There are many documented stories of Duck fans behaving badly over the years. Like this one. Or this one. Or this genius. However, aside from the occasional college student yelling a homophobic slur at me from time to time, I've found most Duck fans to be rather civilized towards me personally. Maybe this is because of my non-threatening, happy-go-lucky demeanor. I don't look like a threat, therefore the Duck fans largely leave me alone. Except for one particular group of Duck fans: Elementary School Girls.
Yep, they hate me. Perhaps it says something about me that 8 year old females feel that they can harass me without fear of reprisal, but whatever. In 1999, a friend and I made our way down to Autzen for the Civil War. I don't remember much about that particular game, other than we lost, and Joel wore cowboy boots. I also remember a little girl blocking our path on the way out of the stadium and saying "The Beavers Suck!" and then turning to her mom for an approval. Joel, in perhaps the best heat of the moment comeback I've ever witnessed, says to the mom "lady, I don't know what's worse, the manners you've taught your daughter, or the fact you let her cheer for the Ducks." The look of disgust from this lady was priceless. I didn't know it at the time, but now that I have children of my own I can say without a doubt that having your parenting skills criticized is one of the most insulting things in the world. Makes the memory even sweeter as time passes.
Saturday I had the pleasure of witnessing my 13th Civil War in the last 14 years, and the 7th one I've seen at Autzen Stadium. We've only won one of those games, and yesterday was more of the same. As we shuffled out of the stadium, I heard not one word from a Duck fan. It was like we didn't even exist, which may actually be the most damning indication of Duck fans feelings towards us Beavers now that I think about it.
Anyways, we make it back to our tailgate and set up in some camping chairs for some people watching and drinking (Pepsi Max for me, of course.) Again, Duck fans are paying us no attention. Except of course for an 8 year old girl in a Kenjon Barner jersey and some Ugg boots, who was staring straight at us and popping her jersey in our general direction. It took me a few moments to realize what was happening, and I think the confused look on my face emboldened our little antagonist. She ran off joyfully "popping" at anyone wearing orange she saw.
I wish this was the end of the Little Miss Popper story, but sadly, it is not. A few minutes later as we stood around talking about the game and life in general, I see something pass through my field of vision from behind me and land on the ground a few feet away. I wheel around to see where it came from, and all I see are the bottoms of some size 3 Ugg boots and a green #24 jersey running away from the scene, popping her jersey as she disappeared around the side of a motor home a few spots away from us. I look back to see what this little hoodlum threw, and see a few large ice cubes sitting on the ground. What kind of crazy 8 year old throws ice at group of adults? Furthermore, why isn't there an adult around to admonish this pigtailed monster? I wish I'd followed that little girl around until she found her parents so I could tell them what happened, because if my son or daughter ever did something like that you can bet your ass I'd want to know about it so I could make sure it never happened again, but I never seem to think of these things at the time they occur. It's only much later that I seem to realize what the best course of action should have been.
So yeah, 8 year old female Duck fans hate me.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
'Tis (Almost) the season
You know how people lose their minds when the McRib surfaces? Or how nobody passes up a chance to get into the Nike Employee Store? It's because these are things that are rare, that only happen on special occasions. It's the reason Oregonians lose their minds over a half inch of snow while people in Wisconsin just roll their eyes and say "here we go again."
It's like that with Christmas. Devout Christians like to say "Keep Christ in Christmas." (Side Note: I absolutely love that the first wall post on that facebook page is a link to "the world leader in edged weaponry." Nothing says Christmas like a Hapkido Dagger with 2 Hidden Kunai Throwing Knives.) I like to say "Keep Christmas in December....or at least after Thanksgiving." I also found it interesting that a majority of the search results for "Keep Christ in Christmas" were for websites selling merchandise emblazoned with the slogan. Isn't that in direct opposition with the meaning behind your slogan?
Is any holiday more overlooked than Thanksgiving? If Christmas is the Super Bowl, Thanksgiving is Howie, Terry, Jimmy and JB sitting around for three hours prior to kick-off talking about how awesome Christmas is going to be (I think my analogy got confused, but just go with it.) Everyone knows about "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but until I went online today, I had no clue that there was "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" - In fact it wasn't even released until a full 8 years after the other two holiday specials. It's almost as if they said "well I suppose we HAVE to do a Thanksgiving special, right?" I'm assuming I have no recollection of the Thanksgiving special because it was hastily thrown together and probably sucks because nobody cares about Thanksgiving.
I just don't understand why we have to rush Christmas. Over the past week, my facebook news feed has been littered with people posting about listening to Christmas music stations on Pandora or other Internet radio feeds. This is just insane to me. I love Christmas music, but let's be real here...there's only about 20 different Christmas songs - they're just sung 20,000 different ways each. How many different versions of O Holy Night are you prepared to listen to? I'll save you some time....Celine Dion's version is really the only one you need.
Second most common facebook post right now is some version of "OMG! Starbucks red cups are back! Yaaaaaayyyy!" This might be more ridiculous than the McRib Panic......at least you get to eat a McRib. The cup just holds the same coffee you always get, although I like the Seattle PI's take on the whole red cup thing.
