This three hour premiere even has a red carpet. Look, there's Sean and that girl whose name I can't remember! There's some dude taking selfies with lonely women! Chris Harrison tells us this season has a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a good girl with an x-rated past, and two widows. So two completely overblown stories, and two ladies capitalizing on deceased loved ones.
Now we go to Chris on a motorcycle. Dudes in leather jackets on motorcycles are supposed to look badass, but Chris is wearing a helmet that makes him look like this:
Also, let's just get one thing straight right now: The Prince Farming thing is complete crap. Farmers are dirty, dirty people. They deal with pig crap and dust and grease and all sorts of nasty stuff. Think of common sayings associated with farmers: farmer tans, farmer blows, etc. Not sexy. And oh god, they got Cody Code out of Michelle Money's clutches to train Chris by carrying hay bales and calf raises on the side of a barn. Apparently there are no 24 hour fitnesses or crossfit gyms in Iowa. Also, a quick google search confirms that Michelle Money has cut Cody loose and is now a host on some morning talk show in Utah. Shocking.
Two quick observations:
- For Bachelor alums, the season premieres and Men/Women Tell All/After the Final Rose shows are like their Super Bowls. I can honestly say I haven't thought about Marcus and Lacy or Cody and Michelle since Bachelor in Paradise ended. And I'm going to stop thinking about them as soon as this show is over. But tonight, 19 million people or whatever are saying "oh yeah, those guys!" and they can somehow parlay that into a way to make enough money to not really do anything the rest of the year. Amazing.
- Watching TV shows on demand is not something I do often (or ever really). I'm just now learning that I can't fast forward through commercials. This is going to be a long night.
Now we get into the girls. First up is Britt, a cute waitress from Hollywood, CA who apparently doesn't have sex with her boyfriends but offers free hugs to people on the Hollywood Strip. Sounds like a good way to end up in a serial killer's basement, but good for you Britt.
Next we get a cross-fitting news producer from DC named Jillian who looks like she may be a former cheerleader or gymnast. She seems super intimidating.
Amanda is a ballet instructor from Illinois with Rapunzel-sized eyes. She lives at home with her mom because she doesn't like to cook or clean. I don't like to do those things either, sweetheart, but I still got my own place and dirtied the hell out of it. Why don't you just admit that being a ballet instructor pays terribly?
Whitney is a fertility nurse with a nasally voice and the best hair on someone wearing scrubs this side of Dr. Meredith Grey. She's also go a tiny dog that she wants Chris to be the daddy of. She's off my list.
Mackenzie is a 21 year old with a kid named after a vegetable. Little Kale is super cute, and mommy says she has way more fun hanging out with a toddler than people her own age apparently. a mature thing for a mom to say. Why does she like Chris? Because she "thinks he's hot..." Ok, maybe not so mature.
Next we get a flight attendant whose name I missed and I'm not going back because I'm already going to be up way too late tonight, but she made a comical "no smoking on this flight, unless you're smoking hot" joke. I laughed. Points for her for owning an absolutely terrible joke. The follow-up skit about handing a rose to a creepy looking fake passenger did not go over nearly as well.
Kelsey is our first widow. I don't really get why she never mentions his name or we don't see a picture of them together though. Unless of course his family is horrified at the idea of their dead son's widow paddle boarding in a bikini on a reality dating show while talking about how much she loved her deceased husband. That might have something to do with it.
Back on the red carpet, we've got a countdown to the first limo, and there's 30 minutes until that happens. Jesus, how have I only been typing for half an hour? Andi and Josh are here, talking about how people stop them all the time and tell them how supportive they are of their relationship. These two clearly enjoy their pseudo-fame. Speaking of pseudo-fame, I'm cracking up seeing some of the former cast members who aren't in relationships cultivated on TV just kind of milling around in the background with a drink in hand, waiting for someone of the opposite sex to recognize them.
Now we get to recap how terrible Juan Pablo was/is. Bottom line, the guy took a stand and wasn't going to let America dictate when and how he told his girlfriend that he loved her for the first time. Nikki says "we tried, we real life tried. Not just TV tried," which I have no idea how that means. This conversation is like five minutes too long, as Nikki finds a million ways to say "we're two different people." ABC seems to think that people really turned in to hate on Juan Pablo, which.....really? I really could do without this bullcrap filler television. Can we get to the limos already?
Answer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA No way! We OWN you, Lasselle. First watch these commercials (I gotta say that while I hate Diet Coke, the "what if life tasted as good as Diet Coke?" commercial is pretty good) and let Harrison fire us up with "are we ready to start these Bachelor viewing parties?" As if most of us suckers haven't been sitting here watching crap for the last hour. Screw you, Harrison.
