Bachelorette Week 5: And there goes Meathead #1

After the pre-show teasers, it seems like Des is starting to doubt the process.  I don't want her to not give it 100%, so I need to set an example and blog at 100% too, right.  A refreshed, rededicated blog is coming your way....RIGHTNOW.

Welcome to Munich!  Bros on a Train!  Things always start to go a little sideways once you get off of the North American continent, and the guys are so giddy, they're fired up over a slow motion jousting competition between two animatronic dudes on a giant cuckoo clock thingy.  Let's hope they put that enthusiasm into their dates.

Chris shows up to harsh everyones buzz by announcing the dreaded 2 on 1 date is looming.  Then there's a lot of mangled German speaking by Chris and the dudes, and some guy says "I think this hotel is one of the nicest in all of Germany."  I'm glad he's able to level such a broad, sweeping statement after visiting all of ONE HOTEL IN GERMANY.  Anyways, Chris (not the host, although that would be AWESOME) gets the one on one date, and it's the typical first date overseas - wander around a foreign land mocking local culture!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bryden is really not feeling that this is for him.  He looks really sad, like his owner forgot to throw the ball for him in the yard before he left for work.  If Bryden leaves, I'm not sure there's a decent guy left for her.  In the biggest cock block ever, Bryden's going to head out into a city of over a million people to find their date and lower the boom.  Meanwhile, Chris and Des are speaking horrible German, laughing while wearing traditional German Lederhosen, and dancing to polka music...which by the way, are there really people with horns just playing in the middle of a square in Munich, or is this another example of ABC saying "what's the most stereotypical German thing we can think of to make them do?"

Bryden catches up with them after ABC makes him hilariously ask random people on the street if they've seen television cameras "filming people."  Do production assistants no longer carry cell phones?  Do their BlackBerry's not work in Europe?  Bryden politely waits for a song to end.  Chris then is the most gracious man to ever be interrupted on a date, actually hugging Bryden and telling him "of course it's OK...just bring her back!"  Chris, she's not a 1997 Ford Taurus, she's the girl you want to marry!  Methinks he probably had an idea this was coming, but he dutifully plays dumb for the cameras.  Now he seemingly starts to realize that this could ruin the rest of his date.

Bryden feels like this was the right time for him to leave - right after he gets a free trip to Germany.  He knew back in Atlantic City that he wasn't really feeling this, yet he flies across the pond just to not go on a date and head home.  Chris says she doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants to get back to the date, but they spend the whole meal time rehashing the whole ordeal.  Chris reiterates that he's not going to leave, and in a subtle nod to the departed Bryden, says that their time together has been "awesome."  They then toast over gigantic beer mugs, which causes my sneaky-funny wife to quip "I'm excited to see how the rest of their date goes after chugging those monsters."

We'll have to wait to find out though, because first we find out that Miami Lawyer Michael and Everyone's Favorite Sleazy Single Dad Ben are going into the Date of Death - two men go in, only one  will come out.  Michael is already practicing his opening and closing statements ready to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he is just slight less shady than Ben, and therefore deserves to stay a little longer.

Now we're back at something called the Munich Residenz, where Des drunkedly trips over the curb....those beers are working their magic.  Furthering the fact that they're drunk, Des seems to think that Chris is a "special guy."  He's like the opposite of a special guy....he's about as run of the mill as they come - although you could argue that run of the mill is special in this house of meatheads.  There's lots of nervous giggling and rambling on this date, and then Chris goes way goofy with a poem that he either didn't write or is too drunk to remember the words to.  Is the poem really as impressive if you can't memorize it?  Wouldn't it be way more romantic if he'd committed his words of love to memory?  Chris gets the rose, and a kiss from a sleepy eyed Desiree.  But wait, there's more!  A guy in the corner of the room on a piano that nobody saw before?  Was he over there smirking and rolling his eyes while Chris looked down at his shoes and read a mediocre poem?  I sure hope so!  Love how Chris says "this is perfect, we're getting a private concert from Matt Light (or is it White?), as if we all should know who he is.  Shame on us America, for not knowing who this dude is.  So far this season, we've seen Andy Grammer, Soulja Boy, Darius Rucker, and now Matt Light/White.  I could pick exactly one of those people out of a lineup, and it's because of his time with the Blowfish.  I couldn't name one Darius Rucker solo album.  Matt looks like it takes all of his energy to sing the high notes...I'm worried for the blood vessels behind his eyes.  Chris is pretty sure that Des loves him, because of how she kisses.  I'd like to remind him that she's had a giant beer and a couple glasses of wine tonight....and girls always kiss a little differently when they're tipsy buddy.  Let's see if you get that passion when she's sober big fella.

Group date time on a mountain that Des calls "Zoupitza" (It's really Zugspitze).  German is a rough language to try to speak when you don't know what's going on.  It's the highest peak in Germany apparently.  Drew is excited to share this with Des...."she's seeing something she's NEVER seen before."  Apparently Drew is a world traveler and comes to Zoupitza twice a year.  I don't know why this sounded so condescending to me, but they way he said it reminds me of how excited I was to take Jonah to the zoo for the first time.

