Bachelorette: Has Andi Made a Choice Yet?

I have to admit, this season is really making it hard to maintain my enthusiasm for blogging.  I'd like to thank the few people who have told me they enjoy reading these, it makes it a lot easier to get through Andi's pandering to the camera and some of the dumbest, most boring people around.  Now that Marquel is gone...I've got nobody to root for.  We've spent three weeks dangling this idiotic secret admirer letter in front of our noses like a moldy carrot nobody wants to eat, we just want to get it out from in front of our f*cking faces.  I mean, the only way it's even remotely compelling is if it's from someone who she either already kicked off the show, or was never on the show to begin with. I mean, if this guy's still on the show and unable to tell her how he feels about her to her face, doesn't that say something about how ready he is to start a relationship with her?  The last time a secret admirer letter wasn't creepy was junior high, and even then it was pretty skeezy. 

Anyways, off to Venice.  The guys meet Andi, and they seem pretty shocked that there's no date card.  Is this  really a big deal to them?   Cody is convinced he'd get the first one on one date, which of course means he won't.  And of course the date goes to Nick, the guy Cody went off on for being an arrogant douche and called "bro" fifty thousand times last week.  DRAMA! 

Side note:  Venice looks awesome.  I'll add that to my list of cities I want to visit but won't see until the kids are out of college.  Andi says "I know this probably wasn't a popular choice with the guys, but they need to trust me."  So they're all supposed to be ok with you taking the same guy out over and over?  If they are, they aren't here for the right reasons, Andi.

The non dating guys give us the requisite "this hotel is amazing!" plug - I wonder how many people make their travel plans based on where ABC puts people up during this show.  They walk around and order pizza and take pictures with pigeons.  What I don't understand is why Andi would think a one-on-one date would prove to her that Nick's performance on the last group date was an aberration...wouldn't throwing him in another group date figure this out a little better?  Apparently not, as Andi feels "much better" about Nick now.  Every season is the same...the group dates are always disasters, everyone puts on their best face during the one-on-ones, and then it goes back to drama central the next time everyone's together.  Rinse, wash, repeat.

Meanwhile, the group date card comes, and Cody's not on it.  He does an idiotic dance and eloquently states his feelings by saying "one-on-one...me."  This guy is so going home on this date.  He's a complete idiot.  He's getting ready to show Andi he's more than muscles and a nice tan and a Chris-Griffin-from-Family-Guy voice.  Sadly for him, those muscles are the only reason he's still around, and once Andi gets to know "the real Cody," he's going to be on his way back to the states to eat his egg white omelets and crossfit classes.  I love all the "aww, buddy!" comments Cody gets from the other guys.  It's like when the autistic kid finally checks into the last basketball game of the season.

Time for dinner at something called a Masquerade Hall.  Italians made places specifically to mingle while concealing your identity?  Furthermore, I love the irony of people on the Bachelorette using this place to help Andi find out just who Nick is.  They again go over what a Grinch Nick was on the group date.  Cody gets brought up, and Andi says "I find it very attractive when a man is liked by other men," which may be the weirdest statement ever.  I get that you want to be able to hang around other people with your significant other....but I've never been like "you know what makes that person super attractive?  Other people like them!"  Andi asks Nick if he feels he's a front-runner, to which he replies with something about how special their connection is.  I wasn't really paying attention because I was distracted by the pouty duck face Andi put on.  So annoying!  How do you have a serious conversation with someone who is making that face at you?  It looks like she's bored/not buying it/drunk/disinterested.  This is the opposite of what she's actually feeling, because she's totally digging him and gives him a rose.  They then go over being in a Masquerade Ball and how he's been hiding his feelings behind a mask and oh my God make it stop. 


Group date time, and Andi's hand wringing over her secret admirer letter.  Andi takes them to a castle filled with suits of armor and swords.  She's super enjoying hanging these guys out to dry.  She looks like she's really excited to find out the results of this test, when we all know that she's going to be devastated by whatever she finds out.  Already, Chris is like "I've been hiding something from her."  Josh is wondering if he's going to get tortured.  Clearly they know how reality shows work.

Andi goes first.  "Is Italy your favorite country in the world?"  She says yes.  I say bullshit.  She'd live there if it was her favorite country.  Why wouldn't you live in your favorite country?  The guys go next, and the questions are the standard "are you here for the right reasons?" "are you ready for marriage?"  Until Dylan gets going.  "have you slept with more than 20 women?"  "Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?"  He answers both these questions incorrectly from the perspective of what Andi's probably wanting to hear.  Then he tells Andi he's not feeling well and needs to go home.  Wow.  Andi then acts like he's her seven year old son and asks him where it hurts.  Unbelievably Dylan responds like a seven year old by patting his belly and his head.  This was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen.  Ferris Bueller is proud of that performance, Dylan.  He's my front runner to go home at the end of the show tonight now.  Chris 'fesses up to being the secret admirer in one of the least surprising reveals ever. 

