Why are all the girls so young? My theory is that all women in their 30s are way too smart to be suckered by his sad puppy dog schtick and/or are too embarassed to have to answer the question "why haven't you found love at your age yet?" Again, in Bachelor-verse, being 35 and single probably means you've already outlived three husbands and maybe a few of your children. Let's start the season, shall we?
Nick has trouble saying the word "bachelor." Nick runs shirtless around a city (Chicago? Milwaukee?)) then takes his pants off for the camera and hops in the shower. Waukesha gets some love as we meet Nick's family...particularly his youngest sister Bella. Bella seems adorable and way too nice to be related to this smarmy douche.
Nick says "love is the best feeling in the world" and that he's not going to stop trying to be in love until he finds the one. Congratulations, Nick, for not giving up on finding companionship less than halfway through your life. You're a paragon of determination.
Now time for my least favorite segment of any season - where we bring back past Bachelors to give him advice. This year we have Sean (married), Chris (decidedly not married) and Ben (engaged but pretending he's not getting married to boost ratings for season two of his trash-fire of a reality show). I think it's only fitting that these four "men" are talking in a restaurant where every other table they show in the background is filled with only women.
I will say that I appreciate the fact that the Bachelor is a guy that is in shape, but not insanely in shape. He has an attainable physique for an average human....which also reminds me that my son got a science book for Christmas that told him that the average woman was 22% body fat, while the average male was 16% body fat. This led him to deduce that my wife was fatter than I am, which I found hilarious and my wife found incredibly upsetting. It was at this point that she pointed out to him that she was not an average female, and I was not an average male. I've also gone running three days in a row for the first time in probably over a year.
OK, time to meet the girls:
Rachel L.: Attorney, 31 years old. We get a shot of her saying how much she loves her job, just not enough to not quit it to be a reality show contestant. She loves dancing with her grandmother's vaccuum.
Danielle - Nail Salon owner, 27. Apparently she owns three nail salons. She doesn't seem very interesting aside from that.
Vanessa - Special ed teacher, 28. She's Candian, speaks French, English, and Italian. Thinks she was put on Earth to be a mom...which, I guess in the primal sense is true.....proliferation of the species and all.
Josephine - Nursing student, 24. Lonely, lives with a cat. Josephine is fucking crazy. I can't even deal with her.
Raven - Fashion Boutique Owner, 25 - She's basically Britney Spears only if Britney had never left Louisiana and had never been famous.
Corinne - Business owner, 24 - Claims she's a business owner who works with her family. Pretty much her dad runs the business and she will at one point get ownership and get someone else to run the company. She also has a "nanny." Corinne seems like nobody I want to know.
Alexis is 24 and obsessed with dolphins. I don't think the show ever said what she did. She's also crazy, but in a much more charming way than that psycho Josephine. I could see myself giving a rose to Alexis....but then again it's not my show.
Danielle 2 - neonatal nurse, 30 - talks to the camera like we are all sick infants in her ward. Wears jean shorts where the pockets are longer than the actual shorts. I hate this. I've always hated this. She baby talks and wears pocket showing shorts. Hard pass.
Taylor - Mental Health Counselor, 23. How you have the requisite experience to counsel anyone at anything at the age of 23 is a mystery to me, but I suppose all counselors have to start sometime. She says it's hard for her to make connections because she's biracial. Her mom is white and her "biological father" is black.....so go figure that the mental health counselor has some stuff to work out of her own. Apparently she thinks all girls hate her because she's not the same race as them. I look forward to seeing if she is unfairly treated in the house, or if she is just awkward and aloof and then blames everyone else for her own shortcomings.
Liz - Doula, 29. She lives in Las Vegas. She was Jade's (of Jade and Tanner fame) maid of honor, and apparently hooked up with Nick at the wedding. At least that's what ABC wants us to believe. It's never actually said. She never gave Nick her number because he was cool and they had a great time....wait what? Why wouldn't she give him her number? She thought he was a player? So now she's going on a TV show to watch him hook up with other women to see if she made a mistake in not giving him her number? This isn't going to go well for Liz.
