Vietnam! We continue our tour of Asia, and it looks like the humidity is starting to wreak havoc on our ladies hair. Also, apparently Juan goes to second base with Claire? So much for taking it slow and not looking like a sleaze bag for CAMEEEEEEEELA! Since his self proclaimed nookie ban lasted all of one conversation with a girl he was planning on getting rid of anyways, is he free to make out with anyone? He's kissed six women, there's eleven left....that's only 17 total (assuming no repeat smooches) which is under his threshold for embarrassing his daughter. He's good to go.
First up is Renee, who is so excited to get a one on date that her palms hurt. Not "are sweaty", they hurt. Is this a common reaction? I know that when I met Rachel, I knew I was really into her because my ankle started clicking, but sore palms?
That's a total joke, I have never felt any pain on account of my feelings for Rachel. Sarcasm is tough to convey sometimes.
Anyways, Renee is ready to head out for her group date and the girls fake being supportive, saying things like "good luck" and "cute shorts!" I'm guessing they really meant, "hope to see you at The Women Tell All Special in a few weeks" and "ugh those shorts are so not made for someone with her hip structure!" Girls suck.
"Renee's so cuuuuuuuuute" Juan Pablo croons. This guy gets more and more sleazy the more I see of him. He's excited to have a good date and eat some weird stuff. But first, Renee, you sit in a stroller for adults and Juan will pedal push you like a little kid. How awkward. Juan takes her to a dress shop, where he's going to get Renee into a form fitting dress which apparently is a metaphor for him seeing if they fit well together. "Ooooh thirty-six!" Juan Pablo drawls as a lady takes her measurements. What a perv. At least he got her a fan because she was sweaty. I'm not sure if it's because he was sympathetic to her being hot, or that he didn't want her being all stank while he's rubbing up on her later. Renee seems to have a good head on her shoulders except when she's around Juan Pablo. When he suggests looking for gifts for their kids, she melts as if this is a hugely kindhearted gesture. I don't know a single parent that wouldn't look for a gift for their children while they were traveling without them. It's almost expected of parents - you're slacking on your parental duties if you're not bringing home a Vietnamese stuffed animal in your carry-on guys.
In any event, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Juan is really looking forward to dinner - or maybe it's just see Renee in her custom dress! To show how far off they are on this date, when she does show up in the dress, Renee says "he pulls me into this hug that is so sweet and sincere" while Juan Pablo meows at her and gushes about how hot she looks.
Getting into dinner, Juan wants to know about her baby daddy. She kind of brushes off the question, saying only that they were young and grew apart. She does mention that their relationship is good now, but also throws in that they "make it work" for Ben. Renee really wants a kiss, leaning in and closing her eyes, but Juan Pablo just brushes the hair out of her face. She's getting the Lauren treatment so far!
Back at the house Andi finds out she's on another group date, and she's pissed. "How long to I have to wait?" she moans. It's funny, because it reminds me of moaning about getting a raise of only $1,000 - sure you were hoping for more, but at the end of the day, you're still getting more money and are still employed.
Renee gets the rose, but not really the make-out session she's hoping for - yet. Juan says he's shutting Renee down because her son will see this and have all sorts of questions. Apparently his daughter is still not old enough to comprehend him making out with multiple women so it's OK for him to kiss a bunch of single ladies, but out of respect for the single mom, he can't allow her to kiss one guy. Nevermind the fact that this date happened MONTHS ago and undoubtedly if Renee's still around Juan Pablo has met the freaking kid. Renee's days may be numbered here - eventually she's going to have a Lauren-level freak out on the guy, and we saw what happened to her.
Time for the group date, and let's hop in giant coconut shell boats! Everyone goes two to a boat, and nobody wants to be Claire's partner, so Juan Pablo takes her as his first mate. Of course they get "stuck" in a grove of trees and so Juan Pablo takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down her throat, almost toppling the boat. His duplicity with how he doles out kisses is awful.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Nikki quips "I'm glad I'm on the one on one date, because if I was on another group date and didn't get the rose....that's stupid, I always do!" I don't care if it was staged, that was kind of funny.
Back on the group date, the girls are put to work in a community garden. Andi is pouting and off by herself, which if history has taught us anything, will probably result in her getting the group date rose....that is assuming nobody else is off pouting. As they eat the dinner (how hilarious would it be if they slipped some octopus into Claire's meal and didn't mention it to her?) the girls all bitch about how much time Juan spent with Claire in the coconut boat, but in a jokey way so he thinks they really don't care all that much. He seems perfectly content with this, and Claire certainly isn't complaining. Juan toasts the women, and then squires off Claire for the first one-on-one time. This is not sitting well with the girls at all, who spend their entire time wondering if Juan Pablo has gotten to second base with Claire. Meanwhile, Juan says he's looking for a girl who loves him and his daughter, is smart, pretty, funny and mature. So basically what everyone is looking for.
He then takes her back to his suite. Can we put the ring on her finger now? Unless he's doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on the other girls to see how they react to him having other interests...in which case most of them are failing. I also loved how she claims that Juan Pablo is "melting the ice queen." Has she EVER given the impression she was an ice queen. Sharleen and her amazing back (which has gotten more airtime than just about any body part on this show other than Sean Lowe's abs) go next, and she's determined to show Juan Pablo that she's a "panda in a room full of brown bears." This is my new favorite analogy, especially because brown bears about about a thousand times cooler than panda bears. You ever see a panda bear do this?
Andi also gets some smooch-time, and suddenly she's back to feeling like things are good between her and JP. Until of course Claire is awarded the rose - now she's convinced he's an assbag again. Again, what did you think was going to happen on this show????? How is it that women are never prepared for the reality that you're not going to be the only one he spends time with/kisses? Drives me insane.
