This finale was sort of a stinker, but there were a few significant moments. Let's recap, shall we?
We start off with Nick worrying about Kaitlyn "having a connection" with Shawn. Is he seriously thinking there's a chance she doesn't? It's like he almost can't even comprehend that she might not accept his proposal. Nick's a bit of a conundrum to me, at times arrogant and brash, at times so sensitive you think he might cry if a kid drops their ice cream cone, at times just outright dastardly.
Kaitlyn's family is pretty mundane, with the exception of her sister, who, upon hearing that a guy from a previous season "showed up halfway through the season" reacts with the most over the top "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat???" this side of Chris Griffin:
She goes on to try to steal every scene she was in, joining the ranks of such greats as Desiree's brother and Ashley Hebert's sister (who even got on the After the Final Rose show that season!) Oh to be a sibling of a Bachelor/ette contestant! Nick starts crying when talking to Kaitlyn's mom, which I'm not sure if it's sweet or just creepy. Going from my only experience of asking someone if I could marry their daughter, there was no weeping. Mostly it was extreme panic and fear, and I was 90% sure they'd be cool with it. Crying was never an option.
Also, is it a Canadian thing to be so open with your family about who you banged and in what city? Why does every conversation seem to still revolve around them having sex in Dublin? Which, by the way, always reminds me of the scene in Hall Pass where they go to the bar. Even more astounding, is that Kaitlyn's mom brings this up when talking to SHAWN. "So I know you love my daughter and all, but how do you really feel about her having sex with Nick?" Why would a mother ever ask this? I just don't get it.
The dates are pretty standard "final countdown dates" and the only significant thing is the gifts that the guys give Kaitlyn. Nick offers up a framed poem that is filled with really bad similies like "your lips are like electricity, when I kiss them I can feel your energy." I get that with these sort of things it's the though that counts, but c'mon man, you should've thought about giving her something else that didn't require you writing that crap. Also, he mispelled energy. There are some things (like social media posts, and for sure this blog) where spell checking and proofreading aren't vital. There are other things, like job resumes, investigative journalism pieces, and LOVE LETTERS, that you better know every pen stroke or character typed is accurate. C'mon son.
That's not to say that Shawn came up with a better gift. He basically just emptied his pockets after every date into a jar and then gave it to her. "Oh look, I still have a tee from golf in my pocket! Into the junk jar you go!" Again, I guess when the alternative is throwing all that stuff away, it does require at least a modicum of reflection on your journey together, but wow. Kaitlyn, of course loves it. "We have so many memories together it's like....we've got more memories than people who have been together a whole year!" This is of course a blatantly false statement. You just have better souveniers. Not everyone gets to go on helicopter rides and trips to Ireland and meet Amy Schumer in the first 12 months of a relationship, toots.
Also, before I forget, Kaitlyn has gotten more and more plastic looking as the season has gone on. I swear her lips have gotten poutier and her skin has gotten more orange with every episode. I keep forgetting to mention this.
Anyways, Nick shows up, gets dumped, and then gets all angry with her for not loving him. Kaitlyn says that she "needed all that time" with Nick to......and then she trails off, so I'll finish for her. "to realize I liked someone else better?" She did not think that through. She should've just ended it with "in the end, my love for Shawn was stronger, and I'm sorry to put you through all this." Of course then we wouldn't have got his little hissy fit "it was bigger than just a moment to me" rant.
Shawn wins, as we all find out that Kaitlyn really did mean that Shawn was "the one" when she snuck into his room, and all that back tracking and pretending to care for Ben "the human cardboard cutout" H. was episode filler. After the Final Rose reveals nothing much other than Nick dragged his family to his reality tv funeral and Shawn really does hate Nick, but it's more of a "a lion does not concern himself with the thoughts of sheep" kind of hate than it is a burning, intense "I must destroy him" kind of hate. Also, they like coffee and donuts. That's it.
Ok bring on the real emotional people of Bachelor in Paradise. That's where all the fun is anyways.
So pretty much this episode was a bunch of guys butt hurt that Kaitlyn told them she saw her husband in the room on the first night, then brought another guy in who is still around. You know what, if you lined up twenty-five beautiful women in front of me, gave me a few shots of Patron, and asked me if I thought I could marry one of the girls, I'd probably say "just one???? LET'S DO THIS!" So no, Kaitlyn did not deceive these guys. She did not lead them on. She said what she felt at the time.