Limo time! Let's go over what makes for a good (or bad) introduction:
- Posture/demeanor - It's ok to look down at your feet like you're nervous, but do it quickly and get back to looking at your potential spouse. Smile
- Be funny, but not too funny - you want to make him laugh with you, not at you
- Props - if you're going to use a prop (or if ABC is going to make you use a prop), you need to own it. Don't act like you are too good for your own prop...and remember that if it makes you look completely insane, chances are you'll stick around the first night anyways. ABC loves throwing in the girls that make America say "why in the hell did he keep THAT bitch?"
- Leave him wanting more - Give the dude a reason to want to seek you out in the house, but don't be a perv or too vague about it. You know, if you're the chick that speaks multiple languages, say something in Italian, then tell him you'll let him know what it means later on in the night. If you're the baby nurse, don't say something about how new babies smell like hope and you look forward to seeing what he smells like later.
- Danielle L. - Definitely picked an eye catching dress, but all she can say is "I was excited that you were The Bachelor." Appealing package, disappointing delivery. 6.5
- Elizabeth - Dress looks too much like a wedding dress, says she is "most nervous" she's ever been. Laughs too hard at his attempt at a compliment, but does have an adorable accent. 5.5
- Rachel - Makes some joke about her fantasy lineup to show she likes sports, but the only people who want to hear your fantasy sports stories are the other people you play fantasy sports with. Then says something about competing for his heart and places her palm on his heart like he's a robot that is learning about human anatomy or something. Not a huge fan of this intro. 4
- Christen - Wears yellow dress, dances with giant yellow fan, looks at Nick like she's a 4 year old and he's the biggest, fluffiest, most amazing Labradoodle she's ever seen. Still, she made eye contact and talked to him, padding his ego by calling him "a celebrity" and remarking about his height. I'll bet he loved that. 7
- Taylor - Says her friends think he's a piece of shit. I'm leaning towards her being more the reason people hate her than the racist predilections of everyone she knows. 2
- Angela - Don't see much, but she says she wouldn't be there if he wasn't the bachelor and asks him to "scoop her up later." Dress is revealing in ways I bet Nick likes. 6
- Lauren - says his last name (Viall) and hers (Hussey) put together make a disgusting slut (Vile Hussy, get it?) Hardy har har. 3
- Michelle - Tired "lemons into lemonade" line. 3
- Dominque - "4th time's a charm" joke...but at least she smiles a lot and looks genuinely excited. 5
- Ida Marie - unique outfit that looks like something one of the Spice Girls (maybe Ginger?) would've worn on the Spice World tour. Has Nick do a trust fall and catch her. Would've given her higher marks if she'd caught him. 7
- Olivia - Alaskan girl shows up in a baby seal fur coat (kidding, I think) and gives him an Eskimo Kiss. Too heavy on the cultural thing. She's gonna be Eskimo girl all season. Leaves her coat with him....why???? 5
- Sarah - Grade school teacher comes running up the driveway.....something about a "runner-up" joke. Looks like the kind of teacher that keeps cocaine in her purse and does lines during nap time. 6
- Jasmine G. - says she knows he's done this a million times before (ouch), brings out Neil Lane. I like this gag, although for the first time in 21 seasons, Neil Lane appears to have aged. Still, it was a good gag. 8
- Hailey - implies she's not wearing underwear. That's her intro. 4
- Astrid - speaks German, says her boobs are real. The girls are really honing in on the fact that Nick is a horny, horny dude. 7
- Liz - She's doesn't let on she knows him, he doesn't let on he knows her, or possibly doesn't remember. This is gonna be a like six week saga where he says she looks familiar, she brushes it off, gets increasingly upset he doesn't remember her, then he says "just kidding, of course I remember you. I was just trying to treat you like every other girl here so they didn't get jealous and treat you differently." Liz will melt like butter, and he'll kick her off the next week. 5
- Corinne - Comes off way more likeable in her intro than she did when she was bossing around her mom and making her nanny cut the crust off her sandwich. Gives him a "hug token." 7
- Vanessa - SHE DOES EXACTLY WHAT I SAID SHE SHOULD DO! Give her a 9 for that.
