Another day, another problem with my television service provider

At this point, my relationship with DirecTV is starting to resemble an Eminem song.  My love for DirecTV burned so hot initially, that despite the obvious flaws in DirecTV's character, I'm unwilling to end the relationship, and would rather murder it than set it free.  It's unhealthy.  Today might have been the last straw.  I might just tie my DirecTV to the bed and set the house on fire.

I woke up this morning, and like I've been doing most days this summer, fired up the Wii to watch an episode of Lost on Netflix.  When the episode was over, I went to shut everything off, but noticed that when I turned the TV off, the DirecTV receiver didn't shut off as it normally does when you hit the "all off" button on the remote.  After trying a couple times to shut it off, I assumed that the box had frozen (as it does from time to time) and went to unplug it.  Before doing so, I manually tried to shut the receiver off.  The button on the box worked, so now I know something is screwy with my remote.  I knew it wasn't the batteries, because it was still working for the TV.  I tried switching it to the DVD mode, but it wouldn't control that either.  That's when I noticed that the screen said "This button only works in DirecTV mode.  Your remote is in TV mode."  So basically the little toggle thingy that switches what device the remote uses is broken and will only control the TV regardless of what position it's actually in.  So I call DirecTV.  Here's a rough transcript of the conversation.  DirecTV's comments are in Blue, Mine are in Black, and what I was thinking but didn't actually say is in Red.

Automated Voice (AV):  Thank you for calling DirecTV.  Are you currently a subscriber?  Say yes or no
Me:  Yes.
AV: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you.  Let's try again.  Are you currently a subscriber?  Say yes or no.
Me: YES.
AV:  I'm still not getting this.  Let's try using your phone.  Press one if you are a current subscriber (I push one).  Great!  I have your phone number as 541-926-8257.  If this is the number associated with the account, please press one.  (I do again).  Great!  Now please tell me why you are calling.
Me:  My remote no longer works.
AV:  You are having problems with your remote.  Usually remote problems can be solved by following a few simple steps.  Would you like to try?
Me (wondering why it could understand my remote statement but not "YES"):  Sure
AV:  Have you changed the batteries in your remote recently?
Me:  No
AV:  Would you like to try now?
Me:  No
AV:  Ok, Does the remote work in DVD mode?
Me:  No
AV:  Would you like to reprogram your remote?
Me:  No
AV:  Please hold
(At this point I'm transferred to an actual person, whom we will call AP)
AP:  Thanks for calling DirecTV, may I have the phone number associated with this account?
Me (wondering why she needs this, when the computer already had it):  541-926-8257
AP:  Andy Lasselle?
Me:  Yes, that's me.
AP:  Thank you for being a long time customer, Mr. Lasselle, what can I do for you?
Me:  The little switch on the remote that changes what device is controlled is broken, so I need a new remote.
AP:  Ok, and what makes you think that?
Are you serious?  I took the time out of my day to call you because I'm having a problem, and you're doubting my reason for calling?
Me:  Well, it will still control the TV, but nothing else, regardless of where the toggle switch is located.
AP:  Ok sir, well have you tried manually pressing the guide button on the receiver? 
Me:  No, but I tried the power button on the receiver, and that responded
AP:  But you didn't try the guide button?
No, because the power button works, so obviously the box is still working.  Why would I try every button on the thing?
Me:  Nope.  I will try it now though.  Yep, it works.
AP:  Ok, and what happens if you try to change the channel
Me:  I get a message saying that this button only works in DirecTV mode and my remote is currently in TV mode.
AP:  But you're saying that the remote is in DirecTV mode? 
Me:  Yes
AP:  So the toggle switch is all the way to the left?
Really?  I've been a subscriber for two and half years, you really don't think I know what position DirecTV mode is by this point?  Really? 
Me:  Yes.
AP:  Ok, it sounds like your remote is broken. So glad we had this entire conversation to end up exactly where we were five minutes ago when you answered the phone and asked what my problem is. I can order you a replacement remote.  That will be $15.
Me:  Wait, I have to pay for this?
AP:  Yes sir, it will be reflected on your next bill
Me:  Yeah, I don't think I'm going to pay this.  I've had to replace two boxes from you guys, now I have to replace a remote, and you want me to pay for it?  I'm thinking I'm going to just switch my service provider instead.
AP:  Well sir, I looks here like you don't have the protection plan on your account
Me:  That's because I don't have a protection plan.  Why in the hell would I pay $5/month for protection against a $15 remote?  Do they break more than once every 3 months?  A replacement box is $50, do those break more than once every 10 months?  If either of those statements are true, then I never should've signed on with you guys in the first place, you freaking swindlers!
AP:  Well sir, then you will have to purchase the remote.
Me:  Well, I'm not going to do that at this time.  I'm going to discuss with my wife if we want to change providers, and will be in touch with you.
AP:  Alright sir, is there anything else I can do for you today?
I was honestly surprised that they didn't just send me a free remote at this point.  If they're really willing to risk losing our $80/month over a $15 remote, I'm inclined to let them, even if it means paying Comcast slightly more a month for the same service. 
Me:  Nope.  I think you've done enough today
AP:  Alright Mr. Lasselle, you have a good day, and thank you for choosing DirecTV
I wish you could see the double middle fingers I'm giving the phone right now lady. 