Let's see, what else happened? JJ and Clint explained that their bromance was just because they were so deep, JJ made about eight hundred consecutive sexual innuendos when referring to JJ, Ian propologized (proposed/apologized) to everyone, which would have actually been a nice apology had he not been so goddamned weird about it. Also, I can't get over the fact that the guys totally know that the show is an act (as you see Jared laughing his ass off at his "Love-Man" promo teaser from the first episode), yet the audience can't seem to grasp this, unless they're in on it too.
Which brings me to the meat of this episode: The tweets Kaitlyn received. First off, ABC has generated a lot of publicity off of reading people's uneducated, meantweets about celebrities on TV. And up until now, it's been a big joke. So why is it when people say it about the Bachelorette, it's all of a sudden "whoa America, you need to dial it down?" Here's my thoughts on the subject:
Why didn't ABC publish the Twitter handles of the tweeters? Let's say mean things about them...or was it a "let's not give them the fame they're looking for?"
Do people now write completely abusive things to celebrities hoping to get on ABC?
When did body parts become "whore" parts? You never hear anyone say "you shut your princess mouth" or "look at her run on those secretary legs?" But Kaitlyn has a whore mouth, whore legs...does this mean she has a whore stomach? Whore toes? So weird.
Let's not act like Kaitlyn is the first person on this show subjected to internet ridicule. Some of the things people said about Juan Pablo were not only mean, they were racist I'm sure. I mean, I've been writing this blog for YEARS
When you say "I've had death threats, y'all" nobody takes you seriously. In fact, ever using the word "y'all" at the end of a sentence immediately invalidates your whole point.
The more makeup and self-tanner Kaitlyn wears, the worse she looks. Her lips have tripled in size since the beginning of the season. Be yourself girly!
Can't wait for her to pick Shawn, making Nick the first two time runner up, and then it's on to see how many girls Jared "gets over Kaitlyn" with on Bachelor in Paradise!
It's a rare thing this season indeed when I get to watch the Bachelorette on the night it airs, so hopefully I'm rewarded with an episode worthy of a semi-live blog.
We start with Kaitlyn walking around a lake (loch?) and telling us how stressful it was letting Chris go and also dealing with the consequences of her decision to let Nick explore her Cave of Wonders (Aladdin reference). The first date card comes as three of the guys (Ben H., Shawn, and Nick) hilariously sharing a loveseat and looking super uncomfortable. Ben H. gets the solo date, leaving Nick and Shawn on the loveseat. Shawn moves over, but strangely puts his arm across the back of the loveseat behind Nick, like he's about to go in for "the movie-move."
The date begins with a romantic rowboat ride to an island in Ireland. You can almost feel the romance in the air as Ben H. says "I just love to walk around these things and think of...the Vikings." The Vikings? Not leprechauns? Vikings? Kaitlyn clearly isn't on a romantic vibe either as she replies "that's bad ass." In keeping with the anti-romance vibe of this date, they play a game of hide and seek, where Kaitlyn decides the best place to hide is in a corner like it's the Blair Witch Project or something:
Can you see me?
When they get down to the brass tacks of relationships, Kaitlyn admits that she's hard to deal with sometimes, and she wants someone who won't give up on her. When Ben says "I didn't realize that was even an option!" I half expected Kaitlyn to say "good, because I f*cked Nick last week, but I swear it didn't mean anything." Instead, they kiss as Kaitlyn tells us that when they're talking and kissing "it feels good." I'm guessing it'd feel pretty good to kiss Hope Solo, but that doesn't mean that I should consider a relationship based on that.
Ben then says that his biggest fear is that he might not be loved back or be lovable. Of course that's your biggest fear. If in a relationship your biggest fear isn't that the person you love doesn't feel the same way about you, then there's something wrong. What else would your biggest fear be? That she's an axe murderer? That her parents will be Scientologists? Kaitlyn lets him know that he's definitely lovable (like a teddy bear.) He says "I can't wait to talk all night," and Kaitlyn immediately feels like "yo this guy might be a virgin." She's all bent out of shape because she had sex with Nick because he was all over her on their date, and this guy says the opposite, and she's all of a sudden "wait this dude only wants to TALK? He must be a virgin!"
Ben says he's not, but he's glad he comes off that way. Does that not sound like something a serial rapist would say? Kaitlyn is super relieved that he's not a virgin, then asks him to tell her about the time he lost his virginity. This girl straight up sucks at romance. In fact, she sucks at relationships. She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, but she is awful at this. In no way is she ready for marriage. Whomever proposes to her, I hope they're ready to be sitting on opposites sides of the couch at After the Final Rose.