The scary Italian lie detectors reveal the results and tell us know who lied, but they omit Dylan.  The guys know Andi lied about Italy being her favorite country.  Turns out Andy Lasselle is a human lie detector.  Andi ends up ripping up the results of the test, robbing us of any sort of resolution and rendering the entire date worthless.  Why go on a date where you're going to be separated from the guys for most of the time and then not get any sort of payoff?  Holy crap I hate this show. 

Brian then gives Andi the most unsuccessful lie detector test ever.  Then he asks her three questions:  "Is your name Andi?" "Have you ever been in love?" and "Do you want to make out?"  She says no to which Brian giggles and screams "you're lying!" and gets his kisses.  He then tells the camera "I think Andi was surprised that I showed initiative."  I think she probably was surprised that Brian was able to make a move so far from a basketball court. 

Marcus then wins the night by telling her he was thinking about leaving, but then saying he loves her and getting a pretty serious make out session.  Andi can't believe that this amazing man who loves her thought about leaving.  I'd be real surprised if anyone else got the rose tonight.  Josh completely botches the lie detector follow up time by saying "I'm glad you ripped up the results" Andi starts in with that attitude she reserved normally for Juan Pablo.  Josh forgot the cardinal rule of dating Andi....it's all about Andi, and you do not question her motives or her methods.  Eric found that out when he said that he felt she was acting in front of the cameras, and NOW HE'S DEAD.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Chris reveals to Andi he's the secret admirer and gets his kiss, which is not nearly as romantic as the Marcus make out sesh.  High five for the sly butt caress though, Chris.  You're not such a shy farmer either.  Maybe you're actually a Naughty Farmer:

Of course, Andi gives the rose to Chris, making me look stupid.  You know what's even stupider?  Giving a rose to a guy for revealing he wrote you secret admirer notes over the guy who straight told you he loved you.  Marcus, you got hosed buddy.

Since Nick wasn't on the group date, JJ takes it upon himself to be salty about everything.  He's tired of everyone fist bumping and giving "atta boys" to each other.  JJ's finding it harder to enjoy other people's success on this "journey," but feels he has to, or be branded an a-hole.  He's got a point.  (see: Douchebag, Nick).

Andi says that "her relationship with Cody is definitely the furthest behind (because you haven't taken him on a one-on-one date yet, idiot), but that's why I waited this long to see if maybe it takes Verona to bring out the romance between us."  If it takes an Italian village to make you guys feel like kissing, I'd say you probably already know your answer, Andi.

They go to something called a "Juliet Club."  Apparently people write letters to Juliet asking for romance advice.  So they're looking for romance advice from one of the most romantic characters in literary history, and instead they get advice from Cody.  This is almost like those commercials where people go into fancy steakhouses and find out they're eating Walmart meat.  Of course they read a letter from a guy who really likes this girl, but always shares his time with her with a bunch of other guys.  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? 

Time for dinner, and Chris chooses the sport coat/V-neck combo.  His V-neck is more like a V-navel.  That thing's cut deeper than the Grand Canyon.  Andi counters with a leather jacket and tight, flesh colored pants.  A match made in heaven!  Cody, of course, has written his own letter to Juliet.  He praises Juliet for living the greatest love story of all time.....which always cracks me up because it ends in a murder/suicide.  How is that more romantic than being married for 70 years?  McAdams and Gosling probably have a better claim on the "greatest love story."

Cody starts going off on how much he loves Andi, and Andi just breaks down and starts crying and feels that she's not deserving of his affection, so she sends his ass home.  Cody, despite his over-bubbly enthusiasm, doesn't seem that fazed by the whole thing.  Just kind shakes his head and says "well, that sucks."  Cody's bag gets pulled out of the hotel, and the reaction from the guys is "meh."  Despite not really feeling any sort of romantic affection for the guy, Andi cries some big ass crocodile tears and talks about how hard it was.  Were I Cody, I would've said "if it's breaking you up this much to send me away, shouldn't that tell you something?"  Then hop in the van and let her stew on that for the rest of her life.  BOOM.

