Bachelor Week 2 - Life is about Straddling People?

Welcome back....I've got a bit of an issue with ABC apparently requiring me to watch on Sunday nights now too.  Already Claire has been given the first date card?  This is not ok with me, ABC.  I already devote way to much time of my life to your franchise, and my kids don't really understand when I tell them that Daddy needs them to go to sleep early so that I can watch the "Batch-el-LOR" as Juan Pablo says it.

And the blindfold comes out, and the girls are having all sorts of 50 Shades of Grey fantasies as they squeal and ooh and ahh as Claire is whisked away unable to see.  The big surprise is....fake snow!  Looks like a fun time as they sled and dress Juan Pablo up as an 1800's snow man.  It's an ultimate fairy tale to Claire.  Am I the only one that gets a little Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe vibe from the fake forest they're in?  If some half goat man comes running out of the trees, I'd declare this the best date ever.

Back at the ranch, the girls are talking it out, and the big scandal is that Lucy the free spirit is letting both of her spirits free.  "I think she forgot to pack bikini tops" one girl laments.  I think the bigger shock would be if the hippie girl actually had some sort of undergarment on.  Isn't that kind of their thing, to let everything just kinda "blow in the wind?"  To their credit, the other girls in the pool are just kind of rolling with it.

Claire, after a few hours of playing in fake snow, has determined that Juan Pablo is emotionally secure and will be there for her for ever and for always.  This always happens to the first date girl.  She's setting herself up for a trip to crazy town by herself.

Kat gets the second one on one day.  I'm not sure who she is, other than the girl who actually got the rose when the princessy redhead misinterpreted Juan Pablo's accent and thought he called her name at the first ceremony.

Back on the date, Claire says that Juan Pablo is so sexy, she has to tell him how much he needs to be like her father.  I want to like Claire, but she's making it really hard.  This is the first time she's put herself out there since her father's passing "many years ago" as she says.  No better way to ease yourself back into the world than slapping on a bikini in front of millions of people with a guy who (oh by the way) is dating 26 other women concurrently.

Juan Pablo SAYS he is glad she is opening up, but he certainly doesn't seem to be too interested in it. She's sitting there prattling on about her dad, all the while he's nibbling on her ear.  Way to pay attention, bud.  Of course, if she really was concerned with him HEARING her, she'd stop him and say "this is important."  But no, she's totally fine with him smothering her words of woe with his Venezuelan lips.  "You taste like snow" she says.  IT'S FAKE SNOW!

YOU GUYS!  THERE'S A SASQUATCH IN THIS FAKE SNOW FOREST!  AND HE'S GOT A MICROPHONE!  Oh, never mind.  It's some anonymous singer trying to make good on his agent's big money gamble to get him recognized.  Ironic, though, that Bigfoot is the realest thing about this date.  Way to flip the script, ABC.

Quick note - Claire is amazed that it's fake snowing in a fake forest with a Sasquatch serenading her while she lightly pats Juan Pablo's hindquarters like a set of bongos.  At this point Hulk Hogan could drive one of those mini Shriner's Cars that they use in parades out there and I'd barely do a double take.

I'm not even sure who the dog-lover is, but her dog is getting more airtime than she is.  That's not a good sign for her.  If your pet is the most interesting thing about you, you're not marriage material in my book.  Also not a good sign - you're a dog lover and Juan Pablo selected a girl named Kat for a one-on-one date the first week.

Kat gushes she has never been on a private jet before (get in line, sweetheart).  Then she says that she "could get used to being with the man of her dreams who likes doing 'things like that.'  You know that this isn't Juan Pablo's plane, right?  She's allowed her mind to run completely wild, thinking he's taking her to New York City (you know this is a one-day date, right).  Instead, they don electric clothing and fly to a rave in.....Salt Lake City?  Nevermind, it's not a rave, it's a 5k race?  Utah finds some really inventive ways to have non-alcoholic fun, don't they?  Juan Pablo looks like he was born to wear neon clothing under LED-lit trees with umbrellas in them.  This is his element.

Back on the farm, the group date is announced, and Amy the Weathergirl is upset because "she came here to get to know Juan Pablo."  You don't say?  She's worried that there's a rose ceremony coming up and she hasn't got any time.  She should take solace in the fact that the opera girl who got the first impression rose also is not going on a date, so it doesn't really mean anything....of course she won't though.

Another quick side note going back to last week - Opera Singer is different from most Bachelor contestants, and that's what I like about her (and apparently what Juan Pablo liked as well.)  HOWEVER, you forfeit your right to act like you're better than other people on the Bachelor when you APPLY TO GO ON THE BACHELOR.  You may be different, but you still are there fame-grabbing with the topless girl and all the people with dead relatives they're exploiting and the drunks. Own it, Brunhilde.  (Sorry, that's the only opera name I know).

Group date time!  13 times the crazy.  Dog Lover finally gets some air time- and it turns out her name is Kelly.  She looks like a resident of Whoville.  Lauren the musician says he looks "extra hot" because he's wearing blue and he has arms or something.  I'm really waiting for the girl who says "I was a little disappointed in Juan Pablo's look today - he shaved his stubble and is wearing long sleeves.  Surprise, it's a photo shoot, and your photographer is a creepy bald dude with a blue beard.  Oh, and your co-models are dogs who apparently like to hump each other and poop anywhere they damn well please.  Seems pretty sanitary.  Apparently these people are for the ethical treatment of all animals....and that ethical treatment includes painting the dog's face blue in one instance.  Kill me now.

Chelsie makes the obligatory "what up bitches? You know, the dogs" joke.  Lame, but not as creepy as Blue Beard giggling as he tells girls that aren't professional models that they need to take all their clothes off and hold a sign in front of their naughty bits.  What the hell is wrong with this guy?  He's completely unsympathetic to their reservations.  This is a pretty impossible situation for the ladies - do you bow out and risk showing Juan Pablo that you're not comfortable with your body (something that maybe carries a little more weight because he's foreign and nudity isn't that big of a deal to him)? Does your stance against nudity make him respect that you're a strong woman who is not willing to compromise on your morals?  Why doesn't anyone offer to switch with the hippie who clearly would not have any problem holding a sign (or just standing naked next to it)?

