Bachelor in Paradise: They're not even trying anymore.

It's gonna be hard to top last Monday's episode, but here we go.

Benoit is recounting to Kevin and Astrid how he had a great date with Jenna and how Jordan was waiting for them when he returned. Benoit seems scared of Jordan.

I repeat, he is afraid of a male model who dresses like the Hawaiian Punch guy come to life and beats up stuffed animals. I believe Benoit also was scared of someone on Winter Games for some equally sissy reason. It's almost like Benoit has never been exposed to the real world.

In other news, Chris just says to Krystal "your butt is unreal." When she questions him on marriage, he says "coming from a divorced family, the girl I get engaged to is the girl I want to be with forever," as if people who have witnessed stable marriages don't understand stable marriages. This is like saying people who grew up in non-smoking households are more likely to be smokers, or people whose parents aren't in jail are more likely to end up in jail. He then says that commitment is not a game and he's not getting married just because you have a kid together like my parents did."

 The guy who was talking about girls as menu items last week, who told Krystal her butt was unreal, is now claiming he's "100%" into commitment, and Krystal is HERE. FOR. IT. Krystal then says Chris making me glow, the timing for us to connect is divine," as if she just spent a week in Rajneeshpuram getting relationship advice (and drugs) from the Bhagwan himself.

This is immediately followed by Connor showing up. You might remember Connor as the square jawed frat boy villain in every college comedy you've ever seen. Connor pulls Krystal aside to see what she thinks because "everything looks right on her." Guys are the worst. Krystal tells Connor how awesome he is and how she came here specifically to meet him and how she wanted to keep herself available for him....and then shuts him down before he can ask for a date. DIABOLICAL. Krystal is absolutely insane. I have no idea how, but somehow this isn't over.

FIVE MINUTES LATER......

Connor is undeterred by Krystal's pre-emptive denial of the date card. He asks her anyways, and Krystal says "well I mean as long as you know where I'm at." Paradise logic is awesome. Try asking some guy's wife out on a date and see if she says "well, as long as you know that I'm married I guess it's cool." NO. IT IS NOT COOL, KRYSTAL. The moral of the story is that nobody will take you seriously if you call yourself The Goose. Krystal then straight up tells Chris that she came here for Connor, but that Chris "surprised her." Krystal is a black widow, man. Chris is going to end up a broken man, and I'm not sure what's going to happen to Connor, but it won't be pretty.

Krystal and Connor's "date" is to get buried alive while some guy sings in the background. Krystal seems to think that this is some sort of ritual to let go of the past and form a new relationship. I think they're getting cooked alive by a guy who's about to eat them. This leads to Connor howling like a wolf and them making out in the ocean. Naturally.

Jordan tells Jenna she's amazing, Jenna makes out with him. She needs to tell Benoit "some things." Those things are "I'm not going to kiss you or Jordan until I figure stuff out." This is followed by a lot of making out, because Jenna is super crazy too.

Jordan, of course, is not pleased with this. But rather than talk to Jenna, he accuses Benoit of brainwashing her and wants to know why he's kissing her when she told Jordan that she was done with him. Benoit is not happy with this line of questioning, so he storms off, muttering about how crazy Jordan is. Benoit is so mad, he angry grabs a water bottle. #CANADIANRAGE.

Kenny then bounces from paradise to see his daughter's dance recital....a noble move, but let's be honest - this was always his plan. I'm trying to imagine Kenny telling his daughter "I'm heading to Mexico, I might come back for your dance recital. We'll see how things go." No way. So instead, he just goes down to Paradise and makes out with Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Annaliese, decides that Annaliese is the least likely to call him on his bullshit, and then plays the altruistic father card which Annaliese eats up. She's now convinced that she was with the perfect guy (that made out with two other girls in the hours before they got together) and he sacrificed their relationship for his daughter's love. He booked that flight home way before he even met you, sweetie. Annaliese is like an old house - you pick her thinking you can fix her flaws and wind up with something truly special and unique on the other side, but in reality you're just going to sink a lot of time and money into her only to find out she's got some problems that just can't be fixed, like a cracked foundation or something and you end up having to cut her loose for your own sanity. She's constantly on sale on Zillow, if you know what I mean.