Cocktail Party time!  Chris and Nick are safe.  My guess for the guy joining Cody on his way out is Dylan.  Nick grabs Andi immediately, and the guys are all bitter.  I'd love to see all the guys just standing at the door saying "hey can I steal you for a second?"  Andi, of course, loves it and says that Nick "is a man."  Dylan comes in to steal her, and Andi looks like the cheerleader who's dad walked in while she was getting handsy under the blanket during a movie on the couch.  The guys start in on Nick for not respecting the "bro code."  How dare you try to spend time with her? 

JJ goes in for the kiss, Brian reads a note (the coward's way out), and Marcus reiterates how much he loves her.  Josh and Andi have another grouchy conversation, which should end with Josh angrily yelling "Damnit Andi, I love you!  Don't you understand that?" But of course it doesn't.  Even if he didn't mean it, it'd be a pretty good way to extend your stay on the show. 

Andi and Harrison have a talk, which would've been much better if Harrison had pulled out a second copy of the lie detector results and asked Andi again if she'd like to see them, but of course he doesn't.  Really missed a golden opportunity there, ABC.

Finally, we get to the rose ceremony, and Andi sends home.....JJ.  Well, I should've known the guy who said "one of us is going home at the end of the week, and I have no clue who it's going to be and it scares the hell out of me."  FORESHADOWING. 

Tune in next week when Brian and Chris go home. 

Bachelorette Episode 4 - Can't read my, Can read my....

Two episodes a week is just too much.  I've been putting off this episode all week - too tired from coaching little league, catching up on other shows, a trip to urgent care for my son's broken arm.....and actually being somewhat occupied at work.  But no longer!  The DVR has been cleared, as has my desk.  I've got my lunch (chicken apple sausage and Greek yogurt - but not mixed together because that's gross)...let's get it on!

We're down to 13 guys, and we're in Connecticut.  I actually like that the recent trend has been to travel around the lower 48 for a few weeks before heading out to Saint Tropez or something.  Let's see some of the cool places in this country.  However, Chris the Farmer leads us off by showing just how clueless most of America is about geography by saying "I've always wanted to travel to New England, it's like the Heartland, but on the east coast!"  You know, but minus the farms and plains.  This is a close second to whomever that girl was that told Juan Pablo that New Zealand reminded her of Ohio.  Eesh.

First date is for Dylan, and they're taking a steam train.  But rather than just taking the train, they're going to be driving it!  Everyone into the engine car.  Andi says "I hope Dylan's happy he got the date card, this is a BIG date!"  He better be happy he's getting a date, Andi.  You know, because he supposedly wants to marry you.  The whole "hey I'm going to make you shovel coal" threat turned into Andi playfully tooting the horn. 

As they cruise through Connecticut past people's houses and stuff, Andi just kind of stares out the window, while Dylan says "this is very New England" while he nervously strokes his own neck.  These two aren't connecting so well.  What will pick this up?  Talking about failed past relationships!  Dylan uses the "my ex is engaged now" story to segue into the "my brother is dead" story.  Andi, who then goes into a whole "I can tell Dylan wants to burst out and tell me his story" monologue, somehow doesn't take the bait to follow up with the obvious "so what happened with your brother?" question.  I recognize that this isn't normal first date banter, but he definitely brought it up, and you are basically speed dating, so it's seems pretty logical for her to inquire.  I mean, it's not exactly like he beat around the bush when he asked "so what happened?" about her 3.5 year relationship. 

This whole date sucks.  They aren't talking to each other about the one thing they obviously both want to talk about.  Back at the house, Josh has the unfortunate luck to be the last name written on the date card, so he has to play the bitter "but I wanted the one-on-one date!" guy.  Dylan is still talking about how he's nervous, but "don't you worry, Andi, you'll see the real Dylan later!"  Andi says "I can tell you're nervous, but maybe it's more than nerves."  Ya think?  He already mentioned his brother is dead. 

Dylan goes into his story, but when he mentions that it's "just him and his mom," Andi says "yeah, you mentioned that."  So why is it that when Dylan says that his sister passed, Andi just kind of nods.  At this point, you know that both of his siblings are dead, and there's no look of anything other than "ok, continue...." on her face.  Having two siblings OD is tragic.  Yet somehow, Andi turns this around on herself, saying "it's a big honor for someone to open up to me of all people."  YOU'RE DATING HIM!!!! 