Of course there's a yodeler.  Props to Juan Pablo for trying super hard to say "yodeler."  I don't understand why they all have to put their arms around the guy as if he's some sort of goofy sideshow act, like the little person at the Corvallis Knights games that goes by the name "Lil' K" and wears the number 1/2 on his jersey.  Can't we give him like a name that doesn't focus on his smallness, like "Sir Strikeout" (cause they're the Knights) or something?  I'm always blown away by this.  Isn't yodeling like a serious thing in the Alps?  I really dislike how every time they go overseas on this show it turns into "look how weird foreign cultures are!"  Zak says "he's kind of a funny guy...I don't know how to take some of those notes he hit."  Take them as an extremely difficult talent that you can't do, you super enthusiastic idiot.

After mocking their elders, it's time to ride a sled down a hill.  "it's like a black diamond hill with major freeway, rush hour style pileups!'  Or it's a well manicured slope with eight people on it.  They should try to get in a bounce house with a bunch of six year olds at Wacky Bounce, because that seems way more dangerous than what they did.  I did appreciate Drew's "I'm just going to crash into Des and hope I don't hurt her too bad so that I can apologize and get a hug" tactic.  Reminds me of the time we thought it'd be a good idea to lob water balloons at the girls sunbathing at the sorority across the street in college.  I think in our heads we saw it going one of two ways - either they'd laugh and we'd get into a flirtatious water fight with some bikini clad sorority sisters, or they'd be mildly upset and we'd get to take them to an apology dinner.  I failed to see option three - where the water balloon lands in an adjacent pile of bark mulch, coating the girls and their blanket in little dirty bits of wood.  Oh I ended up apologizing alright, and getting to do a load of laundry for them as well.  But hey, good luck with that tactic, Drew!

Back at the house, awkwardness is really dominating the room as Michael and Ben aren't even trying to hide their hatred for each other anymore, and poor Chris is just trying to blend into the couch cushions so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire.  This should be good.

Back on Zugspitse, it's an ice mansion!  What's the point of an ice mansion?  Do people actually stay in these things?  I know that James Bond did in one of those Pierce Brosnan flicks, but all I remember is rapid ice melting and people drowning.  Not my idea of fun.  Do like the polar bear ice sculpture in the corner though...that was a nice touch.

Mikey and Des are making the Zuccarelli family snowmen.  "This could be me," Mikey says as he points to a amorphous blob of snow.  How right you are, Mikey, how right you are.  They have some sort of awkward conversation that is interrupted by Zak, goofily yodeling in the background.  "Grrr, Mikey no like Zak!" Mikey grumbles to the camera.

New development, the guys don't like James anymore.  Their reasoning is something along the lines of "He doesn't treat us like he does the girl he's trying to marry!" I never understand the "bros before ho's" mentality of the guys on the Bachelorette.  Brooks creepily peeps on a James/Desiree make out session from an ice hallway.  At this point I think all the guys hearts are turning into hard blocks of ice.

As if things weren't weird enough on here, Brooks somehow garners the rose on this date.  If he hadn't been ice-peeping, I don't think I even would've known he was on this date.  How did that happen.  I'm almost as baffled as James, who snottily says "at this point, I'm focusing on my relationship with Des and I don't really care about what happens with the other guys."  He is turning into the new Ben...maybe just in time, because he might not be coming home from this date, am I right?

The tension in the limo as Michael and Ben ride to meet Des for this cage match of love.  Michael is talking about putting Ben on trial....a move that I'm sure he thinks he's going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben needs to go home, but will probably end up garnering some sympathy for Ben in Des' eyes.  Time will tell.

On to the awkward park bench chat!  Ben tries a joke about Texas being so flat that you can watch a dog run away for three days - and nobody laughs.  Michael says "I embrace the confrontation and I think Ben knows that."  Ugh.  Des suggests a polar bear plunge, sort of like the girls did in Canada on the last season of the Bachelor....only this water looks a hundred times colder than that water did.  I gotta think Des is joking, and turns out she is.  Instead they're going to take some sort of navigable hot tub out onto the water.  I gotta say that Des' enthusiasm for this contraption is infectious...I'm kind of excited for her!  Unfortunately, much like the Grand Canyon, the "awesomeness" of the "hot tug" is fleeting....next thing you know, you're stuck in the middle of a lake with two dudes who hate each other.

Michael decides that court is now in session and starts the trial of Ben.  Much like I thought, his offensive on Ben is making Des uncomfortable, and she immediately picks up on Michael's tactic.  All Ben has to do at this point is not retaliate and he's got this in the bag.  With what he's saying to the cameras however, it doesn't look like this is going to happen.

Back at the house, the guys are talking about how the Chicago meatheads have been having a conversation about how this is going to make their lives great once they get back to the Windy City.  NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS ALERT!!  The guys are bound and determined to defend Des' honor at the rose ceremony tomorrow night.

Michael continues his assault on Ben at dinner, attacking Ben for not going to church on Easter even though all the other guys went, and not mentioning his son on Easter.  Look, I'm not saying that what Michael is saying doesn't have merit, but if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who don't like me and are constantly trying to get under my skin, I'm not going to be all chatty about my son either.  Ben's playing this exactly right though, excusing himself from the table.  Des is grumpy, Michael all of a sudden realizes "hey, this might not be the right tactic."  Ben waits long enough for Des to come to him, then plays the wounded single dad perfectly.  It's not going well for Michael.  Des says that she wants to know why he feels so passionate about exposing Ben as a fraud.  Puzzling, since that's what it seemed like he was trying to do at dinner and she got all mad at him.  Michael spends all his one on one time talking about Ben, which is usually the kiss of death on these things.

