Paging Ralph Miller

Seriously bro - anytime you want to, you know, come back to life and coach again, we're waiting.

OSU's basketball season came to a merciful end yesterday with a 96-92 loss to Radford yesterday in the CBI Tournament.  In case you don't know what that is, all you need to know is that my late grandfather called it the "Crud Bucket Invitational."  In case you've never heard of Radford, they're a small school somewhere in Virginia.  Typing this while simultaneously watching the Ducks beat BYU in the NCAA tournament makes this officially the low point of the Craig Robinson era. 

How did Oregon State basketball get here?  Oregon State went to the NCAA tournament in 7 of 10 years from 1979-1989.  Then Ralph Miller retired.  In 1990, Jimmy Anderson, Miller's top assistant, guided a Gary Payton led squad back to the tournament, where they lost to Ball State.  The last 25 years have been awful for a once proud program.  How bad?  As Craig Robinson left the podium last night, he said "if I get fired, it's been nice knowing you guys."  Oregon State's own coach is cracking jokes after losing at home to a Big South school in front of an announced crowd of less than 1,400 people.  The reason he's able to crack jokes is because either he doesn't care if he gets fired, or he knows it's a long shot that he will be fired because of the athletic department's financial situation.  Maybe a combination of the two.  Either way, it's terrible, and it's not the first time he's made a strange statement that seems to indicate he's not that interested in being the Beavers coach:

• In a January 21st story in the Oregonian, he said that, if he were "out of a job" and Princeton offered him an athletic director position, "that would be the one place" he'd go for.  I don't think I've heard a coach discuss his next job while still in season at his current job.  At the time, the Beavers were 10-7 and had just come off a win over the Ducks - a time when you'd think his job security would be at a high point.  Furthermore, if he was out of a job, he'd only consider working at one place?  Is he ready to retire?  Clearly not, as he said he "wasn't burned out yet" in the same story.  To make things even stranger, I can't find anything online that lists Craig Robinson as a potential candidate, other than the speculation coming from his own mouth.  It almost seems like he's putting himself out there for it.
• In the March 4th Daily Barometer, when speaking about senior Roberto Nelson, Robinson said "“The fact that that kid (Nelson) is going to have a degree from Oregon State is almost as shocking as the fact that we’re sitting here with an opportunity to be .500.”   To me, that sounds like he's calling his team "lucky" to be winning half their games.  It also sounds a little bit like he thinks Roberto Nelson should not be a college student, but whatever. 

So what happened with Craig Robinson?  When he was hired, the consensus was that Oregon State needed to hire a "system" coach who would be able to bring some structure to a program that seemingly had no offensive direction under Jay John.  In his first season, he led a team that went winless in conference play to a  respectable 7-11 conference record and a postseason championship (albeit in that very same Crud Bucket Invitational.)  Multiple, multiple times, Robinson has referred to the players on that team as not skilled or talented enough to compete at the Pac-10 (now Pac-12) level.  Yet, by slowing down other teams with an unorthodox 1-3-1 zone spearheaded by an incredible athlete in Seth Tarver (a guy with no real basketball "skills")  and playing a deliberate outside-in offense run through Roeland Schaftenaar - a 6'10" guy who was too scrawny to play inside and too slow to play outside, but could pass the ball exceptionally well - he was able to get other teams to play at the Beavers pace and win some games they probably shouldn't have.  And I think that early success, coupled with the whole "my sister is the First Lady" business ultimately did him in.