At this point, I should say again that I'm not really upset with the lady that answered the phone.  It's not her fault that the remote broke.  It's not her fault that she has to ask for $15.  It's not her fault that I'm going to have to call back, say I want to cancel my service, then listen to them ask why, tell them because I don't want to pay $15 for a freaking remote, then have them make some bargain to keep me stay which will most likely work, and then everything is fine until something else breaks.  I really want to figure out a way to start my own telecommunications company that charges per channel, and people can hand pick every single channel they want, and say screw the rest.  I'm not even interested in making money....as long as I broke even, I'd be happy that other people were happy.  I hate the fact that in this country, every business touts their customer service to your face while slipping a hand into your pocket to steal a few dimes.  It's crap, and I detest it.  If my wife treated me the way television service providers do, I'd have probably left a long time ago.  And I'm not giving her $80 a month to stick around.  It's absurd.  Why do I put up with this bull crap?

Problem is that I love TV.  It's right behind family, friends, Costco hot dogs and Pepsi on my list of things that I love.  It might be above Costco hot dogs, although it's close.  Plus, I know that I'm choosing the lesser of two evils if I switch back to Comcast.  Actually, I might be choosing the greater of two evils if I go that way.  I'm so screwed.  I'm not saying I condone Eminem's lyrics, but I understand how he's feeling now.

California Girls (DJ AndySnacks remix)

I haven't been able to get the new California Girls (The spelling and grammar nazi in me can no longer spell it Gurls) song by Katy Perry out of my head.  In fact, I've spent a good part of the last week trying to come up with lyrics to make it about the State of Oregon.  I did my best, so listen to the song while you read my lyrics, and see what you think.

I'll be the first to admit that the Snoop Dogg part needs a little work.  It starts strong but falls apart.

Anyone want to help me put together a video for this thing and become YouTube sensations?

California Girls (DJ AndySnacks remix)

[Snoop Dogg]

Greetings loved ones
Let's drink a hefe.

[Katy Perry - Verse 1]
I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
cool, wet and mild
But not complainin’ bout the weather
Clothes fitting loose
Layering up to fight the sea breeze (In June)
The boys
could care less
only shaving once a week (At best)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh

Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Katy Perry - Verse 2]
Freeze on the beach
The best kept secret on the west coast
We sleep
In our Jeeps
we got Dave Matthews on the stereo (Oh oh)

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh


[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh

Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Snoop Dogg - Verse 3]

Two words:
Hybrid Prius
only drive it cause it runs the cleanest
Wild, wild West coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones
I mean like she's the one
Reduce
Re-use
Recycle, hon!

