Chris then apologizes to the girls for canceling the cocktail party, because he's a spineless jellyfish. He won't apologize to them for making out with other girls in front of them, but he's got to apologize for denying them more booze. Ashley is having her own mini-meltdown, explaining how her sad story is going to be the fact that her story isn't sad or something, but then she gets the rose. Kelsey gets the last rose, and Samantha gets sent home for never talking and McKenzie gets sent home because of course she's a mom and he just HAD to send her home to her kid because it's not fair to her and blah blah blah. I feel bad, because McKenzie never really had a chance. He kept her around this long because she was fun and he obviously liked her on some level, but realistically he never intended to bring a child with a child to his farm. That's just a recipe for disaster. Either her kid or her would've got their hand caught in a harvester or something within a few months.
Wheels up! We're flying off to Deadwood, South Dakota on our tour of the least populated places in the United States. Next, a tour of the hollers of Northern Kentucky! Chris feels like a badass walking down the streets of Deadwood, mostly because he's the only person on the street, similar to how I feel like a badass walking into my daughter's preschool. "I'm like four feet taller than you little punks, don't step to me!" Kelsey and Britt have a conversation where Kelsey says that she's "earned" the one-on-one date, and that she's so glad that she's gotten her story off her chest, because now she "won't have to be the widow" on the date. Ironically, you wouldn't have been the widow on the date if you hadn't told him either, because nobody assumes that someone in their twenties is a widow. Nobody goes "I'll bet her husband died." Or how I asked a girl in my dorm when her mom was going to show up for mom's weekend and she replies "my mom passed away when I was 14." Never crossed my mind that someone my age would have a deceased parent, even though it's one of those things that happens. You just don't assume people have a tragic backstory - or maybe you do if you're on the Bachelor. Maybe every one-on-one date should just start with the Bachelor pouring a big glass of wine and saying "alright, so what's wrong with you? Let's get this out of the way."
Becca the well-adjusted virgin gets the solo date, and of course Chris says she "looks smokin' hot on that horse." Horses aren't sexy. C'mon Chris.
The girls finally call Kelsey on her whack behavior, and Kelsey does her best to explain that she was so nervous and upset that she should be excused for her actions. The girls continue to call her on her stuff, and she says in her confessional that she "gets it." She uses big words that the girls don't understand, and that makes them nervous. She then refers to the death of her spouse as some "bullshit" she had to get through. I'm done with this girl. I hope her in-laws are banging on her door right now demanding an explanation for why she thinks that the death of their son was a plot twist in her love story with a farmer who has the emotional warmth of a potato. I just don't get how you couldn't comprehend that the words coming out of your mouth are insulting and offensive to a majority of the public.
Becca and Chris have their date, and we don't hear much of what they're saying, because it's probably boring as hell. However, we do get hear a lot of Chris giggles. When they finally get into what their five year plans are - it turns out neither of them really have one. Lots of "you know, married with kids and stuff," which is something single people say as if you can map out when and where you'll be when you meet the person you love. That's a great way to talk yourself into marrying someone you probably shouldn't marry.
Group date card shows up, and the significant part isn't who is on the card, but who isn't. Emotionally Selfish Widow vs. Emotionally Selfish Virgin Slut. Can I just fast forward to that part? I don't need to see the rest of this junk. Becca's still on her date somehow, and makes a good point that nobody wants their dad to see them kiss. Probably should've thought about that before you went on a TV show, Toots. At first, I thought she was going to punk out with just a tiny peck on the lips, but Chris isn't about to take that as the final act of this date. He does the face hover thing until she forgets all about her dad watching and begins to suck face like an old school vet. You go, Becca. Worry about your disapproving dad later.
Group date time! Chris tells the ladies that "country music is a big part of my life" which, I just don't even know what to say. Look who's here to teach the ladies how to sing! It's a couple of dudes who are in their fifties who finally got put out to pasture by ESPN College Game Day, but as a parting gift they get put on ESPN's sister station ABC for one night to try and get a few extra iTunes downloads. Actually, only one of these guys is fifty (Big Kenny), but he looks old enough to drag the average age of the group up to sixty. Jade is really stressed out about this...she is not confident at all. So, in order to feel confident, she runs down the street with a washed up country rocker saying "I'm in Deadwood!" and now she's a song writing savant or something. She's filling up the pages of her little songbook, until she sees Chris and Britt sucking face and now she needs to take another lap down a deserted street in a city with a population comparable to my high school. Hopefully she ends up writing a "Before He Cheats" style song that involves her waiting for Chris to come back from his date with Britt with a shotgun. That'd be fun.
What will not be fun is listening to these girls. I will give Chris a bit of props for getting out there and singing first. The real star of this singing thing is the diminutive banjo player with the Willie Nelson vibe. Britt goes next and I was about to say she was terrible, but she is saved by Whitney, who we should've known would be the worst. Her voice is tough to listen to when she talks, but I hoped it'd be one of those things like where British singers lose their accents, but nope, she's just as nasally. Carley goes next, and pulls Chris up on stage. This is her version of the Jillian running through mud date. She says "I didn't see anyone else, it was just one of those moments." Maybe because Chris and his humongous head are so close to you that he's blocking out your entire field of vision? Jade, the girl who has told us for the last fifteen minutes how nervous she is, of course has to follow the professional singer. She's SO nervous and knows it's going to go SO badly, but she's able to dig deep and channel her feelings for Chris through the microphone and survive the one minute song she wrote. Probably will complete the redemption story by garnering a rose.