Then we hit a new low point in Bachelor History when Andi brags about how she "knew" there was a reason his guard was up, and she had to figure it out, and in turn Dylan brags about how "low" his guard is because he "just told her more than most of his friends know."  If you're Dylan's friend, aren't you kind of pissed that he just opened up to a national TV audience before you...someone who, as a friend, probably said numerous times, "I'm here for you buddy, literally anything you need let me know."  I'd be furious...but you know in that "I can't be that furious because you just went through something incredibly tragic and everyone copes differently so I'm unable to judge you" sort of way.   They then have a conversation about how the rose isn't a pity rose, even though that's what it seems like.  I'll let my friend Annie sum this is up, as she said it perfectly on facebook last night:

Annie Thomas My thoughts exactly re: this original question. I MUST REVEAL MY SOB STORY WITHOUT DELAY. Also don't give me a pity rose, but really, you know, do.

Group date time!  It's time to for some WNBA action.  Of course, some guy has to say "oh man she looks so hot!" which is, you know, incredibly offensive and will get you slapped either with a fist or a lawsuit if you said it in any other scenario that involved ten guys strolling towards a girl all by herself.  Time for white guy trash talking!  All of a sudden they start talking more mess than Payton, and talking like they grew up playing hoops at Rucker Park in Harlem.  Cue Andi in a too large jersey mean mugging as she walks in with equally stone faced WNBA players.  Now we find out if ten normal guys could beat five elite female athletes.  The answer is, predictably, no.  Let's switch this up and have the guys play each other?  Coach Brian of course takes it way too seriously, drawing up plays, giving a "defense wins championships" speech.  In the other locker room, Josh and the guys do the dorkiest locker room cheer ever:  "Who are we?  FIVE HEARTS!!!"

Andi is impressed by false bravado, turned on by guys being intense in competition.  I can personally attest that this is most likely bullshit, because I don't think there's anything Rachel likes less about me than my hyper competitiveness on the basketball court.  I can't remember how many times she'd come to a rec league basketball game of mine and roll her eyes as I shoved some guy who was invading my personal space or did some sort of primal scream after missing a shot I felt I should have made.  Maybe women differ on thinking this trait is attractive....or maybe it's just that women dig that about guys they're trying to date, and once they have them, it becomes a bit tiresome.  More likely, girls like guys who are good at stuff.  If you're a really good fly fisher, or you're a really good singer, my guess is that girls are going to be drawn to that because of your talent.  However, if you're a terrible golfer, but buy the Calloway X-Hot Driver for $400 and drag her out to the links every weekend to sit in the cart while you hack your way to 26 over par 98, she's probably not going to admire your passion for the game.

Patrick is excited that his team is winning, because then they'll be going on a date "just the five of us!"  Really man?   This is like being excited that there's only five people in your taxi instead of eleven.  Sure, your face isn't smashed against the back window anymore, but you're still cramped and uncomfortable. 

Brian is calling out defenses, moving guys around the court, and just basically destroying the competition.  Andi is excited to share some time with the red team because "they were awesome."  She's heartbroken that the white team got their asses kicked.  Josh is pissed, and has the look of someone who may resort to blaming his teammates for the loss.  Meanwhile, Tasos and Chris have the look of some guys who are just happy the game is over.  They then try to cheer themselves up by saying "we played way harder than anyone on their team did."  Well, "A for Effort" Guys!  As we cut to the commercial, we're left with a hilarious shot of a dejected Josh lingering in the shadows of a women's basketball court that he just got his ass kicked on as we hear five grown man chant "Rosebuds" over and over again, celebrating beating five guys in a game of basketball that means they get to all five fawn over the same girl for a few more hours.  I mean, has there ever been anything lamer than this?  They popped champagne over a pickup game in an empty arena!  Furthermore, it seems like there's six guys on this winning team.  They had a sub!  Of course they won.  I call shenanigans. 

Eric gets the first solo time.  Andi says Eric is great, but their relationship has stalled.  Eric acknowledges he's actually terrible at basketball.  This is Andi's way of saying "dude I hate your stories, and I'm going to set you up to fail."  Eric says "I'm frustrated that everything is so formal, but it is what it is."  Andi, then says "well that's the way it is!"  So let me get this straight:  Eric says "this format isn't really me, but I'm making the best of it because I like you."  Andi says "I understand that this isn't the ideal setting for you, but I'm holding that against you anyways."  Well Eric, I'd say your doomed.  Then, unbelievably, Andi chastises him for only telling her about his work and his travels.....WHICH IS THE ONE UNIQUE AND INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE GUY!  "You never talk about your family!" she whines.  Eric says "fine, I'm going to tell you about my family."  He then talks about how he traveled around the country to see everyone!  Way to go bud.  He then reveals that he was raised Mormon, and then says that leaving his religion felt like leaving his family, but that it wasn't that big of a deal because his family loved him and they had a good relationship.  Andi apparently got the answers she wanted, to the point that she feels their relationship has moved forward.  You know, after they got to spend some time alone together, which is pretty much the only way any relationship moves forward. 