Just like her mama
She voted Obama
and owns a llama
it’s okay
I won't play
I love Coos Bay
Just like I love John Day
Cannon Beach
And Warm Springs
Summertime is everything

All them boys
come to watch
Don’t forget to look
for sasquatch
all the dammin’s impactin’
our salmon
it’s happenin’
from Seaside
to Brookings
Katy my lady
(Yeah)
You're lookin'here baby
(Uh huh)
I'm all up on you
Cause you represent all of Oregon
(Ohhh yeahh)

[Katy Perry - Chorus]

Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh

Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh



Snoop Dogg:

(Oregonian, Oregonian)
Oregon state girls man
I wish you all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregonians)
I really wish
You all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregon State, girls)

Ladies Night

So last night I watched The Bachelorette followed by a Lifetime World Premiere Movie "The Client List."  My gender has been called into question more than once about this, but let me just say that it was an enjoyable three hours of tv and I'm already married, so I'm way past trying to project an image of masculinity that isn't there.  I like crappy tv, I like pop music, I like Broadway musicals and I am heterosexual.  End of story.  Anyways, I know that a majority of the people that read my blog are female anyways, so why not cater to my audience, right?  One of my dream jobs would be to write snarky recaps of tv shows, so here's my attempt at two of the most entertaining shows I've watched in a long time.

THE BACHELORETTE

Is it possible to have two "guy has a girlfriend back home" episodes in the same season?  Having never watched The Bachelorette before, I thought it was highly unlikely that the producers dropped the ball on two contestants.  Maybe they didn't.  Maybe they knew that Ali had this irrational fear of guys not being honest with her, so they let these two guys on knowing that it'd wreck her emotionally and they'd be there with cameras rolling.  Ali is kind of like Cameron Diaz for me in that she's an "on paper" girl.  If you wrote out her characteristics and features on a piece of paper, she'd look like an ideal girlfriend.  Attractive, energetic, intelligent, motivated, etc.  All good qualities, with only minor negative ones (the insecurity thing).  Yet, for whatever reason, I can't stand her.  I think it's the "world revolves around me" vibe she gives off, which isn't entirely her fault.  After all, ABC did make a show about her dating 25 guys and then proceeded to fly her all over the world.  I can see how that'd go to your head.

Which brings me to Frank and his decision to leave the show to be with his (ex) girlfriend back home.  I expected  this episode to be the crown jewel in Frank's mission to be the biggest douche ever.  He's spent the entire series saying one thing and acting in an entirely opposite manner.  I was attributing this to some clever editing by the ABC folks, but maybe it's because he actually wasn't that interested in ending up with Ali from the get-go.  Don't get me wrong, Frank still is a douche, but I actually ended up siding more with him after the episode. 

Ali had a right to be pissed at Frank for not being up front with her about his feelings for the ex, but he was absolutely right in saying that he would've been roseless at a ceremony immediately following that nugget of info.  It's perfectly reasonable to be interested in two girls at the same time...even more than interested.  So it makes sense that he wouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with either girl until he knew what he wanted to do.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Ali's made a big deal about "risking everything for love" this season.  Well the word risk by its very definition means that it's not a sure thing. You might get hurt.  Frank chose another girl and she got hurt.

At this point, Ali goes into this long monologue about how, at a minimum, she expected these guys to be 100% committed to her.  Where does she get off saying this when she spends what looks like 8 straight hours making out with Roberto in a heart shaped lagoon one day, then swim-humps Chris clear across an oyster filled beach the next?  To say nothing of the fact that she made the comment that she was "so sure" that Frank was going to meet her family, which means that either Chris or Roberto was going to be eliminated.  So don't get on your high horse Ms. Fedotowsky, and act like you're the first person to get lied to on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  You've been lying to the guys all season.  You can't tell me that she doesn't have an idea of who she's going to eliminate before going on dates each week.  You never see her say "I gotta tell you Chris, you're running a solid third right now.  You really gotta show me something this week, or you're going home."  No, instead she invites multiple guys to fantasy suites for "alone time." 

