Back already? This season's really racing towards the finish line. We're off to St. Lucia. Juan Pablo says "oh St. Lucia, you are so pretty." Um....Juan Pablo, you know you aren't dating the island right? You're not impressing it with your sultry accent and pouty smile.
Claire is up first, and she tells us that she couldn't have imagined a year ago that she would be in St. Lucia with the man of her dreams falling in love. She can't think of a more romantic place to get engaged. I think we've already hit our cliche quota for the whole episode. Claire's super excited about the day, but she says she's on the fence about spending the night in the fantasy suite. To that I say bullish*t. She goes on to explain that she's still thinking about how the late night romp in the ocean in Vietnam, and that she's not sure that they'll set the best example for Camilla. I get that, but this seems like one of those instances where she'll put up just a modicum of resistance before letting Juan Pablo reassure her that there won't be any cameras and Camilla won't be able to see them do things that would make Tiger Woods blush. She goes on to say that tonight just may be the perfect time to tell him she loves him...you know, right before she turns down an offer to spend the night. Riiiiiiiight.
Juan Pablo says that "tonight is a good night to figure out how I feel about Claire, and it's a chance to get to know each other better - a LOT better." Claire, on the other hand wants to talk about Camilla. "He wants to find a suitable stepmom for his daughter, and I want to let him know that it's important to me." Nope, Juan Pablo wants to talk about how preeeeeety your dress is, and how much preeeeetier it will be on the floor at the foot of the bed. The card comes out, and Juan Pablo defers to Claire, who dredges up the Vietnam conversation again. I'm sure she's saying something worthwhile, but I'm too distracted by her dangly earrings, which are swinging back and forth like a grandfather clock hopped up on cocaine. I feel like those earrings are going to have her earlobes touching her shoulders by the end of the night - they look like they weigh a ton. Predictably, Claire expresses her hesitations, and then immediately accepts the offer to spend the night. Also predictably, Juan Pablo makes a comment about her preeeeety dress. Juan Pablo really, really, REALLY wants to hear Claire tell her he loves her. He's been hounding all the girls for a week or two to give up the goods. Claire obliges, giving her best duck face as she says "I'm loving falling in love with you." That leads to some making out, and Claire saying that Juan Pablo "melted her." I know someone else who melted..... I don't think it's necessarily a good thing. More hot tub making out...and we're left to wonder what happened in the fantasy suite. (They totally did it.)
Time for Andi's fantasy date. She's taken to a local seafood fiesta, where they play the drums with some local musicians. Juan Pablo says that "if I want someone to just go with the flow, Andi's the girl." Because so many times Juan Pablo's had a girl turn down his idea for a date because she didn't feel up to it. After drum time, Juan Pablo starts feeding some local children in one of the weirdest scenarios I've ever seen. A few weeks ago we were stuck at the San Francisco Airport for half a day, and there was this dad there that was just out there high fiving random kids and having conversations with them like they were old friends, and it was super uncomfortable. I love kids, but there's got to be a feeling out period. You don't just go buy a kid a lemonade because you're sitting at the same table as them. Maybe that's just me.
After some pick-up soccer, Juan Pablo squires his lady away in a dune buggy to a waterfall. They recap their time with Andi's family, where Juan Pablo recaps his conversation with her dad in one of the worst American accents ever. It sounded nothing like her dad....pretty comical. Then they strip off their clothes and frolic around under the waterfall. Well, Juan Pablo keeps kissing Andi's neck. She just kinda sits there and lets him nibble. Later on at dinner, Juan Pablo tells Andi that he's been thinking about her saying "I want badly to fall in love" and how he doesn't want this to feel forced. Basically he's looking for her to say that she loves him. She just says that she does want to love him, but she's not going to force it for his daughter's sake. He's satisfied, she seems happy, but then she needles him about what else he is concerned about. Here we go. She keeps asking him what he thinks about and he says he thinks about a lot of things....among them if she's going to be a good mother. His answer - "I don't know." Yikes, not a good sign for Andi. He didn't exactly give her a ringing endorsement there. Fantasy Suite Card comes out, and Andi says "if this is a relationship you're serious about" and Juan Pablo says "absolutely, we can answer a lot of your questions." The mood going into her fantasy suite is much different than it was with Claire. This seems less.....fun. It seems more like a closed door business negotiation than "OHMIGOD THE CAMERAS ARE FINALLY GONE LET"S DO THIS." Nonetheless, Andi is on "Cloud 9. But not for long......
Juan Pablo wakes up, and is pretty happy about how the night went. They talked for hours and hours and laughed....everything is great! But...where is Andi? Oh she's on a spirit walk. She couldn't wait to get out of there. The night was a disaster, and she really hopes he didn't think that was a good date. Well I think we can rule out a made for TV wedding between these two. Andi JUST NOW started to realize that Juan Pablo always changed the subject when she brought up feelings or serious questions. Andi's not dumb....she's been looking for a way out for a long time, but needed to wait until the cameras were off. She's been totally fine with everything we've seen from Juan Pablo all season. She needed some time away from the camera so nobody could refute her version of what happened. She's a lawyer, she didn't want a smoking gun where we could see her laughing and snuggling all night while Juan Pablo talked about himself. She just found her get out of jail free card.
I'm sure we'll get back to this later, but it's time for Nikki's da....OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING? She looks like she's getting ready to star in a Native American themed Pornographic Film. Pocohontas.....more like Poke-a-Hot-Ass, Amirite? Juan Pablo says she smiled when she saw her family, and she smiled when she got here today, so he knows she's excited. Thank you, Captain Obvious. They kiss as Nikki tries to reassure herself that Juan Pablo's kisses are his way of saying he loves her. They then run out into the ocean - well Juan Pablo runs into the ocean. Nikki sort of wades out into a wave before getting shoved back to shore like a piece of drift wood. THE WAVE IS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP, NIKKI! Hesitation will take you back to the beginning. You need to dive into it fearlessly if you want to reach the calm, peaceful waters. Anyone who's watched this show knows that! Her fantasy suite deliberation lacks any hesitation however. While Claire and Andi expressed reservations before accepting, Nikki was practically grabbing the key and heading for the room before the whole card has been read. Despite her eagerness, she needs to sit pensively on the couch and bite her lip for a while before finally outright saying "I love you." That's a win for Nikki right there. Claire kind of hedged by saying "I'm loving falling in love with you" and Andi...well apparently Andi hates his guts, so I'll say Nikki's the front runner here.
Time for some deliberation with Chris Harrison. Juan Pabs is conflicted. Juan Pablo says he "feels good." Chris says "what does that mean?" Juan Pablo replies, "it means I feel good about the girls." Glad we got that cleared up. Further muddling things, Juan Pablo says he "has no idea" what he's going to do. Probably not a good sign that he doesn't have a front runner at this point. He can see himself with any one of the three. "Ay yay yay" he says for the hundredth time this episode, so you know how serious he is about this. Time for the girls to leave him a personal message. Nikki's is pretty standard, she's glad she got to tell him she loves him, she's honored that she got to meet his family, and she's excited about where this is going. Claire goes into her whole "this is a fairy tale" thing. Andi is smiling as she goes into her video....clearly she's enjoying this. This is her end game. This is her moment where she takes control of the situation and leaves on her terms and lets the whole country know that she won't be "one of many" to any man. I only wonder how long she's been planning this. Again, there's no tears. There's no "I trusted him and he betrayed me." This is a power play, plain and simple. I don't think she can sit there and talk about Juan Pablo being dishonest when it's pretty clear to me that she's been playing along the whole time.
Andi is going to follow Sharleen's lead, only she's not going to handle it with half the grace that Sharleen did. She leads right off with "I realized I wasn't in love with you." Juan Pablo, says "that's OK...if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be." Andi is not happy that Juan Pablo is taking this so well. She's pissed that he's not begging her to stay. This is not how she saw this going. I'm on Juan Pablo's side here. But she missed weddings to fly around the world with him! Everything that Pabs is saying makes sense...right up until he says "you only have to think about one guy....I've got other people to think about." That might not have been the best thing to say. "But you never listened to me!" she whined. She's mad that he brought up he had an overnight date with Claire. I'd counter that it can go two ways...to pretend that nothing is going on with the other girls is a little disingenuous and can backfire as well. She wants Juan Pablo to "feel something." Well, he feels angry. He's had enough of being attacked. They have some discussion that involves Renee and him saying "default." I didn't really understand what they were talking about. Andi then goes on about how he doesn't know her religion, her political views, how she wants to raise her children. Juan Pablo says "if I don't know those things, it's because you didn't tell me." Juan Pablo then hilariously asks her "fine then, what's my religion?" Andi fires back "Catholic" to which Juan Pablo has no response. He really walked into that one. According to Wikipedia, 92% of Venezuela is Catholic, so she didn't even need to know to get that one right. Oops. Andi again waits for him to try to talk her out of this or something, but he says "I appreciate your honesty 100%, thanks for coming." Well there you go.
Honestly, I think she was going home this week anyways, so this really didn't change the game at all anyways. Andi says "nobody wants to be with someone who is that honest and puts you down." I'm not sure I ever saw him put her down. I'm sure she took some stuff as disrespectful and hurtful, but I didn't get that. Andi tries to self-diagnose the situation in the van, and she does a pretty good job when she says "are my standards so high that I'll never find what I'm looking for?" My guess is...yep.
Back from commercial, and Juan Pablo does kind of get one final jab in at Andi by saying "she wanted to go home, but I have other women here, so it's OK." The way he said it made it clear he knew that would drive her up a wall that he used that phrase. Andi, who apparently is taking the van all the way around the island, is still whining about how rude and awful Juan Pablo was to her, and that she hopes for everyone's sake he treats Nikki and Claire differently.
Chris drops the bomb on Nikki and Claire that they are the two final contestants, and Nikki wants answers. She needs to know why. My question for her is "why do you care?" Clearly you didn't want her to be here instead of you, so what does it matter. You'd think that a smile would come across her face after the initial shock wore off, but no. "It's bittersweet because I'm sad for Andi." Really? Claire has a more rational reaction: "Nikki and I are completely different women, so it's interesting that we're the two left." Agreed, but it fits with my belief that there's not one type of woman or one specific woman that people are "meant to be with." It's ok to love two different types of women. When I think about the women I dated before I met Rachel, it's almost comical how different they are from her. And you know what? I honestly liked them all, in part because of the things that differentiated them from other women. Peanut butter and chocolate is amazing, but then again it goes well with jelly too. Remember that, y'all.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Bachelor Week....who cares anymore? Hometowns!
A little delayed due to Jocelyn asking me to watch Monsters, Inc. with her last night. I ended up falling asleep and there was not enough Pepsi Max in the world to help me rally for a two hour trip through these ladies families. Hooray for lunch breaks and ABC Streaming at my desk! Let's get it on!
We start with....cows. Kansas City is known for its cows? Nikki doesn't seem like a Midwest girl to me, I never picked up on that. She seems pretty Northeasterner to me. Let's go. Nikki says "it could be the one and only time my parents get to talk to him." Not the most confident statement.
I get the cow thing now...the barbeque. I love that most famous BBQ place in Kansas City is called Oklahoma Joe's. Not Kansas City Joes? The best place is named after a neighboring state? Kinda shaky, KC. After eating some ribs, it's time to ride a mechanical bull. "After making me dance in Korea, I'm going to make him ride a bull in KC. Nikki's an experienced bull rider? I'm confused. Nikki is impressed at how hot Juan Pablo is on a mechanical bull. "He's a lot more cowboy than I thought!" So eating some ribs and riding a fake bull in a western bar makes him a cowboy? In that case, Nikki, I guess that makes me your huckleberry too! High five for riding the bull tandem slowly then fake falling off so you can make out on a beer stained padded floor! So romantic. In fact, it's so romantic, Nikki can't bring herself to tell Juan Pablo she loves him. The empty country bar where single people go to find people the want to forget hooking up with the next day just didn't cut it I guess.
Moving on to Nikki's house - and Jesus does it just seem to you that a majority of contestants on this show come from an impressive amount of money? Granted, real estate prices are probably lower in Missouri, but still that's a NICE house. Nice touch by Juan Pablo to bring flowers for the mom, nice touch by the dad to tell him he's family because he sat down to dinner. Everyone seems pretty nice in this situation. I like the little bit about how the girls flew coach to Korea while Juan Pablo rode first class. Just another way that ABC makes the ladies feel like he's a huge catch and he's somehow above them. He's a star, you're a bit player, so you'd be lucky to have this guy pick you. Just awful, ABC.