Brian is still feeling the high of basketball victory, and needs to get back onto the court to be back in his element.  Brian then says "I love scoring points, but seeing you in a jersey was the best."  They then have that weird conversation where a girl tries to impress a guy by throwing out random sports terminology like "this is for the MVP" which is absurd because you can't win the MVP when you're the only one on the court.  Like if you miss, who's the MVP?  The rim?  Rim's not a player!  Ha ha, Andi!  Of course he makes a half court shot, and Andi says "he didn't just make it, it swooshed right in!"  Swooshed!  Of course the fact that he swooshed it makes him infinitely more desirable to Andi and she must be kissed by this sexy half-court shot swoosher immediately! 

Side note:  We just had that whole #yesallwomen movement start up, bringing to the forefront of society that seedy side of gender relations where men feel women should be impressed by the fact that they are men and submit to them because of their prowess.  It's a problem.  What's also a problem is this woman Andi being held up to us by ABC as a woman whom men will literally compete to be next to essentially throwing herself at a guy because he can put a ball through a hoop from fifty feet.  It's insane. 

Andi is BEGGING for a kiss, and instead, Brian goes in for the bro hug.  Well at least we know Brian does view her as a conquest.  Good for you Brian....unfortunately Andi is looking for a take charge kind of guy.  Nick is that guy, apparently.  He's all over her.  He's so into her that he can't even put his drink down while they kiss.  So of course, the rose goes to....Brian?  Let's break this down:

Brian:  Good at Basketball, says she "looks hot in a jersey," made a half court shot, didn't kiss her, totally misread the situation

Nick:  Repeatedly tells Andi how much he likes her.  Kisses her, holds her hand.  Andi says "he gets me.  He sees all of me, of who I am." 

Moral of the story:  Guys that are good at sports get the girl.  Yet somehow we're still surprised when an athlete has multiple children with multiple women, or is accused of sexual assault.  It's because their whole lives, women like Andi keep reaffirming to them that women are turned on by the fact that they can dunk a basketball and look good in a tank top, to the point that they'll completely overlook a guy that, you know, cares about them to chase a jersey.  AMERICA!!!!

On a more positive note, we're moving on to a one on one date where at least people act somewhat rationally.  UNFORTUNATELY, we've made it to the extreme sports date of the season.  I can't get over the fact that Marcus is keeping his scarf on to repel down a building.  A SCARF!!!!  We're talking about how intense this activity is, and this dude is wearing jeans and a scarf.  Despite all the hand wringing before hand, Marcus calmly leans off the edge and says "oh this is easy!"  Andi is not quite convinced, and will not step off the edge.  Marcus says "I'm way more scared than you, I promise."  LIES.  He then says "Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, hon, Andi, Andi, Andi," until she finally realizes she's OK.  They then go over the side, and Marcus asks her about her mother and they have one of the dumbest conversations ever about how bad her mom is at golf.  Instantly, all of her fear is gone, and she's swinging around like a ninja to get a kiss.  Also, they happen to be repelling right past the suite the guys are in.  Marcus asks if they can kiss in front of the other guys, and Andi says "no."  Juan Pablo just threw something at his TV and said "I would've totally kissed in front of them to make them jealous, but ESSSS OKAY!"  Marcus and Andi are proud of each other, and couldn't have gotten through this without each other.  I'm about to throw up my lunch.

Time for dinner, at the "oldest working inn in America."  Marcus toasts their day together, calling something he was able to do while wearing a scarf and jeans the "toughest time in his life."  Marcus asks to cover up the rose, which Andi seems to think means he doesn't realize what a catch he is.  Marcus was dumped 3.5 years ago, and this is the first time he's been able to trust a woman since.  Andi, a prosecutor, says she trusts people immediately.  Maybe it's a good thing she quit her job.  Talk talk talk...he gets a rose.  They go to a concert and dance in front of a bunch of strangers who just want to see themselves on TV.  ROMANCE.  He says he's falling in love with her, Andi has the look of a drunk girl who really appreciates having a guy to prop herself against as she sways to the music. 

