Lasselle Christmas Travel: Amtrak Version

Day 1

Well, the Great Lasselle Train Trip of 2015 is underway! I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.  Last week I was talking to my 97 year old grandmother about taking the train, and she told me some stories about her experiences riding the train cross country in the 1940’s, and it was cool to think about doing something in almost the same manner it was done 75 years ago.  It really started last night, with an epic packing session.  Trains (unlike planes) don’t charge you per bag.  You are allowed two checked bags AND two personal items.  Impressive!  Only problem is packing all that luggage around.  Rachel did some research and discovered that our stop (the station in Wisconsin Dells) doesn’t offer baggage service, meaning all of our luggage would have to be of the carry-on variety.  The website wasn’t entirely clear if this meant we needed to use smaller suitcases or not, so I called the 800 number.  Amtrak has an automated helper named “Julie” that is not helpful at all.  Though she never gives you an option to “speak to an agent” I asked her to anyways.  I was promptly put on hold and then had a lovely conversation with a woman named Louise.  Louise reminded me of Smash Williams' mom from Friday Night Lights.  She was super sassy and also very helpful.  When I asked about differences in carry-on vs. checked bags, she said “Sir we are not the airlines – a bag is a bag!”  When I told her this was our first trip, she then gave me a few more helpful tips, most importantly that trains are made of metal, and as such they get cold when the lights go down.  Also, pillows and blankets don’t count against your personal items limit.  I thought about asking her if it was ok then to put said pillows and blankets in a bag, but decided better of it.  Besides, our carry-on count was 3 (I actually measured our bags for the first time in my life to make sure they would fit) and our personal item count was 6, so we had a bag or two to play with.  Why six personal bags do you ask?  Well, because you can bring food!  We had a cooler full of sandwiches and snacks and another bag with popcorn and granola bars.  The goal was to make it through this 40-hour ordeal without buying all our meals in an overpriced dining car.  Once everything was packed and Rachel’s double sided checklist was all checked off, we headed to sleep, excited to head to Portland for our first train trip as a family!

After an early Christmas at my mom’s house, we made it to Union Station in Portland about an hour or so before our scheduled time of departure (4:45 pm). As we pulled into the station, we passed by a rather large homeless camp that was set up on the street.  The kids seemed a little confused why people were camping out for trains. 

Look how happy we were!

Turns out, we almost camped out ourselves.

The first thing Jonah did when we got into the station was try to find Platform 9 ¾.  He valiantly slammed into a wall, with predictable results.  I wish I had a video of it, but he did it too fast, and I couldn't get him to try again.  At 4:15, we made our way to the train conductor to get checked in.  She told us to go to ignore the people going to Gate 6 (our scheduled gate) and head to Gate 7.  That’s because they send families to a “special gate” so that we can board first and ensure we all get seats together.  She then told us to “get comfortable” because it was going to be an hour before we boarded.  Portland is the endpoint of the Empire Builder train route, so I thought it was a little weird that the train would be delayed before anyone even got on.  No matter, a half an hour wasn’t going to be that big of a deal.

The kids were not thrilled with the delay.  Jonah wrote in his journal about how dumb the train was.

It was closer to four and a half hours before we boarded.  Train gates are not like plane gates.  There’s minimal seating, and everyone else is left to fend for themselves on hard, cold concrete.  Jocelyn fashioned herself a bed on an old timey luggage cart. Rachel, who hadn’t been feeling well all day, really went downhill and curled into the fetal position on the ground, surrounded by our bags.  Around 6:30, they let us know the train engine was having issues, and there was no timetable for our departure.  Around 7:00, they brought us all snacks and water.  The snack bags consisted of some raspberry shortbread cookies, generic goldfish crackers, and a blue shiny bag that said “snack du jour” on it.  I was really excited to see what the mystery snack was.  It turned out to be almonds. (Insert Sad Trombone Music Here). Finally, around 8:30, a replacement engine was hooked up. We boarded our train and were off!

See if you can find Rachel in the picture on the left.  Jocie's makeshift bed on the right.

Once we figured out where to stash our luggage and found our seats, we settled in to our new home for the next 40 hours or so.  Jocelyn made friends with the boy sitting in front of her, a kid named Henry who was about her age.  They discussed their favorite colors, if they thought spies were on the train, and if the large building with all the windows we passed was a hotel or not.  It was a warehouse at the Port of Portland. 

While a four hour delay is not ideal, so far I’m really digging the train over plane thing.  A few of the pro-train arguments thus far:

• Shorter check-in time - From curb to gate, it took us roughly fifteen minutes.  There’s no security check points, no putting your bags on conveyor belts, no showing your ID to anyone…none of that mess.  The station is small enough you don’t feel like you’re walking halfway to your final destination just to find your gate.  You could say that the drawback to this is that there is much less security: No bags were scanned, no IDs checked. 
• Friendlier people - This goes for staff as well as other passengers.  Louise was one of the more delightful customer service reps I’ve ever talked to.  The lady who scanned our tickets also gave us a few train trips.  Everyone in line to check-in was chatting each other up, talking about how often they rode the train and where they were going.  A guy with a service dog was going to Minot, North Dakota.  An elderly lady was heading to Winona, Minnesota.  A younger girl was just out of some service organization like Americorps or something, and was heading to Minneapolis, Minnesota.  Jocelyn’s friend Henry was heading to Chicago.  Also, nobody seemed too bummed out about the delay.  Sure, we were all a little annoyed, but nobody started yelling about how horrible Amtrak was and how it they were ruining Christmas.  A group of hipsters broke out a hacky sack to pass the time, then used some Bluetooth speakers to have a dance party to some Bruno Mars.  Seemed an un-hipsterish choice of music, but maybe they were trying to be ironic.  Henry’s mom sang some song about aquatic animals that included wild hand motions, which drew polite applause from the other passengers.  When Jonah was having trouble locating a pen to write in his journal, a man quickly dug into his bag and handed it over to Jonah with a smile.  I love train people.
• Space - OH MY GOD THE SEATS.  They’re essentially recliners with a little less padding.  Leg room for days.  Every seat reclines to about 45 degrees, leg rests come up, tray tables extend back to you.  It’s incredibly more comfortable than a plane, and there’s no middle seats….just windows and aisles. 
• Connectivity - Allegedly, this train has wifi, but I haven’t been able to make it work yet.  I was hoping to post this blog from the train, but it might have to wait until we get ot our destination.  Also, there’s an elecrical plug for every seat, so all your devices can stay fully charged. 