Two on one time yet? Not quite - but we are teased with Kelsey trying to make Ashley feel stupid by pretending she can describe the Badlands and why Deadwood is not the Badlands. Good luck. Wikipedia describes Badlands this way:
Badlands are a type of dry terrain where softer sedimentary rocks and clay-rich soils have been extensively eroded by wind and water.[1] They are characterized by steep slopes, minimal vegetation, lack of a substantial regolith, and high drainage density.[2] They can resemble malpaís, a terrain of volcanic rock. Canyons, ravines, gullies, hoodoos and other such geological forms are common in badlands. They are often difficult to navigate by foot. Badlands often have a spectacular color display that alternates from dark black/blue coal stria to bright clays to red scoria.
Kudos to anyone who actually knew that. I feel like a fairly knowledgable guy, but if you asked me to describe Badlands, I would've said "you know, sort of a prairie desert thing with tumbleweeds and prairie dogs." Probably if you've actually been to the National Park, you'd know - but how many people have actually been to Badlands? My good friend Wikipedia says that over 800,000 visited in 2011. For comparison's sake - 1.6 million people visited the Oregon Zoo, which is known for having peacocks that attacked children. For zoo comparison, that's about half the visitors the San Diego Zoo sees annually. So yeah, it sounds like a big number, but you've probably only been there if your dad was tired of driving on your family's summer vacation and needed an excuse to stretch his legs between Denver and Chicago.
Sorry, back to the group date. Britt has somehow garnered the special alone time of tonight's group date, and she somehow seems surprised that they end up a Big and Rich concert. Hilarity ensues when Big and Rich sing on stage while nobody is looking at them because they're staring a dorky farm guy making out with a girl who hasn't showered in six weeks. Britt gets the rose (she stole that shit from Jade) and then they dance on stage to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Chris is trying to sing along with the words, but gets them completely wrong.
Also awful, is that Chris and Britt walk back in and Chris says "so I gave Britt the rose, see y'all tomorrow!" I mean, I get that it's awkward, but if you wanted to smooth things over with the girls, at least stick around for half an hour or so and let the girls vent to you. Take one on the chin bud. Poor Britt instead is left to say "sorry girls, I just went to a concert with him." Like really, all he had to say is that "I had a great time, but I could only take one girl to the concert, and Britt was that girl tonight." I think they'd all have still been upset, but maybe they wouldn't have felt embarrassed. Or maybe you invite them all to the concert? You can still pull Britt up on stage and give her the rose. However, that doesn't make for as many unstable, weepy girls.
Finally, it's time for the main event. Bottom line, I hope Chris pulls a fast one and leaves them both on top of Mount Rushmore as he departs in the helicopter alone. Chris says "it's going to be awkward" because he can't envision two more different girls being on this date, pretty much confirming that the people on the dates aren't chosen by the Bachelor himself. Anyways, their 2 on 1 date is a bed on some carpets in the middle of some flags that were borrowed from the corners of the local AYSO field. In an even weirder twist, when it's time for Chris to have time with just one of the girls, they take blanket the size of our bathtub mat and chat on the other side of a dirt hill. This makes no sense to me. Ashley uses her one on one time to tell Chris how awful Kelsey is. Chris seems to take what she says to heart, saying "the person I want to be my wife is going to be comfortable in group situations." Kelsey uses her time to....I shit you not.....explain that she's prepared to be a wife because she's been one. I'm speechless. Her qualifications for being the love of his life is that she was the love of someone else's life. Chris, being the idiotic idiot that he is, thinks it'd be a good idea to tell Kelsey that Ashley said she's fake. Way to go buddy. Incredibly, Chris then sends Kelsey back to sit on the romantic bed without him. Kelsey says that she doesn't appreciate what Ashley did, but that she still respects her. Ashley gets up and leaves, at which time Kelsey says - very respectfully - that Ashley needs to go play dress up and that she's not even near Kelsey's level. Ok then, glad we got that straight.
Ashley, logically, wants to know why Chris ratted her out. Chris, who apparently was watching the little haboob of emotional anger he stirred up with some binoculars from a dust hill. Chris stammers over his words for a while, then says "I couldn't lie" as if he didn't rat her out immediately and wilted under intense cross examination from Prosecutor Kelsey. This was not A Few Good Men. However, since turnabout's fair play, he narcs on Kelsey, telling Ashley "she said it was a difference of maturity." Chris then ends this awful display of how to be respectful to people by telling Ashley he's letting her go because he doesn't think she'd be happy in Iowa. Never asks her what's she thinks, just tells her what he thinks she thinks. Kelsey tries to eat the grin that comes over her face, but fails. The girls back at the hotel room get to see a PA grab Ashley's bag, and they are not happy. Chris, the world's most oblivious man, tells Kelsey "I don't know if you knew this, but I just sent Ashley home." In a hilarious move, Kelsey apologizes to Chris for having to go through that and hugs him. And then....YES YES YES YES......he send Kelsey home because he's just not that into her either. And he's leaving them both out in the BADLANDS! Brilliant! The girls are treated to Kelsey's bag getting unceremoniously yanked away, and then the party starts. The girls break out the champagne and start dancing on the couches. Kelsey again tells us how "immeasurably blessed" she is, which I guess would be a good lesson for us all to realize that even at our worst, being alive and American is truly a blessing, but you know we're supposed to think she's talking about how lucky she is to have a dead husband AND get dumped on national television! She's a SURVIVOR.
Tune in next week, when Chris says - and I kid you not - that he didn't know that Kelsey would go confront Ashley. Keep selling that shit, Pinocchio.
