We start with Nick saying that he is "more confident than ever" that this experience will end with him falling in love. So, instead of you being one of thirty dudes, you're confident that when you get the pick of thirty women the odds are more in your favor? Shocking.
Harrison calls the ladies together to discuss the format for the week: two group dates and a one-on-one. Chris makes sure to let the ladies know that not all the girls will be going on dates,(apparently it's physically impossible for one man to go on 22 dates in a week, go figure) so they need to "take advantage of the time they do have." Translation: Be a whore. Chris, you dog you.
The group date starts with the girls piling into matching convertibles and then sprinting through a mansion trying to find Nick. I think this would be a great group date: The Bachelor is hiding somewhere in a house, and the first one to find him gets private time....only the house is booby trapped Kevin McAllister style. Good stuff.
The date involves the girls in wedding photo shoots. Of course the girls have outfits in various wedding themes that have to do with their personalities....Crazy dolphinshark gets to be a pregnant bride with a gun, Corinne, who fancies herself as some sort of sex panther gets a bikini, etc. Corinne says she can't wait to kiss Nick again, and Taylor somehow thinks this is directed towards her, because of her confidence and connection with Nick. Congrats Taylor, I somehow like you less than the obvious villain on the show.
Also, can we talk about the photographer, who looks like a toucan? Do we think he is actually a photographer, or is he an actor that has literally no clue what he's doing. I feel like any jamoke with an Canon EOS Rebel could take these pictures.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Liz is making vague statements about her past with Nick to the girls, but she's also telling the camera's that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding for the 1,000th time. From now on, all you drinkers have to take a shot every time you hear "Jade and Tanner."
Corinne is not handling Nick having an "Adam & Eve" wedding with Brittney well. She thinks she's the sexy one and has to prove it by taking her top off and letting Nick sample the melons like he's shopping for breakfast at Safeway. She asks him to "Janet Jackson" her, which is a 24 year old reference to the album cover for Janet Jackson's album, appropriately titled "Janet."
ABC had two options when choosing who would win the extra time with Nick tonight: pick literally any other girl and watch Corinne freak out, or pick Corinne and watch all the other girls freak out. They chose quantity over quality and let Corinne have the extra time. I guess this serves the double purpose of letting all the women know that taking your clothes off earns you extra time, and reinforces Harrison's "be a whore" pep talk from earlier in the night....way to be consistent, ABC
Corinne tells us that no one has ever held her boobs like that before, and no one ever will again.....I'm not sure what this means. Does it mean she thinks that her and Nick will be together forever, or that she only did that because she was on a TV show and was not about to go home before she got her time on screen.
Props to ABC again for editing Nick and Corinne's conversation to make it look like he says the only things that impress him about Corinne are her sexiness and impulsive behavior. This leads to lots of girls talking about their boobs and kissing him way before they should. Raven is trying a different tactic, trying to connect with him on an emotional level. They have a conversation about getting cheated on and how they have no regrets because they've always given their all to their relationships, which is total bullcrap, because nobody gives their all to every relationship all the time. I know that in every relationship I had before I got married, I gave the relationship my total devotion for about a month or so, and then it was like "well, whatever happens, happens." I mean, right now, I'm blogging and watching the Bachelor in the dark downstairs by myself while my wife is upstairs. Sure, I could be upstairs giving her pre-sleep backrub every night....but I'm not. I guess I'm not giving my all to this relationship either....and if you're being honest with yourself, you're probably not giving your all in your current relationship, but go ahead and keep telling yourself that (#truthbomb).
Corinne continues to interrupt girls and dominate Nick's time, all the while being unapologetic about it. We get our first "I'm not here to make friends" comment, as Corinne matter of factly tells the ladies that if they couldn't handle being interrupted, they shouldn't have gone on The Bachelor. As always, there's definitely some truth to #thevillain's words, but that doesn't justify acting like a douche. Obviously the goal is not to make a new girl friend, but that doesn't mean you are free to treat people like common peasants in feudal England.
Taylor gets her time, and talks about her degrees and how smart she is, and of course here comes Corinne again. Taylor is able to use her Johns Hopkins degree to deduce Corinne's confidence is allowing her to be more assertive, but then Taylor shows that book smarts don't always transfer to street smarts, as she just walks away and tells the other girls that Nick is not looking for someone like Corinne and she's not a threat at all. Her actions betray her words, as she goes back to interrupt Nick and Corinne.
Hilariously, Corinne is not down with this at all. In Corinne's world, interrupting someone is fine, but re-interrupting someone is very rude. Nick apparently does not share Corinne's viewpoint, as she tells Taylor that he's glad she came back. This then leads to a hilarious conversation between Corinne and Taylor where Corinne basically argues with herself about how upset Taylor is. As typically happens when a smart person (Taylor) has a conversation with a not-as-smart person (Corinne), the not-as-smart person thinks they're the smart one. Corinne then doubles down on her belief that she's the smartest person on the show by counseling all the other women on what to expect, which involves making your friends feel weird and making your not-friends feel weird too.