So it was a first day with some good and some bad, but it ended on a high note.  Initially, we were due to hit Glacier National Park just about the time the sun comes up tomorrow, and I’m pretty excited to see that.  May be closer to lunch time before we actually make it, but that’s life on the train I guess.  Things just move a little slower.

Day 2

Our first (and only) full day on the train.  First off, all those people who told us trains were cold are dirty liars.  I went to bed under a blanket wearing a sweatshirt anticipating arctic conditions.  By morning I was in a t-shirt and there were a pile of blankets on the floor.  While the seats are spacious for sitting in, they’re not quite large enough for a 6’2, 250lb. individual to sleep comfortably.  If you are of these dimensions, I’d recommend dropping fifty or so pounds.  Although there was a guy who had to be about 6’4 and 350 who had no problem sleeping behind me, so maybe I shouldn’t complain. 

While train travel lends itself to sleeping (what else are you going to do?), the wake up calls start at 6:30 local time.  That’s when they start announcing the next stop on the line, and also let you know that the dining car is open and ready to accept hungry passengers.  Trains also don’t let you sleep in:  they stop serving breakfast at 9:30.  There’s also a lounge car, which I haven’t yet visited, but serves booze and fast food from what I can gather.  Sort of like the saddest convenience store you can imagine.  Also the lady who runs the lounge car comes on the PA system to let you know when she’s closing the lounge car so she can eat.  It seems sort of crazy to me that they don’t just have someone fill in for her for half an hour while she eats, but whatever. 

The PA system is a constant source of amusement on this train.  Trains may be an outdated mode of transportation these days, but it doesn’t seem to affect the moods of the people working.  Sometime early afternoon, a guy came on the PA to let us know the bathrooms in our car were being cleaned, and to please hold off on using them until he was done.  It’s not a big deal to head one car over and use their bathrooms anyways. A little later, he comes back on to let us know that the bathrooms were cleaned.  “To those of you who waited until I was done cleaning, I thank you,” he said.  “To those that came down here anyways, shame on you for not listening to the announcements.”  I found that pretty amusing.

To pass the time, we watched a few movies on the computer.  Turns out that the free wifi was a myth, and doesn’t exist on the Empire Builder line.  I suppose this makes sense, given that this train travels through some of the most remote parts of the country.   There were large portions of the day where my phone said “no service,”  so definitely download any movies onto your laptop/devices before you get on a long distance train.  The remoteness of the area is phenomenal though, and Jonah and I spent some time just hanging out in the observation lounge, which is pretty awesome.  It’s got much larger windows, and the chairs face outward.  As we traveled through Western Montana, Jonah and I marveled at the snow-covered trees along the river.  Jonah even saw a few deer running across a field, which was pretty neat.  Rachel commented that it was “pretty awesome to see a part of the country inaccessible by cars."  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, but she was absolutely right. 

The highlight of the trip from a scenery standpoint was definitely Glacier National Park.  While you don’t see any actual glaciers (unless they were on the opposite side of the train while I was looking out my window), it was still beautiful.  I hope to get the chance to go back and spend more time there, rather than just passing through. 

Once we were through the park and on the eastern side of the Rocky Mountains, the views were a little less spectacular.  No hills, no trees, hardly any snow.  As we made our way through Montana and into North Dakota, it was almost as if I could see the country getting older the further we moved East.  I’m reading a book about a guy who took a covered wagon across the Oregon Trail with his brother about ten years ago, and it wasn’t hard to imagine the Northern plains country looking much different 160 years ago than it does today. 

The afternoon wore on slightly, and the kids started to get a little restless.  Jonah may have caught whatever Rachel was just starting to get over, as he spent a good portion of the afternoon sleeping.  Jocelyn kept asking what else there was to do, until she too succumbed to the boredom and took a nap.  Earlier in the afternoon, a conductor had come through the cars taking reservations for dinner in the dining car.  Reservations started at 5:00.  By the time she got to our car (we were in the second car from the rear), the earliest dinner slot available was 9:00.  Between her taking reservations and eating time, we passed from the Mountain time zone into the Central time zone, meaning we wouldn’t be eating until 10pm local time.  We opted for the lounge car, which served microwaveable cheeseburgers and personal pizzas.  The pizzas are nothing special, but they cost about the same as a large at Papa Murphy’s. 

Day 3

Sleeping on the train the second night was a little easier – I slept for close to six hours straight, only waking up once briefly to check the time.  The first night, I think I got maybe four hours, all in one-hour increments.  The train does seem to be making up time, as we are pulling into stations about two hours behind schedule – pretty good considering we were four hours late from the start.  The conductors kept harping on this, saying "if this isn't your stop, please stay in your seats."  On the last stop before ours, somebody actually didn't move fast enough and missed their opportunity to get off the train and had to ride forty minutes down the line to the Dells before they could get off.  The conductor made sure to tell everyone.  It's like the Hunger Games on Amtrak....they're looking to make an example of any malcontents.  Despite this, I only heard one person complain the entire trip - a lady who was upset at how far her sleeper car was from the dining car.  She was on her phone loudly complaining to someone: "You know how I frickin' can't walk more than 30 feet before I want to frickin' pass out?  Well my sleeper is five frickin' cars away from the food!" Probably was the most exercise she'd done in months.  By the time we pulled into Wisconsin Dells, we were only about an hour and fifteen minutes behind schedule.  Just a short day remaining as we just rolled past the University of Minnesota’s football stadium, where the Beavers play in about ten months or so.  Maybe a second train trip of the year? The kids were restless, asking almost from the time they woke up if we were there yet.  The kids got a little squirrelly, but when compared to some of the other kids on the train, they were pretty well behaved.  About two hours out, I was able to convince the kids to watch a movie (Space Jam - for the third time) and that brought us home.  Rachel's dad was there to greet us at the station and we promptly capped our trip with a celebratory trip to Culvers.  

Happy Holidays everyone!

