Bachelorette: Week One - Good Luck, Des!

Welcome back everyone!  Des wastes no time in delivering our first overblown statement by saying "this is the ultimate risk" which I think is offensive to Indy Car Drivers, Base Jumpers, and pretty much anyone who has ever served in a combat scenario (had to work in a shout out to the armed forces on Memorial Day.  Respect.)  Let's follow Desiree's lead and get right to it, shall we?

First we get to recap how amazing her relationship was with Sean right up until he chose no less than THREE women over him her.  Chris gives her a tour of the Bachelorette Castle, which is on top of a mountain overlooking the entire world pretty much.  It's the kind of place that you'd expect some Eastern spiritual leader to live.  So Desiree is like a Tibetan monk, only the exact opposite.  She further illustrates the dichotomy between her Zen dwelling and everything else, by rollerblading in a bikini and touring Los Angeles in a Bentley.  Did other bachelor/ette's get their own personal convertible Bentley that matches their jewelry?  What makes her so special?  I really liked Des on the Bachelor, and my opinion of her is already changing.  Quick, bring out the guys so she can look better in my eyes by comparison!

Chris and Des have a little chat before the guys show up, and Chris is quick to plug the Bentley again, just in case we forgot.  Des then gets in about sixty-seven Disney references, amongst them "fairy-tale" "Cinderella" and "Prince Charming."  Des is ready to bring on the men.  She's looking forward to weeding out the men from the boys because "she wants a man."  She seems almost over-eager.  Whomever garners that first impression rose better have brought an extra pair of BVD's, because Des may rip the underpants right off  of that guy.

I love that she's crying just thinking about the possibility of falling in love with one of these 25 guys.  Yikes.  I'm not digging her high levels of emotion right now.  She reiterates that this is her "fairy tale."  Desiree's fairy tale involves making out with approximately a dozen men over a one month period.  Got it.  I thought the guys would be out two paragraphs ago...c'mon ABC let's get this show going!

Here we go....our first guy is from Montana, and his name is Bryden.  He's a military guy, and shoots big guns.  Is that sexy?  It's terrifying to me.  I love the guns and camo image they give him.  He's a man's man.  He even has a manly dog - a German Shepard.  Oh wait...the dog has a pink bow tied around its neck.  Nevermind.  Maybe the next guy is more of a man.

Nope.  He does Bikram yoga.  He giggles as he says "not a lot of black guys do yoga."  Really?  I hope a black guy kicks your butt for saying that.  I'm assuming he's talking about a metaphorical black man, because his blackness may be only skin deep.

There's a guy that does magic, another guy that loves his dog, a dental student.  He claims he's a renaissance man because he's been in the military and dental school.  So he's done two things...congrats bud.  Turns out he's also from England, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.  The next guy is a real Derek Downer, immedately going into his sob story about his dad leaving and his mom struggling with addiction.  He's ready to be in love with Desiree.  He hasn't even met her yet....but he's fully prepared to fall in love with her.  I guess this is similar to me in high school being fully prepared to fall in love with Lila McCann knowing only that she sang kick-ass songs about blackbirds, but I'd like to think I grew out of that stage by my early 20's.

Des is getting delivered to the mansion in a limo.  Where's the Bentley?  Actually, with the amount of booze that's about to be consumed at this social mixer, probably a good idea to leave the keys with Chris Harrison.  Time for some awkward introductions!

Drew and Brooks both kind of awkwardly work through their intros...nothing too special.  Brad shows that he watches the show, and references something she did on the Bachelor and breaks out a wishbone.  First prop is a decent one...not too over the top, but still fairly lame.  Michael the federal prosecutor tries to take it to the next level and crawls around in the fountain looking for her penny.  He's unsuccessful, much like that attempt to be cute.  Hashy Hashtaggerson steps out and hashtags her #perfectmarriagematerial.  I think I'll hashtag him #dontgetcomfortable and #lookingforwardtoyourexitinterview.  Will, the black yoga man, decides that Desiree isn't a good enough name to call her, and announces that he's going to refer to her as Athena.  I think it was supposed to be a nickname, but it came off bad.  The next guy rolls up with a note inviting her to a fantasy suite.  I was kinda digging the letter as funny until he went all fantasy suite on her.  She says she's "not that kind of girl" to which he looks....disappointed?  Not a good debut.