The early success breathed some life into a once proud fan base.  They wanted to know what was next.  What was next was a fairly highly regarded recruiting class that included Joe Burton, Roberto Nelson, and Jared Cunningham.  Joe Burton fit the style Craig Robinson had played the previous year - he was a point guard trapped in a post players body - the other guys were gunners.  They were built to play fast.  Robinson made a point to tell everyone that they were going to play faster once they got "good" athletes in the program.  He was going to get rid of the 1-3-1 defense (probably the team's biggest weapon) and play more man to man.  All of this sounded great.  The only problem?  I don't think Craig Robinson is comfortable coaching that style of play.  He played at Princeton - an Ivy League school that doesn't offer athletic scholarships and has such stringent academic requirements that they automatically disqualify themselves from a large majority of recruitable athletes.  His only college coaching experience prior to Oregon State was an assistant at Northwestern and two years as a head coach at Brown, which both have the same built-in disadvantages that Princeton has.  So for the last 35 years or so, the only basketball he's been around has been played with inferior athletes that play below the rim.  Yet his plan was to recruit athletes and completely change his system - a system that probably got him the job in the first place.  Washington State had a similar situation, and they turned to Tony Bennett, who was able to implement an offensive system based on relatively un-athletic white guys like  Taylor Rochestie and Robbie Cowgill and go to the Sweet Sixteen despite ranking 226th in the nation in points per game.  Tony Bennett went on to Virginia, where he's got his team a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament despite ranking (you guessed it) 289th in the country in points per game.  He's stuck with his system, despite having unquestionably better athletes than he had at Wazzu.  Craig wanted to have a sexy program to recruit sexy players, and it's backfired big time.  He brought in guys like Ahmad Starks, who in three years obliterated just about every 3 point record Oregon State has.  Problem was, he got obliterated on the defensive side of the ball.  He brought in Eric Moreland, another freak athlete, who has been suspended for parts of each of the last two seasons and gives off the impression that he's only playing college basketball until the NBA comes calling, even if the NBA seems to have "lost" his number like that hot girl in your physics class that keeps telling you "oh yeah, we'll hang out......sometime."

So now he's got guys who can score, and score in bunches.  The team averaged 60.8 points per game in his first season.  In his second year, they averaged 60.3.  This year - 75.8 points per game.  So great...we can score now.  Problem is, they still can't defend anyone.  Points allowed per game have gone from 63.3 his first year to 75.6 this season, 306th in the nation.  Yet he's continued to play primarily man to man.  Why, I have no clue.  Craig Robinson likes to quote his father's advice often.  One of the most popular ones is "you don't always get what you deserve, but you deserve what you get."  Well, my dad taught me a few things too, amongst them "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and "dance with the one that brought you."  Robinson abandoned everything that had made him successful.

A big complaint I've heard this season is that Craig Robinson doesn't seem to "care" anymore if they win or lose.  Detractors point to how demonstrative he was on the sidelines his first few years, when you could hear him yelling "MOVE!" at players from the top row of Gill Coliseum as the gum flew out of his mouth.  This season, he did a lot more sitting on the bench watching.  I don't think it was a lack of caring, I think it was a genuine lack of not knowing what to do.  He'd implemented a system that put the onus on players to be able to stop the guy they were guarding one-on-one.  Similarly, the offense was based less on ball and player movement and more on guys being able to create their own shots.  So what do you tell guys to do...play better?  He basically put himself in a position where all he could say was "you guys have to work harder."  He's out of options.

Also out of options - Bob DeCarolis.  What's he to do?  Despite public perception that he's neglected basketball during his tenure, he's invested many resources in basketball.  That new practice facility was built at Robinson's behest that they needed it to compete.  Robinson smartly capitalized on the little success he'd had early on, and forced DeCarolis' hand as he extended his contract not once, but twice.  He's owed around $3 Million over the next few seasons.  Fire him, and you're essentially doubling the expense on a coach.  That's money the athletic department doesn't have, as they're still paying off improvements to Reser Stadium and that basketball practice facility.  Those shiny new facilities that Oregon State has don't come cheap.  Plans are already in the works to sink more money into both Reser and Goss Stadiums.  Attendance is plummeting for basketball, and football attendance isn't exactly skyrocketing.  Donations to the athletics department have plateaued despite the ever increasing expenses.  While the new media deal with ESPN/FOX and Pac-12 Network promised upwards of $20 Million a year, it isn't delivering near that yet, and it's not like all that is "new" money. 

So say they do fire him (or he leaves for the Princeton job that he may or may not be a candidate for) - who do you get?   I see a few different "types" of coaches out there:

• Established coaches at Mid-Majors with NCAA Tournament experience

Examples:  Mark Few, Shaka Smart
Fan Interest:  High.  Fans love these guys
Odds of Hiring:  Low - These guys are in super high demand by every major school that's under performing.  Many of those schools have deeper pockets, more fertile recruiting bases, and better facilities than Oregon State.  Only way they're coming to Oregon State is if they throw a ton of money at them.  Money they don't have.

