Anyways, I sort of made it through the Women Tell All last week, but I can't tell if the show is getting worse because I've finally reached the Roger Murtaugh age or because the show just stopped trying. The entire episode was just one woman after another blaming other people for their own faults or turning their battle in the house with the other ladies into some sort of metaphor for the increasingly adversarial nature of our entire society. Liz surmised that the girls weren't mad at her because she bragged about having sex with the guy they were dating at "Jade and Tanner's wedding" (yeah, I said it, DRINK!)....it was because of the political climate, and at a time like this, women need to be supporting each other and standing together, even if they did sleep with your boyfriend. Taylor seemed to think that her career had been damaged because the other women said mean stuff about her, not because she said mean stuff about them and acted like she was too good to be on a show that she willingly signed up for. Corinne claimed she never said anything bad about anyone in the house, then qualified it by saying that other people said bad stuff about her first, so anything she said after that was completely fine. Jasmine seemed to sum the whole season up in one sentence: "we all call each other bitches."
Ok, so now onto the finale. We're left with Raven and Vanessa. Does he pick Raven, the girl from Hoxie, Arkansas (population 2,680) or Vanessa, the headstrong Canadian who, when asked about what things she is unwilling to compromise about, says "Sunday dinners with my family." Not her religion, not having kids, not drugs.....no she's unwilling to sacrifice a dinner with her family on Sunday for her husband. I remember how important spending Christmas Day with my mom's family was to me...until I got married and realized that if it was important to me, it was probably equally as important to my wife to spend Christmas with her family, and OH MY GOD WE COMPROMISED.
Anyways, we're in Finland, and Nick's whole family has been flown in, including his super awesome little sister Bella. We're reminded a thousand times how in love with Andi and Kaitlyn Nick was, and how he's worried it won't work out again. The only difference this time is that there are no other options for his love interests, something this show conveniently has forgotten all season. I think it's 100% evident to everyone that either woman would say yes if he proposed, so I'm not sure what his doubts are.
Nick bravely tells us that he's willing to risk proposing again, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact ABC would basically sue the hell out of him if he didn't see this through. Nonetheless, we get to hear his family tell us for the millionth time "the girls could say no," and "given Nick's track record....." despite the fact that BOTH GIRLS HAVE TOLD HIS FAMILY THAT THEY LOVE NICK AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.
Vanessa is now talking to Nick's sister, and all of a sudden she's "open to compromise" and "would be willing to leave Montreal." God damnit, ABC. That whole "we've gotta eat dinner every Sunday in Montreal" bullcrap was just a contrived storyline to create a conflict to make us think he might not pick Vanessa, and I fell for it the same way I fell for it when Brad Womack and Emily got in a huge disagreement in the fantasy suite about him not being ready to be a father. Lo and behold, he still picked Emily (and they broke up fairly shortly after.) I see the same thing happening with Nick now.....he'll pick Vanessa, and then they'll break up shortly thereafter.
There's lots of tears on Vanessa's visit with Nick's family. His mom gets teary eyed, his dad cries, Vanessa cries.......quick poll - how many of you cried with your in-laws before you got married when discussing your relationship with their son/daughter? Anyone?
You'll be shocked to learn that Nick's family thinks that both girls have a shot to be proposed to and that he has a connection with both of them. Nick's mom then says Raven was "too quick" to say she wants to be engaged to Nick. Damn you Raven, you love my son too much! His mom then goes on to some sort of thing about how proposing is "a one time thing" which is hilarious because Nick has been engaged or nearly engaged like three or four times already. Nick's dad then says something about Nick being jilted at "the proposal altar" which ISN'T EVEN A THING! A proposal altar....get out of here with that nonsense.
Hilariously, this commercial break features a drug commercial where people are holding up paper plates with smiley faces in front of their faces to mask their depression, which seems like a fitting metaphor for anyone dating Nick Viall.
Nick has also set a record for straddle hugs, which I'm wondering if anyone over the age of 23 still does.
Situations that call for a straddle hug:
You're a teenager
You just got home from a tour in Afghanistan
You won the lottery
You're on the bachelor and it's been sixteen hours since you've seen your boyfriend because he's been having sex with another girl.