Andi and Elise aren't feeling it.  Blue Beard goes with the total creep show move of trying to rationalize to her that the parents of her first grade students won't be focusing on her nakedness, they'll be focusing on the dogs.  What a crock of crap.  Never trust a man with a blue beard, ladies.  Elise does the sensible thing and flips costumes with Lucy, leaving Andi as the one who has to rationalize that this is for a good cause.  Seriously, it's gotta be better than the Dog Lover, who they painted to look like the world's ugliest half-dog, half-woman.  Jesus that getup is terrifying.

While Andi finds a stray piece of machinery to worry on, Juan Pablo saunters over to say "hey I'm going to be naked too, so it's all good.  She says "I can tell Juan Pablo is out of his comfort zone" which is an outright lie.  That guy has been naked with more than one girl and a camera before, I can almost guarantee it.  In the meantime, the girls seem to think that no dogs anywhere will get adopted if they don't take their clothes off or let themselves be painted to look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain.  Give me a break.  Nobody is going to adopt a dog because they watched this episode of the Bachelor.  Maybe, MAYBE, a portion of the money made off that calendar will go to animal adoption, but I doubt it.  Also, are they going to show us how to get our hands on that calendar?  Because if they don't offer that info up on the show, they really aren't concerned about helping dogs at all.  You know Blue Beard isn't.  He's trying to figure out which one of these dogs he can shave to use their fur for a poofy hat he can put on a naked model.

AFTER PARTY!  Nobody's painted up, nobody's naked (YET!).  Shockingly, this party takes place at a rooftop pool.

First up with one on one time is Cassandra, the 21(!) year old former NBA dancer who has a son named Trey.  Is that Trey, as in slang for a three pointer?  I'm saying there's a 75% chance that kid is the illegitimate offspring of an NBA player.  Cassandra claims that her son is writing in a journal to her every night.  Can I call BS?  He's 2!  I gave my 2 year old daughter a pen tonight and told her "only color on the paper"  She mangled the paper and then drew all over a cd case.  My six year old son keeps a journal. The other day he wrote "IM GoiG to MY GraMMU AND POOPa toDay.  I wootin Ta Leev oon ChristmaMas eav."  Not going to lie, I'm super proud that Jonah can write something that I can decipher.  I just don't think she's going to get much out of the chicken scratch her son writes.  Is it mean to guess that if he could write legibly, he'd probably write "where's my dad?"  Just kidding.  I know that's mean.  But you probably nodded, so I'll save room for you on the bus to hell, too.

NOTE: I've since been informed that it was actually Renee's son who is writing a journal, not the two year old.  I was typing and not watching and missed the transition from Cassandra to Renee.  I'm leaving that paragraph in though, because I find it funny.

Victoria may be joining us.  She's hammered.  She claims she's not, but saying "HEEEEEEEY ROOMIE" is a dead giveaway.  Victoria gives us some classic drunk girl quotes like "life is about straddling people....and things." and "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."  You go gurl.  You may be competing with that one dude on Emily's season that got super hammered on the first night and had to be sent home for drunkest contestant ever.

Victoria is drunk in the hot tub - always a bad combo.  It's getting worse, as she twerks alone and rambles about straddling and heimlich maneuvers.  Victoria goes to encroach on Nikki's alone time, then backs off and goes to cry in the bathroom.   Renee, the elder stateswoman of the group, does the motherly thing and goes to see what's wrong.  Victoria has locked herself in a stall though, so Renee does the classy thing and shimmies under the door like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment.  Between  Victoria's irrational sobs and profanity laden rants, Renee rubs her shoulder and says the biggest lie ever uttered on the show:  "Everyone's so glad you're here."  Victoria excuses herself from the show at this point, and yet another sasquatch looking dude (this one a production assistant) has to explain to her that he can't let her leave because he hasn't booked her a flight or a cab or anything and it's probably not a good idea for a girl in her state of inebriation to be stumbling down a downtown LA street barefoot in a bikini.  Not to be deterred, she's starts prancing like a deer for some reason and frolics her way back into her bathroom stall of safety.

Juan Pablo, after being summoned by a surprisingly rational Lucy, goes to talk to Victoria.  She has none of it though, and Juan Pablo is unwilling to Zeta-Jones his way into the stall.  I do like the fact that he gives it two quick attempts to talk to her, then just backs away.  He gives the girls a "don't go to hard on her, this is a rough situation" speech, which the other girls EAT UP.  I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo has never had a bad day in his life, and has never slept a night alone since he was 18 years old, unless it was by his choice.

Back at the house, the girls sit around in their bikinis and recap Victoria's antics.  Somehow, Victoria parlayed this into a private hotel room and some one on one time at the hotel.  She completely mishandles the situation, trying to shrug it off by saying "I guess I should apologize or whatever."  Then she says she had a good time up until her "bathroom incident."  The longer Juan Pablo sits there and says nothing, the more she owns up to it.  She starts to take responsibility for her actions a little more in a futile attempt to salvage her time on the show.  I like that Juan Pablo allowed her to own up to her actions before cutting her loose.  As messy as that situation could've been, they both kind of handled it well, to the point that I don't even think Victoria was upset that she was getting dumped in a very abrupt manner.

Time for the cocktail party/rose ceremony and the girls are freaking out because "so much is still up in the air" and "anything could happen."  Cassandra is really worried about what Juan Pablo is thinking, which doesn't make much sense based on what we saw on camera.

Juan Pablo does a lot of little things that make it impossible for these ladies to be upset at him even when he whisks off another girl.  He was respectful when referring to Victoria and then explains that he's going to talk to the girls who didn't go on dates first and then actually goes to meet Amy and take her hand rather than making her walk all the way across the room to him.  It's a subtle thing, but I think that women really respond to those things.  Take notes, guys.  Juan Pablo is taking us all to school.