• Retired Legends

Examples:  Bobby Knight, Larry Brown, Dick Bennett
Fan Interest:  High. Everyone loves a big name
Odds of Hiring:  Low.  They're super expensive (Larry Brown's ASSISTANT is reportedly getting almost $1 Million this year at SMU), and not likely to be interested in the long term success of the program.  They'll try and assemble a team as fast as possible, win early, then take a quick second retirement as the white knight of the program.  Either that, or it won't work because the game has passed them by and then you're stuck paying an enormous salary for a name that's not getting results and isn't really interested in changing anything because this is most likely his last job anyways.

• Cast-Offs from other Programs

Examples:  Ernie Kent, Larry Eustachy, Bobby Petrino
Fan Interest:  Medium.  Fans love that these guys win, but also realize they were fired from their old jobs for a reason (usually some sort of indiscretion.)
Odds of Hiring:  Medium.  Again, these guys usually are able to capitalize on name recognition and cost a pretty penny, though maybe not top dollar because they're "damaged goods."  I personally tend to think that these types of coaches would only come here to re-establish themselves as coaching elite and then look for a job with a commensurate level of esteem.  Not the best for the long term health of the program.

• Assistants at Successful Programs

Examples:  Josh Pastner, Jay John, Jimmy Anderson
Fan Interest:  Medium.  They love the association to greatness, even if they've never heard of the guy. 
Odds of Hiring:  High.  These coaches are typically hungry to make a name for themselves, and will come cheaper than someone with head coaching experience.  It's not the worst strategy, although it hasn't exactly worked for Oregon State in the past (see above examples).  You need to pick a guy from the right coaching tree.  For example, every single assistant coach on Bo Ryan's first staff at Wisconsin 9 years ago is coaching their own team in the NCAA Tournament this year.  Conversely, Lute Olsen's assistants have largely flopped. 

• Flash in the Pans

Examples: Andy Enfield, Craig Robinson, Eddie Payne
Fan Interest: Low/Medium. 
Odds of Hiring:  High.  These guys have seemingly come from nowhere, but had one or two good seasons at basketball outposts (Craig came from Brown, Payne from East Carolina).  Neither was an established success.  Both had forgettable runs (although Payne's teams were probably the most fun to watch in the post-Miller era at OSU).  They're easy to hire, because they want to "strike while the iron is hot" so to speak.  They're also probably the most risky, because you have nothing to judge them on.  Picking one of these guys is like putting $100 on Green 00 in blackjack because you just saw some guy just win $1 Million doing that.  They're relatively cheap.  Not a good bet in my opinion.

• Lower Division Successes

Examples:  Scott Rueck, Mike Dunlap, Mike Leaf, Bo Ryan
Fan Interest: Low.  They've never heard of the coach or the school he's at, so why should they care?
Odds of Hiring:  High.  Their current salaries are well below market value for a Pac-12 coach, plus most of them are hyper-competitive and want to be able to prove themselves at "the next level."   They've put in a decade perfecting their craft, and know how to SUSTAIN success at an institution. This is the best path available to Oregon State at this point.  They might not have experience recruiting high profile kids, but they know how to get the most out of the guys they have.  They know what kind of players work for them, and which ones don't.  I've always been a believer that recruiting doesn't need to be taught anyways.  It's all about relationships.  If you're a well-liked person, you'll do fine in recruiting.  Barack Obama and John McCain couldn't be more different in terms of political experience, but which guy won?  The "cool" guy who people liked and was a better public speaker.  Recruiting is all about perception...Craig Robinson got high profile kids to come to Oregon State, but once they were here, he couldn't lead them anywhere.  Chris Petersen at Boise had no chance bringing in guys getting offers from school like USC and Washington, but he took those guys he could get and he WON.  A LOT.  Same thing with Mark Few at Gonzaga.  And really, the same thing with Mike Riley.  He's got the same disadvantages (perceived or otherwise) as Craig Robinson and doesn't bring in anyone that even sniffs ESPN's top recruits....yet he wins consistently because he knows what he wants to do and what he's good at.  Then he goes out and finds kids that can do what he requires them to do. 

So there you go.  That's my quick recap of why Oregon State sucks, and what I think is the best way for them to get better.  In lieu of a coaching change, I'd urge Craig Robinson to look back at what he was able to do with a bunch of guys that went 0-18 in conference the year before and start teaching these guys the way he taught them.

Bachelor Finale: America Doesn't Care if You Love Someone or Not, YOU WILL SAY IT.