Also, you're not going to believe this, but John killed himself. I've seen this commercial so many times I have no intention of ever watching this show. Then again, I said I was never going to go to the Shane Company for an engagement ring because of all the commercials...and yet when it came time to actually pull the trigger, where did I go??

Annaliese looks around and sees everyone else making out and decides that maybe Paradise isn't for her....until Kamil shows up. Kamil told Becca he wanted to meet her halfway....like 60/40. He says it was a joke, but she didn't find it funny. I didn't take it as a joke then, but watching it back, I suppose he could be telling the truth. Of course he wants to talk to Annaliese, who is already like "Kenny who?" This is the biggest flaw of the show, in my opinion. I know that a majority of these "couples" aren't nearly as into each other as the show makes them out to be, but they could at least act just a little conflicted when they go on to the next dude/lady.

Kamil says he's from New York, and immediately Annaliese says she's always been attracted to the "New York vibe." I could write a whole bunch about how insane this is, but I'll end it by saying that Kamil could not look less interested in Annaliese if he tried.

I gotta move on though, because Kevin just pulled THE DUMBEST shit on Astrid. I'm not sure if his plan was to make himself look like an ass and make Astrid a sympathetic character to the other guys and maybe give her a bump on getting another date in the future....because if that's was the case, then what he did was genius. I'm not giving Kevin that much credit thought. A relationship genius he is not.

Anyways, he tells Astrid that he wishes she would go on a date with someone else, so that he could be sure that she wants to be with him. What I think he really means to say is that HE wants to date other people.  He's trying to spin it like when they get back to the real world, everyone will want to date them, and they're going to be tested by all these people wanting to date both of them.

Somehow, this turns into Kevin crying and saying he thought he was getting married on the Bachelorette, and then with Ashley on the Winter Games he didn't know where it was going, but he "was optimistic." Given those two descriptions, imagine my shock when Kevin says the breakup with Ashley left him more heartbroken than he's ever been.

 Kevin goes to therapy twice a week because of his time on the Bachelorette shows. Makes sense he'd come on a third then. I think he needs to fire his therapist that signed off on him coming back.

Oh Jenna broke up with Benoit because Benoit is a ninny. Duh. Harley Quinn dates the Joker, not the guy who crosses the street when a guy with a leather jacket is walking towards him. Benoit sucks.

 Kendall now knows that Leo kissed Chelsea, because Kevin told her, then acts like she already knew and BLAMES ASTRID because she told him that she was going to tell Kendall. Awesome job, Kevin.

Kendall is mad at Leo for not being all in on her. This coming from a girl that is ostensibly in a relationship with Grocery Store Joe. Leo is mad that Kendall is mad at him, so he's going to beat up whoever told Kendall.

Why is Leo so certain it was a guy that told Kendall? Why couldn't it have been a girl who is a friend of Kendall's who is looking out for her?

Leo and Kevin yell a lot of things at each other then agree that they're both cool. Now Leo decides that Kendall is "being irrational" by telling him that Chelsea's kiss upsets her. Leo then just says a bunch of crazy shit, and Kendall does that condescending thing she did on Arie's season where she explains to someone what they're feeling and it predictably doesn't go well. Joe steps in.....and we'll find out what happens tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise: Jorge is a Fraud

Two nights in a row! Last night was phenomenal, which gives me high hopes for tonight. On the other hand, how could it possibly live up to the example of last night?

You guys. I don’t think Jorge was a real bartender. I don’t think he actually opened a business as a tour guide. I know for a FACT he didn’t write a romance novel. Seriously, what was that? I wanted to just clown Arie, Lauren, Amanda, and Ben for agreeing to be bad actors in a five minute movie about a fake romance novel, and then I realized that if someone called me and said “hey let me fly you down to Mexico. You pretend to be a mariachi star whose girlfriend hates him.” Who says no to that? That sounds awesome!