Cassandra again is struggling - this time with the English language. "I just feel like this whole situation is just hard to like put all the other girls aside and like focus on our....thing...and it's like also hard for me because I have like my son..."  She then goes off to cry over pictures of her son.  I was going to make a "come on, nobody just has 4x6's with them anymore" but I suppose they do take away all of your digital media devices.  She starts crying, and once again, Renee gets to play the motherly role.  If Juan Pablo is looking for someone to be a mother to his daughter, Renee is the clear choice at this point.  Close second is Nurse Nikki.

Juan Pablo again says all the right things (the guy is a WIZARD) and Cassandra is totally back on track.  Juan Pablo says that she knows what a mom is.  I'll give him that.  She could explain to you what the word mom means (while only using the word "like" four times!) and probably also spell it.  Beyond that, I'm not sold.  She's 21 for God's sake.  If I'd been a father at 21 I would've failed miserably at parenting.  There's no way I was equipped to care for a small person at that point in my life.  Sure, there are some people that are mature enough at 21 to handle things like that (I know a few) but none of them were unemployed former cheerleaders who thought the best parenting decision they could make was to go on a reality show.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo pardons Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharlene, Renee, Some girl whose name I couldn't understand and am pretty sure hasn't been on the show up to this point, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy, in addition to Claire, Kat, and Kelly.  Gone are Amy and Chantel.  Once again, the African American contestant gets an "affirmative action" pass on night one, only to be dispatched shortly thereafter.

Well, judging from the previews for next week, Juan has completely thrown out Sean's advice to not kiss a girl in front of the other contestants.  That's OK though, because I wouldn't trust anything Sean told me either.  I still hate that guy.

Bachelor Premiere - Do you Juan to Juatch Juan Pablo this Juanuary?

Juan-uary is off and running, finally.  I have been as excited for Juan Pablo to get more airtime than any heterosexual male should be and even I think that ABC has over done the whole build-up to this season.  The Polar Vortex may have slowed the blog down for a week, but I'm well rested and ready to make some very superficial judgments on the fame-whores out to win Juan-Pablo's heart...or at least a couple hundred new twitter followers.  I'm going to skip the whole "countdown to Juan Pablo" thing, let's just get into the actual season premiere - bring on the ladies!

We start with the JPMM - Juan Pablo Make-out Montage and then the tears start flowing.  The Latin Lover will be breaking hearts left and right apparently.  Then we get JP talking his life over a series of shots of him making ridiculous faces during photo shoots.  Seriously, does he ever smile normally, or is it always a sarcastic look?  Oh yes, and he has a daughter.  Camilla is the center of his universe.  Make sure you remember that....it'll come up about sixty six thousand times in the next few months.

I think the accent is going to serve him well.  He can be a complete idiot and say things like "I'm the first Latin bachelor...I speak the language of loooooove" and everyone will think it's adorable.  A guy from Boise, Idaho says that and he looks like a fool.  Do people in other countries find American accents appealing?  I doubt it....we don't even find the way we talk ourselves appealing, so why would they?  

First commercial break, and ABC is now leaving a "bachelor will return" border around the commercials?  Seriously?  Seems kind of irrelevant in this day and age, where everyone's TV tells them what show is on when they switch the channel, but whatever.  Pay those bills, ABC.  I will give them credit for also showing the logo of the company whose commercial is airing, many commercials these days don't make it easy to identify the product being advertised just by watching.  

We're back, and oh goody it's Sean.  Juan says "who else was I going to call?"  How about ANYONE ELSE?  We get a bunch of buzz-words from Sean - "this will be a journey" "when that first limo rolls up, then it'll get REAL."  Juan wants to call it an adventure rather than a journey.  Not exactly a big leap, but at least it's different.  Sean's sage advice is to not kiss a girl in front of the other girls.  Solid advice...but I can imagine ABC is already plotting ways for some of the girls to "accidentally" stumble across an encounter.  

Sean also says that Catherine wasn't even on his radar for the first month....isn't the taping only about six weeks?  Crazy.  He then tells what may very well be a bullshit story about his dog getting sprayed by a skunk at 2 am and that making him realize he's in love with Catherine.  I guess I shouldn't say that, because just about everyone has an "aha" moment where they realize that their significant other is THE ONE, and it's usually some completely mundane thing that happens to just about every couple.  It's just that usually I would assume that moment before the engagement.  It's an early reminder to suspend your version of reality when you're watching the Bachelor.

Interesting that Juan Pablo has seemingly given his daughter more airtime already than Emily's daughter got her whole season.  Not sure what it means, but just an observation.  

Let's get a look at the ladies!

First up is Chelsie, the 24 year old Science Educator (don't most people call this a teacher?)  who apparently likes soccer.  She then hides in some weeds and thinks learning bad Spanish will help her impress Juan Pablo (it probably won't.)

Renee, the real estate agent evidently likes long walks on the beach as we see her walking at both sunrise and sunset, in bikinis, in dresses, on rollerblades, with her son, with her son and birds.....pretty much any scenario you can envision someone walking on the beach, she did it.  Good thing Juan Pablo lives in Miami!

Andi, the federal prosecutor, was one of my preseason favorites, but she's already annoying me with her staged courtroom scene.  It took me all of 15 seconds to flip on my favorites.  She just seems like she's acting about EVERYTHING.  She can't even put on her sunglasses in a manner that you can't tell she's on camera.

I missed the masseuse's name, but that's ok because she's pretty much awful.

NIkki, the pediatric nurse, seems awesome.  Seems like a normal person (so far.)  She can take Andi's place in my preseason favorites.

Lauren is a mineral coordinator.  What the hell is that?  I'm not a big fan of how they try to sexy up everyone's job title.  She was dumped by her fiancé over the phone.  Bummer for her.

Valerie is a personal trainer... of goats?  She's shoots arrows and isn't afraid to scratch out eyeballs.  Terrifying.  Watch out for her.

Lacy the elderly care girl has a crazy life.  9 special needs siblings and running elderly care facilities?  NO wonder she's single....how's she have time to date?  Good luck to her.