2015 Lasselle Christmas Card/Letter

As is typical with most American households I would assume, my wife is typically the one who handles Christmas card responsibilites, and in most years, this isn't an issue.  She's got plenty of time to select a photo or photos, find a design that she likes, run to Costco, print address labels or (because she's awesome) hand write addresses with a Christmassy pen, buy stamps, affix those stamps, and get to the post office to deliver them.

I just wrote an entire paragraph about how much work goes into Christmas cards.  I had no idea.  This December has been sort of a whirlwind (more on that later) and there just wasn't time to handle the Christmas cards.  Plus, Rachel has a theory that the Christmas card industry is dying out due to oversharing on Facebook/Instagram/etc.  She's sort of taking an inventory of how many Christmas cards we get this year vs. how many we typically send out.  So, to those of you who sent us a Christmas card this year, thank you.  You're the reason I'm writing this.

So, 2015: best year ever for the Lasselles?  You could make that case.  We spent New Year's Eve at Disneyland - hard to top that opening!  Jonah really got into sports this year... REALLY INTO them. He played basketball and baseball, but his real true love is soccer.  He would set his alarm for before six am to watch games live in Europe, took a ball with him to school whenever he could, and wears a different soccer jersey pretty much every day.  Rachel coached his team (as well as Jocelyn's), and it's been great fun to have something our entire family can enjoy together.

  Jocelyn also found something she's passionate about: dancing.  She began taking ballet this year, and just recently performed in her first recital.  She likes the dance outfits, the shoes, the songs...she's hooked.  She is just as feisty as ever as she transitions from a toddler to a little kid.  She still has her moments where the toddler in her comes out, demanding that someone else go get her blanket because her legs won't work, blocking the television until you agree to play princesses with her, that sort of thing.  But she's taken a serious interest in learning to read, and is always offering to help cook meals, fold clothes, empty the dishwasher - you know, becoming a productive human.

As for Rachel and I, we're just trying to hold it together parenting these two.  I just "celebrated" ten years at the OSU Foundation this week.  You know you're getting old when you start talking about things that have lasted decades in your life.  Rachel also had an eventful year at work, which culminated last week with her being promoted to manager of her department!  She never ceases to amaze me with the constant internal motor she has.  She's one of the few people I've ever seen that tries to be all things to all people and actually succeeds at it.

So there you have it.  We had pretty fantastic 2015 - from Disneyland, to dance recitals, soccer practice, more soccer practice, tailgating at Beaver games, a trip to Wisconsin in the summer, more soccer practice, surprising Jonah for his birthday with a trip to see the Portland Timbers win an incredible playoff game in penalty kicks, our first official family camping trip to Elk Lake, bike riding, roller skating, 4th of July at the beach , and everything else in between.  Hope your year was as great as ours, and that next year we all are able to tell each other 2016 was the best year yet.

Happy Holidays,

photo credit: Ava Joyce Photography

~The Lasselles

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: For all the Wrong Reasons

I can't even get into a top five this week, because it was really all about one situation: Joe vs. Everyone not Named Sam.  We'll get into that in a second, but first, a few other observations:

• What happened to Ashley I? She was the unquestioned star of the first week, and I feel like we've seen nothing of her since....except for her weird way of peeing in the ocean.  Why not wade out to your waist and then pee?  Why squat in the surf?  So bizarre.  Anyways, we need more of her and her special brand of awkwardness.  Looks like we might get it in the coming weeks.
• Clare's Raccoon This used to be funny, now it's just overblown.  Wasn't the raccoon in Paradise last week?  Now he's at her house?  It's just too much.  Also, her freaking out that there's nobody to love her has got to stop.  I can promise you, there are hundreds of guys out there that would date Clare.  Take this guy for example:
  

  @Clare_Crawley I joined Twitter to remind you that you're a beautiful person. Your actions speak louder than TV editing. You deserve love.

  — Terrace Althouse (@TerraceAlthouse) August 12, 2015

  
  
  She's got options, so don't act like the fact that a bunch of drunk fame-whores not wanting to hook up with you is the end of the world.
• The return of Crazy Ashley S. I think this woman is quite possibly the smartest person ever to be on this show, and she's a HAIR STYLIST.  I think she understands people and their intentions incredibly well.  And I think she tried to play it straight for Dan.  But when Dan got bored with her, well.....now it's time for the circus to come to town.  And while I love grounded, intelligent Ashley, half-cocked, bird-talking, crazy-eyes, "MESA VERDE" Ashley is so much better for television.  The only problem is that nobody wants to sleep with that version, so her time on the show is probably numbered.
• Bachelor Math Every episode, some cast member gives us a break down of who's there and who has to leave, like it's a freaking third grade math problem. There are TEN girls here now, and only SEVEN guys. That means that THREE girls are going home this week.  We know how it works, we're not morons.  Yet every week, they explain it to us like it's this big surprise. "Three you say?!?  Holy crap, I had no idea!"

Ok, now back to the main event.  You might not agree with me on this, but....I think Joe is getting a bad rap.  He's a douche, but is he really that much more of a douche than JJ (with his moronic pickup lines and misogynistic comments like "she's not on my plane intellectually, but she's got a couple nice assets that make us a good couple?"  Is he worse than lyin'-ass Josh who's poppin Molly at the club then telling Tenley "nah, girl, that was a one time thing?"  I don't think so.  It was revealed during the show that the cast members submit a list of people they'd like to bang, and ABC happily obligies like the madam at a Las Vegas brothel.  Joe was there to meet Sam.  Sam wasn't there.  Joe needed to stick around to spend time with Sam.  When Joe showed up, Ashley S was with Dan, Jade was with Tanner, Clare had Mikey/Jared, Tenley was occupied with most of the other dudes there, Carley and Kirk were joined at the hip.....he didn't have a lot of options.  He basically dangled that date out there like a worm on a pole and waited for a fish to take a bite.  You know who bit?  Juelia.  The fish that needs love more than anyone not named Clare.  She asked to go on the date with him.  He needed a rose, she needed to feel special.  Did he take it too far?  Probably.  But remember, guys were already starting to run to Juelia saying that he was a bad dude.  He had to say that he was interested in her daughter and contemplating a move to Oregon (we don't want you, Joe) and make out with her to make sure she didn't doubt him enough to give her rose to a "nice" guy like Mikey T. or Jonathan.  And it worked.  

