Welcome back for round two! Who's ready to see Egg Boy tote that thing around in a Baby Bjorn on a group date? Just me? OK then, let's get to it!
We start with a montage of teasers, including Emily saying "The man I'm supposed to be with is in this room." Remember, this is the THIRD man she's supposed to be with, and while that's not exactly her fault, it is worth noting.
Emily meets some local women at the park who are more that willing to take Ricki to soccer practice if it means that they get a few seconds on TV. I also like the voiceover from the newscast that says "Dozens of men" will be competing for Emily, which makes it sound like there's 96 men parading around Charlotte with the goal of getting into Emily's pants. This actually may be true......
Chris greets the dudes and Ryan gets the first solo date. Multiple people told me this week that Ryan has "stupid" hair, but it just looks like it's purposefully messy to me. Kalon's not pleased, but then again he's a douche, so who cares? Cut to twenty dudes in board shorts awkwardly hanging around a pool pretending to like each other. Ryan dressed up for the date in a tight v-neck t-shirt. Classy. Emily says the only thing she knows about Ryan is that he's good looking, but then again so was Brad.....apparently it's a bad thing to be attractive.
Emily's date is to bake cookies for Ricki's soccer practice. I remember this from her stint on Brad's season...she likes to make the dude feel like parenting is the biggest bummer in the world. You don't get to have fun ever, you just have to do everything for your kid at all times. Ryan says "this is exactly like real life, isn't it?" Yes, Ryan, yes it is. You have to cook and stuff in real life. Emily then takes the cookies to soccer practice, but then basically tells Ryan he's not worthy to meet the daughter yet (probably a good move) and then leaves him in the car like a basset hound while she makes the kids think she cooked all by herself. She then thanks Ryan for being "cool" and tells him he's got to watch kids at Chuck E Cheese. Ryan tries to play it cool, but you know he's pissed. Emily then awkwardly says "I'm kidding." She cannot sell a joke.
Time for dinner! Ryan opts for the suit with no tie...the "cool guy" look I guess....while Emily goes with the one sleeve dress, which always reminds me of those under armor shirts that basketball dudes wear to keep their shooting arm warm, yet also show off their biceps on the other side. I think both looks are stupid. They show up at the restaurant, and it looks like a bunch of people showed up to yell "MOVE THAT BUS"...oh wait...wrong show. Emily says that "when something happens in Charlotte, everyone shows up." This is not true, have you seen attendance figures at Bobcats games? Yeesh. People show up in Charlotte when ABC either pays them to, or markets the hell out of the fact that you can maybe see yourself on a nationally televised broadcast.
Ryan is an extremely confident guy in his speech, but he doesn't do a whole lot of looking her in the eyes while he's giving his answers. It's strange. Emily says "I want some guy to come in and be the boss...but obviously I'd be in charge." Ryan astutely answers "a smart man would understand that." It's a good date, but I'm not sensing the real chemistry here. Ryan goes for the "You look amazing, but you looked even hotter in the kitchen" line. It's a strange remark in that it could be taken as slightly chauvinistic in a "I'd like you better if you were cooking me a sandwich" kind of way, but she seems to like it. Also, she did look pretty good in that dress, so he's full of crap. He gets the rose, and then they go into some weird Southern conversation that involves a lot of "Shoooooot girrrlll, C'mon with it then!" and "Honey if you want a chase, Imma run like you wouldn't believe!" comments. Where did that come from? Then it's time to dance in the middle of a bunch of strangers with iPhones. What a horrible first date scenario. Ryan pulls it off well though.
Group date time! No egg in sight...boo! They're at a performing arts studio....and the Muppets are involved! Tony is so excited to see Piggy and Kermit that he cusses on national television, then goes into a pretty good Kermit impression. The dudes split up into groups, some are singing, some are dancing, and some are doing stand up comedy. Massive Head Wound Charlie is terrified. So terrified in fact that he has to go talk to Emily about it. Emily understands, and then says "I'll be honest, I wouldn't even know you had a disability." Charlie responds by saying "well yeah, I'm totally confident, but I also have a lot of insecurities." Translation: I may look confident, but I really don't have any." He gets lumped into the singing group.
Back from commercial, and we get a mildly amusing "Kermit is flirting with Emily, and Piggy is PISSED." Time to start the music and light the lights. Let's get things started on the Muppet/Bachelorette Show tonight. Emily stands still and shakes her hips, but that doesn't stop Stevie from talking about how great the energy is she's giving off. Also, Stevie wears some really awful hats. If Kalon wasn't on the show, he'd be a shoe-in for biggest douche on the show. Then we get some truly awful stand up comedy, and Jef getting to act like he's too cool to propose to Miss Piggy, but knowing Emily was there gave him the strength to get through it. Awful. More awful? ABC making Charlie get up on stage and talk by himself after he said how nervous he was to do it. Fortunately, Emily was there to help him through it, and he gives perhaps the most generic impersonal response ever. Of course, everyone is thrilled that he was able to get through it. Emily makes a comment that she feels "like a proud mama" because Charlie got through that. I'd say this is not a good sign for Charlie's chances. Maybe he can play on Ricki's soccer team later.
Time for Emily sing with Kermit! Emily says "she knows someone else who wants to sing with them...her daughter Ricki!" Apparently, nobody told Ricki that she was excited to sing, because she spent the whole time clinging to mommy and staring at Kermit like he was an alien. Pretty normal reaction for a six year old actually.
