty minutes after he told them.  Ben needs to remind these women who is running this show.  It might not be how it works in the real world, but on this show what he says goes and the other girls better fall in line.

Ben clearly hasn't picked up on this either, as he allows Lace to call him over for yet another "this is about me and my needs" conversation.  I guess it's better that he didn't shut her down, because Lace just had the most honest conversation ever had on this show.  In a nutshell, she says "I'm a mess and I never should've come on this show." Good for her. In thirty seconds, she just flipped the way everyone will remember her....and probably set herself up brilliantly for a shot at redemption on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  Way to go, Lace.

Also, the girls showed Ben SIGNIFICANTLY MORE sympathy after hearing Lace left than they did after he told them people he knew died in a plane crash the day before.  #Priorities

In the end, he sends Jami and Shoshanna packing, after making Olivia sweat it out for her absurd cankles conversation.  Good for him, but he's got his work cut out for him.  Olivia clearly didn't see it that way, as she interpreted the way he squeezed her waist as a declaration of his undying love for her.

I saw something online about how Ben was the 78th best quarterback in the state of Indiana as a high school student-athlete.  The way he's handling these girls, it's not hard for me to see him having trouble leading any group of people to do any thing.

Bachelor Season XX: Week 2 - A Collection of Tweets

Remember the days before you had kids when you could watch the Bachelor when it aired?  Jonah's sports schedule has completely consumed Monday nights.  I didn't even walk in the door until 9:30.  Reality TV proved a powerful motivator though, and I got Jonah a snack, made his lunch, got him showered and in bed asleep by ten.  After watching ten minutes of highlights and analysis of the national championship game (in order to be able to competently talk about it at work tomorrow) I'm now ready to start this show.

However, I'm not really prepared to do a full in depth blog on the Bachelor, so you're just going to get a running list of my tweets from the night.  We'll see how this goes.

JoJo says she's never been this turned on in a high school before. That's.....probably a good thing. #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

It's not shocking at all that the girls on #TheBachelor take the "ingredients" for a perfect relationship and cause an explosion with them.

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Mandi rolled up leggings to run a race? Was she going to trip on them? HOW SKINNY ARE HER LEGS? #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

If you thought Amber was going to win that race, clearly you're not a fan of #TheBachelor franchise. She never wins anything #threetimeloser

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

The reason Ben didn't take the girls back to college is because NONE OF THEM HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

You know Lace is timing people's interactions with Ben like an NFL Scout at pro day. #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

#TheBachelor is the only place in the world where people feel they're better than other people because they've had worse lives.

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Ben: Ice Cube has done everything from acting to rap. So....acting and rap. #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Sure Ben. You hung out with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube all day, but Caila made it fun. Sure. #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

For the 20th consecutive season, the musical guest on #thebachelor one-on-one date is someone I've never heard of.

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Science will tell Ben who he should fall in love with, but only after the girls don tight white hotpants. Science is a pervert #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Ben's dates so far: high school, hot tubbing in a store, science lab. THIS IS THE MOST ELIGIBLE MAN IN AMERICA???? #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Sport coat over a hoodie is a thing? #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

I feel like Amanda's voice made it hard to understand her when she said her daughter's names: Did she say Jarley? #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Amanda has a phone to talk to her daughters, but not a picture to show Ben? #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Olivia wants to rest her laurels. I don't think she knows what laurels are. #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Whatever scorecard Lace is using to keep track of all of this, it must be huge, and she's losing SO BAD. #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Jubilee - orphaned adoptee war veteran. Lace - looked dorky as kid and once had double bangs. #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Ben telling the girls "one of you is staying because L.B. left" is a bold move. Nothing says love like "I guess you can stay." #TheBachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Well Sam's night sure soured. #seewhatididthere #thebachelor

— Andy Lasselle (@AndySnacks) January 12, 2016

Bachelor Season XX, Week One

Welcome back!  It's been a long winter, but now the sun is shining.  It's about to go down...I'm sure Chris Harrison has something shocking to tell us:

You bet your sweet bippy it is!  Ben is the bachelor, which means nothing because he's like the 40th Ben to be on this show, and rates about a -4 on the excitement scale.  Let's be honest though - we're here for the "ladies."

