I was totally prepared to write a relatively snark-free recap of last night's events. I thought, for the first time in maybe the history of the entire Bachelor franchise, everyone handled themselves in a tasteful and non-idiotic manner. Then I found out that this was happening:
Really Sean? Really? You had me almost believing all your tears and your continued insistence that Catherine was the "love of your life" and how you couldn't wait to spend time with her and on and on and on. So, after putting your fiancee through the trials of a poly amorous dating scenario, then going into the ABC mandated months of sequestration while the show airs on TV, you finally get to spend time with her and your first move is to go on another reality show where you'll be dancing with an attractive blonde for hours a day while your bride-to-be sits on the sidelines cheering you on? My God man. I said last week that AshLee probably wasn't lying about him saying something to her about how he "didn't care" about the other girls (a sentiment echoed by contestant Selma in her blog) and this seems like another attempt to further the Sean "brand." Ugh. I guess now I know why he was strangely vague when Chris Harrison asked if Catherine was going to move to Dallas. His response of "well her bags are packed for whatever happens." Turns out they're going Hollywood to try and extend his 15 minutes. This might be the biggest reason that The Bachelor cranks out 10 failed relationships for every successful one - the fame that comes from being a pseudo-celebrity changes these people into someone who is unrecognizable from the person they allegedly fell in love with on the show. It would also explain why the quirky Ashley Hebert was able to find a love that at least made it to the altar - she was so dorky that fame couldn't change her. I hope that's the case for Sean and Catherine. They're self-admittedly dorks, so best of luck to them.
Recapping the episode quickly - Sean's dad made hearts melt all over the country. Sean spent all season telling girls exactly what they needed/wanted to hear regardless of the truth of such statements, and now we know where he got that gift from. His dad tells Catherine that he'd treat her as his own daughter and love her and be her biggest cheerleader. Did he know she had daddy issues? Was this coached by ABC? I don't know, but it was clearly the perfect thing to say to her. Likewise, he tells Lindsay that he's been praying for Sean's wife since THE DAY HE WAS BORN, and he now wonders if this girl sitting next to him is that woman he's been praying for. Major dad points for him.
Mom's a little less gung-ho about the situation and bursts into tears when talking to her baby boy about making this decision. Sean wraps his beefy arms around her like a python smothering a young lamb and says "don't cry mama, let's take a walk!" While I agree with mom that it seems strange that you're getting ready to propose and you don't know who the girl is going to be, there's nothing traditional about The Bachelor. Do you take Amazing Relationship Number One, or Amazing Relationship Number Two?
Also, his niece is named Kensington and his nephew's name is Smith. Are we sure we're watching The Bachelor and not Downton Abbey?
His dates with the girls are pretty mundane - spectacular views, elephant rides, talks of futures that may or may not materialize. The highlight of this for me was unquestionably Sean telling Lindsay as they floated down the river "That over there is Myanmar, and this over here is Thailand - THAT'S HOW CLOSE the countries are to each other." Do other countries have borders that are miles thick? Is there just unclaimed territory between the Texas and Mexico that belongs to no one. It's a good thing there was a river separating the two countries, had there just been an invisible line in the ground separating them, poor Lindsay's head would've been blown. It's a shame he didn't pick her...they could've honeymooned at the Four Corners and she could be dazzled by his geography skillz again. The highlight of Catherine's date was the matching elephant pants they wore while riding Dumbo. I had no clue that elephant pants were actually used for riding elephants - thanks Bachelor!
Of course Sean spent the next morning getting ready for his proposal ceremony - by standing on a balcony in a towel. Oh, and of course Neil Lane stopped by to drop off a 3.15 carat monster ring with no less that 165 diamonds on it. I loved that Sean bro-hugged Neil Lane - nothing screams mature, sincere, down to Earth guy like a 28 year old whose go-to greeting is the bro hug. Reminds me of the guy in the Nissan Altima commercial that goes into the homey handshake during an interview.
Lindsay and Catherine don dresses of silver and gold, respectively. A couple of my friends wondered if this was some sort of foreshadowing by the stylists to let us know who was finishing first and second, but that's giving the stylists too much credit. They had Sean wearing pastel tank tops all season for Christ's sake! Also, I'm no fashonista, but Catherine's dress was way better. Lindsay got the boot, handled it well and that was that. She did make the all too common mistake of asking "was it me??" Have a little self respect, girly! He kicked 24 other girls to the curb before telling you goodbye, you know you didn't do anything wrong. Don't go blaming yourself for his decisions.
I also need to touch briefly on "the letter." For weeks, we got ominous music over "the letter." Turns out it's a love letter from his future wife. I hate you ABC for pulling these stunts, but I hate myself more for falling for them. I had all sorts of scenarios running through my head, like, what if the letter said Catherine was out, and the "big announcement" during the final rose show was that he had hooked back up with two time loser Emily Maynard! Sadly it was not to be, as the "big announcement" was that their wedding would be televised. In other "big news" Myanmar and Thailand are still thisclose together.
The whole After the Final Rose thing was pointless. Chris Harrison just mails in those shows, and in another shocking announcement that shocked nobody, Desiree is our new Bachelorette! The only highlight of this was Chris Harrison asking AshLee if, now that she's watched the show, she could see why Sean picked Catherine and Lindsay over her. Yes, please tell us why you think you're not as good as the other two women, AshLee.
Thanks for slogging through another season of contrived romance with me people...see you all this summer!
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