Nikki and her mom talk, and she tells her mom she's in love with JP. JP and the dad talk, and the super awkward conversation where Juan Pablo says "hypothetically speaking, if I were to ask your daughter to marry me, would you be OK with that?" Papa Tom says "well I trust my daughter," and then gives the obligatory "if it's not real for you, cut her loose" statement.
Dad then sits down with Nikki, and grills her on the step-mom thing, which she seems ready for. Then we get the touching "I love you, you're smart and I support you in everything." Maybe it's a little contrived and cliché, but now that I have a daughter myself, those little moments hit me a little harder. All in all, this was about the most standard, cookie cutter hometown date of all time. Nikki kisses him on the porch, Juan Pablo prods her to tell him she loves him, she hesitates, he lingers, she still hesitates, he gives her the "well I've gotta go" ultimatum, and she still balks. That was pretty much her last chance, and she didn't do it. Pretty sure she doesn't love him, which is fine. Telling someone you love them when you really don't is about the worst mistake you can make. However, waiting for the "exact perfect right time" is a bad idea too. The right time is whenever you say it. If you say it in line at a Starbucks, that's the right time. If you say it while cooking a burger on your grill in the backyard, that's right too - so long as you actually mean it. Sometimes the perfect setting (say sunset on an exotic beach just a flock of dolphins starts jumping in the bay) will make you think "Holy shit, this is like a movie! I LOVE HIM!" when you're really not ready and then you have what should be a fantastic moment in your life tarnished because you said it to the wrong person and now every time you see a dolphin you hope it gets its stupid little nose stuck in a plastic six pack holder and dies a horrible death.
Off to Atlanta for Andi's hometown. Juan Pablo shows up for their "date" wearing what basically looks like a warm-up shirt for baseball practice. He sees Andi and says "you so preeeeety!" Andi says "I've got a surprise for you because you've made me do some crazy things." Juan Pablo asks "what crazy things." To Andi, crazy stuff is soccer, dancing and karaoke. So far we've learned that riding a mechanical bull and eating ribs makes you a cowboy, and dancing and playing soccer makes you crazy. Doesn't take much to impress these ladies, does it? No wonder they're swooning over his first class plane ticket! Andi decides to take him to shoot some guns. Clearly, all Andi and I share in common is a name. Guns creep me out, and I have no desire to ever shoot one, hold one, see one. "You want to prove a little manhood in the South, you hold a gun right." I am not a Southern man. "We're in Georgia, we're gonna see how he handles a gun." I am never going to Georgia. Juan Pablo apparently won't be welcome in her home unless he hits the bullseye on the target. Strangely, on his first shot, Andi flinches like she's never been around a gun in her life. What was that? She's blasting away with automatic weapons, but the sound of a pistol firing at a gun range when you're watching the guy pull the trigger makes you jump? Guns are weird. Let's just move on.
I'm assuming that Juan Pablo hitting the bullseye one out of 25 or so shots is a pretty good metaphor for this whole show, and probably Andi's chances of getting a proposal at the end of all of this. Let's go have dinner with the parents! More bad omens - Andi is terrified inside, and she's still "waiting to fall in love." She feels her parents could be a tipping point in making up her mind for her. Never a good sign if you need someone else to tell you if you're in love. Dad's taking the hard line, grilling Juan Pablo about waiting until it's down to eight people to take her on a solo date. Andi's dad, who's name is Hy, is not digging this at all. He's taking the realist approach to this, openly acknowledging that his daughter is dating a dude who is dating three other girls. "We've been married for 30 years" he says, to which Juan Pablo replies "How's it going?" Oof dude. Like anyone on earth is going to just acknowledge on the spot that their marriage is failing. What a terrible question. Juan Pablo gets a reprieve by speaking to the mom first. He again puts his foot in his mouth by responding to the "what do you like about my daughter?" question by saying "first of all she's beautiful." That's worth saying, but to make that the primary thing you like about their daughter?
Dad gets his chance, and he asks why Juan Pablo is on the show. Juan Pablo actually has a pretty good response, saying that people who sign up know who he is, know he has a daughter, and know that he's looking to start a family. Kind of allows him to skip a few steps in the dating process I suppose. Hy seems content with that answer. Juan Pablo then asks if he and Camilla would be accepted into the family, at which Hy puffs out his chest and gives the camera the old "it's not about finding someone for Andi, it's about finding someone good enough for Andi." Uh oh. Is Hy going to shut this whole thing down? Turns out, he has the best answer ever to this question, saying "I'm not having this conversation with you until you're 100% sure she's the one for you." Hy just won this episode. However, he probably damaged Andi's chances of winning because he definitely didn't make Juan Pablo feel as comfortable as Nikki's dad.
Further belaboring the issue, Andi's sister tells her that she hasn't heard Andi say "he's the one." Andi just kinda shrugs and says "yep." Not a good sign. Andi then talks to her dad, and definitely doesn't sound like someone who's in love saying "if he dumps me, he dumps me." Actually ended up liking Andi's family more than I thought I would. They are intelligent, well mannered, logical people. Which begs the question as to how their daughter ended up thinking it was a good idea to go on this show. Andi says she found what she was looking for, and yet she isn't in love with him yet. "Very, very close though." Ugh.
Next up is Renee, who has no doubt that she is madly, crazy, in love with Juan Pablo. But, will she be able to say it? Time to start the date by showing up at Ben's little league game. Nothing makes a kid play well like seeing his mom canoodling on a blanket with some strange dude surrounded by cameras. Juan Pablo shakes the kids hand and then squeezes his shoulder and starts talking to him like he's four years old. He's not Camilla, idiot. I also love that Ben won't even look at Juan Pablo while they talk to each other. Time for the game to start - do you think ABC mandated that Ben pitch this game? I'm imagining the coach getting all huffy and saying something like "We're ONE GAME out of first and you want me to shuffle my pitching rotation for your GIRLY SHOW?" Then ABC shoves a little cash his way and all of a sudden he's "got a hunch" that Ben's going to go out there and throw the game of his life. Sorry, little Johnny Tucker, you're riding the pine today so Ben's mommy can have a good date before she gets dumped. Hope your grandparents didn't drive down from Knoxville to see you play today.
We start family time by having the grandparents talk about all the stuff that Renee missed - meeting the coach, the bracelets he's been making. Way to make her feel crummy, grandma. This whole family seems to like Juan Pablo, and I'm hoping they don't put the poor kid on the spot and make him answer questions about if he'd be okay with having Juan Pablo be his daddy. That's just not fair. Fortunately they didn't go down that path. We also don't get to see the "would you be OK with me asking your daughter to marry you" sequence, which either means that it didn't happen (UH OH!) or he asked, dad said "of course" and it was so boring that it didn't need to be shown. We say our goodbyes, and again the girl misses her last chance to say "I love you." I'm now starting to think this is an ABC mandate that you aren't allowed to tell him you love him before the fantasy suite. Hmmm...
Alright time for a trip to Claire's hometown of Crazyville, Insania. Get your popcorn ready! Kansas City is known for its cows, Atlanta had ducks, Sarasota had seagulls, and now Sacramento has honeybees! I'm learning so much about local wildlife. Juan Pablo and Claire get right down to the making out and hugging and holding hands. She kind of reminds me of Isla Fisher's character in Wedding Crashers. Juan Pablo says that he can't wait to meet her family, because "he can't wait to see why she is the way she is." Incredible. We're all thinking that exact same thing. Claire tells us that it's difficult not having him meet her dad - probably not as difficult as having Juan Pablo meet her dad, amirite? Sorry, bad death joke. She then tells kind of a sweet story about how she danced with her dad before he died since she wouldn't get to at her wedding, and you kind of almost want things to turn out OK for Claire. But then the next moment they're making out again and she's saying obvious things like "you're in Sacramento!" and I just want her to be off my television.
Time to meet the mom and sisters. She can't wait to tell them "everything." Will she bring up the late night romp in the ocean? Let's hope so! Is it concerning that Claire looks like absolutely nobody in her family? I need to know more about this. Moving onto dinner, and, yup, the midnight romp comes up right away. This apparently isn't surprising to anyone, because they just kinda shrug it off. "Oh, that's just Claire! She's always romping around in her bikini!" Moving on, Claire talks to sister Madeline - who apparently is the surrogate daddy for Claire. She seems to trust her the most. She also says she'd say yes "in a heartbeat." Time to talk with mom, and the angry sister Laura is kind of speaking for mom. Why are they talking as if mom isn't there? What is going on right now? Claire says that she'd be OK with him turning her down because of how strong she's become because of how her family has supported her. Laura is having none of it. She seems to think that Claire is somehow disrespecting her mom. I get the sense that Claire's mom doesn't speak the best English. Claire then talks to another sister about the situation, and it seems to be almost expected that Laura was going to torpedo this whole situation. Laura is loving her time on the TV, gently petting the puppy as she continues to pass judgment on the situation while simultaneously acknowledging that she doesn't know Juan Pablo. Yowza.
Juan Pablo goes out to talk to Mama, and Laura goes out and weasels her way into the situation, and again acts as Mama's interpreter...rambling on about Daddy and how important he was. I will say this, he must've been a great man to put up with all of these competing personalities. Laura gets her two cents in (or was it her fifteen minutes of fame?) and finally begs off to let Mama talk with Juan Pablo. Turns out that I was right in that English isn't her first language, but she speaks English just fine. Mama Claire seems kind of alright....sort of like the wise town elder in a Disney movie about a remote tribe of people that doesn't speak much but everyone respects. Claire says "if he can look past my crazy family, I would love to marry him." I'll bet she can't wait to move to Florida to be with Juan Pablo. She's like the cheerleader girlfriend of a star quarterback in a small, backwards West Texas town who is pinning her whole future on her boyfriend's NFL future. If she gets dumped, she's gotta go back to her house with her tail tucked between her legs, while Laura sits there in her Wal-Mart elastic waist sweats petting that stupid little dog and saying "told you so...now look how upset you've made Mama. Daddy would be so ashamed." Someone help her get out of this situation.
Alright, rose ceremony time. We know Andi makes it based on the teasers for next episode, so is it Nikki, Claire, or Renee? I think Nikki is safe. That leaves Renee, who is awesome but has a kid of her own, or Claire, who has a crazy family, but is smoking hot and Juan Pablo doesn't seem to be able to keep his manos off of her. (Google tells me manos is Spanish for hands). Sure enough, Nikki and Claire are safe, so that means Renee is left to wonder if ABC telling her she couldn't tell Juan Pablo she loved him did her in. Nope, it was probably your son, though nobody would ever admit it. I get it too - if it was just about Renee moving, it's not a big deal - but when you talk about pulling her kid out of his school, off his little league team, away from his friends...well, it's just easier to pick the hot girl who has absolutely no qualms following you to the end of the earth and leaving everything in her past behind. He took the easy way out. Once again, Juan Pablo seems to be taking it harder than the lady he just dumped. This has to be a first. None of these girls seem all that broken up to be departing. I mean, Renee just spent a whole hour of the show telling us how in love with him she was, and yet she seems totally fine getting excused. I'm fine with it too, Renee. I'm sure you will find someone way better for you and your family. And if you ever make it out to Oregon, I'm sure my wife would love to sit down and have a glass of wine with you. You seem like a cool lady.
Alright, time to take a 24 hour breather before getting back into the drama.
We start with....cows. Kansas City is known for its cows? Nikki doesn't seem like a Midwest girl to me, I never picked up on that. She seems pretty Northeasterner to me. Let's go. Nikki says "it could be the one and only time my parents get to talk to him." Not the most confident statement.
I get the cow thing now...the barbeque. I love that most famous BBQ place in Kansas City is called Oklahoma Joe's. Not Kansas City Joes? The best place is named after a neighboring state? Kinda shaky, KC. After eating some ribs, it's time to ride a mechanical bull. "After making me dance in Korea, I'm going to make him ride a bull in KC. Nikki's an experienced bull rider? I'm confused. Nikki is impressed at how hot Juan Pablo is on a mechanical bull. "He's a lot more cowboy than I thought!" So eating some ribs and riding a fake bull in a western bar makes him a cowboy? In that case, Nikki, I guess that makes me your huckleberry too! High five for riding the bull tandem slowly then fake falling off so you can make out on a beer stained padded floor! So romantic. In fact, it's so romantic, Nikki can't bring herself to tell Juan Pablo she loves him. The empty country bar where single people go to find people the want to forget hooking up with the next day just didn't cut it I guess.
Moving on to Nikki's house - and Jesus does it just seem to you that a majority of contestants on this show come from an impressive amount of money? Granted, real estate prices are probably lower in Missouri, but still that's a NICE house. Nice touch by Juan Pablo to bring flowers for the mom, nice touch by the dad to tell him he's family because he sat down to dinner. Everyone seems pretty nice in this situation. I like the little bit about how the girls flew coach to Korea while Juan Pablo rode first class. Just another way that ABC makes the ladies feel like he's a huge catch and he's somehow above them. He's a star, you're a bit player, so you'd be lucky to have this guy pick you. Just awful, ABC.