Then, we had to go through literally four hours this week of people trying to get him to admit to being a bad guy.  First the guys have a shot.  Joe tries to downplay his relationship with Sam prior to the show.  The guys know he's lying.  They tell the girls.  The girls try talking to Sam.  Sam shuts them down.  Now all of a sudden, Sam is somehow responsible for Joe's bad behavior.  This is a girl move that I never understand.  Your friend gets cheated on, and it's somehow the other woman's fault?  I just don't get it.  Apparently Sam and Juelia were friends prior to coming on the show, but when Sam asked Joe to go on the date, Juelia didn't go over to her and say "hey look, we've got a good thing going, could you maybe pick someone else?"  She just let her go.  This is followed by the comically idiotic scene of Joe and Sam, who have MICROPHONE PACKS STRAPPED TO THEIR BODIES, trying to have a "secret" conversation behind a bunk bed.  Essentially the only parts of their bodies hidden from the camere were their faces and their knees, yet they think they're hidden?  This is the toddler philosophy of hide n' seek - if you can't see my face, I'M INVISIBLE.  Also, you could literally BE invisible, and we'd still hear everything you say thanks to the aforementioned microphones.  It was pathetic to watch.  

But the real absurdity of the whole situation is that people keep bringing this up to Joe OVER and OVER and OVER, but I don't know what their end game is.  To catch him in a lie?  We already know that he lied.  He's admitted to using Juelia to stay around to get time with Sam.  To get him to apologize to Juelia?  What will that solve?  Juelia isn't going to forgive him, and she's not going to get that time back.  Multiple guys have said "Juelia spent that time with Joe that she could've used to cultivate a relationship with someone who actually liked her back."  WHO IS THIS MYTHICAL PERSON?  They've all had a chance to establish that connection.  Mikey tried, and got shut down.  Jonathan made an attempt, but that went nowhere too.  Juelia is the Mikey T. of the girls:  everyone of the opposite sex loves her as a person, but nobody wants to date her.  The only difference is that Juelia isn't throwing herself at every guy she talks to.  It really seems as if everyone wants Joe to break up with Sam, admit he treated Juelia badly, and then GET BACK TOGETHER WITH JUELIA.  This is insane.  Nobody wants that, yet that's what they all seem to be implying.  

Now, if you want to knock Joe for calling Juelia stupid, for yapping about people being 35 and "running around on a TV show" as if he won't be doing the same damn thing if offered a spot in five years (he's 28), or for just being a caveman with hair products, go for it.  But this bashing of him for maneuvering to get a date with the girl he actually wants to date has to stop.  He made the case that Jared went on a date with Ashley, made her feel special, then went after Clare.  You could say that Dan is doing sort of the same thing to Ashley, only he at least told her he didn't see a future with her.  Point is, he's still sucking face with Amber hours after ending it with Ashley.  It's all crap.  They all want to be on the show as long as possible, to get atrocious sunburns and free booze and have a better chance of not having to get a real job when the show ends.  So let's just move on to something else, shall we?  I'm done with this.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 2: Put the Molly in the Coconut......

So this week continued on the themes of last week:  Lauren I. continues to hate being there, Mikey continues to not have any sort of a clue about how people perceive him, and everyone continues to apparently disregard every warning they ever heard about using sunblock.  Onto this week's power rankings:

Women in their 30's: I'm not sure when the switch actually happened, but the women attracting the most men are the elder stateswomen of the group.  Clare has multiple guys angling for her (or had, until her rambly speech about how her friends never ask her how she's doing or what she wants), Tenley barely makes it back to the cabana before a new dude scurries her off to some other part of Mexico attached to her lips, and Juelia....well Juelia has a lot of guys using her to get a rose.  It's like a four hour weekly infomercial for cougarlife.com:

Joe:  Definitely not the most popular guy around, but boy did he ease right on in to that villain role.  He finds the desperate widow who doesn't really have an attachment to anyone and makes her feel special to earn him a rose to apparently hang around to meet a girl named Samantha that nobody really remembers except for him.  Of course he says all the right things to her while telling production assistants that she's "not very smart" and sucks at kissing and all sorts of other unflattering things.  Joe's a jerk, but as pointed out on After Paradise, he has to do something to get a rose from a girl in order to even have a chance to connect with Samantha, who isn't even there yet.

Josh:  Who saw the drug thing coming?  The backwater yokel from smalltown Idaho gets a little taste of the nightlife and starts changing the words of Harry Nilsson's classic song:

Put the LIME in the coconut, idiot!

I'll bet that bar he referenced in LA that's passing out drug filled coconuts is pissed.  Juelia should take him out on a date, because you know he'll take her extra "e." (drug pun, and also a good reminder that Juelia spells her name wrong.) Of course, when Tenley questions him about it, he shrugs it off like it was no big deal.  If I remember correctly, he got booted from Kaitlyn's season after saying something to the guys and then flat out denying it to Kaitlyn in front of them, or something along those lines.  So it isn't this guy's first rodeo with "misremembering" what happened.  Of course Tenley gives him the rose, apparently oblivious to red flags.

Ashley S:  Count me among the people who think the whack job thing is basically her Verbal Kint persona that hides the Keyser Soze underneath.   Once she got on the Bachelor with Chris Soules, she realized he was a doof and had to get out of there....but how to do it while still ensuring she would get the level of fame that would allow her to continue to capitalize on her appearance?  Act like a psychopath.  As a result, she goes Mesa Verde on people and talks to animals, parlays the nutjob act into a spot on Bachelor in Paradise, where she meets Dan, a guy with an acutal personality, talks to a few parakeets for effect, and poof....she's happy and can collect appearance fees for the next couple years.  She seems like an actually intelligent person, and one of the first people to see through Joe.

Jonathan:  This guy.  He goes from playing the token minority guy on Kaitlyn's season, to Mr. "I've had threesomes with sisters and, oh yeah, did I mention I've bagged my fair share of virgins?" in the first week, to Joe's patsy in the second week.  Did Joe have his kid tied up in a Brooklyn basement? (Notorious BIG "Hypnotize" reference)  I just didn't get it.  He's crying and apologizing to Joe for what?  For telling Juelia what he observed?  It was all so weird.  Also weird was his spot on After Paradise, where Mean Jenny from Twitter says that Joe did him a favor by making him likeable again after the "virgin" comments.  No.  This is not true.  He's not likeable, he's an idiot.  This guy can't think for himself.  I'm worried about his child.  