As Andi sups her hot cocoa and ponders the upcoming rose ceremony, she's given a love letter from a secret admirer.  Don't really understand the whole "secret admirer" idea.  Tell someone you love them, but you don't want them to know who you are?  It's like a gateway note to stalkerism.  Plus, in a competition where you could be going home in a few hours and lose your window, it's not like after you've been cut you can say "but I wrote you that letter!" and get back on the show.  Brian, who has a rose and is safe, says he's "confident" going into the rose ceremony.  Well done buddy.  Tasos, who tried so hard and yet was never even seen on the court, steals her away.  Andi says she likes that he's doing something different or something, but then says that it's "on the guys to stand out, and it's not about the little things or the gimmicks, it's about them."  I'm a little confused.  Tasos is talking about being true to himself, just as Brian comes up to steal Andi away.  Tasos, true to himself, says "no problem buddy!" and removes himself from the room.  Brian takes her back to the basketball court, the only place he's apparently able to function, and finally gives her that kiss.  I'm starting to wonder if he has to turn on Jock Jams and introduce himself by saying "AND NOW, AT COACH, , 5'11" FROM PENNSYLVANIA...BRIAN OSBOURNE!!!" before having relations with a lady in his bedroom.

Eric's up next, and he's apparently worked himself into a lather since their last conversation where she questioned him not opening up.  Eric's grumpy, and he's going to let Andi know that, in fact, he is the open one.....she's the one not talking about herself!  "I want to date a person, not a TV actress."  Uh oh, you're in the Pablo Zone now buddy.  Eric's about to get taken down.  Eric's trying to be honest with her, and says she's got a "poker face" on.  Eric tries to say "this is you being real" as she starts railing on her.  Eric's point is that he feels she hasn't been comfortable,  but Andi does not like her motives questioned.  They go around and around in circles where Eric says "I see the real Andi when we're alone, and I see a different Andi when the other guys are around."  Andi gives him the "you have no idea how hard this is to me to stay up so late and then have to send somebody home...."  What I get from that is that Andi would really rather be sleeping than talking to some of these guys, which I think is Eric's point.  Eric doesn't really seem to understand that it's a TV show and that she has to kind of pretend there's a relationship with some of these guys to an extent.  They both agree that a relationship between the two of them isn't going to work, and then Andi yells at all the other guys about how offensive the "poker face" comment was.  However, all I think about is this Lady Gaga and this:

 

 

Anyways, this guy who really drank from the cup of life and wanted everyone and everything to be authentic and genuine in his world, is dead.  That is pretty sad, because he appeared to be someone who really enjoyed being alive.  Chris and Andi talk about what a great guy he was and it's unfortunate how they said goodbye, and oh yeah, Tasos is gone.  So much for being yourself, buddy. 

Bachelorette Week 3 pt.1

Poor Bachelorette.  It keeps getting pushed further and further down my priorities list, falling behind NCAA baseball this week.  I'm not particularly interested in Andi or any of these guys really, so this is going to be struggle the rest of the season.  On deck tonight:  Our requisite extreme sports date, Boyz II Men, and old people makeup.

LA dates are over, but Andi is super excited to be going to Santa Barbara.  Budget must be getting lower....a whopping trip of 100 miles.  Andi gets to stay all week, but the guys are bussing it up there?  C'mon ABC.  Ten million viewers and you can't splurge a little? 

Up first is Nick V.  They go for a bike ride, and play in the sand, but almost all of the conversation is voiceover work.  Not much of them talking to each other.  Apparently I'm not the only person picking up on this, because back at the house F1 bro Andrew is breaking down Nick's chances with Marcus.  The chances he comes home are "50/50" according to them, and he's not "committed to the process."  This is just a strange date with lots of small talk.  Finally, they have a substantive conversation about - what else - the process.  Nick deploys the standard "I just don't know where I stand" conversation, or the conversational version of George Strait's "Check Yes or No."  Hilariously, as Nick starts talking about how he'd love to exit this date feeling like Andi could be the one, we get a shot of them hugging on a mountain and Andi saying "we could just be silent up here."  In other words "don't talk dude, you'll ruin it."  What a boring first segment.  Nick, America wants to send you home.

Time for a romantic dinner at...a courthouse?  Really?  What is it with ABC and courthouses?  Nothing screams romance like a courthouse.  Everyone knows the most romantic weddings happen at courthouses, so why not dinners too?  Andi is done messing around - she gives Nick the "why are you single?" question, which always strikes me as funny.  Why is Andi single?  Is she trying to say that Nick is out of her league?  No, this is the ABC way of getting to the tragic backstory of how Nick broke up with his last girlfriend.  Synopsis:  He dated his high school girlfriend off and on for eight years, met someone else, got engaged to her way too fast because she was new, and they broke it off before tying the knot.  Sounds pretty standard.  Andi is impressed that he "talks about it" and is "more open."  Again, this is not something that anyone should feel the need to keep secret.  Nick's idea of a romantic relationship is "we could be dating other people, but we don't want to."  Because nothing says romance like "Bitch don't step out of line, because I could find another you in a second."  I kind of get what he's saying - I think I've brought up my "relationships are like steak dinners" correlation before:  If you go to a restaurant that serves a good steak that you really like, it doesn't mean that there's not another restaurant anywhere that wouldn't serve a steak that you like just as much, or maybe even better.  You just keep going to the same restaurant because it is delicious and makes you feel good and why risk eating a crappy steak somewhere else hoping to recreate what you already have?  COMMIT TO THE STEAK.  You'll be happier. 