Nikki and her mom talk, and she tells her mom she's in love with JP. JP and the dad talk, and the super awkward conversation where Juan Pablo says "hypothetically speaking, if I were to ask your daughter to marry me, would you be OK with that?" Papa Tom says "well I trust my daughter," and then gives the obligatory "if it's not real for you, cut her loose" statement.
Dad then sits down with Nikki, and grills her on the step-mom thing, which she seems ready for. Then we get the touching "I love you, you're smart and I support you in everything." Maybe it's a little contrived and cliché, but now that I have a daughter myself, those little moments hit me a little harder. All in all, this was about the most standard, cookie cutter hometown date of all time. Nikki kisses him on the porch, Juan Pablo prods her to tell him she loves him, she hesitates, he lingers, she still hesitates, he gives her the "well I've gotta go" ultimatum, and she still balks. That was pretty much her last chance, and she didn't do it. Pretty sure she doesn't love him, which is fine. Telling someone you love them when you really don't is about the worst mistake you can make. However, waiting for the "exact perfect right time" is a bad idea too. The right time is whenever you say it. If you say it in line at a Starbucks, that's the right time. If you say it while cooking a burger on your grill in the backyard, that's right too - so long as you actually mean it. Sometimes the perfect setting (say sunset on an exotic beach just a flock of dolphins starts jumping in the bay) will make you think "Holy shit, this is like a movie! I LOVE HIM!" when you're really not ready and then you have what should be a fantastic moment in your life tarnished because you said it to the wrong person and now every time you see a dolphin you hope it gets its stupid little nose stuck in a plastic six pack holder and dies a horrible death.
Off to Atlanta for Andi's hometown. Juan Pablo shows up for their "date" wearing what basically looks like a warm-up shirt for baseball practice. He sees Andi and says "you so preeeeety!" Andi says "I've got a surprise for you because you've made me do some crazy things." Juan Pablo asks "what crazy things." To Andi, crazy stuff is soccer, dancing and karaoke. So far we've learned that riding a mechanical bull and eating ribs makes you a cowboy, and dancing and playing soccer makes you crazy. Doesn't take much to impress these ladies, does it? No wonder they're swooning over his first class plane ticket! Andi decides to take him to shoot some guns. Clearly, all Andi and I share in common is a name. Guns creep me out, and I have no desire to ever shoot one, hold one, see one. "You want to prove a little manhood in the South, you hold a gun right." I am not a Southern man. "We're in Georgia, we're gonna see how he handles a gun." I am never going to Georgia. Juan Pablo apparently won't be welcome in her home unless he hits the bullseye on the target. Strangely, on his first shot, Andi flinches like she's never been around a gun in her life. What was that? She's blasting away with automatic weapons, but the sound of a pistol firing at a gun range when you're watching the guy pull the trigger makes you jump? Guns are weird. Let's just move on.
I'm assuming that Juan Pablo hitting the bullseye one out of 25 or so shots is a pretty good metaphor for this whole show, and probably Andi's chances of getting a proposal at the end of all of this. Let's go have dinner with the parents! More bad omens - Andi is terrified inside, and she's still "waiting to fall in love." She feels her parents could be a tipping point in making up her mind for her. Never a good sign if you need someone else to tell you if you're in love. Dad's taking the hard line, grilling Juan Pablo about waiting until it's down to eight people to take her on a solo date. Andi's dad, who's name is Hy, is not digging this at all. He's taking the realist approach to this, openly acknowledging that his daughter is dating a dude who is dating three other girls. "We've been married for 30 years" he says, to which Juan Pablo replies "How's it going?" Oof dude. Like anyone on earth is going to just acknowledge on the spot that their marriage is failing. What a terrible question. Juan Pablo gets a reprieve by speaking to the mom first. He again puts his foot in his mouth by responding to the "what do you like about my daughter?" question by saying "first of all she's beautiful." That's worth saying, but to make that the primary thing you like about their daughter?
Dad gets his chance, and he asks why Juan Pablo is on the show. Juan Pablo actually has a pretty good response, saying that people who sign up know who he is, know he has a daughter, and know that he's looking to start a family. Kind of allows him to skip a few steps in the dating process I suppose. Hy seems content with that answer. Juan Pablo then asks if he and Camilla would be accepted into the family, at which Hy puffs out his chest and gives the camera the old "it's not about finding someone for Andi, it's about finding someone good enough for Andi." Uh oh. Is Hy going to shut this whole thing down? Turns out, he has the best answer ever to this question, saying "I'm not having this conversation with you until you're 100% sure she's the one for you." Hy just won this episode. However, he probably damaged Andi's chances of winning because he definitely didn't make Juan Pablo feel as comfortable as Nikki's dad.
Further belaboring the issue, Andi's sister tells her that she hasn't heard Andi say "he's the one." Andi just kinda shrugs and says "yep." Not a good sign. Andi then talks to her dad, and definitely doesn't sound like someone who's in love saying "if he dumps me, he dumps me." Actually ended up liking Andi's family more than I thought I would. They are intelligent, well mannered, logical people. Which begs the question as to how their daughter ended up thinking it was a good idea to go on this show. Andi says she found what she was looking for, and yet she isn't in love with him yet. "Very, very close though." Ugh.
Next up is Renee, who has no doubt that she is madly, crazy, in love with Juan Pablo. But, will she be able to say it? Time to start the date by showing up at Ben's little league game. Nothing makes a kid play well like seeing his mom canoodling on a blanket with some strange dude surrounded by cameras. Juan Pablo shakes the kids hand and then squeezes his shoulder and starts talking to him like he's four years old. He's not Camilla, idiot. I also love that Ben won't even look at Juan Pablo while they talk to each other. Time for the game to start - do you think ABC mandated that Ben pitch this game? I'm imagining the coach getting all huffy and saying something like "We're ONE GAME out of first and you want me to shuffle my pitching rotation for your GIRLY SHOW?" Then ABC shoves a little cash his way and all of a sudden he's "got a hunch" that Ben's going to go out there and throw the game of his life. Sorry, little Johnny Tucker, you're riding the pine today so Ben's mommy can have a good date before she gets dumped. Hope your grandparents didn't drive down from Knoxville to see you play today.
We start family time by having the grandparents talk about all the stuff that Renee missed - meeting the coach, the bracelets he's been making. Way to make her feel crummy, grandma. This whole family seems to like Juan Pablo, and I'm hoping they don't put the poor kid on the spot and make him answer questions about if he'd be okay with having Juan Pablo be his daddy. That's just not fair. Fortunately they didn't go down that path. We also don't get to see the "would you be OK with me asking your daughter to marry you" sequence, which either means that it didn't happen (UH OH!) or he asked, dad said "of course" and it was so boring that it didn't need to be shown. We say our goodbyes, and again the girl misses her last chance to say "I love you." I'm now starting to think this is an ABC mandate that you aren't allowed to tell him you love him before the fantasy suite. Hmmm...
Alright time for a trip to Claire's hometown of Crazyville, Insania. Get your popcorn ready! Kansas City is known for its cows, Atlanta had ducks, Sarasota had seagulls, and now Sacramento has honeybees! I'm learning so much about local wildlife. Juan Pablo and Claire get right down to the making out and hugging and holding hands. She kind of reminds me of Isla Fisher's character in Wedding Crashers. Juan Pablo says that he can't wait to meet her family, because "he can't wait to see why she is the way she is." Incredible. We're all thinking that exact same thing. Claire tells us that it's difficult not having him meet her dad - probably not as difficult as having Juan Pablo meet her dad, amirite? Sorry, bad death joke. She then tells kind of a sweet story about how she danced with her dad before he died since she wouldn't get to at her wedding, and you kind of almost want things to turn out OK for Claire. But then the next moment they're making out again and she's saying obvious things like "you're in Sacramento!" and I just want her to be off my television.
Time to meet the mom and sisters. She can't wait to tell them "everything." Will she bring up the late night romp in the ocean? Let's hope so! Is it concerning that Claire looks like absolutely nobody in her family? I need to know more about this. Moving onto dinner, and, yup, the midnight romp comes up right away. This apparently isn't surprising to anyone, because they just kinda shrug it off. "Oh, that's just Claire! She's always romping around in her bikini!" Moving on, Claire talks to sister Madeline - who apparently is the surrogate daddy for Claire. She seems to trust her the most. She also says she'd say yes "in a heartbeat." Time to talk with mom, and the angry sister Laura is kind of speaking for mom. Why are they talking as if mom isn't there? What is going on right now? Claire says that she'd be OK with him turning her down because of how strong she's become because of how her family has supported her. Laura is having none of it. She seems to think that Claire is somehow disrespecting her mom. I get the sense that Claire's mom doesn't speak the best English. Claire then talks to another sister about the situation, and it seems to be almost expected that Laura was going to torpedo this whole situation. Laura is loving her time on the TV, gently petting the puppy as she continues to pass judgment on the situation while simultaneously acknowledging that she doesn't know Juan Pablo. Yowza.
Juan Pablo goes out to talk to Mama, and Laura goes out and weasels her way into the situation, and again acts as Mama's interpreter...rambling on about Daddy and how important he was. I will say this, he must've been a great man to put up with all of these competing personalities. Laura gets her two cents in (or was it her fifteen minutes of fame?) and finally begs off to let Mama talk with Juan Pablo. Turns out that I was right in that English isn't her first language, but she speaks English just fine. Mama Claire seems kind of alright....sort of like the wise town elder in a Disney movie about a remote tribe of people that doesn't speak much but everyone respects. Claire says "if he can look past my crazy family, I would love to marry him." I'll bet she can't wait to move to Florida to be with Juan Pablo. She's like the cheerleader girlfriend of a star quarterback in a small, backwards West Texas town who is pinning her whole future on her boyfriend's NFL future. If she gets dumped, she's gotta go back to her house with her tail tucked between her legs, while Laura sits there in her Wal-Mart elastic waist sweats petting that stupid little dog and saying "told you so...now look how upset you've made Mama. Daddy would be so ashamed." Someone help her get out of this situation.
Alright, rose ceremony time. We know Andi makes it based on the teasers for next episode, so is it Nikki, Claire, or Renee? I think Nikki is safe. That leaves Renee, who is awesome but has a kid of her own, or Claire, who has a crazy family, but is smoking hot and Juan Pablo doesn't seem to be able to keep his manos off of her. (Google tells me manos is Spanish for hands). Sure enough, Nikki and Claire are safe, so that means Renee is left to wonder if ABC telling her she couldn't tell Juan Pablo she loved him did her in. Nope, it was probably your son, though nobody would ever admit it. I get it too - if it was just about Renee moving, it's not a big deal - but when you talk about pulling her kid out of his school, off his little league team, away from his friends...well, it's just easier to pick the hot girl who has absolutely no qualms following you to the end of the earth and leaving everything in her past behind. He took the easy way out. Once again, Juan Pablo seems to be taking it harder than the lady he just dumped. This has to be a first. None of these girls seem all that broken up to be departing. I mean, Renee just spent a whole hour of the show telling us how in love with him she was, and yet she seems totally fine getting excused. I'm fine with it too, Renee. I'm sure you will find someone way better for you and your family. And if you ever make it out to Oregon, I'm sure my wife would love to sit down and have a glass of wine with you. You seem like a cool lady.
Alright, time to take a 24 hour breather before getting back into the drama.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Bachelor Week 7: Oh God Make it Stop
A day late, but not a dollar short! Due to a visit from my sister-in-law and her family, this weeks Bachelor blog was a little postponed. It was hard last night to see that little light on the DVR light up and know that Juan Pablo was probably whoring his way through the final six, but what can you do?
We start with Juan Pablo making a surprise visit to see his daughter who he whistles to like Rue whistling to Katniss - slightly weird. Also, his daughter is only four? She looks older than my six year old. Oh, and she's got her ears pierced? JUDGMENTAL FATHER ALERT!!
The girls are put up in a penthouse and given skimpy bikini's to wear. If they didn't feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before....
He barges in on the girls with a goofy look on his face and gives a date card to Sharleen, who's back to first night jitters where she doesn't understand why he likes her. She goes to get ready while Claire tries to figure out why she's not doing internal cartwheels that Juan Pablo wants her for this date. She says she's missing some sort of intellectual connection as she pensively stares out over Miami from the balcony. If she needed another reason to not be excited about her date, how about the fact that the guy you're getting dressed up for is lounging casually on the couch with five other girls while you're putting on your face?