Group date time with Shawn, Nick, and Joe. The "lucky" guy who gets a rose on this date gets the golden ticket to the fantasy suites. Shawn gets the first solo time on the date, and they lament the fact that they didn't kiss last week. So, when you spend your time talking instead of kissing, things didn't go so well? Well rather than figure out why that is, let's just kiss some more! Kaitlyn knows that she needs to talk to him about having sex with Nick, but it's just so much more fun to kiss...so she avoids it until Nick saves her by stealing her away.
Kaitlyn then decides to talk to Nick, asking him how he feels about having sex with her. This might be the biggest softball question of all time. She clearly wants to only have good conversations with people. She laughs, relieved that he enjoyed humping her, and then proceeds to say that she feels somewhat guilty, although she's "a grown woman who can do what she wants." Ok, Cartman:
Shawn tries to pressure Joe into breaking up their alone time, but Joe's a sissy and realizes that she likes Nick and Shawn way more than she likes him, and decides he'd rather just sit on a bench outside an Irish castle than hang out with Kaitlyn and tells Shawn "nah, I'm good." Kaitlyn then decides not to let him sit this out, and forces him off his bench. Not wanting to waste alone time with a sure thing, Joe makes out with her practically while she's mid-sentence. Nice plan, Joe. Get your parting gift on your way out.
Kaitlyn then compliments him on being "brutally honest" with her, and she says that she owes it to him to be "brutally honest" with him. Somehow, him being brutally honest involves him telling her how great she is, but her brutal honesty involves her telling him she doesn't like him as much as he likes her. He says "it's cool" but won't look at her. She says "well just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I didn't think you were kinda hot when we were making out last week" or something along those lines. She tries to hug him, but he's like "thanks for dumping me on a bench, I like sitting on benches."
Kaitlyn returns to the guys, tells them she dumped Joe and that it was really hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it might be then push she needed to finally start actually talking to people rather than just making out and pretending that her own personal booze cruise is going to last forever. She tells Nick that they're cool, but he needs to go home, because she's got some things she needs to discuss with Shawn. Shawn's super excited, but only because he doesn't realize that one of those "things" he needs to talk about with her is Nick's penis.
They spend some time laughing on a couch, rubbing each others legs while drinking oversized glasses of alcohol. Their conversation goes something like this (my interpretation of what Kaitlyn says will be in bold.)
Shawn: Are you nervous?
Kaitlyn: Laughs hysterically (YUP)
Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me
Kaitlyn: Well, I just want to be honest with you, because I know how important trust is to you (Just remember you brought this on yourself, Shawn, what with all your 'be honest with me' mumbo jumbo)
Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me
Kaitlyn: I haven't told anyone else this, but I felt like I needed to tell you (You're so gonna hate this, but your reaction will be super awesome for the cameras)
Shawn: Uhhhhh....(it's slowly dawning on him that this isn't going to be a happy conversation)
Kaitlyn: On my date with Nick, he came back to my hotel room (you don't need to know it's because I invited him) and things went a little too far (hoping you think that he forced himself on me) and we had sex (cue Lonely Island and Akon)
Shawn: (pauses for an uncomfortably long time) Do you regret it?
Kaitlyn: I felt guilt and I didn't expect that to happen (Nope), but when I woke up in the morning, I thought about what it would do to our relationship (I was hoping you'd want to even up the score so to speak)
Shawn: Why are you telling me this?
Kaitlyn: I felt like it was the right thing to do. (ABC made me)
Shawn then excuses himself from the table. He's hiding in the bathroom, but we are treated to his voice telling us that he's "so tense right now he can't even piss." Well that's classy. Shawn comes back and seems a bit more relaxed (maybe he figured out how to pee again?" Then he incredibly thanked her for telling him, and says "you know how I feel about that guy, but I'm gonna fight through this." Kaitlyn then asks him if he thinks that this going to be worth it at the end. I can't be certain, but I think she basically just told him that any guy that wants to be with her has to be ok with her having sex with other guys while not having sex with him. Shawn, because he's an idiot, agrees. Glad we're all on the same page. Hang in there Shawn....you're the prince of this fairy tale, but first the princess is gonna have sex with all the other frogs to make sure they're really just frogs.
Shawn comes back and says "It went great" and Nick is not cool with Shawn going to bed feeling confident, so he throws out there that "he feels great" about his time, while subtly reminding Shawn that she had a perfect opportunity to offer him a rose, but didn't give it to him.