After Paradise:  Tenley was the star of this week's episode, but I really felt bad for her as they continued to bring up the fact that her ex dumped her and put a baby in a new girl a few months later.  "Didn't your ex have a baby the same day this show debuted?  How do you feel about that?"  Why do they ask these questions?  Then, when she says that she has no animosity towards them, and that the new girl is actually quite nice, Mean Jenny from Twitter screams "so what, you're gonna babysit for them?"  No, idiot.  Mean Jenny annoys the crap out of me.  Also, Tenley seems like the kind of girl that guys on reality shows like the idea of:  cute, nice, energetic, normal.  If the guys are Brad Pitt (they're not, but just go with me), she's Jennifer Anniston.  You know how that ended up:  she got Jolie'd right out of that relationship.  Juelia is an Anniston too.  I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to both of them here in the coming weeks.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week One - We need to talk about After Paradise

So we're off and running on Bachelor in Paradise.  It's pretty fantastic....in fact, it almost always seems to rejuvenate my love-hate relationship with this franchise after slogging through the regular shows, which always seem about three episodes too long.  It always seems like the more serious the relationships become on the Bachelor/ette, the less interesting they get.  However, there's no marriage /commitment pressure in Paradise, so people are more willing to be flippant with their affection, and it makes for some great "eh...he'll do" hookups.  Likewise, with a more equal distribution of the sexes, there's more opportunities for sparks to fly.  Nothing's better than the "I really hit it off with this dude, he's AMAZING, and I think he feels the same about me!" followed by some new floozy coming in with a date card and taking Mr. Perfect out to a sexy salsa dancing class.  The heat, humidity, hormones and hooch (the 4 H's of good summer TV) all combine for some truly epic meltdowns.

I'm not going to go into a long breakdown of the episodes, but let's do a power rankings of the competitors:

Ashley I: Unquestioned star of the show.  Refers to anyone over 30 as an "old lady," actually said the sentence "I could give a crap about Cinderella, Jasmine is MY princess!", and when feeling her relationship with Jared was threatened says she needs to "get drunk and claim my steak."  Methinks she might've already been drunk.

Claim it!

Mikey T: Call him a meathead, call him a beefheart, call him Jersey Shore, whatever you call him, he's hilarious.  He referred to himself as the Alpha Male, despite the fact that he takes almost no steps to establish dominance over anyone, in fact at one point giving Tenley advice on how to get another man to notice her.  Once he set his sights on Lauren, his first thought is to take his shirt off.  However, he can't just simply take his shirt off - he has to ANNOUNCE that he's taking his shirt off to make sure everyone gets a good look.  Furthermore, I don't know that there's any time a man should be shirtless while wearing slacks/khakis regardless of his physique.  Jeans are a bit of a gray area for me, I'll need some sort of ruling from someone who is physically attracted to men.  But really he takes the second spot for his performance on the date with Clare, when he said his favorite position was  the "Downward Clare" and then lets everyone at home know that he really wants to have sex with her in that position.  Such a classy individual.  Even better, after Clare lets him know that she's there to "explore every opportunity" and hasn't had a chance to talk to some of the guys yet, Mikey responds with "I really want to kiss you right now."  I don't think he heard a single word she said.  It's like his brain only processes visual stimulation.  I love this guy.

Kirk/Carley: Goddamnit, I actually like these two.  They act like normal people.  Teasing each other about their quirks, awkwardly trying to figure out the right time to kiss, and making fun of the other people there.  I hope they make it.

Jared:  Ashley I., Tenley, Clare......really?  How is this guy the "it" guy this season?  He's not particularly funny, he kind of looks like a rodent (not his fault, but still) and he stubbornly wears facial hair despite the fact that it looks awful on him.  I just don't get it.  He is nice, which is an honest to goodness quality that is desirable in the real world, but typically not catnip for desperate women on a reality show.  

Lauren I: pains me to include her here, but nobody else really did anything memorable (Ashley "MESA VERDE" S.  got sent to the  ER and even that was pretty boring!) and she was at least interesting, from her opening "I'm the opposite of a virgin" statement, to her confusing "I hate being here attitude" despite there being no real reason for her to have come in the first place, to the almost constant pleasure she derives from tearing apart what little self esteem her older sister has.  

Most Unexpected Moment: Jonathan letting us know he's had a threesome with two sisters, and that it didn't feel nearly as "dirty" as he thought it would, and then letting us know that he's been intimate with a couple of virigins too, and that while they "might require a little more work" they're also fun.   Where the hell did that come from?  Like nothing that happened on Kaitlyn's season led you to believe that this guy was the type of guy to casually brag about his sexual conquests, especially since he got absolutely nowhere with Kaitlyn and has yet to even talk to a girl on the show that I've seen.  I'm tempted to call shenanigans in on his Penthouse confessions.

After Paradise:  THIS WAS AMAZING.  I've never really been into these "after the show" things before...in fact I go out of my way to avoid shows like Talking Dead, but I may have to re-evaluate my stance after watching this.  It was incredible.  The unquestioned star of the show was the lady whose name I  didn't get, but she's essentially a female me who just talks crap about the show and its contestant and someone decided it'd be a good idea to let her say these things to people's faces.  I figured she might be a little tentative and hesitant in her first national TV appearance, but homegirl took her earrings off and got FIERCE.  She made really off color sexual innuendos (the chicken or the egg comment was incredible), she said Jillian had a hairy ass or a penis (or both!), and just basically said the most "OMG" statement she could think off as fast as possible before Harrison could cut her off.  She's definitely that friend that you have that everyone invites to parties, has a ton of followers on Twitter, is super fun to be around, but inevitably gets way too wasted and has to be helped out of the bar and ends up sleeping alone on her own couch every night.  I picture some guy asking her friends about her, and the girlfriends saying "she's amazing!  So funny, smart, sexy....I LOVE HER!" and then when the guy asks to be set up with her, the girlfriends all look at each other and say "yeah......well.......I'm just not sure she's your type......" because she's such a disaster in one on one situations.  It's fascinating television.  

