Bachelor in Paradise, Week 4: Double up Unnh, Unnh!

I like my episodes real thick and juicy.......

I don't care that this show is staged beyond belief.  I don't care that these people are getting paid to fake fall in love.  I just love that there's people willing to do this stuff for my enjoyment.  It's awesome.

Let's see if we can pack all four hours of this week's goodness into one blog.  The flip flopping between Monday and Tuesday's episode was impressive.  For example:

Cody on Monday:  Claire, I'm here for you and only you.  So much so, I will give this date card away because I don't want to date anyone here.
Cody on Tuesday:  Michelle, it's you or nobody girl.  I'm only here for you.

Side note....does Cody remind anyone else of Chris Griffin, or is it just me?

Michelle on Monday:  I'll never find love!  I'll never get out of Utah!
Michelle on Tuesday:  This thing with Cody is amazing.  It's moving too fast!

Clare on Monday:  Nothing will come between Zach and me!
Clare on Tuesday:  I'm out of here.  Zach doesn't know what he wants.

Graham on Monday:  AshLee is freaking me the hell out.  I'm not sure I can do this.
Graham on Tuesday:  AshLee is like a sports car.  I love driving her!

Other things that need addressing (in no particular order):

• Jesse is living proof that looks will get you everywhere with some people.  He fooled Jackie right up until he too Christy on a date.  Christy then tells him how her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she found a bra in his bed (I'm sorry, but who are these people who forget their undergarments in other people's beds?  When you're getting dressed after a covert humping, isn't that something you'd grab first?  You don't just forget to put on a bra.  Unless this was some sort of "Kristy found the bra but conveniently didn't see the naked girl crouched behind the laundry basket" scenario).  When Jesse finds out that he denied knowing how it got there, he gleefully blurts "that's what I would've done!"  Kristy, rightly says "so you've been in this situation before?" at which point Jesse just starts singing Shaggy lyrics and is saved by a "stray" dog (with a collar!), because girls love dogs and will stop whatever they're doing to pet them and baby-talk to them.  Lucy then shows up, takes off her clothes and goes on a date with Jesse.  Lucy says that he is "hot, funny, and smart."  Nice is not a quality she saw in him.  She knows he's a douche, but doesn't care.  Somehow, Christy sees it as an attractive quality in men that they are willing to go on dates with her friends.  Naturally, they all end up in bed together. 
• Lacy gets dehydrated and everyone acts like she's got bit by the Outbreak monkey.  The girl straight up ran to the bathroom to throw up, and all of a sudden she needs a stretcher?  Then Marcus is spooning her in a gurney while she gets checked out by a doctor?  First off, if I was a doctor, I'd refuse to help anyone who was in an emergency room but felt well enough to spoon.  If it's an end of life thing, that's different, but I'd refuse to administer an IV to someone whose boyfriend was rubbing his junk on her butt at the same time.  OVER THE LINE.  If they allow that stuff in Mexico, I'm never going.  Don't trust doctors who encourage this behavior.
• Marcus loves Lacy.  He accidentally tells her.  She's happy.  He tells her for real.  She's super happy.  Does she say it back? 

• Sarah does everything short of sedating Robert and tongue raping him to get him to kiss her, and yet she thinks he's totally into her?  At one point, she's sitting in his lap in a secluded pool and their faces are about three inches apart.  She says something about "getting more comfortable," so he positions himself so that HE CAN NO LONGER SEE HER FACE.  Basically he looked like he was getting ready to burp her.  Finally he sees no other option, so they kiss, and she's super pleased to have won this battle of attrition.  Of course scenes from next week make it look like she's totally into the new guy, whomever that is.
• AshLee is still pissed that Clare had sex in the ocean with Juan Pablo.  Why, I have no clue.  Also, she thinks nobody will hear her say it because there's not a camera on her?  Apparently she forgot about the giant microphone she's got taped to her ass at all times.  Also, what does the fact that it's "caught on camera" matter?  By the time Clare (or anyone else really) sees the footage, you'll have been long gone from the island.  Such a contrived, bullshit story line.
• Cody asks Clare on a date.  Clare wants to talk to Zack to "see what he'd say."  Zack says "I'm not going to tell you not to go."  Clare says "well, what if some girl asked you on a date - would you say yes?"  Zack's answer: "depends on who the girl is."  Worst answer ever.  Unless of course he was trying to get her to dump him, in which case, he's a genius.  I vote for the latter, because when she did leave, not once did he try to stop her.  In fact, HE HELPED HER PACK.
• Jackie - so hot, so boring.  Maybe this means she'd be the only person you could actually hang out with in a non-reality show setting.  Maybe not. 
• Kalon (much like Lucy) was brought in just to cause a ruckus and get the hell out.  Neither of them had any intention of staying.  Kalon's whole goal seemed to be to test the limits of what ABC would allow him to say on air. ("I'm looking for 5'10" and some boobs," "I'd love to motorboat those things," and whatever that was he said about a "tight Mexican hole."  Ugh.
• Jesse's liberal use of the term "what's-her-nuts" was wonderful, and it may make its way into my daily vocabulary.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: Geography Lesson