I can't say I'm sad that this season is over.  I've never had higher hopes for a Bachelor and been more disappointed.  He just turned out to be kind of a boring doof.  He was much more interesting when I knew nothing about him.  Chris Harrison has promised us a Bachelor Finale unlike anything we've ever seen before.  Unless someone is going to die tonight (besides America's collective soul that is) I don't believe him.  Gotta love the audience looking like some Romans ready to watch a couple gladiators meet their demise at the hands of a pack of bloodthirsty tigers.  Chris is teasing that, perhaps, Juan Pablo wasn't here for love.  I think we can just assume he picks nobody at this point, but let's let ABC try and boggle our minds.

We start with Juan Pablo in his salmon shorts hanging out with his family.  Juan tells his family that Clare is from Sacramento and that he's not telling them anything else.  Perhaps that's because there's nothing else to say?  "Clare is from Sacramento, her family is insane, and (earmuffs Camilla) we had sex in Vietnam," probably isn't the best intro.

Clare is so turned on by Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter.  I'm so creeped out by this.  Apparently Clare's entire family speaks Spanish, except for of course Clare.  Like Jason Derulo says in that song "her booty don't need explaining." She's too pretty to learn another language.  She definitely seems like she doesn't fit in at the dinner table with his family.  She's kind of off in the corner just hanging out watching him interact with his family.

Next, Clare gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo's mama, who tells her he's hyperactive and rude.  Apparently mom's not his biggest cheerleader.  Clare is unfazed...rather she seems relieved that his mom thinks he's a dick too.  Next up is Juan Pablo's cousin, who straight up asks if she's in love and then follows up with "Juan Pablo likes to cut and run, are you going to hang in there if he's ready to throw in the towel?"  Juan Pablo's family is doing a great job of trying to scare her off, but then Papa Pablo gets in there and starts smooth talking her, to the point that she gives him little "besitos."  I think we see where Juan Pablo gets it.

The fact that this is a two hour show, and fifteen minutes in Clare's date is over makes me nervous.  How many segments of fans saying what they think is going to happen, and how much "expert" commentary are we going to get from girls Juan Pablo dumped and of course Sean, who would never turn down an opportunity to peddle his "aw shucks" schtick are we going to have to sit through?

Juan Pablo's excited because he hasn't seen Nikki in "a couple days."  There is definitely some confusion amongst Juan Pablo and his family as to what state Kansas City is in.  I'll give them a pass, because it would seem pretty stupid to someone from another country that there is a Kansas City that isn't in the state of Kansas.  I'll actually give Nikki some credit for not being a geography snob and explaining the situation, or maybe I should give ABC credit for cutting that out.  Either way, I'm glad we didn't sit through that.

Papa Pablo isn't being as smooth with Nikki as he was with Clare.  He goes straight into a "Juan Pablo is a selfish dude.  Good luck with that" routine.  Next up is Mama Pablo, who is much nicer and friendly with Nikki than she was with Clare.  I'm picturing Juan Pablo's parents in their hotel room flipping a coin to see who gets to be the "bad cop" with the girls.  Juan Pablo's cousin again goes into the "Juan Pablo might take off, can you handle that?" What is it with this guy?  Did Juan Pablo send him out to be the bad guy, plant the seed and force an argument between him and the girls later that gives him an excuse to walk away?  Nikki's response is "a relationship without fights has no passion" which is bullshit.  I'll never buy into the "love hurts" philosophy, or that "you don't care if you don't fight."  It's more of an individual personality thing.  Some people like to fight.  Some people don't.  Doesn't mean either way is right or wrong, or that one style works better than another.  There's my little monologue for the night.

Moving on, we get to listen to the crowd.  Chris Harrison picks out some people to talk to.  The first lady is terrified for the girls, concerned about the family warning the girls off.  He then finds a guy brave enough to admit that he's "Team Nikki" before awkwardly answering a question about his wife.  I'll bet their they're passionate, and yet his wife didn't fly off the handle about him admitting he was "Team Nikki."

Next we get the alumni view of the show.  Kelly is concerned that girls aren't concerned enough, Catherine says that she "likes Juan Pablo as a person" which is stupid because he is a person.  Does this mean she hates him as a dog?  I know I hate those dogs that pretend to be people.  There's our first filler segment that I hated.

Commercial comment - How far has Diddy fallen that he has to have someone else's song be the soundtrack to his own commercial?  C'mon man.

