Bachelorette 2020 Week 3: Hypocrites, All of You!

Normally, I write as I watch the show, but this week I decided to watch the entire show, then blog about it. This may mean fewer direct quotes from the episode, and maybe I forget a few key things, but it sure does save me some time. Let's see how this goes:

Time for the Yosef-Clare showdown! Remember when Riley got all up in arms about Yosef speaking for the group, because he's a grown ass man and can speak for himself? Well meet hypocrite one of the night, as Yosef, Harvard Bennett, and Riley have a conversation about how Yosef should speak up to Clare about the lack of respect she showed on the strip dodgeball date. Not going to handle this one yourself, Riley?

This is actually a pretty time-honored tactic on Bachelor shows - bunch of guys egg one guy on to address a problem they all have, knowing if it goes sideways he's gonna be the one getting the boot.

Well guess what? It goes sideways. Like Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church level sideways. Yosef starts out well, although I still think it's a bit disingenuous of him to say he was offended by her calling the guys out for not showing her more love on the first group date now, when he "tried to speak for the group" to apologize for their behavior in the moment. Anyways, he's pretty respectful, but then he drops the "oldest bachelorette in history," which....yikes. I don't think he was meaning it to sound as bad as it did, but at that point you could tell Clare was done listening to him, so he just went Yosemite Sam and emptied both barrels into her

So Yosef is here mansplaining classless behavior to Clare, Clare is in full "I'm a strong, independent woman, you can't tell me I'm wrong!" mode, and it just devolves from there. Yosef fires off a few "I would never strip on TV...what would my daughter think? Well, you had no problem showing off your "fresh out the shower" look for the camera's night one, Yosef! Also, is following a woman around yelling at her about how old and classless she is, attacking things you know she's self conscious about setting a good example for your daughter man? 

Anyways, this drama leads to our first "COCKTAIL PARTY IS CANCELLED!" moment of the season. Boo hoo. A bunch of guys you don't care about are let go.

All this, and we haven't had a date yet! Well, we still don't, as Clare decides to cancel a "fun day date" activity to have a smaller cocktail party with the guys. But psyche! it's not a cocktail party either! It's a "let me whisk Dale off to my bedroom and dry hump for an hour!" date. The guys - rightfully so - are a little annoyed. Eazy trots off to find them, and wanders in to a makeout session....awkward. A bunch of other one on one chats happen until Dale "accidentally" walks in on Clare with a dude. Clare immediately dismisses the poor sap, and makes out with Dale some more. More guys are upset.

One on One date with Zach J. Zach J is like a human dog. Seems nice, also probably gets confused every time he hears a phone ring on television, even though it's not his ringtone. He was baffled when Clare told him she liked getting pedicures to unwind....like he didn't know what a pedicure was, or that the idea of relaxing was so foreign to him his brain just shut down or something. Anyways, the rest of the date isn't important until Clare goes in for a kiss, but the slams on the brakes about two inches from Zach's lips. Zach, understandably, is confused. Clare takes his confusion as a sign of repulsion at the thought of kissing her, so she swears at him and walks away, refusing to talk about it with him. Zach tries to show her he's prepared to kiss her, and tries to pull her in for the kiss, but the moment is gone. Clare retreats to her room, cries while cuddling her dogs, Zach wanders around in a beach towel bewildered, then gets stood up at dinner until Clare sends Chris Harrison to dismiss him. 

My analysis of this: Clare is so in the tank for Dale that she's now inventing reasons to get rid of other guys. She decided to hesitate on the kiss to make Zach come the last 5% of the way to her. Zach wasn't expecting it and froze, and she now turned this into "he doesn't want to kiss me, I have to get rid of him." But then Clare-Bear takes it like 75 steps to far, imagining that he pulled away (he definitely didn't), then interpreting his trying to show her he wasn't against kissing her as him "aggressively grabbing her." Major Clare hypocrisy for touting her strength and "finding her voice" and all that all season, then sending out her pseudo-dad Chris Harrison to dump poor Zach. Rough break Zach, I hope you get to go to Pandemic Paradise, wherever they have that. Oh and Clare.....