Claire the hairdresser is part Mexican.  Good for her?  I'm not sure why that's relevant. Her dad died though (sad) and she's looking for a man to replace him.  Still weirded out by the whole "I want to date a man like my dad" thing...she was one of my other preseason favorites. Not the most impressive impression.

Chris is here, and he surprises Juan - there's two additional ladies added to the talent pool!  Why?  Are they people we're familiar with?  What's the point of only adding two?  I don't get it. 

Casandra the "former NBA dancer" is unemployed because she's an idiot.  She just kind of stares at Juan Pablo for a while.  Ugh.  

Seems like more than a few girls are going with the "I can speak a little Spanish!" routine, but not Lucy the Free Spirit....she's barefoot and looks like she's just champing at the bit to take some psychedelic drugs and dance naked around a fire.  She can leave whenever she wants.  

Chelsie the science educator makes a really bad chemistry pun, and I'm not really on board with her.  Some other girl is from Forty Fort, PA - kind of like I'm from Porty Port, Oregon.  

I'm convinced everyone will hate Valerie by the end of the night, and Ashley the 25 year old has a voice like a 40 year old 1960's prostitute, but the big cliffhanger is.....a pregnant girl in the limo! She's making such a show of how hard it is to get out of the limo, this has got to be a joke.  

....and it is!  Claire went for the "I'm going to scare the shit out of you" impression.  Better than the Masseuse (her name is Amy) and her "i'm here for you because it's you" line.  I'm not even sure what that means.  Some super southern girl gives him a fishing hook, Lacy the Champion of the Underpriviledged gives him some drugs (just kidding they're Red Hots!), and Sharleen the Candian Opera Singer from Germany seems very different from your usual Bachelor competitors.  I'll be interested to see how she gels with the other girls.

Andi comes in last, and Juan Pablo seems to be digging her.  I'll admit she was much more likable in that encounter than in her little intro video.  Time for a little interaction!  Let's get the drinks flowing and the judgmental bitching rolling!

Amy the weather girl has HUGE FACIAL FEATURES. Her eyes and her mouth seem to take up her whole face. She thinks he's way better looking in person.  Another girl goes all valley girl and says "Ohmigosh I'm gonna die he's so cute."  Juan comes in and makes a lot of jokes and the girls love it, and then all of a sudden a wedding reception breaks out.  Photo booths and some music...Juan Pablo is ready to shake up this show.  

Nikki gets the first on screen one on one time, and she makes a really good impression - on me at least.  I like her.  Renee and Juan Pablo bond over the fact that they're "single parents."  They call each other Mami and Papi....ugh.  My favorite part of their conversation is that Juan has a huge lipstick smudge on his check the whole conversation.  

Juan thinks Lacy is a "happy camper."  I think she's a few logs short of a campfire.  Still better than Amy the masseuse, though...she's insane.  She loves his socks, and thinks he's beautiful and that they probably have a lot in common.  What that is, I'm not sure, since she seems to be enjoying the massage more than Juan Pablo.   If she doesn't go home tonight, she's this season's ABC mandated "the crazier you are the longer we'll make Juan Pablo keep you so viewers will turn in to see what whacked out thing you do this week."

First impression rose is out, and the girls are starting to freak out.  Maggie the Southern Stereotype says the rose "is not just a rose it's her future."  Good times.  Elise believes in love at first sight with JP...obviously he didn't feel the same, because he couldn't remember her name.  Bad sign for her chances.  The girls that aren't as outgoing are starting to panic because they haven't got their time, which may bring out some panicky craziness.  It looks like Lauren - the girl with the great life but sucky love life - might be our woman!  She's crying and asking the other girls how to get time with him.  Now she's hyperventilating and talking about how she's always positive and confident except for this situation..you know where you have to have those two qualities.  She's doing a great job of pouring her heart out to the other girls...a move that won't get her anywhere.  If one of the other girls drags her over to Juan Pablo and says "you need to talk to her" I'm going to flip out.  She reminds me of that one awkward girl in the sorority that all the sisters look out for and try to find some guy to take pity on her at a party.  In their minds, they're being "good sisters" looking out for her, but in reality they just want someone else to listen to her craziness so they can make bedroom eyes at they guy at the beer pong table.  Of course the guy that finally relents will make out with her and then not call her, which starts the cycle all over again.  

Lauren's only a few months out of a broken engagement.....she clearly shouldn't be here.  ABC really took advantage of this girl.  Shame on them, but then again, it's going to make for good tv for us, so shame on me too?  

Southern girl giggles that her first time on an airplane was coming out to see Juan Pablo...she's SO SOUTHERN!  Andi seems to be right up JP's alley, and Sharleen keeps reinforcing that she's different in a good way...opera singer from Canada and all.  Sharleen really tickles JP's fancy, so much so that he gives her the first impression rose.  She doesn't seem very enthusiastic about the whole deal.  He likes that she's different, but I think she's probably looking for someone who's EXACTLY like her.  I love how confident he is that she's being quiet and awkward because she's nervous, and it never enters his mind that she might not be interested in him.  The other girls are pissed that he wasted the rose on a girl who doesn't appreciate it.  She was going to have enough trouble fitting in before this.  She could be our candidate for this season's girl who excuses herself from the competition.

Time for the rose ceremony already?  Sometimes I feel like it takes forever to get to this point in an episode, but tonight I feel like it got here too soon.  I hope that continues as the season rolls on.  

Safe are Claire the Part-Mexican Pregnancy-Faker, Nikki the Nurse (my new favorite), Renee the Beach-Walking Mami, Andi the Camera-Conscious Prosecutor,  Alli the girl I don't remember seeing tonight, Chantal the girl in a blue dress who also happens to be african american, Some girl with her dog, Lauren the Piano Player, Cassandra the Idiot NBA Dancer (formerly), Emile the Random Girl, Chelsie the Bubbly Science Educator, Kat (not Kylie the redhead who REALLY wants a rose), Victoria the unremarkable, Christy the Impossibly Blonde, Lucy the Free Spirit (boy that really pissed off a few girls.) Elise (who will now believe her own love at first sight nonsense), and Amy (the weather girl with large facial features).