So, we've established how this show is going to go now:  Every week, somebody new shows up and takes one of the veterans on a date.  Then, as soon as that date is over, another new person shows up and takes the same vet on a date.  DRAMA.  The editors are earning their paychecks this season though:  First the raccoon, then sound bites of Chris grunting over his "injured" knee as the lights go out in his hotel room with Elise.  I have serious doubts as to the validity of his knee actually being injured, because these people have cameras on them all the time, yet they missed a significant event like that?  No way. 

All that was background noise though to the train wreck Michelle Money was this week.  Let me sum up her episode:  "What Marquel and I have is special.  Nothing can come between us.  Except that I'm going to encourage this new girl to take Marquel on a date.  I can't believe he accepted the date!  Screw him, I never liked him anyways.  Secretly, I've been pining for Robert (who also happens to be the only guy not hooking up with anyone at the moment.)  That's who I really want to date!  Wait, there's Jackie!  I wish she'd take her butt back to the mainland. 

Nevermind the fact that we are not on an island (unless you count the Americas as the largest island since Pangea), I want her out of here because she's sooooooooo pretty.  Thank God she picked that man-whore Marquel for her date...I hate that guy.  Robert is amazing.  He'll totally pick me over that one-armed insecure whiner Sarah....wait what?  I'm going home?  How'd that happen?   Wait....what's Chris saying?  He's giving me his rose because I deserve love?  Damn right I deserve love.  Even though every guy here had a chance to give me a rose and gave it to another girl, I deserve to stay here and do the other girls hair as they get ready for their dates.  I'm not ready to go home to my daughter, I am going to stay on the island of Mexico until love comes my way.  That next guy who gets off the plane better understand how much I love him even though I haven't met him yet."

It was exhausting watch her play the desperate old single lady.  That next guy isn't going to be three steps into the compound before this happens:

Good luck, buddy.  Hope you like biological clock ticking single moms.

In other news, Jackie continues to be the most attractive and boring person ever to grace the Bachelor show, Claire is distraught about her dad dying a decade ago until she sees a pregnant turtle, which apparently is her dad reincarnated to tell her it's ok to be happy, and AshLee has regained the throne of craziest person on the beach, although Graham slightly overreacted to the news that she follows his instagram feed.  You could set that shit to private if you don't want crazy desperate women looking at your photos, Graham Cracker. 

Bachelor in Paradise: Week 2 - We have a new leader in the crazy clubhouse

So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head!  I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best.  And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves.  Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump.  OK, here we go:

• Robert - Was he even there?  His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much.  More on that later.
• Lacy - Went on a date, bought Marcus' crap about how he didn't think he'd find anyone here for him, but then he saw her face and now he's a believer. 
• AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy.  AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy.  Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini.  Who does that anymore?  Do girls still own overalls?  I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's.  Why would I think this?  Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:

• Graham -  He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself.  In other words, he's full of crap.  He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her. 
• Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare.  The end.
• Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch.  You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later).  It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family.  If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
• Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm.  It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
• Marquel - Oh, Marquel.  He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way.  During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group.  Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans.  Classy.  Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this: 
  

• Marcus -  Still a dick.  Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters.  The guy is a huge asshole. 
• Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO.  Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW.  Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons,"  surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
• Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise.  To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date.  Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments.  Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin.  Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert.  Best flame-out in a supporting role.  Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
• Clare -  Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name.  Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.)  Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean."  Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican.  Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish.  No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account! 
• Chris B. -  Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose.  Pretty boring actually.  So why is he second on the list?  Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon." 
• Elise - Where do we begin?  With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces?  As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much?  Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?"  Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is.  Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?"  Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!"  I mean...it was just incredible.  She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player.  She's the best.  Don't ever change Elise.