Time for a yacht date! He assumes the same casual pose he had with the other girls back at the hotel and then they make out and moan and don't really talk about anything. Sharleen says that he's "trouble" and Juan Pablo says "What? Why? I have not done anything!" Except moan and kiss her, JP. He's found that his lips are a good line of defense when it comes to confrontation. Hard to say anything that gets him into trouble if his mouth is busy smooching, right?
After some water frolicking and champagne, Sharleen finally gets a chance to say what she wants, and apparently she wants to give up opera singing to be a step-mommy. Or at least that's what she hints at. She gets all vague and says she's ready for change. Juan Pablo has heard enough - back in the water to make out with him you sexy opera singer you! She keeps talking about their chemistry, but it's pretty clear that it's physical only. Juan Pablo pays her a nice compliment - saying that she impresses him without trying to impress him - which of course leads to more and more and more kissing. Then they talk about kissing while kissing. Then she talks about kissing to the camera while we see pictures of them kissing. Finally they stop kissing, and Juan Pablo finally gets serious and asks her how she feels about him meeting her family. She pauses, and he presses her for more info. She says "I wish I was dumber" which to me sounds like a not so subtle dig at the other girls. Juan Pablo says she can tell him anything, but she just leans in for another kiss. Oddly, there's no mention of a rose, and yet she's back in the house talking to house mom Renee. At this point, Renee could really use her power and influence to gently push her out the door, but Renee just plays it right down the middle and lets Sharleen talk herself into a frenzy. I didn't think she was going to send herself home before watching this, because ABC has a tendency to make everything look like it's going in one direction before revealing that the situation was never really as dire as we all thought. However, seeing how she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family, I'd say that's a good sign this relationship is doomed. Even if she does stick around, and he ends up picking her, there's no way this relationship would make it to a wedding.
Up next is a date with Nikki! "Hola, someone is looking pretty today!" Juan Pablo croons. No indication if he's talking about Nikki or himself. The date.....is going to Camilla's dance recital! And, surprise! Camilla's mom is going to be there! This seems kinda serious - and also awesome. I've been hoping all season that Juan Pablo was going to present the girls to his daughter's mother. How is this going to go? This is the most excited I've been about a date in a long time....but of course first we have to see Sharleen get all mopey because....well because she's clearly realizing she thinks Juan Pablo has the brain of a Stegosaurus wrapped in a sexy body. He's like a bacon wrapped turd. Speaking of bacon-wrapped turds, that show down with the family was a total bust. There was hardly any interaction at all. BOOOOOO! I want to see EVERY SINGLE WORD that the mom and Nikki shared. And if we did see all their interaction, well then Juan Pablo learned nothing from this date and I would think he'd be pissed at his family for not even doing anything to help him make a decision.
Dinner time, and they're playing baseball. Nikki's wearing a "shirt" which really looks like a long piece of fabric strategically placed to make it safe for her to be shown on television. No wonder Juan Pablo is throwing her grounders and forcing her to bend down to pick up the ball. She tries to have a conversation with him, and he starts out by kissing her shoulder after every word he says. Juan Pablo says he's glad that Nikki "thinks" about if she wants to be a part of his life. Then they kiss on the pitchers mound. They kiss in the stands. They kiss on the concourse.
Back at the house, Sharleen has done enough thinking, and calls the girls together to let them know that she's going home. I love that she's having a hard time telling the girls, who all clearly want her to leave. Not one of them deep down wants her to stay, and yet they all put on their best pouty faces and give her hugs on her way out. The girls only concern seems to be that she might put a little bit of a damper on their Juan Pablo time.
Now she's off to throw a fastball at Juan Pablo's junk by telling him he will not be getting any more lip action from her. She then whispers her feelings to Juan Pablo, which seem to be "I'm totally into you and you are amazing and our time together is amazing, but I'm totally afraid of commitment so I'm going to leave." Juan Pablo's response is basically a very polite "ok!" Pretty easy to get dumped when you have five other gorgeous girls waiting for you, eh buddy? This reminds me of the time I was struggling to figure out how to tell a girl I dated in college that I no longer wanted to date her, and then she broke up with me before I got the chance. Inside, I was super relieved, but externally I tried my best to look somewhat bummed about what just happened. And really, I was a little bummed, because I tried not to make a practice of dating people I didn't really like. Clearly, both Juan Pablo and Sharleen are going to both be better off for this decision, so no need for tears.
Time for a seaplane trip to a secluded island to figure out who gets the guaranteed hometown. Up first is Chelsie, who is basically at 15 year old. Her mom is "awesome" and her "best friend." Her parents even wrote her notes on fluorescent stationery! Her mom gives her three bits of advice "have fun" "two drink maximum" and "keep your clothes on." Her dad says "don't do anything your mom tells you to." Dad basically says "make bad decisions and hope for the best, but if nothing else, you'll have a good story!" I'm now hoping that Chelsie stays around so we can see more of her family dynamic. Her parents sound like they're way into their daughter's business, which could make for some great TV.
Andi, who I think is Chelsie's biggest competition to go home after this date, uses her time to cry and wonder if all of this is going to be worth it and if she's really ready to have him meet her family when she's not promised a ring at the end of this. Not the best strategy, since the last girl to voice similar concerns just sent herself home and Juan Pablo didn't even seem to bat an eye. Oh sure, he mustered up a few tears for the camera, but in the moment, he was all too happy to pat her on the head, kiss her cheek, and say "vaya con dios!" as he ushers her to the door.
Claire is a moron. She thinks the rose means that Juan Pablo is sure of the girl, that he wants to meet her family. Wow...worked that out all by yourself, did ya? Juan says he wishes he could meet her dad, which of course opens her up to talk about the video, which apparently she knows is all about her dad telling her future husband how amazing she is, even though nobody has ever seen it. Interesting. Is there any way we as the viewing public don't get to see this video? I say no.
Andi gets the date and Claire is pissed. She rants about how he gave the rose to the girl who seems to be doubting herself the most, but then she says it's a trend - which is crap because a majority of date roses have gone to either herself or Nikki, two girls without any self doubt. Andi gets to stay on the island, and Claire has to hop back on the reject seaplane with Chelsie and Renee (who apparently had such an unmemorable "date" with Juan Pablo that ABC didn't need to show us any of it.) "Let's f*cking wrap this sh*t up and go home!" Claire fumes. Best line of the season. That just killed me. I'll say this for Claire - she wants to be Juan Pablo's wife. She wants to get her "besitos" and watch her dad's deathbed DVD and show off the rock and have a made for TV wedding more than all the other girls.
Andi gets to go to a concert with Juan Pablo, and according to her she's led up onto the middle of the stage to dance with Juan Pablo. Translation - we find a raised platform somewhere in the venue to dance while nobody pays a lick of attention to us. At least the music sounded catchy.
Claire's about to rage. She's clearly not happy about any of this - Nikki says it's funny how Chelsie is giggling, Renee is grinning, and Claire is checked out. Claire says "Andi got the date because she needed that reassurance" which doesn't sit well with Nikki, who just leaves. Claire's not having any of this. She goes to confront Nikki about why she left. Nikki says that she felt Claire was about to talk crap about Andi, so she left. Claire says "who was talking crap?" and Nikki says "nobody was, but I felt it was heading that way" and Claire says "who was talking crap?" as if she didn't hear a think Nikki said. They then agree that they don't like each other, and Nikki asks Claire to excuse herself from her room. Claire then goes into the idiot logic of "you didn't pay for this, so it's not yours....it's OURS." There is nothing worse than trying to argue with an idiot who thinks they are smart. They keep trying to hammer home one insignificant technicality because they think it proves your entire argument is invalid, as if every conversation is the OJ Simpson trial and you just tried the glove on that didn't fit. "Oh you agree that you didn't pay for this room, Nikki? THE DEFENSE RESTS! I HAVE NOTHING MORE FOR THIS PATHETIC JOKE OF A WITNESS, YOUR HONOR. It did lead to a fascinating goodbye, where Claire calls Nikki a "piece of work" and Nikki shoots back "and you're batsh*t crazy." A shame to think this is pretty much the last time they'll be together on this journey. At least we've got The Ladies Tell All special to look forward to, right?
Nikki is acting all "holier than thou" at the cocktail party, while Claire and Chelsie talk about how amazing it would be if she left. Renee, bless her heart, just sits there and keeps her mouth shut like the responsible, mature person she is. Chelsie then conveniently has to go pee and leaves Nikki and Claire sitting on the couch together to ignore each other in icy silence. Weather forecast calls for a chill coming through Miami tonight...cue distant train sound effects! One by one, the other girls filter back in, but it does nothing to improve the mood. Juan Pablo, oblivious idiot that he is, shows up and talks about what a great night this is. Chris mercifully shows up to break up the uncomfortable scene we're being subjected to. Juan Pablo gets up and tries to fake his way through how hard this decision is going to be for him, but he can't stop smiling and looking like he anxious for this night to be over so he can get back to making out with the four who are staying. He's so excited to get this rose ceremony over and dispatch a lady I'm surprised he didn't run to the deliberation room.
Time for the roses, and they go to Nikki, Claire, and Renee. Chelsie gets to go home to her note writing parents. I'm not surprised - I've thought all along the final four would be Sharleen, Nikki, Claire and Renee - but as the season's worn on, I've kind of been hoping he'd boot Renee for her own sake.
Chelsie gets walked out, and says "it's nice to finally date a good guy for once, ya know?" This just makes me sad. Are there really that many asshole guys out there? (don't answer that) Juan Pablo goes into his fake, post dumping malaise and weeps tears for Chelsie that he didn't let her see. Ugh.
Previewing next weeks two parter (wait, no women tell all?) - it appears that Andi's dad doesn't approve, Claire's less attractive older sister is a jealous bitch, and Juan Pablo does something unforgivable in the fantasy suite with Andi. My guess? He whispers one of the other girl's name in his sleep. Good job ABC - you gave me a reason to see this thing to the bitter end, even if I'm rooting for Renee to get dumped because she's the only person I still have even a small amount of respect for.
We start with Juan Pablo making a surprise visit to see his daughter who he whistles to like Rue whistling to Katniss - slightly weird. Also, his daughter is only four? She looks older than my six year old. Oh, and she's got her ears pierced? JUDGMENTAL FATHER ALERT!!
The girls are put up in a penthouse and given skimpy bikini's to wear. If they didn't feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before....
He barges in on the girls with a goofy look on his face and gives a date card to Sharleen, who's back to first night jitters where she doesn't understand why he likes her. She goes to get ready while Claire tries to figure out why she's not doing internal cartwheels that Juan Pablo wants her for this date. She says she's missing some sort of intellectual connection as she pensively stares out over Miami from the balcony. If she needed another reason to not be excited about her date, how about the fact that the guy you're getting dressed up for is lounging casually on the couch with five other girls while you're putting on your face?
Time for a yacht date! He assumes the same casual pose he had with the other girls back at the hotel and then they make out and moan and don't really talk about anything. Sharleen says that he's "trouble" and Juan Pablo says "What? Why? I have not done anything!" Except moan and kiss her, JP. He's found that his lips are a good line of defense when it comes to confrontation. Hard to say anything that gets him into trouble if his mouth is busy smooching, right?
After some water frolicking and champagne, Sharleen finally gets a chance to say what she wants, and apparently she wants to give up opera singing to be a step-mommy. Or at least that's what she hints at. She gets all vague and says she's ready for change. Juan Pablo has heard enough - back in the water to make out with him you sexy opera singer you! She keeps talking about their chemistry, but it's pretty clear that it's physical only. Juan Pablo pays her a nice compliment - saying that she impresses him without trying to impress him - which of course leads to more and more and more kissing. Then they talk about kissing while kissing. Then she talks about kissing to the camera while we see pictures of them kissing. Finally they stop kissing, and Juan Pablo finally gets serious and asks her how she feels about him meeting her family. She pauses, and he presses her for more info. She says "I wish I was dumber" which to me sounds like a not so subtle dig at the other girls. Juan Pablo says she can tell him anything, but she just leans in for another kiss. Oddly, there's no mention of a rose, and yet she's back in the house talking to house mom Renee. At this point, Renee could really use her power and influence to gently push her out the door, but Renee just plays it right down the middle and lets Sharleen talk herself into a frenzy. I didn't think she was going to send herself home before watching this, because ABC has a tendency to make everything look like it's going in one direction before revealing that the situation was never really as dire as we all thought. However, seeing how she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family, I'd say that's a good sign this relationship is doomed. Even if she does stick around, and he ends up picking her, there's no way this relationship would make it to a wedding.