Date's over, and the girls are back at the house decompressing after the date....but Claire's feeling tired and she's off to bed. PSYCHE LADIES I'M GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH YO MAN!!!! Ok, I guess they're keeping their clothes on. But she seductively asks Juan Pablo to go out in the ocean with her, and of course Juan Pablo, being the fake douchebag he is, claims he's going to do this because he doesn't want Claire to feel uncomfortable. I assume this means that he doesn't want to send her mixed signals by making out with her, giving her a rose, and then turning her down for a little midnight hanky panky in the ocean. Again, he has no problem making the other girls feel uncomfortable by letting Claire monopolize his time and doing a little coconut-boat tongue wrestling whilst the other girls are in his midst. This is all about Juan Pablo. But then again, can you blame him? He's got two dozen gorgeous ladies vying for him and ABC turning him into the 21st century Fabio.
Nikki's ready for her date, and she looks like she's ready to play a round of tennis with Steffi Graf. What's up with headband? Juan Pablo says he had a great time with Claire last night (apparently the other 8 ladies didn't register at all) but he's looking forward to seeing Nikki today, because, "she's sexy too." Your daughter is learning SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, GALAVAIS!!
Time for another one on one extreme date! This time we're repelling into Hell. Shockingly, Nikki is afraid of heights. What a coincidence that Juan Pablo picked her for this specific date! Nikki sees only three possible outcomes of this experience: Live, die, or poop her pants. Got that everyone? Pooping your pants is some sort of purgatory between living and dying. Will she be the first person to turn down an extreme event? Nope! This is like falling in love, because she's just got to go for it! Good thing Juan Pablo is there to pat her on the ass and tell her he's right there. Time to fast forward to them at the bottom.....oh no wait it's time to make out on the side of a cliff! Now that she's got an injection of some Venezuelan saliva with its mystical courage powers, she can make it to the bottom! Give me another dose of that magic spit, Juan Pablo!
The recap the date, and to be honest, they do sound like a couple that just had sex for the first time. "Looking back, I can't believe I did that...but I'd do it again, and maybe I'd be better the next time," Nikki says. "You weren't bad," Juan Pablo coos. "You had quite the view, didn't you?" Nikki purrs. Ugh kill me now. I hope your parents break in on your next cave jump you horndogs. Moving on, Juan Pablo asks her for what seems like the 40th time about her being a pediatric nurse. She of course loves the attention he's showing her, claiming that in her last relationship her boyfriend wasn't interested in her. How long did this relationship last, because I hope it wasn't long. And if it wasn't long, I'm wondering why it's even worth mentioning. She gets the rose. I don't know what the stats are on one-on-one dates resulting in a rose, but it's gotta be north of 90%. Juan Pablo loves her heart, but he seems to think it's in her mouth, because he's inspecting that like it could hold the secret to curing cancer. "This is a potential wife" he says, because that's what we all think while making out with a girl in a mini-dress in a cave in Vietnam.
Juan Pablo lowers the boom on the ladies, saying he's sending home 3 of them tonight. With three already safe, that leaves eight women vying for the five roses. My predictions are Danielle, Alli (who is definitely not the same as Andi although you could've fooled me) and Chelsie. Andi gets her alone time and they have a little serious talk before she wants him to lighten the mood by saying something funny in Spanish. Juan says "give me a little kiss" which isn't funny at all, and is really a way to not talk anymore, but she concedes and then goes all Oliver Twist and pleads "please sir can I have another?" Ugh.
Renee finally gets her kiss, but she has to basically demand it by saying her son is a very mature eight year old. My wife says "she's definitely my favorite, probably because she's old an a mom." I kind of agree, in that she's the one I can most relate to. Her giddiness seems sort of genuine in that "I've been focusing all my time and energy on my son lately and it feels so good to get some me time with a sexy Venezuelan!" way.
If Juan Pablo's saliva gives ladies courage, apparently Renee's spit gives Juan Pablo a sense of morality. All of a sudden NOW he thinks he might have maybe been taking things a little too far with Claire and feels the need to tell her that she needs to back off a little bit, citing how his daughter will view it. This might be the biggest dick move of all time - putting this on Claire. Claire didn't coerce him into that ocean. Claire didn't beg him to take her back to his suite. HE did these things knowing full well his daughter was going to eventually see them one day. This is a little like buying a super expensive outfit, wearing it to a party and sweating all over it, but keeping the tag on so you can return it once you're done using it. Congrats Claire, you're a tux from Mr. Formal on prom night, and Juan Pablo just blamed you for the creamy alfredo sauce he spilled on you.
I hate how these girls all feel like they've made mistakes when the Bachelor pulls this hypocritical crap on them. Even when Claire rightly asks him why he said yes if this was how he was going to react, and he flips it on her and basically says "you left me no choice because you were so happy and had all that positive emotion pouring out of you, I couldn't say no. YOU MADE ME SHAME MYSELF IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES YOU HUSSY!" You're dead to me, Juan Pablo. I take back every nice thing I ever said about your deceptively charming self. Worse, you made Claire - the closest thing we have to a villain on this season - a sympathetic character! I have nobody left to root against, except for maybe you. But if you lose, then all the ladies lose too. You're messing with established story lines here, Pabs. I do not approve.
Rose Ceremony time, and he kept Cassandra, Sharleen the Panda, Chelsie (missed this one), Kat, and Andi. So I was right about Alli and Danielle, but Dog Lover Kelly gets the axe in Chelsie's place. Two out of three right, but then again, those were the obvious two in that nobody was really sure who in the hell they were the whole season. If he's crying when he sends home these three relatively anonymous people, how awful are the next few weeks going to be?
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