Des throws a curveball though, and follows the "don't get involved with the person everyone else hates" theory.  THE DEFENSE RESTS!!!  Ben gets his walking papers, and then goes on and says everything you'd expect an asshole to say.  "She picked him over ME?  How did he make it further than I did? Where are we getting drunk tonight?  How soon can I be seen with someone else in public?"  Any sympathy you garnered during that brutal cross examination just vanished in the back of that spite-filled limousine, Benjamin.  You better hope nobody shows your son a copy of this season in a few years, buddy.

Time for a little tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison.  Chris is going to get to the serious stuff, but first he goes all middle school sleepover on Desiree and asks who's the best kisser.  I'm surprised he didn't say "truth or dare!" first, then tell her to prank call Brooks and ask him if his refrigerator was running.

Let's bring on the guys.  Des does the "we don't need a cocktail party" trick, she's got her mind made up.  Kasey and Drew are pissed....what are we gonna do??  James says he's confident in his relationship, and whatever happens, he's cool with it.  Behind him, Drew is wearing the face of someone about to commit a murder.  I'm not liking the energy coming from his face right now.

Why are we making such a big deal out of Des' first time being in Europe?  Chris has brought it up about three times tonight.  Have you not lived until you've been to Europe?  Has everything I've done in my life been meaningless since I've not yet been to the Old World?  Poor Drew is about to pass out from the anger bubbling up inside him.  Oh what I wouldn't give for him to just blurt out "James is using you!" right now.  That would be the best moment in this shows history!  Unfortunately, Drew gets a rose, and it's down to Meathead Mikey vs. Meathead James.  Bummer for those bros.  Maybe he should've put a little more effort into his lump of snow-family that he built.

He, of course, is shocked.  "How could she not want to know me better?"  The problem is that Mikey sees himself like an ocean when he's really like that little pool of water at the end of your children's Crocodile Mile.

Mikey's depth is not what he thinks it is

Looking forward to next week when the tears start really flowing!

Bachelorette Week 4 - Atlantic City Sucks

The episode started off with Chris telling the guys they were going to Atlantic City.  I can't remember who said it, but one of the guys said "This is going to be great!  Des is going to be there!"  At first I thought he was a moron, because OF COURSE SHE'LL BE THERE, but I slowly realized that that was the only nice thing he could say about Atlantic City.

That's how I felt about this episode.  The only nice thing I can say about it is that Des was there.  She sent home the spousal abuser after committing 87 health code violations and a candy shop, the guys had a Mr. Bachelorette pageant in a high school gym where they all did meathead things, and then she toured an area damaged by hurricane Sandy and gave some old couple a night on the town and then treated them to some Darius Rucker music, which I'm sure they thought was too damn loud and said at least one time "what's a Hootie?"  Oh, and the Zack who keeps his shirt on went home. 

The End.

Bring me something better next week, ABC.

Bachelorette Week 3 - The Return of Juan Pablo

Welcome back everyone, looks like quite a bit of drama going down tonight, so let's get to it.

Ben's still in his "me against the world" mentality.  He doesn't care if everyone ends up hating him, so long as he gets Des in the end.  As usual, this is probably the appropriate attitude to have when on a show where the goal is to get married to a specific woman, but that doesn't change the fact that publicly announcing it makes you kind of a asshat.

Dodgeball for a group date?  Sounds good!  I love the pro dodgeball players.  The guy throwing a ball off a wall from five feet away and stomping off like IronMan after blowing up a tank was classic.  Gotta love people who take their hobbies seriously, right?  Michael, the Miami lawyer, says "I definitely get what Des meant by "love is a battlefield" now."  Yep, love is like dodgeball.

I'm also confused by this "group date."  Des is practically an afterthought on this date.  She's spending more time hanging out with Chris Harrison than the guys.  Has she even said a word?  The red team is doing "what time is it?" chants, while the blue team does some sort of strange high school volleyball bounce around cheer.

The first round goes to the blue team after a one-on-one battle between Chris and Drew.  Amusing that the two scrawniest guys avoided getting hit the longest.  Drew really plays up his final throw, explaining that he had a ball come "right to him," and in "one fluid motion" winged the ball at Chris for the victory.  What really happened was he picked a ball up off the ground, took about six steps and threw a ball at a scrawny, un-athletic dude who was too slow to get out of the way.

In fact, all these guys are playing up this thing.  They're talking about not being able to see the balls whizzing past them and whatnot.  The final round starts with Brooks hurting his finger, and Des coming to his aid like he's been shot.  It's a finger!  Ronnie Lott cut one off to finish a football game!  The blue team wins, but Des brings everyone along to the after party anyways.  This is cool on the Bachelorette, but Sean did this on the Bachelorette and all the girls got PISSED.  Big difference between guys and girls.

Meantime, Brooks is hooked up to oxygen?  For a finger?  He passed out?  He kicked his bed out of pain?  This guy went to the Tierra school of overexaggerating injuries.  Anyone who thought their first date was "magical" can just forget about him winning.  Des will act all sympathetic for a while, but no girl wants a namby pamby man.  Last night I was having issues with some pain in my left shoulder area, and I was a little worried I might be having a heart issue.  Rachel said "stop freaking out, it's probably a pinched nerve or something, let me give you a massage."  She proceeded to dig her well sharpened elbow into my back for about twenty minutes.  Her plan was to show me what real pain was, I think.  Point is, she wasn't interested in my complaining about my injury....she wanted a real guy who would suck it up and deal with it.  As always, I'm amazed she agreed to marry me.