On to the final group date of the night.....a roast! Clare encourages the guys to dish it out, because she loves a guy who can make her laugh and knows how to have fun. Margaret Cho is here (also DeAnna Pappas made an appearance), because apparently everyone's been quarantining for weeks to be trotted out for five minutes, and, so ABC can get Dale on this date, the rest of the guys will be in the audience to hear the roasting.

Most of the guys are a little jealous of Dale, so they go HAM on Dale. Particularly Bennett, whose jokes range from pretty funny to "not really a joke, just a mean comment." Anyways, Clare no longer thinks jokes are funny, and at one point calls Dale "my fiancé" to a producer. After the date, Clare continually cuts off guys talking about themselves or her to focus on their Dale jokes or comments, then hilariously tells all the guys she "didn't get what she needed from them" and refuses to give out the group date rose. Again, she refuses to give the guys room to grow their relationships with her, then admonishes them for not growing their relationship. 

I'll admit, I was pretty much expecting Clare to melt down and be a trainwreck as The Bachelorette, but I thought I'd enjoy it more than this. She just kinda sucks and has created her own reality about what is going on here, where her and Dale are  victims of some conspiracy to keep them apart. Thankfully it looks like Tayshia is going to emerge from some sort of underwater COVID free bunker in a bikini to get us back on track soon. Yippee!

COVID BaDalerette Week Two

Let's start this special Dale-centric episode of the Bachelorette with some famous Dales:

We start with a Romeo and Juliet montage of guys saying grandiose but generic love things, because really they don't know her....I mean some of these guys were in high school when she was on the show last time. But basically, it's blah, blah, blah, blah, let's get to Dale. He says some mumbojumbo about her spirit and her energy like she's a fucking poltergeist, but of course it's music to her ears. "I've never had guys talk to me like this before!" says the woman who has never been on a national TV show in a fake tower while guys on a stage are forced to say things to her. Oh Clare....so hot, and yet so dumb. She looks and acts like a woman half her age.

Next, the guys have to give her gifts. I'm trying to figure out why guys brought some of this stuff with them (the baseball from the last game they played in, chess pieces). I mean, yes they are important and significant, but would you bring the baseball from the last game you played on vacation? Hell no you wouldn't, that thing is priceless! 

But really, let's talk about Dale. He brought a bottle of dog cologne. NO. Dogs are not people. Dogs don't use deodorant or need perfume. They smell like dogs, and that's ok, because they are dogs. If I have one pet peeve, it's treating animals like humans. I love my dog, but I do not treat him like a human child. I call that guy a fucker three times a day and have no qualms about sequestering him in the bathroom with a baby gate if he gets hyper. He sleeps in a crate and eats dog food. 

Next we do blindfolded hugs. It makes sense for Clare to be blindfolded, but why are the guys? I mean...they know who they're hugging....no mystery there. Clare says she knows who a guy is because of how he smells. Some other dude that looks like a poor man's Colin Jost (I'm done with names at this point because I already don't care if they're not named Dale) perks up and says he's big on smell too. "My stepmother drilled into me at age 12 that boys are supposed to smell good and it isn't that hard to do." 

Well, if that ain't the creepiest thing ever said on this show. We tell Jonah to wear deodorant so he doesn't smell like a hobo, but we're drilling into him "don't smell bad," which I think is far different than encouraging your 12 year old to wear Joop or whatever the kids are wearing these days.

On to the actual date part of the night. Harvard guy makes sure to let her know he's a Harvard guy. Clare can't let go of the fact that the guys got a little awkward when she showed up. I mean, it is kind of strange when there's one girl in a group of 10 guys and all the guys are trying to hook up with her. So you know what? She's gonna cut Harvard guy off while he's talking to go lecture the guys for not showing her how awesome she was. "At the end of the day, I'm a woman," Clare says, as if that means anything. What's the alternative...at the end of the day, I'm a banana?"

Dale of course steps up and says his piece about how she's never gonna feel that way again as if he can promise that...but let's be honest....if she's gonna flip out over an awkward silence in a group, you're gonna have a real hard time not making her feel offended when you say "hang on let me finish this email," or "Hon can you move a little to the left? I can't see the TV." 