Shirtless guy gets out with a confused look on his face.  It was good, but then he immediately references Sean and asks her to rate his abs more or less.  Eh.  He's going to be received about as well as Kalon was when he showed up in a helicopter.  Creepy ER doctor tries to dance with her, but it doesn't go well at all.  Magic man, goes for a paper rose into a real rose.  Actually goes off better than expected.  One of the Zacks shows up wearing Chuck Taylor's with his suit, trying to show off his individuality.  In other words, he tried to show his individuality in the same way every guy wearing a suit tries to show individuality.  I'm classy AND casual!  At least he's dressed better than Diogo.

Poor, poor Diogo.  He goes for the literal "knight in shining armor" look, showing up in a full silver suit of metal.  Unfortunately, I don't think he enlisted ABC's help in getting a custom fit, because he looks like he took a dump in his aluminum pants.  He also looks a little in over his head.  We get the graphic that he's a ski resort manager, which explains a lot.  I worked at a ski resort in Colorado for a few summers, and it's such a unique, strange culture up there in the Rockies, it's not surprising that he doesn't fit in to his armor or social situations that don't involve chairlifts and fresh powder.

Chris the mortgage broker gets down on one knee and asks if he can tie his shoe.  Ugh.  Des lets him walk away before going stonefaced and deadpans "funny."  Chris will be back to denying people loans in no time.

Juan Pablo the Venezuelan soccer player is my all-time favorite.  I'm pretty sure he thinks his accent and his looks are going to get him an express ticket to the fantasy suite.  They have this conversation:

"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

They connect so well!

Brandon shows up on a bike motorcycle, and while it's a bold move, he actually pulls it off.  He might get my first impression rose....in a completely platonic way.  Some guy shows up in a ridiculous suit with the words "designed by this guy" on it.  Pass, Des.  Please pass.

We get our first dad on the show...and he brought his son with him.  I liked the move.  Get it out there right away, show who you are and what you're about right off the bat.  Des likes it too.  When the kid says "I wish I got to go to the party" it immediately reminded me of my own son, whose first question when he hears someone is getting married is "will there be dancing at the wedding?"  Chris Harrison then comes in and says "wow, these guys are pulling out all the stops for you Des!"  A kid is not "a stop" Chris.  Sheesh.  Let's get to the drinking and awkward conversations!  Who is this season's 50 Shades of Grey girl?

Hashtag guy says #iwantarose.  I say #everyonehateshim.  Using a hashtag in verbal speech can be funny when used sparingly.  But if it's you're "thing" you're going to piss a lot of people off.  Unfortunately it looks like it is most definitely his "thing."

Magic-man commandeers the room and acts like he's going to pull another magic trick, but in reality he's going to make Des "disappear" for five minutes.  This elicits groans from the crowd, but probably was a better move than making someone's card magically appear in their breast pocket.  My rule of thumb with Magic is that if you aren't on David Blaine's level, don't do magic.  It's just not that impressive.

The traditional "I'm just going to steal her for a second" ritual is going on, and the desperation is palpable.  The Daddy guy (I promise I'll learn their names by next week) pulls her aside to talk about his son, and how he's all about family.  Des asks the logical question: "Were you married?"  He says "no, it was more of a 'two friends have a kid together' situation, and she's my best friend.  He's got a great mom."  I'm not sure that you want to start off you first conversation with a girl you're hoping to marry with "I'm still super tight with my kid's mom," but Des likes his honesty and apparently loves a challenge, because he gets the first rose.