Time for more Clare time - in a helicopter!  ABC almost broke a streak there I think.  Juan Pablo has nothing but good things to say about Clare, but Clare is super pissed off about something Juan Pablo says.  This sounds exactly like what happened with Andi.  Well maybe not.  Apparently Juan Pablo said something perverted to her, and now Clare's ready to bail.  So much for that conversation she had with JP's cousin about hang in in there through the good times and bad.  This is a classic breakup technique - overreact to something minor (I'm assuming it's minor, because unless he said "it's a good thing you're pretty, because I'd never be with you otherwise" how could one comment joking or not derail this so fast) - so that you don't have to explain the real reason you want to break it off.  I've done it before, and I've had it happen to me before.

Clare isn't ready to let it go - she wants Juan Pablo to talk it out.  She says "you made a comment about something we did in private" and how he didn't know know her at all.  Juan Pablo sticks to his guns and refuses to apologize.  Clare apparently thinks that he's only interested in their physical relationship.  Juan Pablo says "I don't need the physical anymore from you."  I want to chalk this up to a language/cultural misunderstanding, but the fact that he's saying "I don't need to touch you anymore five seconds after begging her for some besitos seems disingenuous at best.  Pretty much it sounds like "if you're going to give me an easy way out of this relationship, I'm going to take it, because Nikki has got her life way more together than you do."

Clare doesn't understand why he has doubts.  Let me remind her that she hasn't admitted to him that she loves him yet either.  She keeps reiterating that she is falling in love with her.  They have some sort of conversation about kissing....where Juan Pablo seems to feel he has the upper hand because she "broke the kissing rule."  Neither of them seem to be getting the desired result out of this conversation.  Clare's done with the kissing...she wants serious conversations.  Juan Pablo, who seems to be oblivious to Clare's needs at the moment, says he's going to "move in a little closer."  Clare's still not giving in, so he resorts to a completely new tactic - complete submission.  "I'll put a baby - twins! - in you in 14 months and I'll move to Sacramento!!!"  Clare needs to get some legal advice from Andi, because she clearly doesn't understand that a confession made under duress is not admissible in court.  Juan Pablo then resorts to playing the song that big hairy dude sang to them in the fake snow in LA, which makes Clare all wobbly in the knees and now it's time to make out.  BESITOS FOR EVERYONE!!!

Incredibly, Clare still admits that she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her as much, but she's convinced enough to want to marry the guy.  Back in the arena of the fans, everyone is pissed at Clare for giving in.  C'mon people, what have you seen from her that makes you think she wouldn't fold?

Harrison teases Nikki's date as "a date with the man she THINKS she's in love with."  This can't be good.

Nikki's looking for a little confirmation of his feelings for her.  Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.....You know you're not going to get what you want here.  Juan Pablo does that thing where he asks her what her concerns are, and she says "you seem kind of guarded and you don't really open up."  Juan Pablo says "nope, that's all in your head," or at least that's what his dismissive response implies.  Nikki seems pretty concerned, but not concerned enough to press the issue.  Nikki asks him what he's going to do when he doesn't have a private island anymore.  His answer - "I'll be watching TV in my bed or in my office...probably alone."  OUCH.  At this point I think Juan Pablo is playing a game with all of America - he's trying to singlehandedly destroy the what's left of the fantasy that the Bachelor Franchise peddles.  He's out to prove that whomever the bachelor is just has to be attractive and have a pulse to get these ladies to say yes to whatever he asks.  He wants to show America these girls will accept a proposal from a completely perverted dolt who gives them no positive reinforcement.

Juan Pablo continues to ignore or not pick up on any of the signs that Nikki is putting out there.  She says she's nervous, and rather than put her at ease, he says "I'm nervous too."  She gives him a card telling her how much she loves him, and he says "thank you."  Then, without another word, he kisses her forehead and says "I'll see you tomorrow."  Maybe Juan Pablo thinks he's keeping all of America on the hook by stonewalling both girls so that we have no idea what he's really thinking.  Or maybe he's a moron.  Nikki is left in tears.  Back in the live audience arena, people are not happy.  Their reaction:

Let's finish this off, ok?  Claire finds the largest earrings her ears can support, Nikki's words of excitement definitely don't match the look on her face, and Juan Pablo stares at the ring he got from Neil Lane.  Apparently that conversation didn't go well either, because they cut Neil's face time, which I thought was mandated by their advertising agreement.