Maybe Frank just leveraged his time on the Bachelorette to force his ex to realize her feelings for him and commit.  If so, it might be the most extravagant ploy in the history of dating.  In any event, I came away feeling worse for Frank having to tell a girl on camera that he loved someone else and then sit there while she cries, knowing anything that comes out of his mouth is going to make him sound even worse, forcing him to sit there like a statue while she rails about how he's the biggest jerk she's ever met.  Apparently she forgot about the Canadian wrestler who was involved with two women up north and was only on the show to promote his non-existent career.  Clearly Frank was a bigger jerk than him.

THE CLIENT LIST

In defense of my manhood, the previews for this movie showed a scantily clad Jennifer Love Hewitt talking with a bad southern accent.  This is like one of my adolescent fantasies come to life.  In prosecution of my manhood, it was on Lifetime, a channel that bills itself as "television for women."  We'll call it a draw.  In any event, I was beyond excited for this one.  You can never make too many "I was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons" movies. 

The movie followed your typical storyline:  Family is broke, mom takes a job as a masseuse only to find out she's actually taken a job as a whore, quits, can't pay for gas on the way home, begs for the prostitute position back, becomes the most successful hooker in Texas, nobody questions how a masseuse can make so much money, becomes so tired from having sex umpteen times a day that she has to turn to cocaine to help her daughter with her bake sale, relationships fray, cops eventually crack down and her life turns to shambles.  Seen it a thousand times.

What happened after the inevitable fall from grace was so ridiculous that it instantly became my favorite Lifetime movie of all time, narrowly edging out the movie about the pregnancy pact at the high school and the one where the lesser known Duff sister is a nanny for a family that is murdered and her brother is framed for it.  The moral of this movie seemed to be that it's ok to become a cocaine addicte hooker so long as you have a photographic memory and are willing to rat out your clientele for a reduced jail sentence.  It also helps to have a best friend who is a lawyer.  Oh, and you'll be able to quit cocaine cold turkey.  And all the wives of men you slept with will forgive you, as long as you show them some "tricks of the trade" to reignite their relationships with their hooker-using husbands.  Sure, your husband will leave you and take the kids, but if you share a birthday with your youngest daughter, he will forgive you at her birthday party because, hey, it's your birthday too, and it's easy to forgive someone on their birthday.

And now, Andy's random thoughts on marriage, brought to you by The Client List.

1. Clear major life decisions with your spouse.  You wouldn't buy a new car without checking with your husband first, so don't become a hooker without clearing it with him either. 
2. Joint checking accounts.  Get 'em. That way your husband can't go see a hooker. 
3. Don't ignore warning signs.  If your wife's a masseuse that works in until midnight, she might be a hooker.  If your wife starts losing weight, has violent mood swings, and develops dark circles around her eyes, she might be a hooker addicted to cocaine.  Don't ignore these things just because she bought you a motorcycle and paid off your mortgage as the world's most expensive masseuse. 
4. If the word "prostitution" comes up in your marriage, you need to get a divorce.  Unless you've gone through rule one.  If everyone's on board with the prostitution, then it's ok.  But if your husband is secretly visiting a prostitute, that's not his way of saying your relationship needs help.  If your wife is an actual prostitute who hid it from you for two years, there is no circumstance where you could ever trust her again.  Get out. 
5. Do not consult a prostitute for relationship advice.  Very, very bad idea all the way around.

Vacation all I ever wanted.....

Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than orginally planned. Took me almost two days of writing here and there during lulls in work. Enjoy!



Back at work after a relaxing week in Wisconsin.  Wisconsin isn't too bad as far as travel destinations go.  It was a little humid, and there were some mosquito issues, but you have those same problems in most tropical destinations as well.  "But Andy, there aren't any white sandy beaches in Wisconsin!" What's that you say?  Well, are there cheese curds in Hawaii?  Did your pig on a spit taste as good as my brat on the grill?  What say you now?

Wisconsin and Oregon are actually pretty similar in that neither state has a lot of cache nationally.  For instance, people in Oregon think Wisconsin is one giant dairy and that the people all talk funny and eat cheese all day.  People in Wisconsin pronounce Oregon "OR-UH-GONE" and don't think they need to know our state captiol because "who the hell cares about Oregon?" (That's actually the first thing my wife told me about Oregon upon us meeting for the first time.  She never could remember the capitol growing up because she never thought she'd ever need to know it.) 