Once the rose seal is broken, stuff gets REAL.  All of sudden all the guys are gripping.  I don't think I have the correct words to illustrate how hilarious it is to see a guy without a shirt talk about how important it is to show Desiree how "serious" he is about the process.  He should've seriously considered putting his shirt back on then.  This brings me to a new segment in the blog I'd like to call:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for Bachelor/ette Contestants
It's important to make a positive first impression when you get out of the limo.  Back when I took Comm 111 at OSU in the spring of 1998, we had to give a speech about ourselves.  They told us to start with an attention grabber, something that will make people pay attention and remember you.  However, you can't let that thing define you.  My roommate panicked before his speech and decided to grab people's attention by kicking an empty two liter bottle around the room.  For the rest of the term, he was the bottle kicker.  If you show up without a shirt, then the rest of the night, you're the shirtless guy.  Don't be the shirtless guy.

Shirtless guy is already committed, so he loses the pants too and jumps into the pool.  Now he's the guy in the pool.  Hashtag guy shouts out #shrinkage, overplaying his hand yet again.  Neither of these guys stand a chance.  Des gives shirtless guy a rose anyways, which seems like more of a consolation prize so he doesn't feel like a complete moron more than anything else.

Juan Pablo proves that you can get away with pretty much anything if you speak with an accent and play a professional sport. Des calls him a dream of a man.  I'm going to repost their initial conversation just so you understand why average looking guys with average athletic talent have to resort to eHarmony.com and other dating websites to find a wife these days:


"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

Dream. Of. A. Man.

So he takes her out front to play soccer with her, and of course all the other guys want to join in.  Somehow shirtless guy ends up on the ground.  Of course he does.  He gets maybe two more weeks tops.

I'm actually pretty surprised that nobody's gotten so drunk that they have to be excused prior to the rose ceremony.  Drew may be the most awkward bachelor contestant ever.  He's the kind of guy who would giggle uncontrollably if someone mentioned the word "boobies."  He gets a rose for being nervous.  Pity roses always go first.

Larry the ER doctor is definitely no Dr. Doug Ross.  He's awful.  He does show a little self awareness by telling the other guys, he'd definitely be going home first if it wasn't for Fantasy Suite Guy.  Fantasy Suite Guy, meanwhile, has been doing pushups and talking about how he's going to kiss her "on the mouth."  He then completely disregards Andy's advice and brings up the fantasy suite again.  I'm not sure what's about to happen, but he's definitely the drunk one now.  Did he really just say something about his mom and his "love tank" in the same sentence?  I'm completely terrified for what's about to happen to Des.  Kasey the Hashtagger says he wonders if he's going to have to save her....#fantasysuitefail.  Kasey is awful.  Des, however, doesn't need #help, as she calmly and commandingly dismisses Fantasy Suite Guy.

Time for the ceremony....Motorcycle Brandon gets a rose - so my initial favorite is still in the running.  Chuck Taylor Zach gets a rose, as does Black Yoga Will.  Brooks (is he two people?  Why is he not just Brook?  Are there other names that end in s?  I need to do some research on this.)  Juan Pablo, Brad, #Kasey, James, Robert, Brian (I need to pay more attention because I know nothing about these guys), Dan, Chris (I still got nothing), get roses, and now there's only one left.  Another random dude gets the rose.  The magician's assistant, Dr. Not George Clooney, the Renaissance Man, Diogo the Knight in Poopy Armor, and Patches the Bad Suit Guy are left out in the cold.  Can't say I'm surprised by any of those dismissals.  ER guy is the first to leave, and sadly, I think he was much more calm and reserved once he came to grips with the fact that he had bombed spectacularly.  I actually felt bad for him when he left, because I think he was probably a better guy than he showed tonight.

Previews for the next seasons show a lot of conflict between the dudes, a girlfriend who looks like she's about 10-15 years older than anyone on the show, and James is established as the "guy who is only on the show to become the next Bachelor."  He's this season's Tierra - the person the other contestants decide to collectively hate with a passion.  There's also a very brief clip of someone getting full on punched in the face - something that looks straight out of a movie or something.  The first ten times I saw it, I thought "you know, it's surprising that there's never been an actual brawl on any season before.  Now I'm starting to think it's some sort of staged event, like they're filming a movie on one of the group dates or something.  ABC has turned me into the ultimate skeptic - I question everything now.