Time for one of the ladies to get off the boat, but who is it?  Clare!  Going first usually means you're getting dumped.  The lack of music is kind of making this dramatic.  Now the music is back, and Claire's talking about how she hasn't been in love since before her dad died, and we're back on track with a typical final ceremony.  Clare can barely contain her nerves.  Juan Pablo tells her...well you know what he tells her... and then of course he makes her bare her soul and tell her how awesome he is and how much she believes in him.  Kind of sweet.  He says she's unbelievable and amazing...and he's dumping her.  He goes in for the goodbye hug, and she stops him dead in his tracks and the crowd goes wild.

Time for Clare to start rolling - she's pissed.  She goes off on him, telling him that he could've told her he didn't care for her at any point, which is completely untrue because he has to keep two people to the end because otherwise there wouldn't be a show.  She then gets nasty, telling him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and when he tries to tell her the moment he made his decision, she walks away.  Juan Pablo, in what may be the single greatest moment in the history of this show, casually quips "Glad I didn't pick her!" Unreal...such a petty, bitter statement.  This guy is a world class A-hole.  This guy better hope and pray that Nikki says yes, because I think he might find dating anyone with even a modicum of self respect to be a tough proposition.

I'm imagining Juan Pablo dating some girl who doesn't know he was on the show and thinking he's golden.  Then she googles his name and he's dead meat.  Poor Camilla.  I hope her mom is a steady presence in her life, because this is just a mess.  How can you go on this show when you have a kid?  It's incredibly selfish in my opinion.  You're towing your kid along for one of the most ridiculous rides ever.

I almost forgot we're not done yet.  Nikki gets her time to talk about how much she wants to marry him, and to thank him for being so amazing.  I can't wait to hear her reaction to watching the Clare situation.  But first she says she loves him.  True to form, he tells her he loves "so many things about her."  He's going to let her twist 'til the final second.  Actually he's going to make her twist a little longer than that - he's not proposing.  Not only that, he tells her that HE HAS A RING IN HIS POCKET that he's not going to use.  Way to dangle the carrot in front of her a little longer, Juan Pablo.  If they're still together on the after the final rose I'll be shocked.  Actually, I'm shocked that he didn't show it to her and say "if you play your cards right, Toots, you might see this on your finger, so start putting out and stop asking me about my feelings.  BESITOS NOW, BITCH!"  This guy.....

After the final rose time - and Clare's up first.  She's still mad that she said "tell me if you have any doubts, because if you do I'll leave" and he didn't send her home.  She still seems oblivious to the fact that the show rules all.  Harrison presses her to say what it was he said on the helicopter, and she says "it's not something I care to repeat."  My wife thinks it's because she's going to sell an exclusive story to a tabloid.  Maybe the FCC said "you can't say that on TV!!" although I doubt it, because I watch a lot of shows with censor bars and bleeps.  Maybe it really wasn't that bad, and she realizes that keeping it a secret allows people's minds to run wild.

Claire goes on to say that this was the first time in her life that she was able to stand up to a man like she's some sort of beacon of truth that women can look up to.  Nevermind the fact that she didn't stand up to him until AFTER SHE HAD BEEN DUMPED.  This is why Andi is the next Bachelorette and you aren't....she stood up to him before he had a chance to dismiss her.

Next up is Juan Pablo, who comes out to the most pitiful pity-applause in the history of the show.  He makes sure to get out that he's emotional because of the conflict in Venezuela, which is a nice gesture but also acts as a good way to shield himself from the harshness of the crowd.  Juan Pablo makes a good point in that they take over 600 hours of film and compress it into less than 20 hours, but it's too little too late.  Juan Pablo keeps up the "I'm honest and people are going to get hurt sometimes" routine, and then he says to Chris "so what did Clare say about me?"  Incredible.  This guy is amazing.  He's trolling for information about his ex on live television.

Nikki's up next, and she right of the bat confirms that they're very happy and that she's very much in love, and yet Juan Pablo still hasn't told her he loves her.  She says "it's in his actions - I know he cares about me.  He wouldn't be here if he didn't care about me."  These are the words of a desperate woman.  It's like she's got Stockholm Syndrome or something.