Meanwhile, Leo comes in and all the ladies lose their damn minds. It’s like feeding time at the zoo. The promos keep trying to tell us that Joe and Kendall are one of the strongest couples in Paradise, yet it took her all of two seconds to say yes to a date with generic brand Fabio. I feel bad for Joe. Hell, I kind of was Joe. In college, I spent a summer in Colorado at a ski resort. It was kind of like Paradise, in that they just threw a bunch of people in their early 20s together for a few months. A small population, short time frame, you start to think there are feelings that don’t really exist. At the end of the summer, I actually had a girl say to me “I think I like you about half as much as you like me.” Been there Joe. I’ve been there.

Shortly after returning from her date with Leo, turns out that maybe Kendall is there too as Leo immediately makes out with Chelsea. Whoopsie Kendall. Jordan of course is there to tell us that Leo
is “sampling all the porridge” which I think was a reference to all the girls having blonde hair like Goldilocks. Also at some point Jordan refers to the guys all being in various stages of doing their laundry in terms of making relationship mistakes. If I were Jordan, I would start an app where people asked me for advice and I would equate them to some random thing. This show is dead when he goes home.

Tia and Colton go on a date, and surprise, Jorge has changed jobs again. He’s now a street DJ having a salsa competition. Oh look, Raven and Adam are here. Really they are here so Raven can tell Tia she hates Colton and thinks he's got bad intentions. "You deserve someone who treats you like Adam treats me" she says. Translation: I'm jealous that your guy is better looking and you two are more famous than me and my guy and it's not fair because you're only famous because I was on the show first and recommended you for it. Raven sucks.

Tia cries, Raven threatens to cut Colton's unused penis off, and then Raven feels her work is done. She's gone. Colton and Tia go to have a talk. Tia says she wants to be the first and best option always, which seems like a weird thing to ask. Wouldn't you want to be the only option? Colton vows not to look at another woman in Paradise, because Tia is his girlfriend. Tia demands to be asked to be his girlfriend, because #womenarenotproperty.

Benoit is here, and girls are digging the accent. Benoit pulls Kevin aside, Kevin says he'd like Krystal because she's blonde and high energy. Benoit starts off by calling her Kendall. Strong start, bud. He goes on to say that reality TV has "worked out well for him" twice already. He did not win Bachelorette Canada, had an on again off again on again off again relationship with Clare on and after Bachelor Winter Games....this is not a strong track record of success buddy. I want him to succeed with Krystal just to see the Goose's feathers ruffled, but I guess I'll have to settle for him setting off Jordan and getting his similie generator going.

Jordan is in rare form:
He says that Beniot "better have Jenna home to daddy early, because she's got a curfew."
He calls him Pepe le Pew and then says he's "the Diet Coke of French" because he's from Canada.
He calls him Jean Blanc 2.0

Meanwhile, Jenna is slathering her lipstick all over Beniots face, and I'm fully convinced that she escaped from Arkham Asylum with the Penguin and the Joker. I think the term I'm looking for is "Criminally Insane."

Want evidence? She thinks that the fact he was recently engaged is a good thing, because "it shows he's open to commitment." This is like saying "I know he just got fired, but I think that's a good thing because it shows that at least he can get a job in the first place."

Jordan tries to apologize by writing "I'm sorry" in the sand. This seems like a good start, but then he says "I mean, what's a guy gotta do?" as if she should've forgiven him already. Nice plan, Jordan. Jenna tells Jordan she had a really good connection with Benoit, but also with him. Jordan then tells Jenna that she needs to just let him know if it's not going to be him, because he's only here because of her. "Only one Jenna in the world," he says, as he walks off to bed.

I'm walking off to bed too. I should've known that the show couldn't have kept up the momentum that last night created.