Brad (or Gay Brad as Rachel calls him) tells Des he has a kid and baby mama drama.  It involves alcohol and a restraining order, but of course he didn't do anything wrong.  I'm pretty sure he just disqualified himself, but kudos for being honest.

Brooks shows back up and tries to say that "it's not a big deal, just a broken finger."  Nice try, but last scene you were laid up on a stretcher taking oxygen.  I'd hate to be around when this guy gets a paper cut - I imagine ice packs, Bubble Guppies bandaids, and maybe some tylenol being involved.  Rachel thinks he may be gay as well.  She thinks that's the twist this season....Des got 24 gay guys and one straight guy, and she has to find the guy who likes girls.  She might not be wrong.....Brandon is getting all weepy about her dancing with Chris, who maybe had the most ungrateful reaction to getting a rose on a group date ever.  Not even a full smile, just a half smirk and an emotionless "thank you for this."  I don't see him winning this thing either.  Maybe my dude Juan Pablo has a chance!  The language barrier may work in his favor....the other guys may know how to speak English, but they certainly haven't mastered it.

Chris and Des get a private concert that isn't all that private, as the other guys can see what's going on.  I will give kudos to the singer...her voice was pretty intoxicating.  A heck of a lot more romantic than that Andy Grammer fella from last week.  Unfortunately I didn't catch her name.

DRAMA TIME!!  Chris tells Des she's got some news about one of the guys.  Maybe it'll have to wait, because it's time for Des's #date with #Kasey.  Or not......time to talk to Brian first!

Brian is kind of an anonymous guy, I'm not sure I know anything about him.  Des says "Brian has been trying to get a one on one date since day one!"  I'm not sure how that's a bad thing....unless of course you have a girlfriend!  OH GURRRLLLL - you got served.  I'm not sure how you get away with going on a reality show while having a girlfriend and think you're not going to get caught.  Which brings me to this week's segment of

Andy Lasselle's Advice for Guys Cheating on Their Girlfriends
When attempting to cheat on your girlfriend the first rule is this:

• DON'T GO ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED REALITY SHOW TO DO IT

If you want to end a relationship, there's plenty of ways to do it that don't involve publicly humiliating your current girlfriend, whom you must have, at one time, had a modicum of respect for.  Furthermore, there's much easier ways to get a little side action without competing against 24 other dudes in activities like creating bad rap videos and playing dodgeball.  I don't know how you think you're not going to get caught in this little adventure either.  "Honey, I gotta go away for anywhere from 3 days to 3 months....it's a thing for work.  I'll call you when I can, ok?  Oh, and don't watch ABC or visit their website for a while, got it?  Ok love you buh-bye!"

I'm pretty sure this thing is staged, because nobody is as stupid as the paragraph I wrote above, right?

I love that Brian is wearing a pink v-neck for this conversation.  I also love that the other guys are all huddled in the kitchen taking this in.  This girl looks like she's old enough to be Brian's mother.  She apparently is a mother.  She's come equipped with FACTS too.  She knows dates, she's confirmed six or seven other girls that he's hooked up with (IT'S VERIFIED).  This is a crazy scene.  All four people are talking, Chris Harrison has already sentenced Brian to death essentially, Stephanie apparently chucked some rocks at this guys face.  SHE THREW ROCKS AT HIS FACE.  And we're all mad at this guy for wanting to date someone else?  I'm dumbfounded by this.  The rock throwing has completely changed my view of this situation.  I absolutely would date someone who did not throw rocks at my face over someone who did use my face for rock target practice.  No wonder he wasn't honest with her...if he told her the truth, she might've stabbed him with a tree branch or something.  Des sends him home....Chris acts as if this guy is the most horrible person in the world and asks him to leave this place immediately....but not before the camera crew follows you in front of all the other guys up to the messiest dorm room you've ever seen to pack his crap.  Des says she needs to trust her intuition and hope its right.  Apparently it's not, because Brian had you fooled until his leather pants wearing mom/girlfriend traipsed in there to verbally assault him.  Des reiterates that Brian was not here for the "right reasons."  Apparently "trying to get away from a rock throwing psycho" is a wrong reason.  Des pleads with the guys "if you're hiding anything, tell me now."  As if anyone's going to say "You're right!  I have a girl back home too!"  Nice try, ABC.

Brandon apparently thinks Brian leaving a single mom is the worst thing ever, because now he's crying.  I can't believe I picked this guy as my favorite on the first night.  Juan Pablo is now Numero Uno in my book?  Who?  Juan.  Who Juan?  Juan Pablo.  Can we get him some airtime please?

Juan Pablo time will have to wait, because Kasey gets to #danceonabuilding with Des.  Des is glad to be on this date because Kasey is so #fun and #trustworthy.  How she knows these things is beyond me.  Must be that razor-sharp intuition of hers.

Dancing on the side of a building is a thing?  Why is that a thing?  Why is called Bandalooping?  Kasey thinks they're sharing a moment that nobody else will share.  Clearly he's never watched a season of this show.  Apparently they got really tired and sucked at bandalooping, so they quit and decide to eat dinner instead.  No speech about "it was amazing that we competed this difficult task together, we can definitely overcome anything now!"  Des seems grumpy.  Dinner's no better, because there's a full-scale tornado going on out there.  They can't even talk about anything, so they decide to jump into a pool, which of course is freezing.  Kasey tries to make the best of it, but they somehow end up kissing with towels on their heads, which is just awful.  Des is completely not feeling this, but she gives him the rose anyways.  I think she just felt she couldn't ditch the guy after one of the biggest #fail dates of all time, since it really wasn't his fault.  He won't stick around long though.