Heading into the rose ceremony, Shawn is contemplating heading home because the more he thinks about it, the more he's not OK with her having sex with Nick. He needs to talk to Kaitlyn about these things before the ceremony. That's usually Chris Harrison's cue to tell the guys that the Bachelorette is forgoing cocktail party time to dole out roses, and tonight is no exception. Kaitlyn then tells the guys that it's "shocking" to her to be there with only four "beautiful faces" looking back at her - another indication that she's wishing she still had twenty guys to wine and dine her and make out with. Instead, she's cutting one guy loose so she can hump the other three. Nick should be worried, because he's already been down that road, and Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl that's not going to climb the same mountain twice, when there's three other mountains there that she hasn't dug her crampons into.
Shawn gets offered the first rose, but he's like "yo we need to talk." He basically says "you told me I was the one, I told you I hated Nick, you spent "off-camera time" with Nick, and I'm just wondering why you think that's a good idea." Kaitlyn starts off a little rough saying "I'm here to explore other relationships" but then gets down to business saying "I shouldn't have told you that you were the one, because even if I felt it at the time, I still wanted to make sure. But rest assured, that when this process is over, there will be no more exploring." She then accuses Shawn of not trusting her, which makes sense because she basically did the one thing that could hurt him the most on this show and then told him AND ONLY HIM about it. Nonetheless, when she offers him the rose again, he says "absolutely" as if there was no chance he was going to say no. Maybe this was a power play to make Nick sweat a little bit.
Ben the virgin serial rapist gets a rose, leaving it down to rat-faced Jared and Nick. Jared gets sent home, which of course is a bummer because he seems like the best guy out of the remaining four, and maybe he was the best out of all the guys this season. Because he's an idiot, he offers her his coat and then tells her it's OK that she just sent him home for a guy who apparently exudes no sex appeal whatsoever, a smarmy guy with bad sweaters who relishes making other people uncomfortable, and another guy who has turned this into a personal battle to beat the smarmy bad sweater dude (whose name he won't even say anymore) rather than having it be about love.
Kaitlyn is now sobbing because Jared is gone. She then basically admits that she sent him home because he wasn't outwardly telling her how awesome she was enough.
Nick gets the first fantasy date which are apparently called "overnights" when they're not in a tropical location. They wander into a church, and Nick tells her about how he "grew up in the church" and how his parents met at church and then he tells some story that sounds made up about how a four year old walked up to his dad and said "you're going to marry that girl." I don't believe that for a second, because I've been around four year olds, and they all think that people marry their sisters or cousins. Anyways, they spend the day in an Irish pub talking to a couple of old Irish guys about what the secret of marriage is. I repeat, they asked a couple of guys in their sixties who spend their afternoons in the bar without their wives what the secret of marriage was.
Shawn continues to blame Nick for stealing Kaitlyn away like she's got not choice or free-will in the matter. You can almost see his biceps getting bigger just thinking about it. Nick then says that he "wants to connect with Kaitlyn on every possible level there is to connect with another person" which is one of those things that people say that sound really sweet, but when you actually think about it make absolutely no sense.
Nick then goes insane. Rather than playing it cool and keeping the focus on her, he instead figures that now would be the perfect time to try to bury Shawn. Such a stupid move. He could've just laid back, kept talking about connecting on a subatomic level and making her the center of his universe, and yet he decides to talk about Shawn and make some reference to him bragging about having sex with a girl who went on to have sex with a country singer later that night. Kaitlyn then seems to be a little chafed at the direction of this conversation and kind of bites back at Nick, asking him why everyone says he's bad news, but he's the only one saying anything about Shawn. Nick is now backpedalling, talking about how "it's weird that the guys all love Shawn and seem to be ok with him winning." Who are all these guys? There's only one other guy left, and he's super sweet and sensitive and his a questionable virgin.
Kaitlyn then shrugs all this off like.....well like this:
"So that was a really terrible conversation that totally killed the vibe, but I'm still DTF if you are, ya?"
After a semi funny prank where Kaitlyn pretends they're having their fantasy night in a jail cell, but then they head off to the real hotel and spend their night apparently talking and eating ham. Are they just pretending they didn't have sex, or does it not really matter at this point?
I'll tell you who it does matter to - SHAWN. He's about to go Incredible Hulk on Nick. Of course he calls the hotel and is able to just ask for Nick's room number and of course they give it to him. I'll give Shawn this - at least he didn't try to come up with a lame gambit to get the room number like Nick did with Andi on his last run on the Bachelorette.
Shawn gets the room number and goes over to tell Nick he hates him to his face. Nick says "that's cool, I hate you too." They then proceed to basically talk over each other and I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.
Then we get to see Britt and Brady holding hands and talking about how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, and I have to cut and paste the end of the last paragraph, because I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.
