Chris, incredibly, keeps Kimberly around even walking hand-in-hand with her into the room to meet the other girls. That's the way to amp up the crazy meter, bro! Of course, the girls roll their eyes, act pissed off, and then hug her and welcome her back with open arms. Kimberly basically dribbled out the clock, thinking she had a one point lead when she was actually losing, then successfully lobbied the referee to put a few more seconds on the clock. Rather than be mad at the ref for allowing this farce to continue, the girls instead praise him for "keeping them on their toes" and "not playing by the rules." The lengths these girls will go to to keep the image of the 'perfect' bachelor in their minds is staggering.
I have no sense of time on this show, because apparently the sun is coming up, giving the impression that they had a day off, but Harrison is asking Chris is he remembers anything from last night. Harrison preps the ladies as Chris grooms his facial hair in a pair of tight shorts and hops into his outdoor shower, which......who has one of those? Harrison makes sure to remind the ladies where Chris lives, all but drawing them a map to his front door. Good times. Group date is out, and of course Kimberly is on the date. The girls aren't happy about it. Megan is jealous, apparently not realizing that this means she's still eligible for the first one-on-one date.
The date card said "show me your country," so naturally they head to downtown LA and have a rooftop pool party. Nothing about that screams country to me, but conveniently the girls have all worn their bikinis for country time. Kimberly gets some one on one time, and Chris dorkily pretends that he's never met her and walks around the corner and introduces himself. Kimberly of course loves it.
Ok what the hell are Jillian and Megan doing? Despite it being obvious Jillian is wearing a bikini bottom, ABC feels the need to blur out her ass. They've decided to sneak over to Chris' house and look around. Fun fact: Chris leaves his house unlocked and also parks his motorcycle inside. Megan, apparently still drunk from the night before, straps on Chris' helmet and goes Gus Frerotte on every hard surface in the house.
Coincidentally, I feel like doing that too. You can sum up Chris' remaining ladies in four words: So hot, so dumb.
Chris meanwhile is parading the ladies down a busy street in LA in their bikinis. Ever the gentleman, he allows himself to put a shirt back on. He leads them to a fleet of tractors and NOW the girls get why the date card said "show me your country." I don't really understand when or why the date cards became so important that every girl has to break it down like the goddamned DaVinci Code, but it's like nobody can breathe easy until they understand why the date card says "country" on it. Chris thinks the girls are looking "smoking hot" on the tractors, as if the tractors somehow made them sexier. Don't let Chris near Kenny Chesney y'all.
The slowest "race" ever ensues as the tractors are either rigged to not be able to shift or the girls are incapable of learning how to shift them. Chris says it's like like watching old people walk down the street with walkers. The less crazy Ashley wins, and we flash back to the house where the non-daters are hearing about Juelia's sob story. Her husband committed suicide right after their daughter was born. Oh, and their daughter's name is Ireland, or judging by her mom's name, it's probably Iereland.
This group date seems to be going horribly as Chris does a terrible job of carrying the conversation and tells the girls how hard it is to date six girls at one time, completely ignoring the fact that it's probably harder to be one of the six girls dating him. So he says he needs to finish the night off with just one girl, and he picks Mackenzie. Unbelievably, the remaining girls APPLAUD Chris for being such a gentleman and letting them know how hard it is for him. When I die, if I'm lucky enough to make it into Heaven (which watching this show probably doesn't help), I hope everyone there gets the chance to be the Bachelor or Bachelorette for a while. Just treat people like crap, remind them how hard it is for you to have so many girls blinded by your looks and completely fabricated and puffed up status as an ideal spouse that you could date a different one every day FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH, and then have them thank you for treating them like crap. It's incredible. Tara somehow seems to think that the fact that she only had a 16% chance of getting the one-on-one time on this date and didn't get it somehow means she's a failure. Luckily, her friends Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Johnnie Walker are probably waiting for her back at the ranch.
Mackenzie, leads off their dating time by noticing his ears were once pierced, and then talked about how she's "super observant." This is a girl who didn't know what alfalfa was. She then compliments Chris on his big nose and asks if he believes in aliens. The reason she's so nervous is because she hasn't told him she has a
Mackenzie reveals to the girls that Chris kissed her multiple times, and they're all shocked. I love how they NEVER expect that other girls will kiss their man, and then get pissed when they ASK if he kissed her and she TELLS them. The nerve of some people.
I'll give Megan this - she didn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the date card meant. She didn't even know what the date card was. She thought it was a love note, allegedly. So we're supposed to believe that she didn't know anything about the show before applying to be on it? She did zero research after being selected to be on it? C'mon son. The date card said something about "love being a natural wonder" so obviously they're going to some sort of national park or monument or something. Hilariously, the first thing they see is the Hoover Dam, which is the exact opposite of a natural wonder.
Megan says something about how how crazy it is that she's on the show, given that it's happened so fast...a peculiar statement, which leads to Megan telling him how her dad died a month or so before the show started. Chris, never says "I'm so sorry for your loss" or anything else, just "I'm lucky you still came!" Way to win her over buddy. He offers her the rose, she accepts, and smooching continues. Megan seems to be instantly falling into the "first solo date" trap, where she thinks she's the only one he's got eyes for. Will be interesting to see how she handles the other girls going on dates now.