Group date time, and we're stagecoaching it out to a ranch.  Des is dressed like a turn of the 20th century prostitute, and she's kicking a guy off a balcony.  Turns out this date is a fifteen minute infomercial for The Lone Ranger.  Yawn.

First "bootcamp" activity is lassoing.  Why do they have pink ropes?  What is the purpose for the pink ropes?  They also get to practice "quick drawing" a pistol and punching people.  Now they get to put it all together in the worst movie scene of all time.....

UNTIL JUAN PABLO KILLS IT.  He's kicking dirt on people, cussing in Spanish....I love this guy.  His reward is getting to watch The Lone Ranger in the barn with Des.  They don't spend very much time actually watching the movie, instead flirting and making out.  I'm not sure this was the best way to plug your movie, ABC...."Pay $11.25 to not watch our movie and make out!"  At least Juan Pablo hasn't proven himself to be an idiot yet.  He's still in the running to win this thing.  If anyone else gets the rose, I'm not sure I understand the point of this show.

Bryden gets to sit in a tree with Des for some alone time, and of course he thinks that it's "awesome."  Bryden is a nice guy, but he might be "too nice" to win this competition.  Des has to basically draw him a map to her face again to get a kiss, but of course he thinks that kissing her is "awesome," and he "wants to do it again."  He's a child, but I like him.

Shirtless Zak is growing on me.  He's over the top enthusiastic, but at least he's not whiny, like our next guy, Meathead James.

Meathead James is having a nice, fun conversation with Des, until he drops the bomb that he's worried about his dad, who has pancreatic cancer or something.  He then basically says "I hope you see a future for us, because ol' Dad is sick, and I might need to go home if you don't give me a rose tonight."  What a smooth move.  Des falls for it, and gives him the sympathy rose.  Juan Pablo got hosed.

Des says "the rose to me represents time....more time."  James says "this rose represents that our feelings are the same."  Clearly not, but good try buddy.

We can't end this episode without a little Ben drama, right?  Why is he wearing a tankini and hot pink shorts?  He heads Des off at the pass to talk her ear off about how he doesn't want to be in the "dad zone."  They make out, and then Ben says 'remember it's our little secret!"  Yeesh.  Ben continues lie to the guys about everything.  Of course he makes the mistake of lying to Meathead James and Meathead Mikey - two guys Rachel has dubbed "the Chicago Mafia."  They take Ben out to "whack" him or something...even bringing their Miami Lawyer Michael with them to make sure they don't do anything that can be pinned on them or something.  How many times do we have to have these conversations.

Brandon has another horrible one on one time with Des....talking about throwing a ball with some random dude that was boning his mom when he was a kid and then saying he had a secret to tell her and going in for the most awkward kiss ever.  So awkward that Des laughs all the way through it, yet Brandon seems to think it was amazing.  He's clueless, and I'm sad for him, because he clearly doesn't get it.  He's going to get dismissed and he's going to be shocked by it.  I feel bad for people who never seem to be able to see their role in their own failures.  It's got to be hard going through life thinking that you've done everything right at every turn and then getting dumped again and again.  Self-reflection is a powerful tool that everyone should have in their toolbox.

Time for the rose ceremony (finally.)  Roses go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak the Enthusiastic, Broken-Finger Brooks, Skinny Drew, The Other Drew, Gay Brad, Miami Lawyer Michael, Chicago Mafia Mikey, and Ben.  Confusion covers Brandon's face like a cloud rolling in off the coast.  He still doesn't get it.  He goes right on the offensive telling Des "you're making a huge mistake, I don't understand."  Des says tersely "you're a great guy, just not for me."  I feel like she handled it pretty well.....oh God no, she's following him out.  Do not give this guy anything else.  She tells him she needed to send him home now before he got any further in, and he's dumbfounded.  "Once again, someone left me" he moans.  As Coolio once said "you can't help me if you can't help yourself." Good move Des.

Bachelorette Week 2 - That's a (bad) Rap!

Welcome back y'all.  Let's hope we get into the bro-drama early.  Is anyone else alarmed by the huge amount of meatheads on this season?  Did Des say she wanted the most caveman-like dudes ever?

Chris Harrison is here to humblebrag about his house (will this work for you guys?) and to explain how the dates work just in case these guys have never seen the show before.  Up first is Brooks who is so excited he's giving "arm pumps" and doing "the Rocky Balboa."  I dislike him already.  He says "Des is a big ball of mystery to me."  That's good, given that he's never been on a date with her.  When talking with the guys, he also says he is "actually excited" to go on the date, and one of the guys chimes in "you do seem to be be pretty positive about this."  Call me crazy, but if you're about to go on a first date where Walt Disney is picking up the tab and all you know about the girl is that she's super attractive and desperate for a relationship, shouldn't you be pretty amped about the prospects for the night?  Is there an alternative?  "I dunno guys, maybe I shouldn't have auditioned for the show...I'm kinda bummed now that I'm living in this mansion stocked with free booze where I spend my days hanging by a pool and my nights going on incredible dates with a hottie....this is going to suck!"

