Seriously...he looks like a bear that just feasted on salmon for a good three months and is getting ready to hibernate. I don't want to give away the movie, but Godzilla basically hangs out that the bottom of the ocean for hundreds if not thousands of years waiting for other monsters to show up and then battles them before going back into the sea. Basically a flimsy story with kickass special effects. Now back to our Bachelorette - Where Andi is STILL trying to come to grips with being the bachelorette. How is this so surreal to her? She's already been through this. She's done the rose ceremonies, and because you're past contestant who finished in the final four, you're one of only three ladies that could even be considered for this role. Her competition was Claire and Renee this time, and Claire's bizarre family (and crazy personality quirks) probably excluded her from consideration and Renee went and found herself a man the old fashioned way, so it was pretty much down to her. Not that big of a shock to anyone except her.
Harrison comes in and reminds the guys that this will end up with Andi being one of their wives, which is "pretty crazy" when you think about it. I agree. You'd have to be crazy even attempt to find a spouse this way.
Dead Guy Eric gets the first date. The guys try to psych Eric out telling him how nervous he's going to be. Andi shows up wearing half of a tank top in a corvette (which is the only way Bachelorettes travel, by the way). The guys come out to give them a shirtless send off - I'm pretty sure that you can fit all the clothes you need to wear on this six month show in a carry-on. Eric finally starts to annoy me, bragging about camping with a witch doctor and responding to the question "do you know how to ride a motorcycle?" by saying "yeah, I actually rode one half way across Africa a few months ago." We get it dude, you're so international." After some frolicking on the beach, a helicopter shows up, and Eric - Mr. Travel - has to act like he's totally geeked to be getting into a helicopter, even though he rode on the skids of one over Victoria Falls throwing MRE packages to malnourished Maasai children last week (just kidding - I think.)
So they take the chopper from the beach to the mountain, where Eric seems in awe of the speed at which helicopters fly (we went from the sand to the snow in twenty minutes! It's like a sci-fi novel!) Eric then lets us know that he loves the beach and the mountains, as if this is a coincidence and that 85 percent of the world loves mountains and beaches. Andi says "this is insane" which I think is her catch phrase. And then the world's ultimate bro and Olympic Snowboarder, Louis Vitto, shows up to help them snowboard. I feel bad that our nation's Olympians have to make money giving lessons to lame reality show contestants - can't we just pay Olympians already? Louis gives them some super basic instructions and then looks for any way possible to get the hell out of there. Andi purposely runs down Eric and that's about it. Andi marvels at Eric's snowboarding skills, gushing "he's good at everything!" If by everything you mean traveling around the world (which I guess is a "skill"), making sand castles, snowboarding and combing his immaculate hair, then yes. He gives nice compliments about her bringing hot chocolate too, as if it was Andi's idea to bring a thermos on this date. He's a keeper!
The night wraps up at a mountain chalet. Eric says that day has been unforgettable so far, which apparently means that he could develop amnesia later on in the night. Andi challenges him to name three things he's not good at, but he kinda stops after saying "playing the piano." Eric then tells a story about how he was in Syria and militants thought he was a spy and thought he was going to die, but he was able to talk about how he was there to talk about the happiness of Syrians and the militants let him go. This guy is clearly very proud of the life he leads, which I commend him for, but I see how his stories could get very, very grating after a while. Like, if you were married to this dude, or his friend, or a relative would you EVER tell a story in his presence? You start talking about the time you found a baby bird in your yard and nursed it back to health, and he says "I know exactly how you feel! When I was summiting Mt. McKinley, I came across a bald eagle that had fallen out of its nest. It had a broken wing and a Grizzly bear was coming into eat it. I was able to talk the bear down by telling it of the unbreakable spirit of the bald eagle, and, after making a splint out of the branches of a nearby douglas fir, I chewed up some raw salmon and fed it to the eagle until it came to think of me as its mother."