Bachelorette Finale - Almost Paradise!

This finale was sort of a stinker, but there were a few significant moments.  Let's recap, shall we?

We start off with Nick worrying about Kaitlyn "having a connection" with Shawn.  Is he seriously thinking there's a chance she doesn't? It's like he almost can't even comprehend that she might not accept his proposal.  Nick's a bit of a conundrum to me, at times arrogant and brash, at times so sensitive you think he might cry if a kid drops their ice cream cone, at times just outright dastardly.

Kaitlyn's family is pretty mundane, with the exception of her sister, who, upon hearing that a guy from a previous season "showed up halfway through the season" reacts with the most over the top "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat???" this side of Chris Griffin:

She goes on to try to steal every scene she was in, joining the ranks of such greats as Desiree's brother and Ashley Hebert's sister (who even got on the After the Final Rose show that season!)  Oh to be a sibling of a Bachelor/ette contestant!  Nick starts crying when talking to Kaitlyn's mom, which I'm not sure if it's sweet or just creepy.  Going from my only experience of asking someone if I could marry their daughter, there was no weeping.  Mostly it was extreme panic and fear, and I was 90% sure they'd be cool with it.  Crying was never an option.

Also, is it a Canadian thing to be so open with your family about who you banged and in what city?  Why does every conversation seem to still revolve around them having sex in Dublin?   Which, by the way, always reminds me of the scene in Hall Pass where they go to the bar.  Even more astounding, is that Kaitlyn's mom brings this up when talking to SHAWN.  "So I know you love my daughter and all, but how do you really feel about her having sex with Nick?"  Why would a mother ever ask this?  I just don't get it.

The dates are pretty standard "final countdown dates" and the only significant thing is the gifts that the guys give Kaitlyn.  Nick offers up a framed poem that is filled with really bad similies like "your lips are like electricity, when I kiss them I can feel your energy."  I get that with these sort of things it's the though that counts, but c'mon man, you should've thought about giving her something else that didn't require you writing that crap.  Also, he mispelled energy.  There are some things (like social media posts, and for sure this blog) where spell checking and proofreading aren't vital.  There are other things, like job resumes, investigative journalism pieces, and LOVE LETTERS, that you better know every pen stroke or character typed is accurate.  C'mon son.

That's not to say that Shawn came up with a better gift.  He basically just emptied his pockets after every date into a jar and then gave it to her.  "Oh look, I still have a tee from golf in my pocket!  Into the junk jar you go!"  Again, I guess when the alternative is throwing all that stuff away, it does require at least a modicum of reflection on your journey together, but wow.  Kaitlyn, of course loves it.  "We have so many memories together it's like....we've got more memories than people who have been together a whole year!"  This is of course a blatantly false statement.  You just have better souveniers.  Not everyone gets to go on helicopter rides and trips to Ireland and meet Amy Schumer in the first 12 months of a relationship, toots.

Also, before I forget, Kaitlyn has gotten more and more plastic looking as the season has gone on. I swear her lips have gotten poutier and her skin has gotten more orange with every episode.  I keep forgetting to mention this.

Anyways, Nick shows up, gets dumped, and then gets all angry with her for not loving him.  Kaitlyn says that she "needed all that time" with Nick to......and then she trails off, so I'll finish for her.  "to realize I liked someone else better?"  She did not think that through.  She should've just ended it with "in the end, my love for Shawn was stronger, and I'm sorry to put you through all this."  Of course then we wouldn't have got his little hissy fit "it was bigger than just a moment to me" rant.

Shawn wins, as we all find out that Kaitlyn really did mean that Shawn was "the one" when she snuck into his room, and all that back tracking and pretending to care for Ben "the human cardboard cutout" H. was episode filler.  After the Final Rose reveals nothing much other than Nick dragged his family to his reality tv funeral and Shawn really does hate Nick, but it's more of a "a lion does not concern himself with the thoughts of sheep" kind of hate than it is a burning, intense "I must destroy him" kind of hate.  Also, they like coffee and donuts.  That's it.

Ok bring on the real emotional people of Bachelor in Paradise.  That's where all the fun is anyways.

Bachelorette: The Men Tell All: Mean Tweets Edition

So pretty much this episode was a bunch of guys butt hurt that Kaitlyn told them she saw her husband in the room on the first night, then brought another guy in who is still around.  You know what, if you lined up twenty-five beautiful women in front of me, gave me a few shots of Patron, and asked me if I thought I could marry one of the girls, I'd probably say "just one???? LET'S DO THIS!"  So no, Kaitlyn did not deceive these guys.  She did not lead them on.  She said what she felt at the time.

Let's see, what else happened?  JJ and Clint explained that their bromance was just because they were so deep, JJ made about eight hundred consecutive sexual innuendos when referring to JJ, Ian propologized (proposed/apologized) to everyone, which would have actually been a nice apology had he not been so goddamned weird about it.  Also, I can't get over the fact that the guys totally know that the show is an act (as you see Jared laughing his ass off at his "Love-Man" promo teaser from the first episode), yet the audience can't seem to grasp this, unless they're in on it too.

Which brings me to the meat of this episode:  The tweets Kaitlyn received.  First off, ABC has generated a lot of publicity off of reading people's uneducated, mean tweets about celebrities on TV.  And up until now, it's been a big joke.  So why is it when people say it about the Bachelorette, it's all of a sudden "whoa America, you need to dial it down?"  Here's my thoughts on the subject:

• Why didn't ABC publish the Twitter handles of the tweeters?  Let's say mean things about them...or was it a "let's not give them the fame they're looking for?"
• Do people now write completely abusive things to celebrities hoping to get on ABC?
• When did body parts become "whore" parts?  You never hear anyone say "you shut your princess mouth" or "look at her run on those secretary legs?"  But Kaitlyn has a whore mouth, whore legs...does this mean she has a whore stomach?  Whore toes?  So weird.
• Let's not act like Kaitlyn is the first person on this show subjected to internet ridicule.  Some of the things people said about Juan Pablo were not only mean, they were racist I'm sure.  I mean, I've been writing this blog for YEARS
• When you say "I've had death threats, y'all" nobody takes you seriously.  In fact, ever using the word "y'all" at the end of a sentence immediately invalidates your whole point.
• The more makeup and self-tanner Kaitlyn wears, the worse she looks.  Her lips have tripled in size since the beginning of the season.  Be yourself girly!