A great illustration of this point happened when the county sheriff stopped by Rachel's parent's house campaigning for re-election last week.  He talked about all the great stuff the K9 program is doing, and then said that he hoped he had our votes.  Rachel's dad commented that he had his, but we were ineligible because we lived in Oregon, to which the sheriff replied "Oh OR-UH-GONE eh?  We took a vacation out there and it was great!  We went to Mt. St. Helens, which was amazing!"  Basically the best thing about our state to him was that it was close to a landmark in another state.  Kind of like if I had said "I visited Wisconsin once.  We went to Chicago, it was awesome!"

Also got to take in a Brewers game, which is always fun.  As part of a bachelor/bachelorette party for Rachel's sister and her fiance, we took a chartered bus to Milwaukee for the game against the Pirates last Saturday.  There's a special parking lot for the bus crowd, and if they do one thing well in Wisconsin, it's tailgate.  Out in Oregon, we tailgate for college football and that's about it.  In Wisconsin, you tailgate your niece's dance recital.  The only difference between football tailgating and baseball tailgating that I could see is less clothing due to the weather.  This gave me a chance to declare the parking lot at Miller Park the "Rib Cage Tattoo Capitol of the World."  I saw no less than four people with tattoos a few inches below their armpit.  One guy had a Chinese character.  One guy had the quote "It's a great day for hockey" written on his side.  A girl rocking the stylish "shirt cut all the way down the sides and tied at the bottom with bikini top" look had an entire bible verse going from armpit to hip bone.  I really wanted to question her on why she went with the entire verse rather than just getting "Phil. 4:13" or whatever, but I'm not sure how a married, sober 30 year old approaches an intoxicated 22 year old in a non creepy manner.  Especially with his wife around.  There were all sorts of tattoos.  One guy had bat wings on each of his shoulder blades, and what looked to be a devil's tail tattooed on his low back. Another guy had the standard barbed wire bicep.  Saw more than a few ankle and calf tats.  Tattoos to me are a deeply personal thing, but it's surprising how many people end up with roughly the same tattoo in the same location.  There were quite a few chinese characters on the nape of the neck tattoos.  One might say "peace" while another might say "warrior,"  but to the average person these tattoos look exactly the same, so what's the point?  And don't say you did it for yourself if it's on your back.....you can't even see it.  How is that significant to you?  I would venture to guess that people with tattoos on their back can go for weeks at a time without even remembering they have a tattoo.  I guess that's why  I never did it.  I had an idea for a tattoo that I thought was pretty good (getting my name tattooed on the sole of my foot, like the toys in Toy Story), but never went through with it, mostly because after a few months, I'd forget it was there and really wouldn't want to explain to people 30 years from now what it was about when the movies had faded from public consciousness.

Rachel also took this opportunity to relive her younger days and have a few beers.  Being married to a teetotaler and becoming a mother have severely hindered Rachel's drinking opportunities.  I love my wife, and think she's extremely funny, but Tipsy Rachel is one of the most entertaining people I've ever met.  She made sure to tell everyone that she was on her fifth beer, while wearing Jonah's "little buddy" sunglasses because she left hers at home.  These things barely fit on her head, so that she looked like some sort of Star Wars character, only with bear paw prints on the rims of the glasses.  I immediately thought Rachel should get a couple of tiny bear paws tattooed next to her eyes, which Tipsy Rachel said would be "awesome."  Tipsy Rachel also started taking pictures of everyone tailgating for the "wedding slideshow" she was putting together for her sister.  I heard the term "wedding slide show" at least fifty times.  Tipsy Rachel also coined the phrase "What stays in Wisconsin, happens in Wisconsin," which got more than a few strange looks from people.  Some people need video cameras to record their children's cute moments, I need one for my tipsy wife's cute moments. 

Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than orginally planned.  Took me almost two days of writing here and there during lulls in work.  Enjoy!