Up next is a date with Nikki! "Hola, someone is looking pretty today!" Juan Pablo croons. No indication if he's talking about Nikki or himself. The date.....is going to Camilla's dance recital! And, surprise! Camilla's mom is going to be there! This seems kinda serious - and also awesome. I've been hoping all season that Juan Pablo was going to present the girls to his daughter's mother. How is this going to go? This is the most excited I've been about a date in a long time....but of course first we have to see Sharleen get all mopey because....well because she's clearly realizing she thinks Juan Pablo has the brain of a Stegosaurus wrapped in a sexy body. He's like a bacon wrapped turd. Speaking of bacon-wrapped turds, that show down with the family was a total bust. There was hardly any interaction at all. BOOOOOO! I want to see EVERY SINGLE WORD that the mom and Nikki shared. And if we did see all their interaction, well then Juan Pablo learned nothing from this date and I would think he'd be pissed at his family for not even doing anything to help him make a decision.
Dinner time, and they're playing baseball. Nikki's wearing a "shirt" which really looks like a long piece of fabric strategically placed to make it safe for her to be shown on television. No wonder Juan Pablo is throwing her grounders and forcing her to bend down to pick up the ball. She tries to have a conversation with him, and he starts out by kissing her shoulder after every word he says. Juan Pablo says he's glad that Nikki "thinks" about if she wants to be a part of his life. Then they kiss on the pitchers mound. They kiss in the stands. They kiss on the concourse.
Back at the house, Sharleen has done enough thinking, and calls the girls together to let them know that she's going home. I love that she's having a hard time telling the girls, who all clearly want her to leave. Not one of them deep down wants her to stay, and yet they all put on their best pouty faces and give her hugs on her way out. The girls only concern seems to be that she might put a little bit of a damper on their Juan Pablo time.
Now she's off to throw a fastball at Juan Pablo's junk by telling him he will not be getting any more lip action from her. She then whispers her feelings to Juan Pablo, which seem to be "I'm totally into you and you are amazing and our time together is amazing, but I'm totally afraid of commitment so I'm going to leave." Juan Pablo's response is basically a very polite "ok!" Pretty easy to get dumped when you have five other gorgeous girls waiting for you, eh buddy? This reminds me of the time I was struggling to figure out how to tell a girl I dated in college that I no longer wanted to date her, and then she broke up with me before I got the chance. Inside, I was super relieved, but externally I tried my best to look somewhat bummed about what just happened. And really, I was a little bummed, because I tried not to make a practice of dating people I didn't really like. Clearly, both Juan Pablo and Sharleen are going to both be better off for this decision, so no need for tears.
Time for a seaplane trip to a secluded island to figure out who gets the guaranteed hometown. Up first is Chelsie, who is basically at 15 year old. Her mom is "awesome" and her "best friend." Her parents even wrote her notes on fluorescent stationery! Her mom gives her three bits of advice "have fun" "two drink maximum" and "keep your clothes on." Her dad says "don't do anything your mom tells you to." Dad basically says "make bad decisions and hope for the best, but if nothing else, you'll have a good story!" I'm now hoping that Chelsie stays around so we can see more of her family dynamic. Her parents sound like they're way into their daughter's business, which could make for some great TV.
Andi, who I think is Chelsie's biggest competition to go home after this date, uses her time to cry and wonder if all of this is going to be worth it and if she's really ready to have him meet her family when she's not promised a ring at the end of this. Not the best strategy, since the last girl to voice similar concerns just sent herself home and Juan Pablo didn't even seem to bat an eye. Oh sure, he mustered up a few tears for the camera, but in the moment, he was all too happy to pat her on the head, kiss her cheek, and say "vaya con dios!" as he ushers her to the door.
Claire is a moron. She thinks the rose means that Juan Pablo is sure of the girl, that he wants to meet her family. Wow...worked that out all by yourself, did ya? Juan says he wishes he could meet her dad, which of course opens her up to talk about the video, which apparently she knows is all about her dad telling her future husband how amazing she is, even though nobody has ever seen it. Interesting. Is there any way we as the viewing public don't get to see this video? I say no.
Andi gets the date and Claire is pissed. She rants about how he gave the rose to the girl who seems to be doubting herself the most, but then she says it's a trend - which is crap because a majority of date roses have gone to either herself or Nikki, two girls without any self doubt. Andi gets to stay on the island, and Claire has to hop back on the reject seaplane with Chelsie and Renee (who apparently had such an unmemorable "date" with Juan Pablo that ABC didn't need to show us any of it.) "Let's f*cking wrap this sh*t up and go home!" Claire fumes. Best line of the season. That just killed me. I'll say this for Claire - she wants to be Juan Pablo's wife. She wants to get her "besitos" and watch her dad's deathbed DVD and show off the rock and have a made for TV wedding more than all the other girls.
Andi gets to go to a concert with Juan Pablo, and according to her she's led up onto the middle of the stage to dance with Juan Pablo. Translation - we find a raised platform somewhere in the venue to dance while nobody pays a lick of attention to us. At least the music sounded catchy.
Claire's about to rage. She's clearly not happy about any of this - Nikki says it's funny how Chelsie is giggling, Renee is grinning, and Claire is checked out. Claire says "Andi got the date because she needed that reassurance" which doesn't sit well with Nikki, who just leaves. Claire's not having any of this. She goes to confront Nikki about why she left. Nikki says that she felt Claire was about to talk crap about Andi, so she left. Claire says "who was talking crap?" and Nikki says "nobody was, but I felt it was heading that way" and Claire says "who was talking crap?" as if she didn't hear a think Nikki said. They then agree that they don't like each other, and Nikki asks Claire to excuse herself from her room. Claire then goes into the idiot logic of "you didn't pay for this, so it's not yours....it's OURS." There is nothing worse than trying to argue with an idiot who thinks they are smart. They keep trying to hammer home one insignificant technicality because they think it proves your entire argument is invalid, as if every conversation is the OJ Simpson trial and you just tried the glove on that didn't fit. "Oh you agree that you didn't pay for this room, Nikki? THE DEFENSE RESTS! I HAVE NOTHING MORE FOR THIS PATHETIC JOKE OF A WITNESS, YOUR HONOR. It did lead to a fascinating goodbye, where Claire calls Nikki a "piece of work" and Nikki shoots back "and you're batsh*t crazy." A shame to think this is pretty much the last time they'll be together on this journey. At least we've got The Ladies Tell All special to look forward to, right?
Nikki is acting all "holier than thou" at the cocktail party, while Claire and Chelsie talk about how amazing it would be if she left. Renee, bless her heart, just sits there and keeps her mouth shut like the responsible, mature person she is. Chelsie then conveniently has to go pee and leaves Nikki and Claire sitting on the couch together to ignore each other in icy silence. Weather forecast calls for a chill coming through Miami tonight...cue distant train sound effects! One by one, the other girls filter back in, but it does nothing to improve the mood. Juan Pablo, oblivious idiot that he is, shows up and talks about what a great night this is. Chris mercifully shows up to break up the uncomfortable scene we're being subjected to. Juan Pablo gets up and tries to fake his way through how hard this decision is going to be for him, but he can't stop smiling and looking like he anxious for this night to be over so he can get back to making out with the four who are staying. He's so excited to get this rose ceremony over and dispatch a lady I'm surprised he didn't run to the deliberation room.
Time for the roses, and they go to Nikki, Claire, and Renee. Chelsie gets to go home to her note writing parents. I'm not surprised - I've thought all along the final four would be Sharleen, Nikki, Claire and Renee - but as the season's worn on, I've kind of been hoping he'd boot Renee for her own sake.
Chelsie gets walked out, and says "it's nice to finally date a good guy for once, ya know?" This just makes me sad. Are there really that many asshole guys out there? (don't answer that) Juan Pablo goes into his fake, post dumping malaise and weeps tears for Chelsie that he didn't let her see. Ugh.
Previewing next weeks two parter (wait, no women tell all?) - it appears that Andi's dad doesn't approve, Claire's less attractive older sister is a jealous bitch, and Juan Pablo does something unforgivable in the fantasy suite with Andi. My guess? He whispers one of the other girl's name in his sleep. Good job ABC - you gave me a reason to see this thing to the bitter end, even if I'm rooting for Renee to get dumped because she's the only person I still have even a small amount of respect for.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Bachelor Week 6: Only Because Curling Wasn't On
We're back. To be honest, I'm really hate-watching tonight, because I'd rather be watching the Olympics. Unfortunately, the Olympics aren't showing anything I want to watch (speed skating just doesn't do it for me) and also the 12 hour time difference means I pretty much know who won everything already anyways (thanks technology!). On a side note, I've stuck my foot in my mouth twice in the last two days because of the Olympics (first because I said that twenty year old Norwegian snowboarder Silje Norendal was "not hard to look at," and second because I said if I won the lottery I'd hire the women's curling team from Great Britain to coach me. Really, it's because of their accents, and because Scotland is the birthplace of curling I swear!)
Ok, back to Juan Pablo's quest forbooty love. New Zealand this week! Land of Hobbits and sheep. One time at a dinner party at my grandparent's house in college, my roommate asked a New Zealand exchange student "so...you got a lot of sheep there, right?" This is how I learned that there are more sheep than people in New Zealand.
The girls are all convinced that Juan Pablo is their lobster with the exception of Claire, who is still confused as hell as to why a guy would sleep with her and then say that it was a bad idea and that she made things weird for him with his daughter. I'm with you Claire. It's like drinking an insane amount of alcohol, puking, then getting mad at Captain Morgan. What'd you think was going to happen, Juan Pablo? This situation is a little different, because he probably could blame Captain Morgan for his impaired judgement, but, like my father used to say "when you seek the advice of pirates, don't be surprised when you end up plundering some nice townsfolk." (Ok, he didn't say this, but Dale Lasselle is a man of surprising wisdom.)
Andi gets the first one on one, much to Claire's dismay. She feels like this would have been the perfect chance to get back on track with Juan Pablo, but I think the problem is that the train was riding a little too smoothly on the rails for Mr. Galavais, amirite?
Cassandra "never expected" Andi to get a one on one date? Why? Strange statement. She then has a little mommy-to-mommy chatter with Renee about how great it is that Juan Pablo is invested in both her happiness and the happiness of her child. Complete bullcrap, because he's never met the kid. It's amazing to me that any parent would be so cavalier with their child's wellbeing. "Oh he says he wants to do right by my son that he's never met, he cares so much about him!" I wonder how she'd feel if Juan Pablo said "hey, lemme take your son whom I've never met to the zoo for the day to get to know him." We'd find out how much she trusted JP then. Because if you can't trust a guy who's telling eight women at once how much he's into them with your son, who can you trust?
Date time....Andi's ready to rock in her white leggings and flannel shirt. White pants while in a jet boat? No way those things are coming back clean. I'm embarrassed that my first thought about her outfit was that she might get it dirty, but I had a pair of white warmup pants once that I thought were super awesome until I wore them outside for the first time. I opened the car door and all the dirt just wiped off on my pants and never left again.....EVER. Good thing she's got a swimsuit on underneath! Time to swim/walk/piggyback our way through a tiny crevasse towards god knows what. I'm half expecting them to pop out in a lost world filled with dinosaurs and other long extinct animals.
Andi is impressed that Juan Pablo is helping her over rocks. Is this really all it takes to impress a lady anymore? What asshole guy is going to say "sorry, you find your own way over the rocks honey." Or do those little gestures go a lot further when you have washer board abs and speak in a sultry Latin accent? Also, I find it hard to believe that it was all that treacherous when a dude with a giant HD camera is following right behind you, without the aid of a shirtless Venezuelan. You hear that JP? A REAL MAN would've helped the camera dude too!
After some of the most hardcore making out we've ever seen on the show (I've seen carpets have less contact with floors), Juan Pablo toasts to a long wait and a great first date in New Zealand. Andi says that "it's like a fantasy-land to be in New Zealand in front of a geyser kissing a guy I'm starting to really like!" No, Andi, it IS a fantasy land. I love how surprised they are that a geyser got them wet and "ruined their dinner." This was a total plan by ABC and/or Juan Pablo to cut short the talky-talky time and get more kissy kissy going on. If I could subtitle this date, it would say:
Juan Pablo: Talking is so boring when our belly buttons aren't touching. It's like what's the point?"
Andi: "Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the tingly sensation in my loins."
Big surprise, she gets the rose.
Looks like Claire's gonna get that chance to get back on the rails with Juan Pablo, because he selected her for the other one on one date this week. If he ends up talking things out with her, making her feel comfortable again and then knockin' da boots with her again, well...he'd basically be the best manipulator in the history of reality television. On the other hand, if he took her on a one-on-one date just so he could dump her away from the other ladies so she couldn't flip out in front of them and let them all know how he hit it and quit it, well then there's a special place in hell for him as the Devil's personal advisor.