Then Riley and Yosef get into it because Yosef said "let me speak for the group," and Riley is a grown ass man that speaks for himself. Riley is being overly sensitive here, but Yosef is too insecure to just apologize and move on. Instead, he continues to explain why it's ok for him to speak for the group, even though he knows it bothers Riley. Testosterone man....it's a hell of a drug.

Clare then gives one of the guys her life's story, but she tells it like some sort of preacher telling the story of Jesus to his parishioners....eyes closed, head tilted towards the sky, every word is a thunderbolt from her soul. Nobody loves themselves some Clare more than Clare.

Some more guys let her preach her truth, with lots of "you go girl!" words of encouragement to her. Riley gets the date rose for dancing to an imaginary Boyz II men song with her and asking her what she wants in a husband. Honestly surprised that Dale didn't get it. The Dale Show is a bit derailed.

Yosef says that he thought Clare came off as hot headed and immature (true) and that she's not living up to who he thought she was. THIS IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS DUDE.....do some research next time. This is like saying "I was really surprised at how mean Trump was...he's not living up to who I thought he was."

Jason gets the first one-on-one date, but before that, Clare gives him some homework: write a letter to your former self. Jason is not real keen on this idea, but he's gonna soldier through. Clare says that she's really funny and the first to crack jokes to make others feel comfortable....which is the exact opposite of how she responded to the awkward silence on her group date. Clare is bonkers. Attractive, but bonkers. She's the kind of girl that guys try to convince themselves that they can get past or tone down her emotional ups and downs, but then end up too far down the road to get out and just completely frustrated with the relationship.

They then write down their faults, which seems like the worst first date idea in history. "Hey, why don't you tell me everything bad about yourself before I know a single good thing." That's a big hole to dig yourself out of Jason. Clare then cries, reading a letter she wrote about things she already knows that happened twenty years ago. I guess I'm extremely thankful that there's nothing in my past that traumatic, because this seems so foreign to me. Jason reads his letter and then talks about himself like he's Bruce Banner and if you get him angry or make him feel too much, the Hulk is gonna show up and destroy everything. Once again, The Bachelor proves that if you allude to having demons but not really say anything other than "I've had a rough life emotionally" you are almost guaranteed a rose. Can't wait to hear Harvard Rob or whatever his name is say "I've had a step up on everyone since the day I was born, and my life has been awesome." No way you get a rose after saying that, even if it is true.

Then they burn the Juan Pablo dress, which  to me is kind of weird, because I thought it would symbolize to her the day she found her voice and to never let a man dictate her feelings to her again, but whatever. Way to turn a positive into a negative.

Group date time! Time to play dodgeball. You know those college football videos where they show the team their new jerseys and everyone goes nuts? This was like that, only way dorkier. The guys come in to some $4 tank tops and shorts that look like they were purchased at the Champion outlet store and the guys are clapping and acting excited to have these dorky jerseys.

Lucky for them, they won't have them on long, because Clare turns this into strip dodgeball. What is even happening? Blue team really couldn't wait to get those jerseys off as they get swept and have to get naked down to their matching blue jockstraps. A few guys go full monty, but at least one refuses to show his twig n' berries. Good on you bud, and shame on ABC for creating an environment where people feel pressured to show off their junk before they're ready to. Also, I don't find this entertaining to watch at all, and I'd feel super creepy if a dude made the ladies play strip dodgeball as well. What does Clare learn from this? That the guys she already knew were super fit are actually super fit? Is she gonna claim she's here to find love, but only if the guy is packing a security guard's flashlight in his pants? So bizarre.

Bearded rule breaker Blake is not happy being naked and alone, so he clothes himself up and returns to the fray. The guys are like shocked that he'd show such blatant disrespect for the rules. All the winners are pissed and decide to posse up to shame him out of his time with Clare. They basically want him to leave because they "won fair and square" and Clare basically tells them "get out of here, I got this." She then basically shoos Blake away. Apparently breaking the rules to talk to her is cool when nobody is telling her it's messed up. Now it's not as great to break the rules if Clare is gonna get criticism for rewarding it.