Anyways, Nick gets a rose.

Time for the group date - and the guys freak out at the sight of the limo's in the driveway.  Riding in a limo was cool when I was in seventh grade.  I'm not sure it has the same effect in your thirties.  Andi is super excited to throw a curveball at the guys...with Boyz II Men singing.  At least the three remaining members.  Apparently one dude left due to back problems and became a terrible actor.  He was set to rejoin the group in 2011 for a reunion album/tour, but talks broke down like his back, and that's that.  People who were once a part of a group that left the group willingly and went on to better things:  Justin Timberlake.  That's it.  You can say Lennon or McCartney, but really were they bigger as a solo act than they were as Beatles?  No.  Today's lesson is apparently "DON'T MESS WITH A GOOD THING.

Eric, who has a look on his face that looks like he may not fully know who Boyz II Men is,  nonetheless says "I think I touched my first butt to I'll Make Love to You" in seventh grade.  Yay Eric!  Bradley has the look of "I'm going to try WAY TOO HARD to win this rose today.  The guys are terrible singers.  Not so shocking.  Singing is hard.  There's a reason we all have the music up so loud in the car when we sing along with the iPod...it's because we all don't want to hear our own voices.  These dates are all about having fun and not caring that you look stupid, because no matter what you do, you're going to look stupid.  Speaking of looking stupid, Bradley's doing the thing where he holds his hand over his ear to really "hear" himself sing.  Maybe this is a thing singers do that actually helps, but it just looks like you're trying to hold in an imaginary earpiece.  I always assumed that's what it was, and anyways I think it looks stupid when Mariah Carey does it, so when everyone else is present in the room and Bradley's off in a corner singing to himself, it looks extra dumb.

Surprise, they're singing at an actual concert!  I love that they're wearing Boyz II Men style outfits from 1994.  Not even Boyz II Men is wearing those.  Also, why is the crowd more interested in getting video on their phones of the bachelors than the actual singers?  Ridiculous.  Bradley is working it....Eric actually does a decent job (he's good at EVERYTHING!!!)  Other highlights include the Formula One Bros bro hugging while singing, and Andi saying "these guys are butchering the song but they think they are doing such a good job."   Literally, nobody could think they were doing a good job.  Holy hell that was terrible, but probably a lot of fun.  I've done karaoke exactly three times in my life - I sang "Bust a Move" at my high school graduation all night party, I sang "Highwaymen" with my buddy Dave at this dive bar in Brookings, Oregon, and I sang "I Want it That Way" at our wedding reception in Wisconsin with my brother.  Nobody ever clapped for me.  Even at my own wedding.  I'm that awful.  I doubt I'll ever do it again.  The one exception would be if my kids start getting a little too full of themselves and I see a good opportunity to embarrass the hell out of them. 

Time for the post group date pool party....only it looks pretty cold, judging from Bradley's Brokeback Mountain style sheep's wool jacket.   Andi decides she wants to mess with Cody by saying "some of the guys say he's got a girlfriend......and she's a STRIPPERRRRRRRRRR!"  What a terrible prank.  Her sense of comedic timing is terrible.  She didn't let him twist nearly long enough.  There needed to be a lot more of him stuttering and getting angry and whatnot.  Instead all we got is Cody going "errrrrr......"  Wheels turn slow in that meathead's brain. 

Awkward moment of the night:

Marquel:  What's your favorite color?
Andi:  Is black a color?
Marquel:  Duly noted!

Meanwhile the other guys are going way off the deep end now - lots of "she's flawless" and "you're the first girl in forever that I've been excited to see."  This is in stark contrast to Single Andy Lasselle, who was excited to see EVERY GIRL.  Josh gets a kiss, and grunts like he's lifting a refrigerator every time he comes up for air.  It must work though, because he gets the rose.  Marcus, who also got a kiss, is not happy at all.  But he's not jealous, cause you know "what we have together is so much more than anything she has with the other guys."  There's a whole lot of insecurity wrapped in that bravado, Marcus.