A few days ago I went through all their profiles on the website.  I crack up every time they ask a "fill in the blank question on those, like "If I never got to see my family again ______" they ALL answer "I would be sad."  No shit! Thanks for taking us behind the curtain, wizards.  My favorite was the redhead from Kentucky, Laura.  She had original answers, seemed like she grasped that this was meant to be fun, and was one of only two girls that said they preferred cold weather to hot.  She'll probably be gone tonight.

Who do I think has a chance to win?  Lauren!  There's four of them, so those are pretty good odds.  My leader of the group is Lauren B. who says that she loves love.  Another wordsmith on our hands here!

Ok let's get started.

Our season preview involves waterfalls, helicopters, lots of kissing, fireworks, and of course tears and  angry eyes.  Was that girl wearing a glittery superhero cape?  God I hope so.

Ben is 26 going on 50.  What a boring dude.  He's from Indiana he plays basketball on a the side of a barn, cause it's the Hoosier state, get it! I'll bet that's not his barn.  He shares with us that his first kiss came with a girl the night she broke up with him.  He's must be a terrible kisser, or perhaps he got really excited about that kiss and freaked her out.  In any event, that's a pretty short relationship.

Definitely not his barn.  His parents seem to be hanging out at a house on a lake, and look like they have never milked a cow in their lives.  Unless of course this isn't their house either.  I believe nothing ABC tells me anymore.  Bunch of dirty liars.

Ben's dad explains love by saying "I met her (Ben's mom), I said "wow this is pretty cool!" Ben's mom starts crying when saying she's been with "this man" for 32 years.  Happy tears?  I'm on the fence.

I love the shot of Ben standing by a tree as a combine rolls by on a lonely highway.  Why?  What's he doing?  Can you imagine if you were driving down a country road and saw some dude just leaning against an oak tree seemingly contemplating his existence?  I don't know what exactly I'd think, but it definitely wouldn't be "THAT IS THE MOST ELIGIBLE MAN IN AMERICA!"

Ben kills the "first drive up to the house" bingo by uttering every cliche on his way to the house:

• He never imagined he'd be here
• He never thought he'd be dating 25 women
• This is surreal
• Worried he's not enough for the girls

Brilliant.  I wonder if they have like a dogeared script from 2004 that lives in some Trapper Keeper with "Episode One"written on it that some PA says "oh yeah, here's your script for tonight.  STICK TO IT!"

I get Jason and Sean being there, but why is Chris Soules there?  His relationship barely made it past the end of the show!  What advice could he have?  "Kiss all of them!" he yells.  That's why you're single, Chris.  Ben asks some good questions, like "how do you not close off other opportunities when you find yourself interested in one girl?"  Sean tries to answer, and Chris just nods his head, as if to say "I totally should've done that."  Chris advises him to try to make the girls feel as comfortable as possible.  This from the guy who had the girls put on bikinis and walk through downtown Los Angeles to race tractors.  Chris is quite possibly the stupidest person alive.  He's the best.

Here come the ladies!

Up first is Lauren the flight attendant!  She seems great.  Her friend toasts her with a glass of wine and then says "hashtag Mrs. Higgins!"  Major deduction, for stupid friends.

Caila says she broke up with her last boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV and had feelings for him. I remember that time I broke up with girl after seeing Alyssa Milano on that show about the witches.  

Jubilee is an Army Vet.  She seems nice, but I'm guessing that maybe she's having trouble in civilian life.  This might not work.  She doesn't seem like the kind of person that normally does well on this show.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's not white.  

The Portland Chick reminds me how much I hate my hometown sometimes.  She's not going to get along with anyone.

The twins are going to stick around because they're twins, but pretty much nothing else about them is worth mentioning.  I hate them.

Amanda has an annoying voice and two tiny children.  She's divorced.  Seems like an ideal candidate for a 26 year old guy with no baggage.

Tiara is a chicken enthusiast.  She loves chickens.  She has a picture of Ben amongst 8X10's of her chickens.  "What comes first, the chickens or the Ben?" The bullet.  That's what comes first.  Kill me now. Who wants to be on TV so badly that they're willing to be branded "the crazy chicken lady?"  It's incredible.  