Gone are Maggie the Southern, Ashley the 1960's prostitute, Amy the Psycho Masseuse, Kylie the Attempted Rose Usurper, Lauren the recently engaged,  and a few other girls that weren't worth the goodbye screen time.   Surprised that Valerie is gone...she seemed like an obvious villain for the season.  Also surprised Lacy the Elderly Care girl is gone.  She seemed like a good bet for the "she's just too nice to not give a rose to" girl of the season.  

Season's just heating up...and looking at the scenes from upcoming episodes, our impossibly adorable bachelor is going to drive these ladies to unprecedented levels of craziness!  

The Strange Story of How We Bought A House That Was Once a Crime Scene

I've been waiting to write the blog post for the better part of a month, but I wanted to make sure everything worked out with the house before posting.  Call it superstition or whatever, but it's a pretty good story that I've been itching to share.

Around the beginning of September, Rachel and I were talking about how our house was starting to get a little cramped with the kids getting older and the inevitable accumulation of "stuff" that occurs as you get older and occupy the same home for over seven years.  After the kids went to bed, we spent a little time browsing houses in the area online.  No more than an hour later, I got an email from my cousin letting me know that they were moving and wondering if we'd be interested in buying their house.  As they say in France, "Quelle chance!"  However, after looking at home values, we determined that my cousin's house was outside of our price range.  I said thanks but no thanks and thought that was the end of it. 

If it had been though, this would be a pretty boring blog.

I received an email back from cousin saying that she'd figure out a way to make the sale work based on what we felt comfortable paying.  Hooray for generous cousins!  Rachel and I talked it over, toured her house (which is less than a mile from my office I might add) and decided that, yes, this was something we were interested in pursuing.

We went ahead and put our house on the market via a realtor who Rachel knew through work, and started mentally preparing to move to Corvallis in early 2014, when my cousin was planning on vacating her house for her new one (which, incidentally, she bought from my aunt and uncle.)  Everything seemed like it was working out so much better than we could have ever expected.

Again, if it had gone that smoothly, this would be a post I'd never written.

As the whole thing progressed, my cousin had an appraisal done on her home, and it appraised at a value higher than she expected.  At this point, Rachel and I sat down and decided that while we were overwhelmed with the willingness and thoughfullness and generosity my cousin was showing us, we just didn't feel comfortable accepting that much help, especially when we were fortunate enough to have enough money to buy a house that would fit our needs on our own.  We decided that it would be best not to accept that generosity, knowing that there may come a point when we actually would need help from family and/or friends somewhere in the future.

Now, we had an entirely new problem.  Our house was on the market, and we really had no plan of where we were going to go if it sold.  Sure enough, it wasn't more than a week after we had made this decision that we received an offer on our house.  We countered that offer, and they came back with a second offer that was a little lower than what we needed to break even on our mortgage, and gave us basically six hours to make a decision.  This was on Halloween evening - Jonah's birthday.  Granted, they didn't know that it was our son's birthday, but we were a little annoyed at the tight window they had left us to decide.  However, now armed with the knowledge that we didn't have a place to live lined up gave us the advantage of not being in a rush to sell, so we rejected their offer, figuring that perhaps the market would continue to improve and maybe another offer a few months down the road would be a little higher. 

Two days later, our realtor called and let us know that they had reconsidered, and bumped up their offer by a few thousand dollars, getting us to a level that would allow us to essentially pay off our mortgage outright.  Getting out of this mortgage was a big deal to us, as we were paying over 7% interest on it (2006 seems so long ago, doesn't it? Barack Obama was still a relatively anonymous Senator from Illinois and all you needed to get a bank loan was a driver's license and a pulse.)  We decided that this had been our goal all along, so we accepted it. 

That decision accelerated our house hunting into overdrive.  With us both being relatively happy with our jobs and Jonah really enjoying his kindergarten class, we had a pretty narrow search area that we wanted to focus on.  That next weekend, I think we toured almost a dozen houses in the North Albany area.  Some were still being built, some were definitely what I'd deem "fixer-uppers."  One house reminded Rachel and I of an assisted living facility.  In the end, we whittled it down to two homes we really liked - One was a house built in 1999 with a huge backyard, the other a brand new house with very little yard, but a fantastic floor plan and a massive "bonus room" that the kids would be able to take advantage of. 

Over the next week, we looked at both houses again, and decided that the backyard trumped everything else.  We talked it over with our realtor and decided to make an offer.  It wasn't more than a day later that our offer was accepted without a counter-offer or anything.  We were thrilled!  We were able to negotiate closing dates on both houses to coincide so that we could move directly from one house to the other without having to rent a storage unit or apartment for a few weeks.  Everything seemed like it was going smoothly. 

A little too smoothly, it would turn out.

A little while later, I realized that I'd never looked at the google maps street view of our new house.  So, on a break at work, I took a peek:

View Larger Map

 Aww, how cute!  A little girl out front drawing in chalk on the driveway.  Exactly the kind of thing I picture Jocelyn doing in a few years at the house.  Being the curious guy I am, I zoomed in on the driveway to see what she was drawing.  It turns out she'd written the names of all her family members on the driveway.  Somewhat surprisingly to me, Google hadn't blurred out this information, despite blurring out the license plate of the car in the garage and apparently the top of the garbage can to the right of the house for some reason.  As I looked at the names, one of them looked familiar to me.  I couldn't place it though, so I googled the name.  That's when I found this:

Yep. That's a bunch of bomb technicians testing devices on our new front porch. We had bought the house that until recently belonged to the family of a kid who was arrested last May for allegedly plotting to bomb West Albany High School.    Talk about a buzzkill.  He'd been hiding homemade explosive devices under the floorboards of what we were going to make our playroom for the kids.  My first thought was "how in the heck am I going to tell Rachel this?"  I slammed my head on my desk wondering why we hadn't been told this earlier in the process, and how it took me zooming in on a driveway to put all this together.  One of my coworkers suggested I not tell Rachel until after we'd moved in.  I suggested that I'd like to stay married, so I'd be telling her as soon as possible. That was not a fun phone call to make, let me tell you.