Continuing with the "be yourself, but be the most whorish version of yourself" theme ABC seems to be shoving down our throats, Corinne gets the rose, which leads to her saying "XOXO #gossipgirl!" while holding the rose over her head like a trophy. I have no clue what this means, as I've never watched Gossip Girl.
Lacey has a conversation with Corinne where Lacey feels like Corinne got the rose because she got naked, and it makes her rethink what kind of girl Nick is looking for. This from a girl who showed up on a camel night one and said "I heard you like a good hump." There are varying shades of naughty behavior apparently - implying you'd like to have sex through humor is OK, but implying you'd like to have sex by letting him touch your nipples is TOO FAR.
My pick for the final rose, Danielle, gets the first one-on-one date, which involves a helicopter landing on a yacht. I was hard on Danielle on night one (the pockets showing out of the jeans and the soft babylike voice), but she got much more likeable as the night went along....or maybe it's the girls being less likeable. Who knows.
We don't get to see much of the date, because we have to talk about Jade and Tanner's wedding again. Liz, who hasn't shown any inclination to tell anyone (even Nick!) about what happened at Jade and Tanner's (DRINK) wedding, suddenly decides to go into great detail with Christen about what happened.....that apparently continued through three different wardrobe changes. Here they are talking in bikinis. Here they are talking in regular clothes. Here they are talking in robes over bikinis! What is going on right now?
Whatever happened on the yacht must not have been very exciting, because we saw literally none of it. Next thing we know, we're at dinner and Danielle is giggling just talking about the yacht. Some people have inside voices, other people have outside voices, but Danielle is the first person who actually has a neonatal ICU voice. I still don't like it, but I think Nick likes her. She asks him about him, and he's more than happy to talk about his "tragic" reality TV history. Incredibly, Danielle says that his past makes a lot of sense with regards to her past. I can't wait to hear how him being a three time failure on reality TV compares to her past relationships. Turns out that in Danielle's world, losing out on a reality show love is very similar to FINDING YOUR FIANCE DEAD OF A DRUG OVERDOSE. I can honestly say that I did not see that coming.
Group Date #2, loosely titled "Liz had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner's (DRINK) Wedding" kicks off with a limo ride. The limo ride ends with one of the girls saying "Oh my God there's Nick!" as if she's surprised to see him. The date is at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which sounds like quite literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. One of the exhibits was entitled "Brush with Matted Dog Fur." What in the actual hell is this place? This isn't a real place, is it? Google tells me, sadly, that it is real.
This then leads to a couple of actors breaking up in the museum of broken relationships. Holy crap. Of course our ladies will now get to act out breaking up with Nick as part of a "symposium on the art of the breakup." News flash: I hate art.
Liz feels like Nick is avoiding her, which, of course he is. This is the only way that ABC can ensure that you talk to him in front of all the other women.....hopefully during your fake breakup, which will then become a real breakup. Don't fall for it Liz!
Update: she totally fell for it. She said Jade and Tanner's wedding two more times (DRINK DRINK), and Liz reads a prepared speech and puts Nick on the spot to discuss their past in front of everyone, before giggling and saying "just kidding I'm not gonna make you do that!" and laughing it off like she didn't mean everything she just said. My favorite part was her saying that she hopes Nick fights for love on this show like she wished he would've fought for her. You mean like when he asked for your number and you wouldn't give it to him? I will never, EVER, for the life of me understand why someone would play hard to get. If you're in a relationship where your significant other is constantly telling you one thing with the expectation that you will ignore it and continue to do the opposite of what they said....I would say that you're not going to last. At some point, she will say "do not ever touch my butt in public" and you will think "this is one of those times where she wants me to prove how much I want to touch her butt" and you will be wrong. And this will be the end of your relationship. Sorry.
Christen lets Nick know that Liz spilled the beans, so now Nick feels he needs to put all the cards on the table. First he talks to Liz though. Nick accuses her of being there just for the TV fame. Liz tries to say that she was respecting him and his time in Paradise, blah blah blah. Nick's not buying it. Liz then says that she's not into phone calls. WHAT? Does she not call her friends? Nick decides to send her home.
To recap Liz's time of The Bachelor, she spent 80% of her on screen time talking about having sex at Jade and Tanner's Wedding (DRINK!) and then got kicked off for being a shady glory hound. To seemingly back up every accusation Nick leveled against her, she smiles as he dismisses her and asks to walk her out.
Nick then faces the music by telling the girls (with a smile on his face, no less) that he had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner's Wedding (DRINK!!!!)
Great way to end.....or not. We actually end with Nick and Dolphinshark singing happy birthday to her boob job.
I don't care what ABC offers you, if they ask you to go on this show, you say no.