Group date time, and the card says "til death do us part" Somehow, none of the ladies think this has anything to do with a wedding, which was my original thought. The girls are taken in their limo to an abandoned building, and all of a sudden they're freaking out. Britt says this is her worst nightmare. I know my worst nightmares involve being in a limousine on a dating show and being a part of an obviously fake horror movie scene. Nonetheless, the actors in zombie makeup scare the bejeesus out of all of them, as they all jump into each others lap to get away from the window as one of them snarls at them. Good plan Chris. Every girl wants to date a guy that scares the shit out of them. Of course it's entirely probable that later on in the show, one or more of these girls will talk about how Chris' calm, strong presence was the only reason they were able to survive the haunted house.
Kelsey, who seems to be the sentimental favorite of every woman in my office, gives us a run down of how terrified they were when the door opened, but *surprise* it's Chris! She then laughs like the Wicked Witch of the East and says "oops!' The more crazy Ashley re-assumes her crazy persona, threatening to shoot everyone there. As the zombies start coming out, and they just light them up with paintballs. How much do you get paid to put on zombie makeup and let people shoot paintballs at your head? Crazy Ashley continues her reign as she says she feels like she's a Mesa Verde, which has nothing to do with abandoned buildings or industrial warehouses or zombies or anything else.
Back at the house, Jordan is drunk as a skunk - she's twerking, and talking about Jillian's ass - which is apparently so sexy that it must be censored even in jeans. Nikki Minaj can get her Anaconda video on TV, but Jillian's butt in some Wranglers is OFF LIMITS. Not everyone thinks it's sexy though - Jordan thinks she needs to trim the hairs in her butt-crack, which.....why has she seen Jillian's ass crack? What is going on in that house? How often does the Bacardi truck back its way down the driveway to deliver more rum?
Back at the zombie warehouse, Kaitlyn gets some one on one time, but also hilariously mimes Crazy Ashley eating a rose. Kaitlyn does a really overdone Canadian accent - which of course Chris says is "super sexy" - and gets a kiss. Next up is Crazy Ashley who wants to play hide n' seek, still thinks she's at Mesa Verde, somehow thinks she's in a dome, and then asks if he's afraid of spiders or snakes or jumping. I will give Chris this - he completely takes everything she says in stride, without letting it get him flustered. I'm flustered, however. Did ABC put a mentally ill person on national TV so we could make fun of her? Are they pretending to put a crazy person on TV so we can make fun of her? Despite her obvious mental deficiencies, Chris says "I still need time to figure her out" as if he's some sort of psychiatrist who could win a Nobel Prize if he unlocks her mind.
The Britt-Chris show picks up where it left off last week, with dorky "free kiss" notes and lots of making out and discussions of how perfect they are together. Predictably, he gives the rose to the girl he describes as a 'firecracker' and now Britt's gripping, as if she honestly believes that a rose was guaranteed to her every week. This should end well.
I gotta say, having a two hour episode where I can fast forward through commercials following last week's three hour marathon show makes me feel like this is a breeze to get through. We're already to the cocktail party? Whitney leads off the party with her nasally voice that reminds me of Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers by giving him a bottle of whiskey to remind him of Iowa.
Ashley is nervous that she's a virgin, but apparently this isn't a big deal to her, but it is to Mackenzie, who wishes she was still a virgin because "all guys love taking a girl' virginity" according to her. In typical 24 year old virgin fashion, she makes him rub her magic lamp belly button ring so he can have three wishes and then proceeds to eat his face. She also makes some sort of comment about how she needs to let him know that she's goign to be a "good time for the rest of his life."
Britt is not handling this well at all. Clearly she had already taken a trip to the DMV to get her name officially changed to Britt Soules. Jordan goes in for a drunken conversation, but can't close the deal, even telling Chris that "she was coming in for the kill" but then backs off. Only on The Bachelor will the virgin give you three wishes on her belly button ring and the drunk twerking girl not make out with you. This show is amazing. It's like a choose your own adventure book with typos. When you decide to get pick up the hitchhiker, you end up getting home safely, and when you pass him by you still end up waking up in a hotel bathtub packed in ice with a note telling you that your kidney has been taken and 911 has already been called to your location.
Chris is ready to send some girls home. Logic would say Crazy Ashley, Jillian (due to her inactivity), and maybe Kimberly who just got a pity week are sure bets to go home. Britt gets the first rose, which throws me for a loop, because if anyone was a candidate for a Stage 4 freakout as she has to wait for the last rose, she was it.
Also safe are a lot of other girls we haven't seen much of (Sam? Tandra? Amber? Carly?) Jillian thinks he calls her, but instead takes Juelia. Jillian tries to backtrack, but slips on the carpet and lets out a crazy cackle laugh to rival the one Kelsey gave us earlier. Not to be outdone, Chris gives his own high pitched giggle, and this season is definitely the most annoying laughter season of The Bachelor EVER!
In the end, Tara the drunk sport fisher does in fact go home alone again, Kimberley was a pity choice, Jordan will always wonder if she should've gone in for the kill, the stewardess will have to find someone else to be smoking hot on her flight. During the farewells, Chris whispers "you're so pretty" to her as he lets her go. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? Tara's really not handling this well. She says this will "haunt her for the rest of her life." Something tells me that by the end of this season, she'll be thanking her lucky stars she didn't end up with this giggly douche.
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