Time for the after party. Guess what? Everyone thinks Emily either looks "beautiful," "amazing," "stunning," and/or "gorgeous." Chris gets the first one-on-one time, and in a strange twist, Emily thinks Chris is "gorgeous." Wasn't expecting that....not the least bit because Chris is no George Clooney. Jef, still trying to play up his aloof persona, gets called out by Emily. He's smart enough to recognize that he might've overplayed it, and comes back with a "I feel nervous around you too!" What Emily sees in this dude is still beyond me.
Stevie is slow dancing with Emily, and for whatever reason, Charlie thinks it's "hilarious" and runs to tell his bro's that they gotta check it out. Nobody seems to be as interested as Chuck was, but they go along anyways. Kalon tries to play the "I'm above this, I don't want to hang out with them, I want to hang out with Emily." Kalon gets his time with Emily, but gets interrupted by Aaron. Kalon kinda says "I understand, but give me two more minutes and she's all yours." Entirely reasonable request, but Aaron is trying to establish Alpha dog status and says "I don't have two minutes." Um, yeah you do. These after parties go all night. Stevie then goes on the offensive against Kalon and says "I don't like you dude." Kalon says "I wouldn't like me if I were you either, bro." This'll be fun to watch. I'd talk more about this, but Emily just gave the rose to Jef and my head exploded.
Joe's severely underdressed for his date, but he too thinks Emily is "stunning." Time for our first plane ride! Where are we going you ask? To the White House of West Virginia! Some place called The Grienbrier. It looks like some place you only go if you have about thirty bazillion dollars. Back at the house, Kalon says something about Doug putting "being a dad" on hold to go on TV. Doug, of course, takes offense to this, but then says "I gave up every dream I ever had at twenty years old on hold to become a dad." Am I the only one who thinks that he just reinforced Kalon's statement? He then tries to say that his son, who is probably in fifth grade, told him he needs to get out of the house more and try new things." I think the conversation probably went something like this.
Doug: What would you think if I went on The Bachelorette son?
Doug Jr.: So you'd be on TV? That'd be AWESOME!!!
Doug: Well yeah, bu-
Doug Jr.: My friends would think I was so cool if my dad was on TV....dad you HAVE TO DO THIS!
Doug: Sweet.
Back in West Virginia, Joe is bombing the interview portion of the date. Emily asks where he sees himself in five years. He says "happy." She asks what that means. He says "having no regrets." He then says some mumbo jumbo about going anywhere Emily asks him to go and doing whatever she wants. Emily says "why do you say that? What does that mean to you?" Joe says "umm...err...what does that mean to you?" Classic move by someone who has no conviction in their responses. Emily breaks down and realizes that, while Joe is a cool guy, there's no future here. Joe's kinda blindsided by this and gets up and walks away, but he's super bitter. I gotta say Emily is showing a little bit of maturity here....I like that she sent him home despite the fact that he didn't do anything wrong. She realized it wasn't there, and sent him home. Joe suffers one final insult to his ego as he's sent off in the limo to a fireworks display that ABC probably thought was going to be for a happy couple on a balcony. Strangely, ABC doesn't show us Joe's reaction as he's driving off. My guess is this is because he kinda slammed Emily, and ABC is not about to let the princess they moved their entire operation across the country for get insulted on national television. Hopefully they at least put his departing comments online.
Cocktail time! The guys give the generic "Joe going home raises the stakes....it's REAL now" response, and it's time to go. Arie thinks Emily looks "beautiful." Emily asks him about his home (Scottsdale) and what it's like. She says she's never been there, and Arie seems surprised. Is Scottsdale a popular tourist attraction? Have a majority of people been to Scottsdale? I'll say no. Tony needs his time, and goes to interrupt Ryan's time. Unfortunately, Ryan wrote Emily a novel and Tony is stuck listening to Emily read what Ryan wrote. Just awful timing, but Tony is right - there's no way he could leave. He had to just endure it. Of course then ABC goes to commercial, so we have to wait....
...we come back, and Emily's still reading. Oof. I'm not as big a fan of Ryan anymore, and not just because he delayed Tony's chances of winning. He just looked so proud of his lame note written in third grade handwriting on very unromantic notebook paper. It wasn't his best moment, and Emily acknowledged that by saying that he should've picked a better time (and she's right.) Tony gets to talk about his son, but I'm just not that sure that Emily is that into him yet.
Kalon, being the self absorbed doofus he is, thinks the other guys don't like him because he said Doug put being a dad on hold. I'm pretty sure it was the helicopter and the intense "I quite possibly could be a serial killer" vibe he gives off. Kalon continues his self imposed war with the other dudes by saying "my conversation with Emily could've gone a little better, but it's better than hanging out with these guys, right?" Then again, it worked for Courtney with Ben last season, so maybe he's onto something. Then again, Courtney and Ben didn't even make it to the "After the final rose" ceremony without Ben cheating on her, so who knows. He gets a rose though, so he'll be back to piss dudes off next week.
A bunch of other dudes get roses (including Tony!), but it comes down to DJ Stevie BadHat, Aaron the Jeremy Piven lookalike, and some guy I have no recollection of. DJ Stevie gets the rose, mostly because they need someone to antagonize Kalon for the next few weeks. Kyle (dude I couldn't remember) goes on about how he had a once in a lifetime chance and he didn't even open up, and that he should've taken it more seriously. He then implies that he just had his heart broken. Not sure how that happens if you didn't open up. Whatever.
Tune in next week, when Tony misses his son and apparently takes flack from the other guys for it! Who says there's less drama with dudes?
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