Not Everything Needs to be Efficient

Yesterday at work I had the job of editing a letter that was going out to some of our donors.  While editing this letter, I thought something looked strange.  After a few reads of the letter, I realized that there was only one space after every period.  So I took the extra time to add an extra space and sent the letter off for signatures and to be sent out.  Thought that was the end of it.

Later on in the break room, I was chatting with a couple of the other administrative assistants, and made some comment about having to add a space after every period to a letter.  One of the other admins said "oh, well just be lucky you weren't dealing with a two-spacer."  A "two-spacer?"  I was dumbfounded.  Aren't we all "two-spacers?"  It's not even something I think about.  I remember taking keyboarding in high school.  Heck, I even took part in a district typing competition through FBLA - as if the ability to type fast somehow helps you become a future business leader.  In fact, I'd say the faster you type, the more likely that your job probably entails typing something for someone who makes two to three times as much as you make as they sit behind their desk with their feet up tossing a football in the air while they dictate to you on speakerphone.  But I'm getting off subject.  The point is, there's no way I would've finished second in that competition if I'd been a single spacer.  Those were counted as errors back then. 

A quick Google search however shows that I'm probably wrong.  In fact, some articles (like this incredibly snarky one) mock two-spacers as if we're morons.  This is like calling people 500 years ago stupid for believing the world was flat.  That's what they'd been taught.  You could make the same case for the remnants of racism in the South or cockfighting in the Caribbean or a multitude of other things that people find "wrong" but are simply learned behaviors passed down from generation to generation, sometimes for hundreds of years.  With the benefit of decades of hindsight, it's easy to look back at these things and say "my goodness, people were BARBARIANS." 

I don't mean to compare slavery to typing an extra space after a period... obviously one is abhorrent behavior, while the other is merely a matter of aesthetics.  Even though the past 24 hours have enlightened me to the differences between monospaced fonts and proportional fonts, I still prefer the look of the double space.  It's what I'm used to.  I don't see the extra space as "acres of empty space on a page" as some of these articles suggest.

Perhaps the most absurd argument of the single-spacers is this crazy notion that it's "inefficient" to use that extra space.  How much time do you save by omitting the double-tap of the spacebar?  maybe two-hundredths of a second?  Maybe less?  Good on you saving a second every forty sentences you type.  After typing a whole college term paper, you've saved yourself roughly enough time to take an extra sip of your Red Bull.  This is even more annoying than the people who pass me for going the speed limit on Highway 20 between Corvallis and Albany.  You realize there's three stop lights coming up that I'm going to make up the 22 seconds you saved by going 62 instead of 55 right? 

I surveyed my wife about this, she was flabbergasted that one-spacing was even a thing.  "What's next, are we going to start accepting people writing in text-message language as acceptable business practices because it's more efficient?" she bellowed.  I think she might've been more upset about this revelation than I was.  But we were both in agreement - not everything has to be about efficiency.

I'm always blown away at the number of misspellings and omitted words people send off in professional emails and letters.  I know that I've been guilty of this, and every time I'm ashamed of myself for not taking the time to proofread or just flat out pay attention to what I'm writing.  Yet we live in a society where things keep getting faster and smaller.  Attention spans are shrinking at the same rate cell phones have over the past two decades (though with the rise of people using their phones as portable home theaters, the size of phones is starting to trend the other way.  Before too long those belt clips are going to be replaced by shoulder straps so you can wear your phone as a backpack - because you're going to need that 22" screen to watch an episode of Downton Abbey on your lunch break or sneak in a game or two of Candy Crush while on the toilet.)  Think about how many times someone has screwed up your fast food order because they were trying to get your Whopper Jr. to you in under a minute - Wouldn't you gladly wait an extra 25 seconds to ensure that they left off the ketchup and added the extra pickles you requested?  Nothing's worse than getting super excited because that fast food bag is hanging out of the window as you drive up, only to get home and realize you're going to be scraping mustard off your bun and no matter how hard you scrape, your mouth is still going to be raped by that awful taste. 

So where do all of you fall on this debate?  Were you taught the spacebar double-tap as I was?  Have you converted to single spacing?  Is this something our kids will wrinkle their noses at and say "They seriously taught you THAT?"