Sam from Florida is an attorney.  She thinks having a family is important because her Dad died from Lou Gehrig's disease.  This happened half of her lifetime ago.  I object to her being here.  I don't know why, but these people who break down into tears every single time they mention a dead relative bother me.  Maybe (probably) that makes me insensitive, but I blame ABC for desensitizing me to personal loss.  

Does it bother anyone else that these girls all seem to be best friends in the limo?  Hooting and hollering and giggling as they pull up, then they get inside and it's all resting bitch face and side-eyes.

The intros start and go like this:

Lauren B. - gives him wings

Caila - runs and jumps into his arms

Jennifer - Nothing worth mentioning

Jami - Laughs a lot, has a Canadian accent, says all Canadians know each other, says Kaitlyn (another Canadian) told her he has a really big....heart.  Ugh

Sam - giggles, mentions she's a lawyer, asks him "boxers or legal briefs."  Ben responds, and she has no witty response, just a high five.  NOPE.

Jubilee - Much like I thought, she has terrible social skills.  Tells a bad pickup line with a story about how she forgot her pickup line when she got out of the limo.  No chemistry.

Amanda - Ben's definitely into her, but she hasn't dropped the "divorced mommy of 2" bomb yet.  Not sure it's gonna happen for her.

Lace - makes him close his eyes and the gives him a peck on the lips.  He's digging it.  Definite contender. Definitely has the "I'm better than all younbitches" look about her.

Lauren #2: math teacher/stalker  Seems straight crazy.  Ignores Ben and continues on her mission to explain how much she knows about him.  I don't like her.

Shoshanna: Speaks another language (Russian), obviously understands English.  Wondering how longs she keeps this up....and at what point she tells him how her grandmother stressed how important her heritage is and why his family values are so attractive to her.

Leah: Squats in a dress and hikes a football.  Actually yells "Higgy Higgy, HIKE HIKE HIKE!"  I love her.

JoJo: Wears a unicorn mask, has no apparent reason for doing so.  Ben asks to keep it, sadly doesn't wear it for the next girl out of the limo.  Bad form, Ben.

Lauren #3: Another teacher, backs up towards him and tosses him a bouquet she caught at a wedding.  Lauren are not having a good run so far.

Laura:  Well, she got out of the car looking amazing, ruins it by saying "my friends call me Red Velvet."  Damnit, Laura.

Mandi:  The Portland girl wears a giant rose on her head and is the walking personification of Portland.  Something needs to be done about the flagship city of our state.  It's a menace, and it's only getting bigger.  As predicted, the other girls hate her.  If the states were people, Kansas and Nebraska quickly finish their drinks and quietly walk for the exit when Oregon showed up.

Twins:  So. Many. Giggles.  Act like it's strange that they've never dated the same guy.  Is this something lots of twins do? 

Maegan: Has a mini-horse named Huey.  Super nice, super country.  Not gonna win.  

Breanne: Calls gluten "Satan" then stomps on bread. I'd throw her back in the limo, right now, Ben.

Izzy: wears pajamas, asks Ben if he's "the onesie for her."  Yikes.

Rachel: unemployed, shows up on a hoverboard. AMERICA!!!!!!

Jessica: Nothing interesting, but gets the upbeat "this could be love" music from ABC...guessing she's a player.

Tiara: Says the Bachelor mansion is like Disneyland.  Neglects to bring a chicken.  Smart move

Lauren #4: Nothing special

Jackie: fangirls out at the sight of Ben.  Makes him a fake wedding invitation to their wedding.  #tohigginsandtohold.  #barf

Olivia: Really pretty, really sparkly.  Says "you're so tall," discuss dimples.  I like her.  Doesn't refer to herself as "Sparkle Satin."  

Phew!  Interspersed in there, we got plenty of cuts of Lace confirming that she does think she is better than all the bitches.  She'll be the one that is very fun-loving with Ben, and all the other girls form a cabal to figure out who should be sent in to tell Ben that she's not the person she presents herself to him as.