First, let's go on a group date that involves Kat saying one of the dumbest line's of all time: "I just rolled down a hill in a large ball with Juan Pablo?" Kat, Cassandra, and Chelsie bring absolutely no substantive conversation to the table. I'd be ok with all of them going home. As if to illustrate my point, Chelsie says that New Zealand reminds her of Ohio, except that they don't have hills." So, nothing like Ohio aside from a few cows. I picture everyone at the Ohio Tourism Board high fiving each other as they realize their new slogan is "Visit Ohio - like New Zealand without hills!" One of the girls says "I thought we were just going to have a nice quiet picnic, but nope, we're going to be rolling down a hill in an Ogo!" Good thing they all wore bikini's under their picnic clothes! Yeah, no clue you'd be doing anything other than picnicking. While it does look like it's fun, it doesn't look like one of those bucket list type of event that you HAVE to do while you're in New Zealand. It's one of those things that'd be just as fun in Columbus, Ohio as it would be in Rotrua, New Zealand. Except of course there wouldn't be a hill to roll down there, so never mind. Also, it costs $40 per trip down the hill.
Hobbit time! I was just kind of kidding about it being the land of Hobbits, but actually pretty cool that they are hanging out in the Shire. First Hobbit-solo time goes to Renee, and they kiss - a lot. Up next is Nikki. She tells him this journey is hard, but he's making it easier. Then they kiss - a lot. Sharleen tells Juan Pablo...well she says hi, then he kisses her - a lot. Then he finally lets her come up for ai...nope, he's kissing her again. I swear to god he's like one of those dogs that gets so worked up he starts humping the air because there's not a leg close enough to hop on.
Cassandra the birthday girl gets her one on one time, and she gets pretty sentimental and emotional. I take it back, she can bring a little substance to a conversation. She actually was pretty well spoken there. However, she didn't get a kiss. Based on what happened with the other girls, it's not looking good for her. Renee actually goes so far as to say that she wants Cassandra to win if it's not her. Sharleen gets the rose, and then he pulls Cassandra aside. "He's probably telling her happy birthday," says Nikki, trying to convince herself. Nope. Juan Pablo is dumping her on her birthday on a group date. Harsh. He could've just waited two more days and let her go organically. WAY TO RUIN HER BIRTHDAY, JUAN PABLO! She's only had 22 of them, way to taint almost 5% of her total birthdays. Single parents are really handicapped on this show. They're the easiest to dump, all that you have to say is that you can't keep them away from their child any longer. Nothing like walking into a room of women and telling them you just dumped their roommate on her birthday. THAT SHOULD GO WELL. He says he had to send her home because he didn't see a future with her and it wasn't fair to keep her one more day. Could he have seen it before he rolled down a hill in a bikini with her, but not after? Ugh.
Nothing to cheer up Juan Pablo like a little Skype-time with Camilla. Good way to prep for alone time with Claire....especially if our intrepid air-humper wants to keep it in his pants around Claire - his underwear's kryptonite. I'll give Juan Pablo a little credit for saying that it was "his mistake" but I'm not entirely sure if he's apologizing for the ocean hook-up or for her not understanding his reaction. They talk so more, and now it's clear he's apologizing for the misunderstanding. Claire smartly presses him for boundaries, and he starts to explain that he's never kissed a girl or held hands with a girl in front of his daughter. Um.....what? This should send up a huge red flag for anyone dating Juan Pablo. It says he's either hung up on his ex or completely averse to commitment of any kind.
Claire says he took her being pouty like a man, and then said the fact that he loves his daughter is a quality not every man has, and that makes her want him to father her babies. Let's throw on some sweats and hang out! I'm confused as to how Juan Pablo knows what Hammer Pants are, but doesn't understand the term "I was ready to bolt." He gives Claire a rose, and so at least he didn't dump her. There was no implied sex this time, but plenty of kissing again. Safe are Claire, Andi, and Sharleen....let's send somebody home!
Cassandra already got sent home, so I'm assuming only one more is hitting the road. My money is on Kat, if only because she's the only non-Cassandra girl not to get an on-screen kiss this week. However, Sharleen and her "I can't decide if I'm too good for the bachelor or not" personality might torpedo that idea. The girls are all tight-lipped, and Juan Pablo isn't getting much interaction from the ladies. He's not digging the vibe. He pulls Nikki aside first, and he just out of nowhere lets her know that he's wearing pink underwear. Ooof. They then alternate between inane flirting and serious "this is what I want out of life" conversation. Also, they kiss a lot....but not in front of Camilla, because that would be bad.
Renee is up next, and she's scared because she knows that he could pull the kid card at any time. She's right, but then again, he's not going off both the single moms in the same week. He then praises Renee for the way she talks about her son, which could also be seen as an insult to Cassandra - did she not light up as much when she talked about her son? - but whatever. He makes out with Renee. Again. I know that every bachelor/bachelorette makes out with their suitors a lot, but my goodness Juan Pablo seems to be raising the bar to a whole new level.
Chelsie is a fast-talker. She's super nervous and not making much sense, and Juan Pablo has a look like he's not listening to her at all. Of course he says he understands her completely, then gives her a kiss on the cheek. NOT GOOD CHELSIE.
Kat gets her chance, and she talks about her journal. Or at least she starts talking about that, and then goes into how her dad was so drunk that she had to crawl into her sister's crib to calm her down. That is an awful story, and I can totally see how that would screw you up for life. I was a little skeptical about Kat possibly exaggerating her sob story, but now I take it back She also doesn't get a kiss. Clearly it's either Chelsie or Kat.
Juan Pablo says he thinks his wife is one of the girls in the room....but who? Renee and Nikki get roses, as expected, and the last rose goes to........Chelsie! No need to back to Ohiozealand yet! Kat and her daddy issues are going to need some serious therapy. I can't imagine how messed up it must be to share something so personal and get dumped a few hours later. No wonder she doesn't trust men.
Sharleen is really having conflicting emotions, and she's not sure that she can take it anymore...but she's going to take a trip to Miami to make her decision. I'll make the decision for her....she should go home now. Even if they got engaged, there's no way they'd make it to the altar.
Enough Bacheloring - is curling on yet?
Ok, back to Juan Pablo's quest for
The girls are all convinced that Juan Pablo is their lobster with the exception of Claire, who is still confused as hell as to why a guy would sleep with her and then say that it was a bad idea and that she made things weird for him with his daughter. I'm with you Claire. It's like drinking an insane amount of alcohol, puking, then getting mad at Captain Morgan. What'd you think was going to happen, Juan Pablo? This situation is a little different, because he probably could blame Captain Morgan for his impaired judgement, but, like my father used to say "when you seek the advice of pirates, don't be surprised when you end up plundering some nice townsfolk." (Ok, he didn't say this, but Dale Lasselle is a man of surprising wisdom.)
Andi gets the first one on one, much to Claire's dismay. She feels like this would have been the perfect chance to get back on track with Juan Pablo, but I think the problem is that the train was riding a little too smoothly on the rails for Mr. Galavais, amirite?
Cassandra "never expected" Andi to get a one on one date? Why? Strange statement. She then has a little mommy-to-mommy chatter with Renee about how great it is that Juan Pablo is invested in both her happiness and the happiness of her child. Complete bullcrap, because he's never met the kid. It's amazing to me that any parent would be so cavalier with their child's wellbeing. "Oh he says he wants to do right by my son that he's never met, he cares so much about him!" I wonder how she'd feel if Juan Pablo said "hey, lemme take your son whom I've never met to the zoo for the day to get to know him." We'd find out how much she trusted JP then. Because if you can't trust a guy who's telling eight women at once how much he's into them with your son, who can you trust?
Date time....Andi's ready to rock in her white leggings and flannel shirt. White pants while in a jet boat? No way those things are coming back clean. I'm embarrassed that my first thought about her outfit was that she might get it dirty, but I had a pair of white warmup pants once that I thought were super awesome until I wore them outside for the first time. I opened the car door and all the dirt just wiped off on my pants and never left again.....EVER. Good thing she's got a swimsuit on underneath! Time to swim/walk/piggyback our way through a tiny crevasse towards god knows what. I'm half expecting them to pop out in a lost world filled with dinosaurs and other long extinct animals.
Andi is impressed that Juan Pablo is helping her over rocks. Is this really all it takes to impress a lady anymore? What asshole guy is going to say "sorry, you find your own way over the rocks honey." Or do those little gestures go a lot further when you have washer board abs and speak in a sultry Latin accent? Also, I find it hard to believe that it was all that treacherous when a dude with a giant HD camera is following right behind you, without the aid of a shirtless Venezuelan. You hear that JP? A REAL MAN would've helped the camera dude too!
After some of the most hardcore making out we've ever seen on the show (I've seen carpets have less contact with floors), Juan Pablo toasts to a long wait and a great first date in New Zealand. Andi says that "it's like a fantasy-land to be in New Zealand in front of a geyser kissing a guy I'm starting to really like!" No, Andi, it IS a fantasy land. I love how surprised they are that a geyser got them wet and "ruined their dinner." This was a total plan by ABC and/or Juan Pablo to cut short the talky-talky time and get more kissy kissy going on. If I could subtitle this date, it would say:
Juan Pablo: Talking is so boring when our belly buttons aren't touching. It's like what's the point?"
Andi: "Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the tingly sensation in my loins."
Big surprise, she gets the rose.
Looks like Claire's gonna get that chance to get back on the rails with Juan Pablo, because he selected her for the other one on one date this week. If he ends up talking things out with her, making her feel comfortable again and then knockin' da boots with her again, well...he'd basically be the best manipulator in the history of reality television. On the other hand, if he took her on a one-on-one date just so he could dump her away from the other ladies so she couldn't flip out in front of them and let them all know how he hit it and quit it, well then there's a special place in hell for him as the Devil's personal advisor.
First, let's go on a group date that involves Kat saying one of the dumbest line's of all time: "I just rolled down a hill in a large ball with Juan Pablo?" Kat, Cassandra, and Chelsie bring absolutely no substantive conversation to the table. I'd be ok with all of them going home. As if to illustrate my point, Chelsie says that New Zealand reminds her of Ohio, except that they don't have hills." So, nothing like Ohio aside from a few cows. I picture everyone at the Ohio Tourism Board high fiving each other as they realize their new slogan is "Visit Ohio - like New Zealand without hills!" One of the girls says "I thought we were just going to have a nice quiet picnic, but nope, we're going to be rolling down a hill in an Ogo!" Good thing they all wore bikini's under their picnic clothes! Yeah, no clue you'd be doing anything other than picnicking. While it does look like it's fun, it doesn't look like one of those bucket list type of event that you HAVE to do while you're in New Zealand. It's one of those things that'd be just as fun in Columbus, Ohio as it would be in Rotrua, New Zealand. Except of course there wouldn't be a hill to roll down there, so never mind. Also, it costs $40 per trip down the hill.
Hobbit time! I was just kind of kidding about it being the land of Hobbits, but actually pretty cool that they are hanging out in the Shire. First Hobbit-solo time goes to Renee, and they kiss - a lot. Up next is Nikki. She tells him this journey is hard, but he's making it easier. Then they kiss - a lot. Sharleen tells Juan Pablo...well she says hi, then he kisses her - a lot. Then he finally lets her come up for ai...nope, he's kissing her again. I swear to god he's like one of those dogs that gets so worked up he starts humping the air because there's not a leg close enough to hop on.
Cassandra the birthday girl gets her one on one time, and she gets pretty sentimental and emotional. I take it back, she can bring a little substance to a conversation. She actually was pretty well spoken there. However, she didn't get a kiss. Based on what happened with the other girls, it's not looking good for her. Renee actually goes so far as to say that she wants Cassandra to win if it's not her. Sharleen gets the rose, and then he pulls Cassandra aside. "He's probably telling her happy birthday," says Nikki, trying to convince herself. Nope. Juan Pablo is dumping her on her birthday on a group date. Harsh. He could've just waited two more days and let her go organically. WAY TO RUIN HER BIRTHDAY, JUAN PABLO! She's only had 22 of them, way to taint almost 5% of her total birthdays. Single parents are really handicapped on this show. They're the easiest to dump, all that you have to say is that you can't keep them away from their child any longer. Nothing like walking into a room of women and telling them you just dumped their roommate on her birthday. THAT SHOULD GO WELL. He says he had to send her home because he didn't see a future with her and it wasn't fair to keep her one more day. Could he have seen it before he rolled down a hill in a bikini with her, but not after? Ugh.