Brandon the real estate dude tries to get somewhere with Clare by saying she's beautiful, but she's like "tell me more about myself" and he's like "nah fam, that's all I know." and she's like "you didn't even watch my season?" and he's like "dude I told you were beautiful, I know you feel what I feel too!" And she's like "bro, you don't know what I think" and she kicks his ass out. Take note guys, if you can't tell how strong and smart and funny and outspoken she is, you're going the hell home. Then, she tells every guy there that she sent him home because she's been in superficial relationships before and that's not what she's here for, which means we're in store for a lot of over the top, grandiose statements about the content of Clare's character and the depth of her soul.....buckle up everyone!

Yosef now goes into how much he dislikes Clare, which....I guess that's his right. He doesn't HAVE to like Clare, and if he doesn't see her as someone he wants in his daughter's life, well then he's gotta go. This should be interesting.....

Clare then opens the cocktail party by talking about how much fun she had the watching the blue team get naked, but it was "all in good fun." About those superficial relationships she was mentioning.....

Keeping with the contradictory vibes, Clare then pulls rule breaker Blake away to tell him privately that she DOES like his rule breaking. Again, it's cool to break the rules, but not when Clare might be criticized for condoning it. Then she makes sure everyone knows she condones it by giving Blake a rose. So weird. 

Let's close with some Dale time. Clare tells Dale she has a gift for him.....and it's a blindfold. Is this some sort of heightened senses thing? I don't get putting a blindfold him when he knows you're going to kiss him. I also don't get why, if that makes kissing so much better and it's a gift that she seemed excited to give him, that he took it off so quickly. WTF is going on with this lady.

I guess the Yosef/Clare showdown will have to wait for another day. To be continued.......

COVID BACHELORETTE BLOG

 If there's a sign that maybe, just MAYBE, things are going to return to normal soon, it's that the mutha f'in Bachelorette is back on my screen. I can't overstate how excited I am to have Clare back on my TV. There may not be an "I" in Clare, but there fucking should be because she is constant drama and it's all about her 24/7. 

Now might be a good time to say that Clare is definitely in the top 3 all-time person/raccoon buddy relationships, joining Pocohontas and Buddy the Elf.

Clare is from Sacramento, which is probably the first city to ever be mentioned on the Bachelor franchise that nobody will ever say is "the perfect place to fall in love." Think of all the places in California you'd like to visit, and I'll bet Sacramento is way down the list. 

Ooooh, a Juan Pablo flashback! Man, I forgot how ruthless Juan Pablo was. "Hooo, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" he says as she reads him the riot act. To give you an idea of how long it's been since Clare was on The Bachelor, during that flashback I could just look at Clare's outfit and hairstyle and the whole setting of that scene and think "Wow, that's got a real mid-2010s vibe to it."

Does anyone dress like this anymore?

Actually nobody dresses like anything anymore. #thankscovid. I'm about to wear out my favorite pair of sweatpants, which is saying something....because sweatpants last forever. I mean, maybe the elastic wears out, but that's like 15 years down the road. Now we get the COVID recap from Clare.....which seems so outdated. We all went through the fear about hugging our moms and all that MONTHS ago. Bonus points for the dramatic "COVID may mean I never get to meet my husband." 

Now we get a contrived and very insincere "what if I have COVID?" pacing scene. I mean, we all know that this wouldn't be on TV if she tested positive before the season even started, so why put it in there months later? Surprise...no COVID!

 

Let's meet the men!

Demar is a spin cycle instructor, which.....is a profession that screams he's probably got a Soundcloud album he's trying to get noticed.

Before we really get any info on these guys, we see a quick montage of them checking into the hotel and starting the quarantine process while awaiting test results. They do all the hokey stuff like jumping on the bed and fake meditating, which I guess is funny if you've never seen the great Harland Williams movie Rocketman. Now that's how you make isolation funny. Low marks for the Harvard guy, who is definitely going to play the privileged white dude to the max. Then again, I think we're supposed to hate him, so he's doing his job.