Des is "hopeful" that her husband is in the group.  Des shows up in her Bentley and Shirtless Zak is "knocked off his seat" by her beauty.  I will say that it looks like Des has been hitting the gym since her stint on the Bachelor.  Maybe she was always that fit, but either she dressed in baggier clothes or the fact that we no longer have her enormous bangs to stare at made me notice her physique a little more this season.  In any event - well done Des!

Single Daddy Ben gives a glimpse of the D-bag we've been led to believe he is when he whines "I didn't want to see Brooks go on this date...I mean, he's nice and genuine, but he's not me."  I'm assuming he means that he wants to go on the date, but maybe he's alluding to the fact that he is neither nice nor genuine. 

Des says that this date is going to be a slice of her life....so they're off to a bridal shop to play dress up.  Des picks out a wedding dress, Brooks picks out the Dumb and Dumber special - a lime green getup.  I have many pet peeves about this show, but one of them is how it always goes for the obvious laugh.  "Oh, I know what I'll do...I'll find the ugliest tux in here and wear it!  She'll see how quirky I am!"  Brooks is smitten with Des.  "Des is beautiful, I think that's because of who she is...she could literally wear any dress in the store!"  I'm not sure how her inner beauty relates to her ability to wear a dress, but OK. 

Off they go in stolen wedding attire!  They stop at what looks like a mobile cake truck, and apparently there's 47 people who watch the bachelorette that just happen to also want cake, because Des is immediately surrounded by women in their late 20s and 30s who are freaking out like it's a Michael Jackson concert.  I've never really understood the freaking out over meeting a celebrity if you're over the age of say 17.  Yes, it's cool.  If I happened to be walking down the street to my favorite mobile cake truck and ran into Des, I'd probably be fairly excited, given that the Bachelor/ette consumes a sizable chunk of my free time.  Yes, I'd probably ask for a picture.  But that'd be it.  There'd be none of this "I just hit a half court shot to win the championship" celebration.

Time to drive to the top of a hill - and not just any hill...the Hollywood Sign hill.  Des says the reason they get to do this because "it's the 90th anniversary of the sign and normally people don't get access to the sign."  So then why did Ali get to take Frank to the Hollywood sign a few years back?  Was that the 87th anniversary of the sign?  Furthermore, I'm pretty sure if I showed up down in Hollywood this weekend and try to walk up to the sign and say "hey, I'm here for the 90th birthday party for the sign.  I just want to hang out on the L for a while."  I'd probably get told to leave in some strong language. 

Brooks says he loves being "above the clouds."  Somebody tell this guy about smog, OK?  That hill's not THAT high.  Des says the sign symbolizes everyone coming to California to pursue their dreams. I guess I can see that....the Hollywood sign is essentially the Statue of Liberty for people who are destined to become porn stars or waitresses (or both). 

Moving on to the dinner portion of our amazing date and they're either eating at some abandoned warehouse or Des is lost.  Seriously, the neighborhood they're in is looking rough.  I'd suggest they lock the doors on the car and roll through all the stop signs, but of course they're driving a convertible  Bentley.  That car costs more than my house.  So, of course, Des comes to a complete stop at a roadblock and then exits the vehicle.  I thought she had more sense than that.  Brooks looks slightly less sure of Des's plan to exit the vehicle and cruise right on through the road block.  At this point I realized that Des is probably in on some sort of prank.  Yep..it's a blocked off bridge for a date!  Because nothing says romance like eating in the middle of an overpass.  When did this become a thing?  On top of a building I get.  Picnic in the park, OK.  But a freaking bridge?  Unless it's the Golden Gate, I say pass. 

As is customary, talk turns a little more serious at dinner.  Des talks about how her parents are her guiding light for love, then flips it on Brooks and asks how his divorced parents shape his views on marriage.  Brooks gets crazy flustered, and says "well, I don't really share this with a lot of people."  Turns out Brooks went six years without talking to his dad.  There's no real explanation as to why.  Brooks wants to make sure that doesn't happen to him in his marriage.  Basically Brooks parents taught him that he doesn't want to get divorced.  Good to know.  He then says today has been an "emotional roller coaster" for him.  Because she asked one question about your parents?  Yikes Brooks.  He earns the rose, because he told Des his "stories."  She also said he was vulnerable.  I'm not sure what that means.  Brooks says that this is the kind of date guys wish they could give girls and girls wish their guys would do for them.  Yes, because every girl hopes to date a guy with ABC's budget. 

Date's over right?  Nope...there's music rolling in from the darkness.  Private concert time!  What random singer that you've never heard of is it this time?  Andy Grammer and his band!  Who is Andy Grammer?  Well he sings that "keep your head up" song that once made it all the way to #53 on the charts!  He's not even a Top 40 guy!  Casey Kasem would've made this guy tie his shoes if he saw him on the street.  The last official stop on your trip to irrelevance is a private concert on the Bachelor/ette. 