Can't wait for her to pick Shawn, making Nick the first two time runner up, and then it's on to see how many girls Jared "gets over Kaitlyn" with on Bachelor in Paradise!

Bachelorette Episode 9 - Crisis in Killarney

It's a rare thing this season indeed when I get to watch the Bachelorette on the night it airs, so hopefully I'm rewarded with an episode worthy of a semi-live blog.

We start with Kaitlyn walking around a lake (loch?) and telling us how stressful it was letting Chris go and also dealing with the consequences of her decision to let Nick explore her Cave of Wonders (Aladdin reference).  The first date card comes as three of the guys (Ben H., Shawn, and Nick) hilariously sharing a loveseat and looking super uncomfortable.  Ben H. gets the solo date, leaving Nick and Shawn on the loveseat.  Shawn moves over, but strangely puts his arm across the back of the loveseat behind Nick, like he's about to go in for "the movie-move."

The date begins with a romantic rowboat ride to an island in Ireland.  You can almost feel the romance in the air as Ben H. says "I just love to walk around these things and think of...the Vikings." The Vikings?  Not leprechauns?  Vikings?  Kaitlyn clearly isn't on a romantic vibe either as she replies "that's bad ass."  In keeping with the anti-romance vibe of this date, they play a game of hide and seek, where Kaitlyn decides the best place to hide is in a corner like it's the Blair Witch Project or something:

Can you see me?

When they get down to the brass tacks of relationships, Kaitlyn admits that she's hard to deal with sometimes, and she wants someone who won't give up on her.  When Ben says "I didn't realize that was even an option!"  I half expected Kaitlyn to say "good, because I f*cked Nick last week, but I swear it didn't mean anything."  Instead, they kiss as Kaitlyn tells us that when they're talking and kissing "it feels good."  I'm guessing it'd feel pretty good to kiss Hope Solo, but that doesn't mean that  I should consider a relationship based on that.

Ben then says that his biggest fear is that he might not be loved back or be lovable.  Of course that's your biggest fear.  If in a relationship your biggest fear isn't that the person you love doesn't feel the same way about you, then there's something wrong.  What else would your biggest fear be?  That she's an axe murderer? That her parents will be Scientologists?  Kaitlyn lets him know that he's definitely lovable (like a teddy bear.) He says "I can't wait to talk all night," and Kaitlyn immediately feels like "yo this guy might be a virgin."  She's all bent out of shape because she had sex with Nick because he was all over her on their date, and this guy says the opposite, and she's all of a sudden "wait this dude only wants to TALK?  He must be a virgin!"  

Ben says he's not, but he's glad he comes off that way.  Does that not sound like something a serial rapist would say?  Kaitlyn is super relieved that he's not a virgin, then asks him to tell her about the time he lost his virginity.  This girl straight up sucks at romance.  In fact, she sucks at relationships.  She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, but she is awful at this.  In no way is she ready for marriage.  Whomever proposes to her, I hope they're ready to be sitting on opposites sides of the couch at After the Final Rose.

Group date time with Shawn, Nick, and Joe.  The "lucky" guy who gets a rose on this date gets the golden ticket to the fantasy suites.  Shawn gets the first solo time on the date, and they lament the fact that they didn't kiss last week.  So, when you spend your time talking instead of kissing, things didn't go so well?  Well rather than figure out why that is, let's just kiss some more!  Kaitlyn knows that she needs to talk to him about having sex with Nick, but it's just so much more fun to kiss...so she avoids it until Nick saves her by stealing her away.

Kaitlyn then decides to talk to Nick, asking him how he feels about having sex with her.  This might be the biggest softball question of all time.  She clearly wants to only have good conversations with people.  She laughs, relieved that he enjoyed humping her, and then proceeds to say that she feels somewhat guilty, although she's "a grown woman who can do what she wants."  Ok, Cartman:

Shawn tries to pressure Joe into breaking up their alone time, but Joe's a sissy and realizes that she likes Nick and Shawn way more than she likes him, and decides he'd rather just sit on a bench outside an Irish castle than hang out with Kaitlyn and tells Shawn "nah, I'm good."  Kaitlyn then decides not to let him sit this out, and forces him off his bench.  Not wanting to waste alone time with a sure thing, Joe makes out with her practically while she's mid-sentence.  Nice plan, Joe.  Get your parting gift on your way out.

Kaitlyn then compliments him on being "brutally honest" with her, and she says that she owes it to him to be "brutally honest" with him.  Somehow, him being brutally honest involves him telling her how great she is, but her brutal honesty involves her telling him she doesn't like him as much as he likes her.  He says "it's cool" but won't look at her.  She says "well just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I didn't think you were kinda hot when we were making out last week" or something along those lines.  She tries to hug him, but he's like "thanks for dumping me on a bench, I like sitting on benches."  

Kaitlyn returns to the guys, tells them she dumped Joe and that it was really hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it might be then push she needed to finally start actually talking to people rather than just making out and pretending that her own personal booze cruise is going to last forever.  She tells Nick that they're cool, but he needs to go home, because she's got some things she needs to discuss with Shawn.  Shawn's super excited, but only because he doesn't realize that one of those "things" he needs to talk about with her is Nick's penis.

They spend some time laughing on a couch, rubbing each others legs while drinking oversized glasses of alcohol.  Their conversation goes something like this (my interpretation of what Kaitlyn says will be in bold.)

Shawn:  Are you nervous?

Kaitlyn:  Laughs hysterically (YUP)

Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn:  Well, I just want to be honest with you, because I know how important trust is to you (Just remember you brought this on yourself, Shawn, what with all your 'be honest with me' mumbo jumbo)

Shawn:  Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn: I haven't told anyone else this, but I felt like I needed to tell you (You're so gonna hate this, but your reaction will be super awesome for the cameras)

Shawn: Uhhhhh....(it's slowly dawning on him that this isn't going to be a happy conversation)

Kaitlyn:  On my date with Nick, he came back to my hotel room (you don't need to know it's because I invited him) and things went a little too far (hoping you think that he forced himself on me) and we had sex (cue Lonely Island and Akon)

Shawn: (pauses for an uncomfortably long time) Do you regret it?