This is officially the most awkward and uncomfortable hour in this show's history.  Even the people who paid to get into the audience don't want to be there anymore.  The big surprise that Chris Harrison has been teasing all night?  It's that Juan Pablo and Nikki are together and happy.  #EPICFAIL.  Juan Pablo just trolled the entire nation for two and a half months.  Chris is demanding Juan Pablo tell America that he loves Nikki.  Juan Pablo says he's not going to say it, and the crowd moans its disapproval.  I'll agree with him on this - the first time he says that he loves her should be to her, not to Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo is now talking about people on message boards saying mean things and this somehow ties into him not saying "I love you."  Sensing his moment to shine, Sean says that "everyone is different and does things differently, but I know that I couldn't wait to tell Catherine I loved her."  The crowd roars its approval, and Juan Pablo is now vilified for not telling Nikki he loves her when he doesn't.  Juan Pablo isn't giving in.  Nikki says the only intelligent thing on this entire hour of television, saying "a lot of people have come up here and said they were in love when it was apparent they weren't."  The audience and the Chris Harrison are out for blood.  They want Juan Pablo to make his grand announcement of love and propose to Nikki on the spot.  Instead, we're left with a pretty complicated scenario that plays out more like "real" relationships do off screen.  Chris Harrison is so pissed, he exits the hot seat arena during the commercial rather than sit around an chat.  Back from commercial, Chris Harrison says "We're back - Nikki is in love, Juan Pablo is in love but won't say it."  Holy crap man, stop badgering the witness.  If he says "I'm not in love with her" you hammer him, and if he says nothing, he's admitting by omission that Chris is right that he's in love and not saying it.

Juan Pablo wants to keep things private.  Sean butts in and says "it's not private after the show." Which is a bit misleading because he went on Dancing with the Stars and had his wedding on national television, and shows up every time the show calls him.  There's plenty of Bachelor alums that are pretty anonymous (anyone know what Tierra is up to today?  What about Courtney Robertson?) by choice.  I have no doubt that if Juan Pablo and Nikki can weather the next six months or so, people will lose interest and move on.  They'll only be in the news if they want to be in the news.

Now we get the worst kept secret in world - Andi is the Bachelorette.  We get to see a nice puff piece of her walking through Atlanta's rougher neighborhoods taking pictures of graffiti with her iPhone and saying things like "I mean, that's just like 'Welcome to the Gang."  I don't like her, but she's not afraid to say what she's thinking, so her season should much different from this season.

Perhaps the perfect way to end this terrible season is this exchange between Chris and Andi:

Chris:  What happens if on the final day you say "I love you, I love you, I love you," and the guy you pick says "I like you a lot?"

Andi:  I'll say "where's the other guy?  Can I have a do-over?"

That's what this show wants.  They want to see two people say they love each other, even if it's not true at all.

Bachelor Women Tell All: Bitches Unite!

Ok, so tonight's the night that everyone goes from pretending Juan Pablo is the greatest man to ever grace the planet to pretending that he's the most self centered, arrogant, soulless d-bag ever to put on pants.  Let's just all agree that the only reason he's on TV is because he has a body most men couldn't get if they lived in a gym and speaks adorably broken English.  OK?  Moving on....

I see one guy in the crowd!  It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap.  OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago.  Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....

Oh no.....

no.....

nonononononononono

Not Catherine and Sean.  Let's talk about them having sex.  Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long!  Hahahahaha.  Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon.  Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon.  Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S.  How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy.  Let's just all pretend that never happened.

Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets.  Let's pretend this never happened either.  I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.

Ok, now it's finally time to start the show.  Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close.  We've got quite a few people we barely remember.  Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is.  This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down.  He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.

Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli.  "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra."  "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus?  Your arguments are invalid Kelly.

A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show.  Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things?  Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler.  The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals.  Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.

Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean.  Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming.  Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this.  That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo.  Incredible.

Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain.  We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember.  They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.

Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis.  It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions.  Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street."  Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down.  Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.

Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not."  Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird."  The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect.  Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.

There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.)  Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo.  My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away?  Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away.  For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot.  Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.

Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite.  She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity.  To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?"  I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.

The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again.  She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be.  So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this.  Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation?  Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space.  At least I hope everyone does that.  Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.

Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!"  With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.

Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd.  He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room.  I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America.  We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case.  We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.

Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people.  Juan Pablo points out that leaving  a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)

In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue.  I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality.  Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now.  Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers.  Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done.  Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them.  We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.

And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other  Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!!  It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest.  His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready."  Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?

Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations.  Glad this season's going to be over soon.  I can't take all the angst.  I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.