Case in point, it's group date time with one hit wonder Soulja Boy Tell'em!  As one of my coworkers put it - "He's still alive??"  Yup, and he's a horrible coach.  I don't think he offered the guys one constructive piece of advice during the entire episode.  Furthermore, I don't think ABC even played any of his music.  We're making a rap video.  Soulja Boy (whose real name is DeAndre Cortez Way - Which is way better than Soulja Boy BTW) has them freestyle a little bit, and it doesn't go well at all.  These guys are terrible.  Also, I need to apologize to Soulja Boy - he's a two hit wonder.  While he's mostly known for "Crank That" of his debut album souljaboytellem.com - which was number one for an incredible seven weeks despite only having roughly seven words in the entire song - he also had a less acclaimed but much more listenable song "Kiss Me Through the Phone" off his 2008 album iSouljaBoyTellEm.  And yes, his album names are idiotic.  Don't be surprised if his next album is called #souljaboytellem.  Which brings me to this week's edition of:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for the next Soulja Boy Tell'em
When releasing an album, DO NOT just throw any title on your album.  You gain nothing by doing this.  As an artist, you already have fans.  Those people are going to buy your album regardless.  People like Jay-Z and Dr. Dre and Billy Joel and Justin Bieber can do this, because they're household names already and will sell bajillions of records regardless.  You know who won't sell bajillions of records on name recognition alone?  Soulja Boy!!  If you've already released seven multi platinum albums, go ahead and name the next one VIII or The Black Album or something.  If not, name it something that will make people at least pick it up if they have no idea who you are.  Jay-Z's first album was "Reasonable Doubt" and contains exactly one song that I've heard before.  Once he'd released a bunch of hits, then he started getting generic with his album names - His latest was The Blueprint Vol. 3 which gives you an idea that he's so rich he could name his album "Jay-Z Raps" and not care at all.  So don't throw a .com or an "i" or a hashtag on your Album Name.  Either name it after something that announces to the world who you are or what you're about (For instance, I think the name "Pit Bulls and Pole Dancers" would merit at least a few impulse buys) or at the very least name it after your biggest single.  But iYourName is stupid, and it will make me LESS likely to buy your crummy rap album.

Back to the dates, and Ben is first up on alone time.  He's already taking the antagonist stance of "I'm on this group date by myself and there's a bunch of other dudes watching me on my date with Des."  This is the battle cry of the most hated person on the show every time (see Robertson, Courtney and LiCausi, Tierra for examples).  I'm pretty sure that none of these guys even practiced the rapping.  Des says it's good that Soulja Boy is there to guide things.  The only advice he gives is "you got to get more into it.  It sounds like you're reading a poem."  Well there we go.  At least his choreographer taught me the "flip the burgers" move which I plan on debuting at my brother's wedding in August.  Before we go too much further into this disaster of a date, here's the whole music video for you:

Brandon got the enviable task of wearing a speedo, which ABC went to great lengths to block out with a strange black bar.  Wasn't this the same network that brought us NYPD Blue, which made headlines for showing naked backsides like twenty years ago?  So basically they went out of their way to block off his butt....which seems like a waste of money.  Not that I wanted to see his butt....errr.....really backed myself into a corner here.  Moving on.....

How is it that Des is the best rapper of the bunch?  A precocious doe eyed girl known for her down on the farm hairstyle (BANGS!) just a few months ago is now rocking a bikini and outrapping twelve guys who probably grew up listening to Nelly, Lil' Wayne and the like?  I'm not saying that these guys were terrible, but my brother made a whole rap CD with songs about me for Christmas one year, and it wasn't completely awful.  Oof.

Back on the group date, Zak gives her an antique diary that's "never been written in."  That's probably good, because what is she going to do with an antique diary that has someone else's thoughts in it?  Also, what's the chance that it was like those new jeans you pay $87 for that have a hole in the knee and look "vintage" - as in it looks like your grandpa wore them on the farm while tilling the cornfield back in the drought of '57.  He probably bought it at Ikea or Pottery Barn or something.

Mikey and his five o'clock shadow are interrupted by Single Dad Ben, who proceeds to talk about how much he misses his son and how he knows it's a big step starting a relationship with someone who is a parent...and asks her if she has any questions for him.  Seems like a logical thing to say, but Des is like "nope, I'm cool with it."  I'm not sure what she was supposed to ask...like did he want to know if she thought his son was going to call her "Mommy" or what.  He quickly changes the subject to kissing, using the cowboy hat he wore earlier as the reason he didn't make out with her earlier.  I'm sure it was the hat and not the 12 other dudes burning holes in his back with their judging eyes.

Michael the Miami Lawyer also has something on his mind...and it's respect.  Nobody disses his Nana on his watch!  He tells Des that he likes the guys, but he'll narc on them in a second if he thinks they're dissing Des.  Meanwhile 5 o'clock shadow Mikey is starting to feel like Ben is not a good guy.  He calls him over to tell him he's kind of miffed at the way he's going about things, and Ben responds with a "thanks for the heads up" but doesn't really apologize, instead complimenting Mikey on his shoes.  Mikey seems strangely distracted by this and smiles and claps him on the back like they're cool again.  Very weird.

 Also not cool with Ben is my pre-show favorite - Motorcycle Brandon.  Brandon's a bit of a whiny dude - he somehow thinks that because Ben is making out with Des that he's not there for the right reasons.  He's not going to miss his chance to make an impression on Des, so after sitting forlornly in the dark by himself he unloads his sob story about how his dad split and his mom was a drug addict and he raised his siblings instead of going to school and that's why he's not a millionaire.  Then he gets really weird and starts gushing "I just want to come home to you and love you...." wow.  Coming on a little strong here Brandon.  You're not doing yourself any favors.  In a strange twist, after coming on strong with Des, he tries to backtrack by saying that he is "falling in like" with Des way faster than he thought.  I used to fall in like with girls in line at 7-11, so I'm not sure how he's moving too fast on the "like" train.

Back in front of the entire group, Des announces that the rose is going to the guy who opened up to her and really used his one-on-one time to the fullest extent - Single Dad Ben!  He asked her if she had any questions about dating a parent, and then he made out with her.  Very efficient use of time.