Their night concludes with them talking about children and how he is open to marriage because he discovered only recently that people don't turn into completely different people after tying the knot and her giving him a rose. Oh and then they roast marshmallows while Eric tells yet another story about roasting a marshmallow over a volcanic vent in Guatemala. Well, I'm pretty much done with him now. My bald eagle story gets more plausible every second. Obviously it's sad that he's dead, but he lived a pretty full 31 years it sounds like. Me? I once went to Canada, so perhaps I'll live to be 120.
Back at the house, the guys are able to infer from the date card that they'll be getting into some state of undress on the group date. One guy, whose name escapes me, says "he's excited to drop trou." Ok then.
Excited to be Naked with ten other dudes turns out to be Craig. He already loves her. Marquel the Cookie Monster seems to prefer wrestling bears than to be getting bare. Andi thinks the guys are going to be "shocked." Despite the fact that they've been speculating about getting undressed since the date card showed up, the guys all of a sudden do seem a little surprised to be dancing nekkid. Why is it that the only way the bachelor seems to know how to "give back" to charity is to be naked. Surely there have to be some other talents these people have, right? Then again, these guys aren't exactly the brightest. The guys are split into three groups (firefighters, cowboys, and soldiers) plus two solo acts. Craig is....what the hell is Craig's deal? He's awestruck by how sexy Josh is, and just can't stop giggling. Cody the meathead says "life is good," because he gets to take his clothes off for a sexy girl. Actually, for a guy that obviously spends an insane amount of time on his body, this is probably the perfect "date" for him. He doesn't have to deal with all those annoying things like conversation and caring about what the other person is saying. I imagine that at some point in his life, he's been on a date with a girl, and she's started talking about her passion for shelter pets and he's just cut her off by taking his shirt off. "Enough of you, LOOK AT MY ABS!" Sadly, it's probably worked for him too.
Oh look, Sharleen and the Dog Lover are here. Of course they're still in LA! Craig is STILL awestruck by Josh's body...this is getting awkward. Nick the golfer apparently shows everyone his naughty bits, and someone decides to give Chris Harrison a lap dance. Funny, but also weird. Marcus plays up the "holy crap I'm nervous to be a solo act." part, and Andi acknowledges it despite probably being the one that picked him out to be a solo act. Of course, Marcus was able to pick Andy out of the crowd and that helps him calm himself. Because if there's anything that calms me down, it's taking my clothes off on a first date.
Craig just can't WAIT to get into the booze. Andi's boobs on the other hand, can't WAIT to get out of her dress. Holy crap. Brian pulls Andi aside, and she says how impressed she was that he didn't look nervous. He also reiterates that seeing Andi calmed him down and reminded him that this was "for a good cause."
Josh wants to not be stereotyped as a "player" athlete - claiming he's shy. Andi says "you didn't look shy on stage" to which he replies "well, I'm not going to be shy once I'm naked." That seems like the PERFECT time to get shy. Maybe I need to devote the next two years to my body and see if that changes my mind, but I'm still thinking it'd be a good time to get shy.
Craig continues his man-crush with Josh's body...and holy shit he's an annoying drunk. The Opera Singer sings opera, and then Craig delivers the question of the night: "What is the worst thing about your parents....BOOM!" So fantastic. Andi starts talking about how she can't even concentrate because things are getting "so crazy downstairs." As if this is everyone and not just Craig. Andi is not happy that people are having fun that doesn't involve her. "They're here to date" she snarls. Well, Andi, I'm sure your night is wall to wall with conversations and dating, but these guys are spending hours hanging out with each other and alcohol just waiting for their fifteen minutes with you. Nick's got his trunks on, so obviously the pool was a possibility for the night. Even if it wasn't, THERE'S A POOL THERE WITH A HOT TUB. Patrick got shoved into the stove, and is deeply offended. Everyone is all a tizzy that this happened to Andi - how could Craig ruin her night like this? How dare he? However, nobody is pulling him aside to say "yo buddy, this is about her, not you." Andi now questions if these guys are here for the right reasons. THERE IT IS! We didn't even make it through week 2 before questions people's intentions for the show, despite the fact that almost nobody is actually on this show for the right reasons (see the fact that Sharleen and Kelly have seemingly quit their jobs post-bachelor to hang out in LA.) Andi applauds Marcus for taking
control of the situation. By taking control, she means he was the first person after Craig's antics to have one-on-one time with her. This earns him the rose for the night. Right place, right time buddy.