Soules is (finally) back in his Great Gazoo helmet telling us how much he hates wearing super expensive clothes and having people take his picture, all while smiling and making "this is harder than harvest!" jokes. Harvest might challenge "journey" and "love is like" comments on this show. Official "harvest" mentions: 3.
Rapunzel says that his smile is a "panty dropper." This woman lives with her mother, don't forget. First limo pulls up, and we immediately go to a commercial. How many people watch this show, and how much money does ABC rake in on this? It's got to be an astronomical amount. What other reality shows do you know are talked about weekly on a sports talk show (Petros and Money) or broken down on a "sports" website (Grantland)? I feel like the show's actually getting MORE popular, which is pretty nuts for a show that's been on this long.
Britt's out of the limo first, and she gives him the longest hug in introduction history. She looks a little desperate and crazy. She gives him one of her patented "free hug" fliers. Whitney tells Chris that she wouldn't be here if it wasn't him. Kelsey the first widow says she was nervous getting out of the limo and then she saw Chris and suddenly she's no longer nervous. Megan the Makeup Artist gets out of the limo and Chris says "Hello. Blondie!" Then he follows up that by saying "you're beautiful. Blue eyes, oh my God!" Somebody get this guy a new pair of boxers. Come on man. As he's done with every girl so far, he's makes some sort of "these girls are so hot!' comment under his breath as she walks away. Reagan the human tissue seller brings a human heart as her ice breaker - just kidding, it's totally fake! Tara the sport fisherman enthusiast shows up in jean shorts and boots because "this is me." which seems like a pretty good strategy actually. She then immediately changes into a cocktail dress (after ordering a cocktail) and sneaks back into the limo to reintroduce herself as a girl who can be taken out of the country, but the country can't be taken out of her. Somehow her "I've gotta be me" act seems like it's going to turn into a "I'm going to do a bunch of wacky stuff that will probably get me sent home tonight, but then I can just say that Chris couldn't handle the real me and I wasn't going to pretend to be this perfect trophy wife for anyone!"
The bad ice-breakers continue as some girl stays in the limo and whips out a note asking Chris to close his eyes and turn around. It's Rapunzel the crazy, although she's dressed like Jasmine in her belly shirt. She goes for the "secret admirer" tactic as she saunters inside without ever letting him see her. I wonder if she remembers that the secret admirer bit didn't work for Chris, and that's the reason he's the Bachelor now. Maybe that's her angle all along...she wants to be the next Bachelorette! She's not here for the right reasons!!! Some girl puts a penny in his shoe, and then we get Kaitlyn who says she'd let him "plow the f*ck" out of her field any day. Chris is completely befuddled. She then wipes some glitter of his face and yells "WHO IS SHE?" in his face, which would have been hilarious if she hadn't gone way over the top with the field joke. I like her though. She'll be good entertainment.
Chris awkwardly makes a "are you sure you all are at the right house?" joke as if someone else was waiting for multiple limousines full of well dressed women. Kaitlyn then trumps his joke with her own dirty joke about a walrus and a "tight seal" which, holy crap this chick is crazy.
Britt gets the first one-on-one time and talks about her hugs can be his safe haven and any time he's having any sort of a feeling whatsoever, her tiny arms are there to give him a dainty hug. Some other girl tries to impress Chris by saying she was "literally in Peru literally hiking Macchu Pichu when she literally looked down an picked up a stone that is literally shaped like a heart." Literally I hate your braggy story. You remind me of Eric on Andi's season, and we all know what happened to him. (If you don't, he told amazing stories of his travels around the world, and then he died on one of those travels. Don't brag about your travels.)
There's 15 women there, and they're all predictably worried about where everyone else is rather than taking advantage of the diminished competition. Then Harrison shows up with his first impression rose and now it's "real" for the girls. But first, let's go back to the studio, where ABC has flown in six farmer's wives from Chris' hometown to talk about what a great guy he is. Am I the only person who thinks that all six of these ladies look related? Just how small is his hometown?
Chris shows incredible idiocy when he can't figure that the secret admirer is the only woman there that he hasn't seen already. Then we get a lot of talk about how big Amanda's eyes are and lots of close up shots of her eyes as she says stuff like "eye contact is important," and "I feel like I'm staring at him." Let's hope that on her first one on one date he takes her to a museum or something and we get to see her looking through a magnifying glass, or maybe they go to see that Big Eyes movie in a cross promotion.