JJ's up next, and their date consists of dressing up like old people.  Kind of odd that they're spending the first however many hours of their date are spent not seeing each other, but it probably forces them to actually talk to each other.  Once dressed up, they head off to the park to "fool some people."  I'm not sure how they're fooling people....their idea of how old people talk is awful.  Apparently Andi is one breath away from dying and JJ just got punched in the nuts. 

Meanwhile, back at the house....Smooth Ron drama!  He's on a cell phone angrily shooing away the cameras, who respectfully keep filming him from further away.  Classy, ABC.  Given that Smooth Ron hasn't shown us much smoothness since his initial conversation with Andi, my theory is that Ron just isn't feeling Andi and wants off the show.  However, since they're pushing this "Andi is the perfect woman that everyone wants" angle, they need to manufacture some drama to get him off the show. 

JJ and Andi spend the rest of the day treating their date like an episode of Jackass, doing young people things while they look like old people.  They're playing football!  They're doing pushups!  They're swinging on a tire swing! 

Ron's far too smooth to risk not getting the girl on national TV, so they employ the "my friend died" excuse.  I love that the guys feel bad for Ron because they know he wants to be there.  Nevermind the dead close friend, such a bummer that you had to leave the Bachelorette!!  The whole thing seems weird....if he really wanted to be there, he couldn't have at least told Andi goodbye?  I'm not buying the story here.

Dylan needs to tell Andi his story.  But first he's going to tell the guys and all of us:  His sister OD'd on drugs, then his brother got more into drugs as a result of this and OD'd himself.  Very sad.  Doesn't make you more dateable.  JJ got a rose, and he didn't need to drop a sob story on her to get it.

As the guys hem and haw about who gets a rose.  Marquel says "everyone deserves a rose."  Very youth sports of you, Marquel.  Hope you brought Capri Sun for everyone too.  Andi brings up the Ron situation, saying "I care for everyone here....  This is real life....  Everyone have a good night!"  Interesting pep talk there Andi.  Eric thanks Andi again for his first date then tries to very unsubtly figure out how the other dates have gone by saying "that was best date, right?"  Before Andi has to maneuver that minefield, Nick V. orders up a delivery of a bouquet of flowers.  Nice timing, Nick.  Eric is not accustomed to being one-upped, and it shows.  He's out of his depth now.  Quick, where's a mountain to climb? 

Andi is excited that the guys are bringing it and being thoughtful.  Hate to break it to her that all guys are like that at first.  You know why?  Because there's an unlimited number of options of things you can do.  The first gift I got Rachel was a soccer ball and tickets to the Women's World Cup semifinals.  HOW DO I EVER TOP THAT? 

Speaking of being thoughtful, apparently Formula One Bro Andrew snagged a girl's phone number at dinner last week, and it's up to Playboy Josh to get to the bottom of this.  We get our first "for the right reasons" reference, but Andrew is having none of it.  "I'm not going to engage in this with you guys" he huffs as he walks away.  Not to be outdone, JJ and Josh follow him up the stairs, recapping the whole situation to him again as the poor camera guys struggle to keep up.  Andrew is taking the fifth here. 

I like that the guys gave him a chance to explain himself before they take it to Andi.  Let's be honest here, Andrew probably didn't have a chance.  Andi and Andrew?  It's just too much.  During this drama, Marcus steals off to get some kisses and give her a note.  Andrew feels attacked because "he's a threat."  Andrew, who has now crafted his story, says that some girl handed him his number and that's the end of the story.  If that's the case, then he really doesn't have anything to apologize for.  If some girl gave me her number out of the blue, I'd tell everyone about it, because that would be AWESOME.  Would I do anything about it?  Of course not, I love my wife.  But everyone likes being desired.  Then it breaks down into "who found out what when" and Josh goes Mike Gundy reference, bellowing "I'm a grown ass man."  Andrew then shows a complete misunderstanding of how a dating show works, saying "I thought we were all in this together!"

Time for the roses....of course nobody lets Andi know what's going on, because it's probably a non-issue that they're trying to make sound bigger than it is.  Andi gives the guys the "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" pep talk, and then hands out roses to Marcus, Brian, Marquel (black is her favorite color!), Tasos, Meathead Cody (again?), Patrick, Farmer Chris, Eric (his chance at love is not dead yet!),  Dylan of the drug family, and Andrew the number getter.  Gone are the opera singer who thought being able to sing a Boyz II Men song would make her fall in love with him, and then goes real melodramatic style, crying and sobbing "I just want to love and be loved,"  and Brett the hairstylist. Basically roses were given to Eric, Marcus, and a bunch of guys who don't really have a shot.