Cookie Monster didn't get one-on-one time because he sat back. That doesn't stop him from blaming Craig, however. Bad move, Cookie.
Chris the hipster farmer has his one on one date. He goes to get ready and quips "Time to put some lipstick on this pig." Farmer Wit! Time for some horse racing.....Andi decides to get dressed up like it's the 1940's, which is great, if a little confusing...if for no other reason than because we see Andi walking around all dolled up while people in "Tap Out" T-shirts and jean shorts wander around in the background. Chris makes a joke about how his horse is "running sideways" which makes me laugh because I picked out Bayern as my horse in the Preakness the other week, and sure enough my horse trotted sideways and then proceeded to get smoked in the race. Of course his horse wins. The sweet old couple that also got dressed up for the act. Of course, we have to get the "advice from the old people." Was it coincidence that this old dude is the only other person wearing a bowtie at the track? Or is this a plant to get us to picture what Andi and Chris could look like in 55 years?
Andi's catch phrase of "this is insane" is quickly getting replaced by "stop." Your horse wins? Stop. You know how to ride a motorcycle? STOP. You know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich? STOP!!! Chris tells us his story of woe, how he was once engaged. If you're keeping track at home, Eric was almost killed by Syrian militants and Chris had an engagement broken off. Of course he claims that he didn't "know in his gut" that she was the right person, which is super easy to say in hindsight. However, nobody gets engaged to someone they're not sure at the time they want to marry. Chris, who is sweating like the pigs he farms, claims that despite his past, he KNOWS that Andi is the one. I just....I mean....well maybe he meant....nope. I got nothing.
Chris gets the rose, but Andi has one more surprise. It's concert time! This Wild Life (which could be called This Wild Beard) is out on the track for a private show! Good thing for This Wild Life that Andi offered him the rose, right? Otherwise they end up playing a concert for lonely Andi and the old couple?
Time for a cocktail party, and Andrew (one of the Formula One bros.) sets the tone for us by telling us that there is tension. Thanks, buddy. I think he even threw out the statement "aside from the guys with the roses, anyone could be going home." Yup. Andi's got another dress on cut down to her navel, and Nick V. who looks a little like Gionvani Ribisi to me, gets some one on one time right off the bat. I wonder if ever in the history of the show someone has been able to save themselves from chopping block at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. He made a good impression apparently though, because Andi makes it seem like he's definitely safe. Marquel has striped socks, a checkered shirt, and a camouflage looking tie on. That's the kind of thing that I guess is "fashion" yet I think looks insane.
Andi is clearly loving the guys telling her how amazing she is, and they're working it. Josh is all a flutter, talking a hundred miles an hour - and Andi eats up every second of it, before pulling him in for a kiss. Safe to say we'll be seeing him next week.
One guy we won't see next week is Craig, but he's going to try like hell to change that. Craig decides that the best way to apologize is to sing her a song. This is probably a good move if you can sing, but he clearly can't. Wow buddy. Never a good sign when the other guys are laughing and not saying "damn, Craig really made up for it."
At the rose ceremony, Eric, Marcus, and Chris will be joined next week by Smooth Ron (who is so smooth he doesn't even need to appear on the episode to get a rose), Dylan, JJ the Pantsapreneur, Marquel the Mismatched Cookie Monster, Formula One Bro Andrew, Tasos the unremarkable, Josh the confident guy who has Andi convinced he's shy, Meathead Cody, Nick V, Patrick the other Formula One Bro, Brian the confident stripper, Brett and his mullet. Leaving us with Nick the Golfer, Drunk Craig, Opera Singing Bradley, and some guy trying really hard to be Adam Levine with non-prescription glasses. That guy turns out to be Carl the firefighter. I almost didn't recognize him. Pro Golfer Nick wonders when he's going to get a break. Because, you know, being a pro golfer sucks. Andi tells Craig he'd still have a chance if he hadn't gotten so drunk, but seriously he was so annoying he'd probably have gone home anyways.