Bachelor in Paradise: WTF Edition

The blog is back, and I promise it's not just because my son's soccer coach's wife wondered when I would blog again and I'm trying to suck up to get my son more playing time. (Hi Ashley!) But seriously, soccer is playing a big part in the blog returning. A tournament this weekend took all the energy out of my kids, and a cancelled soccer practice due to poor air quality allowed them to get home early, eat dinner, and be asleep before 9pm for what seems like the first time since they could walk.

You know, I really thought nothing could kill my love for blogging about Bachelor related TV. Then Becca's season happened. In what was maybe the worst season of the show ever, I just couldn't do it. Hell, I could barely watch it. I think I stopped blogging after week 2. I stopped watching on Monday night about week 5, and I didn't even watch the finale or Men Tell All.

And I don't want to put this all on Becca. Becca seems amazing. A good person, a fun hang, pretty, smart.....she's really somebody any guy should want to date. I just don't want to watch her on TV. She was too normal, made too many rational decisions, and -let's be honest - never would have been The Bachelorette had Arie not blindsided her on national television. Nobody was hashtagging #beccaforbachelorette before that episode. NOBODY. Afterwards, we all felt like she DESERVED it, but I think we all thought in the back of our minds "this really doesn't make sense."

Tia would've been a better choice (more on this later). Bekah definitely would've been a better choice, even though we all know she would've picked nobody or broken it off with the "winner" before the finale aired to go smoke peyote in a teepee in Flagstaff. But we got Becca, and then we got maybe the dumbest group of men ever. I mean, she picked a guy with a history of liking racially insensitive Instagram posts. THAT WAS THE BEST GUY OF THE BUNCH. Just brutal.

Anyways, things are better now. We're in Paradise, where people stop pretending that they're in love with someone just because they thing they're supposed to be, and start horndogging it up all over Mexico. Bad decisions abound. Tia, who was one of the most generally well liked personalities ever on this franchise, burned through all of that goodwill faster than I thought humanly possible. First she essentially blocked any chance Colton had with Becca with her wishy washy attitude towards him, then she decides to take that absolute moron Chris on a date. This is a guy who refers to himself as "The Goose." He calls himself this not because he likes geese. Not because he thinks they are majestic creatures, not because of some generally accepted noble trait of the species, and not even because that was the call sign of Anthony Edward's character in Top Gun. Any of those would be acceptable reasons to call yourself Goose. No, this jamoke calls himself "The Goose" because he want's people to know he's not the seriously deranged, out of control meathead he was portrayed as on The Bachelorette, but rather he's a "silly goose." To show how silly he is, he wears a Karate Kid style bandana, which is neither silly nor goose-like.

This one's for you, Goose

I figured Tia was maybe just taking a totally unlikable guy on a date so that she wouldn't be tempted to hook up with anyone before Colton showed up, but noooooooooo.....Tia asks him what he's looking for in a woman. Chris then spouts off a few very generic things about Tia's personality that are blatantly obvious to anyone who has spent five minutes watching the show, including that he wants to date someone who isn't from a big city or some crap. Tia, honey, a word of advice: Never ask someone you're on a date with what they're looking for in a woman. There is literally no incentive for the guy to tell you anything other than qualities he sees in you. If he says he's looking for a short girl who likes Pokemon and runs ultramarathons, the date is over. On the other hand, if he says something similar to your own personality, well then there's the chance for a kiss and some heavy petting before the night is over. Tia seems oblivious to this fairly obvious scenario, and is totally impressed that Chris described her to a T(ia) (#dadjoke).

Chris then pushes all his idiot chips in to the middle of the table rather than cashing out with Tia. No......The Goose is now feeling himself, so he's gotta fly and kiss KRYSTAL.

Imagine you are Chris. You nickname yourself Goose and refer to yourself in the third person while wearing a Karate Kid headband, and you've just hooked up with Tia, an absolutely gorgeous woman who (up to this point in the show) is generally well liked. Everyone would be impressed if you came home with her. So the first thing you do is find one of the most universally hated and generally agreed upon psychopaths in the history of the franchise and make out with her by saying "I've never kissed a blonde and I'd like you to be the first."