Kaitlyn:  I felt guilt and I didn't expect that to happen (Nope), but when I woke up in the morning, I thought about what it would do to our relationship (I was hoping you'd want to even up the score so to speak)

Shawn: Why are you telling me this?

Kaitlyn: I felt like it was the right thing to do. (ABC made me)

Shawn then excuses himself from the table.  He's hiding in the bathroom, but we are treated to his voice telling us that he's "so tense right now he can't even piss."  Well that's classy.  Shawn comes back and seems a bit more relaxed (maybe he figured out how to pee again?"  Then he incredibly thanked her for telling him, and says "you know how I feel about that guy, but I'm gonna fight through this."  Kaitlyn then asks him if he thinks that this going to be worth it at the end.  I can't be certain, but I think she basically just told him that any guy that wants to be with her has to be ok with her having sex with other guys while not having sex with him.  Shawn, because he's an idiot, agrees.  Glad we're all on the same page.  Hang in there Shawn....you're the prince of this fairy tale, but first the princess is gonna have sex with all the other frogs to make sure they're really just frogs. 

Shawn comes back and says "It went great" and Nick is not cool with Shawn going to bed feeling confident, so he throws out there that "he feels great" about his time, while subtly reminding Shawn that she had a perfect opportunity to offer him a rose, but didn't give it to him.

Heading into the rose ceremony, Shawn is contemplating heading home because the more he thinks about it, the more he's not OK with her having sex with Nick.  He needs to talk to Kaitlyn about these things before the ceremony.  That's usually Chris Harrison's cue to tell the guys that the Bachelorette is forgoing cocktail party time to dole out roses, and tonight is no exception.  Kaitlyn then tells the guys that it's "shocking" to her to be there with only four "beautiful faces" looking back at her - another indication that she's wishing she still had twenty guys to wine and dine her and make out with.  Instead, she's cutting one guy loose so she can hump the other three.  Nick should be worried, because he's already been down that road, and Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl that's not going to climb the same mountain twice, when there's three other mountains there that she hasn't dug her crampons into.  

Shawn gets offered the first rose, but he's like "yo we need to talk."  He basically says "you told me I was the one, I told you I hated Nick, you spent "off-camera time" with Nick, and I'm just wondering why you think that's a good idea."  Kaitlyn starts off a little rough saying "I'm here to explore other relationships" but then gets down to business saying "I shouldn't have told you that you were the one, because even if I felt it at the time, I still wanted to make sure.  But rest assured, that when this process is over, there will be no more exploring."  She then accuses Shawn of not trusting her, which makes sense because she basically did the one thing that could hurt him the most on this show and then told him AND ONLY HIM about it.  Nonetheless, when she offers him the rose again, he says "absolutely" as if there was no chance he was going to say no.  Maybe this was a power play to make Nick sweat a little bit.  

Ben the virgin serial rapist gets a rose, leaving it down to rat-faced Jared and Nick.  Jared gets sent home, which of course is a bummer because he seems like the best guy out of the remaining four, and maybe he was the best out of all the guys this season.  Because he's an idiot, he offers her his coat and then tells her it's OK that she just sent him home for a guy who apparently exudes no sex appeal whatsoever, a smarmy guy with bad sweaters who relishes making other people uncomfortable, and another guy who has turned this into a personal battle to beat the smarmy bad sweater dude (whose name he won't even say anymore) rather than having it be about love.

Kaitlyn is now sobbing because Jared is gone.  She then basically admits that she sent him home because he wasn't outwardly telling her how awesome she was enough.  

Nick gets the first fantasy date which are apparently called "overnights" when they're not in a tropical location.  They wander into a church, and Nick tells her about how he "grew up in the church" and how his parents met at church and then he tells some story that sounds made up about how a four year old walked up to his dad and said  "you're going to marry that girl."  I don't believe that for a second, because I've been around four year olds, and they all think that people marry their sisters or cousins.  Anyways, they spend the day in an Irish pub talking to a couple of old Irish guys about what the secret of marriage is.  I repeat, they asked a couple of guys in their sixties who spend their afternoons in the bar without their wives what the secret of marriage was. 

Shawn continues to blame Nick for stealing Kaitlyn away like she's got not choice or free-will in the matter.  You can almost see his biceps getting bigger just thinking about it.  Nick then says that he "wants to connect with Kaitlyn on every possible level there is to connect with another person" which is one of those things that people say that sound really sweet, but when you actually think about it make absolutely no sense.  

Nick then goes insane.  Rather than playing it cool and keeping the focus on her, he instead figures that now would be the perfect time to try to bury Shawn.  Such a stupid move.  He could've just laid back, kept talking about connecting on a subatomic level and making her the center of his universe, and yet he decides to talk about Shawn and make some reference to him bragging about having sex with a girl who went on to have sex with a country singer later that night.  Kaitlyn then seems to be a little chafed at the direction of this conversation and kind of bites back at Nick, asking him why everyone says he's bad news, but he's the only one saying anything about Shawn.  Nick is now backpedalling, talking about how "it's weird that the guys all love Shawn and seem to be ok with him winning."  Who are all these guys?  There's only one other guy left, and he's super sweet and sensitive and his a questionable virgin.

Kaitlyn then shrugs all this off like.....well like this:

"So that was a really terrible conversation that totally killed the vibe, but I'm still DTF if you are, ya?"

After a semi funny prank where Kaitlyn pretends they're having their fantasy night in a jail cell, but then they head off to the real hotel and spend their night apparently talking and eating ham.   Are they just pretending they didn't have sex, or does it not really matter at this point?

I'll tell you who it does matter to - SHAWN.  He's about to go Incredible Hulk on Nick.  Of course he calls the hotel and is able to just ask for Nick's room number and of course they give it to him.  I'll give Shawn this - at least he didn't try to come up with a lame gambit to get the room number like Nick did with Andi on his last run on the Bachelorette.  

Shawn gets the room number and goes over to tell Nick he hates him to his face.  Nick says "that's cool, I hate you too." They then proceed to basically talk over each other and I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever. 

Then we get to see Britt and Brady holding hands and talking about how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, and I have to cut and paste the end of the last paragraph, because I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.