Ben's got 25 girls waiting on him, but he calls his parents.  Calls his dad "Big guy." I'll ask my readers, at least the female ones (so not you, Grant): Did any of you say "what a great guy!  He calls his parents while on a date with 25 women!" I'm betting no.

Olivia quit her job as a news anchor because she had no "zest" in her life.  She's the kind of person who likes to "throw a dart at a map and go." So, I'm guessing she really hopes this celebrity thing works out for her, because it's kinda hard to travel when you have no money because you quit your job to travel.  

The twins seem to think that everyone has a fantasy of dating twins.  It just seems like a lot of work.  Do they get mad when you call one by the other's name?  Plus, they're still sisters.  It's kinda gross, right?

Becca and Amber are here!  Chris makes sure to remind everyone Becca's a virgin, and that Amber was actually a contestant.  I mean, she's been on two previous iterations of this show, and I still had to look her up to remember who exactly she was.  For reference, she got booted by Chris early on, then went on the Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  She's the girl Dan dumped "Mesa Verde" Ashley for, only to dump Dan for Justin, the meathead with the horrible sunburn.  In the end, nobody wanted a relationship with her, and she was sent packing.  I see it going much the same here.

Like Lace said, "I'm not going to let Becca intimidate me."  No mention of Amber whatsoever.  She's the drunk girl at a party that nobody is talking to, but she's still there, drinking more thinking "eventually someone's gonna want to talk to me, right?"  She still doesn't realize that the next person she's going to talk to is the cop, asking her why she's puking in a mailbox on the corner at 2:30 am by herself while wearing only one shoe.

Why is Becca treated like royalty on this show?  I'm not sure what's going on with this.  At the end of Chris' season, she seemed pretty done with the whole ordeal.  Yet here she is again.  

Lace is slurring her words and trying really hard to get another kiss.  Ben's overthinking this and explaining to her his thought process long enough for Portland to come whisk him away.  Lace is starting to flip out and is acting like she's gonna fight Portland.  Thankfully, Ben intercedes and pulls Lace away to lecture her on how much he needs to her to understand his thought process.  I get what he's doing, trying to make sure there's no mixed signals going on, but it comes off almost like he's the dad explaining life to his daughter.  I'm of the opinion that if a girl is going to get all bent out of shape and fly off the rails on the first night, she's not worth keeping around anyways.  Let the crazies weed themselves out, man!

Ben says "any girl" could get the first impression rose, which is an outright lie.  It goes to Olivia, who probably would've got my first impression rose too, even if she went a little cliche with the "I'm spontaneous, I travel" schtick.  

I love how much Ben feels the need to tell every girl how gorgeous they are.  It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most beautiful people in the world are the ones that need to be reassured of their beauty.  Somebody pretty needs to explain this to me.  

Finally, the Rose Ceremony. 

Roses go to Flight Attendant Lauren, Lauren #4 (who now goes by L.B.), Caila, Amber the soon to be three time loser, Jaime the Canadian, Jennifer the unremarkable, Jubilee the awkward soldier, Amanda the divorced mommy of two, JoJo the Unicorn mask wearing, Pictionary playing psycho, Leah the football hiker, Rachel the unemployed hover boarder, Samantha the high strung attorney, Jackie the fangirl, Twin #1, Twin #2, Shoshanna the Russian Spy, Lauren #2 (or is it #3), Becca the royal virgin, Mandi the creepy Portlander, and Lace the drunk bitch.  That's it.  For the 800th season in a row, my personal favorite is bounced on the first night.  All because she referred to herself as RED FUCKING VELVET.  Who does that?  I hope she ends up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  She seemed somewhat together, would like to see more of her....just lose the nickname.

RED VELVET!!!!!

Of course, we can't go home until a drunken Lace calls out Ben for not paying enough attention to her.  She didn't get enough eye contact during the rose ceremony.  Ben, yank her rose.  Give it to the chicken enthusiast, or call red velvet back for a slice of cake, or give it to the mini-horse.  Just please don't put yourself through what we can all see coming over the next 10 weeks.  We're all gonna be at home like "oh here she goes again!" while you are calmly explaining to her how pretty and special and interesting she is.  Don't do it man.  Please.