What the hell is Santa doing here? It's March! Everyone understands that this show airs in March, right? Nick asks Santa for love for Christmas, Vanessa asks for "happiness with the one I love." Vanessa then tells us how Santa is a metaphor for love, and then Santa gives them a gift with the symbol of fertility on it. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK, SANTA??? If there is one thing I never want to associate Santa with, it's sex. Santa is way too closely associated with children for that nonsense.
We've now reached the portion of the date where Vanessa questions everything and makes us think there's no way she's ready to get engaged. Nick says he wants this to "feel like a love he's never felt before." Just stop, dude. You've been down this road at least twice before. You've told everyone at every turn that you were so confident going into Kaitlyn and Andi's final episodes that you were going to get engaged, so just stop with this "I know now what love is" garbage. He then tells Vanessa that he "needs to use this entire week" to figure out who to propose to. He also says that if someone told him that he was going to face a lot of challenges and difficulties on his path to getting engaged and he still wanted to get engaged...that's pretty romantic. Did he just give himself props for stringing Vanessa along? I sorta think so. They cry together.
Chris Harrison pops in to ask us if we think Nick will "let America down." No pressure dude.
Raven comes in for a full-on hands-on-butt-cheeks straddle hug from Nick. They ice skate together as we get serenaded by
Raven and Nick's date has a real playful vibe, and it really is starting to feel like Vanessa is his wife and Raven is the mistress he goes to see when things with his wife get "too real." ABC then decides to sledgehammer how young Raven is into her age by giving her the fantasy date of every kindergarten girl: Ice skating, hot cocoa and puppies!
Raven then uses "serious time" to tell Nick he doesn't need to worry, she's going to say yes if he proposes. Nick then says "more than any of the other girls, I knew I never had to worry about that with you." Because any time a girl brings up proposal, the first thing she wants to hear about are your other girlfriends, you douchenozzle. They do have a cute moment when they make fun of each others accents. You'd think it was a no doubter that he'd pick Raven, given that they laughed and kissed and had trouble saying goodbye to each other, whereas Vanessa's date ended in tears. This mean's he's picking Vanessa.
Nick then has his reflective moments staring into the fire in a place called the "Bear's Den." As he sips his cocoa and stares into the flickering flames, who should appear but Santa! Oh wait, he's already been here. It's someone nearly as old and also someone I'll never associate with sex, Neil Lane! Neil walks him through getting a ring. I wonder how many times Nick finished Neil's sentence during that conversation. 'This one here is a -" "princess cut. I know Neil."
Nick's deliberation time is over, and he's breaking up with Raven. Of course. ABC's going to get a much more heartbreaking reaction from the 25 year old small town dreamer than the 29 year old pragmatic Canadian.
Raven then gives some sort of prepared speech/vows that starts with "stepping out of the limo......" Nick, being the classy guy that he is, lets her get through the entire speech before blowing her out of the water. He compliments her to no end, and then says "I just don't know that I'm in love." In a twist, small town girl handles it way better than this blubbering idiot. He's crying talking about how great she is and what a mess he is. No girl wants to hear how hard it was on you to break her heart. No guy wants to hear that either, for that matter. He says "I'm going to miss you," and she politely smiles and says "I know." Nicely done, Raven. Definitely the winner of this season, regardless of who gets the roses, rings, or future reality seasons.
Cue Raven in the van wondering if love will ever find her, and if it's possible that nobody can ever love her. So hyperbolic, these final exits are.
Vanessa walks in, and Nick tries to pull her in for a straddle hug, forgetting she's wearing a dress. No prepared speech from Vanessa, just break right into the proposal from Nick. Oh wait, after his speech about seeing her step out of the limo, we get to hear it again, but from her perspective! I'm so glad we get to hear about that moment again in the exact same terms!
I love that he proposes by opening the ring to the camera so we can see the Neil Lane name, rather than opening it towards Vanessa. It's such a perfect TV moment.
And with that, The Bachelor is over, and the blog goes back into hibernation.....forever? We'll see. Turns out I kind of miss doing this.
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