Nothing to cheer up Juan Pablo like a little Skype-time with Camilla. Good way to prep for alone time with Claire....especially if our intrepid air-humper wants to keep it in his pants around Claire - his underwear's kryptonite. I'll give Juan Pablo a little credit for saying that it was "his mistake" but I'm not entirely sure if he's apologizing for the ocean hook-up or for her not understanding his reaction. They talk so more, and now it's clear he's apologizing for the misunderstanding. Claire smartly presses him for boundaries, and he starts to explain that he's never kissed a girl or held hands with a girl in front of his daughter. Um.....what? This should send up a huge red flag for anyone dating Juan Pablo. It says he's either hung up on his ex or completely averse to commitment of any kind.
Claire says he took her being pouty like a man, and then said the fact that he loves his daughter is a quality not every man has, and that makes her want him to father her babies. Let's throw on some sweats and hang out! I'm confused as to how Juan Pablo knows what Hammer Pants are, but doesn't understand the term "I was ready to bolt." He gives Claire a rose, and so at least he didn't dump her. There was no implied sex this time, but plenty of kissing again. Safe are Claire, Andi, and Sharleen....let's send somebody home!
Cassandra already got sent home, so I'm assuming only one more is hitting the road. My money is on Kat, if only because she's the only non-Cassandra girl not to get an on-screen kiss this week. However, Sharleen and her "I can't decide if I'm too good for the bachelor or not" personality might torpedo that idea. The girls are all tight-lipped, and Juan Pablo isn't getting much interaction from the ladies. He's not digging the vibe. He pulls Nikki aside first, and he just out of nowhere lets her know that he's wearing pink underwear. Ooof. They then alternate between inane flirting and serious "this is what I want out of life" conversation. Also, they kiss a lot....but not in front of Camilla, because that would be bad.
Renee is up next, and she's scared because she knows that he could pull the kid card at any time. She's right, but then again, he's not going off both the single moms in the same week. He then praises Renee for the way she talks about her son, which could also be seen as an insult to Cassandra - did she not light up as much when she talked about her son? - but whatever. He makes out with Renee. Again. I know that every bachelor/bachelorette makes out with their suitors a lot, but my goodness Juan Pablo seems to be raising the bar to a whole new level.
Chelsie is a fast-talker. She's super nervous and not making much sense, and Juan Pablo has a look like he's not listening to her at all. Of course he says he understands her completely, then gives her a kiss on the cheek. NOT GOOD CHELSIE.
Kat gets her chance, and she talks about her journal. Or at least she starts talking about that, and then goes into how her dad was so drunk that she had to crawl into her sister's crib to calm her down. That is an awful story, and I can totally see how that would screw you up for life. I was a little skeptical about Kat possibly exaggerating her sob story, but now I take it back She also doesn't get a kiss. Clearly it's either Chelsie or Kat.
Juan Pablo says he thinks his wife is one of the girls in the room....but who? Renee and Nikki get roses, as expected, and the last rose goes to........Chelsie! No need to back to Ohiozealand yet! Kat and her daddy issues are going to need some serious therapy. I can't imagine how messed up it must be to share something so personal and get dumped a few hours later. No wonder she doesn't trust men.
Sharleen is really having conflicting emotions, and she's not sure that she can take it anymore...but she's going to take a trip to Miami to make her decision. I'll make the decision for her....she should go home now. Even if they got engaged, there's no way they'd make it to the altar.
Enough Bacheloring - is curling on yet?
Monday, February 3, 2014
Bachelor Week 5 - Juan Pablo is a Grande A-Hole. Mucho Grande.
Vietnam! We continue our tour of Asia, and it looks like the humidity is starting to wreak havoc on our ladies hair. Also, apparently Juan goes to second base with Claire? So much for taking it slow and not looking like a sleaze bag for CAMEEEEEEEELA! Since his self proclaimed nookie ban lasted all of one conversation with a girl he was planning on getting rid of anyways, is he free to make out with anyone? He's kissed six women, there's eleven left....that's only 17 total (assuming no repeat smooches) which is under his threshold for embarrassing his daughter. He's good to go.
First up is Renee, who is so excited to get a one on date that her palms hurt. Not "are sweaty", they hurt. Is this a common reaction? I know that when I met Rachel, I knew I was really into her because my ankle started clicking, but sore palms?
That's a total joke, I have never felt any pain on account of my feelings for Rachel. Sarcasm is tough to convey sometimes.
Anyways, Renee is ready to head out for her group date and the girls fake being supportive, saying things like "good luck" and "cute shorts!" I'm guessing they really meant, "hope to see you at The Women Tell All Special in a few weeks" and "ugh those shorts are so not made for someone with her hip structure!" Girls suck.
"Renee's so cuuuuuuuuute" Juan Pablo croons. This guy gets more and more sleazy the more I see of him. He's excited to have a good date and eat some weird stuff. But first, Renee, you sit in a stroller for adults and Juan will pedal push you like a little kid. How awkward. Juan takes her to a dress shop, where he's going to get Renee into a form fitting dress which apparently is a metaphor for him seeing if they fit well together. "Ooooh thirty-six!" Juan Pablo drawls as a lady takes her measurements. What a perv. At least he got her a fan because she was sweaty. I'm not sure if it's because he was sympathetic to her being hot, or that he didn't want her being all stank while he's rubbing up on her later. Renee seems to have a good head on her shoulders except when she's around Juan Pablo. When he suggests looking for gifts for their kids, she melts as if this is a hugely kindhearted gesture. I don't know a single parent that wouldn't look for a gift for their children while they were traveling without them. It's almost expected of parents - you're slacking on your parental duties if you're not bringing home a Vietnamese stuffed animal in your carry-on guys.
In any event, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Juan is really looking forward to dinner - or maybe it's just see Renee in her custom dress! To show how far off they are on this date, when she does show up in the dress, Renee says "he pulls me into this hug that is so sweet and sincere" while Juan Pablo meows at her and gushes about how hot she looks.
Getting into dinner, Juan wants to know about her baby daddy. She kind of brushes off the question, saying only that they were young and grew apart. She does mention that their relationship is good now, but also throws in that they "make it work" for Ben. Renee really wants a kiss, leaning in and closing her eyes, but Juan Pablo just brushes the hair out of her face. She's getting the Lauren treatment so far!
Back at the house Andi finds out she's on another group date, and she's pissed. "How long to I have to wait?" she moans. It's funny, because it reminds me of moaning about getting a raise of only $1,000 - sure you were hoping for more, but at the end of the day, you're still getting more money and are still employed.
Renee gets the rose, but not really the make-out session she's hoping for - yet. Juan says he's shutting Renee down because her son will see this and have all sorts of questions. Apparently his daughter is still not old enough to comprehend him making out with multiple women so it's OK for him to kiss a bunch of single ladies, but out of respect for the single mom, he can't allow her to kiss one guy. Nevermind the fact that this date happened MONTHS ago and undoubtedly if Renee's still around Juan Pablo has met the freaking kid. Renee's days may be numbered here - eventually she's going to have a Lauren-level freak out on the guy, and we saw what happened to her.
Time for the group date, and let's hop in giant coconut shell boats! Everyone goes two to a boat, and nobody wants to be Claire's partner, so Juan Pablo takes her as his first mate. Of course they get "stuck" in a grove of trees and so Juan Pablo takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down her throat, almost toppling the boat. His duplicity with how he doles out kisses is awful.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Nikki quips "I'm glad I'm on the one on one date, because if I was on another group date and didn't get the rose....that's stupid, I always do!" I don't care if it was staged, that was kind of funny.
Back on the group date, the girls are put to work in a community garden. Andi is pouting and off by herself, which if history has taught us anything, will probably result in her getting the group date rose....that is assuming nobody else is off pouting. As they eat the dinner (how hilarious would it be if they slipped some octopus into Claire's meal and didn't mention it to her?) the girls all bitch about how much time Juan spent with Claire in the coconut boat, but in a jokey way so he thinks they really don't care all that much. He seems perfectly content with this, and Claire certainly isn't complaining. Juan toasts the women, and then squires off Claire for the first one-on-one time. This is not sitting well with the girls at all, who spend their entire time wondering if Juan Pablo has gotten to second base with Claire. Meanwhile, Juan says he's looking for a girl who loves him and his daughter, is smart, pretty, funny and mature. So basically what everyone is looking for.
He then takes her back to his suite. Can we put the ring on her finger now? Unless he's doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on the other girls to see how they react to him having other interests...in which case most of them are failing. I also loved how she claims that Juan Pablo is "melting the ice queen." Has she EVER given the impression she was an ice queen. Sharleen and her amazing back (which has gotten more airtime than just about any body part on this show other than Sean Lowe's abs) go next, and she's determined to show Juan Pablo that she's a "panda in a room full of brown bears." This is my new favorite analogy, especially because brown bears about about a thousand times cooler than panda bears. You ever see a panda bear do this?
Andi also gets some smooch-time, and suddenly she's back to feeling like things are good between her and JP. Until of course Claire is awarded the rose - now she's convinced he's an assbag again. Again, what did you think was going to happen on this show????? How is it that women are never prepared for the reality that you're not going to be the only one he spends time with/kisses? Drives me insane.
Date's over, and the girls are back at the house decompressing after the date....but Claire's feeling tired and she's off to bed. PSYCHE LADIES I'M GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH YO MAN!!!! Ok, I guess they're keeping their clothes on. But she seductively asks Juan Pablo to go out in the ocean with her, and of course Juan Pablo, being the fake douchebag he is, claims he's going to do this because he doesn't want Claire to feel uncomfortable. I assume this means that he doesn't want to send her mixed signals by making out with her, giving her a rose, and then turning her down for a little midnight hanky panky in the ocean. Again, he has no problem making the other girls feel uncomfortable by letting Claire monopolize his time and doing a little coconut-boat tongue wrestling whilst the other girls are in his midst. This is all about Juan Pablo. But then again, can you blame him? He's got two dozen gorgeous ladies vying for him and ABC turning him into the 21st century Fabio.
Nikki's ready for her date, and she looks like she's ready to play a round of tennis with Steffi Graf. What's up with headband? Juan Pablo says he had a great time with Claire last night (apparently the other 8 ladies didn't register at all) but he's looking forward to seeing Nikki today, because, "she's sexy too." Your daughter is learning SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, GALAVAIS!!
Time for another one on one extreme date! This time we're repelling into Hell. Shockingly, Nikki is afraid of heights. What a coincidence that Juan Pablo picked her for this specific date! Nikki sees only three possible outcomes of this experience: Live, die, or poop her pants. Got that everyone? Pooping your pants is some sort of purgatory between living and dying. Will she be the first person to turn down an extreme event? Nope! This is like falling in love, because she's just got to go for it! Good thing Juan Pablo is there to pat her on the ass and tell her he's right there. Time to fast forward to them at the bottom.....oh no wait it's time to make out on the side of a cliff! Now that she's got an injection of some Venezuelan saliva with its mystical courage powers, she can make it to the bottom! Give me another dose of that magic spit, Juan Pablo!
The recap the date, and to be honest, they do sound like a couple that just had sex for the first time. "Looking back, I can't believe I did that...but I'd do it again, and maybe I'd be better the next time," Nikki says. "You weren't bad," Juan Pablo coos. "You had quite the view, didn't you?" Nikki purrs. Ugh kill me now. I hope your parents break in on your next cave jump you horndogs. Moving on, Juan Pablo asks her for what seems like the 40th time about her being a pediatric nurse. She of course loves the attention he's showing her, claiming that in her last relationship her boyfriend wasn't interested in her. How long did this relationship last, because I hope it wasn't long. And if it wasn't long, I'm wondering why it's even worth mentioning. She gets the rose. I don't know what the stats are on one-on-one dates resulting in a rose, but it's gotta be north of 90%. Juan Pablo loves her heart, but he seems to think it's in her mouth, because he's inspecting that like it could hold the secret to curing cancer. "This is a potential wife" he says, because that's what we all think while making out with a girl in a mini-dress in a cave in Vietnam.
Juan Pablo lowers the boom on the ladies, saying he's sending home 3 of them tonight. With three already safe, that leaves eight women vying for the five roses. My predictions are Danielle, Alli (who is definitely not the same as Andi although you could've fooled me) and Chelsie. Andi gets her alone time and they have a little serious talk before she wants him to lighten the mood by saying something funny in Spanish. Juan says "give me a little kiss" which isn't funny at all, and is really a way to not talk anymore, but she concedes and then goes all Oliver Twist and pleads "please sir can I have another?" Ugh.
Renee finally gets her kiss, but she has to basically demand it by saying her son is a very mature eight year old. My wife says "she's definitely my favorite, probably because she's old an a mom." I kind of agree, in that she's the one I can most relate to. Her giddiness seems sort of genuine in that "I've been focusing all my time and energy on my son lately and it feels so good to get some me time with a sexy Venezuelan!" way.