I realize that a majority of my readership is probably women, so I may get a few eye rolls when I say this, but Clare is gorgeous. I mean, she's one of the prettiest people ever on this show. Sadly, she's also super emotional and crazy. I mean, she talks about how excited she is to meet a "smoking hot" man, and when Chris asks her how she's changed from the woman who got out of the limo on Juan Pablo's season, and she immediately says "you mean that girl who got out of the limo?" Clare honey, you were 33 years old. She then starts crying talking about her dad, which is basically what she was doing six years ago on the show, so maybe we're still that same girl who got out of the limo after all.

Clare says she can pick her husband out the second she meets him, which makes you wonder how she's 39 and single with a strong, documented history of picking completely awful men who treat her poorly. Maybe this is a new development from her, though the teasers leading into every commercial sure make me feel like she's blowing smoke up our butts with this talk of her newfound husband radar.

As they wait for the limos, Chris gives her a pep talk and says "hey, you showed up....you always do" and Clare I just about lost it. Chris is America's dad at this point right? I don't know who it was before, but it's definitely Chris Harrison now.

First out of the limo is Ben the Army Ranger. He's very soldier like - no emotion - and has them do a breathing exercise. I'm trying to think of any scenario where I'd meet someone for the first time and ask them to do a deep breath with me where they wouldn't be like "GTFO dude, you're creeping me out." Maybe if I was their therapist or something. Anyways, Clare is so horny she finds it refreshing.

Attorney Riley says she's guilty of looking beautiful. Seems like that kind of thing works for him. Works on Clare. Didn't work on me.

Zac forgot his K or his H. He's an addiction specialist. He seems forgettable.

Tall man in short pants wearing velvet shoes. His name's Jordan. Doesn't matter. His pants are borderline capris. Pass.

Jason is a football player, and I'd make a joke about him taking one too many shots to the head if that was still socially acceptable. He riffed on Clare faking a pregnancy on Juan Pablos season during her intro, which I'd completely forgotten about but makes total sense with her personality.

Ivan works his mom and a foreign language into his opener. Strong play.

Kenny the boy band manager looks like the kind of guy that acts like he's in the boy band himself. I'll bet Kenny was in a boy band in his younger days, only his band never made it out of the county fair circuit, and he always thought it was because he had a shitty manager, and not because of his own mediocre talent. Now, a decade later, he's probably got some spoiled punk kid who thinks he's Justin Bieber breathing down his neck and  he's like "these kids today just don't get it." 

Brendan the roofer looks way out of his element. 

Canadian Mike brought slippers.

Jeremy the Banker says he wants to make her laugh as much as possible, but everything about him is putting me to sleep.

And now for a new segment in the blog we'll call "If Andy was a Producer on The Bachelorette," where I tell you a scene I would've filmed.

You know how when your kid gets a gift card to Target and immediately demands you take them there even though they have no idea what they want and just start pulling the first toy they see off the shelf and trying to talk themselves into how much they love this toy and you have to beg them to put it down and keep looking, and then they see another toy that sucks even more, but since they've seen it more recently than the toy they just put down they HAVE to have it, and you do this like 14 times before you settle on a toy that they don't really want but you at least can live with it in your house? I feel like that's Clare with every guy that gets out of the limo. Anyways, here's the scene:

Clare: THIS is the guy
Chris Harrison: Ho-ho-hold on there, Clare-bear (remember, he's her dad). We've still got 15 guys to go.
Clare: I don't know, Chris, that guy was a BOY BAND MANAGER who screen printed my dogs onto the bodies of colonial times people. How can I not marry him?
Chris Harrison: Kevin seemed very nice....but you haven't met this guy yet. He's a commercial roofer.
Clare: Nope.....I want the boy band manager (she can't admit she wants the guy her dad likes).
*A fitness instructor gets out of the limo in Tyler Cameron tight pants*
Clare: Nevermind, you're right. THIS is the guy.

And scene.