Bachelor in Paradise is Incredible, and Here's Why

So Bachelor in Paradise is my new favorite "reality" show.  It really only took one episode.  Why?  Let me count the ways:

• Level playing fields.  When there's only one girl or one guy, by the end of the season you're sick of hearing the same person say the same things over and over to different people.  With multiple conversations between multiple people, there's a lot less chance of fatigue on the viewers part
• Nobody worries about being there for the right reasons.  If a guy/girl doesn't like someone, then it's on to the next one.  Thank God for that.
• The return of Michelle Money.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has ever given better confessional interviews.  She's the best.
• MIND GAMES.  Everyone is just angling to stay around.  If you don't have a connection with the Bachelor/ette, you can deceive him/her to keep you around, but in the end, you're going to end up on an altar with the choice of accepting it (think Emily Maynard accepting Brad's proposal and then dropping him before the rose ceremony, making you look crazy) or turning them down (think Brad again giving a rose to nobody, making him look callous).  On this show, you just say your feelings changed and bang, you're hooking up with someone else next week.  The possibilities are endless.
• New blood.  I love the bringing in of a new person every week.  It's almost like a tournament where the best teams get a bye.  If you don't like any of the guys this week, just flirt with one enough to make him think you're in, then pounce on the fresh meat the next week.  But what happens if you don't like the new guy either?  DRAMA

It's just brilliant, and kudos for the casting choices to ABC.  Now for some first episode awards:

BEST PRODUCER AWARD
To whichever person put together that brilliant scene where Claire let all her emotions out to a wayward raccoon, who probably wasn't even there.  Great job, ABC. 

You talkin' to me?

BIGGEST A-HOLE
To Marcus.  "HUH?" you say?  Well, hear me out.  Marcus' first interview on the show is about how he's still not over Andi.  So much so, that he can't hang out with everyone else.  In fact, he needs to be alone.  In the water.  Wearing an obnoxiously orange speedo.  In plain view of everyone else.  I used to play this game when I moved to a new school in seventh grade, Marcus.  I'd get to the cafeteria as fast as possible at lunch so I could grab a table by myself and see who would come sit with me, so I'd know who my potential new friends were.  It's basically saying "do you like me?" without having to sound desperate.  The only difference is that we were fishing with different bait.  I had bad acne and was socially awkward, and he has perfectly groomed body hair and eyes that ladies invent adjectives about.  So of course some slightly drunk and horny coed is going to come over to say hello.  You can't play the "I'm not in this fishing tournament, but I'm going to put my pole in anyways" game, Marcus.  Then, he goes on a date with Sarah and makes out with her.  Really looking lovesick, buddy.  Then, when Lacy, who took your orange speedo bait, goes on a date with Robert, you get all "oh boo hoo, I'm getting my heart broken again!" and proceed to tell Sarah that you're into Lacy, but that she deserves a rose so you will give one to her.  Translation:  YOU HAVE ONE ARM AND YOU NEVER LET ANYONE FORGET IT AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES.  ABC of course makes him give out his rose before Robert, and of course he forgets all about who deserves what and gives the rose to Tits McGee because he knows she's going to be easier to hook up with.  Nobody's forgotten that the lie detector indicated you've slept with over twenty women, buddy.  He's an A-Hole.

CRAZIEST
AshLee, and it's not even close.  Somehow convincing herself that because she's there to hook up with Graham means he's there to hook up with her is insane.  Want to know how crazy she is?  She's so crazy that no other girl will even talk to Graham, Claire backed out of a date to calm her down, and Graham is so terrified he can't even think about handing a rose out to anyone else.  She's next level crazy. 

WORST ACTOR
Claire.  Look, we all know by now that ABC directs these people to say certain things or give roses to certain people.  The key is that the people need to deliver those lines in a way that looks like they weren't coached.  Claire is terrible at this.  When she was crying to that raccoon, she's looking directly at a cameraman.  When she said "I don't even know what a vista is, but I'm looking at one!" She's got a twinkle in her eye that says "I know exactly what a vista is!" And nobody believes for a second that you had a dream of yourself standing on top of some ruins.  I love that she's on the show because she's willing to do literally anything the producers ask her to, but at least sell it a little better.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"She has this look like she's plotting how to kill you and your whole family, and it makes you feel like girl is going to lose it."  Honorable mention go to Claire's "vista" statement, and Lacy suggesting that she's "80/40" on her decision, despite the fact that she has no decision to make since the guys are handing out the roses this week.  In the end, it was Michelle's delivery of the crazy line that carried the day.

MOST COWARDLY ROSE
To Ben, who told Daniela and all the viewers that he just wanted to have fun and that he wasn't feeling a connection with anyone so he was going to pick the person who he would have the most fun with, yet when he's faced with picking Daniela or one-armed Sarah, he picks the biggest wet blanket in the history of reality television, and now we get to hear all next week from Sarah how she was really nervous that she wasn't going to get a rose and she didn't really know Ben was interested in her, so she is trying to fight the feeling that she only got the rose because of her missing arm.  Even though that is probably the only reason she's still around.  Thanks Ben. 

I seriously can't wait for next week.  After Andi's season, I thought I was out.  But damned if ABC didn't do the damn thing with this show.  I'm all in.