Side note, HOW DO LINES LIKE THAT WORK? One time I saw a friend of mine get a girl to leave the bar with him after the first words he said to her were "your hair smells nice." Thank God I'm married, because I did not, do not, and never will understand how to talk to women. I'm quite certain I'd hate myself for saying something like that.

So the Goose cooked himself, Jordan continued to show why he is one of the great characters in reality show history, and Annaliese is so far removed from the pretty girl that I bonded with over bumper car trauma, I'm having trouble remembering that special connection we had. Jenna is pretty much Harley Quinn without the makeup and giant mallett, Bibiana is still awesome, and David is still the worst human ever. Not like evil worst, or mean worst, or deceitful worst.....he's just like THE WORST.

I think that pretty much covers the first two weeks....let's get into tonight's episode!

I'd forgotten that Colton, who seemed pissed that Tia ruined his chance with Becca and then sort of led him on before kissing Chris, was the one that spilled the beans to Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. If I'm Colton, don't I just let Tia make a huge mistake with Chris, thereby freeing me up to date any number of girls that would want to watch me walk around Paradise shirtless all day? Objectively speaking, Colton is a pretty decent looking guy who is in ridiculously good shape AND has allegedly never slept with a woman. That seems like catnip to a girl that would be willing to be on a reality show. I mean, he's like good looking AND you'd have the chance to be the first to explore virgin territory with him (#dadjoke). And yet instead of just letting all this drama remove itself from his personal space, he decides to shake up his own personal sno-globe and watch everything fly around him. Good plan man.

Chris' response to being called out on this is to tell Tia that she's overreacting and just because he "had a moment" with Krystal and that him kissing her has not changed his feelings toward Tia. This Goose douche literally says that he would turn down a date card THEN says he's keeping his options open THEN SAYS that he decided that it was over between him and Tia BEFORE she started talking to him. Krystal witnesses all of this, is an active participant in this shit, and THEN SAYS THAT SHE'S SO EXCITED THAT CHRIS IS AVAILABLE. Amazingly, Chris then says that he needs tequilla and walks off to get a drink, and THIS is what offends Krystal. Him going to get a drink without talking to you first is more concerning than that entire disaster of a conversation tells me all I need to know about Krystal. She is EXACTLY who she seemed to be on Arie's season.

Jordan continues to be the greatest troll in the history of reality TV, telling Chris he did nothing wrong other than not "telling the world that he was making moves" before he made moves. I have no idea what this means. He then tells Tia that as long as her and Colton are on the same page "it's time for someone to be a man and someone to be a woman." I have no idea what that means, but I love it. Jordan being this show's Dr. Phil is the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show.

Jacqueline shows up, and this sends Tia into conniptions. All I remember about Jaclyn is that she's crazy smart. She basically talked Arie into a coma and then left on her own because she realized she was reading War and Peace while he was reading The Poky Little Puppy. She seems to want to take Colton on a date, which makes no sense, because the first thing out of his mouth is "so you're here! That's awesome!" If Arie is reading The Poky Little Puppy, Colton isn't very far ahead. Maybe he's Green Eggs and Ham. This is a guy that asked Chris Harrison what was "expected of him" in the fantasy suite.

Colton is frustrated because "all these girls keep asking me on a date." He turns down Jacqueline for the date because he doesn't want to hurt Tia. Tia says "I just want to be with someone who chooses me." Colton says "He's not there yet." Then they both threaten to leave Paradise because they don't want to be there just to be there. Then Tia tells Bibiana that it's her job to tell Colton how she feels.

These people suck so bad.  It's amazing.

Meanwhile, Annaliese tells people that she's finally figured out what she wants: Someone who is kind and adores her. Man, Annaliese and I have horrible timing. Annaliese decides this person is Kenny. Jacqueline immediately asks Kenny on a date. He says yes and SHAKES HER HAND. Annaliese is about to lose it. Kenny kisses Jacqueline, and then Kenny comes home and immediately goes to hang out with Annaliese, who serves him yogurt. Kenny likes this so much, he takes his shirt off. I'm so confused as to what the hell these people

We then get some filler content with all the people nobody cares about. Dork John is caught in a love triangle between dork Jubilee and dork Caroline. Socially Awkward Bachelor in Paradise is the not nearly as good a show as the original. I look forward to Trivago ads more than these people interacting on my television.