- Danielle - Less baby talk, gives him daddy's maple syrup and lets him lick it off her finger, and says that he can come find her if things get "sticky" with the other girls. This wins the night for me so far. 9.5
- Raven - our white trash Britney goes Woo Pig Sooie. Arkansas is weird. 5
- Jaime - Says he has balls, so does she - in her nose. Balls in her nose....on a nose ring. Repeats the balls joke to the girls inside. 3
- Briana - nurse goes with the stethoscope on his heart and a weird look/laugh combo. 5
- Susannah - gives him a beard massage. 2
- Josephine - Crazy girl shows up with a book with a hot dog in it...calls him a "Weiner in her book" and then asks him to "Lady and the Tramp it." She's the worst. 1
- Brittany - Travel nurse puts on a glove and makes him bend over. 2.5
- Jasmine B. - wearing a red dress
- Someone else - also wearing a red dress
- Lacey - wearing a red dress on a camel - makes a "likes a good hump" joke...twice. 8.
- Alexis - Shows up in a shark costume. Says she "Dolphinately" can't wait to talk to her again. Any self respecting dolphin lover would not say she was a shark. God damnit Alexis...I thought you were good crazy. 1
Nick and Rachel have a good conversation where they talk like normal people. Good move, Rachel. Always liked that name. I'll give this to Nick....he can carry a conversation better than most Bachelors. He's chatting it up with a lot of different girls, having pretty easy conversations with all of them on a variety of topics....although he has told more than a handful that they have a "killer dress." Corinne drops a bag full of tokens in his lap, saying he can use them for "whatever." She then establishes herself as the villain of the season by snatching him away from the French girl and making out with him. She looks like a mermaid, only evil. She's like Bad Ariel.....even doubling down on her villain status by saying "I'm here for Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick."
Jasmine the pro basketball dancer is starting to lose it. She's pacing, crying, begging for time....it's not going well for her. Dolphin Shark girl is just a joke, but I think she's safe. Nick makes a good joke, saying that if she takes it off, he's sending her home.
My theory that the "does he remember me?" storyline between Nick and Liz would last for weeks, blows up. Things get weirder when she says she didn't want him to think she was there because he was the Bachelor....but why else would she be there? Nick calls her on this, saying "you've had the ability to call me for nine months, but you're just showing up now." Nick's age is an asset here...he's been around enough to spot bullshit. Liz is on borrowed time here. He doesn't need her there - he knows how to get a hold of her, he can definitely track her down after they are done filming if things don't work out on the show. She may get through the first night, but not much longer.
Rachel earns the first impression rose - not surprising given the level of the conversation they showed on air. Nurse Danielle was probably the only person who was maybe also an option.....and just like that it is time to thin the herd. I love the girl who led with "I'm not wearing any panties" saying that she "put her heart out there."
Safe are Rachel the lawyer, Vanessa the busty multilingual special ed teacher, Danielle the nail salon owner with her boobs on display (there's a theme here), Christen the dancer, Astrid the German, Corinne the evil mermaid, Elizabeth the Texan in a dress that looks like a wedding dress, Jasmine the neurotic NBA dancer, Raven the Arkansas Britney Spears, Christina the girl who might possibly be deaf, and if not she speaks incredibly weirdly, Danielle the maple syrupy nurse, Sarah the cocaine teacher, Josephine the psycho, Lacey the girl who loves a hump, Taylor the counselor with issues, Alexis the shark/dolphin, Hailey the underwearless Canadian, Whitney one of the red dress girls, Dominique another red dress girl, Jamie the girl with balls, Britney another red dress girl, and Liz the girl who had sex with him and then said no you can't have my number.
Gone are Ida Marie the Spice Girl, Olivia the Eskimo, Susannah the model, Lauren the Law School graduate, Briana the stethoscope girl, and a bunch of other girls that didn't really merit screen time.
And there you have it....only about two more months of this!
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