If Juan Pablo's saliva gives ladies courage, apparently Renee's spit gives Juan Pablo a sense of morality. All of a sudden NOW he thinks he might have maybe been taking things a little too far with Claire and feels the need to tell her that she needs to back off a little bit, citing how his daughter will view it. This might be the biggest dick move of all time - putting this on Claire. Claire didn't coerce him into that ocean. Claire didn't beg him to take her back to his suite. HE did these things knowing full well his daughter was going to eventually see them one day. This is a little like buying a super expensive outfit, wearing it to a party and sweating all over it, but keeping the tag on so you can return it once you're done using it. Congrats Claire, you're a tux from Mr. Formal on prom night, and Juan Pablo just blamed you for the creamy alfredo sauce he spilled on you.
I hate how these girls all feel like they've made mistakes when the Bachelor pulls this hypocritical crap on them. Even when Claire rightly asks him why he said yes if this was how he was going to react, and he flips it on her and basically says "you left me no choice because you were so happy and had all that positive emotion pouring out of you, I couldn't say no. YOU MADE ME SHAME MYSELF IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES YOU HUSSY!" You're dead to me, Juan Pablo. I take back every nice thing I ever said about your deceptively charming self. Worse, you made Claire - the closest thing we have to a villain on this season - a sympathetic character! I have nobody left to root against, except for maybe you. But if you lose, then all the ladies lose too. You're messing with established story lines here, Pabs. I do not approve.
Rose Ceremony time, and he kept Cassandra, Sharleen the Panda, Chelsie (missed this one), Kat, and Andi. So I was right about Alli and Danielle, but Dog Lover Kelly gets the axe in Chelsie's place. Two out of three right, but then again, those were the obvious two in that nobody was really sure who in the hell they were the whole season. If he's crying when he sends home these three relatively anonymous people, how awful are the next few weeks going to be?
First up is Renee, who is so excited to get a one on date that her palms hurt. Not "are sweaty", they hurt. Is this a common reaction? I know that when I met Rachel, I knew I was really into her because my ankle started clicking, but sore palms?
That's a total joke, I have never felt any pain on account of my feelings for Rachel. Sarcasm is tough to convey sometimes.
Anyways, Renee is ready to head out for her group date and the girls fake being supportive, saying things like "good luck" and "cute shorts!" I'm guessing they really meant, "hope to see you at The Women Tell All Special in a few weeks" and "ugh those shorts are so not made for someone with her hip structure!" Girls suck.
"Renee's so cuuuuuuuuute" Juan Pablo croons. This guy gets more and more sleazy the more I see of him. He's excited to have a good date and eat some weird stuff. But first, Renee, you sit in a stroller for adults and Juan will pedal push you like a little kid. How awkward. Juan takes her to a dress shop, where he's going to get Renee into a form fitting dress which apparently is a metaphor for him seeing if they fit well together. "Ooooh thirty-six!" Juan Pablo drawls as a lady takes her measurements. What a perv. At least he got her a fan because she was sweaty. I'm not sure if it's because he was sympathetic to her being hot, or that he didn't want her being all stank while he's rubbing up on her later. Renee seems to have a good head on her shoulders except when she's around Juan Pablo. When he suggests looking for gifts for their kids, she melts as if this is a hugely kindhearted gesture. I don't know a single parent that wouldn't look for a gift for their children while they were traveling without them. It's almost expected of parents - you're slacking on your parental duties if you're not bringing home a Vietnamese stuffed animal in your carry-on guys.
In any event, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Juan is really looking forward to dinner - or maybe it's just see Renee in her custom dress! To show how far off they are on this date, when she does show up in the dress, Renee says "he pulls me into this hug that is so sweet and sincere" while Juan Pablo meows at her and gushes about how hot she looks.
Getting into dinner, Juan wants to know about her baby daddy. She kind of brushes off the question, saying only that they were young and grew apart. She does mention that their relationship is good now, but also throws in that they "make it work" for Ben. Renee really wants a kiss, leaning in and closing her eyes, but Juan Pablo just brushes the hair out of her face. She's getting the Lauren treatment so far!
Back at the house Andi finds out she's on another group date, and she's pissed. "How long to I have to wait?" she moans. It's funny, because it reminds me of moaning about getting a raise of only $1,000 - sure you were hoping for more, but at the end of the day, you're still getting more money and are still employed.
Renee gets the rose, but not really the make-out session she's hoping for - yet. Juan says he's shutting Renee down because her son will see this and have all sorts of questions. Apparently his daughter is still not old enough to comprehend him making out with multiple women so it's OK for him to kiss a bunch of single ladies, but out of respect for the single mom, he can't allow her to kiss one guy. Nevermind the fact that this date happened MONTHS ago and undoubtedly if Renee's still around Juan Pablo has met the freaking kid. Renee's days may be numbered here - eventually she's going to have a Lauren-level freak out on the guy, and we saw what happened to her.
Time for the group date, and let's hop in giant coconut shell boats! Everyone goes two to a boat, and nobody wants to be Claire's partner, so Juan Pablo takes her as his first mate. Of course they get "stuck" in a grove of trees and so Juan Pablo takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down her throat, almost toppling the boat. His duplicity with how he doles out kisses is awful.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Nikki quips "I'm glad I'm on the one on one date, because if I was on another group date and didn't get the rose....that's stupid, I always do!" I don't care if it was staged, that was kind of funny.
Back on the group date, the girls are put to work in a community garden. Andi is pouting and off by herself, which if history has taught us anything, will probably result in her getting the group date rose....that is assuming nobody else is off pouting. As they eat the dinner (how hilarious would it be if they slipped some octopus into Claire's meal and didn't mention it to her?) the girls all bitch about how much time Juan spent with Claire in the coconut boat, but in a jokey way so he thinks they really don't care all that much. He seems perfectly content with this, and Claire certainly isn't complaining. Juan toasts the women, and then squires off Claire for the first one-on-one time. This is not sitting well with the girls at all, who spend their entire time wondering if Juan Pablo has gotten to second base with Claire. Meanwhile, Juan says he's looking for a girl who loves him and his daughter, is smart, pretty, funny and mature. So basically what everyone is looking for.
He then takes her back to his suite. Can we put the ring on her finger now? Unless he's doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on the other girls to see how they react to him having other interests...in which case most of them are failing. I also loved how she claims that Juan Pablo is "melting the ice queen." Has she EVER given the impression she was an ice queen. Sharleen and her amazing back (which has gotten more airtime than just about any body part on this show other than Sean Lowe's abs) go next, and she's determined to show Juan Pablo that she's a "panda in a room full of brown bears." This is my new favorite analogy, especially because brown bears about about a thousand times cooler than panda bears. You ever see a panda bear do this?
Andi also gets some smooch-time, and suddenly she's back to feeling like things are good between her and JP. Until of course Claire is awarded the rose - now she's convinced he's an assbag again. Again, what did you think was going to happen on this show????? How is it that women are never prepared for the reality that you're not going to be the only one he spends time with/kisses? Drives me insane.
Date's over, and the girls are back at the house decompressing after the date....but Claire's feeling tired and she's off to bed. PSYCHE LADIES I'M GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH YO MAN!!!! Ok, I guess they're keeping their clothes on. But she seductively asks Juan Pablo to go out in the ocean with her, and of course Juan Pablo, being the fake douchebag he is, claims he's going to do this because he doesn't want Claire to feel uncomfortable. I assume this means that he doesn't want to send her mixed signals by making out with her, giving her a rose, and then turning her down for a little midnight hanky panky in the ocean. Again, he has no problem making the other girls feel uncomfortable by letting Claire monopolize his time and doing a little coconut-boat tongue wrestling whilst the other girls are in his midst. This is all about Juan Pablo. But then again, can you blame him? He's got two dozen gorgeous ladies vying for him and ABC turning him into the 21st century Fabio.
Nikki's ready for her date, and she looks like she's ready to play a round of tennis with Steffi Graf. What's up with headband? Juan Pablo says he had a great time with Claire last night (apparently the other 8 ladies didn't register at all) but he's looking forward to seeing Nikki today, because, "she's sexy too." Your daughter is learning SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, GALAVAIS!!
Time for another one on one extreme date! This time we're repelling into Hell. Shockingly, Nikki is afraid of heights. What a coincidence that Juan Pablo picked her for this specific date! Nikki sees only three possible outcomes of this experience: Live, die, or poop her pants. Got that everyone? Pooping your pants is some sort of purgatory between living and dying. Will she be the first person to turn down an extreme event? Nope! This is like falling in love, because she's just got to go for it! Good thing Juan Pablo is there to pat her on the ass and tell her he's right there. Time to fast forward to them at the bottom.....oh no wait it's time to make out on the side of a cliff! Now that she's got an injection of some Venezuelan saliva with its mystical courage powers, she can make it to the bottom! Give me another dose of that magic spit, Juan Pablo!
The recap the date, and to be honest, they do sound like a couple that just had sex for the first time. "Looking back, I can't believe I did that...but I'd do it again, and maybe I'd be better the next time," Nikki says. "You weren't bad," Juan Pablo coos. "You had quite the view, didn't you?" Nikki purrs. Ugh kill me now. I hope your parents break in on your next cave jump you horndogs. Moving on, Juan Pablo asks her for what seems like the 40th time about her being a pediatric nurse. She of course loves the attention he's showing her, claiming that in her last relationship her boyfriend wasn't interested in her. How long did this relationship last, because I hope it wasn't long. And if it wasn't long, I'm wondering why it's even worth mentioning. She gets the rose. I don't know what the stats are on one-on-one dates resulting in a rose, but it's gotta be north of 90%. Juan Pablo loves her heart, but he seems to think it's in her mouth, because he's inspecting that like it could hold the secret to curing cancer. "This is a potential wife" he says, because that's what we all think while making out with a girl in a mini-dress in a cave in Vietnam.
Juan Pablo lowers the boom on the ladies, saying he's sending home 3 of them tonight. With three already safe, that leaves eight women vying for the five roses. My predictions are Danielle, Alli (who is definitely not the same as Andi although you could've fooled me) and Chelsie. Andi gets her alone time and they have a little serious talk before she wants him to lighten the mood by saying something funny in Spanish. Juan says "give me a little kiss" which isn't funny at all, and is really a way to not talk anymore, but she concedes and then goes all Oliver Twist and pleads "please sir can I have another?" Ugh.
Renee finally gets her kiss, but she has to basically demand it by saying her son is a very mature eight year old. My wife says "she's definitely my favorite, probably because she's old an a mom." I kind of agree, in that she's the one I can most relate to. Her giddiness seems sort of genuine in that "I've been focusing all my time and energy on my son lately and it feels so good to get some me time with a sexy Venezuelan!" way.
If Juan Pablo's saliva gives ladies courage, apparently Renee's spit gives Juan Pablo a sense of morality. All of a sudden NOW he thinks he might have maybe been taking things a little too far with Claire and feels the need to tell her that she needs to back off a little bit, citing how his daughter will view it. This might be the biggest dick move of all time - putting this on Claire. Claire didn't coerce him into that ocean. Claire didn't beg him to take her back to his suite. HE did these things knowing full well his daughter was going to eventually see them one day. This is a little like buying a super expensive outfit, wearing it to a party and sweating all over it, but keeping the tag on so you can return it once you're done using it. Congrats Claire, you're a tux from Mr. Formal on prom night, and Juan Pablo just blamed you for the creamy alfredo sauce he spilled on you.
I hate how these girls all feel like they've made mistakes when the Bachelor pulls this hypocritical crap on them. Even when Claire rightly asks him why he said yes if this was how he was going to react, and he flips it on her and basically says "you left me no choice because you were so happy and had all that positive emotion pouring out of you, I couldn't say no. YOU MADE ME SHAME MYSELF IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES YOU HUSSY!" You're dead to me, Juan Pablo. I take back every nice thing I ever said about your deceptively charming self. Worse, you made Claire - the closest thing we have to a villain on this season - a sympathetic character! I have nobody left to root against, except for maybe you. But if you lose, then all the ladies lose too. You're messing with established story lines here, Pabs. I do not approve.
Rose Ceremony time, and he kept Cassandra, Sharleen the Panda, Chelsie (missed this one), Kat, and Andi. So I was right about Alli and Danielle, but Dog Lover Kelly gets the axe in Chelsie's place. Two out of three right, but then again, those were the obvious two in that nobody was really sure who in the hell they were the whole season. If he's crying when he sends home these three relatively anonymous people, how awful are the next few weeks going to be?
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