Kevin is still here and looks like Brendan Frasier in Encino Man if he started drinking when the movie came out twenty years ago and just never stopped. He's talking to Krystal when the GooseDouche pulls her aside and tells her "not to worry about the rose." He then pulls her aside and says she "is not what he was expecting." When she asks what he was expecting he responds with one word: "crazy."I feel like I'm watching the prequel to an episode of Cops where the officers show up just as a full beer can is thrown through the living room window.

Bibiana is now trying to talk Colton into loving Tia, and it's making her cry thinking about how nobody loves her. This show is incredible. I wonder how many emails these people have in their inboxes from therapists that are like "yo you need to call me."

After all that, Colton pulls Tia aside now they're dating and all I'm thinking is that we just wasted like six hours of television pretending these two dummies didn't already have an exclusive relationship.

Finally we have a rose ceremony. Did you know Eric was still in Paradise? Also some girl named Angela...and they're in a relationship? Drunk Encino man is with someone named Astrid.

Jordan then poses a bunch for Jenna, and they make out. Jordan then tells us that Jenna is awesome and that she says "uh huh" when they kiss and squirts coffee in his mouth. I don't have any idea what the physics of such a feat are, but I feel cheated that ABC didn't show this happening.

Back on Dorks in Paradise, John is getting a massage from Jubilee and they said some things to each other, but I fell asleep, so I don't know what it was.

David's still here, telling Bibiana that Kenny told him that she's got a big booty. Apparently this is enough to convince Bibiana that she needs to talk to Kenny. Kenny of course tells her she's fine and makes out with her. Annaliese, Jacqueline and Bibiana are all convinced they're getting Kenny's rose.

Bibs is using her booty, Jacqueline is using her brain, and Annaliese is using Mexican Wrestling Masks. Chess not checkers, Annaliese.

David is here to ruin Jordan's fun by hitting on Jenna by giving her a big stuffed dog which she names Brownie. Jordan is not impressed and chucks Brownie into the water. I can't wait until David gives Jenna his rose at the rose ceremony. Jordan's on edge. Nobody is impressed, except of course for crazy Krystal, who thinks it's great that he's standing up for his woman by drowning a stuffed dog and yelling at two women (Jubilee and Chelsea) who really have nothing to do with the situation. Fun Jordan is way cooler than Mad Jordan, but Mad Jordan says way more entertaining stuff. Eric and Annaliese talk him off the ledge, and he apologizes to everyone for his anger, in what was a very 2018 TV moment - the angry white man seeing the error of his ways and apologizing for being disrespectful.

Jenna accepts his rose, but not his kisses. Not out of the doghouse yet, Jordan.
David give Chelsea his rose, which makes no sense because that will NEVER happen.
Encino Man gives Astrid his rose. Whatever.
Goose and Krystal accept each other. They're getting matching tattoos next week. Bank on it.
Dork John gives Dork Jubilee his rose. Dork Caroline is crushed.
Grocery Joe and Kendall are apparently a thing. A boring thing that never gets airtime, but a thing.
Colton and Tia need to go home now. There's nothing left  for them (or us the viewers) here.
Eric and Angela are two actual people on this show. I just confirmed it on the website, and apparently they will continue to be on the show next week. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
Kenny has the last rose. Annaliese, Bibiana, Jacqueline are the contenders, and somehow Bibiana's butt and Jacqueline's brain lose out to Annaliese's luchador masks. I don't think America gets it, but I totally do. I still believe in you, Annaliese.

Nyssa, Bibs, Jacqueline, and Caroline hit the bricks.

And we get to do this all again tomorrow! It's been fun!