Rachel and I had a tough decision to make - do we walk away from a house that, up until this point, we were thrilled with?  Rachel was having a harder time with it than I was. She actually had nightmares that involved the walls of the house bleeding. I thought for sure she was going to want to back out of the deal - which would be understandable.  You shouldn't have any cause to feel uneasy in your own home.  However, after talking it over with our realtor, doing some cursory research online, and talking to friends and coworkers in the area who had more knowledge of the situation than we did, she ultimately decided that the house was not to blame for the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded it.  So we signed all the final paperwork on December 5th, fully planning to start moving in the next day, knowing we had to be out of our house by 4:00pm on December 8th. 

Oh, but this little saga isn't over yet.  Friday, December 6th we woke up to this:

The most significant snow event in the mid-valley in the last ten years had to hit on the day we planned on moving.  Later on in the day, we received word that the seller hadn't signed the closing papers on the house, due to an unpaid debt and the fact that the lady at the title company had made the decision to leave early because of the snow - despite knowing that we needed this deal done that day because we had to be out of our old house by that Sunday.  At this point we had to negotiate with the seller on an agreement to let us occupy the house prior to closing.  Usually in these instances, the buyer pays the seller a per diem to occupy the house.  However, we didn't feel like we should be paying rent because the only reason we weren't already closed was because the seller hadn't handled her business in a timely manner (and the title company lady was afraid of snow).  We were concerned that if we agreed to pay rent, that didn't give the seller much incentive to close the house in a timely manner, as she could just stall for a week or two and collect a couple hundred dollars off of us before signing the house over to us.  We negotiated this point through our respective realtors for HOURS Friday evening while my poor dad, who had driven a trailer down from Portland to help us move, sat around in our kitchen twiddling his thumbs.  The snow had impacted his travel down I-5 - it took him 3 hours to get to Albany, and once in town, another driver had lost control of his vehicle and slammed into the trailer, damaging the fender above one of the wheels. 

Finally around 8pm we reached an agreement to move in - rent free - with assurances that the deal would close first thing on Monday.  With the help from some very thoughtful friends watching our kids and helping us move the heavy stuff, we were able to get everything moved by Saturday night, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and icy roads.  The end result:

A very happy Lasselle family eating dinner at our kitchen counter amid boxes and boxes of our stuff waiting to be unpacked, with a heck of a story to tell!

Perspective - An Interactive Blog Post!

It should come as no surprise to friends of mine that I enjoy eating and drinking Pepsi - not necessarily in that order.  So when a meeting at work provides free pizza lunch and Pepsi afterwards, I'm not likely to say no, even though lunchtime is about the only time during the day I can actually get some exercise in. (Side note - this is not true.  I could get up super early and exercise, or work out after the kids go to sleep.  I just choose not do exercise then because it would interfere with two things I enjoy more: sleeping and watching The Bachelor.)

As I'm polishing off a delicious piece of Hawaiian pizza that was probably two or three pieces after where I should have stopped eating, I started thinking about a TV show I watched last night, The Drive of Pac-12 Networks.  They were talking to an Arizona State linebacker who had lost his father to a heart attack a few months ago.  Now I started thinking about having a heart attack myself.   That led me to think "I could die tomorrow if I keep eating pizza like this."  I know there's probably a hundred other ways I could die between now and tomorrow that don't involve pizza, but you get my point.  I instantly thought about the things I would miss if I died tomorrow. 

Obviously, number one was watching my kids grow up.  I've only known them for a few years, but they're both in my top three favorite people in the world.  I really want to see how they turn out.  Will Jonah ever enjoy watching football games?  Will Jocelyn turn her love of singing into a spin on American Idol 2028?  Will Jonah ever be able to fall asleep alone?  When Jocelyn is on her first date, and the guy asks if she wants to watch a movie, will she ask him to watch Annie as her measuring stick for if he's dateable? 

You know what number two was for me?  Jurassic Park 4.  I swear to God, that was the second thing that popped into my head.  A freaking movie about fake dinosaurs.  I couldn't believe it.  I would've expected myself to think of visiting Ireland, or seeing the Beavers play in a Rose Bowl, or going to see the Olympics in some location I'd never otherwise think of visiting or actually getting to build a home from scratch with everything that Rachel and I want.  Nope....Jurassic Park 4.  I had no clue I wanted to see this movie so bad.  In fact, if you had asked me what movie I'm looking forward to the most, I would've guessed I would say Avengers 2.  Apparently Dinosaurs > Super Heroes in my book.

This got me thinking - what would you all miss or regret if you were to die tomorrow?  I've included a handy poll at the bottom, or you can leave a comment below if I left #1 on your bucket list off (sorry, I can't read minds.  Apparently, I can't even read my own.)

Aside from not seeing your children grow up, what would you miss the most if you were to die tomorrow?

Not seeing a part of the world you'd never visited

not seeing your favorite sports team win a championship in person

Not doing some extreme sport (skydiving, rocky mountain climbing)

Telling someone you loved them

Jurassic Park 4

Other

www.poll-maker.com

My First Field Trip as a Dad

Today I fulfilled a lifelong dream of chaperoning my kid's field trip.  Laugh all you want, but ever since Mrs. Sager took our second grade class to OMSI, and my dad let me and another kid kind of wander off from the group (he didn't just send us off on our own, he was watching us), I've wanted to be the cool parent on the field trip.  Of course, I'm pretty sure Mrs. Sager reamed my dad - partly because the other kid that went on this rogue excursion with me was her daughter - and it probably wasn't the best experience for him.  But nevermind the bad stuff, I was convinced that this trip was going to be awesome.

And awesome it was.  Kindergarten is the best.  These kids are hilarious.  Also, kindergarten teachers deserve their own holiday, because the ability to command attention from 28 five and six year olds is a Herculean task if there ever was one.  Mrs. Weldon is awesome....she's been a kindergarten teacher for 25 years - the patience of this woman is mind boggling.