Bryden gets our second solo date.  The guys razz him when she honks the horn for him, and then somebody makes the comment that "even though he wouldn't be driving, he wishes he was in the car." I can't tell if he is upset that he's not with Des or that he's not with the car.

The date is a road trip, and Des is excited to show Bryden California.  Bryden seems like a bit of a puppy dog, getting super excited about picking up SmartFood popcorn at the supermarket.  I get the sense that he didn't go on many dates back in Montana or when in Iraq on military duty.  He's super curious about everything.  The beach is awesome, the orange grove is "so cool," he's never had brie cheese in his life, and the spa "sounds perfect.!"  So he's a bit of a sheltered dude, I actually like the guy.  He doesn't seem to be full of himself or feel the need to establish dominance like some of the other guys Des has in her stable.  At dinner, Bryden gets to unload his sob story - He got in a bad car wreck and had 100 staples put in his head and shoulder.  You'd think that description would be enough to illustrate the point, but nope...he brought illustrations.  My favorite was the picture of him seemingly in a coma with a teddy bear.  He points out that his mom took that picture because she took care of him and nursed him back to health.  I love that he threw that in there....he's close with his mom because she didn't abandon him when he was in a life threatening car wreck.  This has taught him that life is short and you need to live it hour to hour or something.  He earns vital "life has taught him how to love" points from Desiree.

Des asks him about his future plans, and he starts talking about the past.  Clearly he doesn't have a good answer for this.  He starts talking about how he used the military as an excuse to not get close to people, and that he's not going to do that anymore.  Works for Des, she gives him the rose, commenting on how glad she is that he told her "his story."

Why does everyone have to have "a story?"  Are you not marriage material if you haven't had to overcome some sort of personal tragedy?  When I was ten years old, a friend of mine and her sister were killed by their mother before she turned the gun on herself.  It was sad and tragic and all that stuff, but do I think that it in any way affected my ability to love or shaped my outlook on life?  No, but if I were on the Bachelorette, I'd have to tell the girl that it did in order to show her that I was broken at one point in my life and now can accept love, which seems like a huge disservice to my friend and her sister.  Yet if I don't come forward with something like that, I get seen as a guy who "puts up walls" and isn't willing to "open up" about his past.  It's a crazy system.  Every guy should walk around with some sad piano music on an iPod for when he gets alone time.

Bryden then gets some quality hot tub time where he just keeps saying how "awesome" the date was.  Des clearly wants to be kissed and is sort of blown away that he's not picking up on the signals.  It probably has something to do with him looking at his hands in the water, but whatever.  Finally Des ends the madness by demanding he kiss her to which he says "I should?  I should just go for it?"  Good Lord he's sheltered.  However, he's not sheltered enough to not use an obscene amount of tongue on the kiss.  I get the feeling he practiced that kiss on a pillow once or twice....

Mercifully, it's time for the rose ceremony.  Michael needs to get something off his chest.  He has diabetes.  There!  It's out!  Phew, thank God he didn't hide that from her!  Before he can get too far into his story about how his blood sugar was 890, which means absolutely nothing to anyone who doesn't have diabetes, here comes Single Dad Ben again!

Ben gets his one on one time while the other guys talk about how much a douche he is.  Ben is a walking cliché, telling Des he just loves her smile and how he can't wait to see her again and blah blah blah.  He is also glad that he and Des share a secret: that only he knows how good of a kisser she is.  Jokes on him though - Brooks and Bryden also know, although I'm not sure that Bryden could tell much other than his tongue was definitely attacking something other than the back of his own teeth.

Miami Michael calls Ben aside to talk to him about his swooping problem, which basically is a bunch of lawyer speak.  He says "we're all here for Des and not to make friends, but you're not getting along with the guys like everyone else."  Can't have it both ways Michael.  He says he doesn't care if he makes friends with the other guys, yet gets angry at him for doing "unfriendly" things.  Mikey feels the need to inject himself in here, reiterating that "you got a rose, why don't you let my buddy here have a few moments with her?"  I'm confused, but then Ben offers the lame excuse that he didn't know he was interrupting a conversation and says "the other guys think I was being selfish, but I'm just doing what I need to do for me and Des."  Sounds pretty selfish to me man!

It was interesting to here the guys griping about how he hasn't brought his son up with them since the first night, yet has talked at length about his bar and his other business ventures.  RIGHT REASONS ALERT!

And now we're finally on to the rose ceremony.  Chris says that the drama that's already going down is "actually a good thing" because it shows how serious they are about this.  Translation:  "you guys are going to get people to watch this show with your bitchy tantrums."  I wish I could take pictures of these guys faces, because they all look like they're about to vomit.  Just awesome television.  They didn't even need any sound.  #RoseCeremonyFace!  Hashtagger gets a rose, despite not making a single Twitter reference the entire episode.  Also safe is Juan (Who? Juan.  Who Juan?  Juan Pablo!) Pablo, who also had a pretty uneventful episode.  Des did take the time to learn how to ask "will you accept this rose in Spanish though, so that's a good sign for ol' "Who Juan."  Not safe are Black Yoga Man, some scrawny dude who looks like Captain America BEFORE he gets the Super Soldier Serum named  Robert (who called his experience "a nightmare" and a completely forgettable fella named Nick who seems shocked that he's going home heartbroken.

On to next week, which features a lot of bro-drama and bad tank tops!  Can't wait!