Now we get to the stereotypical contestant section. West Virginia guy goes full West Virginian (all he was missing was a plug of tobaccy in his cheek), and then Harvard guy goes full Harvard. Short beard guy plays the best friend angle, we get an awkward guy of some ethnicity, we get a millennial named AJ that spouts some random fact about eye color that he probably got off a TikTok video, an Asian doctor, a Floridian named Robby for the 47th season in a row, and a flashy former athlete in a salmon suit who goes by "Eazy," and then straight jacket guy, suit of armor guy, parachute guy, and guy in a bubble. 

Hilariously, the guy who seems to think that there's a lot of guys there for the wrong reasons is former athlete who calls himself "Eazy." 

Up next is Dale, the handsome tall drink of water who is 8 years Clare's junior and another former football player. Clare's definitely found someone worthy of spending her Target gift card on. 

Clare's life is apparently a Netflix Original movie. She begins speaking about meeting Dale in hyperbolic terms and how everything got fuzzy in the background behind him while he's talking. She all but declares the competition done, and Dale the winner. Dale getting out of a limo is like Vince Carter in a dunk contest

Clare then addresses all the guys and almost breaks down talking about how she was so hopeful that today was the last day she'd have to wake up alone and how hard it is to have to be strong all the time. I'm not sure why she has to be strong, and why she doesn't have to be strong if she's in a relationship? That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself there Clare. 

Clare's dog Honey then makes an appearance, and I'm a sucker for dogs. Honey seems cool, and it'd almost be worth putting up with Clare's emotional roller coaster just to hang out with Honey.

Clare then admits she's never seen My Cousin Vinnie, which is kind of unbelievable for a person of her age. She also makes the bizarre statement that these guys are all here and sacrificed "so much" to make sure she finds love. Ummm.....they gave up a few months of quarantine for some time at a resort in Palm Springs? 

Uh oh....Yosef and West Virginia have a history. Apparently Yosef's been sliding into Tyler's female friend's DMs. Yosef tries to get ahead of the situation by pulling Clare aside, but Clare does maybe the first thing on this show that I agree with her about: She just calls them both together and cuts to the quick - Tyler says he saw a video that was "a masked message" whatever that means, and then Yosef says he has "more respect for himself" than to send a girl a message on IG or something. In any event, neither of those guys are going to win now. Nice job guys. Seems like it'd be easy to figure this out...you know, if Chris Harrison just broke out his phone.

Clare is so happy that Short Bearded guy "broke the rules" to ask her how she was doing during quarantine. Clare is so impressed that he was the only guy to do that. Um...maybe because it's AGAINST THE RULES? Anyways, Clare found a guy that was willing to risk his shot at pseudo-fame on the show to let her know that he cared about her as a person. I'm happy for her, and happy that she acknowledged that, because those are the right reasons. 

Then  of course she gives the first impression rose to Dale and makes out with him. Fuckin A Clare. Fuckin. A.

Rose Ceremony time! Guys are complaining about Tyler and Yosef and their five minute argument on a night that probably lasted 10 hours ruined their chances of spending time with Clare. I'm sure that was the problem and not all the time she spent making out with Dale.

Beardy gets the first rose...good for him! Do we call that the second impression rose? Salmon Suit Eazy, some guy named Ben, Riley the Lawyer, one of the Zac(k)(h)'s, one of the Tylers, Doctor Asian, dummy football player Jason, Demar the spin cycle instructor, Chasen with the big teeth, capri pants Jordan, Blake without the beard or chest hair, Boy Band Kenny, Brendan the roofer, a couple of guys dressed like lounge singers, Harvard douche, the other Zac(k)(h), straight jacket guy (c'mon Clare!), another random guy ro two, and now we're down to the last rose....and it goes to Yosef the Dad/Instagram Creep (allegedly). 

West Virginia might've wanted to keep his Instagram bomb in his buckskin trousers for a little while longer because he's gone, along with some tattooed guy named Page and a few other inconsequentials.

Wow...I'd kind of forgotten how long it takes to blog one of these episodes! Still, it felt good to get back to something that was part of pre-quarantine times. Looking forward to what drama Clare creates for herself next week!