Finally we get back to the limos to meet the remaining ladies. Or not...first we get more shots of Lacy and Marcus not looking in love and a chat with Clare, whose cheekbones seem to have migrated north. Is this some makeup trick, or did she have some work done? In any event, she looks way overdone.
Nicole, one of my preliminary favorites hops out wearing a fake pig nose and i'm like "oh my god I might've picked a real loser." However, she's followed up by the WWE diva-in-training in what looks like a "sexy bride" Halloween costume with a #soulesmate sign and a girl in a pink prom dress with a karaoke machine, so I think she's probably safe. Hang in there Nicole!
Tracy, a 4th grade teacher, reads a note from one of her students that says "pick my teacher so that she doesn't end up sad an alone with 9 cats." She wins the walk-ups in my opinion. There's a lot of confident girls interrupting conversations and girls who aren't confident enough to interrupt, moaning about how they're not getting any time. Bring on the irrational panicking!
Looks like the Crazy Title is taken by the Brooklyn Hair Stylist who starts going nuts about onions and then wants to pick one off a tree saying "if it's a pomegranate then God bless it." She then pulls it off the tree and says "I feel powerful" but starts laughing before they can edit it out, perhaps giving us a peek behind the curtain of ABC showing us that she won't be around for longer than tonight and told her that she had an opportunity to get a little more screen time if she acted nuts. Tara on the other hand, just looks drunk. Some people on this show have acted drunk before, but Tara looks exactly like every drunk girl I remember encountering in high school and college. She is legitimately drunk. This could get better in the last 45 minutes!
Britt gets the first impression rose, after being the first person out of a limo and the first girl profiled on the show. She then gets the first kiss and holy crap they're about to talk about how they finish each others sandwiches and how their mental synchronization can have but one explanation. Kristoff needs to show up immediately to remind these two what happens when you get engaged to someone you just met THAT NIGHT. Hopefully he doesn't leave her to die and try to kill her sister.
Back at the studio, Michelle Money somehow snuck in and throws out "Britt doesn't shower!" comment. Meanwhile, the Iowa ladies just say "that's our Chris" which could either mean "he's always falling in love way too quick," or "dude is a complete player." For our sake, I hope it's the latter, because that will make for much better television.
Good news, we're at the rose ceremony! Bad news, there's still half a freaking hour of this thing left. my laptop is about to die, and I'm in serious need of a Pepsi, but it's almost midnight and drinking a Pepsi now seems like a terrible idea.
Crude Jokes Kaitlyn gets the first rose, followed by Last Out of the Limo Jade, Samantha the Unremarkable, Ashley the potential twin of Samantha, Tandra the Tall, Anonymous Nikki, Kelsey the Widow, Megan the Beautiful Blue Eyed Blondie, Elisa the Flight Attendant, Token Minority girl, Juelia of the extra E, Becca the sparkly, (Tara the drunk is really starting to lose it), Trina (yet another anonymous blonde), and then Chris has to leave, presumably because he's concerned about Tara. I'm concerned about the girls standing around Tara, because one of them is about to get puked on. Chris discusses with Harrison, and they have a meeting of the minds over what the proper protocol is with issuing roses to the drunkest person there. Historically, super drunk people have not been moved along. Chris makes the good point however that it has been a long night and he gets how the situation could lead to over serving yourself. Also collecting roses are Jillian, Jordan, Mackenzie, Whitney, Carley the Cruise Ship Singer, and.....Ashley the onion/pomegranate aficionado. Once again, my initial favorite goes home night one. Chris gives Nicole the "you're amazing" line on her way out. Ouch. Big Eyes is also gone, and she starts crying, which could potentially end the drought in Southern California. At least she has a loveable chameleon waiting back home in her tower for her. In my initial blog about the ladies a few weeks ago, I speculated that "on paper" Kimberly the yoga instructor was a potential favorite. She's out. I did get right my "don't even get out of the limo pick" with Kara however. Kimberly, however, is not going down without a fight. In a Bachelor first, Kimberly returns from rejection to beg for her reality TV life. Why not, right? What's she got to lose? In true ABC fashion, we'll have to wait until next week to see if she is able to change Chris' mind. You'd think Chris, the genuine farmer guy that we've all been led to believe he is, will politely tell her how incredible she is, and then stick to his guns in fairness to the women he picked. Very rarely has someone pulled off the unexpected return to the show with any success. Kacey B tried it with Ben without any success, and who can forget Chris Bukowski's pathetic pandering at the gates during Andi's season?
And mercifully, this three hour tour has come to an end, although I'm not entirely sure it ended any better than the three hour tour of the SS Minnow. Hopefully that's the last extended Bachelor of the season, but my guess is "probably not."
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