ABC Family does their "25 Days of Christmas" programming every year that usually features 8 different movies about some supermodel/actress playing Santa's daughter and having to save Christmas by finding a man. This year, they're doing a "Countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas" in the week leading up to the "25 Days of Christmas." So we're clear here, they're having a countdown to their countdown.
We're going to get burnt out people. Savor the season. I like Christmas because it is so fleeting. I eat a sausage and egg casserole for breakfast on Christmas morning that quite possibly might be my favorite food in the whole world, but I only eat it on December 25th. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SPECIAL, DAMMIT!! All those candies and cookies are sacred! You don't make those in November! November is for pie. The day we cut down a tree is one of my favorite days of the year....but you don't do it before Thanksgiving (or even right after) because your tree will die. Unless of course you have a fake tree. Fake trees are another blog post altogether, but we'll just summarize by saying that unless you live in Texas or Hawaii or some other place where there are no evergreens and it'd cost you a fortune to have a real one, fake trees are unacceptable.
I realize the precariousness of the stance I'm taking here. I'm admonishing over-celebrating Christmas while simultaneously championing the season. I think I'm so adamant on this because it's one of the very few aspects of my life where I am able to exert some measure of self-restraint on myself (my bank account and my waistline are nodding grimly right now.). Being able to wait for Christmas reminds me that I still possess one of the few qualities that separates man from beast. So right now, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and eating some turkey with my family on the 24th. THEN, and only then, will I start thinking about ZooLights and a candy that we like to call "Knock Out Drops" in our family. I'd link to the recipe, but a google search of Knock Out Drops results in links to making homemade date rape drugs....and that is definitely not in the Christmas Spirit.
It's like that with Christmas. Devout Christians like to say "Keep Christ in Christmas." (Side Note: I absolutely love that the first wall post on that facebook page is a link to "the world leader in edged weaponry." Nothing says Christmas like a Hapkido Dagger with 2 Hidden Kunai Throwing Knives.) I like to say "Keep Christmas in December....or at least after Thanksgiving." I also found it interesting that a majority of the search results for "Keep Christ in Christmas" were for websites selling merchandise emblazoned with the slogan. Isn't that in direct opposition with the meaning behind your slogan?
Is any holiday more overlooked than Thanksgiving? If Christmas is the Super Bowl, Thanksgiving is Howie, Terry, Jimmy and JB sitting around for three hours prior to kick-off talking about how awesome Christmas is going to be (I think my analogy got confused, but just go with it.) Everyone knows about "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but until I went online today, I had no clue that there was "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" - In fact it wasn't even released until a full 8 years after the other two holiday specials. It's almost as if they said "well I suppose we HAVE to do a Thanksgiving special, right?" I'm assuming I have no recollection of the Thanksgiving special because it was hastily thrown together and probably sucks because nobody cares about Thanksgiving.
I just don't understand why we have to rush Christmas. Over the past week, my facebook news feed has been littered with people posting about listening to Christmas music stations on Pandora or other Internet radio feeds. This is just insane to me. I love Christmas music, but let's be real here...there's only about 20 different Christmas songs - they're just sung 20,000 different ways each. How many different versions of O Holy Night are you prepared to listen to? I'll save you some time....Celine Dion's version is really the only one you need.
Second most common facebook post right now is some version of "OMG! Starbucks red cups are back! Yaaaaaayyyy!" This might be more ridiculous than the McRib Panic......at least you get to eat a McRib. The cup just holds the same coffee you always get, although I like the Seattle PI's take on the whole red cup thing.
ABC Family does their "25 Days of Christmas" programming every year that usually features 8 different movies about some supermodel/actress playing Santa's daughter and having to save Christmas by finding a man. This year, they're doing a "Countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas" in the week leading up to the "25 Days of Christmas." So we're clear here, they're having a countdown to their countdown.
We're going to get burnt out people. Savor the season. I like Christmas because it is so fleeting. I eat a sausage and egg casserole for breakfast on Christmas morning that quite possibly might be my favorite food in the whole world, but I only eat it on December 25th. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SPECIAL, DAMMIT!! All those candies and cookies are sacred! You don't make those in November! November is for pie. The day we cut down a tree is one of my favorite days of the year....but you don't do it before Thanksgiving (or even right after) because your tree will die. Unless of course you have a fake tree. Fake trees are another blog post altogether, but we'll just summarize by saying that unless you live in Texas or Hawaii or some other place where there are no evergreens and it'd cost you a fortune to have a real one, fake trees are unacceptable.
I realize the precariousness of the stance I'm taking here. I'm admonishing over-celebrating Christmas while simultaneously championing the season. I think I'm so adamant on this because it's one of the very few aspects of my life where I am able to exert some measure of self-restraint on myself (my bank account and my waistline are nodding grimly right now.). Being able to wait for Christmas reminds me that I still possess one of the few qualities that separates man from beast. So right now, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and eating some turkey with my family on the 24th. THEN, and only then, will I start thinking about ZooLights and a candy that we like to call "Knock Out Drops" in our family. I'd link to the recipe, but a google search of Knock Out Drops results in links to making homemade date rape drugs....and that is definitely not in the Christmas Spirit.
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