The fun started during roll call, when she told the kids to call out "bus!" instead of "here!" because we were going on the field trip.  The kids are quiet, but much in the same way a 35,000 seat baseball stadium is "quiet" in between innings.  Sure nobody is cheering, but there's that background cacophony  that's constant.  I couldn't hear half the kids call out "bus," but she heard every one.  Of course she had to stop because one of the kids said another kid punched him in the stomach.  She asked Kid A why he punched Kid B, and Kid A says "because he punched me first!"  "Kid A, is that true?"  "Well, yeah!"

So then we load on to the bus and head out to the pumpkin patch.  I'm assigned two children, one of which is Jonah, thankfully.  At least one of them will potentially listen to me.  We get on the bus, and I'm sitting next to Jonah and this other kid, who is totally awesome, but totally hyper.  He can't sit still in his seat, he's talking constantly, and his favorite word is "brainfart."  A sample conversation:

Kid:  "hey, Jonah's dad, did you know what it's called when you forget something?"
Me:  "Nope."
Kid:  "A brainfart! (laughter from both Jonah and him.)
Me:  "Well, that's ridiculous."
Kid:  "You know what else?"
Me:  "What?"
Kid:  (makes fart noise) I forgot!  Just had another brainfart!"
Jonah:  "You should put your hood up, that will keep the brainfarts in!"

And on and on it went.  These kids are super-hyper, but boy do they respect Mrs. Weldon.  She made sure they got the message that the kids were supposed to be quiet when the bus went over railroad tracks, because as soon as the bus driver turned on the interior lights (the signal that a railroad crossing was coming up) these kids went silent and didn't say a single word until the lights turned off.  I was impressed.

At the patch, It turned into cat-herding at its finest.  You try keeping two five year olds together in a pumpkin patch sometime.  Both Jonah and my other assigned youngster were determined to find the perfect pumpkin.  So much so, in fact, that they were the last two kids to claim a pumpkin.  My favorite reason for leaving a pumpkin behind was that it was "dirty."  I will admit though, they both decided on pretty fantastic pumpkins.  

On the hay ride, disaster struck when one girl dropped her hat off the back.  The farmer was merrily driving his tractor, which had an enclosed cab, and the humor of 28 kids and a handful of parents waving frantically at the back of this guy's head was something to see.  The little girl was devastated and convinced she would never see her hat again.  Finally, farmer guy turns around and sees us waving, and one of the other chaperone dads is off to rescue the hat.  Crisis averted.

After everyone staked claim to the "best pumpkin EVER!" it was time to play on the hay pyramid, slides, mazes, hay forts and other harvest festival activities.  It was at this point that every chaperone gave up monitoring their individual kids and just scanned an area for kids climbing on hay bales they shouldn't be, or ushering kids off to the portapotties.  Of course, at one point I'm talking to a chaperone mom and I hear Mrs. Weldon yell at the kid I'm responsible for to stop climbing up the slide.  A short time later, Jonah and one of his buddies are racing to the hay fort, and Jonah sort of cuts the other kid off and he falls to the ground crying.  Jonah just looks at him, wondering why he's not getting up, as that kid's chaperone runs to his aid like he's a fallen soldier.  This chaperoning is serious business.  She was super good with him and had him back playing in no time.  I spent the rest of the hour avoiding Mrs. Weldon, since I'm pretty sure I was the only chaperone to have both his kids run afoul of the rules of the field trip.

The other thing that was evident is that my son is adored by his entire class.  This might sound like bragging, but that is what I observed.  He's the Justin Timberlake of North Albany Elementary's kindergarten class - boys and girls alike want to be around him.  Jonah seems oblivious to his stature, not acting arrogant or haughty at all - something I'm very thankful for.  When we showed up in the morning, it seemed like every kid came over to say "Hi Jonah!" something I didn't observe with the other children.  Even when we dropped Jocelyn off at preschool, the other kids saw Jonah and it caused a minor issue as kids had to line up to high five Jonah before he left for preschool.  On the bus, the two girls across the aisle from us would lean over every few minutes and say "Hi Jooooonah!" and he'd casually wave back and say "hi girls."  One girl in particular followed him everywhere, even leaning her head on his shoulder during the group picture on the hay pyramid.  Jonah seemed completely at ease with all of it, making we worried for what Rachel and I are in for in about ten years.

In all, I had a blast on this trip, and I can't wait for my next chance to chaperone - unless of course it's during a school dance.  I want no part of the dances.

Reflecting on 9/11

Logging in to Facebook this morning and seeing all the messages about that terrible day twelve years ago and remembering the heroes and to "never forget" really got to me this morning.  Of course I'll never forget.  It's probably the most unforgettable historical moment of my life, ranking ahead of the Challenger exploding, the "Spring Break Quake" in 1993, the Oklahoma City Bombing, Obama being elected, Princess Diana's death, and the announcement of Bin Laden's death. 

I was actually in Las Vegas on September 11th, 2001.  I was on my way back to Oregon after spending the summer working in Colorado with my cousin Wendy.  We had stopped in Vegas to meet up with a couple from the Czech Republic we had worked with who were touring America before returning to Europe.  I woke up early, I think around 6:30, and called my mom to get my sister's phone number.  We were driving to San Diego that afternoon to visit her (she was in college at USD at the time).  All circuits were busy.  Strange, I thought, that phone lines were overloaded that early in the morning.  I tried again with the same result.  At this point, I turned on the TV, but kept the sound down low so as not to wake up anyone else.  I couldn't hear what was going on, but saw smoke coming out of one of the towers.  At this point I thought it was just a fire.  Then they went split screen with a shot of the Pentagon on fire.  Now I was a little concerned.  At this point I stopped worrying about other people sleeping and turned up the volume.  It was then that I learned what was really happening.  I tried calling my mom again, and this time got through.  She was pretty concerned, probably because her husband was in New Orleans, I was in Las Vegas, Grant was in Northern California, and Erin was in San Diego.  When something like that happens and your family is scattered all over the country, it's gotta be tough.  She actually told me not to go to San Diego, to just drive straight to Weed, CA to see Grant because "nobody's going to attack Weed." 

Once everyone was awake, we sat there in silence watching the news for a while before finally making our way to a Denny's in a casino for breakfast.  It was so bizarre to see Las Vegas so quiet.  I remember the numbness of the the place - nobody was gambling, nobody was yelling, nobody was smiling. People were eating and talking quietly.  At this point, Jiri, the guy from the Czech Republic that was with us, said "I'll bet Bin Laden was behind this" between bites of his hash browns.  I, of course, had never heard of Bin Laden at this point.  Later, I would look back and wonder if this was because of my own ignorance, or because the American government and/or media felt it wasn't important enough to convey information about him.  Probably a little of both, I suppose. 

We had ideas about going to see the Hoover Dam, but it was shut down like every other national landmark in the country.  So we headed for San Diego.  As we drove along the coastline, you could see the battleships out in the Pacific protecting our shores.  The fear that "this isn't over yet" was undeniable, even the next day.  When our time was up in San Diego and we started making the trek north up I-5, I remember driving behind a delivery truck or moving van of some sort.  Written in the dirt on the back was an anti-Muslim message, predictably with some spelling errors.  I wish I could remember what it said, but the point was clear - America in general was already racially profiling everyone of Middle Eastern descent.   

No, I'll never forget that day.  I remember it every time I say goodbye to my wife and kids when they travel to Wisconsin without me and I have to say goodbye to them at a security checkpoint instead of waving goodbye as the walk down the jetway at the gate.  I remember it every time I visit a major city and see a skyscraper.  In that sense, maybe Bin Laden accomplished what he set out to do. 

Then again, a part of me remembers that day every time I hear someone singing "God Bless America."  I remember it every time a fire truck drives by in a parade and everyone gives the firefighters a standing ovation.   I remember it every time I see an Arizona State football game, where the players run out of a tunnel behind a picture of Pat Tillman, who gave up a professional football career to fight for freedom thousands of miles from the nearest NFL stadium, and ultimately lost his life in that fight. 

In that sense, I think that terror will never really win.

Tales from Dari-Mart

A bag of these cost me 15 minutes today

Sitting at work today and I'm struggling to make it to 5.  So I took a quick break to run down to Dari-Mart and get myself a Pepsi Max.  Silly me, I forgot that there's no such thing as a quick trip to the downtown Corvallis Dari-Mart. 

I was fourth in line at the counter.  I should also mention that they have two counters (and two clerks working) but, of course, only one is available.  Dude number one is buying Megabucks tickets.  No real problem with this, other than the guy was about 80 years old, so it takes him longer to do everything.  Again, he's 80, so he can take as long as he wants.  I'm still in a good mood. 

Dude number two drops $160 in cash on the counter, and I'm freaking out because I think he's buying lottery tickets.  $160 on lottery tickets?  Great, you just increased your chances of winning from .0001% to .0016%.  Good luck with that.  Turns out, he's just getting some money orders.  When you figure out a good reason to have a money order, let me know.  The Internet tells me they are safer than personal checks, but I suppose that's only because they can't bounce.  Seems like if you misplaced a check, you could cancel it or at least have some recourse of getting your money back.  You lose a money order and you're screwed. 

Anyways, there's quite a button pushing process to get a money order, and this dude is getting two.  So its taking a little while.  Dude number 3 in line is getting antsy.  He's probably in his early 20s, wearing a wife-beater and a gigantic backpack.  He probably hasn't showered in a week.  I get the sense that he maybe lives on the streets....only he's still young and stupid enough to think that he's cool for doing it.  He does not have the look of someone who has been beaten down by life yet...though if he has to wait one more minute at Dari-Mart, that might be the end of him.  He's tapping his foot, sighing loudly, even kneeling down at one point.  After a few minutes, Mr. Money Order is done, and - after double checking that the receipt he has in his hand is legitimate - he moves on out the door.

"Finally!"  Homeless Joe says.  "We need to be playing the Jeopardy! theme up in here, amiright?"

I give a courtesy smirk and look down at my phone, wondering where it is exactly that this kid needs to be in such a hurry.  I'm certain it's not work or school, and I'm praying that doesn't need to be somewhere to pick up his child.  Perhaps a court date?  Who knows.

Homeless Joe plunks down his desired purchase - a ginormous bag of Sour Patch Kids.  Of course it's Sour Patch Kids.  I'm expecting this guy to pull a mountain of dimes, nickels, and pennies out of his backpack, but no...he's got a wallet.  On a chain.  And it's got a credit card in it.  Now it gets good.

"Sir, your card has been declined.  Do you have a debit card?"

Somewhat surprisingly to me, he does. 

"Sir, your card has insufficient funds."

Now I'm trying not to laugh as Homeless Joe gets exasperated.

"Aw are you kidding me?  I checked it a couple days ago and I had $3.64 left on that thing!"

This dude was down to his last four dollars, and he spent it on a bag of Sour Patch Kids.  Sorry - he ATTEMPTED to spend it on Sour Patch Kids.  Who knows what he actually spent it on.  Now, instead of just shuffling on out the door, our determined hero takes his giant bag of Sour Patch Kids back to the rack and......you're not going to believe this.....picked out a SMALLER BAG OF SOUR PATCH KIDS.  Incredible.  I loved everything about this.  He saunters back, muttering about how he now looks like a hypocrite for talking about the guy in front of us holding up the line.  Sadly, he now had to go to the back of the line, and I wasn't about to wait around just to see if he had enough for a small bag of Sour Patch Kids.  What should have been a five minute trip had already taken me close to twenty. 

This was, by far, the most amusing thing that happened to me all week.  Also, it made me very thankful that I've forgotten what it's like to have to wonder if you have enough money to buy a snack....much like I've forgotten what it's like to ask for $1.76 of gas at the station so I can make it home.

Here's to hoping something this weekend reminds you how lucky you are to have what you have, instead of being grumpy about what you don't.